Each of these takes about 90 minutes to write. We're now on entry number 39. That means that I've spent roughly 60 hours over these past 6 weeks writing updates on the careers of assorted insignificant basketball players. That's kind of impressive, and kind of pathetic. Oh well. Only 30 hours left.
- Smush Parker started the season in the D-League, averaging 17.3 points, 4.5 rebounds, 7.5 assists and an almighty 5.1 turnovers per game for the Rio Grande Valley Vipers. He then pissed off to China, where he may have become literally the only American import whose numbers went down in the CBA. Parker averages 13.3 points, 4.9 rebounds, 4.0 assists and 3.2 steals for Guandong, numbers that are pretty unimpressive in purely relative terms. Luckily for Smush, I don't know his Chinese turnover numbers.
- I don't know what Cherokee Parks does now, but his sister Corey is no longer the bass player for seminal hard rock band Nashville Pussy, and hasn't been for about 8 years. Another really useful update for you here. Be grateful.
- Marlon Parmer spent some time earlier this season playing backup point guard for the Colorado 14ers, averaging 8.0 points and 3.6 assists, but was waived in January and has not signed elsewhere since.
- Ruben Patterson hasn't had a great couple of years. After a career year with the Bucks in the final year of his big contract, all Ruben could manage for the 2007/08 season was an unguaranteed minimum salary contract with the Clippers. He was then waived before the contract guarantee date, and didn't catch on with a playoff team. Patterson then joined the Nuggets for preseason this year, but never really had a legitimate shot at making the team, as the cost-cutting Nuggets didn't really want any of their five signings (despite having two open roster spots) because it would mean spending money to keep them. Patterson was subsequently waived, and hasn't signed elsewhere since, after a rumoured move to Spain didn't come off. Will he catch on with a playoff team for this deadline? Who knows. The Celtics, amongst others, could use him. But they won't have roster space once the deal for Stephon Marbury goes down, and for all of Marbury's faults, he's not the registered sex offender that Patterson is. You can't fault a team if they find that to be a severe detriment to signing him. So I'd guess that Ruben goes unsigned, again.
- Andre Patterson averaged 4.2 points and 2.7 rebounds in 10 games for the Reno Bighorns, got waived, then joined up with The Arse, where he currently averages 2.1 points and 2.8 rebounds in 11 games. In those combined 21 games, he has 74 points, 58 rebounds and 47 fouls. Not great.
- Rickey Paulding is with EWE Oldenburg, a German basketball team that also fosters elderley sheep. Paulding averages 14.1 points and 5.0 rebounds in the EuroChallenge for Oldenburg, who are still going strong in the competition, as well as 15.2 points and 4.5 rebounds in German league play. He leads the team in scoring in both competitions.
- Gary Payton is now appearing on NBA TV, where I am informed that he is cringeworthily bad. However, I've never seen him, and thus should not pass judgement. Not that this usually stops me.
- Anthony Peeler last played in December 2005 for Akasvayu Girona in Spain. He is now an assistant coach for Virginia Union University. Did you know that Anthony Peeler collects hats? Me neither, until just now. This is the kind of vital information that I'm committed to bringing you.
- Nikola Pekovic, Timberwolves draft pick this past summer, is with Panathinaikos in Greece. Pecker is averaging 12.1 points and 3.7 rebounds in 17.5 minutes a game in the Euroleague, alongside 11.5 points and 3.3 rebounds in 15.4 minutes per game in the Greek league. Great scoring rate, particularly for a 6'11 player, but work a bit harder on the boards, sir. I read somewhere sometime that the Timberwolves plan on bringing in Peckerwood in the summer of 2010, which in theory gives them a nie young big rotation of Pekovic, Al Jefferson and Kevin Love. But God only knows how that's going to work out on defense.
- Ben Pepper - who never left Oceania, apart from a very brief stint in the ABA at the turn of the century - is currently unsigned, and was for the whole of the past NBL (Australian league) season. I'm assuming he's retired, but can't find any proof of this.
- Finally, Kosta Perovic is averaging 11.2 points and 5.0 rebounds in 19.5 minutes per game for Valeniva in the Eurocup. That's quite good, and a hell of a lot more than Perovic showed with the Warriors last year.
(This entry took less than an hour. Nice. That gives me plenty of time to do other things. I'm now off to precariously balance some big things on top of some smaller things.)
1: The following Youtube video has done the rounds recently, showing an impressive double alleoop in a highly one-sided high school game.
That clip reminded me of this one, featuring the Los Angeles Clippers's "overloaded with potential" era, specifically Darius Miles and Lamar Odom. (Also, is it Sean Rooks throwing that frontcourt pass? I think so.)
Since Kevin Calabro left us, Ralph Lawler has assumed the title of Best Announcer Of Any NBA Team. If ever you forget that, watch this clip. Great freaking call, Ralph. Great call.
2: While looking for that clip, I also found this one.
I loved that so-called "Jail Blazers" team. Loved it. There was just so much talent on it, so much depth, and so much athleticism (which, not matter how much you appreciate skill, is something that makes the game more fun. As evidenced by this clip). That particular Blazers team also had Steve Kerr and Chris Dudley, two all time favourites of mine. It was great times all around. But it's a bit odd, when you think about it. All but one Blazer in this clip is now out of the league. Derek Anderson is unsigned. Bonzi Wells is in China. Ruben Patterson is unsigned. Scottie Pippen is kicking 50's door down. (Not 50 Cent, but the age.) Kerr is the Suns General Manager now, and Chris Dudley is Kevin Love's mentor. (Well, he was, briefly.) Rasheed Wallace is still with us, but not the same Rasheed Wallace as we see today, and the rest of the roster not seen in this clip (Damon Stoudamire, Dale Davis, Shawn Kemp, Erick Barkley, Mitchell Butler, Ruben Boumtje Boumtje, Rick Brunson) are all out of the league. The only ones that aren't are Sheed and Zach Randolph, then a deep bench player on a deep bench. Admittedly, this clip is seven years old, and so 13 of the 15 players being out of the league seven years on should not be a surprise.....but it just doesn't feel right, does it?
3: Speaking of Darius Miles, congratulations on him playing his tenth game, and playing it bloody well.
a) Is this evidence of Dallas realising that this core isn't working, and isn't going to work, so saving some money and thinking 2010 might not be a bad idea right now? I hope so. There's literally no potential for internal improvement right now. Gerald Green, J.J. Barea and Shawne Williams don't constitute a young core. And you'll have to keep Brandon Bass first before he counts.
b) Are there any more overpaid backup centres on long term contracts that the Bobcats can bring in to fight for the ten minutes behind Emeka Okafor? Is two (Diop and Nazr Mohammed - going to enough? Can we goad them into a move for Dan Gadzuric? Spend their full MLE on Fabricio Oberto? No? Pity.
5: It's a shame that the Nets realised that they stood to gain absolutely nothing from the Larry Hughes/Bobby Simmons & Maurice Ager swap, because otherwise the Bulls were in danger of pulling off a good move. It's also a shame, though, that talks seemed to break down over the Nets' insistence on including either Tyrus Thomas or Yannick Noah in the deal. Now come on, Thorneweghe. Give them some credit. You don't dump your sole semblance of a future frontcourt, however unsatisfying it may be, just to move Larry Hughes. And more importantly, you don't need Tyrus Thomas. You've already got Stromile Swift. They're basically the same, right?
6: Speaking of, why does everyone seem so interested in Sean Williams? What is he good at other than blocking the occasional shot, and being friends with insanely annoying British whiggers? Williams is simply not that skilled, and he compounds that with an apparent attitude problem (as evidenced at the D-League showcase, where he turned up only technically). Athleticism does not equal talent, and Sean Williams has lots of one and not enough of the other.
7: Hopefully, the Grizzlies firing Marc Iavaroni will lead to a change in philosophy. What's the point of creating a team with two point guard (Mike Conley and Kyle Lowry) who thrives when pushing the ball, then starting two great athletes like O.J. Mayo and Rudy Gay (hehe) on the wings, having a similarly athletic power forward in Darrell Arthur and a high flying sixth man like Hakim Warrick, just to then be 22nd in the league in pace? Memphis should be pushing the ball. They're young, athletic, have enough of a halfcourt option in Marc Gasol to get by, and have just enough rebounding to run a reasonably successful running game. (More than the Warriors do, anyway.) To make them grind out meticulous and rather ineffective halfcourt sets doesn't seem to be working, so play to the team's strengths. At the very least, their trade values will go up. And you might even win more.
8: Heartfelt condolences to Utah Jazz owner Larry Miller, who had half of both his legs amputated, and to long time Bulls staple Johnny 'Red' Kerr, who has been diagnosed with prostate cancer.
In case you missed it, a story "broke" (if that's the right way to phrase something that's been around, but underacknowledged, since about 1998) NBA legend Karl Malone knocked up a 13 year old girl when he was a college player. Why this has gone past us so quietly is a mystery, but it does seem to be just one more in a long list of recent NBA sex scandals. And so here is that list.
Stories listed in no particular order.
LIST OF NBA PLAYERS (and owners) IN RAPE/WEIRD NAUGHTY SEX STUFF SCANDALS:
1 - Karl Malone: See above.
2 - Bryant Matthews: Former Raptor (for about a week) only got out of jail earlier this year for a rape charge in which he walked in on his friend and his friend's girlfriend having sex in a hotel room, and stuck his fingers in her lovely lady lump. His in-court defense was "[I] thought she was cool with it". Apparently she wasn't. Served nine months.
3 - DeShawn Stevenson: Had consensual sex with a 14 year old when he was 20, which isn't rape in the she-didn't-want-it sense, but which is clearly statutory. Pleaded no contest to sex with a minor. Was sentenced to 2 years probation and 100 hours of community service, which somewhat sadistically was served at a "Boys And Girls" club.
4 - Ruben Patterson: Sentenced to a year in jail (all but 15 days of which were suspended) after pleading no contest to an attempted rape charge on his nanny. Allegedly, she came in to find Patterson standing naked, masturbating. He then forced her to gigoogidy his gerschmoigin, and ejaculated within seconds. Only then did he let her leave. Allegedly. Also fined $100,000 by the Blazers, which seemed a little ironic since they'd just given him $35 million, even with this charge hanging over him. Additionally received 2 years probation, a $5,000 fine and had to pay the nanny.
5 - Chris Webber and Juwan Howard: Accused of sexual assault. Jury decided not to indict. Howard later sued the accuser, won, and donated his $100,000 settlement to a rape crisis centre.
6 - Ron Mercer, Antoine Walker and Chauncey Billups: Details on this are sparse, but apparently they were sued for rape. Why would you sue for rape? Why wouldn't you press charges? I don't get it. Either way, no charges were brought, and an out-of-court settlement was reached. (The incident took place at Walker's home, where - allegedly - he walked in on the act, and declined his housemate Michael Irvin's invitation to dive right in there. Strange times.)
7 - Andray Blatche: Arrested and charged with solicitation. Was sentenced to attend a day's seminar on the dangers of prostitution, which seems like no punishment whatsoever.
8 - Kwame Brown: Accused of sexual assault after a playoff game. No charges brought due to a lack of evidence. The woman in question admitted to a consensual encounter, and then apparently it got less consensual. But that doesn't explain why she then hung around for hours afterwards.
9 - Kobe Bryant: Yeah, you know this story. Case dropped in criminal court, settlement reached in civil court.
10 - Jahidi White: Investigated for sexual assault. Details extremely absent. No charges. (Rumour has it that it involved a nude Oriental lady and a fat white chick. And lots of crying. Allegedly.)
11 - Julius Hodge: Accused of sexual assault on a Denver woman. The woman claimed that, after driving her back to her house after being at a club, Hodge forced her onto the bed and tried to rape her. No charges were brought due to lack of evidence. The woman was then jailed for violating her concurrent probation by being out that late.
12 - Michael Olowokandi: Sued for rape by a woman who claims that the encounter led to the less-than-immaculate conception. Can't seem to find out what became of this.
13 - Mo Peterson, Cliff Robinson, Juwan Howard again: All sued at some point for allegedly deliberating infecting someone with herpes. In Juwan's case, it happened twice. The suit against Robinson was for an enormous $20 million, and tests showed that he did (does?) indeed have it. (The herpes, not the $20 million.)
14 - Sam Cassell: Accused of rape way back in 1996. No charges brought.
15 - Elden Campbell: Sued for an apparent date rape, in which he allegedly drugged someone before raping them. I don't know what became of this, because it was back in 1997, and my only source of research is the internet. And the internet wasn't much back in 1997. But obviously not much came of it, or else we would have known about it. Date rape is a pretty bloody serious allegation, after all.
16 - Latrell Sprewell: Investigated for sexual assault after apparently choking a woman he was having consensual sex with on his boat. Don't know what became of this, which implies that it was probably nothing. (But he did later have the boat repossessed.)
17 - Donald Sterling: Admitted to paying a woman for sex for a numbers of years. The story offered up some awesome quotes.
18 - George Shinn: Accused of a kidnapping-for-sex charge, after allegedly luring a woman whom he knew was addicted to prescription drugs to his home, and shagging her. Admitted to having sex with her, but said it was consensual. No criminal charges were brought, and acquitted in civil court.
19 - Bobby Simmons: Arrested for misdemeanour fourth degree assault after allegedly fondling the breasts of a woman who got into his car in the early hours of the morning, and then punching her in the face. Charges not brought due to lack of evidence.
20 - Bernard Robinson Jr: Arrested and charged with assault and battery on a female student after touching her up in a stairwell. Sentenced to a year's probation which included such terms as a written letter of apology, never talking to the girl again, being fined $850, complete abstention from drugs and alcohol, and being forced to partcipiate in sex offender "screening" to see if he had serial sex offender tendencies. That must have been soul destroying.
21 - Justin Williams: Accused of rape. Later dropped. It never became official, but his lawyer alluded to the fact that he did nail the chick while on camera, which would have been rather conclusive in a court of law as to the level of consensual loving.
22 - Calvin Murphy: Former player and Rockets announcer accused of sexual abuse by 5 of his illegitimate children (he has 14 kids, 11 illegitimate). Jury acquitted him in less than two hours. But he lost his job and his reputation, so the damage was done.
23 - Eddie Johnson: "Fast" Eddie Johnson (not the other Eddie Johnson, the sixth man award winner, but the one who is a former Hawks player) was accused of sexual assault on an 8 year old girl. As far as I can tell, he is awaiting sentencing, but that may be wrong.
24 - Nick Anderson: Accused of rape. Held a press conference on the subject in which he cried a lot,
Add any of your own. (Not "add any of your own rape charges", but "add any of your own submissions for NBA players sex scandals that I may have missed.)
Greg Ostertag is still retired, and recently got spotted at a Kansas Jayhawks game. This isn't relevant to anything.
Bo Outlaw was waived by the Magic right at the start of the regular season, as a necessary concurrent part of the surprisingly successful Maurice Evans trade. (Maurice Evans! Starter on a playoff team! Glue guy! Good shooter! Who knew! Exclamation!). Since then, Bo has been hired to work in the Magic's community relations department, which is probably a precursor to a more official retirement.
Sticking with the theme of "Crappy Unskilled Magic Big Men", Olumide Oyedeji averaged 18.0 points and 15.2 rebounds for the Liaoning Panpan Hunters in China, the country's second best team. However, for the sake of reference, let it be known that Soumalia Samake averaged 18.2 and 15.2 rebounds. So the competition looks pretty bad.
Also, here's some bonus Olumide Oyedeji information - one of the obscure satellite TV channels over here is called "BEN". I think it is supposed to be a rip-off of the more famous "BET". Either way, all this channel seems to air is home video footage of black people arguing loudly while a TV blares in the background. (BEN seems like the kind of broadcasting ably suited for the role of "TV background noise", so maybe that's why.) At least once a month, they have a show called "Basketball", which does what it promises. A few years ago, this segment used to feature ABA games, which helped hone my knowledge of such basketball pioneers as Ace Custis, Willie (not Wilson) Chandler, and Darryl Dawkins's wardrobe. In recent times, though, they have taken to showing the same game over and over again - Nigeria versus Egypt, from 2004. This game is amusing to watch, which is probably why they air it so much. All of the action is brought to us from the same one camera angle, in a completely empty gym, filled with a strage haze. It's kind of like watching summer league. The Nigerians play the game like it's netball for the entire game, while the Egptians repeatedly use about 5 seconds of each shot clock before getting a brick in the air. The calibre of the basketball on offer is enough to make Hemingway weep. And in this game are Olumide Oyedeji, and Gabe Muoneke.
I know you're jealous.
Robert Pack's last professional basketball gig was for Zalgiris in Lithuania three years ago, when he was kicked off of the team for this punch.
Scott Padgett ended last season with Granada in Spain, but did not play this year. I don't know why.
Milt Fellatio Palacio has spent the season with Partizan Belgrade, where he just won the Euroleague MVP for March. If you can believe that. (Euroleague is the highest calibre of European play, for those unaware.)
Adam Parada is playing for Red Bull Barako in the Phillipines. This is him in action only two days ago. (Parada is number 55, in red. The big fella.) WARNING - Video contains excitable Phillipino girls screaming really loudly for no reason. ANOTHER WARNING - Parada doesn't really do anything in the video except sit down.
Marlon Parmer signed just today for Al Rayyan in Qatar. A few days ago, I spent the best part of an hour researching whether Marlon Parmer is left handed or right handed, in order to update his profile that no one will ever look at. I finally found the answer after finding a Youtube video of his first practice with the Estonian team that he played for last season. I can't believe how fucking long I wasted on that. But, for those interested, the answer is, he's left handed.
Ruben Patterson surprisingly did not get signed for the playoffs, and remains unemployed.
Andre Patterson also did not get signed for the playoffs, but that was less of a surprise. Patterson is a member of the Dakota Wizards of the D-League, where he totalled 12 points and 10 rebounds in 2 games.
Rickey Paulding is playing for Oldenburg in Germany, where he averages a team high 13.1 points per game.
It's difficult to convey how I feel about the Bucks offseason and recent past without stealing too much directly from my own recent blog entry.
So that's exactly what I'll do.
After a poor 2004-05 season in which they finished with a disappointing 30-52 record, the Bucks beat long odds to win the lottery, and also had maximum cap room available to them. This offseason, they once again had potentially maximum cap room, and a high pick (number 6) in a supposedly powerhouse draft.
Once again, they have not taken advantage.
2005's offseason yielded Andrew Bogut with the number 1 overall pick, one of the better players of a weak draft but far from the best. The cap space was spent on re-signing Michael Redd to a maximum contract (decide amongst yourselves whether it was worth it, but the correct answer is "not really"), signing the Most Improved player of the previous season (Bobby Simmons) to a $46.4 million contract only to then see him miss one season and disappoint in the other, and re-signing Dan Gadzuric to a considerably overpriced deal, all while letting the considerably younger, considerably cheaper and considerably better Zaza Pachulia sign with Atlanta, unchallenged.
This offseason brought much of the same: they signed another starting small forward in Desmond Mason, who figures to not only make the Simmons signing look that much worse, but who should also be roughly the equal of the man he is replacing - Ruben Patterson - and signed Jake Voskuhl to compete with/replace Gadzuric at the backup center spot. Voskuhl, too, figures to be the mere equal of the guy he has replaced, the unheralded Brian Skinner. (OK, so "unheralded" is a blatant embellishment. But you know what I mean.)
In addition to the disappointments in free agency, the Bucks also had an ongoing saga with their draft choice at number 6, Yi Jianlian, whose agents and 'people' warned Milwaukee that their client did not want to play there, going as far as refusing to let Bucks personel watch a private workout conducted by Yi. The Bucks took the risk and drafted him anyway, and much dalliance ensued. It ended reasonably amicably, as Yi has signed his rookie contract and will join the team as normal. But it is reported that he does so only after obtaining a minimum playing time guarantee. And that's.....bizarre.
Charlie Bell, one of the few bright spots over the last two years (an under-the-radar find by General Manager Larry Harris, a man who is quite good at doing that), has been subjected to his own soap opera with the Bucks this offseason. A restricted free agent combo guard, Bell had to take a back seat as the Bucks prioritised the re-signing of unrestricted guard Maurice Williams (who, for what it's worth, has the same agent as Bell), and also had no choice but to look on as Milwaukee spent the rest of their cap space on Desmond Mason and Jake Voskuhl (who, for what it's worth, also has the same agent as Bell). This probably unsettled Charlie a bit - if a team spends the salary slot that they should be using on you to instead sign a 10mpg back up center, you're entitled to interpret that as a bit of a kick in the balls.
Nevertheless, the Bucks kept Bell as a restricted free agent, not renouncing him as they did with everybody else (except Ersan Ilyasova), and continued to negotiate with him. Bell turned down all offers made to him by Milwaukee, but never signed an offer sheet with another club, despite playing the field a bit to try and force Milwaukee to increase their offer. Milwaukee didn't - at least, not by enough for Bell, who turned down Milwaukee's reported final offer of 3 years and $9 million. And now Bell's all but gone, leaving Milwaukee with Lynn Greer, Ramon Sessions and David Noel as backup guards for next year. They can, they will and they should do something about that before the season starts, but with only the minimum salary to work with, that's not a good result from what started out as near-maximum cap room.
All in all, something of a cock-up this offseason. Even the bits that went well only did so via a roundabout method.
The Bucks's championship aspirations last season were marred by two rather important drawbacks:
a) Everybody seemed to get injured b) They were a terrible defensive team.
The only Bucks players to play more than 68 games last year were Patterson and Bell. The only Bucks players to play much defense last year were Patterson, Bell and Brian Skinner.
Those three have all left the team.
Replacing them are Desmond Mason, a player that Milwaukee need not have ever lost in the first place were it not for the extremely poor Jamaal Magloire trade of October 2005, and a man scheduled to play Ruben Patterson's former role to a lesser standard than Ruben Patterson did (but hey, at least Mase isn't a registered sex offender!). Jake Voskuhl replaces Brian Skinner and, while he's not a particularly good one, Jake has an outside chance at being the Bucks best defensive player this season. If he sees the court, that is. And as mentioned above, Charlie Bell and Earl Boykins have not been replaced, leaving the Bucks very thin in the backcourt behind the starters.
This rather unsuccessful shuffling of personel leaves a lot of pressure and expectation on the Bucks' young big man trio of Andrew Bogut, Charlie Villanueva and Yi Jianlian. In the coming season or two, one - or preferably more than one - of these players has to step up, break out, and assume the franchise mantle. Villanueva and Bogut have the talent to do so, but both suffered disappointing sophomore seasons in which they did not make particularly significant improvements to their games, albeit with both missing a lot of games due to injury. However, all the opportunity they can handle is once again available to them (unless you think Jake Voskuhl was signed to be a regular starter. In which case, you're an idiot), and the Milwaukee franchise goes as far as they do. Milwaukee needs them to succeed for this current era to be going anywhere.
If they don't, the Bucks will once again be an offense-only team, led by the perimeter games of Michael Redd and Maurice Williams, a team that can make the 6-8 seeds if all goes well, or a team which could once again end up in the lottery if their luck with injuries does not change.
Oh yeah, and Andrew Bogut cut his hair into a pony tail. I thought you should know.
Sham is a miserable and self-effacing little bastard, whose basketball opinions are often riddled with bias, insecurity, and rank immaturity. He has also never played the sport, and the only game he has ever been to see was a Ware Rebels game back in 2001. The night bus didn't show up and he had to walk the 9 miles home. It was after this that his passion for basketball really took off.
He considers himself to be Britain's foremost NBA expert, an arbitrary title that carries with it no basis in fact, or any worldly significance. He also wrote this section of the website in third person narrative, purely for reasons of arrogance.
Copyright ShamSports.com, 2005-2010. Every published word on this website
is copyrighted to the website's owner, including (but not limited to)
the really stupid ones that I wish I'd never written.
