Fun NBA quotes

"I'm not going to argue with you, Ernie. I'll hit you in the left eye."

— Charles Barkley to Ernie Johnson

"Both teams played hard."

— Rasheed Wallace's answer to every question in a post game interview

"The only thing he used to be able to do when I first got here was the Christmas videos."

— Dwyane Wade about Eric Spoelstra

"He's a very attractive man. He'll be instructing you as to how to look at him, and the different angles of how good he looks, on a daily basis."

— Scot Pollard about Peja Stojakovic

"A LeBron James team is never desperate."

— LeBron James

"I don’t like Chinese food."

— Bobby Simmons, explaining why he did not want to play a preseason game in Japan

"Mandarin is gonna be the language in 15 to 20 years."

— Stephon Marbury

"They better not put me in the All-Star Game. I won't shoot, but I'll dominate that easy game. I'll be playing hard defense. I'll be foulin'. I'll be flagrant fouling."

— Ron Artest

"I love Pluto. Everybody loves Pluto. There's a dog named Pluto in the cartoons. I don't know how we got on that subject. We've got to see if we can get Pluto back."

— Ron Artest

"I'm always powder-fresh during the games. I'm sure my opponents love that."

— DeAndre Jordan

"I'm still looking pretty handsome, as you can see."

— Jae Crowder, after being elbowed

"Unstoppable, baby!"

— Marc Jackson after hitting a lay-up during a 29-point loss

"He couldn't hit a curveball with an ironing board."

— Hall of Fame pitcher Bob Feller on Michael Jordan

"It will make me look sexier at the beach."

— Julius Hodge on gaining 15lbs of muscle

"I can’t believe they let him bump us. I’ve been in the league six years. He’s been in one year. I voted for him, but he won’t be re-elected now."

— Charles Barkley after being turfed out of his hotel room by Secret Service for President Bush

"I wear women's leggings under my clothes, but no lingerie."

— Dennis Rodman

Reporter: "Did you earn your degree at Clemson?" Elden Campbell: "No, but they gave me one anyway."

— Elden Campbell

"I got to the rim and ran out of talent."

— Corey Brewer after missing a layup

"If you're being drafted, people are saying "we want you around for four years", and I can't imagine anybody wants Enes Kanter or Royce White around them for even four minutes."

— Robin Lopez

"We just do what we do. Same boring thing for 20 years."

— Gregg Popovich

"You’re going to have big problems now. All the other guys are going to want me to represent them now."

— Danny Ainge after serving as his own agent

"I spent money, I slept with women around the league, but I always kept my mind on the game."

— Dennis Rodman

"If [J.J. Barea's] head was normal sized, I think he'd only be 5'4. But it's so large it makes him 5'9."

— Dirk Nowitzki

"My hair is a representation of the struggle we've had."

— DeAndre Jordan

"The only thing Christian Laettner has in common with Larry Bird is they both pee standing up."

— Charles Barkley

"His initials are PG, but I want him to be rated R."

— Damon Stoudamire about Pau Gasol

"I'm scared. I think I'm the best player here."

— Scott Hastings on the Heat expansion team

"Patrick Ewing used to be much better in every aspect of the game."

— Bill Walton

"We're the two best white shooters in the NBA."

— Gilbert Arenas about J.J. Redick and himself

"When I'm not playing, I like to work on my game and look fly for the honeys."

— Julius Hodge

"I haven't seen a big man pass like him [Darko Milicic]. He really does pass like Vlade."

— David Kahn

"‘Thriller’ was the No. 1 album for 37 weeks."

— Ron Artest on why he changed his number to #37

"People think this is tough. I ain't gonna tell 'em any different."

— Doug Moe

"Ralph elbowed me in the face. I'm not here for that, contrary to popular belief."

— Bill Wennington after a fight with Ralph Sampson

"Hey kids. Do drugs."

— Scot Pollard

"It ends just like any other bullfight. The matador sticks it in you, and then the donkeys come out and drag you away"

— Abe Lemons about playing John Wooden’s UCLA teams

"I wanted it to be all about me."

— LeBron James talking about "The Decision"

"A man has to know his limitations and I don't have any."

— Former NBA player Edgar Jones

"You outrebounded a dead man by one."

— Abe Lemons to an underperforming player

"Son, you’ve been spending too much time on one subject."

— Texas A&M coach Shelby Metcalf after one of his players reported getting four F’s and a D

"E.T.."

— Rondae Hollis-Jefferson, asked about his favorite Star Wars character

"Got my first ever technical last night and lost $2000 … makes me angry when i realize thats 2000 mcchickens or 4000 jack in the box tacos."

— Jeremy Lin

"Star Spangled Banner, I listen to it 82 times every year."

— Yao Ming, when asked about his favourite American song

"Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win."

— Doug Collins

"I make love to pressure."

— Stephen Jackson

"Here was a physically mature man-child with the feet, touch and timing of a young Hakeem Olajuwon. All [DeSagana] Diop needs is time."

— Skip Bayless in 2001

"This is an unbelievable venture for myself. This is great, also for the kids."

— LeBron James after donating to a Boys And Girls club

"I'm watching the History channel in the club and I'm wondering how do these people kno what's goin on on the sun..ain't nobody ever been"

— Kevin Durant

"I got my family to feed."

— Latrell Sprewell turning down $21 million

"He's the best Valentine I've ever had."

— Chandler Parsons about Jeremy Lin

"I've had to overcome a lot of diversity."

— Drew Gooden

"I'm trying Jennifer"

— C.J. McCollum

"We got Zaza Pachulia being their leading scorer. You know what I'm saying? We'll take that."

— Kenyon Martin about his team's defensive performance

"Eddie Griffin has put up the two worst shots in the history of the Rockets franchise here tonight."

— Bill Walton

"Karl Malone has spent more time in a gym, than Corey Maggette has been alive."

— Bill Walton

"He hits like my grandma."

— Eduardo Najera about Kevin Garnett

"Kobe just started making shots. He just made some tough shots. I hate him. If I don't ever see him again, it will be too soon."

— Sam Mitchell

"That's not up to me. I'm not an analysis."

— Michael Beasley

"I used to have at least a five-inch vertical, but over the years, it's dropped. It's now down to two or three inches."

— Mark Pope

"Where would the Clippers be without Sean Rooks?"

— Bill Walton

"I didn't hear him. I wasn't going to listen to him anyways."

— Steve Nash after taking a quick shot Mike D'Antoni didn't want

"I'm one of those players who likes to take the last shot. Let's be honest, I like to take all the shots"

— Dan Issel

"I look at the NBA, which I've watched for four decades, and I say this now with Ben Simmons, 'Hey LeBron, we are good, bro. You can go."

— Colin Cowherd

"I don't know what life is like, I don't know how regular people live. I just can never understand it. My first job was the NBA."

— Tracy McGrady

"I got to be honest with you, when he stepped onto the court, this dude is huge. I just realized that I’ve got to go home and eat like five chickens and put a lot of weight on. It’s going to take a couple months, but seriously."

— Marcin Gortat about Shaquille O'Neal

"You don’t coach seniors. You just tolerate them."

— Abe Lemons

"The AI offense...get the ball to AI and clear out."

— Kevin Ollie, on the offense they ran when he was playing in Philly

"Controversial is the word I often hear associated with me and quite frankly it offends me."

— Charles Barkley

"If they want to turn me into the Jordan crying face, it's fine."

— C.J. McCollum

"I make teams win."

— Scot Pollard

"When I think about playoffs, my nipples get hard."

— Enes Kanter

"VIKING LOVE!!!"

— Steve Nash shouting nonsense in a pre-game huddle

"Everyone they draft either breaks his leg, forgets how to shoot or would rather hold his breath until he turns blue than play for them."

— Tony Kornheiser on the Clippers

"This will be in the past, like a ponytail."

— Klay Thompson

"I have been very intentional in distancing myself from anything that would jeopardize my personal and professional relationships."

— Zach Randolph

"They should have focused more on me."

— Sebastian Telfair's opinion of a documentary about Sebastian Telfair

"You miss 100% of the shots you take."

— Mike James, managing to make a bad quote worse

"I'll be honest as hell with you. I did write out a will before taking this trip."

— Lamar Odom about the 2004 Olympics

"I’m not a bad shooter when I’m shooting good."

— Charles Oakley

"Early in the game we were careless with the ball, but towards the end of the game we started......ummmm.....being........well, not careless, I guess."

— Julius Hodge

"Nothing wrong with wanting to go home."

— Stephon Marbury

"I made the mistake of going out and drinking Budweiser with Larry Bird one night. I had to get carried back to the hotel."

— Charles Barkley

"I've been traveling the world picking up new moves, kind of like David Carradine walking the earth in 'Kung Fu' though I hope things turn out a little better for me than they did for him."

— Robin Lopez

"Rook, I am the best shooter in the league. In the league, understand? And you're up here trying to tell me something?"

— Larry Bird to Reggie Miller, as Reggie tried to distract Bird between free throws

"You have to be able to weather the storm. We weathered it, but then it started raining again. Then it started snowing. Then it started hailing."

— Marcus Banks after a loss

"It took them 15 years after the game was invented to cut a hole in the peach basket so they didn’t need a ladder anymore. They haven’t got a hell of a lot smarter since then."

— Abe Lemons

"I like to watch other people work. Every day, I hop in my car and drive around, pull alongside some guys who are working construction and say, ‘Sorry, boys, but I’ve got nothing to do today.’"

— Cedric Maxwell on what he does during the offseason

"This is my first summer [with] no trouble. I ain't go to jail for speeding. Didn't go to jail for DUI. I didn't break my foot. I didn't break my other foot. I'm one step ahead of the game already."

— Kwame Brown

"The thing we're going to miss most about Dwight is his farting ability. A great farter. He can fart."

— Glen Davis

"I'm telling you, Darko [Milicic] is a Serbian gangster. Darko's got some bodies back there. He can go psycho on guys."

— Rasheed Wallace

"I've won Player of the Month before. They don't ever give me anything for it. A new car, something, a plaque"

— Paul Pierce

"My wife’s name is Renee, not Lois, and I’m not going to come out of some phone booth with a red cape."

— Cedric Maxwell on whether he could get the Clippers to the playoffs

"Unless Dallas is trying to score more points. I don’t know. Wow. That’s incredibly weird."

— Tim Duncan after the Mavericks traded Raef LaFrentz for Antoine Walker

"We're going to be in bed with each other. It's like a marriage."

— Stephon Marbury about himself and Jamal Crawford

"He took this matchup with Korver pretty seriously. White America!"

— Joakim Noah about Mike Dunleavy Jr

"That was my responsibility. 'I haven't read the book."

— Charles Barkley on being misquoted in his autobiography

"Greg Ostertag is one of the top centres on this planet."

— Bill Walton

Reporter: "What could Eddy Curry do to become a better rebounder?" Scott Skiles: "Jump."

— Scott Skiles

"I had to smell his breath for alcohol. I checked his office for drugs. I said, ‘You’ve gotta be high.’ You know what I’m saying?"

— Evan Turner after Brad Stevens benched him

"If you meet the Buddha in the lane, feed him the ball."

— Phil Jackson

"We talked a lot about his diet. He said he likes salads. His idea of a salad is putting a piece of lettuce on a pizza."

— Magic President Pat Williams about Stanley Roberts

"How the hell can I make my teammates better by practicing?"

— Allen Iverson

"Incompetence should not be confined to one sex."

— Bill Russell when asked about the prospect of female referees.

"Scarlett johanneson, I will drink ur bath water"

— Kevin Durant on Twitter

"It's good to cry. Never keep it bottled up. Then it either explodes like soda or comes out in the form of gas. You want tears or a fart?"

— Ron Artest

"I think Sammy enjoys his summers."

— Andre Iguodala when asked if Samuel Dalembert is dedicated to basketball

"The best [LeBron] James can ever be is an average NBA player."

— Charley Rosen

"Anytime you bring Michael Olowokandi on to your team, disaster is soon to follow."

— Bill Walton

"It's like hopping out of the shower without a towel, running into a meat freezer and staying there for about 10-15 minutes, and running back out."

— Kevin Garnett on what it's like to be an All-Star

"I don't know what's wrong with that girl."

— Reggie Evans about Pau Gasol

"I won't call myself a soft teddy bear because it might mess up my image, but I am a great guy."

— Kendrick Perkins

"U bum @StephenCurry30 already said he ain't going! So therefore ain't no invite. Going to White House was a great honor until you showed up!"

— LeBron James to Donald Trump

"When I started, I thought I was going to be with one team."

— Jim Jackson after tying the NBA's record for most teams

"If I make a set of rules, then a guy goes out and steals an airplane. He comes back and says, ‘It wasn’t on the list of rules.’"

— Abe Lemons

"I see you in the club."

— Yao Ming to Ron Artest at a press conference

"He’s like an old car. He can go 1,000 miles or 80 games, whichever comes first. I figure he’s got about 10 minutes left in him.”"

— Kevin McHale on Bill Walton

"I’ve insulted whites, blacks and women’s groups. In fact if there’s someone out there I haven’t offended at one time or another, please raise your hand."

— Charles Barkley

"Just another day in the life of the Red Mamba."

— Matt Bonner after blocking four shots in a game

"Name twelve players better than me."

— Jalen Rose, about if he should make the 2002 All Star team

"I’m just happy Philadelphia didn’t get accustomed to being in first place. Now they’re back where they belong."

— Cedric Maxwell after his Celtics beat the 76ers

"He can't get depressed, he plays for the Knicks."

— Charles Barkley on Nate Robinson's dunk contest misses

"I actually like it more now because the lines aren't as long."

— John Henson after news of an E. coli outbreak at Chipotle

"All series long we’ve been able to penetrate their bigs, get deep, suck the D in."

— Jason Terry

"It's the kind of game that makes you go home and beat your wife."

— Charles Barkley

"I know I can score 20 or 30 points anytime I want."

— Sasha Vujacic

"When all is said and done, there’s nothing left to say or do."

— Darryl Dawkins

"The only difference between a good shot and a bad shot is if it goes in or not."

— Charles Barkley

"How hard is it to coach track and field? You just tell ‘em to stay left and get back as quick as you can."

— Abe Lemons

"I liken Shaq to a giant and everyone else is an ant. You can put a bigger ant or a smaller ant on him, and it won’t really matter."

— Doc Rivers

"Luckily for me, I’ve ignored some of his lessons. Otherwise my liver would be the size of two footballs."

— Jayson Williams on Charles Barkley

"To be honest, I would put myself in the same category as D-Wade. At the end of the day, the only thing he have that I don’t have is, you know, more wins and two championships."

— Monta Ellis

"I feel like Bill Walton - old and sh***y."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious."

— Charles Shackleford

"This is my two seconds. I must enjoy."

— Boban Marjanovic after receiving a taunting technical after a dunk

"I'm going to kill Bart Simpson."

— Robin Lopez

"We play basket-ball, not rebound-ball."

— Andrea Bargnani

"Except for the offense, defense, rebounding and the turnovers, we had a good game."

— Bob Weiss

"Punjabi! As Peja drills it!"

— Matt Devlin slightly misfiring on Mr Stojakovic's name. (Note: awkward silences left out for space reasons.)

"Back in France, I was super athletic, and now I'm just a regular dude."

— Zaccharie Risacher

"Finally, a chance to recreate the last few seasons of my career: sitting down."

— Blake Griffin, launching his podcast

"He's white, so probably, yes."

— Metta World Peace, asked if Steve Nash is the smartest Laker

"If I was a Caesar salad, the croutons would be my friends, the lettuce would be my family and the dressing would be my mom."

— Kevin Garnett

"It was a different sexual situation going on in the '80s and '90s, and I did a very poor job of describing that."

— Wilt Chamberlain

"I’m embarrassed when people say good things about me. I like it when I get abuse from people because that’s the way I treat them."

— Doug Moe

"We're going to start asking people to go to bars and do some stuff. A little street cred would help us."

— Gregg Popovich

"This is just like that time in Muppets Take Manhattan when the Muppets, after unsuccessfully attempting to take Manhattan, split up and leave Manhattan."

— Robin Lopez after the Nets traded away Kevin Durant and Kyrie Irving

"All the guys in the locker room will give me a hard time and call me Robin Thicke or call me Justin Bieber. I take it as a compliment."

— Chandler Parsons

"Tracy McGrady is doing things we've never seen from anybody - from any planet."

— Bill Walton

"It helps that he's single with no kids. He just packs up his one bag, his Segway, and goes to the next city."

— Nazr Mohammed explaining how Boris Diaw deals with being traded

"I want him to be able to walk on water and not scare the fish."

— Bill Byrne, Oregon athletic director, on what qualities he was looking for in Oregon's new basketball coach.

"I was really pushing for something interesting, like chronic dandruff."

— Mark Pope, on being placed on Denver's injured list with tendonitis

"Mainly because I’ve got a pension coming."

— Bill Russell on why he worried about the future of the NBA

"I will miss him a lot. He was a good friend. And he owes me $80."

— Yao Ming after Bostjan Nachbar was traded

"I definitely want to thank my doctor, my psychiatrist, she really helped me relax a lot."

— Ron Artest in the seconds immediately following his first championship win.

"We’re both good-looking and we’re both Irish. The only difference I can see is that he buys his clothes and I find mine."

— Frank Layden on the difference between him and Pat Riley

"He's not nice. I talk a lot of trash out there, but c'mon, be a little sensitive. Be sweet."

— Joakim Noah about Kevin Garnett

"Pardon me. I just got finished putting this penguin in a head lock. He kept making weird duck sounding noises."

— Ron Artest

"You know I had to do it one time lol. #Holocaust"

— Danny Green

"I keep asking to be invited to the dance tryouts but no one ever allows me there. I'll just say this: My general philosophy is that you can teach them to dance."

— Daryl Morey

"That's a trick question. The U.S. does not have a capital."

— Elton Brand after being asked the capital of the USA

"They call me ‘Danielle.’ That’s OK. I’ll just keep kickin’ butt.”

— Danny Fortson during the stretch where he wore pigtails

"We sent him a questionnaire and he never returned it. So I don’t think we were ever in there very strong."

— Bill Self on trying to recruit Kevin Durant

"at Bev trick y’all, man, like he playing defense. He don’t guard nobody, man. It's just running around, doing nothing."

— Russell Westbrook about Patrick Beverley

"I hope they don’t let Charles Barkley get a taste of our German beer. If he gets into that, we could have a problem."

— Detlef Schrempf

"Looking back, there may have been a few things I would have done differently."

— Rob Babcock reflecting on his Raptors days.

"I’m just above a moron."

— Doug Moe asked about his role as Nuggets coach

"In the top story of the day, I've been traded to Portland."

— Kiki Vanderweghe, who worked an offseason job as a local news reporter

"I never got a California driver's license. If I ever got stopped, I was going to tell the cop, 'I'm the Clippers coach. I'm not going to be here that long."

— Bob Weiss

"I'm a huge cribbage and corduroy enthusiast."

— Matt Bonner

"Last night I was so devastated I couldn't even tweet."

— Magic Johnson after a Lakers playoff loss

"Yell at him daily."

— Tom Thibodeau, when asked how he ensures an injured Zach LaVine still feels like a part of the team

"Guys like him only come around once every ten years."

— Shaquille O'Neal about Kevin Love

"I want to say this about the Dallas organization. They’re first class. They had imported beer in our locker room."

— Frank Layden after losing to them

"I'm hunting for little Mexican girls."

— Karl Malone to Vanessa Bryant

"It's not that bad here."

— Joe Johnson, while with the Nets

"People coming up to me asking me if I'm Hasheem Thabeet. That's probably the worst thing."

— Roy Hibbert

"If Eric Piatkowski continues playing at this level, he's going to replace Jerry West on the NBA logo."

— Bill Walton

"If all I'm remembered for is being a good basketball player, then I've done a bad job with the rest of my life."

— Isiah Thomas

"Every short, fat guy who plays, they’ll say is like Barkley. That’s not a bad legacy. There’s always going to be short, fat guys."

— Charles Barkley

"He’s like Michael Jordan’s Mini-Me.”

— Malik Rose about Tony Parker's popularity in France

"They've been my life."

— Bill Walton about the Grateful Dead

"I just hate that I still get pimples."

— Anderson Varejao

"That way you can lose only 11 games a season. I lost 11 games in December alone."

— Abe Lemons on why he should have coached football

"I’ll always remember this as the night that Michael Jordan and I combined to score 70 points."

— Stacey King after Jordan scored 69

"Who the hell want me?"

— Markieff Morrris after finding out he was traded

"Dan is the countryest guy in L.A. We all make fun of him. Sometimes he doesn't even know what he's talking about; he's just talking."

— Chris Duhon about Dan D'Antoni

"I saw what the governor makes. That's like four hands of blackjack."

— Charles Barkley on why he did not seriously consider becoming the governor of Alabama

"If I moonwalk after I get a rebound, that's exciting. If [Andrew Bynum] does, like, a cartwheel, take his shirt off, and [puts] electrical shocks on his nipples and starts doing the Electric Slide, that's exciting."

— Ron Artest

"I really like Rafer Alston. We get along great. We have a lot of fun times together that I can't share with you guys."

— Jalen Rose

"I thought LeBron James was just going to be another addition to help me score."

— Ricky Davis

"You know you haven't been home a lot when your dog barks at you."

— Zydrunas Ilgauskas

"The Goonies are a close knit group. They believe in themselves, even though there are doubters throwing darts at them outside...'Goonies never say die.' That's pretty in line with the mentality of our team."

— Robin Lopez

"Turkey is a great city."

— Rudy Gay, twice

"If I was a Cobb salad, my wife is the lettuce…no, sorry, my daughter is the lettuce. My wife is the bacon strips. My friend Steve is the avocado. Cassell and Ty Lue are each a grape tomato. Tom Gugliotta is the chives and also the hardboiled egg."

— Kevin Garnett

"If you make every game a life and death proposition, you're going to have problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot."

— Dean Smith

"I don't have to shoot from more than two feet. I'm top 50. I've got 23,000 from where I shoot."

— Shaquille O'Neal after Danny Fortson challenged him to take more jumpshots.

"Play some Picasso."

— Former Net Chris Morris to a restaurant piano player, trying to impress a date

"No autopsy, no foul."

— Stewart Granger, former Villanova and Cavaliers guard

"I made it in my head a long time ago."

— Chris Bosh when asked about his chances of making the All-Star team

"We told Stanley Roberts to go on a water diet, and Lake Superior disappeared."

— Pat Williams

"There’s a lot of women here. I’m going to try to throw that fishing pole out there and see what I can get."

— Gilbert Arenas on his NBA.com blog

"It was 201 years ago today, Beethoven's Symphony No. 3 in E-flat, which escorted in the age of Romanticism in music. And when I think of Boris Diaw, I think of Beethoven and the age of the Romantics."

— Bill Walton

"He just stands there, but it's effective."

— Ray Allen on Shawn Bradley's defense

"I'd like to be a candidate to date Cindy Crawford. Do you see that woman right there? She and I are candidates to be married."

— Rick Majerus

"I been on the toilet all night, my butt crack feels like it has sun burn."

— Evan Turner

"I'm just what America needs - another unemployed black man."

— Charles Barkley after retiring

"Utah is largely Republican, but I’m not a member of any organized political party. I’m a Democrat."

— Frank Layden

"We're both assholes."

— Rajon Rondo on why he gets along with DeMarcus Cousins

"Why would he go and try that after all these years?"

— Bob Ford, Philadelphia Inquirer writer, after the 7'5 Mark Eaton got hurt jumping

"You like it? You think Cleveland's cool? I never heard anybody say I'm going to Cleveland on vacation. What's so good about Cleveland?"

— Joakim Noah

"I don't know anything about Angola, but I know they're in trouble."

— Charles Barkley before playing them

"When people look at me, they really don’t understand where the hops are coming from."

— Nate Robinson

"I'm too white trash for the Lakers."

— Paul Shirley

"Outside of LeBron James and Dwyane Wade, we're more talented than them."

— Joe Johnson

"What a pathetic play from a pathetic human being."

— Bill Walton about Larry Johnson

"All I wanted to do was not get dunked on. Well, that lasted about three seconds."

— Nate Huffman on facing Shaquille O'Neal for the first time

"There ain't but one person that can be talking (trash) to me, and that's my mother and father."

— Jayson Williams

"It could have been worse. He could have shot somebody."

— Felton Spencer after coach Bill Musselman threw some soap in anger

"I will shoot all you Asian ******s. Do you remember the Vietnam War? I'll kill y'all just like that."

— Jason Williams to an Asian fan

"The groupie level is always there."

— Lamar Odom

"I really sat down and envisioned life after basketball. I really saw myself not playing."

— Mo Williams after LeBron James left Cleveland

"I’m kind of sad he won’t pay up. I’m taking him to People’s Court."

— Gilbert Arenas about some prop bet money Shaq owed him

"A forward got suspended and it wasn’t even me."

— Dennis Rodman about Roy Tarpley

"There are two ways to argue with a woman, and neither of them work."

— Carlos Boozer's reasoning for cancelling an interview because his wife wanted him to go home

"I may not be a class act, but I'm an American."

— Ron Artest, campaigning for a spot on the Olympic team

"I think I need botox on just one of my cheek bones. The other one, I want it to hang low."

— Ron Artest

"I want to put points on your face."

— Rudy Fernandez to Pau Gasol

"[Eric Spoelstra] knows he has to meet us halfway. He wants to work, we wanna chill."

— Chris Bosh

"Maybe I'll buy a chocolate factory."

— Andrei Kirilenko

"Twenty years from now, you're gonna see me, right, in a drop top Hummer. Butt naked, with some ankle socks on. And a headband. And some Chuck Taylor's. Butt naked."

— Delonte West

"The gift of butt was a beautiful thing."

— Darryl Dawkins, referring to undersized centers

"Raef Lafrentz and Shawn Bradley should start considering new careers."

— Bill Walton

"I earn my money. Why don't you try it?"

— Gary Neal to Larry Sanders

"Not enough brain cells for that one, brother. I just stand there."

— Steven Adams, asked about his rebounding technique

"This man wore a leather hat to Vegas. You don’t wear leather bucket hats in Vegas."

— Gilbert Arenas about his dad

"I love In-N-Out. It's addicting. It's the only reason I'm here in L.A. If it wasn't for In-N-Out Burger, I probably would've gone to Memphis or something."

— Ron Artest

"He would drive people insane and then just walk away. He was like

— Chuck Daly on Bill Laimbeer

"I didn't go to college. I don't know how to read."

— Kobe Bryant

"Have you ever seen Gollum, John Clayton and Sam Cassell in the same place before?"

— Charles Barkley on the 2005 Clippers

"Like Hamlet. It was a suspense thriller, and I killed them at the end.”

— Quentin Richardson after a game winner

"I've been congratulated so many times on winning a championship this summer. I don't want to hurt anybodys feelings, so I've just been saying thanks."

— Robin Lopez after his twin brother Brook Lopez won one

"He's fat, lazy and selfish, but other than that, he's perfect."

— Unnamed Eastern Conference scout on Eddy Curry

"Last season, we thought we could beat you. This season, we're going to strap it on."

— Stan Kroenke

"Any other incisive, deep questions that make my mind go vertiginous? None of you even know what that means."

— Gregg Popovich

"I don't even understand the word happy. Happy is a stupid word. It really is. It makes no sense."

— Gregg Popovich

"You suck."

— Raja Bell to Sasha Vujacic

"I kinda knew Cleveland was going to get the #1 pick. I think they rigged it. Don't quote me on that, though."

— Carmelo Anthony

"Two or three years from now you'll look back and think: How could Jordan have not taken [DeSagana] Diop #1?"

— Skip Bayless in 2001

"We padded that. We actually had about 60 people there."

— Dick Motta after a Chicago game had an announced attendance of 891

"[Battier is] as smart as hell. He understands how to play the game. He plays it at 100% ferocity all the time, a ferocity with sense. And on top of that, he's a character guy, he's a leader, he's a consummate pro. I hate him."

— Gregg Popovich

"Everything Dennis Rodman does is either planned or unplanned."

— Dennis Rodman

"I just didn't see how me practicing hard was going to take my talent to another level."

— Tracy McGrady

"I ain't no GM. Ask Kobe. He's the GM. It's his team. Go ask him."

— Chucky Atkins

"I don’t have Parkinson’s. All I have is rhythm."

— Abe Lemons, who had Parkinson's

"You know, one day when little Nathan grows up, I hope that his dreams come true and he can be just like me."

— Steve Novak about Nate Robinson

"The Washington Wizards are trying to make the playoffs. It's pretty much the same thing."

— Tyronn Lue on the war in Iraq

"Oh, no! I’m not going to Phoenix!"

— Jayson Williams upon being drafted in 1990 - by Phoenix

"Eddie House's kid is funny as hell."

— Stephon Marbury

"He's going to own the game. Own the game. We're going to have to build a new arena."

— Pistons scout Will Robinson about Darko Milicic, before he was drafted

"They have electric chairs and that hasn’t stopped people from killing each other."

— Abe Lemons, when asked if the NCAA’s “death penalty" sanctions on SMU would clean up college athletics

"It's nice just to play against [Michael Jordan]. Sometimes you get your picture in the paper."

— Eddie Johnson

Reporter: "How are Kwame's hands this season, are they improving?" Phil Jackson - "Let's just say I wouldn't let him hold a baby."

— Phil Jackson

"When in doubt, shoot. That's how I look at it."

— Stephon Marbury

"When [Jalen Rose] comes over here, I'm going to give him a kiss. Not on his lips, though."

— Rafer Alston

"I never knew that I could have a redneck as a best friend."

— Joakim Noah about Brad Miller

"When I hit that fan, I definitely enjoyed it."

— Stephen Jackson

"It will all be Boooooooooooz to me."

— Carlos Boozer about being booed

"It’s not like I’m quitting on top. I’ve never been on top."

— Rich Kelley upon retiring

"I thank my teammates for letting their men blow by them."

— Alonzo Mourning after winning the DPOY award

"I understand Doug gave his wife a water bed. She called it the Dead Sea."

— Frank Layden about Doug Moe

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"

— Leon Wood to Steve Albert

"How many people can say that they've punched a fan?"

— Stephen Jackson

"I feel good to be back to my non-athletic self."

— Shane Battier

"Come on now, where? Where? [Y'all are] d–k-riding bro. I get it."

— Bol Bol, after being called for a foul on Victor Wembanyama

"Every day is a day closer to our guys being legal."

— Earl Watson on coaching a young team

"Can you openly admit that you know the Earth is constitutionally round? Like, you know that for sure? Like, I don't know."

— Kyrie Irving

"My son has higher expectations for me."

— Andre Iguodala on how has changed after winning NBA Finals MVP

"You can't have everything."

— J.R. Smith, commenting on LeBron's receding hairline

"Colonel Sanders is the greatest white man that ever lived."

— Charles Barkley

"To hang out in a gay bar or put on a sequined halter top makes me feel like a total person."

— Dennis Rodman

"That’s the good thing about Lithuania. I had no idea either."

— Linas Kleiza after a report from his home country stated he would need knee surgery

"Damn Shaq, you make me sound like Sydney Poitier"

— Charles Barkley

"I take my hat off to myself for dealing with all this stuff."

— Carmelo Anthony during trade rumours

"In season, he's Doc, but during the off-season my name for him is The D-O-C."

— Kendrick Perkins about Doc Rivers

"Charles [Barkley] and I have no-trade clauses. His is written in. Mine....well, nobody wants to trade for me."

— Joe Kleine

"I think I’m like the Ross Perot of the NBA. I’m going to get a lot of votes, but I’m not going to win."

— Shaquille O'Neal on the 1994 MVP award

"He's one of the best power forwards of all-time. I take my hands off to him."

— Scottie Pippen about Tim Duncan

"One thing Manute Bol is going to do is make Kevin Willis a better passer."

— Bill Russell after Bol blocked Willis six times

"To finally get to experience the second round, it feels great."

— Tracy McGrady as his Magic team went 3-1 up in the first round; they lost 4-3

"When Primoz [Brezec] first came to the US, he learned his English. I don't know the words, but let's just say everything starts with gangster and ends with pimp."

— Sam Mitchell

"Danny Ferry is just a tremendous player."

— Bill Walton

"Who cares about Thanksgiving, as long as you've got Julia Stiles."

— Steve Martin, Bobcats play-by-play announcer

"It's always frustrating when you get down 40 points."

— Nazr Mohammed

"Kawhi is everything Jon Snow was supposed to be."

— Spencer Dinwiddie

"It's just the same as school, just without all the adult supervision and everyone needing to know where I'm going every five minutes."

— Dorell Wright about the NBA

"It would be almost physically impossible for it to go up."

— Stan Van Gundy when asked about his trying to lose weight

"If you can go to war at 18, you can play pro basketball at 18."

— Jermaine O'Neal

"I know why girls go and have their nails done so often and have spa days. It feels awesome."

— DeAndre Jordan

"It's a role for a good guy. You're not going to show up late for the bus or you're not going to beat up any children or anything."

— Paul Shirley on being out of the rotation

"So, which one of you guys is going to come in second?"

— Larry Bird before the Three-Point Contest; he won

"I’ve got to stop this. My entourages are getting entourages."

— Jalen Rose

"I needed a rest anyway."

— Andrew Bogut after getting ejected from a summer league game

"You can't kill a G. Bugs Bunny is a G."

— Delonte West

"That's like clubbing baby seals."

— Clyde Drexler describing Andres Nocioni's futile attempts to defend Yao Ming

"The NBA playoffs go on and on. It’s like a guy telling a bad joke for 15 minutes."

— Tommy Heinsohn

"With me and Z [Ilgauskas], we're the best center ever created. Better than Bill Walton. Not better than Mr. Russell, but he's different. But better than anybody."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"Every night, when you lay your head on your pillow, you say, 'Wow, I'm one of 300.' Of course, 50 of us are real bad."

— Scott Hastings

"Big boys don't cry. But, if you're going to do it, do it in the toilet where no one can see."

— Phil Jackson

" In the world, the NBA and the Denver Nuggets mean nothing. They don’t care in Libya. I mean, let’s get serious."

— Doug Moe

"Hermaphrodites are people with male and female gena- um, genitalia."

— Emeka Okafor on a training camp documentary

"There are things you can't get in Vancouver, like Cap'n Crunch."

— Tony Massenburg on why he didn't like Vancouver

"I think a lot of people are being politically correct. He’s like Halloween every day, just full of surprises.2

— Anthony Johnson about Ron Artest

"Sigmund Freud would jump out of the grave to examine Charles Barkley."

— Frank Layden

"Americans ... we have sort of an arrogance about us. Like we're the cultured ones? Are you serious? Have you watched TV lately?"

— Gregg Popovich

"Every player in our league is underpaid. When Kevin Garnett was making $28 million, he was underpaid."

— Sam Cassell

"I enjoyed the Luge."

— Michael Jordan, after visiting the Louvre

"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

— Pat Williams

"Would not want to be a T-Rex with the short arms. I have some visible gifts."

— Robin Lopez

"We're just playing basketball. It's not like we're going out to have unprotected sex with Magic."

— Charles Barkley

"And [Reggie] Evans, you talk about Vlade being a flopper? This guy is taking it to a whole new level. He goes down when the air conditioning comes on."

— Rick Adelman

"The first thing I’m going to do is get rid of all those green tennis shoes. I don’t want to see anything green that isn’t money."

— Cedric Maxwell on being traded by the Celtics

"Even my family gets spoiled at times watching me doing things that I do, on and off the court."

— LeBron James

"I didn't even know Elvis was from Memphis. I thought he was from Tennessee."

— Drew Gooden

"Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor."

— Abe Lemons

"That's almost like communism. That's like Castro."

— Kevin Garnett after the 2006 tightening of the technical foul rules

"It's not going to be peaches and gravy all the time."

— Brad Miller trying to explain away inconsistency

"You know, they want me to get traded now because things are getting good. Same things that happened at every other team I was on."

— Stephon Marbury

"We were so bad that one night someone broke into our box office and returned four season tickets."

— Johnny Red Kerr

"You can't even jump high enough to touch the rim, unless they put a Big Mac on it."

— Charles Barkley to Oliver Miller

"I heard Tonya Harding is calling herself the Charles Barkley of figure skating. I was going to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character."

— Charles Barkley

"I'm one of the best shooters in the league and I know that for a fact."

— Marcus Morris

"We wish he were seven feet, but he's not. There just wasn't a center available. What can you do?"

— Rod Thorn after selecting Michael Jordan in the 1984 NBA Draft

"One, two, three - Cancun!"

— Nick van Exel in the huddle as his 1998 Lakers team began Game Four of the Western Conference Finals, 3-0 down

"The guy’s a partier, he cheats, and he doesn’t run any practices. And I imagine if we looked deep enough, we would find he’s on someone’s 10 most-wanted list."

— Bill Fitch about Doug Moe

"Lucky shot, that's all. You don't need to have skills."

— Vlade Divac about Robert Horry's shot in Game 4 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals

"I remember draft night, I shook David Stern's hand while rocking a red suit with white pinstripes and red gators. I've always been a trendsetter."

— Jalen Rose

"He’s 7'2 and 300 pounds and he gets only 10 rebounds? If I were as big as him, I’d average 12, 13 rebounds just by breathing."

— Dennis Rodman about Shaquille O'Neal

"I didn't play a single minute in the whole joint. So I'm not in any rush to get that ring."

— Eddy Curry about his championship ring

"In retrospect, it's OK today. Every now and then you've got to eat a turd sandwich."

— Shane Battier on being benched

"That was just something I made up."

— Vernon Maxwell after taking two weeks off mid-season citing personal problems

"Every year I get more and more terrified the NBA, hoping to be rid of me, will start the season and not tell me and I'll find out at home, on the couch, surfing Twitter while binging Bob's Burgers."

— Robin Lopez

"We try to treat the road like it's a home game. We ain't got no fans at home, neither."

— Dion Glover in his Hawks days

"Whether I was in Space Jam."

— Jeff Jordan, Michael's son, on the most common question kids ask him

"I felt like we wanted it. We just wanted to come together collectively. Play hard, do it together. I’m definitely too sexy for my cat, definitely, we know that. I’m also too tough to let a meniscus surgery keep me out for six weeks"

— Metta World Peace

"I anticipate saving a lot of money going forward."

— Mark Cuban after David Stern announced his retirement

"One year, we had six guys in jail. Not together, because that would have meant teamwork."

— Jon Spoelstra, former Nets president

"The ghosts were all over me. I just accepted it. They touched me all over the place. I'm taking one of the ghosts to court for touching me in the wrong places."

— Metta World Peace

"Chris Broussard: "Paul, did you call 'bank'?" Paul Pierce: "I called game.""

— Chris Broussard and Paul Pierce

"We would be the hot spot of the league."

— Glen Grunwald, Toronto Raptors GM, on reports that Canada might legalise marijuana

"I’m a pizza guy. But when you really think about it, what is pizza? It’s just dough, sauce, cheese and dedication."

— Willie Cauley-Stein

"I was like a young Martin Luther King out there - non-violent."

— Cedric Maxwell after an altercation with Julis Erving

"It's not about the money. It's about the stuff that you can buy with the money."

— Kevin Garnett

"Well I’ll be damned. Dirk got himself a sister."

— Evan Turner after Dirk Nowitzki married a black woman

"Bruh, we don't even know if dinosaurs is real - they're probably down there just chilling. I'm saying, if some of them could be down just all the way in the bottom just chilling. And asleep or something."

— Jordan Clarkson

"I don't hate anyone, at least not for more than 48 minutes, barring overtime."

— Charles Barkley

"I want him to play like Bill Russell but I don't think he knows who Bill Russell is."

— Larry Brown on Darko Milicic

"I started despising him. We sat down a lot, but it always ended up being him talking and me listening."

— Ray Allen on George Karl

"Yeah, I'm a little surprised. But nowadays, with snipers and Bin Ladens running around, don't nothing really surprise me anymore."

— Kevin Garnett after the Timberwolves did not sell out a Wizards game in 2003

"If Anthony Johnson ever gets a jumper, who's going to stop him?"

— Bill Walton

"I think Blake is an alien and I think DeAndre is an alien."

— Baron Davis about Blake Griffin and DeAndre Jordan

"I hope not."

— Red Auerbach on whether Phil Jackson could win his tenth championship without Shaquille O’Neal

"Doug is the one person who makes Madonna look like a tasteful dresser."

— Dick Schaap about Doug Moe

"I could be All-Pro five times and Most Valuable Player twice and I’d still be known as Cheryl Miller’s brother."

— Reggie Miller

"He's kind of like David Bowie, he's kind of always reinventing himself."

— David Blatt about Boris Diaw

"You have to forgive people at some point. I believe that. We built Richard Nixon a library."

— Doc Rivers

"A lot more people are going to go to heaven than before. Because we were lying."

— Gregg Popovich about the injured list being abandoned

"LeBron stays humble by just being LeBron."

— LeBron James while still in high school

"We have to play like we like each other."

— Dwight Howard

"Me and JJ, we're like brothers. Even though I stay out in the sun more than he does."

— Mickael Pietrus about himself and J.J. Redick

"Sometimes in timeouts I’ll say, ‘I’ve got nothing for you. What do you want me to do? We just turned it over six times. Everybody’s holding the ball. What else do you want me to do here? Figure it out.'"

— Gregg Popovich

"It hasn't changed me at all. Obviously I won't go in the stands again, but I'm the same person."

— Stephen Jackson

"Last year it was Abe Pollin's widow and this year it was a 14-year-old boy and the only thing we have in common is we have both been bar mitzvahed. We were done."

— David Kahn on why he didn't win the lottery

"They told me if we built a new practice facility we'd attract all the top players in the game."

— Donald Sterling

"At least we held them under 100."

— Larry Brown after losing 93-61

"Bitch, you better learn to play the three."

— Andre Barrett to Justin Reed

"Kenyon Martin is the second-best player in the Eastern Conference."

— Bill Walton

Greg Gumbel: "Happy St Patrick's Day!" Charles Barkley: "Great. Another reason for the Irish to go out and drink."

— Greg Gumbel and Charles Barkley

"No, he killed it with one of his foul shots."

— Jeff Ruland when asked if it was true that Manute Bol once killed a lion with a spear

"You can bet the last thing Coach Bob McKinnon wants is a repeat of last Friday night's blow job."

— Bob Costas

"If I'm the best rookie in the league, then this league is s**t."

— Jorge Garbajosa after winning Rookie Of The Month

"Once or twice a year after shoot-around on the road we will empty the entire ball rack by either throwing or punting each ball into the stands, then make the rookies climb the steps all around the arena to get each ball. I’m not sure why, but I really like doing that."

— Nick Collison

"I've been doing yoga, a new form called gyrotonics. I'll let you look it up. You know me, I'm advanced."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"The only time your hips should touch another person is when you are having sex."

— John Salley

"Maybe I'm just always thinking."

— Troy Hudson, on why he rarely talks

"The good news is I was equipped, thanks for my arsenal of Bud Light."

— Shane Battier on being benched

"He's everywhere! Rebounds, assists... Shawn Bradley is looking like Hakeem Olajuwon!"

— Bill Walton

"I'd rather tongue-kiss a maggot than listen to that."

— Monty Williams, after Quincy Pondexter sang Happy Birthday to him

"I thought we were up."

— J.R. Smith after Game 1 of the 2018 NBA Finals

"I don't think Kobe is the best player. I'm the best player."

— Paul Pierce

"In the playoffs, we all celebrities. It's great. I was a celebrity for 12 seconds tonight."

— Damon Jones

"I'm cleaner than Pine-Sol."

— Reggie Evans after taking a drugs test

"He has a great personality, he’s fun and he’s always laughing, he’s always up. Plus he’s playing defense, which even makes his jokes a little funnier."

— Mike D'Antoni about Nick Young

"If the NBA were on Channel 5 and a bunch of frogs making love were on Channel 4, I'd watch the frogs."

— Bob Knight

"Of all the players I've coached in my career, Mark Titus is one of them."

— Thad Matta

"They're like contracts. Everybody's got one. Some are just bigger than others."

— Charles Oakley about entourages

"I turn around and Pluto's no longer a planet. I'm going to elbow that guy in the nose."

— Ron Artest

"Violence is never the answer, but sometimes it is."

— Matt Barnes

"Tom."

— Tom Nissalke, coach of the 1966 Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name

"Finish last in your league and they call you idiot. Finish last in medical school and they call you doctor."

— Abe Lemons

"I was proud of DeShawn and I would have knocked him down harder."

— Jerry Sloan on DeShawn Stevenson fouling Ricky Davis after he shot at the wrong basket attempting to get a triple-double

"It's brilliant that you lose your baby teeth when you're a baby, rather than lose them when you're like 30 or 20. That has nothing to do with your question, but that was definitely on my mind."

— Ron Artest

"No coach has ever had a game officiated the way he wants. And any coach who says what he really wants is objective officiating is lying."

— John Thompson

"I think I was the greatest twelfth man ever."

— Jack Haley

"I don’t even have to like the guy to buy his throwback. For instance, I have a Bill Walton throwback."

— Jason Williams

"We want to win big games, but we don't play well. We're soft. We play like we have skirts on."

— Scott Skiles

"Tyson Chandler! Eating rim in Toronto!"

— Chuck Swirsky

"I just don't want the day to come where I pick up that paper and it says he shot someone, or that he was shot. Every day that goes by that I don't see that, I feel good."

— Moe Smedley, Zach Randolph's high school coach

"I may be, with the exception of Kirk Hinrich, the whitest player in the NBA."

— Paul Shirley, when he was in it

"Who wants to sex Mutombo?"

— Dikembe Mutombo walking into a party at college

"...now quickly to the big guy...and now to the lefty....and he lost the ball but it's picked up in there...the little fella...oh boy, I'm having trouble with the names."

— Johnny Most

"81 points, and he'll be done, what, the first week of May?"

— Scottie Pippen about Kobe Bryant

"Half the players disliked Rick Barry. The other half hated him."

— Billy Paultz

"He coached the Bad Boys. And if you can coach those assholes, you can coach anybody."

— Charles Barkley on Chuck Daly

"If he dies, he dies."

— Timofey Mozgov after Kevin Love sustaned an eye injury

"I hopped out of my car with my gun. I had a gun license at the time so it was all good. People think I was shooting up the place willy-nilly, but my gun was registered."

— Stephen Jackson

"My heart wasn't really in that decision. I'm just really relieved right now. I just want to stay a kid."

— Shareef Abdur-Rahim after withdrawing from the 1996 NBA Draft

"[Joakim] Noah is one of those guys who like attention."

— LeBron James

"When you have a curfew, it’s always your star who gets caught."

— Abe Lemons

"He is.............................a lunatic."

— Adonal Foyle about Gilbert Arenas

"I hate them. Honestly, I do. I hate them."

— DeMarcus Cousins about the Clippers

"I’d rather you say I’m an idiot and win by 20 instead of saying I’m an idiot and lose by two. I’m not going to be that idiot. I’ll be the other one."

— Mike D'Antoni

"Wikipedia asking for donations... Might have to do it. Wouldn't have gotten thru high school without it. Definitely not Duke."

— Justise Winslow

"I'm often mentioned in the same sentence as Michael Jordan. You know, 'That Scott Hastings, he's no Michael Jordan.'"

— Scott Hastings

"I'm a competitor. That's what I do. It doesn't make sense for me to go over and shake somebody's hand."

— LeBron James

"I contacted the Clippers about medical coverage and they said [prostate cancer] surgery wouldn't be covered. [T]hey said if they did it for one person, they'd have to do for everybody else."

— Kim Hughes, former coach

"We played the whole 42 minutes or whatever it is."

— Zach Randolph

"I got two words for you; Steve Nash and Chris Paul, must see TV,"

— Charles Barkley

"You want me to take the time to count 'em?"

— Jalen Rose when asked how many of his Raptors teammates were question marks

"Three quarters of the world is covered by water. The rest is covered by Chuck Hayes."

— Shane Battier

"It would be hard for me not to improve your team."

— Yitzi Teichman, Make-a-Wish Foundation gift recipient, after signing with the Lakers for a day

"Jerry Krause must have pictures of his boss's wife having sex with a monkey."

— Charles Barkley

"It was all out of love."

— Chris Paul's brother CJ, when asked why Chris once pulled a knife on him.

"Hey, some places this would be a foul!"

— Abe Lemons to the scorer's table while holding up the freshly knocked-out tooth of one of his players

"I have a '27 years without getting arrested' streak, so I wanna keep that up. Maybe texting people back quicker. Stop lying about not seeing people’s text messages. That would help."

— Evan Turner when asked about New Year's Resolutions.

"We named your kidney stone Kobe because it's not passing."

— Phil Jackson's anaesthesiologist

"All I remember was Kobe telling me that I've been going to the hole like a light-skinned dude. So I've got to start doing it like a dark-skinned dude."

— Jordan Clarkson

"I couldn't decide between the windmill or the 360. I ended up going with the one-handed power slam."

— Matt Bonner after a rare dunk

"My goal in life is to have a Lavoy Allen day. One day. Just one where I don't give a **** about anything."

— Doug Collins

"Passing makes two people happy. Scoring only makes one person happy"

— Nikola Jokic

"Ask a coach to name the top three coaches, and the first two guys he mentions are usually dead. The third is himself."

— Jim Valvano

"I’m getting too old for that tanking stuff."

— Gary Neal after leaving the Bucks

"My game is very horizontal. That’s why I’ve never had any knee problems. Knees like horizontal players."

— Rich Kelley

"Vowels and consonants ain't all they're cracked up to be."

— Josh Howard

"My sperm is getting slower."

— Dirk Nowitzki

"I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"There will always be haters, that’s just the way it is. Hating dudes marry hating women and have hating ass kids."

— Evan Turner

"You've gotta respect a 15% three-point shooter. A guy like that is always lethal."

— Evan Turner when asked about his own shot

John Saunders: "What advice would you give to Luke [Walton] to have a successful NBA career?" Bill Walton: "Pass it to Shaq."

— John Saunders and Bill Walton

"We could use a little more strength at the five position, the four position and shooting and point guard position."

— Danny Ainge

"He has been unbelievable and milking him has been a beautiful thing."

— Steve Nash about Kobe Bryant

"We're 0-11 but we still have 71 more games."

— Bradley Beal

"I grew up around roaches, and it was bad. Too many of them. Too many friends, I’ve got a lot of roach friends. They wake up in my cereal, they wake up, you know, ‘Ron what’s up, good morning’. One leg in my macaroni, the other leg in my corn."

— Ron Artest

"I'm telling you what it is: I know I'm the best point guard in the NBA. I don't need anybody else to tell me that."

— Stephon Marbury, a while ago

"You know why players like Larry Bird and Magic Johnson are so special? They love to play the game. This isn’t a job to them. That’s John. He’s a competitor. And better yet, he’s Irish and his father owns a neighborhood bar."

— Frank Layden about John Stockton

"I've never taken medication [to control my moods] in my life. Doctors have suggested it and I say, 'OK, give it to me.' But I throw it in the garbage immediately."

— Ron Artest

"The game is too long, the season is too long and the players are too long."

— Jack Dolph, former ABA Commissioner

"I like the simple things in life, like Mercedes and Porsches."

— Cedric Maxwell

"I'm not worried about the Sacramento Queens."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"Getting elbows in the face, I've missed that."

— Elton Brand, after Melvin Ely busted his lip in his first practice back from injury

"There are people who get up at 4 or 5 o'clock in the morning and work five days straight. We don't have it that bad, do we?"

— Charles Oakley

"He's even more mellow than me if that's possible."

— Tim Duncan on Kawhi Leonard

"In college, I always feared that my shorts would come off. That's my protection. At least if my shorts come down, I'll be standing there looking sexy."

— Grant Long on why he wore compression shorts

"My beard is so nasty. I mean, it's the only beard in the history of Western civilization that makes Bob Dylan's beard look good."

— Bill Walton

"I thought he was a pretty good looking fella when he had hair, but oh my goodness, did that bring out all his bad features or what?"

— Don Nelson after Dirk Nowitzki had a hair cut

Yinka Dare: "Jayson, what does the "C" on Christian Laettner's jersey stand for?" Jayson Williams: "Yinka, what do you think the "C" stands for?" Yinka Dare: "Caucasian?"

— Yinka Dare and Jayson Williams

"Light travels faster than sound, so some people appear to be bright until you hear them speak."

— Brian Williams/Bison Dele about Isiah Thomas

"I'm not going hunting with anyone who plays the same position as me."

— Derrick Coleman about Jayson Williams, long before Williams's murder trial

"It’s reportedly worth close to $500,000 a year, or roughly $100,000 for every current player he’s heard of."

— Phil Mushnick on Al McGuire’s new three-year contract with NBC as a college basketball analyst

"Don't think for one min that I haven't been taking mental notes of everyone taking shots at me this summer. And I mean everyone!"

— LeBron James

"That's a cheap shot by a low-class type player. You don't do that. That's gay on his part. I told him that he was gay, too, for touching me in my private parts."

— Francisco Elson about Kevin Garnett

"I always said my goal is to build a championship team. Unfortunately, it’s in Portland."

— Jerry Reynolds when serving as Kings general manager

"San Diego is beautiful. And the people are beautiful. Everything's beautiful. Even the bums are beautiful. When they panhandle, they hold out a piece of Tiffany glassware for donations."

— Rick Majerus

"Sam is an idiot. I-D-O-U-T. Idiot."

— Shaquille O'Neal about Sam Smith

"It's probably the best job in the world. Play maybe two or three minutes a night and get paid to watch good basketball. You can't really beat the job requirements."

— Paul Shirley on being out of the rotation

"I was shooting 45 times a game. What was I supposed to do? Pass it into Chris Mihm and Kwame Brown?"

— Kobe Bryant

"What when I'm all done, my memoir should be called 'The Whole Time I Couldn't See'."

— Stephen Curry after being diagnosed with keratoconus

"It’s been a great run. I’m going to enjoy the next 14 months and then wait until I start my blog. Be careful, guys."

— David Stern on retirement

"I'm like a superhero. Call me Basketball Man."

— LeBron James while still in high school

"You can't get no farewell tour, they don't love you like that. You ain't got that type of love. You thought you was Kobe."

— Draymond Green to Paul Pierce

"I've actually got my ring fitted for my middle finger so they can kiss that one."

— Andrew Bogut

"What's that? Some kind of hamburger?"

— Bo Outlaw, when asked about how he felt on recording his first triple double

"It was almost like a rat (peeing) on cotton."

— Reggie Miller after a big three-pointer

"I feel like I got into a gang fight with a bunch of three-foot guys who beat my legs up."

— Kevin McHale on his chronic lower body pain

"Maybe if you earn less than $8 million, you'll get a scholarship from the commissioner."

— David Stern's answer to Marcus Camby's request for a clothing stipend

"Explain to me how an Apache brave can chase down a runaway mustang and I’ve got kids who get tired playing basketball."

— Abe Lemons

"We're like Tim Duncan and David Robinson. But a younger version. I really feel that."

— Charlie Villanueva about himself and Chris Bosh

"And he was very mean to me my rookie year. And he's only mean to the young guys and the [European players], for some reason."

— Joakim Noah about Kevin Garnett

"I cherished getting kicked out of school. It was a great thing. I became a millionaire."

— Jason Williams

"A thing of beauty! Einstein, Da Vinci, Jobs! And now Tyreke Evans!"

— Bill Walton

"As long as I play ball, I can get any woman I want."

— Dennis Rodman

"I'm pimptastic."

— Ed Davis

"I'm not sure if I was their first choice or not. But I'm not sure I was my wife's first choice, either."

— Mark Fox, Georgia coach

"Hey AC. If God's so good, why didn't he give you a ****ing jump shot?"

— Charles Barkley to A.C. Green

"He's actually about 6'11 but because God chose not to give him a neck he only measures about 6'9."

— Phil Jackson about Zach Randolph

"All I can do is take them in and out of the game."

— Vinny Del Negro on why his Clippers players were underperforming

"Everybody has god given talents. Mine just so happens to be slanging this wood in my pants."

— Dennis Smith Jr

"Male fashion model."

— Marcus Banks, when asked by Daryl Morey what he really wanted to be in life

"I don’t lay on tables no more."

— Ron Artest

"It's kinda hard being this fly man. But, it's easy at the same time."

— Nick Young

"I got it right in his face. I hope you hear that, Michael, on your plane ride home."

— Byron Russell after hitting a late three over Michael Jordan in 2002

"Jesus was hated, too."

— Evan Turner

"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. Our heads weigh more."

— Vlade Divac

"It's not a bad shot until you miss it."

— Jordan Crawford

"That’s like the punter saying something."

— Chuck Atkins after Marko Jaric called the Clippers better than the Lakers

"Danny’s a guy you’d want your daughter to marry. But not my daughter, because I don’t want all those grandkids."

— Cedric Maxwell on Danny Ainge

"After the album comes out I'm going to make sure all of my time is focused on winning a championship."

— Ron Artest

"My swag was phenomenal."

— Gilbert Arenas after a game winner

"I think I did very well against everyone who tried to defend me."

— Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

"Wow, all that money and he dresses like Craig Sager."

— Charles Barkley on Mark Cuban

"You've got to realize, this is the same guy who said he wanted to go play in Madison Square Garden because of the aroma."

— Flip Saunders about Stephon Marbury

"He already gave us 40 something and I'm going to shake his hand and thank him? I'm good."

— James Posey on why he refused to shake Blake Griffin's hand after a loss

"I might win MVP or try to go for Sixth Man of the Year or Most Improved or Defensive Player of the Year. I got robbed last year."

— Nick Young on his goals for the 2014-15 season

"I probably shouldn’t make any plans for All-Star Weekend now."

— Evan Turner after a 360 dunk

"Who the hell is Casey Jacobsen? Tell him to show up at the airport and he can carry my bags."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"John Stockton is one of the true marvels, not just of basketball, or in America, but in the history of Western civilization."

— Bill Walton

"If I was to answer that question honestly, I would have to lie to you."

— Isiah Thomas

"Sometimes you're the pigeon, and sometimes you're the statue."

— Bernie Bickerstaff

"Yesterday we celebrated Sir Isaac Newton's discovery of gravity. Today, Fabricio Oberto is defying it."

— Bill Walton

"Either I've grown, or these are women's shoes. I don't know. Maybe they think I play like a girl."

— Scott Brooks

"He's not a priority to us, and by the looks of their team he's not to them either."

— Chandler Parsons about DeAndre Jordan

"Hold on a second, I broke my butt cheek."

— Kevin Love to a referee

"We’ll win some games, but when the dust settles, we’ll be under the dust."

— Scottie Pippen, when a Blazer

"Osama shouldve hooped instead of tryna kill ppl cause he tall as hell"

— Terry Rozier

"Just give every coach the same amount of money and tell him he can keep what's left over."

— Abe Lemons on how to stop illegal recruiting

Jim Valvano: "Can you give me a T for what I'm thinking?" Ref: "No." Valvano: "Good. In that case, I think you suck."

— Jim Valvano

"Cause we're old as s***."

— Kobe Bryant when asked why his Lakers were struggling

"ANYTHING IS POSSIBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

— Kevin Garnett

"[After a block,] Biyombo told me, 'This is my house.' I told him, 'You have seven wins. It's everybody's house.'"

— Rudy Gay

"He rubs off on me. He makes me happy. He starts … swagging ... or something ... and it gets me going."

— Mike D'Antoni about Nick Young

"Ever watch an All-Star Game? It's God awful. Everybody gets the ball, goes 1-on-1 and plays no defense. That's us."

— Mike D'Antoni

"When you are 60, hang out with 60-year-olds, not 20-year-olds. That is all I got to say about Jerry Buss."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"I told him at halftime that was cold-blooded to go at the old man like that."

— Dirk Nowitzki after C.J. McCollum embarrassed him on the court

"If I could look into the future, I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you doorknobs. I'd be out investing in the stock market."

— Kevin McHale

"I didn't know he was the captain. But, since you said it, I really didn't notice it I guess."

— JaVale McGee when asked about John Wall's performance as captain

"There's not much to look forward to from here on out, so I'm trying to find Ashley Judd in the crowd. It beats the adult videos at the hotel."

— Rick Majerus while losing heavily

"Why did you have to dunk on me so hard?"

— Maciej Lampe to Jarvis Hayes

"We took over an Italian restaurant. I commented to the guys, ‘Do you think we could find a restaurant where part of the ceiling isn’t lower so our players can stand?’ That’s when I discovered that micromanagement was vastly underrated."

— David Stern

"He'll land some good middle-school job; you've got to start somewhere."

— Charles Oakley after the Bulls fired Tim Floyd

"Nobody thought I'd be a great coach. I'm the kind of guy you'd expect to be driving an 18-wheeler through town."

— Rick Majerus

"I'm the first player in history that doesn't want to play defense and still gets in foul trouble."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"[NBA players] make a lot of money, but they also spend a lot of money."

— Patrick Ewing justifying NBA salaries

"I don't think it's too likely, because I'm not a very good basketball player."

— Mark Pope on his chances of making the team

"I haven't disrespected him. Yet."

— Bryon Russell about Doug Collins

"He's three times bigger than anybody else on the court."

— Chris Paul about Andrew Bynum

"I don't want to say we're dysfunctional. But we need to be more functional."

— Kirk Snyder

"So far, we've proven we can beat anybody and lose to anybody."

— Doc Rivers

"I leave a presence when I walk off."

— Nick Young

"There's only one guy ever in the world that everything will be alright when he comes back and that's Jesus Christ. Other than that you can't bank on nobody."

— LeBron James about Kyrie Irving's return from injury

"If he grew some hair, it wouldn't hurt so much."

— Doc Rivers after Kevin Garnett bumped his head

"We’re going to put in the wishbone offense. We’ll shoot the ball and wish it will go in."

— George Raveling, USC coach

"I'd never buy my girl a watch. She's already got a clock over the stove."

— Charles Barkley

"Explain to me how an Apache brave can chase down a runaway mustang and I’ve got kids who get tired playing basketball."

— Abe Lemons

"I'm an optometrist. I always believe in good."

— Mychal Thompson

"I don't think he watches tape. I think he plays video games and I think he could possibly have an Atari. He should upgrade to a PlayStation."

— Ron Artest about Javale McGee

"I’m not sure why I’m getting so much heat from OKC fans. I think it’s a great city. They have a great Walmart and the VHS section of their Blockbuster always has a nice selection. People in Utah would die to have those things."

— Vernon Maxwell

"On our team, we got a lot of young guys and they always want to poke at you and tickle you and stuff, and I really hate that."

— Eddy Curry

"They brought him off the injured list, and he was pretty much doing the same thing he was doing on the injured list, which is nothing."

— Chris Jefferies about Rick Brunson

"You ever wash your sheets and then when you go out, you hang them out and when the sun dries them you smell your sheets? That's what Shaq is."

— Kevin Garnett

"I don't want to shoot my mouth in the foot, but those are games we can win."

— Sherman Douglas

"He just kept saying 'Michael Jordan is going to kill me.'"

— Sgt. Kirk Hartwell after arresting Kwame Brown for speeding

"You can't throw the ball through the nose of a defender and have it come out his asshole to a teammate."

— Rick Carlisle

"The best thing you could say about Charlie Ward is at least he wasn't Chris Childs."

— Bill Walton

"We’ve got Twiggy at center, and we’ve got to stop a guy in Steve Alford whose closest shot in the tourney has been from Saturn."

— Dale Brown, LSU coach

"I don't see it happening unless every NBA player is given a stipend to buy clothes."

— Marcus Camby before the dress code was brought in

"Look how high we is!"

— Dwight Howard on a roller coaster

"I don't wear pantyhose."

— Marcus Camby

"I wanted to ask if he planned to expand NBA basketball to the moon."

— Yao Ming, on his meeting with David Stern

"What comes out of the microwave hot doesn't always stay hot. I know, because I eat bagels in the morning."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"I don't want to go ring-chasing, as I call it; you know, going to a team that's already pretty established and trying to win a ring with them. I want to stay with the Cavs and build a champion."

— LeBron James, 2006

"It wasn't a big deal, like somebody asking me to go fishing."

— Greg Ostertag after donating a kidney to his sister

"That one is for all the suburban Dads out there. I might release a DVD of that."

— Shane Battier after his first dunk for four years

"I don't even know what he is talking about, I just worry about Jerome."

— Jerome James, in response to Nate McMillian suggesting his team was selfish

"He's not 20 years old. No way. I'm going to have to see a birth certificate or something."

— Antawn Jamison on LeBron James

"Once he goes against the men, they're going to beat his butt and make him cry."

— Charley Rosen about LeBron James

"He's not bad."

— Ron Artest on Carmelo Anthony

"All I want to do is grab somebody and bang nowadays."

— Brad Miller

"Y’all know how we have dogs and stuff right? So I think it was bigger people in the world before us, and the dinosaurs was they pets."

— Jordan Clarkson

"The world was made in only six days, and I don’t feel like I would like to have a team in the shape the world is in now."

— Frank Layden when asked how long it would take to make the Jazz good

"Eddie Robinson is about one word: winning and losing."

— Paul Collier, his agent

"Some guys smoke. Some guys drink. Some guys chase women. I'm a big barbecue sauce guy."

— Rick Majerus

"I knew that I would be going places and I just wanted to know where I was when I got there."

— Michael Jordan on why he chose to be a geography major

"A BEAUTIFUL pass by Tony Parker...off the front of the rim."

— Bill Walton

"That brother needs help."

— Jusuf Nurkic after Draymond Green struck him in the face

"Purchase them at the ticket office or flirt with someone who works at the Garden and finesse your way to courtside."

— Evan Turner on how to get good tickets

"I didn't think he had it in him."

— Tracy McGrady, speaking about his dog after it bit a repairman's nose off

"What's better? Dogs or broomsticks? I mean, will the world ever really know?"

— Larry Bird

"I'll never have another wife. If I had to marry anybody, it'd be these 12 guys right here."

— Dennis Rodman during the Bulls' victory parade

"Piatkowski is killing Szczerbiak....Oh, what a Scrabble game that would be!"

— Bill Walton

"OVERTIME!....No! The Raptors win it!"

— Matt Devlin

"I just play with whatever they [give me.] If we are gonna play with a sock, then we play with a sock."

— Delonte West

"He's very white swan. I need him to be more black swan."

— Kobe Bryant about Pau Gasol

"You get what you get. You smoke what you get. Let it burn."

— Charles Oakley

"I’m way closer to LeBron than you are to me."

— Brian Scalabrine

"That's a hell of a duo right there, Marbury, Crawford and Houston."

— Carmelo Anthony

"You can train a cat all you want to bark; the damn cat's not going to bark."

— Kobe Bryant about the 2015-16 Lakers

"There's only one person who's scarier than him, and that's God."

— George Hill about LeBron

"This tattoo means 'sincere.' At least, I hope it does. Every time I go into a Chinese store they laugh at me."

— Delonte West

"You look at Vladimir Radmanovic, this guy is cut from stone. It’s as if Michelangelo were reading and a lightning bolt flashed before him."

— Bill Walton

"If you don't want to get hacked then work on your f---ing free throws."

— Kevin Durant

"I don't need too much. Glamour and all that stuff don't excite me."

— LeBron James

"We can never not think we can't win."

— Amare Stoudemire

"A computer geek trapped in an athlete's body."

— Chris Bosh describing himself

"I don't care if James Naismith was guarding me, which would be scary because he's dead."

— Rudy Gay

"He looks twelve years old. Especially when he's in a suit."

— Walt Clyde Frazier about Nate Robinson

"He should move to Hawaii, lose a ton of weight and start all over… become a yoga master."

— Bill Walton about Greg Oden

"I will find the referees, murder them and then [expletive] their daughters."

— Darko Milicic

"He’s got to be the worst Mormon ever. He’s always lying and he cheats at golf. He’s the only guy I know of who could hit a red ball into the woods and hit a white ball coming back out."

— Kevin McHale on Danny Ainge

"He's a very mean guy. Where's the love? None at all. Ugly, too."

— Joakim Noah about Kevin Garnett

Isiah Thomas: "I've got some bad news. We're trading you to Phoenix." Antonio McDyess: "What's the bad news?"

— Isiah Thomas and Antonio McDyess

"Well, he's a good player for Minnesota."

— Gary Payton when asked about Serbia, confusing it for Wally Szczerbiak

"If they're scoring, keep feeding them. If they're missing, then I'll do me. That's talent. I'm multitalented. Like Bo Jackson."

— Gilbert Arenas

"We're going to be exciting. Of course, it was exciting when the Titanic went down."

— Bob Weiss about the 1992 Atlanta Hawks

"I never say anything nice about that big stiff. He never says anything nice about me. We sort of have an understanding."

— Allan Bristow, Nuggets assistant, about Doug Moe

"Pimping ain't easy, pimping ain't dead. Hos are just scared."

— Charles Oakley

"in college, your per-diem is only about $5 so you end up eating McDonalds most of the time, but in the NBA the per-diem is like $100, so you can go someplace fancy, like Red Lobster."

— Popeye Jones

"If you couldn't shoot, there would be no reason for you to be alive."

— Charles Barkley to Steve Kerr

"Honestly, not to like go too deep into it or be a hipster about it, but if you’re gonna be nice to me one day a year, my life sucks."

— Evan Turner about birthdays

"Loose ball foul on whatever the hell his name is."

— Joey Crawford calling a foul on Stojko Vrankovic

"That's like asking a guy getting a divorce, 'Who did your wife just bone?'"

— Chris Webber to reporters asking him badly timed questions

"I think I'll get along real well with Brad. I can see us really going at it in practice every day, then going out and killing something to eat."

— Greg Ostertag about then-new team mate, Brad Miller

"I do things that are much more complicated than rebounds and defense."

— Andrea Bargnani

"I was incredibly shy and never said a word. Then, when I was 28 I learned how to speak. It's become my greatest accomplishment of my life and everybody else's biggest nightmare."

— Bill Walton after overcoming a stutter

"Because they don't have fours."

— Antoine Walker when asked why he shot so many threes

"Flawless. Llike Yosemite Falls coming right through the rim."

— Bill Walton about Ray Allen's jumpshot

"Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players. It's up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards."

— Bill Walton

"I'm in favor of it as long as it's multiple choice."

— Kurt Rambis about drug testing

"I thought about [Michael Jordan] passing to Steve Kerr. And I thought, 'Well, let me add that to my legacy. I’ll pass one time.' And that was it. It was unbelievable, actually. Ingenious by me."

— Evan Turner

"I think he should have got the surgery before at the beginning of the year instead of waiting."

— Shaquille O'Neal, on Phil Jackson's kidney stones

"I've always said Jeff Green is going to be one of the best players to ever play this game."

— Kevin Garnett

"It's pretty depressing out here, man. It's bad. It's bad. It's all factories."

— Joakim Noah about Cleveland

"They don't let many black people in the governor's mansion in Alabama, unless they're cleaning."

— Charles Barkley

"Cafeterias are my favorite place to eat out. Where else can you inspect a prepared entree before ordering it?"

— Doug Moe

"Me and J.J., we're like brothers. Even though I stay out in the sun more than he does."

— Mickael Pietrus about himself and J.J. Redick

"I can be bought. If they paid me enough, I'd work for the Klan."

— Charles Barkley

"By the time we got [to Detroit], it was almost 2 in the morning. Ain't nothing open but hospitals, jails and legs."

— Jalen Rose

"That's not bling! These are angel wings around my neck!"

— Stephon Marbury

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

— Chuck Nevitt

"I'm not trying to get into any Cheerio commercials, or Coca-Cola commercials. I want to do a commercial in the hood."

— Ron Artest

"Shut up, you little Smurf."

— Gary Payton to Sidney Lowe

"Was there a lockout? I don't know, I wasn't even watching the news."

— Stephen Jackson

"I possess the unique ability to slip into a coma at any moment’s notice."

— Robin Lopez

"It's frustrating, losing at home. It's like bad gumbo. I hate it."

— Avery Johnson

"You can't teach the beast. It's either in you or it isn't. You can't just go to the store and buy a six-pack of beast."

— Kevin Garnett about Karl-Anthony Towns

"The basket looked as wide as my rear end."

— Wayman Tisdale after making ten shots in a row

"The only man who can stop Cliff Robinson is Cliff Robinson. The man is unstoppable even at 38."

— Bill Walton

"Maybe he wasn't hugged enough as a kid."

— Kobe Bryant about Raja Bell

"We're shooting 100% - 60% from the field and 40% from the free-throw line."

— Norm Stewart

"I'm the only person ever with a rat tail and a NBA championship. Let that sink in."

— JaVale McGee

"Other than the fourth quarter of the Jersey game and the first, third and fourth quarter against Boston, we've only had four bad quarters of basketball in our last two games."

— Sam Mitchell

"This year, I feel like the United States going against Libya. Last year, I felt like Libya."

— Mychal Thompson

"They've got KD, but we've got Jaden McDaniels."

— Anthony Edwards

"The checks bounced higher than the basketballs when Donald Sterling took over. The basketball was awful, and the business side was immoral, dishonest, corrupt, and illegal. Other than that, it was all fine."

— Bill Walton

"I must be doing something right."

— Stephen Jackson's response to making Forbes's all-overpaid list

"He's white normally, but he's really white now."

— Larry Brown on Keith Van Horn being sick

"I've won Player of the Month before. They don't ever give me anything for it. A new car, something, a plaque."

— Paul Pierce

"Not sure - they haven't told me yet."

— Brandon Armstrong, when asked which knee he had tendonitis in

"I get buckets, son."

— Oleksiy Pecherov

"We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors."

— Weldon Drew

"I want them to at least name the rule after me."

— Stan Van Gundy after the NBA outlawed mock turtlenecks

"He's really little. Like, really little. You guys don't understand how little he is. I hope he got into his car seat and buckled in tonight. If not, I think that's a ticket."

— Gilbert Arenas about Jameer Nelson

"Don't ask for my autograph. Ask me about the rage inside me."

— Dennis Scott to the kids at a coaching camp

"They don't pay players to play defense. There's only two people historically that play defense."

— Jabari Parker

"I don't think Ron [Artest] had ever meditated before he came here. And if he did, it wasn't with 12 or 13 other guys."

— Lamar Odom

"I eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before every game. Whoever invented that was smart. That's got to be one of the best sandwiches ever."

— Ben Gordon

"I'm like, 'I don't miss.' That's my new name - ''I.D.M.' Call me 'I.D.M.'"

— Nick Young

"It's biblical. It's in the old testament. The prophet of swag."

— Nick Young, when asked about the origins of his nickname, Swaggy P.

"Sometimes you're like, 'Man they must have a cheat code or something.'"

— Emeka Okafor after losing

"That Michael Jackson is unbelievable, isn't he?"

— Al Gore after the Bulls won the 1998 NBA Championship

"I'd probably hire me."

— George Karl, on who he'd hire to replace him in Milwaukee

"There are only two plays that I know; "Romeo and Juliet," and put the damn ball in the basket."

— Abe Lemons

"Guys were talking about hunting, but I'm a city kid. I don't hunt. I don't like to kill things, but I know what it feels like to be hunted. I'm from the 'hood."

— Cuttino Mobley

"He's got the contract, and I don't like to waste money."

— Former Kings owner Jim Thomas on why he wouldn't fire former coach Garry St Jean.

"Half Man, Half Sit-Out-The-Season."

— Charles Barkley on Vince Carter

"Him not being here is going to be tough for me. I don't know what I'm going to wake up for."

— Steve Francis after Cuttino Mobley was traded away

"I don’t really see a big deal out of it, other than the throngs of women that are gonna be screaming my name when they see me in that shirt, which is standard in the Battier household."

— Shane Battier about sleeved jerseys

"Sam's gangster."

— Primoz Brezec about his then-head coach, Sam Mitchell

"He's instant offense, on both ends of the floor."

— Charles Barkley about then-teammate Cuttino Mobley

"Just say I'm from Somalia and I need food."

— Stephen Jackson on his determination to win

"I feel like a mosquito in a nudist colony. I know what to do. I just don't know where to start."

— Pat Riley when his Heat were on an 11-game losing streak

"Obviously a lot more women would be into the game."

— Evan Turner, when asked if he'd like to be the NBA logo

"Men lie women lie BUCKETS DNT"

— Dion Waiters

"Roses are red ... violets are blue ... if you look at another girl ... I will beat you."

— Doug Christie's wife Jackie

"If I had known it was such a big deal, I would have averaged a triple-double for my entire career."

— Oscar Robertson

"The people that know me, know what time it is and know what the diesel is down here to do. Period. P-U-R-E-U-D. Period."

— Shaquille O'Neal after being traded to Miami

"I'm always trying to see what the joke is, so I miss the play that's called and I've got to ask a teammate."

— Joe Johnson talking about his team's mascot

"In my prime I could have handled Michael Jordan. Of course, he would be only 12 years old."

— Jerry Sloan

"We can't go out there with our heads up our anuses thinking that we have every game won."

— Julius Hodge

"It's not up to me. It's up to the organization to say that they want to match that ridiculous contract."

— Carmelo Anthony about Jeremy Lin

"I'm startin 2 give my left hand more responsibilities, brushing my teeth, wipin myself, all in the effort 2 b a better ball player."

— Mike James (in an email to a reporter)

"Yeah, I walked in the shower, I'm not a homosexual or nothing like that, but Kobe had no clothes on."

— Ron Artest

"No comment."

— Michael Jordan, after being asked for his response to making the All-Interview Team

"I taught him everything he knows."

— Kwame Brown about Andrew Bynum

"I'm like the Splash Brother who just got out of the pen."

— Nick Young after joining the Warriors

"I think they started three white guys. Three American white guys at that. I am pretty sure there is a rule against that somewhere."

— Paul Shirley on Memphis

"I want to milk that cow as much as possible. That’s a real good form of milk."

— Jabari Parker about Giannis Antetokounmpo

"I want to thank my teammates for allowing their men to get to the basket again, forcing me to block shots and pick up fouls, and sometimes technical fouls."

— Dwight Howard

"I thought we played pretty hard for a team full of toilet paper."

— Jeremy Lin, responding to Kobe's suggestion his team played soft

"When I saw my team play."

— Abe Lemons, asked when he knew it was time to retire

"I would feel blessed to be the 12th man."

— Mark Pope

"The average fan doesn't study the draft and players like we do."

— Rob Babcock

"Is there a better shot blocker than Vlade Divac?"

— Bill Walton

"There's nothing he can do about it now except to make sure that he is aware of where his weapons are."

— Nate McMillan, after Sebastian Telfair was charged with carrying a concealed weapon

"Usually my two-year-old ends up dribbling it around the house."

— Steve Nash when asked what happens to all the milestone balls he receives

"Great, we'll have to put that on the scouting report.

— Matt Bonner after Kobe scored 81 on his team

"All 13 of us. The whole team should be there."

— Shawn Marion, when asked in 2007 how many Suns players should be All-Stars

"We don't pray after a game. That's too late."

— Abe Lemons

"You know, the one who doesn't take risks, he doesn't get to drink champagne."

— Timofey Mozgov

"Like I told the guys earlier, once he turns 21 and is able to drink, it's over."

— Jalen Rose after LeBron scored 56 on him

"It was unanimous. 1-0, and I won."

— David Stern when asked whether the vote to suspend Ron Artest for the season was unanimous

"I know there is someone, somewhere, trying to take my spot. And I know where he is too. He's in Oklahoma."

— LeBron James

"I left the Forum and drove off in my Rolls that night thinking one thought - that [Paul] Westhead must die."

— Spencer Haywood, reflecting on the day he hired the Mafia to put a hit on his head coach

"It was like my best friend in America."

— Andris Biedrins after crashing his Porsche

"When you have a bad game here or there, you've had three bad games in a seven-year career, then it's easy to point that out."

— LeBron James

"I started wearing glasses last season but they're only for basketball games and dirty movies."

— Rick Majerus

"Get him out of the game, he's hurting the team."

— Larry Bird to Chuck Person's teammates after Person kept talking to Bird

"You would not believe how hard it has been. Buying my first house. That was a hardship."

— Kevin Garnett

"I've seen worse. I was in Milwaukee with Anthony Mason, and this was nothing."

— Joel Przybilla about Darius Miles

"Ball don't lie."

— Rasheed Wallace

"They had bazookas and we were going hand-to-hand."

— Rudy Tomjanovich after a loss to the 1996 Bulls

"I just think [Jesus] is really brilliant, that you lose your teeth when you're a baby rather than you lose them when you're, like, 30 or 20. That has nothing to do with your question, but that was definitely on my mind."

— Metta World Peace

"I'm a big fan of the Nobel Peace Prize."

— Ron Artest after his 67 game suspension

"Sometimes he wouldn’t speak to us for two, three days. He would practice and leave and he wouldn’t even shower."

— Dikembe Mutombo about Christian Laettner

"I’d rather go 0-30 than 0-9, because if you go 0-9, that means you stopped shooting."

— Dion Waiters

"Just underneath the ground.....BAM. Carrots. Albuquerque."

— Delonte West describing a typical day for Bugs Bunny

"Damn, I have a great ass."

— Shane Battier

"We couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle."

— Rick Carlisle

"I haven't really talked to many people. I haven't even gotten a chance to post yet."

— Taj Gibson after Derrick Rose retired

"When he has the ball in his hands, I'm a lot better coach."

— Rick Adelman about Ricky Rubio

"I can’t really remember the names of the clubs we went to."

— Shaquille O'Neal after a basketball trip to Greece was asked if he visited the Parthenon

"If it ain't broke, don't break it."

— Charles Oakley

"He’s using so many of my moves that I’m going to have to start charging him."

— Vlade Divac on Brad Miller's flopping

"Yeah, if they were holding a creditors’ meeting."

— Bill Walton, at the Boston Celtics tipoff dinner, attended by 1,300, asked if the Clippers ever drew that many for an event

"In my hood, bullies get bullied."

— Zach Randolpg to DeMarcus Cousins

"Viper. I like Boa constrictor, too. But viper is the best meat I've ever had. It tastes like fish and chicken combined. It's very good."

— Luc Mbah A Moute, when asked to name his favourite food.

"When I hit it I heard the crowd going crazy and I was like, 'Wow, that was a sweet jumper, they must have liked that one. I had no clue."

— Matt Harpring, after hitting a jumper that gave Mark Jackson his 10,000th career assist

"There's something odd about going up to Michael Jordan and slipping him $16 a day."

— Terry Francona, Jordan's manager during his minor league baseball career

"It’s 15%, but it’s a big 15%."

— Evan Turner when asked about his three-point shot

"That’s like the punter saying something."

— Chuck Atkins after Marko Jaric called the Clippers better than the Lakers

"Maybe my plodding style has its benefits."

— Robin Lopez

"It seems like a pretty common American name. It's not like I named him Hyundai or Toyota."

— Blake Griffin when asked why he named his son Ford

"I'd like 2 apologize Jazz fans that were offended by my tweets. If I knew u guys had internet in Utah I would've never made those tweets"

— Vernon Maxwell

"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING' WINS ONE."

— Dan Gilbert, in Comic Sans

"I don't promote cursing, but it helps. I look at it like it's straight to the point. It's nothing that I'm proud of. If I could stop, I would. But **** it."

— Kevin Garnett

"I really don't even care. I hope they lose every game the rest of the season."

— Paul Pierce when asked about Miami's winning streak

"I stepped on a scale that gives fortune cards, and the card read: ‘Come back in 15 minutes--alone.'"

— Frank Layden when asked if he was overweight

"I shoot from wherever God tells me to."

— Marcus Fizer

"The sky is not the limit, it's the air with clouds in it."

— Tyrus Thomas

"That’s like saying, ‘And now, our next speaker was the lookout at Pearl Harbor.’"

— Frank Layden on being named head coach of the Jazz

"Ball."

— Hedo Turkoglu

"It’s good for the average guy, but if somebody hands a poor kid $2 million to go around half-naked, bouncing a ball, then he’d better take it. Then, if he wants a diploma, he can always buy a college and put his name on it. Like Oral Roberts did."

— Abe Lemons on the value of college