Charles Barkley's Golf Swing

..via Scott May. (Not Sean May.)

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In the unlikely event that you haven't seen Charles Barkley's golf swing before, here it is. (Warning: if you like golf, don't even bother getting yourself worked up about this. We know. He knows.)



That wasn't just a one off, either. He's going to do it again here too.



And this time he's going to do it really slowly.



And now Tiger Woods, who's pretty decent, is going to have a go.



Fuck it, let's all have a go. In our kitchens. With a bowling pin. And our socks pulled up. And our very giggly English girlfriends who think we're great. And who can't hold a camera straight.




I can sympathise. It's weird how the mind games get in the way of a relatively simple action. Ask one of the many suffers of dartitis: sometimes, you just can't complete your action. (Kind of like me with my amateurish tenpin bowling abilities. Nowhere in the Book Of Bowling Technique does it advocate falling over to the right after letting go of the ball, or the slightly autistic arm lock that I do before each bowl. And in no way do I try to work those things into my game. But by God, they're there. It's a stupid bloody game anyway.)

Still, it's weird that a man willing to gamble so much money on his golfing ability doesn't get this slightly detrimental hitch in his swing looked at professionally. It seems worth the expense to avoid otherwise heavy losses.

(Well, that's one conclusion at least. Another more cynical theory would be to say that Barkley, a showman, has somehow honed that sack of shite over the years, purely to entertain the masses. Doubtful, but possible.)

Here's someone who DOESN'T do it for show, though - Chuck Hayes. You'll all seen the clips of his free throw shooting struggles, and by God, you're going to see them again.




Just because we can.

I wanted to follow that up with a montage of weird, awkward, incorrect and mental-block free throw techniques from players around the globe. (And by "around the globe", I mean "in the NBA".) I want to show a clip of Desmond Mason's "Shitting Dog", a montage of Tyson Chandler's various attempts over the years to overcome his own personal battle again free throw autism, the vast gaping chasm of difference between Tim Duncan's current technique and what he used to do back when he didn't suck at it, the Olden Polynice Experience (where every free throw is shot in a different style to the one before it. At least, that's what he used to do as his career ground to a halt in the ABA), and Bo Outlaw's persistently perfect attempts to draw a lane violation on at least two members of each team.

But, sadly, the NBA is really anal about things like that being on Youtube. There are no such videos out there. And it's a damn shame. Since there's no "Amusing Free Throw Technique Channel" on NBA.com, why can't we be allowed to improvise? Why be so miserable about this? Moanarses.


In place of this, here's a video of Bo Outlaw having his photo taken with some girl during warm-ups. It's not what I wanted to bring you when I set about this post with such gusto, but it's better than nothing. Maybe. She enjoyed it, at least.

Joey Dorsey loses a game that he wasn't in

Down one in the closing stages of a summer league game, new Wizards guard Dee Brown fouls Uruguay's finest, the insatiable Gustavo Barrera, sending him to the line. Barrera hits both foul shots, putting Houston up by 3.

Rockets forward Joey Dorsey - watching the game from the sidelines due to an ankle injury - briefly breaks away from his spontaneous "Who Can Wear The Worst Stripey Polo Shirt" competition with Rafer Alston, and decides to say something. The ref decides to T him up, demonstrating the elaborate technical foul calling technique that NBA scouts want to see from potenital refs. Dorsey sulks. Nick Young hits the technical free throw, and the Wizards have the ball, down two.

Andray Blatche, who has battled bravely against the desire to pass for a number of years now, throws up a tub of wank three pointer. It misses, but Brown tips it back in, and the game goes to overtime. The Wizards go on to win, and the Rockets don't. Joey Dorsey loses not only a game he wasn't in, but also the polo shirt competition, as he has no answer for Rafer's daring usage of deep red and sky blue on an otherwise predominantly white top.

(Also notice - Vladimir Veremeenko. Hooray! If these games are downloadable anywhere, then I need to know. Can't do streams, though.)


Here's what I know about Joey Dorsey - he's an idiot. Someone once told me that he's the next Ben Wallace, which re-affirms my belief on this. (And no, I'm not at all bitter about the spectacularly unsuccessful Ben Wallace signing and the collateral damage that it caused. Nope. Not at all. Totally over it.) Admittedly I don't know much about Joey Dorsey - when he made headlines for "announcing" that his college team mate Derrick Rose was not going to be drafted number 1 by Chicago in a hilarious wind-up that everyone found hilarious, it took me two weeks to find out that Joey Dorsey was a player, and not an opportunist reporter. But still. I know he's a bit of an idiot. Wikipedia agrees.

During the 2007 NCAA Men's Division I Basketball Tournament, Dorsey famously called Ohio State center Greg Oden "overrated as a big man," said that Oden "might be as good as Joey Dorsey," and called himself Goliath and Oden the "the little man." Dorsey also predicted a 20 rebound game for himself. The Buckeyes defeated the Tigers by a score of 92-76 and Dorsey finished with zero points and just four rebounds. In fact, Dorsey was so overmatched during the game that he was not able to even attempt a field goal in the 19 minutes he was on the court. As terrible as he was on the offensive end, he was as bad or worse on the defensive end. Dorsey's defensive duty was to guard Oden. Oden shot 7 for 8 from the field for 17 points and also grabbed 9 rebounds.

And now this.

The evidenced is really piling up. Joey Dorsey = a mouthy git. A bit like Stephen Jackson.

The (Supposed) First Ever WNBA Brawl

Look at them, all trying to be like men and shit! Bless!



Giggidy.

Also, because it's not worthy of its own blog post, here is a picture, via whomever, of Baron Davis and Steve Nash on a tandem bicycle, wearing clothing best described as "totally gay".



No, I don't know why either.

ICouldTakeStephenJacksonInAFight.com: just one of many NBA blogs to pad out its content with links to videos and pictures because it saves my spindly old woman's fingers from having to do any actual creative work.

Man Gets Handjob During Rays Game

I know that it's currently the really exciting NBA free agency negotiation period and all that, and that I should be providing incisive dynamic commentary on the wonders/failures of various moves. But I'd be doing you all, and myself, a great disservice if I didn't post sports related handjob videos. It's part of this site's mantra.

Coco Goes Loco

From now on, this blog will occasionally feature stuff about baseball, on account of the fact that I felt like it.

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I am a fan of the Tampa Bay Rays. I'd tell you why, but honestly I don't know. I guess I was just lured in by the false hope offered by Jorge Cantu, Joey Gathright and the sensational Seth McClung. It therefore gives me great pleasure to see them atop the American League East standings this year, after years of being fucking shite. (Note to baseball columnists everywhere - don't cite that 9 out of 10 last places stat every time. Don't dress it up any more than you have to. Tell the truth - they were fucking shite. Use asterisks if you have to.)

This week saw a three game series against the Red Sox. Tampa managed to lose them all. But that wasn't what mattered. What mattered was a damn good punch-up.



The video explains the background to the fight, but if you can't be bothered to listen to those bits, I'll explain it for you.

The Red Sox have a backup centre fielder named Coco Crisp. Everybody hates Coco Crisp. Fans of every team hate Coco Crisp. Even Red Sox fans hate Coco Crisp, albeit partly due to a bad trade that they made to get him.. The only person that doesn't hate Coco Crisp is one who can't talk. Coco Crisp is a marginal talent and a massive twat.

In the second game of the series, when Coco Crisp was making a slide into second base, Rays shortstop Jason Bartlett made a textbook block of the plate using his back leg. This is what you're supposed to when trying to tag out runners. For some unknown reason, Coco Crisp took offense to this. (This is probably because he's a massive twat.) On Crisps's next slide into a bag, he tried to hurt Rays second baseman Akinori Iwamura, much to the Rays chagrin.

Crisp then essentially baited the Rays during the post game press conference to deliberately hit him with a pitch. When the next day's starter James Shields then did this, Crisp charged the mound.

What a twat.


Now, whatever you think of baseball's unwritten rules (and personally I dislike almost all of them), it is not in question that the Rays adhered to them entirely correctly. Crisp's twatlike actions the previous day necessitated a deliberate hit-by-pitch, according to these rules, and the Rays obliged in accordance with the rules, hitting him in the leg and not the head. Yet Crisp charged the mound anyway.

Bartlett did everything correctly. Crisp then reacted like a twat. Shields then did everything correctly. Crisp then reacted like a twat. There's a pattern here, and Crisp's behaviour led to a good old fashioned brawl.


What happened after that was just funny. Bullet points:

1: I love baseball fights!

2: The actions of baseball legend Jonny Gomes have drawn ire from Red Sox fans, neutrals, and basically everybody except Jim Rome. Gomes did, after all, get in plenty of cheap shots on an already subdued Crisp. But, remember a few things.

a) Jonny Gomes is great.
b) Jonny Gomes had an opportunity to punch Coco Crisp, and, cheap shot or not, we'd all do this if we could.
c) When your team mate and friend is in a scuffle, you dive right in there, no questions asked.
d) Seriously, Jonny Gomes is great.

They were cheap shots, and his suspension (5 games) reflects this. (Crisp got the longest suspension of all 8 that were suspended, with 7 games.) But you would understand if you followed Jonny Gomes quite how fantastic he is. He steals third while weighing 250 pounds, he womanises, drinks, wrestles, boasts an enormous black cock, hits belt high fastballs over 8 million miles, says dumb shit to the media, can't hit a curve to save his life, has the art of plate discipline down to the fine art of guesswork, never turns down a fight, has a great beard, and runs amusingly in the wrong direction while playing the oufield. He's fantastic. If we could ever get his hitting to the point that he amsters basic comprehension of what pitch to swing at, then we have ourselves a champion.

Coco Crisp, meanwhile, is just a twat.

Just a bit of context there. It's a big man punching a far smaller man when the far smaller man is unable to fight back......but, at the same time, it's Jonny Gomes punching Coco Crisp. Swings and roundabouts.


3: Who said Dioner Navarro isn't a good defensive player? This was textbook subduction. (If that's a word.)

4: Apparently they don't teach boxing in Japan, because Akinori Iwamura's efforts here were ever so slightly effeminate.

5: Oh man. If only that Shields punch had landed. (Note: I say this not because I particularly wanted to see Crisp get hit in the face.....although it would be funny. It is, however, refreshing to see someone swing hard. So many mound charges are pathetic. But Shields swung, and he swung hard. This is how it should be.)

6: It is extremely weird that, after this brawl (in which Gomes, Shields and Crisp were ejected), three more HBP's took place, making 5 total for the game. Red Sox starter Jon Lester hit Iwamura and Rays left fielder Carl Crawford in their next at-bats, and it was hardly coincidental given the two's respective roles in the brawl. (All three got suspensions.) Yet Lester never got thrown out of the game, and nor did Rays reliever Al Reyes after hitting a fifth player late in the game. I think the umpires wanted to go home. But, had Lester been ejected, the Rays might have won. (OK, so probably not. But still.)

7: In the post game interviews after this game, Crisp continued to run his mouth. We're far from the end of this saga.

8: I love baseball fights!

Baron Davis < Steve Nash < Jessica Alba < Me

You may or may not have heard of the website IBeatYou.com. Perhaps not. I hadn't heard of it until the day I heard about it, either. Nonetheless, there it is, and the premise seems rather simple yet rather awesome - people challenge people to do things. Pointless yet fun things.

One such challenge is The Stare-out challenge, in which competitors are challenged to see how long they can go without blinking. I think we have all played this game at some point in our lives.

Years of playing the Command And Conquer computer game series during my slightly angst-ridden teenage years have accidentally yet beautifully made me into a legend at this rather pointless game. My school years saw random students - who had heard of my reputation in this field - challenge me in the corridor to a spontaneous game, with no preparation on my part, and I won every time. It kind of had that Houdini "I dare you to punch me at any time and I'll be able to take it" feel to it, except that I didn't at any time die from these stare-outs. Not yet, anyway.

This ability was forgotten about as I finally encountered the world of maturity. But while it was forgotten about, it wasn't gone. Roughly a year ago, I found myself one evening with nothing to do [readers note: it's something of a life theme], and decided to time myself to see how long I could go for.

I managed 8 minutes and 46 seconds, without so much as a warm-up. I only stopped for two reasons:

1: I was starting to lose sight in both eyes.
2: Youtube cap their videos at ten minutes. [Readers note: the video is no longer on Youtube, so don't even look.]



I felt proud. I felt like I had achieved something. I hadn't, but I felt like it anyway.

Then, two days ago, I learn of the ibeatyou challenge. It now feels as though I have found my destiny. My life has a purpose, one that it never had before.

Celebrities have partaken in this game, too. The lovely Jessica Alba set out her stall early, and then Steve Nash had his own slightly scary-looking attempt to beat her.






Baron Davis also had a go, but his effort was frankly shite. (His technique is all wrong. Don't hold your eyes shut like that. All it does is making the gradual dying of the pupil even more obvious, and thus even less tolerable. Rookie mistake. This is a champion talking, by the way.)




For reasons I have never figured out (it probably has something to do with the centuries-old technology on which it relies), Youtube videos have never worked on my computer. To watch them, I have always had to steal them and watch them at a later date. (Keepvid.com = a godsend.) This obstacle means that it is damn hard for me to find who the current leader is. As far as I can tell, only one entry so far tops 10 minutes.

If I can do almost 9 minutes without a warm-up, a practice, or with any sense of competition, do you really think I can't go for 15 when I've got the sweet smell of success within my grasp, and the potential adoration of literally dozens of people?

"The hell I can't."




So this is it. An imaginary gauntlet has been thrown down, and imaginary lines in make-believe sand have been made. I will win Jessica Alba's heart, earn Steve Nash's respect, and help Boom Dizzle correct the major flaws in his amateurish stare-out approach. I might even get my own Wikipedia entry, who knows.

Balls to the impending blindness. This is why we have eyes.

Expect updates on this.

The Mike D'Antoni Face

Oh God that's good.

The Bulls won the lottery

Assorted Terrible Plays For No Real Reason

This play is currently doing the rounds:



It provides a somewhat fitting conclusion to the Timberwolves dire season, and particularly that of Corey Brewer, who fouled and clanked his way to a 5.8 PPG, 3.7 RPG and 2.4 FPG rookie season, on 38% shooting. All a bit shite, really.

Still, for the hell of it, here are 5 other "Really Stupid Plays", in no particular order.


1: J.J. Redick in garbage time




2: David Wesley is garbage all the time




3: Derek Fisher to Yao Ming




4: Channing Frye does something reasonably manly for a change




5: Zach Randolph is a flat-out disgrace





Not pictured: One of any number of plays in which Drew Gooden rotates completely the wrong way on defense. People don't make highlights of those things, y'know? They should.

Another Reason Why Devin Brown Is Superb

In case I haven't sufficiently made this point yet, Devin Brown is fucking tremendeous.

And no amount of awful announcing or shocking camera work can outdo him.

Spurs sign DerMarr Johnson

Why's that interesting?

Well, after Wikipedia'ing DerMarr Johnson's name in a bid to find out when he suffered his car crash, I noticed that apparently DerMarr Johnson does a bit of rapping under a soubriquet.

This was news to me, so I took this nugget of information to Youtube to see if it was true.

And it bloody was.

Here is DerMarr, aka "Boss Slim", in the music video for a seminal smash named "Zoom", a concept with which the camera man is struggling.



If you're overwhelmed by the stagnant unoriginality of the beat, the severly played-out instrumentation of the genre, the truly inspirational soul-searching depth of the lyrics, or the rank amateurishness of the music video shot on someone's phone, you've missed the point. The point is that the Spurs just got more bling. This is a rare and special thing, given that the team's current quota of bling is more or less solely in the form of Tony Parker. And if you have ever seen Tony Parker rap, then you'll know why this was a bad thing.

There'll be a follow up post on this as and when I can be arsed.

Me And Andrew Bogut Like Andrew Bogut

A while ago - about two years, to be inexact - I wrote this:

.......one of my most extreme pet hates is the hand slapping after a free throw. It seems to lead to nothing but awkwardness. What if the free throw shooter doesn't step forward, leaving himself agonizingly out of reach of the rebounder? They're then both left to slap air. Does one of them make the final push to close the gap? Or do they leave it as an air shot? And is that a good precedent when shooting a free throw? Also, when the players come in from behind and smack the shooter on the arse, he generally is not expecting it. This often leads to them instinctively flailing out behind them to try and return the gesture, again coming up with nothing but air. Who is this helping? Does it help the shooter to do this? Do they get the feeling that his team mates are not rooting for him, unless this mindless routine is adhered to? Makes no sense to me. I would outlaw this instantly.

And I stand by it. It is, truly, an extremely gay ritual. However, I decided against a fully fledged campaign against it, for fear of its abject pointlessness being used against me.

It does appear, though, as if I have at least one supporter - Milwaukee Bucks centre Andrew Bogut.

Andrew Bogut has never been one to fear alienating himself, after incidents in the past such as deeming the majority of NBA players as being obseesed with "bling" (for which he was right), and after growing a seriously weird pony tail (for which he was oh so wrong). And seemingly his alienating worked, for not one teammate tried to touch his hands or his arse after this made free throw versus Atlanta, which is normally an automatic gesture of affection, comaraderie and slight homosexuality after every free throw, made or missed.

So he improvised.



Despite implications to the contrary on his profile - one which needs rewriting, after Bogut's recent and totally unexpected improvements in his weak side shotblocking - I like Andrew Bogut. In a league devoid of personality, Bogut has the outlines of one. And even if it's an extremely self-confident personality with the tiniest hints of martyrdom, that is, nevertheless, a personality.

In a league full Of Josh Smith's, I welcome this.

There's never a bad time to do a Dikembe Mutombo impression

Someone should have told Luis Scola who Dikembe Mutombo is before asking him to do an impression of him.

Other than that, great fun.

When the hell did Ben Wallace change his free throw shooting technique?

Tom Dore stole my thunder. Bastard.

I had this post planned as of the third quarter of the Bulls vs Bobcats game last night, and then Bulls play by play announcer Dore made the observation himself in the fourth. The git.

But anyway. Yes. Ben Wallace has changed his free throw style, and I have two crudely filmed videos to prove it. One of which I stole off Youtube, and one of which was filmed via the scientific approach of pointing my mobile phone at my monitor. Always bringing you quality.



This is the classic Ben, articulately shown with a swish to crap all over Miami's plans to deliberately foul him, thus completing their humiliating first round capitulation to a far superior Chicago team that made them look like the wanky has-beens that they are and this sentence is starting to run on a bit now by the way happy new year:


This is the new wave Wallace, with an uncharacteristic miss (just pretend that it goes in).


How about that knee bend! The stubborn bastard took a hint! Wow!

Someone get Scott Skiles on the blower and press him for answers as to how this happened. And then try and convince him to try practicing some layups.

(Seriously, does he practice them?)