Fun NBA quotes

I have been very intentional in distancing myself from anything that would jeopardize my personal and professional relationships.

— Zach Randolph

This tattoo means 'sincere.' At least, I hope it does. Every time I go into a Chinese store they laugh at me.

— Delonte West

To hang out in a gay bar or put on a sequined halter top makes me feel like a total person.

— Dennis Rodman

When I think about playoffs, my nipples get hard.

— Enes Kanter

You can't even jump high enough to touch the rim, unless they put a Big Mac on it.

— Charles Barkley to Oliver Miller

I don't know what life is like, I don't know how regular people live. I just can never understand it. My first job was the NBA.

— Tracy McGrady

If I could look into the future, I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you doorknobs. I'd be out investing in the stock market.

— Kevin McHale

He's instant offense, on both ends of the floor.

— Charles Barkley about then-teammate Cuttino Mobley

It's like hopping out of the shower without a towel, running into a meat freezer and staying there for about 10-15 minutes, and running back out.

— Kevin Garnett on what it's like to be an All-Star

Yell at him daily.

— Tom Thibodeau, when asked how he ensures an injured Zach LaVine still feels like a part of the team

I remember draft night, I shook David Stern's hand while rocking a red suit with white pinstripes and red gators. I've always been a trendsetter.

— Jalen Rose

If [J.J. Barea's] head was normal sized, I think he'd only be 5'4. But it's so large it makes him 5'9.

— Dirk Nowitzki

Sam's gangster.

— Primoz Brezec about his then-head coach, Sam Mitchell

It was like they were using cheat codes or something.

— Emeka Okafor after losing

I'm in favor of it as long as it's multiple choice.

— Kurt Rambis about drug testing

Hey kids. Do drugs.

— Scot Pollard

I shoot from wherever God tells me to.

— Marcus Fizer

Ball.

— Hedo Turkoglu

It was 201 years ago today, Beethoven@s Symphony No. 3 in E-flat, which escorted in the age of Romanticism in music. And when I think of Boris Diaw, I think of Beethoven and the age of the Romantics.

— Bill Walton

It would be almost physically impossible for it to go up.

— Stan Van Gundy when asked about his trying to lose weight

You look at Vladimir Radmanovic, this guy is cut from stone. It’s as if Michelangelo were reading and a lightning bolt flashed before him.

— Bill Walton

We got Zaza Pachulia being their leading scorer. You know what I'm saying? We'll take that.

— Kenyon Martin about his team's defensive performance

I think I'll get along real well with Brad. I can see us really going at it in practice every day, then going out and killing something to eat.

— Greg Ostertag about then-new team mate, Brad Miller

If all I'm remembered for is being a good basketball player, then I've done a bad job with the rest of my life.

— Isiah Thomas

We're shooting 100% - 60% from the field and 40% from the free-throw line.

— Norm Stewart

Is there a better shot blocker than Vlade Divac?

— Bill Walton

I started despising him. We sat down a lot, but it always ended up being him talking and me listening.

— Ray Allen, on George Karl.

Turkey is a great city.

— Rudy Gay. Twice.

Eddie Griffin has put up the two worst shots in the history of the Rockets franchise here tonight.

— Bill Walton

Jesus was hated, too.

— Evan Turner

I've been traveling the world picking up new moves, kind of like David Carradine walking the earth in 'Kung Fu' though I hope things turn out a little better for me than they did for him.

— Robin Lopez

Damn Shaq, you make me sound like Sydney Poitier

— Charles Barkley

My hair is a representation of the struggle we've had.

— DeAndre Jordan

I don't promote cursing, but it helps. I look at it like it's straight to the point. It's nothing that I'm proud of. If I could stop, I would. But **** it.

— Kevin Garnett

Light travels faster than sound, so some people appear to be bright until you hear them speak.

— Brian Williams/Bison Dele about Isiah Thomas.

When in doubt, shoot. That's how I look at it.

— Stephon Marbury

It's not about the money. It's about the stuff that you can buy with the money.

— Kevin Garnett

All I can do is take them in and out of the games.

— Vinny Del Negro on why his players are underperforming

I probably shouldn’t make any plans for All-Star Weekend now.

— Evan Turner after a 360 dunk

I don't smoke weed, I smoke clowns like you on the bball court.

— Klay Thompson

Star Spangled Banner, I listen to it 82 times every year.

— Yao Ming, when asked about his favourite American song

They're like contracts. Everybody's got one. Some are just bigger than others.

— Charles Oakley about entourages

Anytime you bring Michael Olowokandi on to your team, disaster is soon to follow.

— Bill Walton

Tyson Chandler! Eating rim in Toronto!

— Chuck Swirsky

We played the whole 42 minutes.

— Zach Randolph

I make love to pressure.

— Stephen Jackson

I don't want to shoot my mouth in my foot, but those are games we can win.

— Sherman Douglas

I didn't go to college. I don't know how to read.

— Kobe Bryant

He's fat, lazy and selfish, but other than that, he's perfect.

— Unnamed Eastern Conference scout on Eddy Curry

The only thing he used to be able to do when I first got here was the Christmas videos.

— Dwyane Wade about Eric Spoelstra

This is my first summer [with] no trouble. I ain't go to jail for speeding. Didn't go to jail for DUI. I didn't break my foot. I didn't break my other foot. I'm one step ahead of the game already.

— Kwame Brown

I was really pushing for something interesting, like chronic dandruff.

— Mark Pope, on being placed on Denver's injured list with tendonitis

Charles [Barkley] and I have no-trade clauses. His is written in. Mine....well, nobody wants to trade for me.

— Joe Kleine

That's like asking a guy getting a divorce, 'Who did your wife just bone?'

— Chris Webber to reporters asking him badly timed questions

So far, we have proven we can beat anybody and lose to anybody.

— Doc Rivers

You like it? You think Cleveland's cool? I never heard anybody say I'm going to Cleveland on vacation. What's so good about Cleveland?

— Joakim Noah

I'm telling you what it is: I know I'm the best point guard in the NBA. I don't need anybody else to tell me that.

— Stephon Marbury, a while ago

Hey, some places this would be a foul!

— Abe Lemons to the scorer's table while holding up the freshly knocked-out tooth of one of his players

Viper. I like Boa constrictor, too. But viper is the best meat I've ever had. It tastes like fish and chicken combined. It's very good.

— Luc Mbah A Moute, when asked to name his favourite food.

I'd rather tongue-kiss a maggot than listen to that.

— Monty Williams, after Quincy Pondexter sang Happy Birthday to him

I may be, with the exception of Kirk Hinrich, the whitest player in the NBA.

— Paul Shirley, when he was in it

I anticipate saving a lot of money going forward.

— Mark Cuban after David Stern announced his retirement

I haven't seen a big man pass like him [Darko Milicic]. He really does pass like Vlade.

— David Kahn

John Saunders: "What advice would you give to Luke [Walton] to have a successful NBA career?" Bill Walton: "Pass it to Shaq."

— John Saunders and Bill Walton

Colonel Sanders is the greatest white man that ever lived.

— Charles Barkley

It was like my best friend in America.

— Andris Biedrins after crashing his Porsche

If you couldn't shoot, there would be no reason for you to be alive.

— Charles Barkley to Steve Kerr

There are only two plays that I know; "Romeo and Juliet," and put the damn ball in the basket.

— Abe Lemons

Cause we're old as s***.

— Kobe when asked why his Lakers were struggling

You can bet the last thing Coach Bob McKinnon wants is a repeat of last Friday night's blow job.

— Bob Costas

Reporter: "Did you earn your degree at Clemson?" Elden Campbell: "No, but they gave me one anyway."

— Elden Campbell

Maybe I'll buy a chocolate factory.

— Andrei Kirilenko

If I was to answer that question honestly, I would have to lie to you.

— Isiah Thomas

All the guys in the locker room will give me a hard time and call me Robin Thicke or call me Justin Bieber. I take it as a compliment.

— Chandler Parsons

Male fashion model.

— Marcus Banks, when asked by Daryl Morey what he really wanted to be in life

Tracy McGrady is doing things we've never seen from anybody - from any planet.

— Bill Walton

He has been unbelievable and milking him has been a beautiful thing.

— Steve Nash about Kobe Bryant

I've seen worse. I was in Milwaukee with Anthony Mason, and this was nothing.

— Joel Przybilla about Darius Miles

By the time we got [to Detroit], it was almost 2 in the morning. Ain't nothing open but hospitals, jails and legs.

— Jalen Rose

After the album comes out I'm going to make sure all of my time is focused on winning a championship.

— Ron Artest

Guys like him only come around once every ten years.

— Shaq about Kevin Love

My goal in life is to have a Lavoy Allen day. One day. Just one where I don't give a **** about anything.

— Doug Collins

The sky is not the limit, it's the air with clouds in it.

— Tyrus Thomas

Shut up, you little Smurf.

— Gary Payton to Sidney Lowe

He's very white swan. I need him to be more black swan.

— Kobe Bryant about Pau Gasol

The game is too long, the season is too long and the players are too long.

— Jack Dolph

If Eric Piatkowski continues playing at this level, he's going to replace Jerry West on the NBA logo.

— Bill Walton

I'm going to kill Bart Simpson.

— Robin Lopez

I ain't no GM. Ask Kobe. He's the GM. It's his team. Go ask him.

— Chucky Atkins

If I was a Caesar salad, the croutons would be my friends, the lettuce would be my family and the dressing would be my mom.

— Kevin Garnett

Just say I'm from Somalia and I need food.

— Stephen Jackson on his determination to win

Him not being here is going to be tough for me. I don't know what I'm going to wake up for.

— Steve Francis after Cuttino Mobley was traded away

We have to play like we like each other.

— Dwight Howard

It hasn't changed me at all. Obviously I won't go in the stands again, but I'm the same person.

— Stephen Jackson

There's something odd about going up to Michael Jordan and slipping him $16 a day.

— Terry Francona, Jordan's manager during his minor league baseball career

The good news is I was equipped, thanks for my arsenal of Bud Light.

— Shane Battier on being benched

If he dies, he dies.

— Timofey Mozgov after Kevin Love sustaned an eye injury

ANYTHING IS POSSIBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

— Kevin Garnett

Bitch, you better learn to play the three.

— Andre Barrett to Justin Reed

He should move to Hawaii, lose a ton of weight and start all over… become a yoga master.

— Bill Walton about Greg Oden

We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play.

— Pat Williams

He's a very mean guy. Where's the love? None at all. Ugly, too.

— Joakim Noah about Kevin Garnett

Just another day in the life of the Red Mamba.

— Matt Bonner after blocking four shots in a game

I had to smell his breath for alcohol. I checked his office for drugs. I said, ‘You’ve gotta be high.’ You know what I’m saying?

— Evan Turner after Brad Stevens benched him

Have you ever seen Gollum, John Clayton and Sam Cassell in the same place before?

— Barkley on the 2005 Clippers

In season, he's Doc, but during the off-season my name for him is The D-O-C.

— Kendrick Perkins about Doc Rivers

I cherished getting kicked out of school. It was a great thing. I became a millionaire.

— Jason Williams

This is my two seconds. I must enjoy.

— Boban Marjanovic after receiving a taunting technical after a dunk

There will always be haters, that’s just the way it is. Hating dudes marry hating women and have hating ass kids.

— Evan Turner

We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors.

— Weldon Drew

He's going to own the game. Own the game. We're going to have to build a new arena.

— Pistons scout Will Robinson about Darko Milicic, before he was drafted

I wear women's leggings under my clothes, but no lingerie.

— Dennis Rodman

A LeBron James team is never desperate.

— LeBron James

I'm pimptastic.

— Ed Davis

How many people can say that they've punched a fan?

— Stephen Jackson

What's that? Some kind of hamburger?

— Bo Outlaw, when asked about how he felt on recording his first triple double

If it ain't broke, don't break it.

— Charles Oakley

My swag was phenomenal.

— Gilbert Arenas after a game winner

We're 0-11 but we still have 71 more games.

— Bradley Beal

They brought him off the injured list, and he was pretty much doing the same thing he was doing on the injured list, which is nothing.

— Chris Jefferies about Rick Brunson

I leave a presence when I walk off.

— Nick Young

I think Blake is an alien and I think DeAndre is an alien.

— Baron Davis about Blake Griffin and DeAndre Jordan

He's white normally, but he's really white now.

— Larry Brown on Keith Van Horn being sick

He's not bad.

— Ron Artest on Carmelo Anthony

I'm trying Jennifer

— C.J. McCollum

I'm cleaner than Pine-Sol.

— Reggie Evans after taking a drugs test

Eddie Robinson is about one word: winning and losing.

— Paul Collier, his agent

The NBA will be fine without old LeBron, it's got Ben Simmons.

— Colin Cowherd

He's everywhere! Rebounds, assists... Shawn Bradley is looking like Hakeem Olajuwon!

— Bill Walton

In the playoffs, we all celebrities. It's great. I was a celebrity for 12 seconds tonight.

— Damon Jones

Last season, we thought we could beat you. This season, we're going to strap it on.

— Stan Kroenke

If they're scoring, keep feeding them. If they're missing, then I'll do me. That's talent. I'm multitalented. Like Bo Jackson.

— Gilbert Arenas

We named your kidney stone Kobe because it's not passing.

— Phil Jackson's anaesthesiologist

[After a block,] Biyombo told me, 'This is my house.' I told him, 'You have seven wins. It's everybody's house.'

— Rudy Gay

The ghosts were all over me. I just accepted it. They touched me all over the place. I'm taking one of the ghosts to court for touching me in the wrong places.

— Metta World Peace

I couldn't hear him, but I wasn't going to listen to him anyway.

— Steve Nash after taking a quick shot Mike D'Antoni didn't want

Usually my two-year-old ends up dribbling it around the house.

— Steve Nash when asked what happens to all the milestone balls he receives

Even my family gets spoiled at times watching me doing things that I do, on and off the court.

— LeBron James

Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players. It's up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards.

— Bill Walton

I'm just what America needs - another unemployed black man.

— Charles Barkley after retiring

Vowels and consonants ain't all they're cracked up to be.

— Josh Howard

Every player in our league is underpaid. When Kevin Garnett was making $28 million, he was underpaid.

— Sam Cassell

He's not 20 years old. No way. I'm going to have to see a birth certificate or something.

— Antawn Jamison on LeBron James

Rook, I am the best shooter in the league. In the league, understand? And you're up here trying to tell me something?

— Larry Bird to Reggie Miller, as Reggie tried to distract Bird between free throws

I put points on your face!

— Rudy Fernandez to Pau Gasol.

We want to win big games, but we don't play well. We're soft. We play like we have skirts on.

— Scott Skiles

Bruh, we don't even know if dinosaurs is real - they're probably down there just chilling. I'm saying, if some of them could be down just all the way in the bottom just chilling. And asleep or something.

— Jordan Clarkson

When I started, I thought I was going to be with one team.

— Jim Jackson after tying the NBA's record for most teams

Kenyon Martin is the second-best player in the Eastern Conference.

— Bill Walton

If the NBA were on Channel 5 and a bunch of frogs making love were on Channel 4, I'd watch the frogs.

— Bob Knight

I can be bought. If they paid me enough, I'd work for the Klan.

— Charles Barkley

What's better? Dogs or broomsticks? I mean, will the world ever really know?

— Larry Bird

I felt like we wanted it. We just wanted to come together collectively. Play hard, do it together. I’m definitely too sexy for my cat, definitely, we know that. I’m also too tough to let a meniscus surgery keep me out for six weeks

— Metta World Peace

I wanted to ask if he planned to expand NBA basketball to the moon.

— Yao Ming, on his meeting with David Stern.

It wasn't a big deal, like somebody asking me to go fishing.

— Greg Ostertag after donating a kidney to his sister

Any other incisive, deep questions that make my mind go vertiginous? None of you even know what that means.

— Gregg Popovich

Yeah, I walked in the shower, I'm not a homosexual or nothing like that, but Kobe had no clothes on.

— Ron Artest

He hits like my grandma.

— Eduardo Najera about Kevin Garnett

Maybe he wasn't hugged enough as a kid.

— Kobe Bryant about Raja Bell

Roses are red ... violets are blue ... if you look at another girl ... I will beat you.

— Doug Christie's wife Jackie

Looking back, there may have been a few things I would have done differently.

— Rob Babcock reflecting on his Raptors days.

I don't need too much. Glamour and all that stuff don't excite me.

— LeBron James

I want them to at least name the rule after me.

— Stan Van Gundy after the NBA outlawed mock turtlenecks

Yesterday we celebrated Sir Isaac Newton's discovery of gravity. Today, Fabricio Oberto is defying it.

— Bill Walton

I don't know anything about Angola, but I know they're in trouble.

— Charles Barkley before playing them

I think I did very well against everyone who tried to defend me.

— Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. Our heads weigh more.

— Vlade Divac

20 years from now, you're gonna see me, right, in a drop top Hummer. Butt naked, with some ankle socks on. And a headband. And some Chuck Taylor's. Butt naked.

— Delonte West

I know I can score 20 or 30 points anytime I want.

— Sasha Vujacic

[Joakim] Noah is one of those guys who like attention.

— LeBron James

Rebound by one of the big guys... Divac, I think... Hands off to one of the little guards... The big guy with the beard passes off to the little lefty... Boy, I'm having trouble with these names.

— Johnny Most

Lucky shot, that's all. You don't need to have skills.

— Vlade Divac about Robert Horry's shot in Game 4 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals

Ever watch an All-Star Game? It's God awful. Everybody gets the ball, goes 1-on-1 and plays no defense. That's us.

— Mike D'Antoni

You would not believe how hard life has been. Buying my first house. That was a hardship.

— Kevin Garnett

This dude is huge. I've got to go home and eat like five chickens and put a lot of weight on. It's going to take a couple months, but seriously.

— Marcin Gortat about Shaq

We play basket-ball, not rebound-ball.

— Andrea Bargnani

You suck.

— Raja Bell to Sasha Vujacic

I don't think he watches tape. I think he plays video games and I think he could possibly have an Atari. He should upgrade to a PlayStation.

— Ron Artest about Javale McGee

You can't throw the ball through the nose of a defender and have it come out his asshole to a teammate.

— Rick Carlisle

Reporter: "How are Kwame's hands this season, are they improving?" Phil Jackson - "Let's just say I wouldn't let him hold a baby."

— Phil Jackson

When you have a bad game here or there, when you have three bad games in a seven-year career, then it's easy to point that game out.

— LeBron James

It helps that he's single with no kids. He just packs up his one bag, his Segway, and goes to the next city.

— Nazr Mohammed explaining how Boris Diaw deals with being traded

He coached the Bad Boys. And if you can coach those assholes, you can coach anybody.

— Charles Barkley on Chuck Daly

I'm often mentioned in the same sentence as Michael Jordan. You know, 'That Scott Hastings, he's no Michael Jordan.'

— Scott Hastings

I didn't think he had it in him.

— Tracy McGrady, speaking about his dog after it bit a repairman's nose off

No autopsy, no foul.

— Stewart Granger, former Villanova and Cavaliers guard

That's almost communism. That's like Castro.

— Kevin Garnett after the 2006 tightening of the technical foul ruls.

I never knew that I could have a redneck as a best friend.

— Joakim Noah about Brad Miller

I don't know what's wrong with that girl.

— Reggie Evans about Pau Gasol

Wow, all that money and he dresses like Craig Sager.

— Charles Barkley on Mark Cuban

Patrick Ewing used to be much better in every aspect of the game.

— Bill Walton

You've got to realize, this is the same guy who said he wanted to play in Madison Square Garden because of the aroma.

— Flip Saunders about Stephon Marbury

I like my fish fried, died and laid to the side.

— Keyon Dooling, on eating sushi

He's not nice. I talk a lot of trash out there, but c'mon, be a little sensitive. Be sweet.

— Joakim Noah about Kevin Garnett

Just give every coach the same amount of money and tell them they can keep what's left over.

— Abe Lemons on how to stop illegal recruiting

I've been doing yoga, a new form called gyrotonics. I'll let you look it up. You know me, I'm advanced.

— Shaquille O'Neal

It's not up to me. It's up to the organization to say that they want to match that ridiculous contract.

— Carmelo Anthony about Jeremy Lin

I'm a winner. I'm a competitor. That's what I do. It doesn't make sense for me to go over and shake somebody's hand.

— LeBron James

It's pretty depressing out here, man. It's bad. It's bad. It's all factories.

— Joakim Noah about Cleveland

I earn my money. You should try it sometime.

— Gary Neal to Larry Sanders

Everything Dennis Rodman does is either planned or unplanned.

— Dennis Rodman

Because they don't have fours.

— Antoine Walker when asked why he shot so many threes

I'm one of those players who likes to take the last shot. Let's be honest, I like to take all the shots

— Dan Issel

He's the best Valentine I've ever had.

— Chandler Parsons about Jeremy Lin

If I moonwalk after I get a rebound, that's exciting. If [Andrew Bynum] does, like, a cartwheel, take his shirt off, and [puts] electrical shocks on his nipples and starts doing the Electric Slide, that's exciting.

— Ron Artest

It was like Hamlet. Suspense, a thriller, and then I killed them.

— Quentin Richardson after a game winner

Guys were talking about hunting, but I'm a city kid. I don't hunt. I don't like to kill things, but I know what it feels like to be hunted. I'm from the 'hood.

— Cuttino Mobley

If I had known it was such a big deal, I would have averaged a triple-double for my entire career.

— Oscar Robertson

I'm the only person ever with a rat tail and a NBA championship. Let that sink in.

— JaVale McGee

Just under the ground.....BAM. Carrots. Albuquerque.

— Delonte West describing a typical day for Bugs Bunny

John Stockton is one of the true marvels, not just of basketball, or in America, but in the history of Western civilization.

— Bill Walton

Unstoppable, baby!

— Marc Jackson after hitting a lay-up during a 29-point loss

He's white, so probably, yes.

— Metta World Peace, asked if Steve Nash is the smartest Laker

I don't hate anyone, at least not for more than 48 minutes, barring overtime.

— Charles Barkley

Eddie House's kid is funny as hell.

— Stephon Marbury

The only thing Christian Laettner has in common with Larry Bird is they both pee standing up.

— Charles Barkley

Y’all know how we have dogs and stuff right? So I think it was bigger people in the world before us, and the dinosaurs was they pets.

— Jordan Clarkson

I really like Rafer Alston. We get along great. We have a lot of fun times together that I can't share with you guys.

— Jalen Rose

Once or twice a year, we empty the entire ball rack by throwing or punting each ball into the stands, then make the rookies climb the steps to get each ball. I'm not sure why, but I really like doing that.

— Nick Collison

It was a different sexual situation going on in the '80s and '90s, and I did a very poor job of describing that.

— Wilt Chamberlain

When I think of Boris Diaw, I think of Beethoven in the age of the romantics.

— Bill Walton

It seems like a pretty common American name. It's not like I named him Hyundai or Toyota.

— Blake Griffin when asked why he named his son Ford

I don't wear pantyhose.

— Marcus Camby

Are you any relation to your brother Marv?

— Leon Wood to Steve Albert

Hermaphrodites are people with male and female gena- um, genitalia.

— Emeka Okafor on a training camp documentary

I feel like Bill Walton - old and sh***y.

— Shaquille O'Neal

Who wants to sex Mutombo?

— Dikembe Mutombo walking into a party at college

You want me to take the time to count 'em?

— Jalen Rose when asked how many of his Raptors teammates were question marks

I'm like the brother who just got out of the pen.

— Nick Young after joining the Warriors

I might win MVP or try to go for Sixth Man of the Year or Most Improved or Defensive Player of the Year. I got robbed last year.

— Nick Young on his goals for the 2014-15 season

The average fan doesn't study the draft and players like we do.

— Rob Babcock

A BEAUTIFUL pass by Tony Parker...off the front of the rim.

— Bill Walton

[Battier is] as smart as hell. He understands how to play the game. He plays it at 100% ferocity all the time, a ferocity with sense. And on top of that, he's a character guy, he's a leader, he's a consummate pro. I hate him.

— Gregg Popovich

He is.............................a lunatic.

— Adonal Foyle about Gilbert Arenas

I love Pluto. Everybody loves Pluto. There's a dog named Pluto in the cartoons. I don't know how we got on that subject. We've got to see if we can get Pluto back.

— Ron Artest

Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.

— Doug Collins

I don't think Kobe is the best player. I'm the best player.

— Paul Pierce

I'd never buy my girl a watch. She's already got a clock over the stove.

— Charles Barkley

It's not that bad here.

— Joe Johnson, while with the Nets

I got two words for youL Steve Nash and Chris Paul, must see TV,

— Charles Barkley

They told me if we built a new practice facility we'd attract all the top players in the game.

— Donald Sterling

Wikipedia asking for donations... Might have to do it. Wouldn't have gotten thru high school without it. Definitely not Duke.

— Justise Winslow

Was it for [Richard] Jefferson?

— Jalen Rose after hearing Vince Carter was traded to New Jersey

Big boys don't cry. But, if you're going to do it, do it in the toilet where no one can see.

— Phil Jackson

We have to forgive people at some point. I believe that. We built Richard Nixon a library.

— Doc Rivers

I’m way closer to LeBron than you are to me.

— Brian Scalabrine

I'd like to be a candidate to date Cindy Crawford. Do you see that woman right there? She and I are candidates to be married.

— Rick Majerus

That Michael Jackson is unbelievable, isn't he?

— Al Gore after the Bulls won the 1998 NBA Championship

Greg Ostertag is one of the top centres on this planet.

— Bill Walton

I don't care if James Naismith was guarding me, which would be scary because he's dead.

— Rudy Gay

Greg Gumbel: "Happy St Patrick's Day!" Charles Barkley: "Great. Another reason for the Irish to go out and drink."

— Greg Gumbel and Charles Barkley

Our ceiling is through the roof.

— Josh Smith

Not sure - they haven't told me yet.

— Brandon Armstrong, when asked which knee he had tendonitis in

You miss 100% of the shots you take.

— Mike James, managing to make a bad quote worse

When all is said and done, there’s nothing left to say or do.

— Darryl Dawkins

I just don't want the day to come where I pick up that paper and it says he shot someone, or that he was shot. Every day that goes by that I don't see that, I feel good.

— Moe Smedley, Zach Randolph's high school coach

I think Sammy enjoys his summers.

— Andre Iguodala when asked if Sam Dalembert is dedicated to basketball

We told Stanley Roberts to go on a water diet, and Lake Superior disappeared.

— Pat Williams

I want to milk that cow as much as possible. That’s a real good form of milk.

— Jabari Parker

I think I need botox on just one of my cheek bones. The other one, I want it to hang low.

— Ron Artest

I thought about [Michael Jordan] passing to Steve Kerr. And I thought, 'Well, let me add that to my legacy. I’ll pass one time.' And that was it. It was unbelievable, actually. Ingenious by me.

— Evan Turner

Outside of LeBron James and Dwyane Wade, we're more talented than them.

— Joe Johnson

I been on the toilet all night, my butt crack feels like it has sun burn.

— Evan Turner

It's kinda hard being this fly man. But, it's easy at the same time.

— Nick Young

My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.

— Chuck Nevitt

Cafeterias are my favorite place to eat out. Where else can you inspect a prepared entree before ordering it?

— Doug Moe

I'd probably hire me.

— George Karl, on who he'd hire to replace him in Milwaukee

Don't ask for my autograph. Ask me about the rage inside me.

— Dennis Scott to the kids at a coaching camp

People coming up to me asking me if I'm Hasheem Thabeet. That's probably the worst thing.

— Roy Hibbert

This will be in the past, like a ponytail.

— Klay Thompson

I really sat down and envisioned life after basketball. I really saw myself not playing.

— Mo Williams after LeBron James left Cleveland

I may not be a class act, but I'm an American.

— Ron Artest, campaigning for a spot on the Olympic team

I don't want to say we're dysfunctional. But we need to be more functional.

— Kirk Snyder

I'm not sure if I was their first choice or not. But I'm not sure I was my wife's first choice, either.

— Mark Fox, Georgia coach

At least we held them under 100.

— Larry Brown after losing 93-61

The Washington Wizards are trying to make the playoffs. It's pretty much the same thing.

— Tyronn Lue on the war in Iraq

He's even more mellow than me if that's possible.

— Tim Duncan on Kawhi Leonard

Half Man, Half Sit-Out-The-Season.

— Charles Barkley on Vince Carter

We're going to be exciting. Of course, it was exciting when the Titanic went down.

— Bob Weiss about the 1992 Atlanta Hawks

I don't want to go 'Ring - CHASING', as I call it, you know. Going to a team that's already pretty established and trying to win a ring with them. I want to stay with the Cavs and build a champion.

— LeBron James

Obviously a lot more women would be into the game.

— Evan Turner, when asked if he'd like to be the NBA logo

We don't pray after a game. That's too late.

— Abe Lemons

Sometimes you're the pigeon, and sometimes you're the statue.

— Bernie Bickerstaff

He just stands there, but it's effective.

— Ray Allen on Shawn Bradley's defense

That one is for all the suburban Dads out there. I might release a DVD of that.

— Shane Battier after his first dunk for four years

I definitely want to thank my doctor, my psychiatrist, she really helped me relax a lot.

— Ron Artest in the seconds immediately following his first championship win.

Flawless. Llike Yosemite Falls coming right through the rim.

— Bill Walton about Ray Allen's jumpshot

I just play with whatever they [give me.] If we are gonna play with a sock, then we play with a sock.

— Delonte West

I will miss him a lot. He was a good friend. And he owes me $80.

— Yao Ming after Bostjan Nachbar was traded

A man has to know his limitations and I don't have any.

— Former NBA player Edgar Jones

The groupie level is always there.

— Lamar Odom

We're like Tim Duncan and David Robinson. But a younger version. I really feel that.

— Charlie Villanueva about himself and Chris Bosh

It's nice just to play against [Michael Jordan]. Sometimes you get your picture in the paper.

— Eddie Johnson

I kinda knew Cleveland was going to get the #1 pick. I think they rigged it. Don't quote me on that.

— Carmelo Anthony

[Eric Spoelstra] knows he has to meet us halfway. He wants to work, we wanna chill.

— Chris Bosh

I'm the first player in history that doesn't want to play defense and still gets in foul trouble.

— Shaquille O'Neal

I'm a huge cribbage and corduroy enthusiast.

— Matt Bonner

You know, one day when little Nathan grows up, I hope that his dreams come true and he can be just like me.

— Steve Novak about Nate Robinson

I haven't disrespected him. Yet.

— Bryon Russell about Doug Collins

I've never taken medication [to control my moods] in my life. Doctors have suggested it and I say, 'OK, give it to me.' But I throw it in the garbage immediately.

— Ron Artest

All I want to do is grab somebody and bang nowadays.

— Brad Miller

Scarlett johanneson, I will drink ur bath water

— Kevin Durant on Twitter

You know you haven't been home a lot when your dog barks at you.

— Zydrunas Ilgauskas

Some guys smoke. Some guys drink. Some guys chase women. I'm a big barbecue sauce guy.

— Rick Majerus

Incompetence should not be confined to one sex.

— Bill Russell when asked about the prospect of female referees.

Other than the fourth quarter of the Jersey game and the first, third and fourth quarter against Boston, we've only had four bad quarters of basketball in our last two games.

— Sam Mitchell

The only difference between a good shot and a bad shot is if it goes in or not.

— Charles Barkley

Sam is an idiot. I-D-O-U-T. Idiot.

— Shaq about Sam Smith

We just do what we do. Same boring thing for 20 years.

— Gregg Popovich

I contacted the Clippers about medical coverage and they said [prostate cancer] surgery wouldn't be covered. [T]hey said if they did it for one person, they'd have to do for everybody else.

— Kim Hughes

Getting elbows in the face, I've missed that.

— Elton Brand, after Melvin Ely busted his lip in his first practice back frm injury.

In my prime I could have handled Michael Jordan. Of course, he would be only 12 years old.

— Jerry Sloan

My sperm is getting slower.

— Dirk Nowitzki

There are two ways to argue with a woman, and neither of them work.

— Carlos Boozer's reasoning for cancelling an interview because his wife wanted him to go home.

When he has the ball in his hands, I'm a lot better coach.

— Rick Adelman about Ricky Rubio

I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING' WINS ONE.

— Dan Gilbert, in Comic Sans

You know I had to do it one time lol. #Holocaust

— Danny Green

Americans ... we have sort of an arrogance about us. Like we're the cultured ones? Are you serious? Have you watched TV lately?

— Gregg Popovich

Either I've grown, or these are women's shoes. I don't know. Maybe they think I play like a girl.

— Scott Brooks

I want him to play like Bill Russell but I don't think he knows who Bill Russell is.

— Larry Brown on Darko Milicic

I thought we were up.

— J.R. Smith after Game One of the 2018 NBA Finals

We can never not think we can't win.

— Amare Stoudemire

in college, your per-diem is only about $5 so you end up eating McDonalds most of the time, but in the NBA the per-diem is like $100, so you can go someplace fancy, like Red Lobster.

— Popeye Jones

What a pathetic play from a pathetic human being.

— Bill Walton about Larry Johnson

Osama shouldve hooped instead of tryna kill ppl cause he tall as hell

— Terry Rozier

I possess the unique ability to slip into a coma at any moment’s notice.

— Robin Lopez

He's a very attractive man. He'll be instructing you as to how to look at him, and the different angles of how good he looks, on a daily basis.

— Scot Pollard about Peja Stojakovic

I see you in the club.

— Yao Ming to Ron Artest at a press conference

The only time your hips should touch another person is when you are having sex.

— John Salley

Look how high we is!

— Dwight Howard on a roller coaster

He's actually about 6'11 but because God chose not to give him a neck he only measures about 6'9.

— Phil Jackson about Zach Randolph

Tom.

— Tom Nissalke, coach of the 1966 Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name

You know, the one who doesn't take risks, he doesn't get to drink champagne.

— Timofey Mozgov

We're going to start asking people to go to bars and do some stuff. A little street cred would help us.

— Gregg Popovich

That's not up to me. I'm not an anaysis.

— Michael Beasley

I'm scared. I think I'm the best player here.

— Scott Hastings on the Heat expansion team

It's all Boooooooooooz to me.

— Carlos Boozer about being booed

We couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.

— Rick Carlisle

I think he should have got the surgery before at the beginning of the year instead of waiting.

— Shaquille O'Neal, on Phil Jackson's kidney stones

He can't get depressed, he plays for the Knicks.

— Charles Barkley on Nate Robinson's dunk contest misses

They've been my life.

— Bill Walton about the Grateful Dead

I heard Tonya Harding is calling herself the Charles Barkley of figure skating. I was going to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.

— Charles Barkley

I eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before every game. Whoever invented that was smart. That's got to be one of the best sandwiches ever.

— Ben Gordon

In retrospect, it's OK today. Every now and then you've got to eat a turd sandwich.

— Shane Battier on being benched

I don't think it's too likely, because I'm not a very good basketball player.

— Mark Pope on his chances of making the team

Who the hell is Casey Jacobsen? Tell him to show up at the airport and he can carry my bags.

— Shaquille O'Neal

Pardon me. I just got finished putting this penguin in a head lock. He kept making weird duck sounding noises.

— Ron Artest

Yinka Dare: "Jayson, what does the "C" on Christian Laettner's jersey stand for?" Jayson Williams: "Yinka, what do you think the "C" stands for?" Yinka Dare: "Caucasian?"

— Yinka Dare and Jayson Williams

I don't have to shoot from more than two feet. I'm top 50. I've got 23,000 from where I shoot.

— Shaq after Danny Fortson challenged him to take more jumpshots.

On our team, we got a lot of young guys and they always want to poke at you and tickle you and stuff, and I really hate that.

— Eddy Curry

I made the mistake of going out and drinking Budweiser with Larry Bird one night. I had to get carried back to the hotel.

— Charles Barkley

Three quarters of the world is covered by water. The rest is covered by Chuck Hayes.

— Shane Battier

I make teams win.

— Scot Pollard

Loose ball foul on whatever the hell his name is.

— Joey Crawford calling a foul on Stojko Vrankovic

Damn, I have a great ass.

— Shane Battier

When Primoz [Brezec] first came to the US, he learned his English. I don't know the words, but let's just say everything starts with gangster and ends with pimp.

— Sam Mitchell

My beard is so nasty. I mean, it's the only beard in the history of Western civilization that makes Bob Dylan's beard look good.

— Bill Walton.

I want to thank my teammates for allowing their men to get to the basket again, forcing me to block shots and pick up fouls, and sometimes technical fouls.

— Dwight Howard

Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious.

— Charles Shackleford

It would be hard for me not to improve your team.

— Yitzi Teichman, Make-a-Wish Foundation gift recipient, after signing with the Lakers for a day

Except for offense, defense, rebounding, and turnovers, we had a good game.

— Bob Weiss

I'm an optometrist. I always believe in good.

— Mychal Thompson

I'm hunting for little Mexican girls.

— Karl Malone to Vanessa Bryant

Of all the players I've coached in my career, Mark Titus is one of them.

— Thad Matta

Where would the Clippers be without Sean Rooks?

— Bill Walton

When [Jalen Rose] comes over here, I'm going to give him a kiss. Not on his lips, though.

— Rafer Alston

It's not a bad shot until you miss it.

— Jordan Crawford

It's always frustrating when you get down 40 points.

— Nazr Mohammed

VIKING LOVE!!!

— Steve Nash shouting nonsense in a pre-game huddle

Who cares about Thanksgiving, as long as you've got Julia Stiles.

— Steve Martin, Bobcats play-by-play announcer

I thought so. Or I was just jumping up and down because I'm retarded.

— Sam Mitchell, after he believed a last-second shot (later discounted) had been good.

I've actually got my ring fitted for my middle finger so they can kiss that one.

— Andrew Bogut

Yeah, we make a lot of money, but we spend a lot of money too.

— Patrick Ewing justifying NBA salaries

I was shooting 45 times a game. What was I supposed to do? Pass it into Chris Mihm and Kwame Brown?

— Kobe

Me and JJ, we're like brothers. Even though I stay out in the sun more than he does.

— Mickael Pietrus about himself and J.J. Redick

It feels good to be in the second round.

— Tracy McGrady as his Magic team went 3-1 up in the first round; they lost 4-3

I’d rather go 0-30 than 0-9, because if you go 0-9, that means you stopped shooting.

— Dion Waiters

I'm telling you, Darko [Milicic] is a Serbian gangster.

— Rasheed Wallace

Don't think for one min that I haven't been taking mental notes of everyone taking shots at me this summer. And I mean everyone!

— LeBron James

Pimping ain't easy, pimping ain't dead. The hos are just scared.

— Charles Oakley

And [Reggie] Evans, you talk about Vlade being a flopper? This guy is taking it to a whole new level. He goes down when the air conditioning comes on.

— Rick Adelman

It was so quiet you could have heard a rat pee on cotton

— Reggie Miller after a big three pointer

Like I told the guys earlier, once he turns 21 and is able to drink, it's over.

— Jalen Rose after LeBron scored 56 on him

As long as I play ball, I can get any woman I want.

— Dennis Rodman

OVERTIME!....No! The Raptors win it!

— Matt Devlin.

I got my family to feed.

— Latrell Sprewell turning down $21 million

The thing we're going to miss most about Dwight is his farting ability. A great farter. He can fart.

— Glen Davis

That's like clubbing baby seals.

— Clyde Drexler describing Andres Nocioni's futile attempts to defend Yao Ming

I didn't know he was the captain. But, since you said it, I really didn't notice it I guess.

— JaVale McGee when asked about John Wall's performance as captain

Danny Ferry is just a tremendous player.

— Bill Walton

There's not much to look forward to from here on out, so I'm trying to find Ashley Judd in the crowd. It beats the adult videos at the hotel.

— Rick Majerus while losing heavily

Both teams played hard.

— Rasheed Wallace's answer to every question in a post game interview

I know there is someone, somewhere, trying to take my spot. And I know where he is too. He's in Oklahoma.

— LeBron James

Get him out of the game, he's hurting the team.

— Larry Bird to Chuck Person's teammates after Person kept talking to Bird

San Diego is beautiful. And the people are beautiful. Everything's beautiful. Even the bums are beautiful. When they panhandle, they hold out a piece of Tiffany glassware for donations.

— Rick Majerus

Purchase them at the ticket office or flirt with someone who works at the Garden and finesse your way to courtside.

— Evan Turner on how to get good tickets

Early in the game we were careless with the ball, but towards the end of the game we started......ummmm.....being........well, not careless, I guess.

— Julius Hodge

We try to treat the road like it's a home game. We ain't got no fans at home, neither.

— Dion Glover in his Hawks days

It's brilliant that you lose your baby teeth when you're a baby, rather than lose them when you're like 30 or 20. That has nothing to do with your question, but that was definitely on my mind.

— Ron Artest

I will find the referees, murder them and then [expletive] their daughters.

— Darko Milicic

To be honest, I would put myself in the same category as D-Wade. At the end of the day, the only thing he have that I don’t have is, you know, more wins and two championships.

— Monta Ellis

People think this is tough. I ain't gonna tell 'em any different.

— Doug Moe

I've won Player of the Month before. They don't ever give me anything for it. A new car, something, a plaque.

— Paul Pierce

81 points, and he'll be done, what, the first week of May?

— Scottie Pippen about Kobe Bryant

He's one of the best power forwards of all-time. I take my hands off to him.

— Scottie Pippen about Tim Duncan

We're going to be in bed with each other. It's like a marriage.

— Stephon Marbury about himself and Jamal Crawford

I will shoot all you Asian ******s. Do you remember the Vietnam War? I'll kill y'all just like that.

— Jason Williams to an Asian fan

If you meet the Buddha in the lane, feed him the ball.

— Phil Jackson

Well, he's a good player for Minnesota.

— Gary Payton when asked about Serbia, confusing it for Wally Szczerbiak

The best thing you could say about Charlie Ward is at least he wasn't Chris Childs.

— Bill Walton

No comment.

— Michael Jordan, after being asked for his response to making the All-Interview Team

Mandarin is gonna be the language in 15 to 20 years.

— Stephon Marbury

We were so bad that one night someone broke into our box office and returned four season tickets.

— Johnny Red Kerr

Nothing wrong with wanting to go home.

— Stephon Marbury

He took this matchup with Korver pretty seriously. White America!

— Joakim Noah about Mike Dunleavy Jr

I feel good to be back to my non-athletic self.

— Shane Battier

I wanted it to be all about me.

— LeBron James talking about 'The Decision'

Maybe I'm just always thinking.

— Troy Hudson, on why he rarely talks

I get buckets, son.

— Oleksiy Pecherov

Piatkowski is killing Szczerbiak....Oh, what a Scrabble game that would be!

— Bill Walton

It's not going to be peaches and gravy all the time.

— Brad Miller trying to explain away inconsistency.

It’s 15%, but it’s a big 15%.

— Evan Turner when asked about his three-point shot

It's the kind of game that makes you go home and beat your wife.

— Charles Barkley

Every day is a day closer to our guys being legal.

— Earl Watson on coaching a young team

I really don't even care. I hope they lose every game the rest of the season.

— Paul Pierce when asked about Miami's winning streak

Not a big deal other than the throngs of women that are gonna be screaming my name when they see me.

— Shane Battier about sleeved jerseys

I made it in my head a long time ago.

— Chris Bosh when asked about his chances of making the All-Star team

Hold on a second, I broke my butt cheek.

— Kevin Love to a referee

Isiah Thomas: "I've got some bad news. We're trading you to Phoenix." Antonio McDyess: "What's the bad news?"

— Isiah Thomas and Antonio McDyess

I used to have at least a five-inch vertical, but over the years, it's dropped. It's now down to two or three inches.

— Mark Pope

He's got the contract, and I don't like to waste money.

— Former Kings owner Jim Thomas on why he wouldn't fire former coach Garry St Jean.

Ball don't lie.

— Rasheed Wallace

I don't think Ron [Artest] had ever meditated before he came here. And if he did, it wasn't with 12 or 13 other guys.

— Lamar Odom

I don't just see how going hard in practice is going to take my talent to another level.

— Tracy McGrady

You can't have everything.

— J.R. Smith, commenting on LeBron's receding hairline

Name 12 players better than me.

— Jalen Rose, about if he should make the 2002 All Star team

We padded that. We actually had about 60 people there.

— Dick Motta after a Chicago game had an announced attendance of 891

If they want to turn me into the Jordan crying face, it's fine.

— C.J. McCollum

I'm like, 'I don't miss.' That's my new name — ''I.D.M.' Call me 'I.D.M.'

— Nick Young

Jerry Krause must have pictures of his boss's wife having sex with a monkey.

— Charles Barkley

I'm a big fan of the Nobel Peace Prize.

— Ron Artest after his 67 game suspension

I do things that are much more complicated than rebounds and defense.

— Andrea Bargnani

You can't teach the beast. It's either in you or it isn't. You can't just go to the store and buy a six-pack of beast.

— Kevin Garnett

It's biblical. It's in the old testament. The prophet of swag.

— Nick Young, when asked about the origins of his nickname, Swaggy P.

The AI offense...get the ball to AI and clear out.

— Kevin Ollie, on the offense they ran when he was playing in Philly

He rubs off on me. He makes me happy. He starts … swagging ... or something ... and it gets me going.

— Mike D'Antoni about Nick Young

I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.

— Shaquille O'Neal

Once he goes against the men, they're going to beat his butt and make him cry.

— Charley Rosen about LeBron James

He already gave us 40 something and I'm going to shake his hand and thank him? I'm good.

— James Posey on why he refused to shake Blake Griffin's hand after a loss

I left the Forum and drove off in my Rolls that night thinking one thought - that [Paul] Westhead must die.

— Spencer Haywood, reflecting on the day he hired the Mafia to put a hit on his head coach

I don't see it happening unless every NBA player is given a stipend to buy clothes.

— Marcus Camby before the dress code was brought in

I knew I'd always remember it as the night me and Michael combined for 70 points.

— Stacey King after Jordan scored 69.

We can't go out there with our heads up our anuses thinking that we have every game won.

— Julius Hodge

We could use a little more strength at the five position, the four position and shooting and point guard position.

— Danny Ainge

When you are 60, hang out with 60-year-olds, not 20-year-olds. That is all I got to say about Jerry Buss.

— Shaquille O'Neal

I thought LeBron James was just going to be another addition to help me score.

— Ricky Davis

Raef Lafrentz and Shawn Bradley should start considering new careers.

— Bill Walton

I turn around and Pluto's no longer a planet. I'm going to elbow that guy in the nose.

— Ron Artest

I taught him everything he knows.

— Kwame Brown about Andrew Bynum

Chris Broussard: "Paul, did you call 'bank'?" Paul Pierce: "I called game."

— Chris Broussard and Paul Pierce

With me and Z [Ilgauskas], we're the best center ever created. Better than Bill Walton. Not better than Mr. Russell, but he's different. But better than anybody.

— Shaquille O'Neal

I'm not trying to get into any Cheerio commercials, or Coca-Cola commercials. I want to do a commercial in the hood.

— Ron Artest

I love In-N-Out. It's addicting. It's the only reason I'm here in L.A. If it wasn't for In-N-Out Burger, I probably would've gone to Memphis or something.

— Ron Artest

How the hell can I make my teammates better by practicing?

— Allen Iverson

Violence is never the answer, but sometimes it is.

— Matt Barnes

I have a '27 years without getting arrested' streak, so I wanna keep that up. Maybe texting people back quicker. Stop lying about not seeing people’s text messages. That would help.

— Evan Turner when asked about New Year's Resolutions.

We'll put it in our scouting report, maybe it'll help us next time.

— Jalen Rose after Kobe scored 81 on his team

If Anthony Johnson ever gets a jumper, who's going to stop him?

— Bill Walton

Honestly, not to like go too deep into it or be a hipster about it, but if you’re gonna be nice to me one day a year, my life sucks.

— Evan Turner about birthdays

He looks twelve years old. Especially when he's in a suit.

— Walt Clyde Frazier about Nate Robinson

When I'm not playing, I like to work on my game and look fly for the honeys.

— Julius Hodge

Why did you have to dunk on me so hard?

— Maciej Lampe to Jarvis Hayes

I hopped out of my car with my gun. I had a gun license at the time so it was all good. People think I was shooting up the place willy-nilly, but my gun was registered.

— Stephen Jackson

I just hate that I still get pimples.

— Anderson Varejao

You can't kill a G. Bugs Bunny is a G.

— Delonte West

Every night, when you lay your head on your pillow, you say, 'Wow, I'm one of 300.' Of course, 50 of us are real bad.

— Scott Hastings

I don't even understand the word happy. Happy is a stupid word. It really is. It makes no sense.

— Gregg Popovich

I never got a California driver's license. If I ever got stopped, I was going to tell the cop, 'I'm the Clippers coach. I'm not going to be here that long.

— Bob Weiss

I thought he was a pretty good looking fella when he had hair, but oh my goodness, did that bring out all his bad features or what?

— Don Nelson after Dirk Nowitzki had a hair cut

That's a cheap shot by a low-class type player. You don't do that. That's gay on his part. I told him that he was gay, too, for touching me in my private parts.

— Francisco Elson about Kevin Garnett

Nobody thought I'd be a great coach. I'm the kind of guy you'd expect to be driving an 18-wheeler through town.

— Rick Majerus

Last year it was Abe Pollin's widow and this year it was a 14-year-old boy and the only thing we have in common is we have both been bar mitzvahed. We were done.

— David Kahn on why he didn't win the lottery

One year, we had six guys in jail. Not together, because that would have meant teamwork.

— Jim Spoelstra, former Nets president

We're just playing basketball. It's not like we're going out to have unprotected sex with Magic.

— Charles Barkley

I know why girls go and have their nails done so often and have spa days. It feels awesome.

— DeAndre Jordan

Jim Valvano: "Can you give me a T for what I'm thinking?" Ref: "No." Valvano: "Good. In that case, I think you suck."

— Jim Valvano and Ref and Valvano

Me and J.J., we're like brothers. Even though I stay out in the sun more than he does.

— Mickael Pietrus about himself and J.J. Redick

I'm too white trash for the Lakers.

— Paul Shirley

So, which one of you guys is going to come in second?

— Larry Bird before the Three-Point Contest; he won

I'm one of the best shooters in the league and I know that for a fact.

— Marcus Morris

I'm not in any rush to get it, honestly. I didn't play a single minute in the whole joint.

— Eddy Curry about his championship ring

I won't call myself a soft teddy bear because it might mess up my image, but I am a great guy.

— Kendrick Perkins

Hey AC. If God's so good, why didn't he give you a ****ing jump shot?

— Charles Barkley to A.C. Green

I didn't even know Elvis was from Memphis. I thought he was from Tennessee.

— Drew Gooden

LeBron stays humble by just being LeBron.

— LeBron James while still in high school

I'm still looking pretty handsome, as you can see.

— Jae Crowder, after being elbowed

That's not bling! These are angel wings around my neck!

— Stephon Marbury

You ever wash your sheets and then when you go out, you hang them out and when the sun dries them you smell your sheets? That's what Shaq is.

— Kevin Garnett

I got to the rim and ran out of talent.

— Corey Brewer after missing a layup

It's just the same as school, just without all the adult supervision and everyone needing to know where I'm going every five minutes.

— Dorell Wright about the NBA

E.T..

— Rondae Hollis-Jefferson, asked about his favorite Star Wars character

I'm not going hunting with anyone who plays the same position as me.

— Derrick Coleman about Jayson Williams, long before Williams's murder trial

I keep asking to be invited to the dance tryouts but no one ever allows me there. I'll just say this: My general philosophy is that you can teach them to dance.

— Daryl Morey

I thank my teammates for letting their men blow by them.

— Alonzo Mourning after winning the DPOY award

Was there a lockout? I don't know, I wasn't even watching the news.

— Stephen Jackson

That was just something I made up.

— Vernon Maxwell after taking two weeks off midseason citing personal problems

They should have focused more on me.

— Sebastian Telfair's opinion of a documentary about Sebastian Telfair

I spent money, I slept with women around the league, but I always kept my mind on the game.

— Dennis Rodman

In the top story of the day, I've been traded to Portland.

— Kiki Vanderweghe, who worked an offseason job as a local news reporter

I'm not worried about the Sacramento Queens.

— Shaq

This is an unbelievable venture for myself. This is great, also for the kids.

— LeBron James after donating to a Boys And Girls club

Not enough brain cells for that one, brother. I just stand there.

— Steven Adams, asked about his rebounding technique

It's good to cry. Never keep it bottled up. Then it either explodes like soda or comes out in the form of gas. You want tears or a fart?

— Metta World Peace

When I hit that fan, I definitely enjoyed it.

— Stephen Jackson

They don't pay players to play defense. There's only two people historically that play defense.

— Jabari Parker

It was all out of love.

— Chris Paul's brother CJ, when asked why Chris once pulled a knife on him.

I'm always powder-fresh during the games. I'm sure my opponents love that.

— DeAndre Jordan

Two or three years from now you'll look back and think: How could Jordan have not taken [DeSagana] Diop #1?

— Skip Bayless in 2001

I've always said Jeff Green is going to be one of the best players to ever play this game.

— Kevin Garnett

I'll be honest as hell with you. I did write out a will before taking this trip.

— Lamar Odom about the 2004 Olympics

Look at everybody in the league. They don't pay players to play defense.

— Jabari Parker

It will make me look sexier at the beach.

— Julius Hodge on gaining 15lbs of muscle

They started three American white guys. I'm pretty sure there is a rule against that.

— Paul Shirley on Memphis

He's really little. Like, really little. You guys don't understand how little he is. I hope he got into his car seat and buckled in tonight. If not, I think that's a ticket.

— Gilbert Arenas about Jameer Nelson

There's nothing he can do about it now except to make sure that he is aware of where his weapons are.

— Nate McMillan, after Sebastian Telfair was charged with carrying a concealed weapon

I take my hat off to myself for dealing with all this stuff.

— Carmelo Anthony during trade rumours

Men lie. Women lie. Buckets don't.

— Dion Waiters

That's a trick question. The U.S. does not have a capital.

— Elton Brand after being asked the capital of the USA

Take that juice and you're clear.

— Lamar Odom, on how to beat the NBA's drug tests

The best [LeBron] James can ever be is an average NBA player.

— Charley Rosen

I'm like a superhero. Call me Basketball Man.

— LeBron James while still in high school

He's three times bigger than anybody else on the court.

— Chris Paul about Andrew Bynum

I started wearing glasses last season but they're only for basketball games and dirty movies.

— Rick Majerus

I would feel blessed to be the 12th man.

— Mark Pope

And he was very mean to me my rookie year. And he's only mean to the young guys and the [European players], for some reason.

— Joakim Noah about Kevin Garnett

I just think [Jesus] is really brilliant, that you lose your teeth when you're a baby rather than you lose them when you're, like, 30 or 20. That has nothing to do with your question, but that was definitely on my mind.

— Metta World Peace

There's only one person who's scarier than him, and that's God.

— George Hill about LeBron

I couldn't decide between the windmill or the 360. So I ended up going with the one-handed power slam.

— Matt Bonner after a rare dunk

We're the two best white shooters in the NBA.

— Gilbert Arenas about J.J. Redick and himself

Man I can’t remember all the clubs we went to.

— Shaq after a basketball trip to Greece was asked if he visited the Parthenon

They don't let many black people in the governor's mansion in Alabama, unless they're cleaning.

— Charles Barkley

Reporter: "What could Eddy Curry do to become a better rebounder?" Scott Skiles: "Jump."

— Scott Skiles

I'm not going to argue with you, Ernie. I'll hit you in the left eye.

— Charles Barkley to Ernie Johnson

The only man who can stop Cliff Robinson is Cliff Robinson. The man is unstoppable even at 38.

— Bill Walton

Play some Picasso.

— Former Net Chris Morris to a restaurant piano player, trying to impress a date

I'm startin 2 give my left hand more responsibilities, brushing my teeth, wipin myself, all in the effort 2 b a better ball player.

— Mike James (in an email to a reporter)

A lot more people are going to go to heaven than before. Because we were lying.

— Gregg Popovich about the injured list being abandoned

f you're being drafted, people are saying "we want you around for four years", and I can't imagine anybody wants Enes Kanter or Royce White around them for even four minutes.

— Robin Lopez

You've gotta respect a 15% three-point shooter. A guy like that is always lethal.

— Evan Turner when asked about his own shot

I must be doing something right.

— Stephen Jackson's response to making Forbes's all-overpaid list

A computer geek trapped in an athlete's body.

— Chris Bosh describing himself

That was my fault. I should have read it before it came out.

— Charles Barkley on being misquoted in his autobiography

If I'm the best rookie in the league, then this league is s**t.

— Jorge Garbajosa after winning Rookie Of The Month

Dan is the countryest guy in L.A. We all make fun of him. Sometimes he doesn't even know what he's talking about; he's just talking.

— Chris Duhon about Dan D'Antoni

Karl Malone has spent more time in a gym, than Corey Maggette has been alive.

— Bill Walton

Can you openly admit that you know the Earth is constitutionally round? Like, you know that for sure? Like, I don't know.

— Kyrie Irving

You outrebounded a dead man by one.

— Abe Lemons to an underperforming player

He just kept saying 'Michael Jordan is going to kill me.'

— Sgt. Kirk Hartwell after arresting Kwame Brown for speeding

Here was a physically mature man-child with the feet, touch and timing of a young Hakeem Olajuwon. All [DeSagana] Diop needs is time.

— Skip Bayless in 2001

It was unanimous. 1-0, and I won.

— David Stern when asked whether the vote to suspend Ron Artest for the season was unanimous

Punjabi! As Peja drills it!

— Matt Devlin slightly misfiring on Mr Stojakovic's name. (Note: awkward silences left out for space reasons.)