Where Are They Now, 2009; Act 4, Scene 38

Debuting later - some stuff. Keep your eyes firmly peeled on the mid 90's menu to the left and mash refresh religiously - eventually you will be rewarded.

- Lukasz Obrzut was a very insignificant player in the D-League last year, averaging 3.1 ppg and 2.4 rpg over 38 games with both the Bakersfield Jam and the Fort Wayne Mad Ants. Before that, he spent four very insignificant years with Kentucky, never averaging more than 2.0 ppg and 1.8 rpg. Now, he's in Poland, averaging 5.2 points, 3.7 rebounds and 2.9 fouls per game for the powerhouse that is ISS Sportino Inowroclaw (and by "powerhouse", I mean "team in third last place"). How very insignificant.

- It was only a few short years ago that Michael Olowokandi was a starting centre in the Western Conference Finals. Things have changed wildly since then - the money dried up, as did the few skills, and a season of playing for the Celtics on the minimum salary (Kandi didn't need the money, and did it just to prove to himself that he could...apparently) was the last she wrote. Kandi is about to turn 34 with a lenghty history, and I assume him to be unofficially retired.

- In lieu of any Greg Ostertag news, here is a video of him losing at table tennis to a sharply dressed pre-teen.



- Bo Outlaw is retired and now a "community ambassador" for the Orlando Magic.

- Andre Owens is with Red Star Belgrade (Crvena Zvezda), averaging 11.8 points, 3.3 rebounds and 2.8 assists a game in the Adriatic League, and 10.6/2.7/2.3 in the Eurocup. Owen was also recently the victim of an attack by a fan - or at least, a really bad attempt at one - and you can read about that here

- Olumide Oyedeji is in China, which is good news for us all. Playing for Shanxi Zhongyu, Oyedeji averages 20.4 points and a slightly staggering 19.4 rebounds per game. The assists, steals and blocks numbers aren't bad either; 2.8, 2.2, 1.6. Oyedeji has had 37 double doubles in his 39 games, and has not had less than 10 rebounds in any game; in the two games where he missed a double-double, his stat lines read:

4 points, 21 rebounds, 6 assists, 4 blocks.
8 points, 16 rebounds, 1 assist.

That's prime Ben Wallace territory, that. They should have known that it was going to go well when Oyedeji put up 23 points, 24 rebounds and 9 assists on his debut. Do you love reading these numbers? Me too. They constantly s*** on all these "faceless player averages 7 points and 3 rebounds in some obscure European league" entries that I have to write. They pale in comparison to this. 19.4 rebounds a game! 7 offensive! Averaging 45 minutes a game! Good times. Very good times.

- Robert Pack hasn't been heard from since his entirely unexpected stint with the Toronto Raptors in 2005 preseason. That was three and a half years ago now. He is now a travel agent (true story), and was an assistant coach for the San Antonio Spurs's entry at the 2008 Rocky Mountain Revue.

- David Padgett went to training camp with the Miami Heat, signed a contract immediately after it (essentially this meant just signing for training camp really early), didn't make the team, and was waived. He has not signed elsewhere since, presumably living it up on his $35,000 guarantee.

- After Scott Padgett's NBA career ended abruptly after a trade to the Memphis Grizzlies and a subsequent waiving, he signed in Spain for about two weeks with CB Granada. This was back in April 2007. He has not been heard from since. He's not a missing person or dead or anything. I just can't find any news on him. He probably does real estate now, though. They all do.

- Milt Palacio is the starting point guard for Khimky in Russia, averaging 6.4 points, 2.2 rebounds and 2.0 assists in the Russian league, alongside 5.2 points, 1.7rebounds and 3.5 assists in the Eurocup. I watched Milton play the other day, and if any Jazz fans out there are wondering in Fellatio still hits the underside of the backboard with his layups.......yep! More good times.

- Adam Parada's last 5 basketball destinations are as follows - Mexico, Philippines, Sacramento Kings, Jordan, the ABA. One of those is not like the others. Parada currently finds himself in Japan, playing for the Mitsubishi Melco Dolphins. The Japanese league is not like the Chinese league, for not only are the team names intelligible, but there's also not nearly the wealth of fringe NBA talent in it. However, this doesn't mean that Adam Parada can't still be brilliant, and he doesn't let us down, delivering a scintilating 13.97 points and 7.8 rebounds a game.

- Finally, Jannero Pargo left the NBA for Dynamo Moscow to great fanfare, and then left Dynamo Moscow to slightly less fanfare after the team fell behind on their payments to him. (This hasn't stopped them from signing Brian Chase as a replacement, though.) Pargo since signed with Olympiakos, where his sole aim is to have a slightly more successful stint than Olympiakos's other former Hornet guard, Arvydas Macijauskas. Pargo has delivered on that (albeit only slightly), averaging 4.7 points and 2.7 assists in his three Euroleague games so far, after averaging rougly 13/4/5 for Dynamo.

Summer signings, round 28

- Continuing a recent tradition, the Knicks signed Allan Houston for training camp, seemingly not telling him at any point that he's just not going to make the roster. Don't worry, we won't call it a comeback. Their other camp signee, swingman Dan Grunfeld, has equally little chance, but he's going to enjoy his moment in the spotlight nonetheless.

- The Lakers chose to re-sign Didier Ilunga-Mbenga because he's tall and nimble, the fact that he's about to turn 28 and has never doen a damn thing be damned.

- Jamon Gordon has signed with Trikala in Greece. Insert your own yodelling reference.

- Three months after drafting him, and many weeks after pretty much all other first rounders were signed, the San Antonio Spurs finally took care of business and signed George Hill. More importantly, however, they also signed Salim Stoudamire. I'm sort of happy about this. Salim's a good player and a good fit for the Spurs, but he's now one of 18 players on a 15 man roster, and one of only a few without a guaranteed contract. Also, if San Antonio decides to keep an extra shooter - and they should - then the odds favour Desmon Farmer, a man coming off a blazingly hot season down in the D-League, and no less of a fringe NBA talent than Salim. Desmon's advantage over Stoudamire is that he is of a nromal shooting guard's height, whereas Salim is a comparative midget. With Hill now signed, Tony Parker as the lifelong starter and Jacque Vaughn here whether they like it or not, the Spurs probably won't want four guards that are 6'2 or under. And that's a damn shame.

- The Carl Landry saga is finally over, and in a really shoddy way. After maintaining for ages that they wanted the MLE (or at least, that's what we public were told), Landry and his agent Buddy Baker ended up signing a paltry 3 year, $9 million offer sheet from the Charlotte Bobcats. The Rockets matched almost instantly, scarcely able to believe their good fortune. When was the last time someone held out until training camp, and won? Carl Landry hasn't. Sasha Pavlovic didn't. Anderson Varejao didn't. So, Ben Gordon, if you're watching.....let's end the charade. In additional Rockets news, GM Daryl Morey says here that he expects Maarty Leunen to sign with a club "associated" with Efes Pilsen in Turkey. God knows what that means.

- Juan Dixon has returned to the Wizards as a half-arsed but far cheaper replacement for Roger Mason Jr, who signed with the Spurs earlier this summer. On an non-guaranteed minimum salary contract, it's a good move for Washington, but one which leaves Linton Johnson stuck on the outside as the 16th man. Damn you and your guaranteed contract, Stewie Griffin.

- Kaniel Dickens signed with Italian club Napoli way back in the day, but since that date, Napoli have found themselves in trouble for cooking the books, not paying proper taxes or pension payments. Their registration in the Italian league has since been revoked, and Dickens has left the team. He has stayed in Italy, however, and signed with Varese. Gary Forbes, another player who recently signed with Napoli, has also left the team, and is as yet unsigned.

- Former Raptors camp fodder LaVell Blanchard has signed with AEL Limassol in Cyprus. Cypriot basketball news! Right here! Get some!

- Omar Cook signed for Malaga in Spain. If you take a keen interest in those NBA players (or near-NBA players) who wind up playing for other countries because they can obtain passports based on residence (such as Jabari Smith playing for Qatar, J.R. Bremer playing for Bosnia, or Chris Kaman playing for Germany), then add this one to your list - Omar Cook has received a Montenegran passport, and will probably play for their national team once they commence international competition next year. Other eligible Montenegran players that you may have heard of include Nikola Pekovic (31st pick of the Timberwolves in this year's draft), Mladen Sekularac (2002 second round pick of Dallas, now belonging to Golden State after he was thrown into the Erick Dampier trade), Predrag Drobnjak (smelly journeyman), Zarko Cabarkapa (former Warriors first rounder whose back held him back), and Slavko Vranes (Knicks second rounder in 2003 - very tall, very bad). Good information all.

- Jiri Hubalek is the name of the man unflatteringly referred to in this post as "some white guy". That post mentions how Hubalek (going under the pseudonym of "some white guy") was to sign with the Phoenix Suns for training camp. Well, scratch that - Hubalek has instead signed with Solsonica Rieti in Italy. If you're eagerly awaiting news of who replaces him in Phoenix, wait until the next post. If you can.

- Finally, Robert Pack has packed it all in, and has been hired as an assistant coach for the Rio Grande Valley Vipers of the D-League. That right there represents the best pun that I've ever made. Pity me.

Where Are They Now? Part 28

Greg Ostertag is still retired, and recently got spotted at a Kansas Jayhawks game. This isn't relevant to anything.

Bo Outlaw was waived by the Magic right at the start of the regular season, as a necessary concurrent part of the surprisingly successful Maurice Evans trade. (Maurice Evans! Starter on a playoff team! Glue guy! Good shooter! Who knew! Exclamation!). Since then, Bo has been hired to work in the Magic's community relations department, which is probably a precursor to a more official retirement.

Sticking with the theme of "Crappy Unskilled Magic Big Men", Olumide Oyedeji averaged 18.0 points and 15.2 rebounds for the Liaoning Panpan Hunters in China, the country's second best team. However, for the sake of reference, let it be known that Soumalia Samake averaged 18.2 and 15.2 rebounds. So the competition looks pretty bad.

Also, here's some bonus Olumide Oyedeji information - one of the obscure satellite TV channels over here is called "BEN". I think it is supposed to be a rip-off of the more famous "BET". Either way, all this channel seems to air is home video footage of black people arguing loudly while a TV blares in the background. (BEN seems like the kind of broadcasting ably suited for the role of "TV background noise", so maybe that's why.) At least once a month, they have a show called "Basketball", which does what it promises. A few years ago, this segment used to feature ABA games, which helped hone my knowledge of such basketball pioneers as Ace Custis, Willie (not Wilson) Chandler, and Darryl Dawkins's wardrobe. In recent times, though, they have taken to showing the same game over and over again - Nigeria versus Egypt, from 2004. This game is amusing to watch, which is probably why they air it so much. All of the action is brought to us from the same one camera angle, in a completely empty gym, filled with a strage haze. It's kind of like watching summer league. The Nigerians play the game like it's netball for the entire game, while the Egptians repeatedly use about 5 seconds of each shot clock before getting a brick in the air. The calibre of the basketball on offer is enough to make Hemingway weep. And in this game are Olumide Oyedeji, and Gabe Muoneke.

I know you're jealous.


Robert Pack's last professional basketball gig was for Zalgiris in Lithuania three years ago, when he was kicked off of the team for this punch.

Scott Padgett ended last season with Granada in Spain, but did not play this year. I don't know why.

Milt Fellatio Palacio has spent the season with Partizan Belgrade, where he just won the Euroleague MVP for March. If you can believe that. (Euroleague is the highest calibre of European play, for those unaware.)

Adam Parada is playing for Red Bull Barako in the Phillipines. This is him in action only two days ago. (Parada is number 55, in red. The big fella.) WARNING - Video contains excitable Phillipino girls screaming really loudly for no reason. ANOTHER WARNING - Parada doesn't really do anything in the video except sit down.

Cherokee Parks has been out of basketball for ages and is now little more than a waste of bandwidth and a pain in thine arse. Also, here is a Cherokee Parks video worth watching.

Marlon Parmer signed just today for Al Rayyan in Qatar. A few days ago, I spent the best part of an hour researching whether Marlon Parmer is left handed or right handed, in order to update his profile that no one will ever look at. I finally found the answer after finding a Youtube video of his first practice with the Estonian team that he played for last season. I can't believe how fucking long I wasted on that. But, for those interested, the answer is, he's left handed.

Ruben Patterson surprisingly did not get signed for the playoffs, and remains unemployed.

Andre Patterson also did not get signed for the playoffs, but that was less of a surprise. Patterson is a member of the Dakota Wizards of the D-League, where he totalled 12 points and 10 rebounds in 2 games.

Rickey Paulding is playing for Oldenburg in Germany, where he averages a team high 13.1 points per game.