The 2014 Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Bracket, CHAMPIONSHIP GAME
April 6th, 2014
[Previously: First round, second round, sweet sixteen, second round, elite eight, final four.] This is it, the final showdown. After a long, fiercely competitive, hit-count friendly month of titanic struggle and mesmering battle, we have eliminated 62 competitors in the first annual Ridiculous Basketball Player Names competition, and are down to the final pair. So established already are their names in basketball player folklore that it is beyond tricky to think of a single fresh and funny thing to say about them. And thus we need only provide their stories so far. (1) Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims First round: Won 359-40 v (16) Indiana Faithfull Second round: Won 125-39 v (8) God’sgift Achiuwa Sweet Sixteen: Won 85-37 v (5) Solomon HorseChief Elite Eight: Won 40-34 v (3) Typhoon Dusk Nurse Final Four: Won 38-24 v (1) Gang Wang (1) Steeve Ho You Fat First round: Won 289-51 v (16) Jose Antonio Alcoholado Second round: Won 121-32 v (8) Gregor Fucka Sweet Sixteen: Won 83-22 v (5) Lior Lipshits Elite Eight: Won 50-20 v (10) Stanley Titsworth Final Four: Won 39-28 v (10) Scientific Mapp We have made no effort to reach out to either player, and thus neither has any comment. Vote now. You have until the end of the actual national championship game. Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims or Steeve Ho You Fat?
The 2014 Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Bracket, Final Four
April 3rd, 2014
[Previously: First round, second round, sweet sixteen, second round, elite eight.] 60 down, four to go. (Click here for full size version) As always, these names are completely genuine. If you don’t believe it, Google it. (1) Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims v (1) Gang Wang Journeys so far: (1) Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims First round: Won 359-40 v (16) Indiana Faithfull Second round: Won 125-39 v (8) God’sgift Achiuwa Sweet Sixteen: Won 85-37 v (5) Solomon HorseChief Elite Eight: Won 40-34 v (3) Typhoon Dusk Nurse The previously unassailable Chief finally hit trouble in the form of Nurse. He won anyway, but the pre-tournament favourite is fallible. (1) Gang Wang First round: Won 237-59 v (16) Storm Clonch Second round: Won 104-41 v (8) Hunter Dick Sweet Sixteen: Won 59-39 v (5) Chubby Cox Elite Eight: Won 38-31 v (2) Ebenezer Noonoo Odd thing is, it’s not that uncommon of a name. Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims or Gang Wang? (1) Steeve Ho You Fat v (10) Scientific Mapp Journeys so far: (1) Steeve Ho You Fat First round: Won 289-51 v (16) Jose Antonio Alcoholado Second round: Won 121-32 v (8) Gregor Fucka Sweet Sixteen: Won 83-22 v (5) Lior Lipshits Elite Eight: Won 50-20 v (10) Stanley Titsworth Doubts as to the legitimacy of Steeve’s name continue to come in, despite him being a professional player in France for many years. Maybe this assuages it some. (10) Scientific Mapp First round: Won 178-134 v (7) God Shammgod Second round: Won 107-37 v (2) B.J. Banjo Sweet Sixteen: Won 65-35 v (3) Spongy Benjamin Elite Eight: Won 55-17 v (1) Just-in-Love Smith As the bracket’s creator, I take some pride in having had three number one seeds make the final four. That shows, I hope, a reasonable level of perception as to what […]
The 2014 Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Bracket, Elite Eight
March 31st, 2014
[Previously: First round, second round, sweet sixteen.] Due to an administrative error whereby I accidentally set the Sweet Sixteen polls to run for a week longer than they were supposed to, the 2014 Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Tournament is still going on, having lost all its previous momentum. Nevertheless, we are down to the Elite Eight. Here are the matchups! (Click here for full size version) As always, these names are completely genuine. If you don’t believe it, Google it. THE “WHAT THE HELL?” REGIONAL (1) Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims v (3) Typhoon Dusk Nurse Journeys so far: (1) Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims First round: Won 359-40 v (16) Indiana Faithfull Second round: Won 125-39 v (8) God’sgift Achiuwa Sweet Sixteen: Won 85-37 v (5) Solomon HorseChief The Chief has not even flinched in his run to the Elite Eight thus far, not even batting an eyelid in the expected-classic Chief v HorseChief Sweet Sixteen matchup he ultimately won comfortably. This is a shame for Solomon HorseChief fans everywhere, including myself, and frankly I’m starting to wish I had fixed it. (3) Typhoon Dusk Nurse First round: Won 257-83 v (14) Drake U’u Second round: Won 118-33 v (6) D’Awvalo Turnipseed Sweet Sixteen: Won 77-39 v (7) Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje Boumtje-Boumtje was something of a people’s favourite, yet he was no match for TDN, one of three remaining non-US competitors. Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims or Typhoon Dusk Nurse? THE “SURNAMES THAT HAD NO CHANCE AT LIFE” REGIONAL (1) Steeve Ho You Fat v (10) Stanley Titsworth Journeys so far: (1) Steeve Ho You Fat First round: Won 289-51 v (16) Jose Antonio Alcoholado Second round: Won 121-32 v (8) Gregor Fucka Sweet Sixteen: Won 83-22 v (5) Lior Lipshits Ho You Fat is this bracket’s equivalent of Florida. Indisputably a number one, and performing […]
Kings to sign Chris Johnson
March 26th, 2014
Tomorrow, the Sacramento Kings will sign former LSU Celtics, Blazers, Hornets and Timberwolves big man Chris Johnson. It is not known at this time whether it will be for the remainder of the season, multiple seasons, or a 10 day deal. Johnson has spent this season in China, averaging 20.0 points, 11.2 rebounds and 2.0 blocks in 29 games for Zhejiang Guangsha Lions. The 28 year old is known for his length, athleticism and shot-blocking. With a roster spot already open after the waiving of Jimmer Fredette, and with Orlando Johnson’s 10 day contract having expired, Sacramento has only 14 players under contract and will not need to make a move to accommodate Johnson. EDIT, THE FOLLOWING DAY – Johnson’s signing was cancelled the following day for unknown reasons. The Kings signed Willie Reed instead.
The 2014 Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Bracket, Sweet Sixteen
March 19th, 2014
The results are in from the second round, and so it’s Sweet 16 time! (Click here for full size version) THE “WHAT THE HELL?” REGIONAL (1) Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims v (5) Solomon HorseChief: Vote wisely. Vote HorseChief. Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims or Solomon HorseChief? (3) Typhoon Dusk Nurse v (7) Ruben Boumtje Boumtje: Should Nurse lose points on account of his decision to mostly go by “Ty Nurse”, instead of the full glory that is his name? And with that in mind, does Ruben earn points for embracing the double boom? Typhoon Dusk Nurse or Ruben Boumtje Boumtje? THE “SURNAMES THAT HAD NO CHANCE AT LIFE” REGIONAL (1) Steeve Ho You Fat v (5) Lior Lipshits: Ho You Fat seems unassaible here…… Steeve Ho You Fat or Lior Lipshits? (6) Moran Shitrit v (10) Stanley Titsworth: …..and if someone is going to upset Steeve in this regional, it might have to be the upstart Titsworth, who I underseeded on account of other’s stark insistence that it wasn’t funny, despite knowing full well that it was. Moran Shitrit or Stanley Titsworth? THE “BRILLIANT FIRST NAME CHOICES” REGIONAL (1) Justin-in’Love Smith v (12) Semen Antonov: Big battle here between Love and Semen, a choice no one should ever have to face. Justin-in’Love Smith or Semen Antonov? (3) Spongy Benjamin v (10) Scientific Mapp: Confession time – Mapp nearly didn’t make the bracket at all. Consider it a lesson learned. Spongy Benjamin or Scientific Mapp? THE “COMPOUNDING THE PROBLEM” REGIONAL (1) Gang Wang v (5) Chubby Cox: Again, a choice no one should ever have to face. Gang Wang or Chubby Cox? (3) Karolina Puss v (2) Ebenezer Noonoo: If you were at any point wondering what Noonoo has gotten up to in his professional life since the collegiate playing days from whence his […]
The 2014 Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Bracket, Second Round
March 12th, 2014
The results are in from the first round, and there were upsets. It’s almost like a proper bracket. (Click here for full size version) In accordance with prophecy, the number one seeds made it through unscathed, Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims and Steeve Ho You Fat putting up dominating performances in securing 85%+ of the votes in their matchups. However, the same can not be said of the #2 seeds, where a 2 v 15 upset went down. It was nearly two – in the Compounding The Problem Regional, the underseeded and underrated Staats Battle almost overcame B.J. Banjo, leading for much of the way before a late rally saw Banjo win in a captivating 50%/49% split of the vote (no word on where the missing percent went), while Galal Cancer comfortably handed it to fellow number #2 seed Patrick Willybiro, a name that Americans presumably do not see the funny side of due to transatlantic slang differences, in the What The Hell? Regional. If transatlantic humour divides lead to upsets, this might be a good thing. With the exception of the Compounding The Problem Regional, where all top eight seeds made it through, there were upsets all throughout the bracket. There were four in the Brilliant First Name Choices Regional alone, not least of which was the comprehensive win of Semen Antonov over Jordair Jett, a man seeded as high as he was due only to the internet’s insistence that his name was really, really great. Once again, then, it is proven that people love Semen. SirValiant Brown was similarly comprehensive in his 4 v 13 upset of the always overrated Deuce Bello, whose close association to a man called Bummy was rightly not overvalued by the voters. And in what to many was the choice tie of the first round, […]
The 2014 Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Bracket
March 5th, 2014
[Voting is now over. Go to ROUND TWO.] In compiling a scouting database, hopefully to be launched in June time, I have spent a lot of time rooting through rosters of basketball teams all around the globe. And while this website and the subsequent database are to be completely serious – this website is one man’s CV, after all – I would be lying if I denied that all this trawling had uncovered some awesome player names along the way, Funny names are funny, and the idea of bracketing a bunch of them is not new. The Name of the Year competition started back in 1983, before the author of this bracket was even a sperm, and that baton has been passed to new ownership, who last year awarded Leo Moses Spornstarr the 2013 winner of the world’s ultimate accolade. Inspired by, and in homage to, this decades long legacy of doing God’s work, there hereby follows the first definitely-not-going-to-be-annual Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Tournament Bracket, featuring basketball players of different sizes and calibre, of players both current and retired, male and female, and professional and amateur, from all around the globe. (Click here for full size version) As can be seen above, the bracket accords with the March Madness tournament bracket style, except arguably with less arbitrary divisions for the regionals. Things of note: * No consideration is given to a player’s current status. Some are long since retired, and some never even went pro. Yet it matters not – if you were a basketball player to an organised standard (e.g. college, its equivalents, and above), whose existence, career and name can be found, you count. * All names are verifiably true via other internet resources, and links to such are given where necessary. In one instance, there exists […]
The tax paid by title winners
February 28th, 2014
Previously. Previous to the previously. Subsequently: All right. Orange = title winners.
The same thing again if you take the Knicks out of it altogether
February 27th, 2014
The ten highest individual non-Knick team luxury tax payments of all time: 1) 2013/14 Brooklyn Nets: $89,582,458 (assuming that Jason Collins signs for the remainder of the season on 4th March, his first allowable opportunity) 2) 2002/03 Portland Trail Blazers: $51,971,000 (rounded only to the nearest $1,000) 3) 2012/13 L.A. Lakers: $29,259,739 4) 2003/04 Portland Trail Blazers: $28,846,436 5) 2003/04 Dallas Mavericks: $25,031,932 6) 2008/09 Dallas Mavericks: $23,611,661 7) 2009/10 L.A. Lakers: $21,430,778 8) 2010/11 Orlando Magic: $20,147,413 9) 2010/11 L.A. Lakers: $19,923,772 10) 2007/08 Dallas Mavericks: $19,613,295 The records of those respective teams: 1) 2013/14 Brooklyn Nets: 26-29 2) 2002/03 Portland Trail Blazers: 50-32 3) 2012/13 L.A. Lakers: 45-37 4) 2003/04 Portland Trail Blazers: 41-41 5) 2003/04 Dallas Mavericks: 52-30 6) 2008/09 Dallas Mavericks: 50-32 7) 2009/10 L.A. Lakers: 57-25 8) 2010/11 Orlando Magic: 37-29 9) 2010/11 L.A. Lakers: 57-25 10) 2007/08 Dallas Mavericks: 51-31 Total expenditure: $329,418,484 Total record: 466-311 Well so it does.
A short sharp examination of how paying luxury tax does not necessarily correlate with winning
February 27th, 2014
An important and unique feature of this website is the annual monitoring of every luxury tax dollar paid in NBA history. Using that data, here’s a short sharp hot sports take. The ten highest individual team luxury tax payments of all time: 1) 2013/14 Brooklyn Nets: $89,582,458 (assuming that Jason Collins signs for the remainder of the season on 4th March, his first allowable opportunity) 2) 2002/03 Portland Trail Blazers: $51,971,000 (rounded only to the nearest $1,000) 3) 2006/07 New York Knicks: $45,142,002 4) 2003/04 New York Knicks: $39,867,214 5) 2005/06 New York Knicks: $37,248,752 6) 2012/13 L.A. Lakers: $29,259,739 7) 2003/04 Portland Trail Blazers: $28,846,436 8) 2003/04 Dallas Mavericks: $25,031,932 9) 2002/03 New York Knicks: $24,371,000 (rounded only to the nearest $1,000) 10) 2008/09 New York Knicks: $23,736,207 The records of those respective teams: 1) 2013/14 Brooklyn Nets: 26-29 2) 2002/03 Portland Trail Blazers: 50-32 3) 2006/07 New York Knicks: 33-49 4) 2003/04 New York Knicks: 39-43 5) 2005/06 New York Knicks: 23-59 6) 2012/13 L.A. Lakers: 45-37 7) 2003/04 Portland Trail Blazers: 41-41 8) 2003/04 Dallas Mavericks: 52-30 9) 2002/03 New York Knicks: 37-45 10) 2008/09 New York Knicks: 32-50 Total expenditure: $395,056,740 Total record: 378-415
This post is no longer relevant.
February 20th, 2014
There follows a post that was in the process of being edited ready for posting on SBNation.com which talked about the Spencer Hawes to Cleveland deal and how it did – or rather, didn’t – affect the Sixers’s proximity to the salary cap floor. However, Adrian Wojnarowski’s latest tweet, which states that Danny Granger is to be traded to the Sixers, makes it irrelevant now. It is hereby posted here anyway on account of the fact that, one day, it might serve as a good point of reference for the minutiae described within. Much has been made of the Philadelphia 76ers’ payroll this year, or rather, the lack of it. It is so unique of a situation that it merits and attracts constant comment, something to which we have all been susceptible. I covered the situation a few months ago, trying above all to convey one important point: it doesn’t really matter. Five months on and it still doesn’t, mostly. However, in keeping with every CBA provision you have ever heard about, the idea of a minimum team salary is more complicated than it first appears. As of Wednesday morning, the Sixers had a 2013/14 team salary of $47,678,819, $11 million short of the salary cap, and slightly over $5 million short of $52,811,100, the amount equal to 90 percent of the salary cap that represents a team’s minimum payroll requirement. Media and fans alike have been wondering how Philadelphia intended to fill that void midseason, and with the reported trade of Spencer Hawes’s $6.6 million contract for Earl Clark’s $4.25 million one and two second-round picks, it seems that all the Sixers have actually done is get further away from it. However, the issue is clouded as ever by the unintentional confusion of language that so often accompanies […]
Bookkeeping the retired guys, 2014 edition
February 14th, 2014
In keeping with what is becoming an annual tradition, there follows a very, very lengthy look at all the retired players this site has, for whatever reason, kept tabs on before. (Some of them are a bit niche. But when you’re in, you’re in for life.) This list is mostly of recent NBA players and an update of the 2013 edition of the same list. The cut-offs are somewhat arbitrary, but they have to be somewhere. Most sites, when they charge themselves with the task of writing a “where are they now?” post about someone, don’t actually fulfill that mandate. Instead, they talk about “where have they been?” and give career retrospectives hitherto. And they’ll do so one person at a time. That is not the intent of this post. The intent of this post is, what do these people do with their lives now, and/or what is the last piece of news we have on them. It’s better this way. There’s quite a lot of there, so settle in. Tariq Abdul-Wahad – Varsity coach at Lincoln High School in San Jose. Shareef Abdur-Rahim – General manager of the Reno Bighorns. A.J. Abrams – Retired after last season and returned to Texas to complete his degree. Maurice Ager – Now a producer and rapper. Is “Grammy considered.” Cory Alexander – Colour analyst for Raycom Sports, the ACC Network and ESPNU. Also runs a basketball school in Richmond, Virginia. Courtney Alexander – Runs a not-for-profit foundation that recently resulted in a nasty looking lawsuit. Malik Allen – Has launched a sports-centric social networking site, inRecruit.com. Others on this list have tried analogous things, as will be seen. Evan Eschmeyer was one, but there are multiple others. None, I would say, have really worked out. So good luck to Malik. Morris Almond […]
How do you solve a problem like Taj Gibson? A follow-up.
February 9th, 2014
Despite it running in the initial instance with a rather significant error in it – I spent a lot of time breaking down how the Bulls had arrived at, and would extricate themselves from, a luxury tax position that they weren’t actually at – the previous post entitled How Do You Solve A Problem Like Taj Gibson? received a remarkably hearty welcome. So, thank you for that. However, as is always the way with pieces that deal with salary minutiae and machinations, and appraisals of team’s proximities to the salary cap and luxury tax thresholds, there has been some misunderstanding of what was said and meant. This considerably briefer follow-up will hopefully clarify these issues. 1) The fact that Taj Gibson has these unlikely bonuses that the Bulls may find necessary to alleviate via a trade does NOT mean that Taj will be the one traded. This seems to be a conclusion that a lot of readers have drawn, and it is one with which I couldn’t disagree more. Taj is neither the problem nor the solution here – indeed, there isn’t really a problem, and even if there was, it is one much more easily solved via trades of others. Mike Dunleavy Jr, say, or Kirk Hinrich. Or even Tornike Shengelia again. This is not to say that Taj cannot or will not be traded – he might. He is coveted and sought after, and competitively priced. However, if he is traded, this isn’t why. 2) I agree that the bonuses are not all that likely to be met, and particularly the all-defensive first team one. The Bulls presumably know that too. But they have to operate on the basis that it might, on the basis that it might. 3) The fact that the Bulls can pay the luxury […]
How do you solve a problem like Taj Gibson?
February 7th, 2014
Found this on the internet but couldn’t find anyone to credit, so…good work, random anonymous person. Taj Gibson is bloody excellent. Long noted for his technically precise interior defence, he has managed the rare feat of developing his offensive game to the point that he is a versatile and viable offensive weapon (he now hits the mid-range jumpers he has always taken, and damn near dream-shook Greg Stiemsma the other day) without losing any of his defensive intensity or effectiveness in the process. On a team more capable of creating high percentage looks for each other, he might even crack a 53% true shooting percentage. There is a reason Carlos Boozer just did something very out of character for his usually highly professional sense and complained publicly about regularly being benched in the fourth quarters – it is because he is regularly benched in the fourth quarters. Because by this time, Taj Gibson is comfortably better. “Power forward of the future” claims are a bit ambitious considering Gibson turns 29 in June and Nikola Mirotic is waiting in the wings, but he’s certainly the power forward of the now. However, as the Bulls have long since been aware of, the retention of talent costs money. Having retained everybody except Omer Asik and Kyle Korver, the Bulls still paid out so much that they went into the luxury tax last season, for the first time in their history, and were due to do so again this season before the Andrew Bynum and Luol Deng swap. That trade saw them pick up some future draft picks and squeak a few dollars under the luxury tax this season, and the subsequent trade of Marquis Teague opened up a little more wiggle room. Chicago nevertheless remain extremely close to the luxury tax. They are […]
2013/14 Luxury Tax Payers, as it stands at 11.52am GMT on 13th January 2014
January 13th, 2014
(click here for the Instant Gratification Version) Determining a team’s luxury tax number is not quite as simple as looking at their payroll and comparing it to the luxury tax threshold. This is about 98% of the job, of course, but there are a couple of other tweaks. For salary minutia fans like myself, these tweaks are important. The following list of adjustments is quoted from Larry Coon’s CBA FAQ, a page from which my entire career is sourced. 1) Cap holds and exceptions are ignored. 2) Any “unlikely bonuses” that were actually earned are added to the team salary. 3) Any “likely bonuses” that were not earned are subtracted from the team salary. 4) Any trade bonuses for players received in trade after the last regular season game are added to the team salary. 5) Any amounts from settlements of grievances are added to the team salary. 6) Players who signed as free agents (i.e., not draft picks) and make less than the two-year minimum salary are taxed at the minimum salary for a two-year veteran and not their actual salary. For minimum salary players whose salary is partially paid by the league only the amount paid by the team (the two-year minimum salary) is taxed. The salaries of players waived via the Amnesty provision are exempt from the luxury tax. A team’s luxury tax number is taken from the last day of the regular season, then adjusted for the above criteria. We of course aren’t at the last day of the regular season yet, hence the title of this post, so points 2, 3 and 4 can be ignored for now. (Bonuses are adjusted with hindsight. For now, we can only work with what we know.) Point number 1 means removing the cap holds and unused exceptions that […]
The Bulls should trade for Andrew Bynum
January 5th, 2014
This article was due to run on Monday on another site. However, it seems as though there can be no delay. Andrew Bynum’s time in Cleveland is all but over. After a poor first few months on the court, in which he has looked awful at times in trying to recover from serious knee problems, a recent suspension for off-court behaviour has seen him essentially placed on gardening leave, while Cleveland tries to find a new home for him and his contract. And they likely will. Cleveland signed Bynum for two reasons. Firstly, to potentially land themselves a quality player at a position of weakness – Bynum’s interior game on both ends once made him one of the best big men in the league, and based on age alone, he should still be short of his prime. And secondly, for the value – even at $24.6 million dollars over two years, Bynum nevertheless represented value if he didn’t work out on the court, based on the nature of his contract. Primarily, though, they wanted him to produce. Bynum, however, has not been able to produce. Save for a couple of strong outings, he has mostly looked like a shadow of his former self, still playing in severe pain and looking just as painful as he is said to be feeling. His inability to play through the kind of severe pain that would lead to most of us taking several months work has unfortunately led to ugly (and apparently open season) speculation about his ‘love’ of the game, for it is always easier to blame someone for things, yet whatever we think of Bynum’s commitment to the game, one thing seems apparent by this time – the former Andrew Bynum, the second best centre in the league, is not coming back. […]
