Where Are They Now, 2010; Part 3

Meant to make a great "Hack-A-Shag" joke in the last post, and forgot. Never mind. We'll save it for next year.


- Kenny Anderson

Anderson has not played since the 2005-06 season. His NBA career ended the year before, when he split the 2004/05 season between the Hawks and the Clippers, and after being waived by L.A. in March 2005, a 10 month wait ensued. Anderson then joined legendary Lithuanian team Zalgiris Kaunas for the rest of the season. It was the first and only non-NBA gig of his professional career. Chibbs averaged 2.4 points and 1.6 assists in the Euroleague alongside 5.9 points and 2.8 assists in the Lithuanian league, and then that was the end of his playing career.

In between those last two playing gigs, he was declared bankrupt.

The last time we checked in on Anderson, he had been named the head coach of the CBA's Atlanta Krunk. It was all supposed to be brilliant; for the 2007-08 season, the team hired Anderson as head coach, hired Kenny Smith's brother Vincent as the general manager, signed Grayson Boucher (And-1's "The Professor") and minor league superhero Zach Marbury (Stephon's brother) as a backcourt, announced Freedom Williams of C&C Music Factory fame as the majority owner, brought on Stephon's clothing company to be the team's uniform designers, and started shooting a reality TV show about the team. It was all supposed to be awesome. And then it wasn't. In their only CBA season, the Krunk went 9-41, a loss total which included 9 forfeits. Players were not being paid - at one point, the team was down to as few as five players as everyone kept bailing on them due to the lack of salaries. Their home arena was deemed unsuitable, so they had to play all their games down the stretch of the season on the road, and they also had no uniforms. To say it went a bit tits up sells it a bit short. I'm surprised they saw through the season.

The team was resold to new owners, moved to the PBL for the 2008-09 season, and changed its name and location to the Augusta Groove. They played one more average season, finishing 10-10, but had more financial troubles and folded. Anderson was there only for year one.

After it all went south, Anderson joined a clinic run by the NBA for retired players looking to begin coaching careers. At some point, he was also the coach of a SlamBall team. He is currently studying (not coaching) at St. Thomas's University in Miami, and is hireable for both speaking engagements and running workouts.

Anderson is also a very active Twat (Twitterer). Follow him here.



- Shandon Anderson

Shandon Anderson was covered in the 1996 draft round-up thing that was written back in September. Or rather, he wasn't covered at all, because there was nothing to say. In amongst all the talk about Travis Knight's hair and penis, I wrote this:

The Knicks finally got rid of Shanderson in 2004, over three years after the pointless Ewing trade that brought him in in the first place. Shandon then spent two years with the Heat for no real reason, and managed to win a ring in that time through almost no work of his own. I can't find anything that Shandon has done in the three years hence, but considering all the money he earned in the NBA, he has no real reason to get out of bed these days, so I wouldn't be surprised or disheartened if he just didn't bother.

We can do a little better than that now; in 2007, 11 years after leaving it unfinished, Anderson returned to the University of Georgia to complete his degree. He is now something of an entrepeneur; his foundation, the aptly named Shandon Anderson Foundation, is designed to serve as a mentoring thing for kids, as well as giving out multiple scholarships to impoverished kids in the Georgia area. He also owns a salon and spa facility in Atlanta, as well as a vegetable restaurant and wine bar.

Most importantly, Shanderson is a proud wearer of skirts. And that's a true story. If you don't believe me, here's a picture of Shandon Anderson in a skirt and a flat cap:



This. This is why you come here. God bless you Shandon for your complete lack of fear. I can respect that. And you're right, skirts ARE comfy. They're just a bit weird looking, is all.



- Rashad Anderson

Connecticut guard Rashad Anderson was the second leading scorer in Italy's SerieA last year, averaging 18.2 points per game for Udine. SerieA is the third strongest league in the world, behind only the NBA and the ACB. Yet despite being one of the best scorers in one of the best leagues in the world, Anderson this season finds himself on the bench for a D-League team. Seems like a backwards step, really.

For the Iowa Energy, Anderson is averaging 10.5 points, 3.5 rebounds and 0.6 American assists in 20.3 minutes per game off the bench. The Energy are pretty stacked and have a 10-1 record, but if Anderson came back to the D-League for lesser money thinking it would be the next step to cracking the NBA, then he probably wasn't expecting to be coming off the bench behind Cartier Martin and Pat Carroll.



- Antonio Anderson

Antonio Anderson is also in the D-League. After going undrafted out of Memphis this summer, Anderson went to camp with the Bobcats, but he never really had a chance of making the team. He was then taken 12th in the D-League draft by the Rio Grande Valley Vipers, three places after Rashad was. For the Vipers, Anderson is averaging 41.9 minutes, 17.5 points, 6.9 assists, 4.4 rebounds, 1.3 steals and 0.7 blocks per game, shooting 46% from the floor and 30% from three point range, all while starting at was is essentially the small forward position. (Decide for yourself whether it's him or Garrett Temple that's technically the shooting guard. Can't say it matters much.)

The Vipers are the D-League affiliate of the Houston Rockets, and Rockets big man Joey Dorsey is on assignment there. He's putting up numbers, too. In 29.4 minutes of 10 games, Dorsey is averaging 14.4 points, 13.6 rebounds, 2.1 assists, 1.3 steal and 1.4 blocks per game, shooting 64% from the field. It looks good, doesn't it? But somehow, in only those 29 minutes per game, Dorsey is also averaging 4.0 fouls and a ridiculous 4.0 turnovers. How do you turn it over 4 times a game in 30 minutes when you don't touch the ball on offense very often? How many moving screens can one man set? Baffling times.



- Martynas Andriuskevicius

As I've said about 23 times in the past, Andriuskevicius is somewhat symptomatic of part of the flaw in NBA thinking. Andrew's Cabbages is 7'3 tall and fairly agile for that size; it's that combination that got him drafted and two years of guaranteed money. (It certainly wasn't because of an accomplished skillset or a history of solid production.) But the flaw there is with the 7'3 measurement. It may well be accurate, but Marty is only as tall as he is due to an abnormally long neck. Were it not for that, he'd be only a normal 7 footer, if such a height can ever be considered normal. What advantage is he to gain from having a longer neck than his peers? Not a lot. Maybe he can see the play unfolding slightly better than his matchup can. But if he hasn't the skills to do anything about it, where's the advantage? Measurements can lie, and while they do matter, they can also be blinkered. They're important, but not THAT important. Ask the western conference playoff team currently starting a 6'6 centre how much it's holding them back.

Anyway, that's just a rant, not a circumstances update. As for how he's doing these days, Andriuskevicius is into his third season with Alicante Lucentum in Spain. On the ACB season, he is averaging 8.6 points and 4.1 rebounds, numbers both down from last season. He also averages 2.6 fouls in only 17 minutes per game, in a league where you foul out when you reach 5. But he does have 120 points on only 71 shots, which is pretty fantastic.



- Rafael Araujo

Araujo, whose nickname should really be "Epic Fail", is back in his native Brazil, signed with a team called Paulistano. Put a space in the right place, and that becomes a believable name for a hitman. Brazilian statistics are a bit difficult to find, and it doesn't help that he seems to now exclusively be known as "Baby." But as far as I can tell, he was averaging 13.5 rebounds and 8.7 rebounds per game. (If anyone can read Portuguese, feel free to construct a better translation.) At the very least, here's a recent shot chart of his. He's red number 55.

Araujo was never THAT bad. Below average, yes, and a monumentally bad draft pick at #8. But he has NBA talent, if only as a 12th man. This is about as much balance redressing as I can muster.

He's 29 years old now.



- Robert Archibald

Robert Archibald and his hybrid accent are to be found in the same place that they're always found - Spain. Playing for Unicaja Malaga, Arch is having a pretty bad year, averaging only 5.2 points, 2.9 rebounds and 3.2 fouls per game in the ACB, improving to 8.2 points, 4.2 rebounds and 2.8 fouls per game in the Euroleague. Nevertheless, his team mate there this year is fellow Brit and Aldershot's finest, Joel Freeland; others you will have heard of include Omar Cook, Shammond Williams, Nedzad Sinanovic, Taquan Dean and Gorgeous Giorgos Printezis. And this is why the ACB is the best league outside of the NBA. Even the middle-of-the-road teams are stacked.



- Koko Archibong

Archibong played in the Euroleague last year when he was a member of Polish team, Prokom Sopot. He was pretty shockingly bad in it, though, averaging only 2.8 points, 3.5 rebounds and 3.1 fouls. This year he's moved to Germany and joined the Dusseldorf Giants. (I don't have an umlaut thing on my keyboard, and I'll be damned if I'm bothering to find one in charmap.) On the season, Archibong is averaging 14.1 points and 6.7 rebounds, leading the team in both categories.

In keeping with the unofficial German league rules, Dusseldorf have almost no German players in their rotation. In fact, they have only 1; the backup point guard, Gordon Geib. But they do have a German coach, a man named Achim Kuzcmann. And he has one of the finest moustaches that you will ever see in the basketball world.



That is imperious, messianic, divine, and truly, truly uber. Well played Mr Kuzcmann.



- Darrell Armstrong

Armstrong last played in the 2007-08 season with the Nets, playing in 50 games as a backup. He tried out for the Suns partway through last season, but did not make the team. He is now retired, if not officially, and is an assistant coach with the Mavericks.

He does not have an imperious moustache.

Where Are They Now, 2009; Part 3

Continuing that list of stuff that you like.

- Rafael Araujo is sadly out of basketball right now. He's unsigned. He's unwanted. He's unloved. Commitment-free. Homeless. A nomadic vagabond living off the land and fashioning rudimentary hyperdermic needles using only his opposable thumbs and his chemically-enhanced upper body strength. But this is just one tale to tell. There are thousands of children like this all over BYU. Please. End poverty now. Give generously.

- Robert Archibald is currently playing for Unicaja Malaga in Spain, after turning down a contract from the Hornets this summer. He is still not bald. (I went on holiday to Malaga only recently, and didn't see Robert Archibald there. Shame. I looked hard and everything.) Archibald averages 7.1 point and 4.0 rebounds on a pretty stacked, for those who still care. By the way, while looking this up, I found out about Neil Fingleton, a former UNC and Holy Cross player and one time McDonald's All American. After a brief playing career career in Europe, the ABA and the D-League, Fingleton has since given up playing basketball due to injuries, and is now an aspiring actor. He was also recently awarded the seminal title of UK's Tallest Man, which is good news I suppose. But it begs the question; the previous holder of that record - a man named Christopher Greener - had been dining out on that fame for 40 years. What the hell is he going to do now? Who the hell remembers who comes second? Where's the TV work going to come from? He'll be jobless, he'll be penniless, he'll be a waste of height. He'll be unsigned. He'll be unwanted. He'll be unloved. Commitment-free. Homeless. A nomadic vagabond living off the land. Et cetera.

- Koko Archibong is not a nomadic vagabond living off the land, as he has procured a plum position with the pre-eminent Polish powerhouse, Prokom. (Sorry, I'm really immature today. I tend to binge.) Archibong averages 6.6 points per game, good enough (if that's the right phrasing) for eighth on the team. To find out about some of his team mates, keep reading these posts until we get to the Bu-'s.

- Darrell Armstrong is unsigned, but recently attended the Suns' point guard mini-camp, where he and many other hopefuls vied for Phoenix's compulsory 13th man role. He lost.

- Brandon Armstrong is playing for Budivelnik in the Ukraine. No, me neither. Armstrong hasn't played since November - which may or may not be injury related, I don't know - and averaged only 14.2 minutes and 6.5 points per game when he did.

- Carlos Arroyo signed with Maccabi Tel Aviv this summer, as a part of the mass European migration that wasn't. Arroyo averages 13.7 points, 3.3 rebounds and 4.4 assists, and rumours (perhaps unsubstantiated) abound about a return to the Magic.

- The Bulls gave up two second round picks to move up a mere three spots in this year's second round, which is an extremely committed and kind of bizarre thing to do. They did this it get their hands on the rights to Omer Asik, whom clearly they rate extremely highly. Asik then instantly repaid the Bulls' faith in him by tearing his knee ligament, and he hasn't played all season as a result. Nonetheless, Asik has spent some time in the Bulls' practices this season, clearly eager to get an early taste of their poisonous chemistry and inability to utilise young big men.

- Stacey Augmon jacked it all in (not off) and is now a Denver Nuggets assistant coach.

- James Augustine averages 8.2 points, 5.0 rebounds, 1.2 steals and 1.1 blocks per game for Gran Canaria in Spain. By the way, way back in the boom boom selection days, I asked for information and/or your theories as to how Augustine managed to be re-signed and waived by the Magic in the same July, in an act so weird that I can't think of a single other time that it's happened. I've since gotten that info, and it's no less weird - Orlando tendered Augustine a qualifying offer of $972,581 in an act of fairly standard practice, and Augustine unusually accepted it almost immediately. Of note, though, is the rule with qualifying offers which states that they have to have a level of guarantee that is, at a minimum, identical to the previous season's salary. Augustine's 2007/08 salary called for a minimum salary of $687,456, but with only 25% guaranteed if he was waived on or before the 30th of July 2007. Therefore, the qualifying offer had to have a similar level of guarantee, and so the qualifying offer that Augustine accepted was 25% guaranteed until July 30th 2008. So those three weeks that Augutine spent with the Magic this season, in which he didn't play a single game, cost the tax-tight Magic a significant $243,145, and would have been more if they haven't waived him when they did. A congratulations, therefore, go to Augustine's vigilant agent, who got his client a decent paycheck without him having to actually do anything and still having the opportunity to land a pretty plush European gig as well. Similarly, condolences go to Orlando General Manager, Otis Smith, who in hindsight should never have offered the qualifying offer in the first place. Creative financing at its finest once again.

- The Bulls other unsigned draft pick, Mario Austin, started the season with Besiktas in Turkey, but left without playing a game for reasons that I'm not aware of.

- Finally, and somewhat boringly, Larry Ayuso is still chasing the NBA dream, this time in the D-League with the Iowa Energy. He's doing this by averaging 13.0 points on 40% shooting, shooting more three pointers than two pointers, and with more turnovers than assists. He would appear to be trying to showcase himself as a jumpshooting specialist. It isn't working. But he did get this ESPN article about himself last month, so the D-League might have been the right place for him to go.

Summer signings, round 2

- Former Detroit Pistons guard Alex Acker has left European powerhouse Barcelona, after a poor season last year. He's also been replaced by Juan Carlos Navarro, whom we'll probably never see in the NBA again, for an entirely different reason to that of Acker. Detroit still owns Acker's rights, but they're looking increasingly worthless. (Detroit, Acker, and his rights.)

- Atlanta Hawks draftee, Australian centre David Andersen, is also joining Barcelona on a three year deal. Andersen, whose combination of height, broken legs and athleticism was enough to rigidify Hawks fans for at least two years, will also probably never join the NBA. But that doesn't mean that he isn't any good.

- Derrick Zimmerman has signed with the ever-elusive geniuses of Budivelnik Kiev in the Ukraine, where he may soon be joined by Anthony Morrow, who has agreed to terms to join the team. However, Morrow's agreement is conditional - if he makes an NBA roster, he'll do that instead. (Morrow is on two summer league rosters this year, so he's giving it a go.) Zimmerman clearly had no such clause, so at least one of the two realises the futility of such a situation.

- Indiana Pacers draft pick Erazem Lorbek has signed with CSKA Moscow, essentially as the replacement for David Andersen above.

- James Singleton has left Tau Ceramica in Spain to try and come back to the NBA. We wait with baited breath. (EDIT: I wrote this a long time before posting it - Singleton has since signed with the Dallas Mavericks. It's a good signing. Singleton should never have left the NBA. He's good enough to be a 10th or 11th man in it. However, Dallas also signed Keith McLeod, and Keith McLeod is complete wank. So it's swings and roundabouts.)

- Milt Fellatio has signed with Khimky (not Kinky) in Russia. A report on the subject says that "Khimky wants to win ULEB Cup this year", which gives them a clear advantage over those ULEB Cup teams who don't want to win it. Good plan.

- New-found Montengran citizen Omar Cook has signed for Unicja in Spain ona two year contract. Cook played very well for Red Star Belgrade last year, and Milwaukee Bucks coach Scott Skiles likes him a lot. Yet apparently, that's not getting it done for Omar, who still doesn't get a return to the NBA. Cook also played at the Boston Celtics free agent camp this month, alongside a "who's who?" of nobodys including Randolph Morris, Eddie Basden, Alan Anderson, Bobby Brown, RYVON! Covile, David Noel, Lawrence Roberts, Mustafa Shakur and someone called Brian Butch. But seemingly this didn't result in a potential roster spot for Omar. (Cook has also started playing for the Montenegran National Team, for those who previously missed this exciting news.)

- Robert Archibald turned down a two year contract from the New Orleans Hornets to go and play alongside Cook for Unicaja Malaga, which seems rare and strange. According to this, it is because of the lure of guaranteed money, more than the lure of Omar Cook. But then again, that link describes Archibald's NBA reputation as "rock solid", so.......yeah.

- Sasha Kaun, drafted in the second round this year and sold to the Cleveland Cavaliers, has signed with CSKA Moscow, along with Erazem Lorbek mentioned above, as well as former Magic and Rockets forward Terence Morris. David Andersen is sitting somewhere in Spain, regretting leaving such a stacked team. Probably. Well, maybe.

- Will Bynum is to earn $800,000 this season playing for Virtus Bologna in Italy, assuming that he doesn't make the Detroit Pistons roster.

- Former Net Zoran Planinic, just like basically everybody else in this post, has signed for CSKA Moscow, which is in Moscow. Does David Andersen regret it now? Does he fuck.

Where Are They Now? Part 2

In a new and uninteresting series of post, we (I) shall attempt to update you on the current whereabouts of some of your favourite players who sniffed the NBA for a brief moment before retiring with their tail between their legs to basketball's minor leagues. These players are to be glorified at all times, as they provide amusement, and also they provide the oft-undervalued mechanism for sports fans to worry entirely too much about the last player on the roster. It is a trend true of all sports, but particularly in basketball - if we can't see a player play, but they're on an NBA roster, we can then convince ourselves that they are potential 20ppg players, and no one can refute our claim with evidence because there isn't any. It's a dream we regularly live, then shatter, and then live again. Good times.




Shagari Alleyne, one time 76er for about 8 minutes, just finished a season in the powerhouse Premier Basketball League, an ironically named minor league in the USA that you've probably never heard of.

David Andersen, one time highly overrated Atlanta Hawks draft pick whose rights they still own, is in his fourth season playing for CSKA Moscow, in Russia.

Alan Anderson is playing for La Fortezza Bologna in Italy.

Kenny Anderson showed up bizarrely playing for Zalgiris in Lithuania at the very end of the 2006 season, and hasn't been heard of since. (EDIT: Apparently he's now the coach of a CBA team, the Atlanta Krunk. Great name.)

Shandon Anderson hasn't played since leaving the Miami Heat with a ring on his finger, and has only subsequently been heard of when Miami nearly re-signed him the following season.

Martynas Andriuskevicius is playing for Alicante in Spain, and working as a part time giraffe.

Rafael Araujo is playing for Spartak Moscow, also in Russia as are most Moscow teams.

Robert Archibald is playing for Azovmash in the Ukraine.

Brandon Armstrong is playing for Kotwica Kolobrzeg of Poland, and no I don't know how to pronounce that.

Stacey Augmon has retired, as we all thought he already had before being signed by Denver for this year's training camp. He is now working for the Nuggets as a player development coach.

Mario Austin, 2003 draft choice of the Chicago Bulls, is playing for Benetton Treviso in Italy. He's also one of the best players not in the NBA, and doesn't want to join it.


More later.

Kobe Bryant

Today is the day on which it hath been decreed by someone called Matt that NBA fans the world over are to loudly vociferate their rampant and slightly homosexual man-love for Kobe Bryant. Whether or not you like Kobe has been deemed irrelevant - today, we talk about him nicely, for today is the day that the Lakers face Toronto, the team which Bryant obfuscated and subjugated on the way to his Jalen Rose-induced 81 point outing.

(Sorry, I'm just playing with an online thesaurus. I'm also on a bet to try and get "imbibe" (to drink) in this post. And I can't shave Drew Gooden's beard off until it's done.)

You may expect at this point to be swamped with the kind of Kobe-related trivial bollocks (the unsuccessful follow-up to Trival Pursuit) that defines this website. Perhaps you would expect a list of anagrams of Kobe Bryant's name. Or perhaps you would want to see a list of Kobe Bryant lookalikes. Perhaps you would prefer to see an archive of photographs of all the women that Kobe has obfuscated over the years. (By the way, I'm trusting that that word really does mean "dominated".) Perhaps you want to see video clips of him playing, offered up in lieu of any actual written analysis. Or perhaps you just want to see pictures of him looking a bit gay.

Well, as L.A. Clippers fans used to say, you'll ne'er be disappointed if you have only pitiful expectations to begin with. So here are those things.



1) Toby Banker; Bye, rat knob; Nobby taker; Botany Berk; Try-on kebab. (Yeah, they're all crap, what do I care.)

2)

3)

4)


5) ....Oh Christ, there's millions.



Yet, in addition to all of that anti-climactic petulance, today is a day for celebrating the more basketball related facets of basketball, something rarely done around here. (And something never done without wildly overzealous amounts of parentheses.)

This does, however, present a problem. With so many people blogging about the same subject on the same day, it's going to be difficult to find anything unique enough to say. This is a problem that I struggle with a lot, as evidence by the title of this post.

What approach can I take? What can I say that hasn't been said? What angle article will not have been taken? Maybe I could do some comparisons. Is Kobe the best player in the game today? Is he the best thing since Michael Jordan's sliced bread? Will he win another ring without Shaq? Did he rape her? Will he ever win an MVP award?

No. I shan't. These questions have all been done to death. And they're also not very exciting. I need something insightful.

(Answers to those questions, in order: not quite, so far, probably, innocent until proven guilty, don't know or care.)

So, in place of actual thought, effort, graft or insight, I'll turn to the thing that I know best, and what appeals most to the captivated audience of 5 people: My earliest NBA memories.



For those unaware and yet interested enough to have read this far, I am an Englishman. And, like so many of my Englishman peers, I live in England. If you've never been to England, it may or may not come as a shock to you that the sport of basketball here is about as widespread and savoured as the ebola virus, and despite the NBA's unsubtle efforts to liberally daub our nation's fine capital in basketball's highest calibre custard, the sport remains a distinct afterthought, having to compete with Argentinian soccer and The World's Strongest Man for early hours TV coverage. Britain and basketball go together about as well as America with dieting, Damon Jones with humility, Gary Payton with an understanding of the ravages of time, and the French with steely resolve. And your country's basketball outlook would be the same if your national team shamefully boasted the powerhouse high/low post threat of Robert Archibald and Andy Betts.

(Mind you, if Steve Nash and Michael Olowokandi switched their allegiances, we could have one hell of a running game. Just as long as Olowokandi, Betts and Archibald weren't involved.)

In recent times, though, multi-toothed overrated starlet Luol Deng has decided that he wants to be English more than he wants to be Sudanese or American. This decision, which I would imagine to have been about as simple as deciding whether to deliberately contract rabies or not, has led to a renewed interest from all 15 basketball fans left in this country. With Deng obtaining a British passport, with the potential addition of Ben Gordon, and with the British nations combining to form the first ever British basketball team, the sport has a new zest for life over here, as evidenced by the fact that we we now get one game a week (often live, sometimes taped delayed) played at 1am on Tuesday nights/Wednesday mornings. Woohoo!

This wasn't always the case, however. As the incoherent ramblings on the profiles of Austin Croshere and Pat Garrity allude to, our NBA coverage used to be even more limited than this. A Saturday morning magazine show existed in the early to mid 90's, but then disappeared, and for a while there was nothing but tumbleweed. Then, in 1999, a different channel started runnning a half-hour Saturday afternoon magazine show, cleverly called NBA '99, and presented by the lovely Beverley Turner.


In 1999, I was 15 years old. What does a 15 year old boy does at 2pm on a Saturday afternoon, particularly when he lives in the middle of nowhere?

He sits indoors, and channel hops looking for the attractive ladies. Obviously.

This is what I did. I doubt I was alone. (Well, I was alone while I was watching it, but what I mean is I'm sure other people did this too. Maybe.)

What I didn't realise, having never played basketball in school or otherwise, was that I actually quite liked the sport. It only took about 20 minutes for me to realise that I wasn't watching the show for Beverley Turner any more, but for the sport itself. (And that's no slight on Beverley Turner, who we can clearly see is basically perfect.) From there, I became an avid watcher of the sport, recording every magazine show and imbibing (hooray!) every last morsel of NBA coverage that was thrown our way. These morsels were few and far between, but each was savoured more than the last, and I'm not ashamed of the fact that I can remember entire pieces of Kevin Harlan's commentary from the Knicks versus Pacers Eastern Conference Finals series of that season. Which explains my Marcus Camby love.

A new NBA fan was born, and a pathetically keen one at that. It took only the purchase of a copy of Total NBA '96 for the Playstaton to cement a powerful life-long lust towards the art of watching men in shorts run around sweating. (And by "purchase", I mean "borrow from an acquiaintance to whom you have no intention of ever given it back". I still have it.)

Yet only the half-hour weekend magazine show offered any actual coverage. Total NBA '96 could only teach a man so much - its rather antiquated game engine based a player's scoring ability off of their previous season's shooting percentages, which made from great fun halfcourt shootouts between Olden Polynice and Eric Mobley, both of whom went 1-1 on threes the previous season. These were also pre-internet days, if only in this household, and so my entire NBA knowledge stemmed from what I could collate from 3 minute highlight montages of games.

For some bizarre reason, such highlight montages seemed to focus on the usually white bench players. Or at least, that's how I remember them. Despite hiring former Olympic sprinter Derek Redmond as Beverley's co-presenter, purely to meet an ethnic minorities quota, the coverage then focused on the flair plays of not particularly good white guys, such as Croshere and Garrity, or Jason Williams and Vlade Divac. (Except those two were brilliant, obviously.) This trend continued to see out the whole of the 1999 NBA season, and was odd and yet brilliant. (Oh and for all doubters out there, you know Pat Garrity's got flair.)


In 2000, however, the show underwent a couple of changes. Gone was the original title, as the show was now called NBA 2000, the producers mercifully refusing to go for the 2K abbreviation. Also gone was Derek Redmond, as he was no longer needed to fill a black person quota due to the show's inclusion of Michael Olowokandi as a presenter. (I'm not making this up.) While Beverley Turner would hold down all the in-studio work, the three players in the league at that time with English connections - however tenuous - would host their own little pieces to camera, with varying degrees of success. Steve Nash (before he was good) would have a brief segment on record holders throughout the history of the game, Olowokandi (before he was crap) would have a little slot describing some of the rules of the game for those who did not understand, and John Amaechi (before he was gay) had short interviews with Beverley about multiple uninteresting subjects.

If you're wondering why all this is relevant to Kobe Bryant, you'll now find out.

Kobe started getting his own little airtime toward the end of the series, too, in which he chose his own personal favourite starting 5, one per week, and then talked about them to camera for a bit. It was, to those of us whose NBA knowledge was limited to Polynice's three point range and White Chocolate's inevitable superstardom, our first introduction to Kobe Bryant. Kobe chose himself as a sixth man for his list, seemingly leaned on by producers to do so, and immediately following this were some highlights of Kobe's play and highlights of a recent Lakers game.

I liked him.

And there, over 1700 convoluted words in, we finally arrive at my point - I like Kobe Bryant.



I don't need to fake liking him for today, for I already do like him. I know that, as a non-Laker NBA fan, I should dislike him for so many reasons. I know that he's an arrogant little git. I know that I should dislike him for being outrageously good. I know that I should dislike him because of all his endless dick-riders who talk about how fantastic he is at all times, despite this not being his fault. As a Bulls fan, I know that I should dislike him for that whole anti-climactic trade talk surrounding him to open this season, despite that also not being his fault. I should hate him for the fact that he's a massive bastard, and for his constant overexposure to which we are subjected every minute of every day. (Assuming you have dull days, that is.) And, if I were to be as stubbornly intolerant as some of my peers, I'd hate him for the consensual sex outside of marriage that led to an unsubstantiated rape accusation. (Seriously. Some people are still powerfully into that thing. Gotta let that go, you know?)

But I don't hate him. I kind of like him. And I can't explain that.



As an Englishman, you are trained from a young age that supporting the underdog is an enjoyable and infinitely more worthwhile experience. It is a mindset first installed into young minds during Second World War lessons at secondary school, and one that is carried over to the world of tennis, where we turn up at Wimbledon in all our pomp and regalia and then we lose.

This is the reason why I support the Chicago Bulls - having gotten into the NBA in 1999, when Chicago was staple gunned to the foot of the Eastern Conference standings, they seemed like the logical team to support. For those not aware of how this logic works; if you support a team that isn't any good, it's hard to be upset when they lose, because they're supposed to lose anyway. But, if they win, bonus! False hope rules! (Note: The L.A. Clippers were actually worse that year. But, unlike the Bulls, I'd never heard of them. Nor was I entirely sure what haircare products had to do with basketball team names.)

So where does my liking of Bryant stem from, given that it flies in the face of my national identity as a futility chaser? I couldn't say.

Maybe it stems from a lifelong desire to be deliberately obtuse and contrarian.

Maybe I'm totally lusting and gay after him. (NOTE - unlikely, because I'm straight. Thought I should clarify this.)

Maybe his eloquence and surprisingly good humour during his guest spots on NBA 2000 sold him to me.

Maybe I'm just won over by how extremely good the man is.


To be honest, I don't know.

Whatever reason it is, Kobe Bryant has achieved something in this country that has only previously been achieved by Shaquille O'Neal and Michael Jordan. Non-NBA fans - of which there are about 55 million - have heard of Kobe Bryant. (The rape trial helps with this, but play along anyway.) They might not know anything about him, and most of them may spell his name like Kobe Karl's by mistake. Yet they have heard of him. When discussing today's Kobe Celebration Day with a female friend not even remotely interested in basketball, she re-affirmed this point by telling me that she knew who Kobe Bryant was before I'd even asked if she knew of him.

(She then followed up this statement with the seminal sentence, "oh there's that other one, isn't there? Shawn O'Shearer?". Good times. Sorry, Shaq.)

So when you watch Kobe be his brilliant self, and whether this makes your heart a-flutter or your anger arise, remember that you are arguably watching the best basketball player that you will ever watch. Even when he annoys you, be grateful that he makes you care enough to be annoyed by him. Where you want to place him in the all-time hierarchy is an unwinnable debate, so choose your own stance on the issue. But, wherever you place him, you know he's up there. So savour it.

Not just today, but every time he plays, and every play he makes. Because he really is special.




And for the love of God, can someone PLEASE show me where to watch the 81 point game? I still haven't seen it.

The Damir Markota experience

In 2006, San Antonio drafted the radiant Damir Markota 59th overall. It was a pick that, to the uninformed such as myself, just oozed of being another one of those late second rounders foreigners that the Spurs draft with no intention of signing them for a while, following in the footsteps of Sergei Karaulov, "Jive Talking" Robertas Javtokas, Manu Ginobili, Luis Scola and Viktor Sanikidze (sorta) before them. It's a hit-and-miss process, with a disproportinate amount of hits when compared to the rest of the league. And besides, is it possible to miss with the 59th pick in the draft?

(Well, yes, but we'll come to that.)

Larry Harris, General Manager of the similarly adept Milwaukee Bucks - and by "similarly adept", I mean "completely incomparable" - decided to find out, trading his teams 2007 second rounder to San Antonio for Markota's rights, and then brought in Damir straight away on a three year contract.

Markota, in turn, decided to blow massive chunks of ass for the entire season, and show that far from being a poor man's Toni Kukoc, he was more like a tramp's version of Robert Archibald.

Showing little to no ability at any facet of the game of basketball, Markota spent a helluva lot of time sitting on the bench. Even when his team became riddled with a spate of injuries, severe enough to make them pull the plug on the season and subtlely (or not) attempt to lose out, Damir still did not see much of the court, because he was not very good. And when he did see the court, he didn't stay on it long, due to the terminal double whammy of being both rather shit at basketball, and having a bit of a minor foul problem (which would have been far worse had he played any defense whatsoever).

Seemingly, this rubbed Damir the wrong way. Per this DraftExpress article, Markota voiced his displeasure at the time, his role on it, and how they had forced him to hitting the bottle hard to drown his sorrows:

' "If I had a chance to play, I would not go to the night clubs. In some way it was the team’s fault. When you know that you’re not getting any playing time, you’re not motivated. One or two nights out won't hurt…There is no pressure, nobody is harsh on you if you lose the game, if you play bad. You’re still getting the money. There is no pressure from fans. Hopefully I’ll play more next season. No more fooling around." '

A week later, Markota was waived, while still being owed some guaranteed money and with Milwaukee in no roster spot crunch. Whoops!

Due to the previously mentioned tank job Milwaukee pulled last season, the second rounder that they gave away finished up as being pick number 33. So San Antonio managed to turn a number 59 pick in a weak draft - and the subsequent awful player - into a number 33 pick in a far stronger draft. And that seems like a pretty good piece of business from a team that quite often makes pretty good pieces of business. Whether they used that number 33 pick correctly is another matter, but time will tell. Maybe they could trade it to Milwaukee again.

Personally, I've got to say that I enjoyed every minute of it of the Damir Markota experiment. Milwaukee fans could - nay, they should - disagree with that sentiment, but it's great fun for the neutral when things go amusingly badly.

I will now stop putting down the Bucks. Promise. Well, for a bit at least.