Fun NBA quotes

"When he has the ball in his hands, I'm a lot better coach."

— Rick Adelman about Ricky Rubio

"The good news is I was equipped, thanks for my arsenal of Bud Light."

— Shane Battier on being benched

"If you're being drafted, people are saying "we want you around for four years", and I can't imagine anybody wants Enes Kanter or Royce White around them for even four minutes."

— Robin Lopez

"One year, we had six guys in jail. Not together, because that would have meant teamwork."

— Jon Spoelstra, former Nets president

"We were so bad that one night someone broke into our box office and returned four season tickets."

— Johnny Red Kerr

"The thing we're going to miss most about Dwight is his farting ability. A great farter. He can fart."

— Glen Davis

"It's not that bad here."

— Joe Johnson, while with the Nets

"If [J.J. Barea's] head was normal sized, I think he'd only be 5'4. But it's so large it makes him 5'9."

— Dirk Nowitzki

"A BEAUTIFUL pass by Tony Parker...off the front of the rim."

— Bill Walton

"Me and J.J., we're like brothers. Even though I stay out in the sun more than he does."

— Mickael Pietrus about himself and J.J. Redick

"I know I can score 20 or 30 points anytime I want."

— Sasha Vujacic

"Damn, I have a great ass."

— Shane Battier

"What's that? Some kind of hamburger?"

— Bo Outlaw, when asked about how he felt on recording his first triple double

"And [Reggie] Evans, you talk about Vlade being a flopper? This guy is taking it to a whole new level. He goes down when the air conditioning comes on."

— Rick Adelman

"I got to the rim and ran out of talent."

— Corey Brewer after missing a layup

"Get him out of the game, he's hurting the team."

— Larry Bird to Chuck Person's teammates after Person kept talking to Bird

"He's instant offense, on both ends of the floor."

— Charles Barkley about then-teammate Cuttino Mobley

Reporter: "Did you earn your degree at Clemson?" Elden Campbell: "No, but they gave me one anyway."

— Elden Campbell

"[Battier is] as smart as hell. He understands how to play the game. He plays it at 100% ferocity all the time, a ferocity with sense. And on top of that, he's a character guy, he's a leader, he's a consummate pro. I hate him."

— Gregg Popovich

"He already gave us 40 something and I'm going to shake his hand and thank him? I'm good."

— James Posey on why he refused to shake Blake Griffin's hand after a loss

"If Eric Piatkowski continues playing at this level, he's going to replace Jerry West on the NBA logo."

— Bill Walton

"I would feel blessed to be the 12th man."

— Mark Pope

"I will shoot all you Asian ******s. Do you remember the Vietnam War? I'll kill y'all just like that."

— Jason Williams to an Asian fan

"They don't pay players to play defense. There's only two people historically that play defense."

— Jabari Parker

"If I was to answer that question honestly, I would have to lie to you."

— Isiah Thomas

"I thought he was a pretty good looking fella when he had hair, but oh my goodness, did that bring out all his bad features or what?"

— Don Nelson after Dirk Nowitzki had a hair cut

"Ball."

— Hedo Turkoglu

"I will miss him a lot. He was a good friend. And he owes me $80."

— Yao Ming after Bostjan Nachbar was traded

"Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious."

— Charles Shackleford

"My sperm is getting slower."

— Dirk Nowitzki

"You look at Vladimir Radmanovic, this guy is cut from stone. It’s as if Michelangelo were reading and a lightning bolt flashed before him."

— Bill Walton

"Other than the fourth quarter of the Jersey game and the first, third and fourth quarter against Boston, we've only had four bad quarters of basketball in our last two games."

— Sam Mitchell

"Lucky shot, that's all. You don't need to have skills."

— Vlade Divac about Robert Horry's shot in Game 4 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals

"You've got to realize, this is the same guy who said he wanted to go play in Madison Square Garden because of the aroma."

— Flip Saunders about Stephon Marbury

"Unstoppable, baby!"

— Marc Jackson after hitting a lay-up during a 29-point loss

"Americans ... we have sort of an arrogance about us. Like we're the cultured ones? Are you serious? Have you watched TV lately?"

— Gregg Popovich

"This is my two seconds. I must enjoy."

— Boban Marjanovic after receiving a taunting technical after a dunk

"It's pretty depressing out here, man. It's bad. It's bad. It's all factories."

— Joakim Noah about Cleveland

"It’s 15%, but it’s a big 15%."

— Evan Turner when asked about his three-point shot

"They've been my life."

— Bill Walton about the Grateful Dead

"No comment."

— Michael Jordan, after being asked for his response to making the All-Interview Team

"Even my family gets spoiled at times watching me doing things that I do, on and off the court."

— LeBron James

"That was my responsibility. 'I haven't read the book."

— Charles Barkley on being misquoted in his autobiography

"Cafeterias are my favorite place to eat out. Where else can you inspect a prepared entree before ordering it?"

— Doug Moe

"We just do what we do. Same boring thing for 20 years."

— Gregg Popovich

"I got my family to feed."

— Latrell Sprewell turning down $21 million

"I'm going to kill Bart Simpson."

— Robin Lopez

"Both teams played hard."

— Rasheed Wallace's answer to every question in a post game interview

"Every day is a day closer to our guys being legal."

— Earl Watson on coaching a young team

"He rubs off on me. He makes me happy. He starts … swagging ... or something ... and it gets me going."

— Mike D'Antoni about Nick Young

"By the time we got [to Detroit], it was almost 2 in the morning. Ain't nothing open but hospitals, jails and legs."

— Jalen Rose

"I thought about [Michael Jordan] passing to Steve Kerr. And I thought, 'Well, let me add that to my legacy. I’ll pass one time.' And that was it. It was unbelievable, actually. Ingenious by me."

— Evan Turner

"You outrebounded a dead man by one."

— Abe Lemons to an underperforming player

"I'm hunting for little Mexican girls."

— Karl Malone to Vanessa Bryant

"Bruh, we don't even know if dinosaurs is real - they're probably down there just chilling. I'm saying, if some of them could be down just all the way in the bottom just chilling. And asleep or something."

— Jordan Clarkson

"It seems like a pretty common American name. It's not like I named him Hyundai or Toyota."

— Blake Griffin when asked why he named his son Ford

"When all is said and done, there’s nothing left to say or do."

— Darryl Dawkins

Reporter: "What could Eddy Curry do to become a better rebounder?" Scott Skiles: "Jump."

— Scott Skiles

"This tattoo means 'sincere.' At least, I hope it does. Every time I go into a Chinese store they laugh at me."

— Delonte West

"Look how high we is!"

— Dwight Howard on a roller coaster

"It hasn't changed me at all. Obviously I won't go in the stands again, but I'm the same person."

— Stephen Jackson

"Sam is an idiot. I-D-O-U-T. Idiot."

— Shaq about Sam Smith

"The game is too long, the season is too long and the players are too long."

— Jack Dolph, former ABA Commissioner

"[Joakim] Noah is one of those guys who like attention."

— LeBron James

"It was all out of love."

— Chris Paul's brother CJ, when asked why Chris once pulled a knife on him.

"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

— Pat Williams

"I've seen worse. I was in Milwaukee with Anthony Mason, and this was nothing."

— Joel Przybilla about Darius Miles

"Just say I'm from Somalia and I need food."

— Stephen Jackson on his determination to win

"The ghosts were all over me. I just accepted it. They touched me all over the place. I'm taking one of the ghosts to court for touching me in the wrong places."

— Metta World Peace

"I love Pluto. Everybody loves Pluto. There's a dog named Pluto in the cartoons. I don't know how we got on that subject. We've got to see if we can get Pluto back."

— Ron Artest

"You can't throw the ball through the nose of a defender and have it come out his asshole to a teammate."

— Rick Carlisle

"I know why girls go and have their nails done so often and have spa days. It feels awesome."

— DeAndre Jordan

"That Michael Jackson is unbelievable, isn't he?"

— Al Gore after the Bulls won the 1998 NBA Championship

"You know, they want me to get traded now because things are getting good. Same things that happened at every other team I was on."

— Stephon Marbury

"That's not up to me. I'm not an analysis."

— Michael Beasley

"I’d rather go 0-30 than 0-9, because if you go 0-9, that means you stopped shooting."

— Dion Waiters

"OVERTIME!....No! The Raptors win it!"

— Matt Devlin

"I'm like the Splash Brother who just got out of the pen."

— Nick Young after joining the Warriors

"We got Zaza Pachulia being their leading scorer. You know what I'm saying? We'll take that."

— Kenyon Martin about his team's defensive performance

"I'll be honest as hell with you. I did write out a will before taking this trip."

— Lamar Odom about the 2004 Olympics

"He's a very mean guy. Where's the love? None at all. Ugly, too."

— Joakim Noah about Kevin Garnett

"I'm not worried about the Sacramento Queens."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"Three quarters of the world is covered by water. The rest is covered by Chuck Hayes."

— Shane Battier

"Like Hamlet. It was a suspense thriller, and I killed them at the end.”

— Quentin Richardson after a game winner

"They brought him off the injured list, and he was pretty much doing the same thing he was doing on the injured list, which is nothing."

— Chris Jefferies about Rick Brunson

Reporter: "How are Kwame's hands this season, are they improving?" Phil Jackson - "Let's just say I wouldn't let him hold a baby."

— Phil Jackson

"I'm scared. I think I'm the best player here."

— Scott Hastings on the Heat expansion team

"Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players. It's up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards."

— Bill Walton

"Hey, some places this would be a foul!"

— Abe Lemons to the scorer's table while holding up the freshly knocked-out tooth of one of his players

"If I moonwalk after I get a rebound, that's exciting. If [Andrew Bynum] does, like, a cartwheel, take his shirt off, and [puts] electrical shocks on his nipples and starts doing the Electric Slide, that's exciting."

— Ron Artest

"We told Stanley Roberts to go on a water diet, and Lake Superior disappeared."

— Pat Williams

"People coming up to me asking me if I'm Hasheem Thabeet. That's probably the worst thing."

— Roy Hibbert

"He coached the Bad Boys. And if you can coach those assholes, you can coach anybody."

— Charles Barkley on Chuck Daly

"I think Blake is an alien and I think DeAndre is an alien."

— Baron Davis about Blake Griffin and DeAndre Jordan

"His initials are PG, but I want him to be rated R."

— Damon Stoudamire about Pau Gasol

"Where would the Clippers be without Sean Rooks?"

— Bill Walton

"Eddie Robinson is about one word: winning and losing."

— Paul Collier, his agent

"I eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before every game. Whoever invented that was smart. That's got to be one of the best sandwiches ever."

— Ben Gordon

"I may be, with the exception of Kirk Hinrich, the whitest player in the NBA."

— Paul Shirley, when he was in it

"Not sure - they haven't told me yet."

— Brandon Armstrong, when asked which knee he had tendonitis in

"We can never not think we can't win."

— Amare Stoudemire

"Yeah, I walked in the shower, I'm not a homosexual or nothing like that, but Kobe had no clothes on."

— Ron Artest

"Usually my two-year-old ends up dribbling it around the house."

— Steve Nash when asked what happens to all the milestone balls he receives

"Everything Dennis Rodman does is either planned or unplanned."

— Dennis Rodman

"I don't know anything about Angola, but I know they're in trouble."

— Charles Barkley before playing them

"It's biblical. It's in the old testament. The prophet of swag."

— Nick Young, when asked about the origins of his nickname, Swaggy P.

"I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"That one is for all the suburban Dads out there. I might release a DVD of that."

— Shane Battier after his first dunk for four years

"[NBA players] make a lot of money, but they also spend a lot of money."

— Patrick Ewing justifying NBA salaries

"All I want to do is grab somebody and bang nowadays."

— Brad Miller

"I was shooting 45 times a game. What was I supposed to do? Pass it into Chris Mihm and Kwame Brown?"

— Kobe Bryant

"I really like Rafer Alston. We get along great. We have a lot of fun times together that I can't share with you guys."

— Jalen Rose

"He's three times bigger than anybody else on the court."

— Chris Paul about Andrew Bynum

"My beard is so nasty. I mean, it's the only beard in the history of Western civilization that makes Bob Dylan's beard look good."

— Bill Walton

"They're like contracts. Everybody's got one. Some are just bigger than others."

— Charles Oakley about entourages

"I'd rather tongue-kiss a maggot than listen to that."

— Monty Williams, after Quincy Pondexter sang Happy Birthday to him

"I never got a California driver's license. If I ever got stopped, I was going to tell the cop, 'I'm the Clippers coach. I'm not going to be here that long."

— Bob Weiss

"Nobody thought I'd be a great coach. I'm the kind of guy you'd expect to be driving an 18-wheeler through town."

— Rick Majerus

"My goal in life is to have a Lavoy Allen day. One day. Just one where I don't give a **** about anything."

— Doug Collins

"I taught him everything he knows."

— Kwame Brown about Andrew Bynum

"And he was very mean to me my rookie year. And he's only mean to the young guys and the [European players], for some reason."

— Joakim Noah about Kevin Garnett

"You know I had to do it one time lol. #Holocaust"

— Danny Green

"So far, we've proven we can beat anybody and lose to anybody."

— Doc Rivers

"If it ain't broke, don't break it."

— Charles Oakley

"[Eric Spoelstra] knows he has to meet us halfway. He wants to work, we wanna chill."

— Chris Bosh

"You would not believe how hard it has been. Buying my first house. That was a hardship."

— Kevin Garnett

"We're 0-11 but we still have 71 more games."

— Bradley Beal

"Incompetence should not be confined to one sex."

— Bill Russell when asked about the prospect of female referees.

"I saw what the governor makes. That's like four hands of blackjack."

— Charles Barkley on why he did not seriously consider becoming the governor of Alabama

"We named your kidney stone Kobe because it's not passing."

— Phil Jackson's anaesthesiologist

"He just kept saying 'Michael Jordan is going to kill me.'"

— Sgt. Kirk Hartwell after arresting Kwame Brown for speeding

"I've actually got my ring fitted for my middle finger so they can kiss that one."

— Andrew Bogut

"I don't think Kobe is the best player. I'm the best player."

— Paul Pierce

"How many people can say that they've punched a fan?"

— Stephen Jackson

"I don't know what's wrong with that girl."

— Reggie Evans about Pau Gasol

"All I can do is take them in and out of the games."

— Vinny Del Negro on why his players are underperforming

"Don't think for one min that I haven't been taking mental notes of everyone taking shots at me this summer. And I mean everyone!"

— LeBron James

"At least we held them under 100."

— Larry Brown after losing 93-61

"We're like Tim Duncan and David Robinson. But a younger version. I really feel that."

— Charlie Villanueva about himself and Chris Bosh

"They told me if we built a new practice facility we'd attract all the top players in the game."

— Donald Sterling

"When I started, I thought I was going to be with one team."

— Jim Jackson after tying the NBA's record for most teams

"Just underneath the ground.....BAM. Carrots. Albuquerque."

— Delonte West describing a typical day for Bugs Bunny

"Kenyon Martin is the second-best player in the Eastern Conference."

— Bill Walton

"He is.............................a lunatic."

— Adonal Foyle about Gilbert Arenas

"Maybe he wasn't hugged enough as a kid."

— Kobe Bryant about Raja Bell

"Sam's gangster."

— Primoz Brezec about his then-head coach, Sam Mitchell

"We could use a little more strength at the five position, the four position and shooting and point guard position."

— Danny Ainge

"Tyson Chandler! Eating rim in Toronto!"

— Chuck Swirsky

"He's got the contract, and I don't like to waste money."

— Former Kings owner Jim Thomas on why he wouldn't fire former coach Garry St Jean.

"It's not going to be peaches and gravy all the time."

— Brad Miller trying to explain away inconsistency

"I'm the first player in history that doesn't want to play defense and still gets in foul trouble."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"Turkey is a great city."

— Rudy Gay, twice

"Play some Picasso."

— Former Net Chris Morris to a restaurant piano player, trying to impress a date

"We're shooting 100% - 60% from the field and 40% from the free-throw line."

— Norm Stewart

"Twenty years from now, you're gonna see me, right, in a drop top Hummer. Butt naked, with some ankle socks on. And a headband. And some Chuck Taylor's. Butt naked."

— Delonte West

"I don't promote cursing, but it helps. I look at it like it's straight to the point. It's nothing that I'm proud of. If I could stop, I would. But **** it."

— Kevin Garnett

"In season, he's Doc, but during the off-season my name for him is The D-O-C."

— Kendrick Perkins about Doc Rivers

"That's like clubbing baby seals."

— Clyde Drexler describing Andres Nocioni's futile attempts to defend Yao Ming

"It's not a bad shot until you miss it."

— Jordan Crawford

"Every night, when you lay your head on your pillow, you say, 'Wow, I'm one of 300.' Of course, 50 of us are real bad."

— Scott Hastings

"...now quickly to the big guy...and now to the lefty....and he lost the ball but it's picked up in there...the little fella...oh boy, I'm having trouble with the names."

— Johnny Most

"I haven't disrespected him. Yet."

— Bryon Russell about Doug Collins

"Y’all know how we have dogs and stuff right? So I think it was bigger people in the world before us, and the dinosaurs was they pets."

— Jordan Clarkson

"You've gotta respect a 15% three-point shooter. A guy like that is always lethal."

— Evan Turner when asked about his own shot

"He's fat, lazy and selfish, but other than that, he's perfect."

— Unnamed Eastern Conference scout on Eddy Curry

"Except for offense, defense, rebounding, and turnovers, we had a good game."

— Bob Weiss

"Is there a better shot blocker than Vlade Divac?"

— Bill Walton

"I'm still looking pretty handsome, as you can see."

— Jae Crowder, after being elbowed

"There's not much to look forward to from here on out, so I'm trying to find Ashley Judd in the crowd. It beats the adult videos at the hotel."

— Rick Majerus while losing heavily

"My swag was phenomenal."

— Gilbert Arenas after a game winner

"In the playoffs, we all celebrities. It's great. I was a celebrity for 12 seconds tonight."

— Damon Jones

"Yell at him daily."

— Tom Thibodeau, when asked how he ensures an injured Zach LaVine still feels like a part of the team

"I didn't know he was the captain. But, since you said it, I really didn't notice it I guess."

— JaVale McGee when asked about John Wall's performance as captain

"Guys like him only come around once every ten years."

— Shaq about Kevin Love

"It would be hard for me not to improve your team."

— Yitzi Teichman, Make-a-Wish Foundation gift recipient, after signing with the Lakers for a day

"If you meet the Buddha in the lane, feed him the ball."

— Phil Jackson

"I think I'll get along real well with Brad. I can see us really going at it in practice every day, then going out and killing something to eat."

— Greg Ostertag about then-new team mate, Brad Miller

"You can bet the last thing Coach Bob McKinnon wants is a repeat of last Friday night's blow job."

— Bob Costas

"I'm one of those players who likes to take the last shot. Let's be honest, I like to take all the shots"

— Dan Issel

"I'm a competitor. That's what I do. It doesn't make sense for me to go over and shake somebody's hand."

— LeBron James

"He's really little. Like, really little. You guys don't understand how little he is. I hope he got into his car seat and buckled in tonight. If not, I think that's a ticket."

— Gilbert Arenas about Jameer Nelson

"I'd probably hire me."

— George Karl, on who he'd hire to replace him in Milwaukee

"He's going to own the game. Own the game. We're going to have to build a new arena."

— Pistons scout Will Robinson about Darko Milicic, before he was drafted

"I made the mistake of going out and drinking Budweiser with Larry Bird one night. I had to get carried back to the hotel."

— Charles Barkley

"That was just something I made up."

— Vernon Maxwell after taking two weeks off mid-season citing personal problems

"I think he should have got the surgery before at the beginning of the year instead of waiting."

— Shaquille O'Neal, on Phil Jackson's kidney stones

"He's one of the best power forwards of all-time. I take my hands off to him."

— Scottie Pippen about Tim Duncan

"I turn around and Pluto's no longer a planet. I'm going to elbow that guy in the nose."

— Ron Artest

"I'd never buy my girl a watch. She's already got a clock over the stove."

— Charles Barkley

"I think Sammy enjoys his summers."

— Andre Iguodala when asked if Sam Dalembert is dedicated to basketball

"Maybe I'll buy a chocolate factory."

— Andrei Kirilenko

"I keep asking to be invited to the dance tryouts but no one ever allows me there. I'll just say this: My general philosophy is that you can teach them to dance."

— Daryl Morey

"I've always said Jeff Green is going to be one of the best players to ever play this game."

— Kevin Garnett

"I thank my teammates for letting their men blow by them."

— Alonzo Mourning after winning the DPOY award

"I don't hate anyone, at least not for more than 48 minutes, barring overtime."

— Charles Barkley

"I'm trying Jennifer"

— C.J. McCollum

"I just don't want the day to come where I pick up that paper and it says he shot someone, or that he was shot. Every day that goes by that I don't see that, I feel good."

— Moe Smedley, Zach Randolph's high school coach

"You can't kill a G. Bugs Bunny is a G."

— Delonte West

"Patrick Ewing used to be much better in every aspect of the game."

— Bill Walton

"LeBron stays humble by just being LeBron."

— LeBron James while still in high school

"I felt like we wanted it. We just wanted to come together collectively. Play hard, do it together. I’m definitely too sexy for my cat, definitely, we know that. I’m also too tough to let a meniscus surgery keep me out for six weeks"

— Metta World Peace

Yinka Dare: "Jayson, what does the "C" on Christian Laettner's jersey stand for?" Jayson Williams: "Yinka, what do you think the "C" stands for?" Yinka Dare: "Caucasian?"

— Yinka Dare and Jayson Williams

"Looking back, there may have been a few things I would have done differently."

— Rob Babcock reflecting on his Raptors days.

"Once or twice a year after shoot-around on the road we will empty the entire ball rack by either throwing or punting each ball into the stands, then make the rookies climb the steps all around the arena to get each ball. I’m not sure why, but I really like doing that."

— Nick Collison

"When [Jalen Rose] comes over here, I'm going to give him a kiss. Not on his lips, though."

— Rafer Alston

"We padded that. We actually had about 60 people there."

— Dick Motta after a Chicago game had an announced attendance of 891

"We're going to be in bed with each other. It's like a marriage."

— Stephon Marbury about himself and Jamal Crawford

"When Primoz [Brezec] first came to the US, he learned his English. I don't know the words, but let's just say everything starts with gangster and ends with pimp."

— Sam Mitchell

"I've been traveling the world picking up new moves, kind of like David Carradine walking the earth in 'Kung Fu' though I hope things turn out a little better for me than they did for him."

— Robin Lopez

"I'm startin 2 give my left hand more responsibilities, brushing my teeth, wipin myself, all in the effort 2 b a better ball player."

— Mike James (in an email to a reporter)

"It wasn't a big deal, like somebody asking me to go fishing."

— Greg Ostertag after donating a kidney to his sister

"Flawless. Llike Yosemite Falls coming right through the rim."

— Bill Walton about Ray Allen's jumpshot

"When I hit it I heard the crowd going crazy and I was like, 'Wow, that was a sweet jumper, they must have liked that one. I had no clue."

— Matt Harpring, after hitting a jumper that gave Mark Jackson his 10,000th career assist

"Piatkowski is killing Szczerbiak....Oh, what a Scrabble game that would be!"

— Bill Walton

"On our team, we got a lot of young guys and they always want to poke at you and tickle you and stuff, and I really hate that."

— Eddy Curry

"How the hell can I make my teammates better by practicing?"

— Allen Iverson

"I think I need botox on just one of my cheek bones. The other one, I want it to hang low."

— Ron Artest

"Ever watch an All-Star Game? It's God awful. Everybody gets the ball, goes 1-on-1 and plays no defense. That's us."

— Mike D'Antoni

"Hey kids. Do drugs."

— Scot Pollard

"He's a very attractive man. He'll be instructing you as to how to look at him, and the different angles of how good he looks, on a daily basis."

— Scot Pollard about Peja Stojakovic

"I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING' WINS ONE."

— Dan Gilbert, in Comic Sans

"You know, one day when little Nathan grows up, I hope that his dreams come true and he can be just like me."

— Steve Novak about Nate Robinson

"in college, your per-diem is only about $5 so you end up eating McDonalds most of the time, but in the NBA the per-diem is like $100, so you can go someplace fancy, like Red Lobster."

— Popeye Jones

"Here was a physically mature man-child with the feet, touch and timing of a young Hakeem Olajuwon. All [DeSagana] Diop needs is time."

— Skip Bayless in 2001

"Either I've grown, or these are women's shoes. I don't know. Maybe they think I play like a girl."

— Scott Brooks

"I ain't no GM. Ask Kobe. He's the GM. It's his team. Go ask him."

— Chucky Atkins

"Obviously a lot more women would be into the game."

— Evan Turner, when asked if he'd like to be the NBA logo

"Jesus was hated, too."

— Evan Turner

"Any other incisive, deep questions that make my mind go vertiginous? None of you even know what that means."

— Gregg Popovich

"I'm too white trash for the Lakers."

— Paul Shirley

"I've had to overcome a lot of diversity."

— Drew Gooden

"We're going to be exciting. Of course, it was exciting when the Titanic went down."

— Bob Weiss about the 1992 Atlanta Hawks

"Sometimes you're like, 'Man they must have a cheat code or something.'"

— Emeka Okafor after losing

"We have to play like we like each other."

— Dwight Howard

"Danny Ferry is just a tremendous player."

— Bill Walton

"I’m way closer to LeBron than you are to me."

— Brian Scalabrine

"I take my hat off to myself for dealing with all this stuff."

— Carmelo Anthony during trade rumours

"Last season, we thought we could beat you. This season, we're going to strap it on."

— Stan Kroenke

"You ever wash your sheets and then when you go out, you hang them out and when the sun dries them you smell your sheets? That's what Shaq is."

— Kevin Garnett

"When in doubt, shoot. That's how I look at it."

— Stephon Marbury

"I won't call myself a soft teddy bear because it might mess up my image, but I am a great guy."

— Kendrick Perkins

"Greg Ostertag is one of the top centres on this planet."

— Bill Walton

"Was it for [Richard] Jefferson?"

— Jalen Rose after hearing Vince Carter was traded to New Jersey

"[After a block,] Biyombo told me, 'This is my house.' I told him, 'You have seven wins. It's everybody's house.'"

— Rudy Gay

"A LeBron James team is never desperate."

— LeBron James

"Last year it was Abe Pollin's widow and this year it was a 14-year-old boy and the only thing we have in common is we have both been bar mitzvahed. We were done."

— David Kahn on why he didn't win the lottery

"Shut up, you little Smurf."

— Gary Payton to Sidney Lowe

"Violence is never the answer, but sometimes it is."

— Matt Barnes

"He's even more mellow than me if that's possible."

— Tim Duncan on Kawhi Leonard

"I really don't even care. I hope they lose every game the rest of the season."

— Paul Pierce when asked about Miami's winning streak

"Well, he's a good player for Minnesota."

— Gary Payton when asked about Serbia, confusing it for Wally Szczerbiak

"I didn't even know Elvis was from Memphis. I thought he was from Tennessee."

— Drew Gooden

"You can't have everything."

— J.R. Smith, commenting on LeBron's receding hairline

"I don't know what life is like, I don't know how regular people live. I just can never understand it. My first job was the NBA."

— Tracy McGrady

There’s a lot of women here. I’m going to try to throw that fishing pole out there and see what I can get.

— Gilbert Arenas on his NBA.com blog

"The Washington Wizards are trying to make the playoffs. It's pretty much the same thing."

— Tyronn Lue on the war in Iraq

"Charles [Barkley] and I have no-trade clauses. His is written in. Mine....well, nobody wants to trade for me."

— Joe Kleine

"There are two ways to argue with a woman, and neither of them work."

— Carlos Boozer's reasoning for cancelling an interview because his wife wanted him to go home

"I want them to at least name the rule after me."

— Stan Van Gundy after the NBA outlawed mock turtlenecks

"Jerry Krause must have pictures of his boss's wife having sex with a monkey."

— Charles Barkley

"I don't want to go 'Ring - CHASING', as I call it, you know. Going to a team that's already pretty established and trying to win a ring with them. I want to stay with the Cavs and build a champion."

— LeBron James

"Just give every coach the same amount of money and tell them they can keep what's left over."

— Abe Lemons on how to stop illegal recruiting

"E.T.."

— Rondae Hollis-Jefferson, asked about his favorite Star Wars character

"I might win MVP or try to go for Sixth Man of the Year or Most Improved or Defensive Player of the Year. I got robbed last year."

— Nick Young on his goals for the 2014-15 season

"I look at the NBA, which I've watched for four decades, and I say this now with Ben Simmons, 'Hey LeBron, we are good, bro. You can go."

— Colin Cowherd

"It's like hopping out of the shower without a towel, running into a meat freezer and staying there for about 10-15 minutes, and running back out."

— Kevin Garnett on what it's like to be an All-Star

"I don't think Ron [Artest] had ever meditated before he came here. And if he did, it wasn't with 12 or 13 other guys."

— Lamar Odom

"I just think [Jesus] is really brilliant, that you lose your teeth when you're a baby rather than you lose them when you're, like, 30 or 20. That has nothing to do with your question, but that was definitely on my mind."

— Metta World Peace

"All the guys in the locker room will give me a hard time and call me Robin Thicke or call me Justin Bieber. I take it as a compliment."

— Chandler Parsons

"I thought we were up."

— J.R. Smith after Game 1 of the 2018 NBA Finals

"Who the hell is Casey Jacobsen? Tell him to show up at the airport and he can carry my bags."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"I really sat down and envisioned life after basketball. I really saw myself not playing."

— Mo Williams after LeBron James left Cleveland

"Purchase them at the ticket office or flirt with someone who works at the Garden and finesse your way to courtside."

— Evan Turner on how to get good tickets

"I couldn't decide between the windmill or the 360. I ended up going with the one-handed power slam."

— Matt Bonner after a rare dunk

"Who cares about Thanksgiving, as long as you've got Julia Stiles."

— Steve Martin, Bobcats play-by-play announcer

"If they want to turn me into the Jordan crying face, it's fine."

— C.J. McCollum

"People think this is tough. I ain't gonna tell 'em any different."

— Doug Moe

"I've won Player of the Month before. They don't ever give me anything for it. A new car, something, a plaque"

— Paul Pierce

"I'm an optometrist. I always believe in good."

— Mychal Thompson

"Of all the players I've coached in my career, Mark Titus is one of them."

— Thad Matta

"Honestly, not to like go too deep into it or be a hipster about it, but if you’re gonna be nice to me one day a year, my life sucks."

— Evan Turner about birthdays

"Half Man, Half Sit-Out-The-Season."

— Charles Barkley on Vince Carter

"Big boys don't cry. But, if you're going to do it, do it in the toilet where no one can see."

— Phil Jackson

"Maybe I'm just always thinking."

— Troy Hudson, on why he rarely talks

"I must be doing something right."

— Stephen Jackson's response to making Forbes's all-overpaid list

"I'm like a superhero. Call me Basketball Man."

— LeBron James while still in high school

"The average fan doesn't study the draft and players like we do."

— Rob Babcock

"I don't need too much. Glamour and all that stuff don't excite me."

— LeBron James

"I'm not trying to get into any Cheerio commercials, or Coca-Cola commercials. I want to do a commercial in the hood."

— Ron Artest

"He's not bad."

— Ron Artest on Carmelo Anthony

"Cause we're old as s***."

— Kobe Bryant when asked why his Lakers were struggling

"I'm the only person ever with a rat tail and a NBA championship. Let that sink in."

— JaVale McGee

"The AI offense...get the ball to AI and clear out."

— Kevin Ollie, on the offense they ran when he was playing in Philly

"It's the kind of game that makes you go home and beat your wife."

— Charles Barkley

"He's not nice. I talk a lot of trash out there, but c'mon, be a little sensitive. Be sweet."

— Joakim Noah about Kevin Garnett

"I'm not going to argue with you, Ernie. I'll hit you in the left eye."

— Charles Barkley to Ernie Johnson

"It's not up to me. It's up to the organization to say that they want to match that ridiculous contract."

— Carmelo Anthony about Jeremy Lin

"I started despising him. We sat down a lot, but it always ended up being him talking and me listening."

— Ray Allen on George Karl

"I don't think he watches tape. I think he plays video games and I think he could possibly have an Atari. He should upgrade to a PlayStation."

— Ron Artest about Javale McGee

"You like it? You think Cleveland's cool? I never heard anybody say I'm going to Cleveland on vacation. What's so good about Cleveland?"

— Joakim Noah

"Man I can’t remember all the clubs we went to."

— Shaq after a basketball trip to Greece was asked if he visited the Parthenon

"I've been doing yoga, a new form called gyrotonics. I'll let you look it up. You know me, I'm advanced."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"I want to put points on your face."

— Rudy Fernandez to Pau Gasol

"Wow, all that money and he dresses like Craig Sager."

— Charles Barkley on Mark Cuban

"This is my first summer [with] no trouble. I ain't go to jail for speeding. Didn't go to jail for DUI. I didn't break my foot. I didn't break my other foot. I'm one step ahead of the game already."

— Kwame Brown

"When I'm not playing, I like to work on my game and look fly for the honeys."

— Julius Hodge

"I make teams win."

— Scot Pollard

"No autopsy, no foul."

— Stewart Granger, former Villanova and Cavaliers guard

"I didn't go to college. I don't know how to read."

— Kobe Bryant

"It's nice just to play against [Michael Jordan]. Sometimes you get your picture in the paper."

— Eddie Johnson

"It's just the same as school, just without all the adult supervision and everyone needing to know where I'm going every five minutes."

— Dorell Wright about the NBA

"We can't go out there with our heads up our anuses thinking that we have every game won."

— Julius Hodge

"Rook, I am the best shooter in the league. In the league, understand? And you're up here trying to tell me something?"

— Larry Bird to Reggie Miller, as Reggie tried to distract Bird between free throws

"After the album comes out I'm going to make sure all of my time is focused on winning a championship."

— Ron Artest

"Damn Shaq, you make me sound like Sydney Poitier"

— Charles Barkley

"Sometimes you're the pigeon, and sometimes you're the statue."

— Bernie Bickerstaff

"He has been unbelievable and milking him has been a beautiful thing."

— Steve Nash about Kobe Bryant

"Getting elbows in the face, I've missed that."

— Elton Brand, after Melvin Ely busted his lip in his first practice back from injury

"I'm just what America needs - another unemployed black man."

— Charles Barkley after retiring

"There will always be haters, that’s just the way it is. Hating dudes marry hating women and have hating ass kids."

— Evan Turner

"We try to treat the road like it's a home game. We ain't got no fans at home, neither."

— Dion Glover in his Hawks days

"You want me to take the time to count 'em?"

— Jalen Rose when asked how many of his Raptors teammates were question marks

"Hold on a second, I broke my butt cheek."

— Kevin Love to a referee

"It was 201 years ago today, Beethoven's Symphony No. 3 in E-flat, which escorted in the age of Romanticism in music. And when I think of Boris Diaw, I think of Beethoven and the age of the Romantics."

— Bill Walton

"He just stands there, but it's effective."

— Ray Allen on Shawn Bradley's defense

"That's like asking a guy getting a divorce, 'Who did your wife just bone?'"

— Chris Webber to reporters asking him badly timed questions

"There are only two plays that I know; "Romeo and Juliet," and put the damn ball in the basket."

— Abe Lemons

"It was a different sexual situation going on in the '80s and '90s, and I did a very poor job of describing that."

— Wilt Chamberlain

"If I could look into the future, I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you doorknobs. I'd be out investing in the stock market."

— Kevin McHale

"I heard Tonya Harding is calling herself the Charles Barkley of figure skating. I was going to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character."

— Charles Barkley

"Not enough brain cells for that one, brother. I just stand there."

— Steven Adams, asked about his rebounding technique

"Loose ball foul on whatever the hell his name is."

— Joey Crawford calling a foul on Stojko Vrankovic

"I used to have at least a five-inch vertical, but over the years, it's dropped. It's now down to two or three inches."

— Mark Pope

Isiah Thomas: "I've got some bad news. We're trading you to Phoenix." Antonio McDyess: "What's the bad news?"

— Isiah Thomas and Antonio McDyess

"If I had known it was such a big deal, I would have averaged a triple-double for my entire career."

— Oscar Robertson

"Tom."

— Tom Nissalke, coach of the 1966 Houston Rockets, when asked how he pronounced his name

"I don't want to say we're dysfunctional. But we need to be more functional."

— Kirk Snyder

"I'm not sure if I was their first choice or not. But I'm not sure I was my wife's first choice, either."

— Mark Fox, Georgia coach

"He hits like my grandma."

— Eduardo Najera about Kevin Garnett

"I do things that are much more complicated than rebounds and defense."

— Andrea Bargnani

"I made it in my head a long time ago."

— Chris Bosh when asked about his chances of making the All-Star team

"I feel like Bill Walton - old and sh***y."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"I will find the referees, murder them and then [expletive] their daughters."

— Darko Milicic

"Star Spangled Banner, I listen to it 82 times every year."

— Yao Ming, when asked about his favourite American song

"I’ll always remember this as the night that Michael Jordan and I combined to score 70 points."

— Stacey King after Jordan scored 69

"Early in the game we were careless with the ball, but towards the end of the game we started......ummmm.....being........well, not careless, I guess."

— Julius Hodge

"Tracy McGrady is doing things we've never seen from anybody - from any planet."

— Bill Walton

"A thing of beauty! Einstein, Da Vinci, Jobs! And now Tyreke Evans!"

— Bill Walton

"Chris Broussard: "Paul, did you call 'bank'?" Paul Pierce: "I called game.""

— Chris Broussard and Paul Pierce

"I just hate that I still get pimples."

— Anderson Varejao

"Can you openly admit that you know the Earth is constitutionally round? Like, you know that for sure? Like, I don't know."

— Kyrie Irving

"That's a cheap shot by a low-class type player. You don't do that. That's gay on his part. I told him that he was gay, too, for touching me in my private parts."

— Francisco Elson about Kevin Garnett

"Was there a lockout? I don't know, I wasn't even watching the news."

— Stephen Jackson

"Have you ever seen Gollum, John Clayton and Sam Cassell in the same place before?"

— Charles Barkley on the 2005 Clippers

"The groupie level is always there."

— Lamar Odom

"I didn't play a single minute in the whole joint. So I'm not in any rush to get that ring."

— Eddy Curry about his championship ring

"Yesterday we celebrated Sir Isaac Newton's discovery of gravity. Today, Fabricio Oberto is defying it."

— Bill Walton

"I'm always trying to see what the joke is, so I miss the play that's called and I've got to ask a teammate."

— Joe Johnson talking about his team's mascot

"To hang out in a gay bar or put on a sequined halter top makes me feel like a total person."

— Dennis Rodman

"A computer geek trapped in an athlete's body."

— Chris Bosh describing himself

"Male fashion model."

— Marcus Banks, when asked by Daryl Morey what he really wanted to be in life

"I'm not going hunting with anyone who plays the same position as me."

— Derrick Coleman about Jayson Williams, long before Williams's murder trial

"Karl Malone has spent more time in a gym, than Corey Maggette has been alive."

— Bill Walton

"I been on the toilet all night, my butt crack feels like it has sun burn."

— Evan Turner

"San Diego is beautiful. And the people are beautiful. Everything's beautiful. Even the bums are beautiful. When they panhandle, they hold out a piece of Tiffany glassware for donations."

— Rick Majerus

"The only difference between a good shot and a bad shot is if it goes in or not."

— Charles Barkley

"He's not 20 years old. No way. I'm going to have to see a birth certificate or something."

— Antawn Jamison on LeBron James

"I possess the unique ability to slip into a coma at any moment’s notice."

— Robin Lopez

"The sky is not the limit, it's the air with clouds in it."

— Tyrus Thomas

"Colonel Sanders is the greatest white man that ever lived."

— Charles Barkley

"This will be in the past, like a ponytail."

— Klay Thompson

"This is an unbelievable venture for myself. This is great, also for the kids."

— LeBron James after donating to a Boys And Girls club

"They don't let many black people in the governor's mansion in Alabama, unless they're cleaning."

— Charles Barkley

"If I'm the best rookie in the league, then this league is s**t."

— Jorge Garbajosa after winning Rookie Of The Month

"Because they don't have fours."

— Antoine Walker when asked why he shot so many threes

"Pardon me. I just got finished putting this penguin in a head lock. He kept making weird duck sounding noises."

— Ron Artest

"I cherished getting kicked out of school. It was a great thing. I became a millionaire."

— Jason Williams

"I got two words for you; Steve Nash and Chris Paul, must see TV,"

— Charles Barkley

"I shoot from wherever God tells me to."

— Marcus Fizer

"I think they started three white guys. Three American white guys at that. I am pretty sure there is a rule against that somewhere."

— Paul Shirley on Memphis

"I wanted to ask if he planned to expand NBA basketball to the moon."

— Yao Ming, on his meeting with David Stern

"We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads. Our heads weigh more."

— Vlade Divac

"He should move to Hawaii, lose a ton of weight and start all over… become a yoga master."

— Bill Walton about Greg Oden

"There are things you can't get in Vancouver, like Cap'n Crunch."

— Tony Massenburg on why he didn't like Vancouver

"We're the two best white shooters in the NBA."

— Gilbert Arenas about J.J. Redick and himself

"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

— Chuck Nevitt

"If all I'm remembered for is being a good basketball player, then I've done a bad job with the rest of my life."

— Isiah Thomas

"Raef Lafrentz and Shawn Bradley should start considering new careers."

— Bill Walton

"I wanted it to be all about me."

— LeBron James talking about "The Decision"

"It was unanimous. 1-0, and I won."

— David Stern when asked whether the vote to suspend Ron Artest for the season was unanimous

"Hey AC. If God's so good, why didn't he give you a ****ing jump shot?"

— Charles Barkley to A.C. Green

"Pimping ain't easy, pimping ain't dead. Hos are just scared."

— Charles Oakley

"You can't teach the beast. It's either in you or it isn't. You can't just go to the store and buy a six-pack of beast."

— Kevin Garnett

"I want to milk that cow as much as possible. That’s a real good form of milk."

— Jabari Parker about Giannis Antetokounmpo

"It's always frustrating when you get down 40 points."

— Nazr Mohammed

"I'd like to be a candidate to date Cindy Crawford. Do you see that woman right there? She and I are candidates to be married."

— Rick Majerus

"I don't even understand the word happy. Happy is a stupid word. It really is. It makes no sense."

— Gregg Popovich

"I had to smell his breath for alcohol. I checked his office for drugs. I said, ‘You’ve gotta be high.’ You know what I’m saying?"

— Evan Turner after Brad Stevens benched him

"Maybe if you earn less than $8 million, you'll get a scholarship from the commissioner."

— David Stern's answer to Marcus Camby's request for a clothing stipend

"You have to forgive people at some point. I believe that. We built Richard Nixon a library."

— Doc Rivers

"Finally, a chance to recreate the last few seasons of my career: sitting down."

— Blake Griffin, launching his podcast

"I've won Player of the Month before. They don't ever give me anything for it. A new car, something, a plaque."

— Paul Pierce

"I remember draft night, I shook David Stern's hand while rocking a red suit with white pinstripes and red gators. I've always been a trendsetter."

— Jalen Rose

"That's a trick question. The U.S. does not have a capital."

— Elton Brand after being asked the capital of the USA

"He'll land some good middle-school job; you've got to start somewhere."

— Charles Oakley after the Bulls fired Tim Floyd

"I know there is someone, somewhere, trying to take my spot. And I know where he is too. He's in Oklahoma."

— LeBron James

"I may not be a class act, but I'm an American."

— Ron Artest, campaigning for a spot on the Olympic team

"Mandarin is gonna be the language in 15 to 20 years."

— Stephon Marbury

"When you have a bad game here or there, you've had three bad games in a seven-year career, then it's easy to point that out."

— LeBron James

"To be honest, I would put myself in the same category as D-Wade. At the end of the day, the only thing he have that I don’t have is, you know, more wins and two championships."

— Monta Ellis

"I just didn't see how me practicing hard was going to take my talent to another level."

— Tracy McGrady

"It's brilliant that you lose your baby teeth when you're a baby, rather than lose them when you're like 30 or 20. That has nothing to do with your question, but that was definitely on my mind."

— Ron Artest

"Who wants to sex Mutombo?"

— Dikembe Mutombo walking into a party at college

"The only thing he used to be able to do when I first got here was the Christmas videos."

— Dwyane Wade about Eric Spoelstra

"We're just playing basketball. It's not like we're going out to have unprotected sex with Magic."

— Charles Barkley

"Vowels and consonants ain't all they're cracked up to be."

— Josh Howard

"In retrospect, it's OK today. Every now and then you've got to eat a turd sandwich."

— Shane Battier on being benched

"I'm telling you, Darko [Milicic] is a Serbian gangster. Darko's got some bodies back there. He can go psycho on guys."

— Rasheed Wallace

"He's very white swan. I need him to be more black swan."

— Kobe Bryant about Pau Gasol

"I feel like a mosquito in a nudist colony. I know what to do. I just don't know where to start."

— Pat Riley when his Heat were on an 11-game losing streak

"Nothing wrong with wanting to go home."

— Stephon Marbury

This man wore a leather hat to Vegas. You don’t wear leather bucket hats in Vegas.

— Gilbert Arenas about his dad

"I earn my money. Why don't you try it?"

— Gary Neal to Larry Sanders

"I've never taken medication [to control my moods] in my life. Doctors have suggested it and I say, 'OK, give it to me.' But I throw it in the garbage immediately."

— Ron Artest

"He's the best Valentine I've ever had."

— Chandler Parsons about Jeremy Lin

"I was really pushing for something interesting, like chronic dandruff."

— Mark Pope, on being placed on Denver's injured list with tendonitis

"Me and JJ, we're like brothers. Even though I stay out in the sun more than he does."

— Mickael Pietrus about himself and J.J. Redick

"I just play with whatever they [give me.] If we are gonna play with a sock, then we play with a sock."

— Delonte West

"The only time your hips should touch another person is when you are having sex."

— John Salley

"It's good to cry. Never keep it bottled up. Then it either explodes like soda or comes out in the form of gas. You want tears or a fart?"

— Ron Artest

"I want to thank my teammates for allowing their men to get to the basket again, forcing me to block shots and pick up fouls, and sometimes technical fouls."

— Dwight Howard

"Like I told the guys earlier, once he turns 21 and is able to drink, it's over."

— Jalen Rose after LeBron scored 56 on him

"Anytime you bring Michael Olowokandi on to your team, disaster is soon to follow."

— Bill Walton

"Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win."

— Doug Collins

"I'm one of the best shooters in the league and I know that for a fact."

— Marcus Morris

"I have a '27 years without getting arrested' streak, so I wanna keep that up. Maybe texting people back quicker. Stop lying about not seeing people’s text messages. That would help."

— Evan Turner when asked about New Year's Resolutions.

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"

— Leon Wood to Steve Albert

"VIKING LOVE!!!"

— Steve Nash shouting nonsense in a pre-game huddle

"It's kinda hard being this fly man. But, it's easy at the same time."

— Nick Young

"He's actually about 6'11 but because God chose not to give him a neck he only measures about 6'9."

— Phil Jackson about Zach Randolph

"When I think about playoffs, my nipples get hard."

— Enes Kanter

"When you are 60, hang out with 60-year-olds, not 20-year-olds. That is all I got to say about Jerry Buss."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"If I was a Caesar salad, the croutons would be my friends, the lettuce would be my family and the dressing would be my mom."

— Kevin Garnett

"Just another day in the life of the Red Mamba."

— Matt Bonner after blocking four shots in a game

"Not a big deal other than the throngs of women that are gonna be screaming my name when they see me."

— Shane Battier about sleeved jerseys

"It's not about the money. It's about the stuff that you can buy with the money."

— Kevin Garnett

"I'm in favor of it as long as it's multiple choice."

— Kurt Rambis about drug testing

"Why did you have to dunk on me so hard?"

— Maciej Lampe to Jarvis Hayes

"I'm a big fan of the Nobel Peace Prize."

— Ron Artest after his 67 game suspension

"What's better? Dogs or broomsticks? I mean, will the world ever really know?"

— Larry Bird

"He's everywhere! Rebounds, assists... Shawn Bradley is looking like Hakeem Olajuwon!"

— Bill Walton

"I'm cleaner than Pine-Sol."

— Reggie Evans after taking a drugs test

"Him not being here is going to be tough for me. I don't know what I'm going to wake up for."

— Steve Francis after Cuttino Mobley was traded away

"I hopped out of my car with my gun. I had a gun license at the time so it was all good. People think I was shooting up the place willy-nilly, but my gun was registered."

— Stephen Jackson

"I wear women's leggings under my clothes, but no lingerie."

— Dennis Rodman

"I'm a huge cribbage and corduroy enthusiast."

— Matt Bonner

"It will make me look sexier at the beach."

— Julius Hodge on gaining 15lbs of muscle

"I leave a presence when I walk off."

— Nick Young

"What a pathetic play from a pathetic human being."

— Bill Walton about Larry Johnson

"I feel good to be back to my non-athletic self."

— Shane Battier

"The only man who can stop Cliff Robinson is Cliff Robinson. The man is unstoppable even at 38."

— Bill Walton

"Guys were talking about hunting, but I'm a city kid. I don't hunt. I don't like to kill things, but I know what it feels like to be hunted. I'm from the 'hood."

— Cuttino Mobley

"Great, we'll have to put that on the scouting report.

— Matt Bonner after Kobe scored 81 on his team

"We couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle."

— Rick Carlisle

"I don't wear pantyhose."

— Marcus Camby

"In the top story of the day, I've been traded to Portland."

— Kiki Vanderweghe, who worked an offseason job as a local news reporter

"We played the whole 42 minutes or whatever it is."

— Zach Randolph

"I never knew that I could have a redneck as a best friend."

— Joakim Noah about Brad Miller

"Ball don't lie."

— Rasheed Wallace

Jim Valvano: "Can you give me a T for what I'm thinking?" Ref: "No." Valvano: "Good. In that case, I think you suck."

— Jim Valvano

"Some guys smoke. Some guys drink. Some guys chase women. I'm a big barbecue sauce guy."

— Rick Majerus

"If he dies, he dies."

— Timofey Mozgov after Kevin Love sustaned an eye injury

"Bitch, you better learn to play the three."

— Andre Barrett to Justin Reed

"You suck."

— Raja Bell to Sasha Vujacic

"If they're scoring, keep feeding them. If they're missing, then I'll do me. That's talent. I'm multitalented. Like Bo Jackson."

— Gilbert Arenas

"Two or three years from now you'll look back and think: How could Jordan have not taken [DeSagana] Diop #1?"

— Skip Bayless in 2001

"What comes out of the microwave hot doesn't always stay hot. I know, because I eat bagels in the morning."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"I don't see it happening unless every NBA player is given a stipend to buy clothes."

— Marcus Camby before the dress code was brought in

"I don't want to shoot my mouth in the foot, but those are games we can win."

— Sherman Douglas

"If you couldn't shoot, there would be no reason for you to be alive."

— Charles Barkley to Steve Kerr

"I don't have to shoot from more than two feet. I'm top 50. I've got 23,000 from where I shoot."

— Shaq after Danny Fortson challenged him to take more jumpshots.

"He looks twelve years old. Especially when he's in a suit."

— Walt Clyde Frazier about Nate Robinson

"Outside of LeBron James and Dwyane Wade, we're more talented than them."

— Joe Johnson

"That's almost like communism. That's like Castro."

— Kevin Garnett after the 2006 tightening of the technical foul rules

"It was almost like a rat (peeing) on cotton."

— Reggie Miller after a big three-pointer

"When I hit that fan, I definitely enjoyed it."

— Stephen Jackson

"Once he goes against the men, they're going to beat his butt and make him cry."

— Charley Rosen about LeBron James

"Every player in our league is underpaid. When Kevin Garnett was making $28 million, he was underpaid."

— Sam Cassell

"We have a great bunch of outside shooters. Unfortunately, all our games are played indoors."

— Weldon Drew

"I don't think it's too likely, because I'm not a very good basketball player."

— Mark Pope on his chances of making the team

"The best [LeBron] James can ever be is an average NBA player."

— Charley Rosen

"He took this matchup with Korver pretty seriously. White America!"

— Joakim Noah about Mike Dunleavy Jr

"I have been very intentional in distancing myself from anything that would jeopardize my personal and professional relationships."

— Zach Randolph

"I haven't seen a big man pass like him [Darko Milicic]. He really does pass like Vlade."

— David Kahn

"That's not bling! These are angel wings around my neck!"

— Stephon Marbury

"It helps that he's single with no kids. He just packs up his one bag, his Segway, and goes to the next city."

— Nazr Mohammed explaining how Boris Diaw deals with being traded

"I definitely want to thank my doctor, my psychiatrist, she really helped me relax a lot."

— Ron Artest in the seconds immediately following his first championship win.

"Name twelve players better than me."

— Jalen Rose, about if he should make the 2002 All Star team

“I got to be honest with you, when he stepped onto the court, this dude is huge. I just realized that I’ve got to go home and eat like five chickens and put a lot of weight on. It’s going to take a couple months, but seriously."

— Marcin Gortat about Shaq

"There's nothing he can do about it now except to make sure that he is aware of where his weapons are."

— Nate McMillan, after Sebastian Telfair was charged with carrying a concealed weapon

"I kinda knew Cleveland was going to get the #1 pick. I think they rigged it. Don't quote me on that, though."

— Carmelo Anthony

"I'm often mentioned in the same sentence as Michael Jordan. You know, 'That Scott Hastings, he's no Michael Jordan.'"

— Scott Hastings

"Viper. I like Boa constrictor, too. But viper is the best meat I've ever had. It tastes like fish and chicken combined. It's very good."

— Luc Mbah A Moute, when asked to name his favourite food.

"He's white, so probably, yes."

— Metta World Peace, asked if Steve Nash is the smartest Laker

"You know, the one who doesn't take risks, he doesn't get to drink champagne."

— Timofey Mozgov

"I contacted the Clippers about medical coverage and they said [prostate cancer] surgery wouldn't be covered. [T]hey said if they did it for one person, they'd have to do for everybody else."

— Kim Hughes, former coach

"Wikipedia asking for donations... Might have to do it. Wouldn't have gotten thru high school without it. Definitely not Duke."

— Justise Winslow

"With me and Z [Ilgauskas], we're the best center ever created. Better than Bill Walton. Not better than Mr. Russell, but he's different. But better than anybody."

— Shaquille O'Neal

"It would be almost physically impossible for it to go up."

— Stan Van Gundy when asked about his trying to lose weight

"If Anthony Johnson ever gets a jumper, who's going to stop him?"

— Bill Walton

"My hair is a representation of the struggle we've had."

— DeAndre Jordan

"Hermaphrodites are people with male and female gena- um, genitalia."

— Emeka Okafor on a training camp documentary

"I want him to play like Bill Russell but I don't think he knows who Bill Russell is."

— Larry Brown on Darko Milicic

"I can be bought. If they paid me enough, I'd work for the Klan."

— Charles Barkley

"Light travels faster than sound, so some people appear to be bright until you hear them speak."

— Brian Williams/Bison Dele about Isiah Thomas

"Don't ask for my autograph. Ask me about the rage inside me."

— Dennis Scott to the kids at a coaching camp

"I spent money, I slept with women around the league, but I always kept my mind on the game."

— Dennis Rodman

"There's something odd about going up to Michael Jordan and slipping him $16 a day."

— Terry Francona, Jordan's manager during his minor league baseball career

"I love In-N-Out. It's addicting. It's the only reason I'm here in L.A. If it wasn't for In-N-Out Burger, I probably would've gone to Memphis or something."

— Ron Artest

"A man has to know his limitations and I don't have any."

— Former NBA player Edgar Jones

"In my prime I could have handled Michael Jordan. Of course, he would be only 12 years old."

— Jerry Sloan

"We want to win big games, but we don't play well. We're soft. We play like we have skirts on."

— Scott Skiles

"Roses are red ... violets are blue ... if you look at another girl ... I will beat you."

— Doug Christie's wife Jackie

"The best thing you could say about Charlie Ward is at least he wasn't Chris Childs."

— Bill Walton

"Dan is the countryest guy in L.A. We all make fun of him. Sometimes he doesn't even know what he's talking about; he's just talking."

— Chris Duhon about Dan D'Antoni

"Osama shouldve hooped instead of tryna kill ppl cause he tall as hell"

— Terry Rozier

"You miss 100% of the shots you take."

— Mike James, managing to make a bad quote worse

"We play basket-ball, not rebound-ball."

— Andrea Bargnani

"I didn't hear him. I wasn't going to listen to him anyways."

— Steve Nash after taking a quick shot Mike D'Antoni didn't want

I’m kind of sad he won’t pay up. I’m taking him to People’s Court.

— Gilbert Arenas about some prop bet money Shaq owed him

"I'm like, 'I don't miss.' That's my new name - ''I.D.M.' Call me 'I.D.M.'"

— Nick Young

"I thought LeBron James was just going to be another addition to help me score."

— Ricky Davis

"He can't get depressed, he plays for the Knicks."

— Charles Barkley on Nate Robinson's dunk contest misses

"Eddie Griffin has put up the two worst shots in the history of the Rockets franchise here tonight."

— Bill Walton

John Saunders: "What advice would you give to Luke [Walton] to have a successful NBA career?" Bill Walton: "Pass it to Shaq."

— John Saunders and Bill Walton

"I'm always powder-fresh during the games. I'm sure my opponents love that."

— DeAndre Jordan

"We're going to start asking people to go to bars and do some stuff. A little street cred would help us."

— Gregg Popovich

"It will all be Boooooooooooz to me."

— Carlos Boozer about being booed

"I'm telling you what it is: I know I'm the best point guard in the NBA. I don't need anybody else to tell me that."

— Stephon Marbury, a while ago

"He's white normally, but he's really white now."

— Larry Brown on Keith Van Horn being sick

"I started wearing glasses last season but they're only for basketball games and dirty movies."

— Rick Majerus

"Men lie women lie BUCKETS DNT"

— Dion Waiters

"The only thing Christian Laettner has in common with Larry Bird is they both pee standing up."

— Charles Barkley

"81 points, and he'll be done, what, the first week of May?"

— Scottie Pippen about Kobe Bryant

"I make love to pressure."

— Stephen Jackson

"If he grew some hair, it wouldn't hurt so much."

— Doc Rivers after Kevin Garnett bumped his head

""I was proud of DeShawn and I would have knocked him down harder."

— Jerry Sloan on DeShawn Stevenson fouling Ricky Davis after he shot at the wrong basket attempting to get a triple-double

"A lot more people are going to go to heaven than before. Because we were lying."

— Gregg Popovich about the injured list being abandoned

"I get buckets, son."

— Oleksiy Pecherov

"I left the Forum and drove off in my Rolls that night thinking one thought - that [Paul] Westhead must die."

— Spencer Haywood, reflecting on the day he hired the Mafia to put a hit on his head coach

"We don't pray after a game. That's too late."

— Abe Lemons

"You know you haven't been home a lot when your dog barks at you."

— Zydrunas Ilgauskas

"I didn't think he had it in him."

— Tracy McGrady, speaking about his dog after it bit a repairman's nose off

"You can't even jump high enough to touch the rim, unless they put a Big Mac on it."

— Charles Barkley to Oliver Miller

"As long as I play ball, I can get any woman I want."

— Dennis Rodman

"I'm pimptastic."

— Ed Davis

"To finally get to experience the second round, it feels great."

— Tracy McGrady as his Magic team went 3-1 up in the first round; they lost 4-3

"They should have focused more on me."

— Sebastian Telfair's opinion of a documentary about Sebastian Telfair

"I see you in the club."

— Yao Ming to Ron Artest at a press conference

"I think I did very well against everyone who tried to defend me."

— Kareem Abdul-Jabbar

"Punjabi! As Peja drills it!"

— Matt Devlin slightly misfiring on Mr Stojakovic's name. (Note: awkward silences left out for space reasons.)

"Eddie House's kid is funny as hell."

— Stephon Marbury

"All I wanted to do was not get dunked on. Well, that lasted about three seconds."

— Nate Huffman on facing Shaq for the first time

Greg Gumbel: "Happy St Patrick's Day!" Charles Barkley: "Great. Another reason for the Irish to go out and drink."

— Greg Gumbel and Charles Barkley

"So, which one of you guys is going to come in second?"

— Larry Bird before the Three-Point Contest; he won

"Scarlett johanneson, I will drink ur bath water"

— Kevin Durant on Twitter

"I anticipate saving a lot of money going forward."

— Mark Cuban after David Stern announced his retirement

"I probably shouldn’t make any plans for All-Star Weekend now."

— Evan Turner after a 360 dunk

"I needed a rest anyway."

— Andrew Bogut after getting ejected from a summer league game

"It was like my best friend in America."

— Andris Biedrins after crashing his Porsche

"There's only one person who's scarier than him, and that's God."

— George Hill about LeBron

"If the NBA were on Channel 5 and a bunch of frogs making love were on Channel 4, I'd watch the frogs."

— Bob Knight

"He would drive people insane and then just walk away. He was like

— Chuck Daly on Bill Laimbeer

"ANYTHING IS POSSIBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

— Kevin Garnett

"John Stockton is one of the true marvels, not just of basketball, or in America, but in the history of Western civilization."

— Bill Walton

"I don't care if James Naismith was guarding me, which would be scary because he's dead."

— Rudy Gay