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Summer signings, round 21

noreply@blogger.com (Sham) — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 16:33:00 +0000

This edition of our fun and voluptuous Summer Signings is highlighted by the fact that there's almost no one in it that you've ever heard of. If all the players in this list get into 80 NBA games combined next season, I will be shocked. In fact, I'll be justifiably flummoxed if even three of them make a roster. It's a sparse'un this time. Onward.

- Casey Jacobsen has signed with ALBA Berlin in Germany. In a previous blog post, I asked semi-mockingly for someone to do some research into which players have been to the German league and still been able to come back to the NBA. Two people mentioned Jacobsen, who was the German league finals NBA in 2007 before spending last season on the bench for the Memphis Grizzlies. This moves completes the oft-fabled Grizzly German sandwich (giggidy), but it doesn't really undermine my insinuation that the German league is a bit shit, does it? Casey Jacobsen is all right, but a fringe NBA player. In between these two German stints, he scored 107 points on 115 shots in the NBA, as his jumpshot decided to take the year off. And now he's gone back to Germany where he'll probably star once again and become a champion of the serfs. What does this say about the German league? Basically nothing more than what I've already implied - it's a bit weak.

By the way, one of the two people who told me about C-Jake was an agent, who shall remain nameless. In Googling to see whether this nameless man is, or has even been, Casey Jacsobsen's agent, I found this search result:

"casey jacobsen girlfriend ipmessage lolita masturbation free pregnant women having sex"

So, something for everyone there.

- In a bizarre move, the likes of which have never previously been seen as interesting, the Suns and the Rockets swapped young guards D.J. Strawberry and Sean Singletary. This move is interesting (if you're a nerd) because it's a move that could save both teams money. The Rockets are trying to save money to be able to re-sign Carl Landry and Dikembe Mutombo without paying the lxury tax too much, if at all, and the Suns are trying to save money because they're the Suns. So in this deal, they may have both found what they were looking for. With the minimum of 13 players under contract one Goran Dragic officially signs his deal, the Suns depth chart is pretty much done, and Strawberry figured to be the last man on it again. However, as a second year player, he was to earn the minimum of $711,517, whereas a rookie on the minumum would earn only $442,114. Therefore, swapping Strawberry saves the Suns the difference between those two sums ($269,403), doubled for tax ($538,806), and yet they lose nothing on the court, because neither player is going to take it. (Note: Singletary's salary is only partially guaranteed, contrary to what it says elsewhere on this webshite, but he'll make the team anyway, because if he doesn't, they'll have to pay someone else as well.) The Rockets meanwhile take on the more expensive player, but Strawberry's contract is not guaranteed, and so they save the whole of Singletary's salary, while also losing nothing on the court. It's all very interesting stuff if you're the kind of person that will forego a social life and regular sex in order to reinvest that time into calculating Greg Buckner's trade kicker.

(Note: If the Rockets keep Strawberry, then forget I said anything.)

- Joe Crawford has signed with the Lakers for training camp where he can once again do what he did in summer league and outplay Coby Karl. While challening Tim Duncan to a fight.

- Kaniel Dickens has signed with Napoli, in Italy. See how obsure the list is this time around? Kaniel Dickens represents one of the bigger name players on it. At least he actually played in the NBA last year. That's more than what this next fella did.

- Mario Kasun and Barcelona have mutually agreed to terminate his contract. I don't know why, but we can speculate wildly. Maybe he doesn't think he was being paid enough. Maybe he wasn't getting enough minutes, in his own opinion. Or maybe he had a fight with Fran Vazquez. Actually, yeah, it's that.

- Orien Greene has signed for MyGuide Amsterdam. And, if anyone out there should need a guide to Amsterdam....start with the cafes, follow the stench of sex, and work backwards. Soon enough you'll find a 70 year old woman seated in a shop's front window dressed in nothing but stockings and a suspender belt, knitting. As national identities go, it certainly pisses our one of fish and chips, an arbitrary powerless monarchy and drizzle.

- Rod Benson has signed with SLUC Nancy in France. I don't know what the SLUC stands for, but if you change the last letter slightly and put it all in lower case while still suffixed with "Nancy", then it makes for quite a realistic soubriquet for the aforementioned 70 year old woman seated in a shop's front window dressed in nothing but stockings and a suspender belt, knitting.

- Sean Marks has signed for the New Orleans Hornets. How the hell does he do it? He's not a bad player by any means, but...well, he's never really done anything, has he? And yet he's now about to start the ninth year of his NBA career. 8 years, 127 games, 391 points, and still more offers of work. Just doesn't make sense. But fair play to him nonetheless.

- Memphis signed Hamed Haddadi, the only player in the Olympics to average a double double. Another fine move by a fine organisation.

- The trail blazing Portland Trail Blazers signed their 15th, 16th and 17th men in Luke Jackson, Steven Hill and Jamaal Tatum, albeit not necessarily in that order. I have already rambled about Jackson, and have nothing to say about the other two, so that's the end of that torrent of NBA insight. Quick! We're near the end!

- And finally, former Clippers guard and ABA journeyman Fred Vinson has returned to the Clippers as an assistant coach. After reading about this news, I faffed about for a while, and then went to bed. Yet clearly the news had a lasting effect on me, because I then proceeded to dream about Fred Vinson. I dreamt that me, Fred Vinson and Fred Vinson's wife, Mrs Fred Vinson (I don't even know if she exists) were out to dinner in a restaurant. The three of us were huddled around a table designed only for two. I had a steak diane, Mrs Fred Vinson had soup, and Fred Vinson had a largely undistinguished plate of brown. There was laughter, merriment, and much guffawery. I can't remember a single topic of conversation, but dammit, it doesn't matter. The important thing is that I dreamt that I was out to dinner with Fred Vinson.

You don't want to be like me when you grow up.

.....so they DO sue bloggers?

noreply@blogger.com (Sham) — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 00:42:00 +0000

SonicsCentral.com gets served.

'I got hit yesterday sitting in a meeting with my insurance company when a guy in a bright yellow shirt started hanging out, and eventually knocking on my conference room door. Right in the middle of the meeting I got the handoff and the “You’ve been served” line.

At least my insurance agent is a Sonics fan. Better than being hit by some random employee complaint.

(Hmmm. Had best rethink things around here.)

Everybody in and around the NBA is awesome and faultless. The players are awesome. The executives are faultless. The agents are regal and voluptuous. Clay Bennett is majestic. David Stern is Jesus incarnate. Jesus is our Lord and Saviour. Other religions are impeccable too. Sean May is not fat. No one is fat. The world is great and its inhabitants are all perfect in every way. Everybody. They're all grand. You know you, right? Well, you're perfect. We love you.

You know what's great? Everything.

ShamSports.com - your upbeat, jovial, joy-spreading and not even slightly acerbic NBA website run by a man with not very deep pockets.

Summer signings, round 20

noreply@blogger.com (Sham) — Sat, 23 Aug 2008 08:17:00 +0000

News! Soon. Possibly.

Before that, here's a thing about stuff.

(Do you think my heart's gone out of these lists?)

- P.J. Tucker is to sign with BC Donetsk in the Ukraine. And, speaking of P.J. Tucker, here's what Bonzi Wells is up to: nothing. It's strange. Bonzi may have carved himself out a reputation in this league as a bit of a moanarse, but he can play, and he's only 31. He averaged 9.1 points and 4.5 rebounds last year as a key reserve on two good teams. He didn't act up, either, and hasn't for a while. And yet someone won't sign him? Weird. Either he's stupidly pricing himself out of the market, or there even more stupidly isn't one.

- Aaron Miles is very close to signing with Panionios in Greece.

- The Boston Celtics signed both Darius Miles and Bill Walker. Can't say that I'm particularly overwhelmed by either signing, although everyone who tells me about Bill Walker tells me that Bill Walker was an absolute steal for the Celtics. (Note: roughly 80% of the people who talk to me about Bill Walker are Celtics fans.) As for Miles, signing him represents nought but a low risk, low return move. He was a 14 point scorer for a short time, but...come on now. By all accounts - particularly by the account of the guy who considered him to be medically retired - that knee has got bad news written all over it. How much can he contribute, exactly? I expect nothing and wouldn't mind being pleasantly surprised about that. (By the way, did you notice how I just left that previous Aaron Miles entry out there to hang, without so much as a single stupid comment or pun on his name? It was deliberate. I'm trying to grow up.)

- Conflicting reports surround the highly interesting whereabouts of former Bull, Dalibor Bagaric. Dalibor - who is great, by the way - is reportedly close to re-signing with Fortitudo Bologna, where he can form the slowest centre duet in history with the recently signed Earl Barron. However, the Croatian press report that Bagaric is close to signing with the Atlanta Hawks. Should that happen, I will be a happy bunny indeed. If Bagaric signs with the Hawks, expect this site to take a very pro-Hawks direction. And, if they waive him, we'll start a bloody riot.

(NB: Bagaric's profile on this website mentions how Dali had 3 flagrant fouls in only 5 summer league games back in 2002, but then provides inaccurate proof of such a claim. (Also, it was 6 games.) So here it the proof in question - unos, two, trois. That never gets old. Additionally, Dali's profile asks for Preston Shumpert updates, and now I'll answer my own query: Shumpert signed today for Efes Pilsen in Turkey. This site is a goldmine, I tell you.)

- Devin Brown re-signed with the Hornets, the team with whom he resurrected his career back in 2007. Despite my earlier criticisms of the composition of the Hornets bench, I will never besmirch any team that gives Devin Brown work, so this is a purely stupdenous move by them, even if it doesn't solve the problem that I (mis)identified in that earlier post. That problem could still be somewhat resolved by Salim Stoudamire, you know. And Salim still needs a job for next year. (Aww man. If the Hornets sign Stoudamire to go with Brown, that'd be great. And I'll feel partly responsible. Never say die, Salim. We'll get you some work yet.)

- Goran Dragic signed with the Suns on a four year contract, ending the lifelong bloody saga often referred to as "The Saga Of Whether Goran Dragic Is Going To Sign With The Phoenix Suns Or Not Saga". That saga had many ups and downs and twists and turns and traps and pitfalls and shit, and it caught more than one educated basketball writer out during its run. It also caught me out. But, as ever, I don't invent the news. I just regurgitate it without giving any links due to systematic laziness. I accept equal measures of both credit and scorn for this.

- Captain Larry Turner has signed with Reales de La Vega in the Dominican Republic, and he has also supposedly picked up Dominican citizenship. Barring something like murder, with L-Turn as either the protagonist or the victim, I can't foresee a single scenario in which I ever report Captain Larry Turner news ever again. Enjoy what you've got.

- Tottenham Hotspur re-signed Michael Finley, in a move which makes more sense for the team than the player. Finley is probably going to find that minutes are harder to come by with the acquisition of Roger Mason. But that's up to him.

- Journeyman guard Luis Flores keeps on journeying, signing for Hapoel Holon in Israel. P.J. Tucker played there last year, but the opener to this post - in which Tucker's movements are tracked with spooky inaccuracy - lets us know that the two won't be about to form a beautiful Jordan/Pippen type partnership, nor even a Guillermo Diaz/Josh Powell type of on-court basketball partnership. They won't be forming any kind of partnership at all, in fact, because Tucker's long gone. Shame. That said, I'm still holding out hope that the two form a duo, as a renegade pair of crime fighting fugitives, tough and uncompromising, taking the law into their own hands, stopping at nothing to bring scumbags to justice, while travelling the globe on the lam, avoiding the long arm of the law. This would be good. (It's a new sitcom that I'm writing. The fact that I haven't thought it through whatsoever arguably makes it better.)

- Former Kings training campette Ricky Shields signed with Krka in the Adriatic League, which is a team that I had never previously heard of. Amusingly, this press release chooses to call Shields by his full name, in a trend which I sorely hope catches on, particularly when middle names such as Essington are on show. A particular favourite of mine is Qatar hero, Jabari Montsho Smith. Readers note: I'm about to bleed this joke dry.

- Earl Smith III (see! Works every time!) re-signed with the Denver Nuggets, as well you know......

....and I can't think of a joke to end on. Normally in this situation, I resort to a bit of Conway, in a concept directly and correctly stolen from Family Guy. I don't think it's going over well, though, so we'll put that to bed for now, and end this post here, Twittyless.

(By the way, in answer to my original question.....it hasn't died. Not at all. It's just that the narrative devices are drying up because I'm not a very good writer.)

Summer signings, round 19

noreply@blogger.com (Sham) — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 11:25:00 +0000

The site went down for a few hours due to some problem with GoDaddy's Tomcat servers parsing information properly or some shit. The site's content was still there, but it just wouldn't let you see it. This problem has happened before, and by God, it'll happen again. That's what you get when you make cutbacks on running costs in order to be able to afford to run a website out of your own pocket without earning a single penny back in advertising revenue due to your carnal philanthropic desire to give the viewing public what they want. The tradeoff is occasional downtime. And run-on sentences.

Maybe one day we'll redesign the site in a new format, into one less archaic, more flexible and more reliable. Maybe we'll use a new URL. Maybe we'll use new automation and all that jazz. Maybe one day we'll have a focus group to plan all of this. Maybe all this has already happened. Who knows?

More importantly: Conway Twitty!!!! (And some signings news as well.)

- It has been announced that Demetris Nichols has re-signed with the Chicago Bulls. This news may have appeared on this site before. While I don't claim to have been the first to know this news, or to have tapped up Nichols himself or anything (giggidy), I'm still going to use it as some leverage for when I next need you to believe me on something. You are hereby forewarned.

- Devean George has agreed to sign with the Dallas Mavericks for the third time, after almost doing them a favour when he voided the first Jason Kidd trade back in February. It's also been announced that the Mavs don't plan on extending Kidd, which doesn't seem like a bad idea given how quickly Kidd's decline has become. However, the side effect of that is that the Mavericks are now in grave danger of having traded Devin Harris and two first round draft picks in what amounts to little more than a salary dump and Antoine Wright. That won't be pretty if it happens. Trading Kidd's mahoosive expiring at some point this year might not be a bad idea.

- Hey Bulls fans! Do you remember back when we had P.J. Brown's expiring contract, and were trying to use it as the main ingredient in a trade for Pau Gasol, but the deal was doomed to fail when outgoing Grizzlies General Manager Adam West decided that he wanted every decent young player in the Western world in exchange for Pau, rather than the salary savings offered up by Brown's contract? Do you remember how bitter we were when this didn't go down? Do you remember how much that bitterness was reaffirmed when, twelve months later, the Grizzlies changed their minds and traded Pau to the Lakers for what was, primarily, salary relief? Do you remember how we lambasted the Bulls' sexy General Manager John Paxson for not turning Brown's contract into at least someone useful? Do you remember how we particularly rued not trading for Donyell Marshall and Shareef Abdur-Rahim? Well, a quick update. Donyell was just waived by Oklahoma City with a year of his contract remaining, and he is basically done. Shareef is even more done - he has two (count 'em!) seasons remaining on his contract, coming off of a season in which he had 6 games, 10 points and 9 fouls total, and the cost of him not playing well will be $12.8 million over those two years. In hindsight, maybe now we can see why the Bulls were right not to deal P.J's expiring salary for any old shit, and were right to just let it expire and use the salary saving themselves. This rings particularly true when you consider how, right now, we're trying to tightrope the luxury tax while re-signing Ben Gordon. Food for thought there. (Also: the New Jersey Nets copped a lot of stick when they voided their agreement to trade for Shareef because of knee trouble found in his medical, despite Shareef having only missed I think one game the previous season with a knee problem. In hindsight....it looks like they were right.)

- From Donyell to Dorell: Dorell Wright re-signed with the Heat for a certain amount of money over a certain amount of years. For a few years now, Pat Riley and company have excitedly spoken excitedly about how excited they are about their new exciting athletic and exciting lineup, just to then resort to form and use old farts such as Alonzo Mourning, Antoine Walker and Jason Williams to win either the lottery or the NBA Championship. It was a cute act which got Smush Parker some guaranteed money. However, since most of the old guard has gone now, their vision of an athletic lineup is about to come to fruition, whether they like it or not. (Giggidy.) As things stand, the Heat's non-golfing front 9 are to be Mario Chalmers, Daequan Cook, Dwayne Wade, James Jones, Dorell Wright, Michael Beasley, Shawn Marion, Udonis Haslem and Mark Blount. Apart from Haslem and Blount, that's a lineup of all good jumpers, if not all good jumpshots. And even Blount moves pretty good for a centre. Deeper down the bench, there are yet more good atheltes to be found, with players such as Yakhouba Diawara, Marcus Banks, Joel Anthony and Stephane Lasme. The Heat have finally found an identity. Good for them.

- Speaking of the Heat and players and stuff, Earl Barron signed in Italy with Fortitudo Bologna. He wasn't young or athletic enough to fit in, I guess.

- JamesOn Curry didn't sign with Hapoel, but instead signed in France with Pau Orthez. The French league is never a particularly good place to sign if you want exposure, so I'll assume that the money's good.

- Luke Jackson is supposedly going to sign with the Blazers, and, for those who didn't know or care before now, Luke Jackson went to college at Oregon. So there's some ties there. Jackson's NBA up to now has sucked elephantitis testicles, but he's not entirely useless (or he wasn't, at least). It's getting harder and harder to say this after so many chances up until now, but maybe THIS is the time that Jackson finds his niche and is able to fashion out a career as a bench contributor. There's some ability in there, somewhere. Then again, if you saw him play for Miami last season, then you won't foresee such a breakout as being imminent. (Fun Luke Jackson fact: he's only played 724 minutes in his NBA career, and he's about to turn 27. But he did score 30 in a game once, despite only scoring 252 NBA points in his career. Fun fact. The downside of this - take away that one game, and Jackson is a career 33% shooter. Eep.)

- Petteri Koponen isn't going to sign with the Blazers this year, as he has signed with Virtus (not Fortitudo) Bologna instead. The contract is for four years, but has an NBA escape clause after each year. So he'll probably come over when Sergio Rodriguez buggers off. (I like Sergio Rodriguez. I think we all do. But he probably shouldn't have come straight away. Giggidy.)

- Theo Ratliff has re-signed with the Philadelphia 76ers, his former team of a few years ago. Theo will replicate the lynchpin role that Calvin Booth recently vacated, that of the crappy third string centre who'll only play when necessary, and who will block shots and foul with comparable frequency. It's a vital role for any team.

- Some bonus trivia for you here - former Pistons centre Ratko Varda is still alive and bricking, this week signing for Zalgiris in Lithuania (the only Lithuanian team that you've ever heard of.) Also, in even more bonus news, former lottery pick Sharone Wright is also still hanging about the world of professional basketball despite disappearing from these shores about 28 years ago. (And by "these shores", I mean the NBA.) Wright, whose NBA career was emphatically derailed by a serious car accident, has toiled away in the lower leagues of basketball since then, continuing to make a living. Now 35, he finds himself playing for the Eiffel Towers Den Bosch of the Netherlands league, where he's signed through to be an assistant coach for the next four years, and for whom he also still plays a bit. But I have no idea why there's a Dutch team called the Eiffel Towers. It's not like the Netherlands is short of its own cultural landmarks that can be used to flesh out their professional basketball club's names. Although admittedly the "Eiffel Towers" is a bit more romantic than the "Opium Dens". (Note to Dutch people: only joking! Lovely country. Nice people. Great accents. And those mid 90's Ajax teams were so legendary that I once wrote an English essay about them. And Arsenal goalkeeper David Seaman once signed my Ajax shirt. Both of those are true stories. Go Ajax. Go the Nedderlandsch. By the way, I've never actually been to the Hetherlands before, and am relying on the word of others for my opinion of the country's natural beauty. It's a bit like what I do with any opinions I have on O.J. Mayo.)

And now ladies and gentleman, Mr Conway Twitty.

You Scratch My Back, I'll Scratch Mine

noreply@blogger.com (Sham) — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 03:51:00 +0000

In some shameless self publicity, I'd like to announce how brilliant I am.

In addition to this very blue blog (in the non-pornographic, more literal sense of the word blue), I also have a white one, based at a website that you may have heard of. (And you can probably go ahead and drop the word "may" from that sentence.) The site is DraftExpress.com, the blog is called BasketBollocks, and the URL is here:

http://www.draftexpress.com/blog/BasketBollocks/

I will write for DraftExpress roughly a couple of times a month, as and when inspiration hits me. The mandate is much the same as it is here - tell bad jokes, talk about whatever, and try not to get sued. However, the contents of this blog will not be repeated on that one, and vice versa. Thus, check them both over 100 times a day to make sure that you don't miss anything.

Gratitude goes to whoever volunteered the suggestion of "BasketBollocks" for this website's name. I'd thank you personally, but you didn't leave your name. So you don't win a prize.

Summer signings, round 18

noreply@blogger.com (Sham) — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 03:43:00 +0000

- Adam Haluska signed with Hapoel Jerusalem. I'm putting this one first, because originally I had it last, and the jarringly obvious lack of a bad joke was not a good way to end the post. I have failed you.

- Miami waived Bobby Jones before his contract became guaranteed, thus leaving Jones free to roam the land and add another scalp to his "I can totally play for every NBA team before 2010" campaign. (A campaign which may only exist in my head.) I'd recommend him to Memphis, but unfortunately, he's already been there once. So....Oklahoma City, anyone?

- Some things happen really quietly in the NBA. So quietly, in fact, tha they aren't actually announced at all. In the last six weeks or so, the Bulls have signed two players without telling anyone: restricted free agent Demetris Nichols accepted his unguaranteed qualifying offer, obviously aware that it's for more than he will get elsewhere, and number 1 overall pick Derrick Rose signed his rookie contract back in early July. For some reason, there was no press conference on this - one can only assume that they held off deliberately in order to do the damn thing so that they can announce his signing at a later date in conjunction with the signings of, say, Luol Deng and Ben Gordon. That way, they can do one of those "Meet The Next Generation" type of press conferences, and maybe even get Jonathan Frakes as a guest speaker. However, as Ben Gordon has decided to be a right wazzock about his contract situation (more on this later), that plan hasn't really worked out. Nevertheless, Rose has signed, so all you conspiracy theorists....disperse.

- Similarly, the Warriors have signed undrafted forward Dion Dowell for training camp, doing so very early, with no announcement made. It's not unprecedented for this to happen - Utah did it with Roger Powell once, for example - but it is kind of rare. So when an announcement about Golden State signing Dion Dowell hits the streets in the first week of October, don't be surprised to hear an I told you so. (In the unlikely event that it doesn't happen, this post will self-destruct, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.)

- Milwaukee signed Francisco Elson. Why? Don't know, really. Is Elson better than incumbent backup centre Dan Gadzuric? Yes, yes he is. Pretty much everyone is. But is it by a lot? Not exactly. So is it worth signing a slight upgrade when you're already stuck with paying Gadzuric $20 million over the next three years? (By the way, you may have noticed that sometimes I befoul the signing of good players to decent value contracts, and sometimes I applaud it. This is because I'm temperamental, partial to prejudice, and often wrong.)

- In the same day, Gordan Giricek was reported to have signed with two different teams, in a situation even more bizarre than that of serial bigamist, Jumaine Jones. Triumph Lyubertsy of Russia - the team who just spent lots of money on glamour model Nenad Krstic as a replacement for Uros Slokar - were reported to have signed Giricek for one of those elusive 1+1 deals, but agent Marc Fleischer says that Giricek signed with Fenerbache of Turkey. And you'd think that he'd know, really. So we'll pencil him in for Turkey. (You know the best part about all of this? I'm Uros Slokar's Facebook friend. True story. The guy writes on his own wall a lot, but his English is as sound as Ealing North MP Stephen Pound. I like him.)

- Boston either just have signed or soon will sign their first round draft pick, J.R. Giddens. For all first round draft pick fans at home, this now leaves only two from this year's draft unsigned - George Hill of the San Antonio Spurs (who apparently will signed and will feature heavily), and Serge Ibaka of Oklahoma City (who, as intrepidly reported back in the boom boom selection days, has signed elsewhere already). You know who has been signed? Derrick Rose. Just thought I'd remind you.

- Jamar Smith has signed for Fastweb Casale Monferrato in Italy. Note: this is not Illinois's disreputable Jamar Smith, the one who recently got kicked off of the team for some naughtiness. Instead, this is Maryland's Jamar Smith, the one hurtling towards thirty, and the former San Antonio Spurs training camp fodder. In many ways, this is the more famous of the Jamar Smithii. (Plural.)

- Jannero Pargo signed with Dynamo Moscow, a team which isn't actually in Moscow, but which can be found in a small farmer's market outside Pontefract, Wales. (Readers note: I am talking out of my arse.) The signing of Pargo isn't exactly a heartbreaker, but it does weaken the already piss poor market even further. However, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. For every reasonably decent point guard signed, Kevin Ollie gets one step closer to a stay of execution, which can't be bad. Additionally, if any teams out there are upset at losing out of signing Pargo and are looking for a Pargo-like replacement, may I suggest Salim Stoudamire?

- Louis Amundson signed with the Phoenix Suns, naturally for the minimum. So clearly the Warriors looked elsewhere (namely, Dion Dowell). The Suns are now a Goran Dragic away from completing their roster, and we'll have more on that sneaky little bastard later.

- Marcus Douthit has signed with Antalya Buyuksehir Belediye. The last time I wrote something about Marcus Douthit, I asked the world if any of you knew what happened to Douthit's unique charges of embezzlement. Reader and one-time blog commenter Chris, whoever that is (God bless you sir) provided a quasi-update, but not an absolute resolution to this important question. And so, I'll ask again: does anyone know of what became of Marcus Douthit's embezzlement charges?

- Paul Davis returned to the L.A. Clippers to battle Steve Novak for the important role of gimpy looking 15th man whose very presence keeps the fans interested. Unhelpfully and unoriginally, I'm going to make the same observation that everyone else has made: boy, do they have a lot of Davii! (Plural.) Journeyman forward Dangerous Josh Davis can claim the one the Clippers as one of the few teams that he hasn't played for yet, not even in summer league (I think), and he's also currently unsigned. This union makes too much sense not to happen.

- Maintenant, et finalément, I can't speak French. Shawn Kemp did actually sign for Bread Mountain in Italy, as mentioned once before. It really happened. It really did. Expect this to be tracked closely.

Summer signings, round 17

noreply@blogger.com (Sham) — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 22:45:00 +0000

.....And by "signings", I mean "one big six player trade and some bland filler, cared about by no one but I". Note: grammar may not be as blazingly shit hot as author's nationaliy would suggest.

- James Augustine has signed with Gran Canaria in Spain, where he'll play alongside Joel Freeland. It is unlikely, however, that Augustine will play as well as Freeland, because Freeland is a freakin' legend. Also, I am still awaiting answers on how Augustine was waived by the Magic when he wasn't under contract. Did someone misreport his qualifying offer being retracted, or did he sign a contract reaaaaaaally quietly just to be waived within a few weeks? Someone tell me, because I care too much.

- Ronald Murray signed with the Atlanta Hawks. Do the Hawks really need another backup guard that can't shoot, when they have Acie Law, Speedy Claxton and Maurice Evans already? I doubt it. Nooooo, what they need is a good shooter. Like, say, Salim Stoudamire. (Readers note: I know that Maurice Evans has, somehow, developed himself into a good outside shooter, despite only using one hand to do so. But for some reason, my instinctive reaction is always to assume that Evans still can't shoot, even though he clearly can. I am holding something that isn't Evans's fault, or that is even true, against Maurice Evans, purely to make a petty point that doesn't even make sense. But whatever. Shut up. I'm having fun.)

- Andre Barrett signed with Barcelona, where he will combine with Juan Carlos Navarro to form what is officially the smallest backcourt in the history of professional basketball. (Note: may not be official.)

- Josh Powell signed with the L.A. Lakers after being waived by the Clippers at the end of last month. Now here's what I'm wondering: did Josh Powell have a house in L.A., and did he sell it once the Clippers waived him? Because, if so, whoops. On a more important basketball level: good move, Lakers.

- Andre Iguodala re-signed with the Philadelphia Sixers for lots of money, a comparable if not identical sum to that of Luol Deng before him. Most websites would lead with this announcement. This website leads with James Augustine. If you don't like that, go view another website. (Readers note: do not go view another website.)

- Brandon Bowman has signed with Telekom in Germany. If anybody wants an unpaid research job, do me a favour, and go research how many players have left the NBA (training camps count), signed in the German league, and been able to make it back to the big dance. Off the top of my head, I can't think of any, and I can't be bothered to look it up due to the inherent pointlessness of doing so. So feel free to do it for me.

- Damir Markota - him of the experience - has signed with Cibona Zagreb. Must have good clubs there. (Basketball clubs, obviously.)

- And finally, something interesting. It's time for a threesome.

Cleveland acquires Maurice Williams
Cleveland trades Damon Jones and Joe Smith

Milwaukee acquires Luke Ridnour, Damon Jones and Adrian Griffin
Milwaukee trades Maurice Williams and Desmond Mason.

Oklahoma City acquires Joe Smith and Desmond Mason.
Oklahoma City trades Luke Ridnour and Adrian Griffin.

Oklahoma City gets two decent players and $10 million in expirings for what essentially constitutes nothing at all. Cleveland gets the best player in the deal for two rather redundant expiring contracts. Meanwhile, Milwaukee trades the best player, arguably the third best player, and receives a whole sack of shit in return.

Hmmm.

I know why they did it. I think we all do - the pairing of Maurice Williams and Michael Redd wasn't working out, never foreseeably could, and needed splitting up. I get that much. But, if you've just traded the contract of Bobby Simmons for an in-his-prime Richard Jefferson, does this not signify that:

a) You'd quite like to win now?
b) You're probably not going for the ol' 2010 plan?

So when why you dump one of your better players (and a decent backup in Mason) for another backup and some filler, just to save some money? It's not like Ridnour is even expiring, and if the Bucks perceive that he has some vital usage for them on the court, they're wrong on that.

By all means trade Williams. Break up the worst defensive backcourt in basketball. Open the way for Ramon Sessions. Save a few quid. But at least get a decent player in return. May I suggest a power forward that isn't Charlie Villanueva as a decent starting point.

Was this really the best deal out there? They couldn't get back a player better than Luke freakin' Ridnour for a 17/6 scoring guard? One whom they just tied in to a market value long term contract?

I hope that it was. I also hope that it wasn't.

(Also, the Ron Artest trade that was talked about earlier finally went down. But you probably knew that already.)

Summer signings, round 16

noreply@blogger.com (Sham) — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 01:05:00 +0000

- Bracey Wright and his Bengali cats are to sign with DKV Joventut Badalona in Spain, where he'll be joined by Pops Mensah-Bonsu. Pops's status was up in the air for a while, as he exercised a clause in his contract that allowed him to attempt to find some NBA work. But there wasn't any, and so Pops will return to Joventut, a broken man. Maybe.

- The point guard crop got another touch weaker, as Dan Dickau signed with Avellino in Italy. (I suppose an altternative title for this post would be "Dick Out!". Ah well, too late now.) Is this the end of Dickau in the NBA? I hope not, but I fear it might be. And that's a crying shame. If it is, and if we include his draft night like we did for Bobby Jones in a previous post, then the list of NBA franchises that Dan Dickau spent some time with is as follows:

1: Sacramento
2: Atlanta
3: Portland
4: Golden State
5: Dallas
6: New Orleans
7: Boston
8: Portland (again)
9: New York
10: L.A. Clippers

In only 6 years, that's a damn good list. Maybe one day, we can add Chicago to it.

- J.R. Pinnock has signed with Pallacanestro Roseto 1946 in Italy's second division. It's hard to make jokes about team's names when they include the year in which they were founded in them. It's hardly the best ammo in the world, is it?

- Dawan Robinson has signed for Prima Veroli, also in Italy's second division. I know that you know who Dawan Robinson is, and I know that you can tell me which NBA franchise he went to training camp with back in 2006 without looking it up. If you can't, there's something deeply wrong with you. (Clue: Dan Dickau once played for them, which gives you a 1 in 9 shot of a lucky guess. Unless you just skipped the bit about Dan Dickau. If you did, there's something deeply wrong with you.)

- The Phoenix Suns' lengthy pursuit to sign Goran Dragic - their own draft pick - ended in misery and defeat. Dragic decided for about the 400th time to stay with Tau Ceramica in Spain, leaving the Suns having to look elsewhere. It hath been mentioned by people whose job it is to mention these things that the Suns will now look at Damon Stoudamire as their next point guard target. I know very little about Goran Dragic, but I know that he's better than Damon freakin' Stoudamire. So this is not much of a consolation prize.

(You know who else is better than Damon Stoudamire? Salim Stoudamire! That's who you need, Steve Kerr!)

- James "Get The" Gist has signed for the elusive Italian stunner herself, Angelico Biella. (That "Get The" thing is an audible joke, by the way, and one that works really well if the name Gist is pronounced with a soft G, and if you have an advanced understand of English lower middle class colloquialisms. If you don't have such an understanding, but would like to develop one, then you've come to the right website.)

- Jermaine Jackson has signed with Udine in Italy. I have literally nothing else to say about that. Not a sausage. Bugger all.

- The draft rights to Kyle Weaver were traded by Charlotte to Oklahoma City in exchange for New Jersey's second round draft choice next season which Oklahoma City owns from the to Mikki Moore trade of whenever it was. Kyle Weaver was rendered obselete after the Bobcats signed Shannon Brown, and the Bobcats signed Shannon Brown almost immediately after I pointed out that no one had signed Shannon Brown, and that no one ever would. So, essentially, Kyle Weaver's plight - if you can call it that - is my fault. Whoops. Sorry about that, Kyle.

- My Call Mike Hall has signed with Armani Jeans Milano. The single best thing about the NBA is the fact that they have not gotten into the trend of selling the team names for commerical sponsorship. Yet.

- Ryvon Covile has signed for Orleans in France, not New Orleans in America. Both Ryvon Covile and Jermaine Jackson graduated from Detroit Mercy - a college which sounds like a WNBA team - and they are quite possibly the only people in the world to have ever graduated from there. Hooray! I thought of something to say about Jermaine Jackson!

- Walter Herrmann re-signed with the Detroit Pistons. Good move. I had assumed, without any real evidence, that Detroit's decision to not tender Herrmann a qualifying offer would mean that Herrmann would have pissed off back to the beautiful continent of Europe, from whence he came. But it would appear that their decision not to do so was solely one of financial motivations - Herrmann has re-signed with the Pistons on a one year deal that pays a significant amount less than the fully guaranteed qualifying offer would have done. So it works out better for Detroit this way. More importantly, they now have a bench player who can score, shoot from the outside, and who doesn't suck. They could still use a guard with a jumpshot - the backup guard rotation of Rodney Stuckey, Will Bynum, Arron Afflalo and probably Lindsey Hunter will hit about 39 threes between them, and you can guarantee that I'm going to bump this post if that number proves to be anywhere close to accurate. Yet Herrmann gives them a shooter and a perimeter scorer off the bench that they had previously lacked. Plus, he's Walter friggin' Herrmann. That's a positive in itself.

And now, ladies and gentleman, Mr Conway Twitty.

Summer signings, round 15

noreply@blogger.com (Sham) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 05:44:00 +0000

- Chris McCray signed with Rimini in Italy, a town whose very name made it destined for basketball greatness (and thus, by proxy, destined for Chris McCray). While we're on the subject of people named McCray, I'd like to extend an RIP to Colin McRae. And Steve Fossett. And Glenn Miller. And Matthew Harding. And Bernie Mac. And Mother Teresa. And basically anybody who has ever died. Except for maybe Fred West. And Hitler. And Judas. And Saddam Hussein. And Mutsuo Toi. I'll stop this now before you find a less preachy blog to read instead.

- Andre Emmett and JamesOn Curry are both reportedly negotiating with Hapoel Jerusalem. I know that this blog is about "signings" and not negotations, since a whole lot more negotiating goes on than signing. But, sod it. I'm a maverick. I don't play by the rules. Not even the arbitrary ones that I created in the first place. (Kevinn Pinkney was also supposed to be talking to Hapoel, despite a previous blog post relaying the news that he'd signed for an Italian team. However, now another report has come out saying that he's signed with a third team, also in Italy, called Cantu. The lesson, as ever: screw Danny Ainge.)

- Eugene Jeter signed with Vive Menorca of Spain (specifically, the island of Menorca), much to the chagrin of at least one Minnesota Timberwolves fan who thought that Jeter could be the answer to their team's "oh Jesus, someone has to pass the ball?" problem. Since the drafting of Derrick Rose, Eugene Jeter is no longer the best professional point guard in the world with the nickname "Pooh", so the question has to be asked as to why we should still care about him. (Poor old Pooh Richardson is now down to third place, despite his basketball career being far more successful than that of Pooh Jeter's to date. These rankings might not be official, or accurate. Also, if anyone wants to conduct a study as to why only point guards are nicknamed "Pooh", I'll help finance your work, to the tune of a couple of quid.)

- The L.A. Clippers signed Jason Williams, thus pretty much concluding their business for the offseason. At times in these posts, I have slated the Clippers for what I deem to be some cap mismanagement. (I stand by it, although it has been pointed out to me that the Eric Gordon signing was probably necessitated by the common practice that dictates that rookies won't play in summer camps without a contract. I sort of knew that already, but I'm willing to concede the point anyway, because I'm entirely brilliant and just a little bit self-congratulatory.) However, they deserve due credit: this summer, they have signed Baron Davis, Ricky Davis, Brian Skinner and Jason Williams as free agents, while also taking on the market value contract of Marcus Camby while giving up nothing. That right there is a succession of moves that sees decent-to-fine players obtained for good value - Baron Davis signed for far less than the maximum, Ricky Davis signed cheaply for one year, Skinner took the minimum, Williams may as well have done, and Camby is tied in for two years at an extremely good price for an elite centre. For this, the Clippers deserve their due. I still worry about their long term future, or lack thereof (although they do have something of a 2010 plan on the go), and they aren't going to win much other than a playoff spot in the immediate future. But that's not necessarily a bad thing, and signing good players for good prices never is. So, kudos.

- The Josh Smith played itself out thusly: Atlanta refused to budge from their lowball of a 5 year, $45 million offer; Smith looked elsewhere; Smith signed a 5 year and $58 million offer sheet from Memphis; Atlanta quickly matched. So that's pretty sensible all around. The news that Memphis isn't entirely against the idea of spending their cap room comes as a welcome relief, though, and it gives me an idea, one which will future in the next blog post. (Hint: It's based around an anagram of Neb Gondor. And the fact that I just made that a link may give the game away slightly.)

- Josip Sesar has signed with Zrinjski Mostar in Bosnia, and not the Boston Celtics. Damn shame.

- Sun Yue, second round pick of the Lakers last year, has agreed to sign with the team. Apparently, the important Lakers people reckon that Yue may get some point guard time, and Lamar Odom will also spent some time playing at the guard spots. Verdict: I think they're lying.

- Miami signed Yakhouba Diawara because they didn't think that they had enough players under contract yet.

- The Hawks signed Thomas Gardner and Othello Hunter. The Gardner signing, while largely inconsequential, gives the Hawks six guards not named Salim Stoudamire. That, plus this rather ominous blog report thing, gives me the vague idea that maybe Salim Stoudamire isn't going to back to the Atlanta Hawks next year. So, if there's anyone out there with sway in this 'ere NBA world - do me a favour. Either sign Salim Stoudamire, or help us find somebody who will. He's like Jannero Pargo, and everyone likes Jannero Pargo (or, rather, everyone hates playing against him.) He'll probably come cheaper, too. I demand that someone sign him. I have no leverage with which to make such demands, but that didn't do Luol Deng any harm. (Devin Brown also needs a home, but I think I'm over this now.)

- The New Orleans Hornets re-signed Ryan Bowen. Yeehaw. The Hornets' bench now reads thusly: Mike James, Rasual Butler, James Posey, Bowen, Hilton Armstrong, Julian Wright, and Melvin Ely. Who out of that lot do they expect to be a sixth man, exactly? They appear to have moved on from Pargo and Bonzi Wells, two players always willing to fashion a shot, even if they're not always a good idea. So who's going to provide the bench offense here? I'm aware that Chris Paul is basically Jesus, who could get even me an easy basket, but the real Jesus had a few days off, too. (He got his carpentry NVQ at a young age. Good plan. It's always a good idea to have a fallback option.) So the Hornets could really use someone that can find, take and make a shot off the bench. Mike James isn't getting it done, and Ryan Bowen really isn't getting it done.

Hey, I know! Maybe the Hornets could use Salim Stoudamire!

Won't somebody PLEASE think of Quinton Ross?

noreply@blogger.com (Sham) — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 04:59:00 +0000

There follows a list of the remaining unsigned NBA free agents, and what they're currently rumoured to be doing about their jobless selves. Most of these players suck, because we're over a month into free agency now. Yet this list may still serve as a useful resource if you're sifting through the remaining chunks of free agency vomit, looking for gold dust and/or your brand new watch, relentlessly apologising for ruining the whole party and vowing never to mix Bourbon and Gaymers again. Maybe.

NOTE - decent free agents from other leagues not listed partly because this is an NBA website, and partly because I can't be bothered.

Point guards:

- Kevin Ollie: Recently annointed a role model for reasons other than just the moustache, that video is possibly the only thing on the internet that suggests that some teams want to sign Ollie. By the way, did you know that that's how he spoke? I didn't. I thought it'd be deeper than that. Ho hum.

- Shaun Livingston: Still not cleared to play basketball. In spite of this, the Clippers have talked to him about re-signing anyway, and Miami and Phoenix both also showed an interest. And why wouldn't they? Take a look down this list at how bad the rest of this free agency point guards list is. If you needed a point guard, wouldn't you rather have the guy whose knee doesn't work, than, say, Smush Parker?

- Sam Cassell: Said he intends to play one more year before becoming an assistant coach. "Expects" to stay with the Celtics, who don't seem to be reciprocating quite as much. Cassell either was or wasn't a judge at a pole dancing competition, depending on whether you believe the Boston Globe or Sam himself.

- Jannero Pargo: Apparently on the cusp of signing with the San Antonio Spurs, which seems like an odd decision. Firstly, they don't have much money to give him, which is the reason why Jannero has opted out of contracts two years in a row. Secondly, the reason that they don't have any money is because they spent it on Roger Mason Jr, and why the HELL would you want to pair Jannero Pargo and Roger Mason Jr? Not sure I get that. Even if you start Mason - an idea fraught with danger - and persevere with bringing Manu Ginobili off of the bench, you still get a load of duplication from those two. So what's the point?

- Darrell Armstrong: His agent says that Armstrong has turned down "multiple" coaching opportunities in favour of one more go-around as a player. (If that makes sense.) Orlando were mildly interested. The Nets....less so.

- Dan Dickau: Is considering signing with one of several European teams. He has to - the money's good, and the NBA offers are sparse. More importantly, Dan Dickau is also to host a celebrity poker tournament, sweetened by the deal-breaking offer of a gift bag. So get famous and sign up.

- Damon Stoudamire: The only team with the slightest reported interest is Phoenix. It doesn't seem surprising that no one's looking at Damon, given how badly he did with the Spurs last year, and also because of the giant salad fork sticking out of his back.

- Jason Williams: My great idea for him to re-sign with Sacramento doesn't seem to be working out, given that they brought back a different old boy instead in Bobby Jackson. Williams has had offers from at least one European team, but he doesn't sound too keen on the idea. Shaq wants him in Phoenix, which doesn't really mean anything.

- Andre Owens: No idea. Nothing.

- Chris Quinn (restricted): Hot shit, apparently. The Timberwolves, Clippers, Hawks, Warriors and Wizards have apparently all expressed an interest, and the Heat still have a qualifying offer out there. Life is good for Chris Quinn, even if he is technically unemployed.

- Lindsey Hunter: Hasn't yet decided it he wants to play one more season. If he does, it'll be with Detroit.

- Blake Ahearn: Says that Minnesota "really likes" him after his performances for their summer league team, but hasn't signed anything yet.

Shooting guards:

- Ben Gordon (restricted): Wants a payday like the one Luol Deng just got, in spite of the fact that he has absolutely no free agency suitors other than the Bulls, and also that he isn't as good as Deng. The Bulls want him back - or at least say that they do - and talks are ongoing. But, in the words of fabled philosopher Tim Baland, it's gone get ugly, if it hasn't done so already. (Note: original lyrics may differ.)

- J.R. Smith (restricted): Denver have said that they will match any offer, but Cleveland are apparently about to test that resolve with a full mid level exception offer. Jesus, people. It's J.R. Smith.

- Michael Finley: His agent Henry Thomas says that Finley has turned down some fairly lucrative European offers in favour of a final turn in the NBA. His agent also claims that several "championship calibre teams" want Finley, which means there's no chance of a return to Dallas. (Ho ho ho, see what I did there?)

- Delonte West (restricted): Cleveland are half-arsedly negotiating with him, while also trying far harder to sign J.R. Smith, and simultaneously bringing in Tarence Kinsey as an insurance policy. That can't make West feel good. Boston were supposedly interested in taking him back, and a well paid European offer is on the table, as it is for basically everybody. In fact, it might make more sense for me to merely say who ISN'T being offered big money from Europe.

- Devin Brown: He's not going back to Cleveland. Dallas, New Orleans, Denver and Atlanta are his suitors.

- Gordan Giricek: Wants to return to Phoenix, the team with whom he enjoyed a decent cameo to end last season, but the Suns won't offer more than the minimum, which Giricek won't take. There's a lucractive European offer on the table - OBVIOUSLY - and also some NBA offers from teams that no one wants to name. They must be embarassed at themselves or osmething.

- Ronald Murray: Cleveland "enquired", and that's all we've got. Is it me, or are the Indiana press totally disinterested in reporting the potential destinations of their free agent guards? We know they're not going back to Indiana, but play the game, at least.

- Kirk Snyder: Minnesota didn't offer him a QO, then acquired Rodney Carney to take his place, and no other teams seem to have showed interest? Why is that? He's not THAT bad.

- Quinton Ross: Renounced by the Clippers, ignored by everyone else. WHY, God? WHY? Kareem Rush gets signed early, yet Quinton Ross can't even find a suitor. Rigoddamndiculous.

- Fred Jones: In keeping with our recent little string of "not all that bad shooting guards getting unfairly overlooked", Fred Jones is unsigned and unloved. Come on now. These players aren't great, or even starters. But they're decent players, being dealt the disservice of being stuck at the NBA deepest position. I demand that they be signed.

- Juan Dixon: Gilbert Arenas wants him back in Washington. That's about it.

- Salim Stoudamire: I want to sign him. I'm the only one, though.

- Derek Anderson: Nothing.

- Von Wafer: Played summer league with the Knicks, but won't make their roster.

- Shannon Brown: Couldn't (or wouldn't) even get a summer league spot. He's gone.

- Casey Jacobsen: Memphis waived Tarence Kinsey for this guy, don't you know? Jacobsen isn't going back to Memphis, and has no NBA interest to fall back on.

- Yakhouba Diawara: For seemingly no reason, Denver is considering re-signing Diawara, despite just replacing him with the superior Dahntay Jones. Well, good for them.

- Eric Piatkowski: In recent weeks, Piatkowski has lit the torch at the 24th Cornhusker State Games (whatever they are), and gotten caught up in some dodgy business. However, there's no news of another NBA contract, despite how much Pike wants it. Nonetheless, in that first link, we are treated to the finest Eric Piatkowski quote of all time:

I refuse to not be successful in everything I do.

Apart from double negative usage classes, you never will not be.

- Mario West: Stayed with Atlanta for summer league, but, without a qualifying offer, it doesn't look too likely that he's going back. No one else has said much.

- Ronald Dupree: Went to Oklahoma City's summer league team wearing Seattle Supersonics coloured shoes, albeit probably not on purpose. Unlikely to return, but the man remains confident.

- DerMarr Johnson: Being arrested for DUI didn't do much to strengthen his position as a fringe NBA player.

Small forwards:

- Andre Iguodala (restricted): Negotiations with the Sixers are still in "limbo", but...come on. He's going back there. Where the hell else is he going? The man will fight for the biggest payday, but we all know that he'll get one eventually. Let's not pretend otherwise. Feel free to berate me mercliessly for writing all this bobbins once Iguodala takes the one year qualifying offer and signs with Portland next summer.

- Bonzi Wells: Surprisingly overlooked. New Orleans would rather bring back Ryan Bowen than Bonzi, which is the worst insult that you can give a man. The 6 year contract from Sacramento that Bonzi turned down two years ago is getting ever more hurtful.

- Devean George: Has "several" suitors, but the Clippers are no longer among them, and Dallas apparently aren't either.

- Dorell Wright (restricted): The Heat are "open" to a sign and trade, but to who? No one seems to have expressed an interest.

- Jeremy Richardson (restricted): You can pretty much pencil him in for the Hawks training camp.

- Louis Amundson: A month ago, it seemed a matter of time before Amundson signed a contract with the Golden State Warriors. But then it didn't happen. And now I don't know what's happening.

- Demetris Nichols (restricted): With no suitors and a qualifying offer out there, he'll almost certainly be going to the Bulls training camp, to battle for a spot with players cheaper than he.

- Awvee "Booooo!" Storey: Had his team option declined by Milwaukee, but played on their summer league team anyway. Didn't play very well. No one else wants him.

- Michael Gelabale: No one seems interested, which is probably due to his bad knee injury more than anything.

- Ryan Bowen: See above. A league in which Ryan Bowem has more suitors than Quinton Ross is a very fucked-up league indeed.

- Ira Newble: Nothing to report.

- Marcus Williams: Renounced by the Clippers, not courted by others.

- Linton Johnson: It would make sense to return to Phoenix for the minimum, but that's just me theorising, and not a breaking news report.

- Kasib Powell (restricted): Played well for the Heat in summer league, and looks destined to at least go to their training camp, if not make the regular season roster.

Power forwards:

- Josh Smith (restricted): Still unsigned, as well you know. But it's hard to imagine Atlanta buggering this one up.

- Carl Landry (restricted): The Rockets are idiots if they don't re-sign him. Given that they're clearing out some salary by dumping Steve Novak, it looks as though they intend to.

- Austin Croshere: Theories abound of a Golden State return, but nothing is certain.

- Paul Davis: The Clippers renounced him, but were talking about re-signing him anyway, until news of the impending Steve Novak trade. So that probably rules Davis out.

- James Augustine: Waived by Orlando. If anyone can explain to me how a man that wasn't under contract was able to be waived, let me know.

- Othella Harrington: The knees don't work any more, so don't expect a return.

- Juwan Howard: Things are looking bleak.

- Andre Brown: Nada.

- Shavlik Randolph: Randolph didn't look too bad in his rookie season but has barely taken the court since. No suitors, as you'd expect.

- Sean Marks: Can you believe that Sean Marks has been in the league for 8 years now? 8 years??? How many games has he played in that time? Can't be more than about 14, surely. Things don't look good for a ninth year, but Phoenix seem to love veteran offensive players on minimum salary contracts, so a third year there is still plausible.

- Pat Garrity: His agent said that he (Pat, not the agent) will probably retire if he doesn't re-sign with Orlando. So he's basically destined to retire.

- Robert Horry: The Spurs don't seem to want to play any more, which leaves Horry dangerously short of options, unless the Celtics need someone to mentor Brian Scalabrine.

- Nick Fazekas: The Clippers eventually retracted his qualifying offer - with his consent - which makes Fazekas a free man. Or, if you look at it another way, a homeless man.

Centres:

- Jake Voskuhl: Doesn't even register. NBA people barely acknjowledge his existence. There is always a rush in September to sign tall "defensive" veteran centres, so Voskuhl may get work then, but any dreams of a contract similar to last year's $3 million one from the Milwaukee Bucks have gone by now. They should never have existed in the first place, really.

- Jamaal Magloire: See Voskuhl, but change it to $4 million. Maybe people are starting to recognise that he hasn't been good for about 4 years.

- P.J. Brown: I have no evidence to back this up, but given that he just won the title, wouldn't this be a good moment to call it quits?

- Dikembe Mutombo: His agent says that he won't play for the minimum, which doesn't bode well for his chances of a return to the cost cutting Rockets. That's OK - they'll still have the best defensive team in the NBA even without him.

- Francisco Elson: Was rumoured to be talking to Denver about a possible return, but the Nuggets signed Chris Andersen instead because he was cheaper. Negotiating with the Clippers.

- Robert Swift (restricted): Oklahoma City seem keen to keep him, as evidenced by the qualifying offer that they gave him, despite how little he has played in two years. Other teams seem more perturbed by Swift's incessant knee problems, perhaps rightly so. Personally, I hope it all works out great for him.

- Michael Doleac: His agent offered Doleac's services to Orlando, but do they really need another sub-par backup big man? Does anyone, in fact?

- Chris Richard (restricted): Kevin McHale makes it sound as though Richard's definitely returning. The cheap price and the lack of suitors seem to confirm this.

- Theo Ratliff: I swear I read somewhere during midseason that he intended to retire after this season, but I can't find it now, so forget that I said anything.

- David Harrison: The Pacers have ruled out re-signing him, leaving Harrison with roughly zero options.

- Earl Barron: The Heat are out of room, and Barron's not 18 years old any more. No suitors.

- Alonzo Mourning: Said "one more season" for about the fifth time, but hasn't signed yet.

- Scot Pollard: Unsigned, and not courted, which probably has something to do with the reconstructive surgery on both ankles. And also the fact that it's Scot Pollard.

- Dwayne Jones: Not expected back with Cleveland, which leaves him shit out of luck. Shame.

- Michael Ruffin: No news is normally good news, unless you're Michael Ruffin and yot're awaiting news from your agent of possible contract offers from NBA teams.

- Didier Ilunga-Mbenga: Might be invited to the Lakers training camp, or he might not. It's going to be inconsequential either way.

- Lorenzen Wright: Considering how bad he was during his two years in Atlanta - when he had 186 points, 253 rebounds and 230 fouls - I'm going to go out on a limb and say that no one will sign him. I've got a crow ready and waiting, but I think he's safe.

It's hard to think that all of that crap was in the NBA last year. Bad times.

Channing Frye's blog

noreply@blogger.com (Sham) — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 04:18:00 +0000

Is worth visiting at least once.

I prayed to God for a miracle and what happened? Free internet in the PDX airport. The time blew by. I looked at all the funny videos from the letter-opening bunny to the daily condensed soup, which I recommend for everyone to watch — it’s hilarious.

I get on the plane sit in my nice comfortable 1st class seat and to my dismay the “bubble gut monster” arose his bubbly badness inside my stomach. What I mean is that I had to lay down a huge fart. If we were outside in the woods or maybe at an all-guys party I would have tore a hole in the universe but I had to hold it. Too many people too soon and I knew it was gonna smell.

Et cetera.

All I ask for from NBA players is a semblance of personality. It's a small ask, yet one often unfulfilled by people professionally trained to be dull and boring. A small bit of personality goes a long way, particularly if you aren't very good. If you're likeable as a person, then by proxy you're more likeable as a player. This theory worked on me for Paul Shirley, Scot Pollard, Mark Pope, Andrew Bogut, Rod Benson, Yao Ming, Jalen Rose, Rasheed Wallace, Jonny Gomes, and even Ron Artest. In my book, you gain invauable bonus points for just not being dull. (Let it be known, though, that you will also lose said points for all animal cruelty charges accrued. So that definitely counts against Ron.)

Similarly, if you're completely humourless, the chances are that I won't even try to enjoy watching you play. This is why I'm always quick to defoul Josh Smith, try to avoid Cavaliers games, and why the Derrick Rose era doesn't hearten me as much as it should. (Michael Beasley is entertaining, and he's good. Let it be known that I wanted him, while also remembering that my opinion on draftees ain't worth a damn thing.)

So every time I learn of an NBA player showing signs of a personality without a hint of remorse, I'm all for you. Well done, Mr Frye. Keep writing and not being Josh Smith.

(By the way, the above "personality = good" theory doesn't particularly apply to Gilbert Arenas. He's just interfering. Points gained for trying, points lost for being annoying.)