A Guide To NBA Player's Music
May 20th, 2011

For a variety of reasons, basketball and music seem to have always had crossover appeal. [Pun acknowledged, but not condoned.] Be it due to the intrinsically linked cultures of the music of the streets and the game on the playgrounds – a partnership which, if I was 10 years older, I would probably find it funny to call “hip hoops” – basketball players moving into musical side projects has become so prevalent that it’s now a cliché. Just as Common thinks he can pull off a decent replication of an extremely ball-dominant undersized scoring guard during each NBA All-Star Weekend, many ballers out there think they have rhythm. There have been dozens of these instances throughout history. The following list attempts to exhaustively cover them all, ranging from those who are actually quite good, to those that would have trouble rhyming “Mercedes” with “ladies”, even if they were run down by a Mercedes full of ladies, all of whom were waving rhyming dictionaries only containing the words “Mercedes” and “ladies.” The most recent addition to this list is also its first. Fresh from an underwhelming three month turf-toe laden stretch of play featuring lashings of the first half of his surname, Carlos Boozer made the news yesterday on account of his foray into the rap game, pairing up with Twista, Mario Winans and a truly terrible beat on the following song, “Winning Streak.” Why Boozer has chosen to rap about things such as “going hard,” “crossing over” and “going baseline,” things he doesn’t actually do on the basketball court, is not clear. Maybe he should have rapped about things he actually does, such as pushing players in the back as they drive unhindered to the basket, rotating the wrong way defensively, asking the ref for a touch of the ball […]

Posted by at 7:14 PM

LeBron Using The Word "Retarded" Was A Subnormally Birdbrained Thing To Do
May 9th, 2011

At a training seminar that I once attended, a portion of the afternoon was devoted to a discussion of bad words. In one of the hottest days on record, a dozen of us gathered in a cramped five foot tall training room, sat around an overhead projector and a laptop whose audio output was speculative at best, and then, via the medium of Powerpoint, ran through a list of words that were unacceptable to use in our workplace. None of which was patronising in any way. Of course, the reason for such a discussion was because of the line of work in question. We were attending said seminar as a mandatory part of our training to become support workers for the learning disabled. Inevitably, in that line of work, training for sensitivity towards the learning disabled is essential. We had to go. (You know, just so that we knew not to call them names. Just in case one of us was going to take the hitherto untested insult-comic approach to the job. Seemingly, companies must plan for that ridiculous eventuality.) It doesn’t take much guesswork to know that on that day, we learnt – or rather, were reminded – that use of the word “retarded” was not permitted. It wasn’t just not permitted in its more popular, irrelevant use as a generic word for “dumb” – it was also not permitted as a means to term, address or endear those that we would encounter in our work who were actually mentally retarded. The same was true of “demented,” which was not to be used to describe those with dementia, despite its obvious origins from doing so. Even when done with the best of intentions, these words was not to be used under any circumstances. And the reasons they were not […]

Posted by at 9:01 PM

A History Of Cheesy, Terrible And Sometimes Quite Good Commercials Featuring NBA Players
February 3rd, 2010

There follows a long list of cheesy and/or television commercials featuring NBA players. Some of which are quite good. Less talk, more cheesy commercials. 1) Tyler Hansbrough 2) Kevin Willis 3) Vince Carter 4) Doug Christie, Alvin Williams and Reggie Slater. 5) Chris Andersen 6) Chauncey B-B-B-B-B-B-Billups. (video removed by uploader)   7) Dikembe Mutombo 8) Dikembe Mutombo again 9) Vince Carter again 10) Bob Lanier (video removed by uploader)   11) David Robinson and Gary Payton (video removed by uploader)   12) Patrick Chewing (video removed by uploader)   13) David Lee 14) Keith Van Horn 15) Shaquille O’Neal, Stu Scott and Mike Breen 16) The Spurs and Knicks teams from what looks like 2000 or 2001 17) Magic Johnson (video removed by uploader)   18) A mute Larry Bird selling Chardon jeans 19) Tyler Hansbrough, again, finding puppies 20) The 1980something Celtics 21) Yet more Larry Bird fail (video removed by uploader)   22) Even more tremendous fail by Larry Bird 23) I haven’t finished laughing at Larry Bird yet 24) Patrick Ewing, Michael Jordan and Chris Mullin 25) One of many Michael Jordan ones 26) Bill Walton 27) The 1999-2000 Golden State Warriors, advertising……themselves. 28) Larry Johnson, obviously 29) Gheorghe Muresan 30) Kenny Anderson 31) Scottie Pippen (video removed by uploader)   32) Tayshaun Prince (Is it just me, or does he say “I can do that because I’m a pro; Wallside can do that because they’re defective”? Doesn’t sound like a glowing endorsement.) 33) Richard Hamilton 34) Ben Gordon making a better effort of it than Rip did 35) Chris Andersen again 36) Darryl Dawkins 37) Jalen Rose and Kenyon Martin 38) Larry Bird, Michael Jordan, and Michael Jordan’s shirt 39) More Bob Lanier, mad enough to dunk (video removed by uploader)   40) Greg Oden […]

Posted by at 3:17 AM

2009 NBA Training Camp predictions, revisited
October 29th, 2009

At the start of the month, over the course of three posts united by the overused theme of Alec Baldwin’s monologue from Glengarry Glen Ross, I attempted to analyse and predict the training camp rosters of every team in the NBA. For the hell of it, here’s the monologue again: Preseason is now over, and rosters have been set. Here are my predictions again, along with a depressing look at their whimpering inaccuracy and some half-baked excuses for my own failings as a person.   – Atlanta Hawks Signings: Juan Dixon, Othello Hunter, Mario West, Frank Robinson, Garrett Siler, Courtney Sims, Mike Wilks, Aaron Miles Predicted to make it: “Dixon, Wilks, Siler. Or any two from three.” Actually made it: Hunter only. Excuses: The Hawks needed an extra guard, hence why they signed four of them. So expecting them to sign at least one of them seemed logical; I guess they decided Dixon hasn’t enough left. As for the Siler/Sims thing, it never did make a whole lot of sense for the team with Randolph Morris at fourth string centre to be bringing in two more for training camp, but Siler and Sims represent two of the best American centre prospects not currently in the NBA, so I figured one of them had a chance. Guess not.   – Boston Celtics Signings: Lester Hudson, Michael Sweetney Predicted to make it: Hudson. Actually made it: Hudson. Excuses: Reports came out that stated that the Celtics really liked Sweetney, and tried to find a way to keep him on the roster, but they eventually decided that he wasn’t worth eating someone else’s guaranteed money for. And they’re probably right. If ever Sweetney gets it together, loses all the weight and finds a mentor that gets him to dedicate himself to the game, […]

Posted by at 9:42 PM

Kirk Hinrich’s Singing Voice
April 14th, 2009

od invented the internet so that we could feel more closely acquainted to professional athletes. It’s the reason they have online chats, it’s the reason they have their own websites, it’s the reason we try and become their Facebook friends, and it’s the reason that their team contractually obligates them to humiliate themselves for the sake of a few YouTube videos. For this, we must give our eternal thanks, because God never fails to satisfy us. And nor does Joakim Noah. During a Bulls game last week, a halftime segment aired that showed Noah, Derrick Rose, Tyrus Thomas and Luol Deng participating in a ‘Name That Tune’ style challenge. The four players paired up, and one player had to sing whatever tune was playing in his headphones, with the other player charged with guessing which song it was that they were butchering. The girl’s job was to guess which team won. The whole debacle was caught on camera. A closer inspection reveals that this isn’t the first Bulls players karaoke segment of the season. Three other officially licensed videos exist, showing the same players (as well as Kirk Hinrich, Aaron Gray, and the now-departed Drew Gooden and Thabo Sefolosha) taking part in a singalong to various TV theme tunes. The tunes range from seminal to forgettable, yet they are, to a man, bludgeoned. If anyone emerges from this with any pride, it might be Drew Gooden. Gooden – whom we already know to be always up for a tinkle – demonstrates, if nothing else, a semblance of a sense of rhythm, humility and personality, although he does appear to struggle with the difference between a saxophone and a piccolo. Hinrich continues his galvanising makeover from the shy and retiring elfin-like creature of his rookie year to the matured and forthcoming […]

Posted by at 10:11 AM

Sorry, Darius Miles
January 9th, 2009

Sports Illustrated: Blazers threaten to sue anyone who signs Darius Miles. “Team Presidents and General Managers, “The Portland Trail Blazers are aware that certain teams may be contemplating signing Darius Miles to a contract for the purpose of adversely impacting the Portland Trail Blazers Salary Cap and tax positions. Such conduct from a team would violate its fiduciary duty as an NBA joint venturer. In addition, persons or entities involved in such conduct may be individually liable to the Portland Trail Blazers for tortuously interfering with the Portland Trail Blazers’ contract rights and perspective economic opportunities. “Please be aware that if a team engages in such conduct, the Portland Trail Blazers will take all necessary steps to safeguard its rights, including, without limitation, litigation.” Now, I’m no lawyer, nor even a taxpaying member of the state. But if I understand anything, I understand this: The whole concept of doctors declaring when a player’s career is over due to injury is entirely speculative. It has to be, unless Nostradamus knows how to use a stethoscope. The doctors predicted Darius’s career would be over, but it wasn’t, and you can see that it wasn’t by the fact that he’s STILL PLAYING. Therefore, Portland’s whole claim of “his career is over, can we have our money back please?” is somewhat invalidated. And all this silly posturing helps nobody. As far I can tell, Portland has little, if any, legal footing. If Darius was out there in a wheelchair, or as a quadriplegic with a terminal case of lumbago, then they’d have a point. But he’s not. Darius is not the player that he once was, but he can take an NBA court on merit. Caught up in all this, though, is the most important point. Darius Miles never got much of a fair […]

Posted by at 5:51 PM

Joey Dorsey loses a game that he wasn’t in
July 23rd, 2008

Down one in the closing stages of a summer league game, new Washington Wizards guard Dee Brown fouls Uruguay’s finest, the insatiable Gustavo Barrera, sending him to the line. Barrera hits both foul shots, putting Houston up by three. Rockets forward Joey Dorsey – watching the game from the sidelines due to an ankle injury – briefly breaks away from his spontaneous “Who Can Wear The Worst Stripey Polo Shirt” competition with Rafer Alston, and decides to say something. The ref decides to T him up, demonstrating the elaborate technical foul calling technique that NBA scouts want to see from potential refs. Dorsey sulks. Nick Young hits the technical free throw, and the Wizards have the ball, down two. Andray Blatche, who has battled bravely against the desire to pass for a number of years now, throws up a bad three-pointer. It misses, but Brown tips it back in, and the game goes to overtime. The Wizards go on to win, and the Rockets don’t. Joey Dorsey therefore loses not only a game he wasn’t in, but also the polo shirt competition, as he has no answer for Rafer’s daring usage of deep red and sky blue on an otherwise predominantly white top. (Also notice – Vladimir Veremeenko. Hooray!) Here’s what I know about Joey Dorsey – he likes to talk. Admittedly I don’t know much about Joey Dorsey – when he made headlines for “announcing” that his college team mate Derrick Rose was not going to be drafted #1 by Chicago in a hilarious wind-up that everyone found hilarious, it took me two weeks to find out that Joey Dorsey was a player, and not an opportunist reporter. But still. I know he’s a bit of a mouth. Wikipedia agrees. During the 2007 NCAA Men’s Division I Basketball Tournament, […]

Posted by at 1:45 AM