The results are in from the first round, and there were upsets. It’s almost like a proper bracket.
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In accordance with prophecy, the number one seeds made it through unscathed, Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims and Steeve Ho You Fat putting up dominating performances in securing 85%+ of the votes in their matchups. However, the same can not be said of the #2 seeds, where a 2 v 15 upset went down. It was nearly two – in the Compounding The Problem Regional, the underseeded and underrated Staats Battle almost overcame B.J. Banjo, leading for much of the way before a late rally saw Banjo win in a captivating 50%/49% split of the vote (no word on where the missing percent went), while Galal Cancer comfortably handed it to fellow number #2 seed Patrick Willybiro, a name that Americans presumably do not see the funny side of due to transatlantic slang differences, in the What The Hell? Regional. If transatlantic humour divides lead to upsets, this might be a good thing.
With the exception of the Compounding The Problem Regional, where all top eight seeds made it through, there were upsets all throughout the bracket. There were four in the Brilliant First Name Choices Regional alone, not least of which was the comprehensive win of Semen Antonov over Jordair Jett, a man seeded as high as he was due only to the internet’s insistence that his name was really, really great. Once again, then, it is proven that people love Semen. SirValiant Brown was similarly comprehensive in his 4 v 13 upset of the always overrated Deuce Bello, whose close association to a man called Bummy was rightly not overvalued by the voters. And in what to many was the choice tie of the first round, the immortal God Shammgod was beaten by a dogged and determined Scientific Mapp, who would have taken on the similarly upstart Battle were it not for the rousing late comeback by Banjo.
Some matchups oscillated quite significantly. For example, Qavotstaraj Waddell made a late charge on D’Awvalo Turnipseed’s once unassailable lead and lost by only a mere handful of votes, while Cathy Cockrum – once down 70-30 in the vote – made a similarly late run and squeaked a tiny four-vote victory over the once dominant Brianne Boner. Between that battle, the aforementioned Battle/Banjo thriller, and the steady but compelling Fat Lever/Fabulous Flournoy matchup, three of the votes were decided by only five votes or less, which is pretty remarkable. Exree Hipp and Vonteego Cummings, meanwhile, shared a remarkably close vote for the first six days, often times separated by one or two votes only and at one point embroiled deeply in a tie, before a late surge for Vonteego, tallying about 50 extra votes in the final day, blew it open late. I hope somewhere a “Vote Vonteego” movement was created to make this happen. This would be a nice thing to have happen.
With the polls now closed, it’s time for more polls. Here are some more polls.
THE “WHAT THE HELL?” REGIONAL
(1) Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims v (8) God’sgift Achiuwa:
God’sgift started strong and ran well from inside position in his opening game, and has the religious vote on his side. Unfortunately for him, the Chief has the Indian vote, was dominant in the opening round, and has lived up to his preseason billing as a contender for the title. However, given the damage his presence is inflicting to the ability to fit the picture of this bracket on one page, I could do without him.
Not to influence the vote or anything, but if the higher seed wins both of these matchups, it’s a Chief v Chief in the Sweet 16. So, there’s that.
(6) D’Awvalo Turnipseed v (3) Typhoon Dusk Nurse:
Turnipseed survived a late surge from Qavotstaraj Waddell, but faces stiff competition from Nurse, for whom unrelenting absurdity is a potent weapon.
(7) Ruben Boumtje Boumtje v (15) Galal Cancer:
Most men would like to be known as Boom Boom. No man would like to be known as Mr Cancer. But remember, this is a battle of ridiculousness and awesomeness, not of desirability.
THE “SURNAMES THAT HAD NO CHANCE AT LIFE” REGIONAL
(1) Steeve Ho You Fat v (8) Gregor Fucka:
Two titans of the European ridiculous name game go head to head, one playing the timeless “there’s a swear word in my name” card, one opting for the “dual derogatory terms” approach.
(5) Lior Lipshits v (13) Cathy Cockrum:
This is back to back alliterative opponents for Cockrum, but having only a body part might struggle against the classic-body-part-plus-excrement-reference pincer movement Lior employs. Nevertheless, Cockrum has at least some the popular vote, even having a slogan now.
(6) Moran Shitrit v (3) Ghyslain Fanny:
If it helps, look up what “fanny” means in my country. It is not the same as in America.
(10) Stanley Titsworth v (2) Chris Porn:
Can you have a Titsworth of Porn? Probably. In fact, definitely.
THE “BRILLIANT FIRST NAME CHOICES” REGIONAL
(1) Just-in’Love Smith v (9) Fabulous Flournoy:
It counts heavily in Flournoy’s favour here that his name is not a nickname, but a given name. The upset possibility is on the cards, unless Smith changes his surname to Bagpuss or something, when it’s game over the other way.
(12) Semen Antonov v (13) SirValiant Brown:
A battle of two upsets here. But let’s not forget that the people love Semen.
(6) Dominitrix Johnson v (3) Spongy Benjamin:
A Google search to ascertain quite how the parents of these two arrived at the names that they did revealed nothing.
(10) Scientific Mapp v (2) B.J. Banjo:
With two huge scalps to their name in the forms of God Shammgod and the seemingly criminally underseeded #15 Staats Battle, this is probably the tie of the round. Incidentally, the fact that someone with Science in their name took on a man called God was completely accidental.
THE “COMPOUNDING THE PROBLEM” REGIONAL
(1) Gang Wang v (8) Hunter Dick:
A lot of penis stuff going on in this one.
(5) Chubby Cox v (4) Lady Comfort:
Some more penis stuff here, interspersed with some feminine hygiene. Something for everyone there.
(6) Cookie Belcher v (3) Karolina Puss:
Bit more femininity here. Also some belching.
(7) Dick Packer v (2) Ebenezer Noonoo:
A Karolina Puss v Ebenzer Noonoo matchup is on the cards here. Don’t let it down.