The 2014 Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Bracket, Elite Eight
March 31st, 2014

[Previously: First round, second round, sweet sixteen.] Due to an administrative error whereby I accidentally set the Sweet Sixteen polls to run for a week longer than they were supposed to, the 2014 Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Tournament is still going on, having lost all its previous momentum. Nevertheless, we are down to the Elite Eight. Here are the matchups! (Click here for full size version) As always, these names are completely genuine. If you don’t believe it, Google it. THE “WHAT THE HELL?” REGIONAL (1) Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims v (3) Typhoon Dusk Nurse Journeys so far: (1) Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims First round: Won 359-40 v (16) Indiana Faithfull Second round: Won 125-39 v (8) God’sgift Achiuwa Sweet Sixteen: Won 85-37 v (5) Solomon HorseChief The Chief has not even flinched in his run to the Elite Eight thus far, not even batting an eyelid in the expected-classic Chief v HorseChief Sweet Sixteen matchup he ultimately won comfortably. This is a shame for Solomon HorseChief fans everywhere, including myself, and frankly I’m starting to wish I had fixed it. (3) Typhoon Dusk Nurse First round: Won 257-83 v (14) Drake U’u Second round: Won 118-33 v (6) D’Awvalo Turnipseed Sweet Sixteen: Won 77-39 v (7) Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje Boumtje-Boumtje was something of a people’s favourite, yet he was no match for TDN, one of three remaining non-US competitors. Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims or Typhoon Dusk Nurse? THE “SURNAMES THAT HAD NO CHANCE AT LIFE” REGIONAL (1) Steeve Ho You Fat v (10) Stanley Titsworth Journeys so far: (1) Steeve Ho You Fat First round: Won 289-51 v (16) Jose Antonio Alcoholado Second round: Won 121-32 v (8) Gregor Fucka Sweet Sixteen: Won 83-22 v (5) Lior Lipshits Ho You Fat is this bracket’s equivalent of Florida. Indisputably a number one, and performing […]

Posted by at 7:58 PM

Kings to sign Chris Johnson
March 26th, 2014

Tomorrow, the Sacramento Kings will sign former LSU Celtics, Blazers, Hornets and Timberwolves big man Chris Johnson. It is not known at this time whether it will be for the remainder of the season, multiple seasons, or a 10 day deal. Johnson has spent this season in China, averaging 20.0 points, 11.2 rebounds and 2.0 blocks in 29 games for Zhejiang Guangsha Lions. The 28 year old is known for his length, athleticism and shot-blocking. With a roster spot already open after the waiving of Jimmer Fredette, and with Orlando Johnson’s 10 day contract having expired, Sacramento has only 14 players under contract and will not need to make a move to accommodate Johnson. EDIT, THE FOLLOWING DAY – Johnson’s signing was cancelled the following day for unknown reasons. The Kings signed Willie Reed instead.

Posted by at 12:06 AM

The 2014 Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Bracket, Sweet Sixteen
March 19th, 2014

The results are in from the second round, and so it’s Sweet 16 time! (Click here for full size version) THE “WHAT THE HELL?” REGIONAL (1) Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims v (5) Solomon HorseChief: Vote wisely. Vote HorseChief. Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims or Solomon HorseChief? (3) Typhoon Dusk Nurse v (7) Ruben Boumtje Boumtje: Should Nurse lose points on account of his decision to mostly go by “Ty Nurse”, instead of the full glory that is his name? And with that in mind, does Ruben earn points for embracing the double boom? Typhoon Dusk Nurse or Ruben Boumtje Boumtje? THE “SURNAMES THAT HAD NO CHANCE AT LIFE” REGIONAL (1) Steeve Ho You Fat v (5) Lior Lipshits: Ho You Fat seems unassaible here…… Steeve Ho You Fat or Lior Lipshits? (6) Moran Shitrit v (10) Stanley Titsworth: …..and if someone is going to upset Steeve in this regional, it might have to be the upstart Titsworth, who I underseeded on account of other’s stark insistence that it wasn’t funny, despite knowing full well that it was. Moran Shitrit or Stanley Titsworth? THE “BRILLIANT FIRST NAME CHOICES” REGIONAL (1) Justin-in’Love Smith v (12) Semen Antonov: Big battle here between Love and Semen, a choice no one should ever have to face. Justin-in’Love Smith or Semen Antonov? (3) Spongy Benjamin v (10) Scientific Mapp: Confession time – Mapp nearly didn’t make the bracket at all. Consider it a lesson learned. Spongy Benjamin or Scientific Mapp? THE “COMPOUNDING THE PROBLEM” REGIONAL (1) Gang Wang v (5) Chubby Cox: Again, a choice no one should ever have to face. Gang Wang or Chubby Cox? (3) Karolina Puss v (2) Ebenezer Noonoo: If you were at any point wondering what Noonoo has gotten up to in his professional life since the collegiate playing days from whence his […]

Posted by at 10:00 PM

The 2014 Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Bracket, Second Round
March 12th, 2014

The results are in from the first round, and there were upsets. It’s almost like a proper bracket. (Click here for full size version) In accordance with prophecy, the number one seeds made it through unscathed, Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims and Steeve Ho You Fat putting up dominating performances in securing 85%+ of the votes in their matchups. However, the same can not be said of the #2 seeds, where a 2 v 15 upset went down. It was nearly two – in the Compounding The Problem Regional, the underseeded and underrated Staats Battle almost overcame B.J. Banjo, leading for much of the way before a late rally saw Banjo win in a captivating 50%/49% split of the vote (no word on where the missing percent went), while Galal Cancer comfortably handed it to fellow number #2 seed Patrick Willybiro, a name that Americans presumably do not see the funny side of due to transatlantic slang differences, in the What The Hell? Regional. If transatlantic humour divides lead to upsets, this might be a good thing. With the exception of the Compounding The Problem Regional, where all top eight seeds made it through, there were upsets all throughout the bracket. There were four in the Brilliant First Name Choices Regional alone, not least of which was the comprehensive win of Semen Antonov over Jordair Jett, a man seeded as high as he was due only to the internet’s insistence that his name was really, really great. Once again, then, it is proven that people love Semen. SirValiant Brown was similarly comprehensive in his 4 v 13 upset of the always overrated Deuce Bello, whose close association to a man called Bummy was rightly not overvalued by the voters. And in what to many was the choice tie of the first round, […]

Posted by at 9:23 PM

The 2014 Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Bracket
March 5th, 2014

[Voting is now over. Go to ROUND TWO.] In compiling a scouting database, hopefully to be launched in June time, I have spent a lot of time rooting through rosters of basketball teams all around the globe. And while this website and the subsequent database are to be completely serious – this website is one man’s CV, after all – I would be lying if I denied that all this trawling had uncovered some awesome player names along the way, Funny names are funny, and the idea of bracketing a bunch of them is not new. The Name of the Year competition started back in 1983, before the author of this bracket was even a sperm, and that baton has been passed to new ownership, who last year awarded Leo Moses Spornstarr the 2013 winner of the world’s ultimate accolade. Inspired by, and in homage to, this decades long legacy of doing God’s work, there hereby follows the first definitely-not-going-to-be-annual Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Tournament Bracket, featuring basketball players of different sizes and calibre, of players both current and retired, male and female, and professional and amateur, from all around the globe. (Click here for full size version) As can be seen above, the bracket accords with the March Madness tournament bracket style, except arguably with less arbitrary divisions for the regionals. Things of note: * No consideration is given to a player’s current status. Some are long since retired, and some never even went pro. Yet it matters not – if you were a basketball player to an organised standard (e.g. college, its equivalents, and above), whose existence, career and name can be found, you count. * All names are verifiably true via other internet resources, and links to such are given where necessary. In one instance, there exists […]

Posted by at 6:56 PM