The 2014 Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Bracket, Elite Eight
March 31st, 2014

[Previously: First round, second round, sweet sixteen.]

Due to an administrative error whereby I accidentally set the Sweet Sixteen polls to run for a week longer than they were supposed to, the 2014 Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Tournament is still going on, having lost all its previous momentum. Nevertheless, we are down to the Elite Eight. Here are the matchups!

(Click here for full size version)

As always, these names are completely genuine. If you don’t believe it, Google it.


(1) Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims v (3) Typhoon Dusk Nurse

Journeys so far:

(1) Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims

First round: Won 359-40 v (16) Indiana Faithfull
Second round: Won 125-39 v (8) God’sgift Achiuwa
Sweet Sixteen: Won 85-37 v (5) Solomon HorseChief

The Chief has not even flinched in his run to the Elite Eight thus far, not even batting an eyelid in the expected-classic Chief v HorseChief Sweet Sixteen matchup he ultimately won comfortably. This is a shame for Solomon HorseChief fans everywhere, including myself, and frankly I’m starting to wish I had fixed it.

(3) Typhoon Dusk Nurse

First round: Won 257-83 v (14) Drake U’u
Second round: Won 118-33 v (6) D’Awvalo Turnipseed
Sweet Sixteen: Won 77-39 v (7) Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje

Boumtje-Boumtje was something of a people’s favourite, yet he was no match for TDN, one of three remaining non-US competitors.

Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims or Typhoon Dusk Nurse?


(1) Steeve Ho You Fat v (10) Stanley Titsworth

Journeys so far:

(1) Steeve Ho You Fat

First round: Won 289-51 v (16) Jose Antonio Alcoholado
Second round: Won 121-32 v (8) Gregor Fucka
Sweet Sixteen: Won 83-22 v (5) Lior Lipshits

Ho You Fat is this bracket’s equivalent of Florida. Indisputably a number one, and performing like it. Not only is she a ho, but she is fat. With this two pronged insult spread over three words, and some bonus [sic] action in the forename, Steeve Ho You Fat has the most balanced attack in the tournament.

(10) Stanley Titsworth

First round: Won 235-82 v (7) Kara Bonenberger
Second round: Won 91-54 v (2) Chris Porn
Sweet Sixteen: Won 70-32 v (6) Moran Shitrit

Titsworth’s Cinderella run, one of two number ten seeds to make the Elite Eight, is similarly multi-faceted. Not only does the always pleasing Stanley set up the perfect mammary pay-off, but he also sounds like a 1950’s cricketer.

Steeve Ho You Fat or Stanley Titsworth?


(1) Justin-in’Love Smith v (10) Scientific Mapp

Journeys so far:

(1) Just’in-Love Smith

First round: Won 236-82 v (16) Austen Powers
Second round: Won 78-55 v (9) Fabulous Flournoy
Sweet Sixteen: Won 63-39 v (12) Semen Antonov

All four number one seeds have made it through unscathed, yet Smith has had the most uncertain run thus far, barely surviving last flourishes by both Fabulous and Semen. Incidentally, I did a quick Google, and that’s the first time that sentence has been said in human history.

(10) Scientific Mapp

First round: Won 178-134 v (7) God Shammgod
Second round: Won 107-37 v (2) B.J. Banjo
Sweet Sixteen: Won 65-35 v (3) Spongy Benjamin

Mapp has triumped over the toughest run anyone has faced thus far, and has retro chic on his side. The upset potential here is genuine.

Justin-in’Love Smith or Scientific Mapp?


(1) Gang Wang v (2) Ebenezer Noonoo

Journeys so far:

(1) Gang Wang

First round: Won 237-59 v (16) Storm Clonch
Second round: Won 104-41 v (8) Hunter Dick
Sweet Sixteen: Won 59-39 v (5) Chubby Cox

The winner of back to back penis matchups, Gang Wang is the people’s phallic champion, and yet now he must go up against his logical nemesis – a noonoo.

(2) Ebenezer Noonoo

First round: Won 220-67 v (15) Randy Duck
Second round: Won 79-66 v (7) Dick Packer
Sweet Sixteen: 57-43 v (3) Karolina Puss

Noonoo has had to come back in two matchups thus far, yet this level of resilience and sticktoitiveness is the hallmark of a future champion.

Gang Wang or Ebenezer Noonoo?

VOTE NOW! Polling closes in 49 hours. Really, this time.

Posted by at 7:58 PM