Hy-pathetical Situation

You're 49-32, fighting for the 8th seed in the playoffs. The team you're battling is 48-32. Even though you have the tiebreaker, you really need to win your last game to ensure the final spot. And it's not going to be easy. It's All Hands On Dick time, with the playoff intensity needing to be in full swing.

What's the first thing that you need?

A drink, obviously.

What a really stupid time for that. A really, really stupid time. There's never a good time, but this is a particularly stupid one.

If I was earning $13 million this year, I'd get some hired help on the driving. I really would. At the very least, you'd get one of your millions of hangers-on to help you out. That's what they're there for, isn't it? Make them earn their free tickets.

It really is amazingly stupid that DUI's (or DWI's, depending on what state you're in. So to speak.) continue to be so rife in the world of professional sports. And I have no idea why it continues. At least no one died, or crashed while watching porn. So that's something.



In other NBA news, I don't know why this is funny, but it is, and it needs posting, but doesn't merit its own post. So we'll make it an addendum to this one.



I don't do captions. Apply within.

Reason No. 451 Why The Bulls Suck This Year

They were supposed to lose this game.

But, clearly, they didn't. Not even close, in fact. Rather than lose, the Bulls instead nearly set a franchise record for most points in a regulation game.

Teriffic.

Yet, I can't be annoyed at this. It may not have been the optimum result in terms of the Bulls long term future (it pains me to admit that the one draft spot they could potentially gain from losing out is the most useful thing that could possibly come out of the Bulls disastrous season now), but it was great effing fun, if nothing else. It would have been even more fun had I actually watched the game. I'm sure of that.

More inspiring still was the complete randomness of it. The fact that the Bucks have been a special kind of shit on defense all year is a well documented truth. But the fact that the team with the worst FG% in the league - and by a reasonably comfortable margin - just shot 68% in a game, is friggin' staggering. Especially coming from a team with the cohesiveness of a early morning shit after a night on the Stella, like the Bulls currently have.

However, all the time the score was being run up, I couldn't help but think that it wasn't enough. 151 points is fan-freakin'-tastic, but it pales compared to the 168 points that Denver put up earlier this season. And this made me disappointed - since when was 151 points 'remarkable', but not league leading?

It's a damn good period of the NBA's history that we currently live in where things like this can happen.



Also, some individual performances need some praise and some scorn. The statline of Ramon Sessions no doubt jumps at you. His 24 assists is not quite an NBA rookie record, for the record is 25, jointly held by Nate McMillan and some guy called Ernie DiGregorio. But it's definitely the rookie record of recent times, surpassing Jamaal Tinsley's rookie effort of 23 in a game, back in the days when he used to pass first. (Note: I am going off of memory here, and didn't look to check if any rookie had topped that mark since.) So this effort pushes Tinsley further out of sight and out of mind, which can only be a good thing.

Unfortunately, to look at Sessions's effort, properly, you need some context. The first 20+ point and 20+ assist game in Bucks history was undermined somewhat by Chris Duhon's statline of 15 assists with 0 turnovers, along with scoring 22 points on 9 shots. All of this took place in 14 less mintes than what Sessions played. Had he played the same amount of minutes as Sessions (44), he almost certainly would have had better overall numbers than Sessions did.

And this is a bad thing, because this is Chris Duhon we're talking about. Chris Duhon, in his penultimate game as a Chicago Bull, no less. Duhon's tenure with the Bulls has always been highlighted by the occasional staggeringly brilliant performance, be it his triple double versus Charlotte, his eight made three pointers versus Atlanta, or his 38 point game versus the Warriors this season. Every four months or so, he turns in a performance so dominating that you can't help but wonder what it is that makes him so shit for the other 80 games of the season. And tonight, he has done this again. But this is no excuse for Sessions to let him put up numbers of such magnitude - it is, after all, Chris Duhon. At some point, you have to make him look like the shitty point guard that he is.

Also, who would have thought that one of the most high scoring games of the past decade could have possibly involved Michael Ruffin logging significant minutes? (I had an interesting follow-up point to this, but Muffin ruined it by scoring the final basket of the game, to finish with a mesmeric 2 points. Bastard. By the way, for those who still haven't got the memo, Michael Ruffin is the worst offensive player of all time. His profile proves this.)

For points per shot fans such as myself, this game was a stunner. For Bulls fans such as myself, this game was polarising. For Bucks fans, this game was more of the same - you know what you're getting by now, and you don't like it, but at least Sessions gives you false hope. (I'd trade him by the next deadline if I were you. Sell high. See also: Tinsley, Jamaal.) And for Chris Duhon fans, you get one final chance to see your hero in action for the team that will probably constitute 80% of his entire NBA career.

So, something for everybody there.

Wow, NBA fans are really spectacularly crap.

On Saturday afternoon, I went to a non-league football match. Football is a sport that we have in this country, which involves people kicking a ball with their foot (hence the name). It's a tremendous sport of flair, innovation and foul language, which unites the whole entire world in its single minded appreciation of how wonderful the beautiful game is.

(There is an American variant out there called "soccer", but it is marred by terrible broadcasting, stupid gimmicks, and a seriously shite standard of play. It is not recommended.)

The game was between Tonbridge Angels and Oxford United, an F.A. Trophy first round match. Oxford United were at home, which meant for us Angels fans a day trip out to a 12,000 seater stadium. For those unaware, Oxford United were good, back in the day. Then they went bankrupt. A man named Kassam saved them, bailed out the finances, and built them a big stadium. But it hasn't done the team much good, and they have since fallen out of the Football League (and also fallen out with Kassam, although they are stuck with the stadium named after him). They're also now flat broke again.

Despite the team not befitting the stadium that houses them, the importance of the event and size of the stadium made it a highly entertaining day out for us visitors. The official attendance for the game was 1547, and if you don't know what having 1547 people in a stadium that seats 12,000 looks like, then either watch the Florida Marlins at home, or look at the picture below:




Of the 1547 people to attend, about 220 were Tonbridge Angels fans who had travelled a helluva long way to support their team. These 220 people gave great voice, and showed the world (or at least, the rest of the world that was there) quite what being a sports fan is about.

Chants were everywhere. The songs were not particularly intelligent, and a lot of them were not politically correct. But dammit, was it fun. Songs included "Tommy Warrinow's Blue And Red Army", "Your Support Is Fucking Shit", "Did you sleep in until half time?", "CRAAAAAAAACK!!!" (toward the Oxford goalkeeper Billy Turley, who once failed a drugs test), "Who needs Mourinho, we've got Tom Warri-low", "Someone nicked your other stand" (in reference to the way that Oxford's stadium has, bizarrely, only three sides), and the mighty "who are we? TONBRIDGE!" chant that aired regularly.

That selection is merely tip-of-the-iceberg type stuff. Songs were being invented on the fly, with about 50 invented in all. The Oxford supporters in the other two stands eventually chimed in, and a call-and-response got going, with the Tonbridge faithful ridiculing the dismal turnout of the Oxford fans which such seminal smashes as "We Forgot You Were Here" and the aforementioned slightly rude one about their support, while Oxford fans responded in kind with jibes at Tonbridge's amateur status.

It was all good natured fun, brought to you by people who actually care about the teams on show. They care so much that they willingly travelled for hours to get to the place, just to stand around outside in the frankly arctic weather, in a largely desolute stadium in the city's ugly industrial suburbs, drinking Bovril out of a paper cup, and shouting for sustinence. The health and safety man may keep ordering you to sit down, but you don't, because you're enthused and genuinely interested in the action. He eventually relents, not wanting to piss on your strawberries. The old man alongside you with mild tourettes screams enthusiastically at any mildly interesting piece of action (usually random shouts of "Hey! Ho!"), and the ambitiously dressed middle aged woman to his right hisses the word "shit!" in a really sinister way every time your team loses possession. At stoppages in play, you chant out your players names, daring them to signal acknowledgement of your chant. And when they do, you woop with joy. You cheer, wail, antagonise, ridicule, toot air horns, throw your apparel with pride, and just generally make your own entertainment, while always fixated on the action.



You don't get any of that in the NBA.

Instead, you get arena music. *BOOM BOOM* "Defense!!!!!", and the like.

You get signs telling you when to make noise, and 'entertainment' ushered onto and off the court with military precision every time play stops for more than 10 seconds.

You get an experience, but you don't get to enjoy yourself. You do what you're told, and you're told to do everything.

There's a reason that Golden State Warriors fans managed to put on such a spectacular showing during their first round playoff matchup against Dallas last year - it's because they gave a shit. And they didn't care who knew it.

The NBA isn't faaaaaaan-tastic until people start being fans. This means passion. And passion doesn't generally involve sitting down, clapping appropriately.

Forget the family experience that the NBA looks for when selling tickets. Let's start stocking these arenas with people who will actually want to be there, and who will follow the action without prompting. Instead of banks of seats filled with people sitting down eating, let's have people up and cheering, singing, bringing atmosphere into a place that's supposed to ooze it from every turnstile. Let's not have 46 minutes of gentle appreciation and two minutes of giving a toss.

If you don't think this is possible in a game of basketball, watch the Euroleague some time.

(And don't sell alcohol at the venues, either. Lest we forget what happened three years ago.)

(By the way, I've never been to an NBA game. This ignorance may or may not be painfully obvious in the above. I hope not.)

30 teams in 36 or so days: Golden State

Golden State

Players acquired via free agency or trade:

Austin Croshere (one year minimum)
Troy Hudson (one year minimum)
Kosta Perovic (previous draft pick, 3 years, $5.832 million)




Players acquired via draft:

First round: Brandon Wright (8th overall), Marco Belinelli (18th overall)
Second round: Stephane Lasme (46th overall)



Players retained:

Matt Barnes (re-signed, 1 year, $3 million), Kelenna Azubuike (re-signed, 2 year minimum)




Players departed:

Sarunas Jasikevicius (bought out, to sign in Europe), Adonal Foyle (bought out, signed with Orlando), Mickael Pietrus (unsigned, restricted, will probably re-sign but I didn't know which category to put it in), Zarko Cabarkapa (left unrestricted, unsigned), Josh Powell (left unrestricted, signed with Clippers), Jason Richardson (traded to Charlotte)





Bobbins:

I would like to extend a hearty apology to Golden State Warriors Vice President of Basketball Operations, Chris Mullin. In the early part of his time as GM (I'm not typing "Vice President of Basketball Operations" every time, "GM" will do), I ragged on the bastard somewhat mercilessly for his personel moves. And it seemed justified. Inheriting a pretty poor team. Mullin did not do much to improve that, but did spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on re-signing his core players. In an 18 month period from his hiring in April 2004 to October 2005, Mullin gave out enormous contracts to Mike Dunleavy Jr, Jason Richardson, Troy Murphy, Adonal Foyle and Derek Fisher, contracts which totalled a mindboggling $261 million for only 5 players (two of whom came off the bench). The only surprise was that he didn't give a similarly insane contract to Erick Dampier, a free agent who did get an oversized contract, but with Dallas.

Mullin's excessive spending forced him to then cut some salary, making moves such as having to deal a first round pick along with Eduardo Najera to Denver for next to nothing, just to be able to avoid the tax threshold. He pigeon-holed himself into a corner, having to sacrifice assets to keep within budget, all for a late lottery team. Things were looking bleak, and some people questioned (rather harshly) whether Chris had gotten back on the drink. Those people will go to hell, partly for their poor ethics, but also for just not being funny.

But Chris Mullin and the Golden State Warriors will not go to hell. Somehow - and this surprises no one more than it does me - Mullin has turned the situation around. The contracts of all of the above players have been gotten rid of (while Foyle is still being paid for three more years, his buyout leaves the Warriors paying a not-too-excessive amount to him, and the 30%-ish savings make the buyout an entirely worthwhile venture), and the only questionable contracts remaining are those of Stephen Jackson, Al Harrington and Baron Davis. And in even, in all three instances there, a case could be made that each player is receiving market value, or only a small amount above it.

The Warriors now have the league's 29th highest payroll (not counting Pietrus), which, when phrased more sensibly, means that they have the second lowest payroll around. Players such as Andris Biedrins and Monta Ellis still have big pay days yet to come, but Golden State is now in a position where they can pay the players that deserve big pay days, because they have freed themselves of the players that didn't.

Not just shedding payroll, Mullin has continued to bring in quality players, making very good draft selections such as Biedrins and Ellis to go along with minimum salary finds such as Matt Barnes and Big Lenny Sambuca. He has cleaned out the crap that previously permeated his roster, and continued to pack it with prospects.

And it all began with the can't-miss Baron Davis deal, in which Mullin traded Speedy Claxton and Dale Davis's expiring contract to New Orleans for Davis, who has since had a rebirth of sorts under new Warriors head coach Don Nelson. Despite the occasional slip-up (drafting Patrick O'Bryant and the Mike Montgomery era to name but two), it's been relatively all gravy since then, and the Warriors boast a young and

So well played, Mr Mullin sir. You join an elite group of GM's who can undo previous mistakes without making future ones, and therefore now have distinct seperation between yourself and the McHale/Thomas's of this world. Congratulations.


Now that all that bumlicking is out of the way, let's use less general terms and stick to this past offseason. A relatively tame one given the venom with which it began, Mullin added to his young talent on draft night by obtaining Brandan Wright, Marco Belinelli and Stephane Lasme, all of whom have joined the Warriors straight away. The big savings opened up by moving the salary of Jason Richardson - who was becoming largely expendable away - allow the Warriors more of the previously mentioned financial flexibility that they now enjoy. And as a result, the Warriors can boast a young core that rivals or surpasses that of most other teams in the NBA. They have at least one young talent at every position - often two - with a team crafted to be playoff calbire now, yet even better in the future.

Most importantly, they retained Don Nelson. A frowned-upon signing at the time, Nelson gave the young Warriors team something that they never had before - an identity. They quickly became a fast paced team with a flowing offensive system, not entirely unlike the system previously employed by Nelson during his time at Dallas. This team became one of the better stories in the NBA last year, and scored an upset for ages when they beat Dallas in round one, becoming the first #8 seed to beat a #1 seed in a seven-game series. Which was fun. Where I live, we have an expression for that: "f'in creamed the bastards".

It came apart in the second round, but it still marked a successful season for the franchise, the first for a hell of a long time.

This offseason was of building upon that, to decent effect. The Kevin Garnett whispers came to nothing, but then, that was somewhat expected. You could say that it's something of a disappointment as a fan to hear that Kevin Garnett might be coming to town, yet you wind up with Austin Croshere instead. It's a fair point. But the Warriors have not disappointed in any way, improving their roster slightly and upgrading for the future, while keeping the coach that made last season one to remember.

And what's more, they signed Troy Hudson. I mean, WOW!

(OK, so now I'm taking the piss. But the rest stands.)



Next season:

There is no real reason to suggest that the strategy that got the Warriors to the playoffs last season would not be successful once again. And with only one significant change in the rotation taking place, the Warriors have good continuity going into next season, not least from the return of Nelson. The loss of Jason Richardson should be reasonably offset by the continued improvement of Monta Ellis, the addition of Marco Belinelli (and no I'm not making the obvious surname comparison between him and Don Nelson), and the re-positioning of Stephen Jackson.

Whether the Warriors have the multi-dimensionalness to beat most teams in the playoffs is another question. The addition of Brandan Wright should help their rebounding problem (the Warriors sported the worst rebounding deficiency in the NBA last season, at -5.0), but they remain a poor rebounding and defensive team, once again relying too much upon Andris Biedrins's foul situation to win games. And as any old fart will tell you, these things count double in the playoffs.

Still, win lose or draw, the Warriors and Nellieball will be as entertaining as ever. They won't replicate the storybook nature of last season, but they figure to have a similar level of success, Still outgunned and outsized in the stronger West, the Warriors aren't a home court advantage team, but they're in a better situation for the future than most of their peers.

And it's mainly down to Chris Mullin. Jesus. That's something I'd never thought I would say.