Players Whose Names Aren't (Or Weren't) Really Their Names

This isn't especially interesting, and definitely isn't important, but it's something I've noticed a lot over the years of doing this. A lot of NBA players's first names we know them aren't really their first names. Some are abridgements, some are nicknames, some are misnomers that are so widespread that they're kind of stuck, and some are just non-sensical.

Here's a list of examples of that which pertain to this website.

- Tariq Abdul-Wahad: known as Olivier Saint-Jean before converting to Islam.

- Shareef Abdur-Rahim: Shareef is his middle name. First name Julius.

- Kenny Adeleke: his Facebook name is Kehnide, if nothing else.

- Deji Akindele: full name is either Ayodeji Joleel Akindele, or Jeleel Ayodeji Akindele. It's hard to tell.

- Blake Ahearn: Blake is his middle name, first name Daniel.

- Akin Akingbala: full name is Akinlolu Akinayi Akingbala, which is pretty spectacular.

- Ray Allen: full name is Walter Ray Allen. Bruce Willis's real first name is Walter, too. Walter seems to be a hated-on name. I quite like it. It reminds me of the fat guy from Micro Machines.

- Koko Archibong: real first name is Aniekan. Nickname origin unknown.

- Brandon Armstrong: his name is still Brandon, but his middle name is Simone, and I just wanted to bring that to your attention.

- Chucky Atkins: real name Kenneth. Nickname comes from his father, also called Kenneth, who was called Chucky while growing up for whatever reason.

- D.J. Augustin: nickname is an abbreviation of his real full name, Darryl Jerard Augustin.

- Larry Ayuso: real name Elias, as in the Sports Bureau. Nickname presumably originates from a desire to have an English name so that people too confused by the highly complicated nature of 'Elias' don't feel alienated. My Thai friend called herself 'Golf' for the same reason. We tried to tell her it wasn't a good idea, but she seemed fine with it.

- Marcus Banks: full name is Arthur Lemarcus Banks.

- Tony Battie: first name is actually Demetrius. "Antonio" is his middle name, hence the Tony.

- Rod Benson: not short for Rodney; full name is Rodrique Zsorryon Benson. Great name.

- Josh Boone: Josh is his middle name. His first name is Oscar, of all things.

- J.R. Bremer: real name Ernest. The J.R. comes from the fact that he's Ernest Jr.

- Kedrick Brown: Kedrick is his middle name. First name Albert.

- P.J. Brown: real name Collier. The P.J. stands for "peanut butter and jelly", his favourite food as a child. How wonderful. Cue bananas.

- Dee Brown (the Illinois one): real name Daniel. Given all the confusion with the other Dee Brown, maybe he could have changed back for our sakes.

- Rashid Byrd: used to be known as Rashid Hardwick; changed it in 2005. Don't know why.

- Mario Chalmers: Full first name is Almario.

- Keon Clark: Keon is his middle name. First name Arian.

- Speedy Claxton: real name Craig. Named Speedy because he is (or was) really fast. And not because he likes methamphetamines.

- Mardy Collins: real name Maurice. Reason for change unknown.

- Jamal Crawford: Jamal is his middle name. First name Aaron.

- T.J. Cummings (giggidy): real name Robert. The T.J. stands for Terry Jr, for he is the son of Terry Cummings, although he's not a real Junior.

- Stephen Curry: Stephen is his middle name. First name Wardell.

- Dale Davis: real name Elliot Lydell Davis. I'm guessing that Dale is a corruption of Lydell.

- Glen Davis: Glen is his middle name. First name Ronald.

- Ricky Davis: same thing. First name Tyree.

- Luol Deng: used to be known as Michael when he lived in England.

- Ike Diogu: Ike is actually his name, so his inclusion here might be erroneous, but it's not short for Isaac. Instead, it's short for Ikechukwu Somtochukwu.

- Joey Dorsey: real name Richard, but has been known as Joey since infancy, after he bounced so much as a baby that he resembled a kangaroo.

- Chuck Eidson: real name Charles. Obvious, really.

- Daniel Ewing: Daniel is his middle name. First name George.

- Olu Famutimi: short for Olumuyiwa.

- Marcus Fizer: Marcus is but one of his middle names. First name Darnell.

- T.J. Ford: T.J. is short for Terrance Jerod.

- Reece Gaines: Reece is his middle name. First name Clifton.

- J.R. Giddens: full name Justin Ray Giddens.

- C.J. Giles: C.J. is short for Chester Jarell.

- Tony Gipson: full name is Nicholas Antonio Gipson, which can make him hard to find in Europe.

- Dion Glover: real name is Micaiah Diondae Glover. It would appear that he's not overwhelmed by the idea of having the most unique name in the world.

- Venson Hamilton: Venson is his middle name. Real first name is Shad.

- Tyler Hansbrough: Tyler is his middle name. First name Andrew.

- Penny Hardaway: first name is Anfernee [sic]. You probably know that one already.

- Junior Harrington: first name is Lorinza. Unsurprisingly, he's a junior, hence the name.

- Lucious Harris: Lucious is his name all right, but the internet seems to suggest that, in Harry S Truman fashion, his middle name is merely "H." Maybe. Like the gay one from Steps. (Note: this is probably not the case, but it would be better if it was.)

- Chuck Hayes: as you'd expect, his name is Charles.

- Gerald Henderson: real name is Jerome McKinley Henderson, same as his dad's. Both of them go by Gerald for reasons I don't know.

- Richard Hendrix: first name is Venard, like his dad. Richard is his middle name.

- J.J. Hickson: stands for James Jr.

- Othello Hunter: Othello is his middle name. His first name is Tegba. He may well be the only man in the world with that combination.

- D.J. Mbenga: his full name is Didier Ilunga-Mbenga. "DJ" comes from what "Didier" sounds like when you say it in his accent, and he normally goes without the Ilunga because we haven't got all day.

- Ken Johnson: short for Kenyata, not Kenneth.

- Trey Johnson: real name is Clinton Johnson III. Nickname presumably comes from him being a third.

- DeAndre Jordan: DeAndre is his middle name. First name Hyland.

- Sasha Kaun: Sasha is short for Alexander.

- Tre' Kelley: real name is Alfrie. Since he's not a third, Tre' is presumably from his three point shooting. The apostrophe would appear to be his unnecessary unique slant on it.

- Kosta Koufos: Kosta is short for Konstantine.

- Keith Langford: Keith is his middle name. First name Andre.

- Tito Maddox: For those unaware, Tito is a reasonably common abbreviation of Theodore, Maddox's first name.

- Damir Markota: used to go by the surname Omerhodžić, but changed to Markota (his mother's maiden name) in 2004.

- Chet Mason: Chet is short for Chester, which you probably already knew.

- O.J. Mayo: O.J. stands for Ovinton J'Anthony. It would appear that he, too, is not sold on the idea of having the most unique name in the world.

- Scooter McFadgon: Scooter is a nickname. First name Cornelius. Brilliant.

- Pops Mensah-Bonsu: Full name is Nana Papa Yaw Mensah-Bonsu.

- C.J. Miles: Full name is Calvin Andrew Miles Jr, hence the C.J. (Calvin Junior).

- Mikki Moore: Real name is Clinton. Nickname comes from the fact that he was fat as a child (if you can believe that), and so he was so called after the fat kid, Little Mikey, from the Life Cereal commericals.

- B.J. Mullens: Can't seem to find out what the B.J. stands for. Can't seem to find out his birthday, either. He's an elusive little soul isn't he?

- Gabe Muoneke: Full name is Nnadubem Gabriel Enyinaya Muoneke. Gabriel abbreviates easier than Nnadubem does.

- Dikembe Mutombo: Full name is Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo.

- Nene: His name used to be Maybyner Hilario, but he went by the nickname "Nene", which meant "baby". Usually went by Nene Hilario in America. Eventually changed his name legally to just Nene.

- Moochie Norris: his name is Martyn. When he was a baby, his grandfather used to sing the Cab Calloway song "Minnie the Moocher" to him, his favourite song. It stuck.

- A.J. Ogilvy: A.J. stands for Andrew James.

- Emeka Okafor: full name is Chukwuemeka Ndubuisi Okafor.

- Bo Outlaw: real name is Charles. His mother nicknamed him Bo when he was little, but he doesn't know why.

- Zaza Pachulia: Zaza is a nickname. Real name Zaur.

- Smush Parker: Smush is a nickname, and it was also his dad's nickname. Don't know what it represents. Real name William.

- Tony Parker: Antonio is his middle name. First name is William.

- Sasha Pavlovic: As ever, Sasha is a nickname for Alexander (or, in this case, Aleksandar.)

- J.R. Pinnock: real name Danilo. The J.R. represents Junior, for he is a Junior, and he got bored of people who couldn't pronounce Danilo calling him "Danny". Tends to go by either or both names, depending on where you're looking.

- Carlos Powell: Name is really Ricardo Auturo Powell. Don't know where Carlos comes from.

- A.J. Price: A.J. stands for Anthony Jordan. His mum says that he wanted to name him after the two best basketball players ever, namely Michael Jordan and A.J.'s dad, Anthony Price. Hmmm. Think she might have missed out on a couple of candidates.

- Laron Profit: Laron is his middle name. First name Bronta. Not Loadsa, like it should be. Nor Maida. Or Turner. Or any other potential Profit pun.

- Shavlik Randolph: Shavlik is his middle name. First name Ronald.

- Theo Ratliff: Theo is short for Theophilius. Seemingly his parents chose to give him a name which allows for two possible shortening options. Pretty thoughtful.

- J.J. Redick: Full name is Jonathan Clay Redick. Was nicknamed "J" as a child, but he has twin sisters, and so when they both called him, it sounded like "J.J.", which then stuck. Luckily, they ended it there.

- J.R. Reynolds: Full name is James Richard Reynolds.

- Norm Richardson: Norm[an] is his middle name. First name Charles.

- Cheikh Samb: his often confusing name is, in full, Samb Cheikh Tidiane.

- Saer Sene: if you still call him this, it's time to change - his name is Mouhamed. Saer is his middle name, but he doesn't use it.

- Mustafa Shakur: Mustafa is in fact short for Mustafadden. He may just be the only person in the world with that name. Neither Google nor Facebook returns another.

- Tre Simmons: Real name Chester. Tre comes from the fact that he's Chester Simmons III.

- J.R. Smith: Real name Earl Smith III, suggesting once again that "J.R." is used to mean "Junior".

- Salim Stoudamire: Salim is his middle name. First name Charles.

- Amare Stoudemire: name is correctly spelt "Amar'e", but he didn't tell us this for six years. By this stage, I can't be arsed with it.

- D.J. Strawberry: stands for "Darryl Junior". Done so with (presumably) less affection than others who embrace their junior title, for they don't get on.

- Erick Strickland: short for "Demerick".

- Donell Taylor: him and his identical twin brother Ronell both go by their middle names, because they have the same first name - "Quence". Seems like an odd way of going about it.

- Hasheem Thabeet: his surname is Manka, but, after his father died, his took his middle name (and father's middle name) of "Thabit" and used that instead. But more phonetically typed.

- Etan Thomas: Etan is his middle name. First name Dedreck.

- P.J. Tucker: Full name Anthony Leon Tucker. P.J. stands for Pops Junior, becuase (you guessed it) he's a junior.

- Hedo Turkoglu: in the event that you didn't know, Hedo is short for Hidayet.

- Jake Voskuhl: Jacob is his middle name. First name Robert.

- Sasha Vujacic: see Pavlovic.

- Von Wafer: "Von" is an abridging of "Vakeaton," which is....a hell of a name.

- Judson Wallace: full name is Charles Judson Wallace. Seems to be called Judson by the NBA in every single instance, despite their own bio of him saying that he prefers C.J.. Often goes by Charles in European media, where they're very devoted to first names only. They even call Carlos Powell, Ricardo.

- C.J. Watson: full name is Charles Akeen Watson. And yes, he's a junior.

- Chris Webber: Christopher is one of his middle names. First name Mayce. He's a junior, but turned down MJ. Perhaps best.

- Sonny Weems: Real name Clarence Weems. He doesn't know why he's stuck with it, but it used to be his fathers nickname too.

- Bonzi Wells: Real name is Gawen DeAngelo Wells. His mum had cravings for Bonbons when pregnant with him, so his parents started calling him that, which eventually corrupted into Bonzi.

- D.J. White: Dewayne Junior.

That's all I got.


BIG NEWS: This website is, sort of, now on Twitter. All those basketball thoughts that I just couldn't be arsed to otherwise post can now be found here. Along with a lot of other pap.

Summer signings, round 11

- Darius Rice has left the immortally named Purefoods Tender Juicy Giants from the Phillipines, and is about to sign with Montegranaro in Italy. I think that translates as "Bread Mountain". I hope it does, anyway.

- A previous blog post talked about how Ivan Radenovic had had his contract with Akasvayu Girona extended. That news is now bunkum, for Girona have gone bankrupt, and are not playing this upcoming season. This leaves Radenovic now unsigned, unattacthed, undervalued and undernourish. (I still want you to buy Scouting For Girls CD's, by the way. I will keep pushing this until you do it. Buy buy buy.)

- The "points per shot" fans amongst us - basically me and me only - were extremely moist to hear that the Philadelphia 76ers have signed shooting guard Kareem Rush to form an incisive and efficient off-guard partnership with the incumbent Willie Green. These two players have a role to play for the Sixers, in that they are the only two guards currently under contract who can actually hit a three point shot. This is a positive. But the negative side-effect is that both of these players are really, really bad. The pair are both deemed "one dimensional scorers", but neither is any good at scoring. Willie Green last season scored 921 points on 870 shots, for a spectacularly bad 1.06 points per shot, a number that still somehow managed to raise his career average to a heady 1.02. Rush is even worse, scoring 588 points on 569 shots last year for a 1.03 PPS average, against a catastrophic career average of 1.01. Yeesh.

For the sake of a point of reference, free agent Sixers backup point guard Kevin Ollie has a career points per shot average of a modest 1.21. That from a man who has 9 made career three pointers. Technically, if you need someone to hit a shot, you are better served going to Kevin Ollie than Kareem Rush or Willie Green. While that statement lacks important context....it's something to think about. Supposed "scorers" suck at scoring, and it's not difficult to see this.

- In one of the more bizarre moves of the offseason so far, the Detroit Pistons signed Kwame Brown for $8 million over 2 years. How the HELL does Kwame Brown still keep getting these huge salaries? Have people not noticed that he's really bad, and has gotten worse for 4 years?

(Hey, do you remember when Kwame Brown was an athletic power forward with a decent face-up offensive game, reasonable touch, a shot, and the ability to catch? Yeah, me too. I want that Kwame back. Not this slow old centre who doesn't need to try or care anymore as people keep paying him anyway.)

- Former Net prospect Mile Ilic has signed for two years with Cajasol Sevilla in Spain. He replaces English legend, Andy Betts. I am not happy about this.

- The L.A. Clippers have used the last of their cap space on Ricky Davis. In terms of value, it's not a bad signing. The same could be said of their acquisition of Marcus Camby and Baron Davis. But what the Clippers have now is a nice veteran team, that isn't going anywhere. They might make the playoffs, but what then? What's going to put them over the top? Not sure. But, still. It'll be nice to have at least that, I guess.

(Bonus points to Art Vandelay for making the Joke I Wish I'd Thought Of: "I guess Baron Davis was just an addition to help Ricky score." If you don't know what that references, you suck.)

The Clippers are also reportedly talking to Shaun Livingston and Paul Davis, both of whom they have already renounced, but both of which would be decent pickups for the minimum. All told, they've had a reasonable if mismanaged offseason.

- Pistons draft pick Trent Plaisted has signed with Angellico Biella in Italy. You know that joke that I always make about Angellico Biella? Well, I'm not going to make it this time. No way. Nope. Non. Nein.

- The Raptors signed Will Solomon on the basis that they needed a third point guard, and they hadn't signed anyone from a European league for about three weeks. (I'm sorry, but if they want the stereotype to stop, they know what to do.) The fact that Solomon isn't really a point guard is something we'll overlook for the moment.

- Consistent NBA oversight Zendon Hamilton is still fighting the good fight, switching Russian teams from Enisey Krasnoyarsk to Spartak Primorie Vladivostok. Hamilton averaged 19ppg and 8.4 rpg last season on a really bad team, which is something that I just wanted you to know.

- Finally tonight, a rumour. The Bulls are apparently talking to the Kings about a trade that would involve Brad Miller, Cedric Simmons, Andres Nocioni and a lottery protected first round pick. The link comes from this blog, which you will never have heard of before, because it hasn't existed for very long. Normally, this is the kind of thing we should disregard off-handedly, but the guy who runs the blog has a proven reputation, and has been breaking Bulls news for a number of years now. Just not in the form of that blog. (He has a family connection within the Bulls front office, or something. Can't remember exactly.)

Will it come to fruition? I don't know. I hope so. But if it does, remember that you heard it here first. And if it doesn't, remember that you heard it there and there only, and all I did was steer you towards it, thus this is in no way my fault.

Summer signings, round 7

- In round 3, I set your collective minds at ease about the whereabouts of shaven headed corner lingerer, Jumaine Jones. I told you that he had signed in Italy. But apparently that's not the end of the matter. In a rather unique tale, Jumaine's two agents appear to have simultaneously agreed to two seperate contracts with two different teams in two different countries. Jones has seemingly agreed to sign with both Milano in Italy and with a team called Ural Great Perm in Russia. (Great name. A great name. Great perm, too.) I don't think there's any precedent for knowing quite what happens in situations such as this, so it's FIBA's problem now. Good stuff, though.

- On the off-chance that you can remember who Rashad Wright is - a Pacers secound rounder from 2004 who never made the NBA - then you'll be horny when you hear that he has signed with ALBA Berlin in Germany, after last played for Efes Pfilsen in Turkey. For those unaware....that's a backwards step. (No offense to ALBA Berlin fans. But it is. You know?)

- In news that I know will excite at least one reader of this website, former humoursly bad NBA player Reece Gaines has signed for Angelico Biella in Italy. I don't know who she is, but she sounds hot. I made that joke once before, and I shall continue to use it every time the name Angelico Biella crops up, because I'm unoriginal like that. (If you've never received a "hey, do you know what's happened to Reece Gaines?" email in your life, then you're missing out. Ask nicely and I'll write you one. Maybe.)

- Loukas Mavrokefalidis remains in Greece, going from Olympiakos to Maroussi Costa Coffee, where he'll join none other than Andreas Glyniadakis. Try spelling that frontcourt while shitfaced on Mescaline. Can't be done.

- Jorge Garbajosa did indeed sign with Khimky, as thread in a previous blog post. I guess the leg's better now, eh?

- Just In Cage has signed with Belgacom Liege in Belgium (or, specifically, in Liege in Belgium). This news may interest you if you are a Bulls fan - Cage played mediocrely for the Bulls summer league team last season, but was invited to training camp anyway, where he didn't last for very long. However, at some point between the two events, David Thorpe (who was working with Cage in some capacity) wrote a glowing commendation of Cage's hero-like basketball abilities. Certain Bulls fans bought into that, and began planning the franchise's entire direction around the formidable Justin "Magical" Cage. So news of hsi signing in the Belgian league will piss on those people's chips.

- Another Bulls summer league and former Spur, Keith Langford, is on the cusp of signing for Bologna in Italy. That's all I have to say about that. And now onto news about actual NBA players.

- The Spurs re-signed Kurt Thomas, and also signed Creighton's finest Anthony Tolliver. It has to be said that, while everyone's talking about the potential juicy goodness of the 2010 free agency class, no one has talked about the Spurs's potential impact on it. They do, after all, have only two players under contract that summer, and even though Manu Ginobili will be a free agent that summer, the Spurs have enough room to give him an extension and still be able to throw an arseload of cheese at a big name player. They'll have only the merest bare bones of a squad, but an aging foursome of Ginobili, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker and, say, Dirk Nowitzki....well, you'd have to respect that, even if the other 9 players are on minimum salary contracts. Which they'd probably have to be. (Note: given the way things work in the NBA, this scenario will prove to impossible within next to no time. Either Dirk will sign an extension, the salary cap won't increase as expected, or the Spurs will spend money on multiple lesser players. Or the franchise will fold. Or all four of those things. This is why I don't make predictions any more - they suck and are hard. Giggidy.)

- Sebastian Telfair re-signed with the Minnesota Timberwolves, after a 'breakout' season in which he shot 40%.

- The Detroit Pistons are to sign Will Bynum, which could be amusing if Lindsey Hunter sticks around for another season. Imagine looking down that bench for a point guard who can hit a jumpshot. Good luck.

- Ricky Davis is the latest reasonably big name NBA player to be offered a disproportionally huge amount of money from Greek club Olympiakos as a replacement for Loukas Mavrokefalidis...........

- .....And Josh Childress did go to Olympiakos after all. Good on you, sir.

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Fat Man Scorned

Every time Shaquille O'Neal leaves a franchise - be it his decision or otherwise - he is always sure to piss on the siblings of whoever he feels like, once his overweight ass is finally squeezed out of the door. It's an act that used to be amusing and/or coute, but the cuteness dried up long ago.

This season is no exception - after leaving Miami, who gave him $100 million for 50 games of work, O'Neal decided to try and make the circumstances of his departure acrimonious, even though they weren't.

"[In Phoenix] I love playing for this coach and I love playing with these guys," said O'Neal yesterday. "We have professionals who know what to do. No one is asking me to play with Chris Quinn or Ricky Davis. I'm actually on a team again."

Boston Globe

Shaq must get some kind of pleasure out of throwing whomever he chooses under the bus for the purposes of getting a good quote to give to the press, because he does it a lot despite it having no practical purpose. In this instance, though, his quote is wildly hypocritical.

Little about Shaq is professional. He tries hard when he feels like it, and at no other times, times which are becoming increasingly few and far between. Shaq has also never tried to control his weight in the offseason, leaving himself having to play his way into shape during training camp, preseason and the early regualr season, which leads to the inevitable injuries that leave him having to sit out half of the season. (Oh no! How bad that must be for him!)

Annoyingly, he's been able to get away with it historically, due to his being so much better than everybody else. But this no longer applies. These days, Shaq isn't that good, and even though his confidence is unwavering (someone should ask him if he still makes free throws when it counts after his 33% shooting from the line in last season's first round sweep by Chicago), his skills are not. And so now, you're left with a player whose play is far beneath what it was, but whose persona refused to adapt.

Chris Quinn and Ricky Davis are not very good NBA players, but they play hard every night, even if they don't play very well. There's a whole lot more to being a "professional" than just being very good - as with any job, that tag brings with it an agreement to try hard as much as is reasonably possible, to shut your face, and to not cause trouble. O'Neal does not adhere to these things - consistently, he talks up new teammates to make them happy, to ease in his arrival, and to get the media and the public talking. Then when he leaves, he is sure to demean his former teammates while touting his new ones, just so that some of the blame for previous failures can be deflected away from him. Oh, and also to get his laugh.

Maybe his news Suns teammates can umpart some of their professionalism on him, before he knifes them in the back too. We;re now just awaiting the Championship guarantee.

And speaking of deliberate losing.....

......there's just so so much wrong with this that I can barely even begin.



48 minutes for Chris Quinn? Ricky Davis as the best player? 25.6% shooting? 10 free throws? Mark Blount rebounding line Mark Blount? 12 assists to 13 turnovers? Needless question marks?

Bollocks to it all. That's awful. Deliberately awful, and thus not amusingly awful. Bad times.

Still, it's not the worst lineup of all time. That honour goes to the 1999/00 Chicago Bulls, who offered up this joy of joys.

Chicago vs New Jersey, 04/21/1999


And closely following is this inspiring effort from the 2002/03 Denver Nuggets.

Denver vs Dallas, 01/06/2003



Spot the common variable.

30 teams in 56 or so days: Minnesota

Players acquired via free agency or trade:

Greg Buckner (acquired from Dallas)
Michael Doleac (acquired from Miami)
Antoine Walker (acquired from Miami)
Theo Ratliff (acquired from Boston)
Ryan Gomes (acquired from Boston)
Al Jefferson (acquired from Boston)
Sebastian Telfair (acquired from Boston)
Gerald Green (acquired from Boston)



Players acquired via draft:

First round: Corey Brewer (7th overall)
Second round: Chris Richard (41st overall)



Players retained:

None



Players departed:

Mark Blount (traded to Miami)
Ricky Davis (traded to Miami)
Kevin Garnett (traded to Boston)
Trenton Hassell (traded to Dallas)
Troy Hudson (bought out)
Mike James (traded to Houston)
Justin Reed (traded to Houston)
Bracey Wright (left unrestricted, signed in Greece)



Bobbins:

You probably want me, or expect me, to burn the shit out of Kevin McHale in this space, as I have done so many times in the past. But it's not going to happen. I actually think he's done a nice job this offseason, all things considering.

The reason I say "all these considering", is that McHale has done a rather nice job of restructuring a team that, apart from New York, was about the hardest possible team to reconstruct. With multiple long and bad contracts (you can see their almost-accurate payroll of last season here), and also with first round draft picks still owed to Boston and the Los Angeles Clippers, the Timberwolves were roundly fucked. With only a couple of young players worth a damn and with only superstar Kevin Garnett providing any value worth a damn, McHale had only one option - to trade Kevin Garnett and start again.

He could have gone the other way, signed a veteran, and made another playoff push, hoping that the impossible would occur and that the Timberwolves would suddenly have enough firepower to rival the West's best teams. That would have been a really stupid thing to do, though, It was also a really stupid thing to do last year with the Mike James signing, and it was a pretty stupid thing to do the year before with the Mark Blount trade. So thankfully, he and ever so slightly intrusive owner Glen Taylor didn't go this route again. If he had done so, euthanasia may have been justified.

Everyone seems to believe, though, that the Timberwolves did not get nearly enough in return for Garnett. KG's value isn't what it would have been had this move been made two years ago, but it was still very high. Critics, professional or otherwise, seem to believe that Minnesota did not get nearly enough in return for Garnett. They received Al Jefferson (one of the best young post players in the game, and incidentally, the upcoming winner of this season's rebounding title, and if you disagree then you're just wrong), Gerald Green (wildly overhyped prospect whose option they did not then exercise, bringing the hype back down to Earth), Ryan Gomes (useful role player), Theo Ratliff (massive expiring contract), Sebastian Telfair (far smaller expiring contract with a very outside chance of being a Marcus Banks type reclaimation project), and two first round picks, one of which was being returned to Minnesota after Boston got it in the Mark Blount/Wally Szczerbiak deal thing.

Let's put that into context. In other recent superstar trades, here's what transpired:

a) Miami trades Lamar Odom, Brian Grant, Caron Butler, first round pick (used on Jordan Farmar), second round pick (moved onto Dallas, turned into the insatiable Renaldas Seibutis) to the L.A. Lakers for Shaquille O'Neal (which would have been a decent return had the Lakers not then gifted Butler to the Wizards for Kwame Brown, a player who they didn't need then nor now).

2) Houston trades Steve Francis, Cuttino Mobley and Kelvin Cato to Orlando for Tracy McGrady, Tyronn Lue, Reece Gaines and Juwan Howard (basically horrific for Orlando).

3) New Jersey trades Aaron Williams, Eric Williams, Alonzo Mourning and two first round picks (one used on Joey Graham, the other dealt to New York and used on Renaldo Balkman) to Toronto for Vince Carter (unmitigated shitness regardless of circumstance).

4) Denver trades Joe Smith, Andre Miller and two first round picks (one traded to Miami and used on Daequan Cook with Jason Smith going the other way, the other dealt to Portland and used on Petteri Koponen) to Philadelphia for Allen Iverson and Ivan McFarlin (um, OK).



Now you tell me what historical precedent tells us about superstar's returning value in trades. It ranges from mediocre to freakin' awful.

And now tell me again why the package Minnesota got of a premium young player, big financial savings, two first round picks and a couple of potentially useful peripheral parts is such a bad thing.

In addition to the big trade, Minnesota made several smaller ones. In trading Trenton Hassell for Greg Buckner, they traded a player who was reportedly a right moanarse in the locker room, who had a big contract and who wasn't very good anyway, for a lesser player who doesn't moan and who has a lot less guaranteed money coming his way for fewer years. Trading Mike James for Juwan Howard again got them a player with less guaranteed money over fewer years, and buying out Troy Hudson's third partially guaranteed year again turned a three year contract into a two year one while losing no playe rof any significance (it's been a theme). And in the Mark Blount and Ricky Davis to Miami trade, Minnesota managed to again trade a big contract with three years remaining (Blount) for one with only two left (Walker), while also getting a first round draft pick in the deal.

It's only a shame that they couldn't swap Mark Madsen for Adrian Griffin or somebody. They could have then completed the set.





Next season:

If you're going to flounder and die, you might as well do so with some purpose to it. Nothing about the Timberwolves recent history offered up much in the way of hope. Since McHale began disbanding the 2003-2004 team (arguably the league's best team that year) with such heroic ineptitude that he just had to keep his job for three more years - using such tactical masterstrokes as trading Sam Cassell and a first round pick for Marko Jaric, and the previously mentioned Wally Szczerbiak trade - Minnesota has witnessed one subsequent year of frustrating mediocrity, and two years of something worse than that. In those two years, complete tank jobs have had to be pulled just so that the franchise was able to keep the pick it had originally given up to the Clippers for Jaric in the first place, and they won 65 games combined over the last two years for this reason.

It wasn't going anywhere, and with two first rounders owing and only two young players (Chris Smith and Randy Foye) worth a damn, they weren't getting out of the 35ish win range any time soon.

So they finally blew it up. And I'm glad. You should be, too.

It's just gone so tits up for so long basketball wise, that it's just refreshing to see things go rather well for a change. The dream of Garnett playing his whole career in Minnesota was still held by some, which has led to fall out, but it shoulda been shot to shit a long time before now. If it had, maybe those last two years need not have happened. In one offseason, Minnesota transformed itself from a team in transition going from bad to worse, into a team that may one day go places.

Of course, they might not. They are still led by the insatiable pairing of McHale and Taylor, who are always liable to fuck things right up in ways you never previously thought conceivable (Mark Madsen's still got three years left, by the way. I thought this needed highlighting twice, you see). But if they can stave off their compulsion to destroy everything (by the way, Two For The Money starring Al Pacino and Matthew McConaughey isn't THAT bad of a film if you stop it at the hour mark), Minnesota might start headed places again some day soon.

There's a good chance that this new look lineup tops out in a few years at the 40 win barrier that the franchise just traded Garnett to get away from. Still, they can but try.

30 teams in 56 or so days: Miami

Players acquired via free agency or trade:

Mark Blount (acquired from Minnesota)
Ricky Davis (acquired from Minnesota)
Smush Parker (signed, 2 years, $4,680,000)
Joel Anthony, Brian Chase, Devin Green, Penny Hardaway, Alexander Johnson, Jeremy Richardson and Marcus Slaughter (all signed to the minimum salary with assorted levels of partial guarantees. If you include holdovers Earl Barron and Chris Quinn, you have 8 players on the bubble, 4 of whom are going to have to be cut.)



Players acquired via draft:

First round: Daequan Cook (21st overall, acquired in draft night deal)
Second round: None



Players retained:

Earl Barron (re-signed, unguaranteed qualifying offer)



Players departed:

Michael Doleac (traded to Minnesota)
Wayne Simien (traded to Minnesota)
Antoine Walker (traded to Minnesota)
Eddie Jones (signed with Miami)
Jason Kapono (signed with Toronto)
Gary Payton (put to sleep)
James Posey (signed with Boston)



Bobbins:

It seems fitting to "do" Miami next, given that they are a team recently in the news. If you are like me, and you're the kind of person that tends to get so excited when a transaction is made that a little bit of wee seeps out, then you probably secreted when you learnt of the recent Miami/Minnesota trade. That move saw Miami trades Antoine Walker, Wayne
Simien, Michael Doleac, a first-round pick and cash to Minnesota for Ricky Davis and Mark Blount, which potentially salvaged a crappy offseason for Miami.

Despite previous protestations about how the team would never be a taxpayer, last year's capitulation at the hands of the incomparably superior Chicago Bulls awakened Riley, Pfund and that lot to the fact that their team just isn't that good any more. The Heat had committed themselves financially to a core that had a championship window of exactly one year. They capitalised on that, winning the title in that one year of 2006, but they did so at a cost. The fallout from that left them with one young superstar and a heap of overpaid elderly codswallop. Codswallop, by the way, is a much underused word, especially in the NBA world. It means "nonsense", "rubbish", "crap", and stuff to that effect. I have two big aims for the world of basketball this year - firstly to get a complete scrub to the All Star game by mass manipulation of the online ballot (who this will be has not been decided upon yet, it depends on who is on the ballot), and also to get the word codswallop started on its long journey towards every day usage in the NBA world. Today, this day, this place, this paragraph, marks the start of that journey. Pay heed.

This elderley supporting case was enough to get it done in 2006, but last year the Heat showed their age. Starting point guard Jason Williams may only be 31, but he was exposed as a weakness last year - while the heart and head were willing, the knees were not. His backup, Gary Payton, was perhaps the worst rotation player in basketball last year. His main rival for that title was team mate Antoine Walker, while veteran centres Alonzo Mourning and Michael Doleac did not do much to offset the loss of Shaquille O'Neal, who had the worst season of his professional career as 35 year olds tend to do.

Needing to spend, and with permission granted from whoever it is that pays the bills, Miami then tried to get a bit of everybody. With starter Jason Kapono snapped up by Toronto within about 18 seconds of the free agency period starting, Miami let him leave unchallenged, rightly unwilling to pay that price tag. However, despite continuing to negotiate with James Posey, the Heat weren't able to convince him to stay either, as he signed with Boston. And with Eddie Jones having already signed with Dallas, Miami was left in the rather awkward position of not having any wing players that could make an outside shot, and also with the frankly scary possibility of having Antoine Walker start at small forward next year.

In addition to looking for a wing player or two that didn't suck, Miami was also seeking to upgrade their piss weak point guard position, and add a veteran big for insurance. These three seperate chases led them to pursue all manner of free agents and trade possibilities, from such diverse names as Maurice Williams, Charlie Bell, Mickael Pietrus, Allan Houston, P.J. Brown, Sasha Pavlovic, Ime Udoka, Mike Bibby, Juan Carlos Navarro, Ron Artest, Jannero Pargo, Rafer Alston, Corey Maggette, Steve Francis, Matt Barnes, Morris Peterson, Steve Blake, Gerald Wallace, Sarunas Jasikevicius, James Singleton and Vitaly freakin' Potapenko - basically, everybody. Only one of those moves went anywhere, when Miami signed Bell to an offer sheet, that Milwaukee swiftly matched.

The anti-climactic feeling of it all hit home when Miami announced their first two prominent free agency signings as being Smush Parker and Penny Hardaway, two players that are, frankly, a bit crap. The signings also summed up the bipolar nature of Pat Riley's offseason pursuits: after harping on for ages and ages about wanting a young and athletic lineup (the signings of players such as Parker, Marcus Slaughter, Alexander Johnson and Jeremy Richardsonhelp here), Riley also can't seem to resist trying to sign every old bastard that used to be any good (Jones, Hardaway, Houston), which seemed directly contradictory to the young athletes thing. But, oh well, whatever.

After the Bell thing went wrong, nothing much happened. The Heat continued to pursue all kinds of trades and free agency possibilties, to no avail. They rounded out their roster with more young athletes, and went to camp still working the phones but accepting the fact that nothing may come of it. And when Shaq's inevitable injury turned up and Dwyane Wade added in one of his own, the Heat were staring down a lottery spot.

Then just this past week, it got interesting, as Miami was finally able to do something. And the trade they made was a good one. They landed two of their probable top 9 players in Davis and Blount while only giving up spare parts to do so. Losing Antoine Walker is a case of addition by subtraction, Davis gives them a useful scorer and athlete at the wing position which Miami had sought all offseason, and Blount gives them a center whose limited face-up game is still useful when playing alongside Dwyane Wade, even if he does have a massive inability to catch.

All it really cost Miami was an extra year of Blount's big salary over Antoine's, and a first round pick that won't be high in an ideal world anyway. It's a trade that has put Miami back into the playoff picture, although they still aren't even nearly as good as their fans would like you to believe.

But who's to say that they've finished yet?



Next season:

In my Bobcats post, I talked about how I had decided upon my 8 Eastern seeds for the playoffs. Miami wasn't one of them at the time. Now, they are.

It's still a flawed team, with the worst point guard rotation around, and with the very overrated Udonis Haslem still starting at point guard. The team is still dependent on how much Shaq is willing to give a shit, and Miami is also still largely a two man team dependent on Shaq's health (and his continued descent towards mediocrity).

But that can be enough. The Cleveland Cavaliers, after all, are the epitomy of a one man team, and they amde the NBA Finals. They used a helluva lot of luck to get there, as their playoff matchups opened up wonderfully for them. But you can only beat who is in front of you, and that's what Cleveland did.

Miami is far from the best team in the East these days, let alone in the NBA overall. Their supporting cast to the two stars is rather poor, and the Shaq/Wade duo are not exactly the best examples of durability. But if various circumstances all come good at the same time, Miami has themselves a team that can make inroads in the East. If they can scrape into the playoffs and maintain good health all around at the most crucial time, then they won't be an easy matchup for whoever they play. Everyone said much the same last year, but they forgot two key things:

a) The Heat were never healthy.
b) Nor were they even nearly good enough.

This offseason, they've improved. They've cut out most of the crap, and added some talent. It's a better team than it was.

But it's not a title team. Not even close.

Actually, no, it pissed me off a great deal (re: NBA in London)

The following note is too long.

People have repeatedly asked me what my thoughts are/were concerning the NBA preseason game played this Wednesday in London. I'm not actually from London, living about 30 miles north of the city's northernmost point. But it's close enough to count, and as close as the NBA is ever going to get to me.

So I will share those thoughts with you now.

I did not go to the game. I originally intended to, but even from several months in advance, I could not seem to get any tickets. I don't care about Boston or Minnesota, but I just wanted the NBA experience, and to be in the same room as this sport and these athletes who I spend a ridiculously huge amount of my life following. There's also maybe an outside chance that I get to hump Fred Hoiberg's leg, so that would be another good reason for going. But alas, it wasn't to be.

My friend Michael tried to sell me his ticket, but I couldn't take him up on the offer. He's well off, and I'm not. He had a good seat, and I could only afford a nosebleeder. So that wasn't an option.

I was therefore stuck with watching the game at home. That wasn't an altogether unpleasant experience, as it marked the first and only time I've been able to watch a live NBA during normal daylight hours from the comfort of my bed. It's only a minor victory, but I'm a man of simple pleasures.

However, being able to do this had its consequences. For those unaware of how this works - which is probably most of you - there's incredibly little coverage of the NBA whatsoever over here in the wonderful island nations of Great Britain. Our basketball leagues themselves are shite, and there's almost no following or foothold for the sport.

In 1997, a terrestrial (meaning free) TV channel was launched called Channel 5 (now simply known as "Five"). One of the channel's earliest features, which has survived to this day, was the concept of having live American sport on throughout the night. They began with baseball, screening ESPN's Sunday and Wednesday Night Baseball games live, along with an occasional but extremely rare showing or two of This Week In Baseball. They also had some hockey, picked up some small NFL coverage (major satellite channel Sky Sports also has some of this, for it is the biggest of the major American sports here), and picked up NBA coverage just a couple of years ago.

Their coverage of the sport features a live game every Tuesday night, with a taped run of NBA TV's highlight show thing played beforehand. It's not much, but it's all that we've got, and so we run with it. The internet is a great resource for us hardened and pathetic fans, but this is all we get TV wise. It's not a lot.

What they do provide, though, is reasonably well done. The in-studio pairing of Mark Webster and Andre Alleyne doesn't offer much in the way of knowledge (Webster is the ultimate utility player, who can present any type of sports show, and who also seems to find radio work as a music, movie and "lifestyle" critic, yet he hasn't watched any basketball since about 1994), while Alleyne knows everything about the British basketball scene but not the NBA. Nevertheless, they provide good comentary and entertainment, play to their strengths, and don't get above their station. The game itself is just a replayed feed of the ESPN/NBC game itself, using American commentary. Which is probably safest.

However, in the run-up to this event, Five have made a bit of an effort. Adverts have run for a few weeks in advance, and they even cobbled together a preview show.

What they did in these adverts, though, annoys me intensely. So much so, in fact, that I did something that I've only done once before in life - I wrote a complaint letter.

I won't go into details, for most of it is outlined below. But basically, Channel 5 insulted our intelligence and potentially half of their viewership by adveritising the NBA brand to only black youths and wiggers. I'd go into this in more detail in this space, but as you're about to see, this post is way too long as it is. So I won't.



Anyway, onto the game itself. Here's what I noticed:


- During introductions, which went on for an overly long time as every single scrub managed to get his name announced, Kevin Garnett absolutely stole the show with a ridiculously long ovation. People in this country don't know anything about basketball, and those that do know merely only the basics (more on that later, re: Darren Bent interview). I firmly believe that I'm the only hardcore fan around. So you can imagine how greatly it disappointed me when Mark Madsen got one of the most underwhelming receptions of anybody. What? Why don't people know and respect who Mark Madsen is? Bastards. I'll have to change this.


- The game started with Boston playing reasonably well on both ends, and with Minnesota having absolutely no offensive strategy whatsoever. However, they hold the lead for almost all of the first quarter, as Ricky Davis is taking (and hitting) everything he can get his hands on. A sequence towards the end of the quarter is extremely indicative of the entire Ricky Davis Experience - off a Boston miss, Davis brings the ball up on a 2 on 5, goes behind the back to evade a gamble for a steal, then pulls up and shoots a three with no one in offensive rebounding position. He makes it. The crowd goes "yay!".

On the next possession, he shoots a 30 foot three in rhythm with 21 seconds left on the shot clock. He does not make it. The crowd does no go "yay!".

Thus starts and ends your entire Timberwolves offense so far without Al Jefferson (who, for some bizarre reason, is starting on the bench, as are all the regularly scheduled Timberwolves starters other than Davis and possibly Ryan Gomes. So it was nice of them to bring their A-game to this one-off sporting event of great importance in a country that really needs to see the cream of the crop to make the sport catch on. Thanks for that, Randy Wittman).


- The experience of this decidedly mediocre game featuring two wildly mismatched teams is awkward enough, without it having to suffer from sloppy presentation. But it does. All NBA basketball coverage in this country is played in with the American audio feed, like I said earlier. But if it's a British Basketball League game, or some Eurobasket/ULEB Cup games, the same commentator does every single game. I've never learned his name other than "Roy", and I don't like him, So it fills me full of dread when I find out that he is the play by play commentator for this game. I'm not going to enjoy this.

Sure enough, within minutes, he fluffs his first name. Struggling for words after a Minnesota miss, Roy stumbles out this seminal phrase:

"And the rebound there.......by the big fella.....number 55.......whose name is.........Estebaaaaaaan, Basteeta!"

He took so long over looking up the guy's name that Brian Scalabrine (who is apparently going by the name Scallerbreen tonight, or so says our Roy) has had to time to run down the other end and clank a jumpshot. And when Roy does stumble upon the right name, he gets it wrong anyway.

Someone give me this fucking job. Do it now.


- One thing Roy does have going for him, though, is that he is a honky. This isn't necessarily a positive, and nor would being black necessarily a negative. But in relative terms, it's a rare and beautiful thing. As outlined above, Channel 5 has apparently decided to try and appeal to one extremely specific market, like a minority insurance broker would. But they didn't stop at the aforementioned adverts - they decided to black out the entire lineup of presenters. While still featuring the regular studio pairing of Mark Webster and Andre Alleyne (one of each there), the sideline reporter for this game is wheelchair basketball star Adrian Adepitan, and in the in-studio special guest for the game is DJ Jazzy Jeff, of all people. Jeff's inclusion in the show is extremely pointless, although he does OK. But Adepitan, while he brings plenty of energy and enthusiasm to the proceedings, doesn't exactly endear himself to the masses. Again, more on this later - racial intergration is going to be something of a subplot to this post.


- Back to the game, and Tony Allen has subbed in. The first two seasons of Allen's career were marked by decent defensive play and athleticism, but incredibly shoddy offensive skills. Without any real ball handling skills and with a bad jumpshot, Allen would turn the ball over a lot, and didn't exactly fit in fluidly with any schemes the Celtics put him in. However, for a two month cameo last season, Allen seemed to have turned the corner, with vastly improved dribbling skills, improving his scorng efficiency roughly tenfold. His knee then blew out, and his season was over. So now that he has returned, is he the Tony Allen of old, or the Tony Allen of old? (If that makes sense. Which it doesn't.)

Based on the incredibly small sample size offered up by this first quarter, it's the old Tony Allen that we see before us, not the reformed Tony Allen. He looks......bad. So here's to small sample sizes - the ultimate ignorance conraceptive.


- Considering this game was a sell out months in advance, there's a ridiculously large number of empty seats in this o2 arena, which wasn't particularly big to begin with. This annoys me. It's a similar problem to what the English Football Association is having with national games in the new Wembley Stadium - corporations and men in suits buy the tickets as a novelty rather than due to their passion for the sport, and then they don't turn up. The same happens in the front row of every year's World Snooker Championship Final. It's stupid. It also appears to have happened here, and so despite the organiser's best efforts to replicate the usual NBA product with unnecessary mid game music, cheerleaders and other such stupid shit, the place lacks atmosphere. Inbounds plays are accompanied with a deathly silence, and you can hear Kendrick Perkins run around shouting on defense. It's eerie, and very unpleasant.

If the NBA had put a better product on the floor tonight (and if Randy Wittman put his best product on the floor), people would focus more on the game. Then they might have a good time. Then they might want to watch it again some day. And then they might become fans of the game. Just a wild strategy I'm throwing out there.


- Towards the end of the first quarter, after a highlight play, the camera pans briefly to a shot of the Minnesota bench. A player who I can't identify (may have been Chris Richard) is seen standing in front of the bench, with no warm-up top on, but with his warm up pants jacked up extremely high. The resulting Simon Cowell-esque trousers look, combined with the garish colour clash of the jersey versus the warm-ups, made him look incredibly stupid. This needed pointing out.


- Another weird facet of this game is that both teams are being treated by the crowd as the home team, getting whooped and cheered in equal measure. The ringside announcer does likewise, shouting names such as Ricky Davis and Brian Scalabrine with similar enthusiasm. This is an odd experience that I've never had before. But it's not necessarily a bad one.


- Kendrick Perkins opened the game with an isolation play that resulted in him making a nice fallaway jumpshot. Since then, he's missed The World's Easiest Layup, flumped around awkwardly, tried to make a putback off the shot clock, and hasn't exactly oozed offensive efficiency. Still, he's alongside Kevin Garnett. It's not that important that he scores, really.


- By this time, Minnesota's lack of offense from anyone not called Ricky is proving to be a going concern. They finish the first quarter ahead, but only because Davis has 16 of their points. No one else has done anything of note, with the exception of surprise starter Theo Ratliff, who has 4 points (one off of an isolation play), and who looks like the Theo Ratliff of old. More on this later, because it's too baffling of a thought at this moment.


- When Minnesota comes off the court to end the quarter, the cameraman (who suffers from a bad case of the shakes all night) once again pans to the Minnesota bench. Juwan Howard comes off the bench to greet the players coming off the court, and puts his arm around Gerald Green, doing the Mr-Miyagi-Daniel-san thing for which he is there. He slaps Gerald on the arse. Then he rubs his arse in a circular motion. Then he slaps it twice more. This didn't need to happen. The athletic bumslap NEVER needs to happen. But if you are ever compelled to do it, just do it once. Anything more and it turns awkward. Juwan has proven this.


- Esteban Batista has grown his hair into a rather fluffy fashion. It doesn't make him look very menacing. Someone needs to have a word.


- Oh by the way, I forgot to mention something. At the top, when I was rambling about commentator Roy McWonderface and the all-black lineup surrounding him, I neglected to mention Roy's (ironically named) colour commentator. The choice for tonight's broadcast is former NBA scrub Steve Bucknell, a man whom you've either never heard of, or whom you confused for the international cricket umpire of a very similar name. The reason I forgot to mention this is that Bucknell has barely said a damn word throughout the entire broadcast to date. This, however, is a good thing, because it doesn't take long to transpire that he is really bad. He may know the game of basketball fairly well, but he, like Roy, does not know anything about any of the NBA players on show. Nevertheless, Buck is a trooper, and after Eddie House comes in and knocks down a three, Bucknell offers up this golden nugget:

"Eddie House is good."

Yep. Thank you Steve, you champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while?

Bucknell also delivers his lines in a monotone and yawn-enducing fashion. But more on that later, too.


- Gerald Green walks around between plays with a snarl on his face and an unnecessarily gangster lean in his walk, rivalled only by that of Tampa Bay Rays starting pitcher J.P. Howell. I'm not sure I like it. At least look a bit happier with your life. You're a millionaire for bouncing a ball around, your life could be worse.


- By the way, Violet Palmer is still Violet Palmer.


- A broken play winds up with the ball underneath Minnesota's basket, in the hands of Esteban Basteeta. The fluffy headed one sells an ever-increasingly elaborate series of up fakes to try and get his defender, Craig Smith, to bite. Smith does not do so, and the reason he does not do so is probably because the fakes were the most unimpressive ones since the days of Anthony Mason. Perhaps Batista should put those toys away now. Or just tone them down slightly. No pump fake should start from the knees and end up with full skyward extension. That's just overkill.


- OK, seriously? To quote Iain Dowie and Twiztid at the same time, Theo Ratliff's bouncebackability is off the chain. He looks younger, he is moving with a freedom not seen since his brief cameo with Portland immediately after his trade from Atlanta, and he's once again trying to block everything with varying degrees of success. He has also demonstrated at least three offensive moves. It's wild stuff. At this point I wish I was able to say something like "if Ratliff has a bounce back year, and Juwan Howard's second wind continues, then don't sleep on these young, talented Timberwolves this season". But I can't. Neither could you if you'd just watched them in that first quarter.


- This is the first game that I have ever seen Corey Brewer play. He has been absolutely unredoubtably awful. His awfulness was highlighted by a wide (wiiiiide) open corner three that hit the side of the backboard. Probably best to just scratch this game of his from my mind and pretend it didn't happen.


- Shave off the beard, Al Jefferson. I know a thing or two about shit beards, for I own one. And you, sir, have a shit beard.


- Roy The Commentator surpasses himself, calling Marko Jaric "Maric" twice on two straight possessions, and then calling Rashad McCants something too unspeakably funny to type here. I wish I could believe that this was on purpose, for it would make me like Roy more. But I can't. He's just that much of an idiot.


- Speaking of McC*nts: serious knee injury aside, has this guy improved any since his first year? All I see is the same one dimensional wild-jumpshot-jacking player as before. I'd quite like that to change. I think Minnesota would quite like that to change, too. He also chews his gum with way too much gusto. It's nice to have a bit of passion and energy in your life, but this shouldn't be the way that he chooses to express it. The gum chewing is so loud, and the arena is so quiet, that we can hear it on the broadcast.


- In my free hand notes, I have written this:

"gerald green has no idea what he is doing"

I can't remember what it references exactly, but I stand by it.


- 7 minutes left into the second quarter, and Minnesota's jumpshot airball count stands at 4. None were worse than Brewer's miss from the corner, athough Ryan Gomes had a very short range shot that he put way too much mustard on that was also pretty ugly. Amazingly they're still winning, despite Boston playing better on both ends of the floor. And it was all because of Ricky Davis's lucid moment.


- Coming up to half time now, and sideline reporter Ade Adepitan has landed us four sideline interviews with celebrities thus far. Those four have been West Ham United footballers Anton Ferdinand and Carlton Cole, Chelsea star Didier Drogba, and Simon Webb from the boy band Blue.

What do those 4 have in common?

(Hint: do a Google image search. And remember what I said earlier about subplots.)


- During a timeout, action cuts quickly back to Webster, Alleyne and Jazzy Jeff in the studio. Alleyne conducts a brief interview with Jazz, whom he calls "Jeff". I thought that was noteworthy. Anyway, Webbo asks Jeff who the best celebrity basketball player is. Jeff responds with "R Kelly's pretty good". Hmm, OK. Not the story I heard, but OK.

Webster then says that he wishes he was R Kelly, then quickly retracts it. Probably best.


- You know, I might like Boston this year. I have no reason to dislike them (apart from James Posey), yet historically I always have. I think it's because I'm naturally adverse to the colour green. This year, though, they have acquired Garnett and Ray Allen, as well we know. This now gives them three eloquent superstars with some semblance of personality and intelligence. I look for these characteristics in basketball players, and Boston now has it. I like that. They also have Scot Pollard.....

....and I'll leave that sentence hanging so that you can finish it to suit yourselves.


- Tony Allen needs wart surgery on his left shoulder. That thing is disconcerting.


- I'd just like to say that I love the fact that Brian Scalabrine is in this league. The only thing that makes me happier than being able to root for him day in and day out, is the fact that he's not on my team. Much like kids falling over in car parks, it's great fun when it happens to somebody else.


- Roy called him Marko Maric again. For God's sake. How hard is your job, Roy? Couldn't you have spent at least 15 seconds learning these things before the show started? Jesus H.


- By the way, speaking of Marko Maric, he's not playing very well today, but I'd dearly love to have him on any team of mine. That is, if he wasn't on a 6 year $40 million contract. And since he is......screw it, Minnesota can keep him.


- Steve Bucknell comes out with his second sentence of the game immediately after Roy says Maric, leading with the opening gambit "this Marko guy". There you go, Steve. At least you dare not try to overcome your ignorance. Sensible to stick with what you know.


- Eddie House ("good") makes a nice no-look pass to a cutting Basteeta for a dunk. The move is instantly replayed, as Roy announces it as being the "E.A. Spoots Go-To Move". So apparently his inability to talk properly stretches beyond just the players names. Hmmm. Maybe he's just caned or something.


- Oh God. Now Lewis freakin' Hamilton is being interviewed. We're now 5 to 0 on the Celebrity Sideline Interview Black Vs White ratio counter. And something tells me we're not quite done yet. It isn't even half time.


- Minnesota is playing absolutely terribly to end the first half, and finally relinquishes their lead, as Boston goes on a quick 13 point turnaround. Worringly, Minnesota is playing their normal bench lineup at this moment, which spells danger for the upcoming season. You should never read too much into preseason, but, if this is the best offensive continuity that they can manage with opening night only three weeks away.......there's going to be tears.


- Marko "Silvio" Maric is at the free throw line. Before he shoots his first shot, Roy lauds Marko's free throw shooting abilities, using the descriptive phrase "absolutely outstanding" to describe them. Marko then promptly misses the first. Has anyone done any scientific research on this commentator's curse thing? I swear it exists. Truly. Someone make this happen.


- In one run-on sentence spanning 8 seconds, using incredibly long vowel sounds, Roy The Commentator said, and I quote:

"Oh look at that dunk, by Paul Pierce! Excuse me, it's Kevin Garnett inside!!! I'll
say that again, it's Kendrick Perkins!!!!!!"

Sweet God. End it now.


- Half time is upon us, and Channel 5 lays on a whole host of nothingness to celebrate this fact. There is an obligatory Luol Deng montage which always accompanies any NBA footage in this country (and I'm totally fine with that), and some more talking with Jeffy Jazz. All Jeff seems to know about is the Philadelphia 76ers, and all his answers lead back to that subject soon enough. Before long, that's where the questions start off at, too. Additionally, British national basketball team head coach Chris Finch joins the studio crew at the half, improving the white American count by a tune of one, bringing the total up to....um, one.

As if on cue, Ade Adepitan has landed a brief interview with Brian Scalabreeeen on the sidelines. Ade opens the interview by saying "They call him Veal", and you've never seen a man's face turn from happy to livid faster than Scalabrine's did at that moment. He maintained this scowl all the time that Ade was prattling off his questions. But when it was Brian's turn to talk, he resumed his consistently chirpy nature. Scowl, smile, scowl, smile, scowl, smile. What an interview. I reiterate my previous sentiments about Brian Scalabrine. Ledge.


- The second half starts, and Juwan Howard is wearing a protective face mask. I can't remember seeing if he wore this in the first half. That's how inconsequential he was. I don't think he did. Either way, it doesn't suit.


- Not long into the second half, and Kendrick Perkins, starting from outside the three point line from straight away, dribble drives to the rim and makes a no-look hand off pass for a basket. I only have one question - where in the hell did that come from? And will it ever happen again? Oh wait, that's two questions.


- Minnesota's first field goal in the second half involves getting the ball to Ricky Davis 20 feet from the hoop, facing away from the hoop, and with everyone else clearing out. Ricky holds the ball for 5 seconds before taking a contested fallaway. It goes in. The crowd goes "yay!". That's the Ricky Davis Experience, folks, coming to a three point line near you.


- Roy calls Theo Ratliff, "Ratcliffe". I am currently priming a rifle.


- Minnesota is continuing their absolutely terrible run of play, one that began back in the second quarter. Boston seems to get a hand on every one of their passes, the Celtics have numerous breakaways including two-on-none's, and the Timberwolves have no offensive flow whatsoever. That said, they've amazingly looked better today when Sebastian Telfair has run the point. And believe me when I say that is not an endorsement of Sebastian Telfair.


- And just like that, speaking of Telfair, he leaves his feet to pass the ball and throws up a wild shot on a subsequent drive. So he's still Sebastian Telfair after all. It's a shame how little this boy has done so far with all the opportunity in the world.


- After a foul stops play and no continuation is called, Jaric shoots a shot towards the rim anyway. Garnett leaps up and blocks it just before it hits the rim, in that way that so many people like to do when the game has stopped. That seems like an activity fraught with danger to me. Maybe not as much danger as, say, nude luge on a sled made of porcupines, but still pretty dangerous. A goaltend is just around the corner. Has anyone been caught out doing this before? I need feedback on that.


- Sebastian Telfair makes a drive to the rim and hangs in the air, finishing beautifully with the left hand. Did I just do the commentator's curse in reverse? Hey, I rhymed. Cool.


- Ray Allen hits a 20 foot jumpshot, which prompts Roy The Commentator to exclaim, "Ray Allen has answered his critics here tonight". Ray Allen had critics?


- Juwan Howard's mobility, always poor, is even worse tonight. He moves gingerly and slowly, not able to get up and down the court faster than Dick Bavetta on the sidelines. And with that mask on, he also looks really silly doing it. Not a good sign here for Minnesota, as Howard remains a complete non factor in the game. The only thing he's down was give Green that cheeky rub up. Still, even a non-existant Juwan Howard is better to have than the net negative that was Mike James.


- Kendrick Perkins misses the first of two free throws, and I think I know why. He doesn't glance towards the rim until the very split second before he releases the ball. I can't see how you can get a decent scope of the distance when doing that. You might want to try looking for a bit longer, Kenny.


- Perkins makes the second. I'd like to think that I've made a difference here today.


- Kevin Garnett has looked quite bad on offense in this game. He's out of sync, a situation not helped by him not getting any touches. Despite being guarded by Juwan Howard and Ryan Gomes for long periods, the Celtics don't seem to have done much with that advantage, and Garnett has barely seen the ball. The rest of his game is all there tonight, but the team's sharing of the ball on offense isn't down pat yet.


- Right on cue, Roy says after a KG rebound, "Kevin Garnett is having an outstanding game". He has 5 points and 6 rebounds at that moment, midway through the third quarter. But I don't blame Roy for saying that. I think he was contractually mandated to say it, given that the only reason that 12,000 of the 18,000 people that are here for this game are only here because they know about Garnett, and the same is probably true of the majority of the viewers at home. (By the way, the empty seats have slowly filled, which is a relief.)


- More from Roy after a Garnett travel: "They haven't a problem with travelling any more in the NBA". Um, really? I think you'll find it may be the complete opposite there, Royster. The only reason you don't see as many travel calls any more is because they don't call them, not because they don't happen. Yeah, we really need to get a real NBA commentator in here. I'm free and willing.


- After that Garnett travel, he gets the ball on the two possessions immediately afterwards. On the first one he shoots an off-balance airball, and on the second he travels again. Definitely a bit of a mare for him tonight, on a night when an entire nation tuned in to watch him. And by "entire nation", I mean like 400,000 people.


- Roy, please stop pointing out the difference between NBA and FIBA rules. It's not like any of the viewing audience out there now the FIBA rules in the first place. And besides, your own grasp of the NBA rules is not that hot.


- Heh. Another interview. This one with another footballer, Aston Villa midfielder (and scourge of my fantasy league team) Nigel Reo-Coker. This whole "only interview black people" thing stopped being a joke a while ago.

In his interview, Nigel says without prompting, "I'm into basketball, obviously", then follows it up with "this is the first game I've ever been to".

Therefore, explain why it's "obvious"? Is it because you are black? Yes, yes I think it is. That's what Channel 5 wants us to learn from this. You're black! You like basketball! Watch our basketball shows! Genius marketing. Genius.


- Roy starts getting a bit too comfortable, and cites that Ray Allen was called for "illegal use of the feet, in the form of a foul". Not sure that terminology is going to catch on there, Roymond.


- HOLY BALLS! A Mexican wave at an NBA game! This baby has some life left in her yet! Maybe this is the moment that basketball was truly discovered in Britain. I love this country. We'll show those darn Yanks how to spectate at sporting events, by God. Someone get drunk and inflate a crowd sized beach ball, like at the cricket. We run this shit now.


- Another travel called on Garnett. But never mind, he'll be subbed out in a minute. Doc Rivers hasn't gone 17 deep yet.


- Minnesota is down 12 at the end of the third quarter. On their first possession of the fourth quarter, Roy says that they are in a "must score situation". Funny, I thought that they were only down 12 with 12 minutes left. But then, what would I know. I ain't a patch on ol' Roy here. Please don't invent drama. Thanks.


- On Roy's advice, Minnesota begins the fourth with some of the best play that they've put up so far tonight. Once again, they look better when Telfair is running things. Although maybe that's more due to the House/T. Allen/Posey/Scalabreen/Basteeta lineup that Doc Rivers is giving a rare but beautiful airing to. Yeah, actually, it's that.


- Follow up point on Batista - ever since he was signed by the Hawks back in the offseason of 2005, I have tracked his progress intensely, and watched almost every minute he played over the next two seasons. Don't ask me why this was, because I don't really know. In that time, I saw nothing of note, other than a good rebounder without an NBA calibre game. The Hawks seemed to agree, leaving him unrestricted this summer. However, after the FIBA tournament (of which I did not see a single minute), everyone waxed lyrical about his awesomeness and all-around skills. I didn't see any of his play in this tournament, nor did I see much skill in his time at Atlanta. But I shut my mouth and chose a path of skepticism.

Tonight's performance has reaffirmed my stance here. He's not good.


- Sideline interview number 7 is with Ashley Walters, who apparently is a big name in the British music scene (what would I know, I listen to bluegrass). He, too, is black. But Adepitan teases us beforehand saying (I shit you not):

"Just to show that we're not totally biased, we're showing someone that isn't....."


........black? Nope........


"......a footballer."

Way, way, way beyond a joke now. Basically, Ade is just interviewing his friends. No, really, he is. You should see how well they're all getting along. Well, except Drogba. And he's just a miserable bastard anyway.


- To follow up on that, you have to understand that I'm not offended by the stream of black people being interviewed just because they're black. Not at all. It's just that it is just really irresponsible for Channel 5 this to not just allow this blatant niche marketing to happen, but also to actively push for it. I'm well aware of the fact that basketball is a big name sport in black communities, and that the majority of players at the top level are black. But there's a reason black people are considered an ethnic minority in this country - it's because there are fewer of them. So by focusing solely on them (oh you are, don't front like you aren't), you're freezing out the majority. And it's not a good idea for a TV channel to freeze out the majority viewership of something they're trying quite hard to make a success. I'm just saying. Make the show appeal to everybody, and see who sticks around. It's not that hard.


- Corey Brewer finally did something right, getting a steal by trapping on the baseline. Then he ran into Violet Palmer and lost the ball. Yep, I'll definitely just disregard this outing.


- Right on cue, Brewer hits a mid range jumpshot. Yay! Start of big things for the boy.


- Midway through the fourth quarter now, and someone seems to have handed Roy a memo on how to pronounce Scalabrine, for he finally gets it right. He then calls Gabe Pruitt "Gabby", and does so for the rest of the game. Shoot me now. No, wait, shoot Roy now.


- The resident court mopper for this game is a man with a big pile of towels. Oh dear. I guess us plucky Brits haven't quite got this NBA thing down yet. Give us time.


- By the way, throughout all this, Craig Smith is still the don. Minnesota has not put up a good showing, largely due to them airing out a few lineups that we'll never see again. But Smith has shined, despite not being particularly effective on offense. Chris Richard, too, has done OK in his limited minutes, and despite currently being the 16th man on a roster of 15 guaranteed contracts, I think Minnesota knows full well that they have to somehow fit this guy in. If they waive him and keep Mark Madsen, it's not exactly going to be easy for McHale and Taylor to prove that they know what they're doing. That's a battle that they've been losing for a few years already. Now would be a good time to turn it around. Don't make a good pick and then lose him.


- I've said it before, but it bears repeating - this colour commentator Steve Bucknell is absolutely awful. Right now it's even weirder than before. As this game draws to a climax, and the atmosphere really picks up, Bucknell's dulcit tones and slow delivery have gotten even worse,and his volume level has gone down. He's now basically whispering. The only advantage is that he's hardly said a word. Someone please get the Jon Champion/Richard The Director's Assistant pairing from the 2000 Olympics coverage back. They had it going on. Alternatively, borrow some knowledgable Yanks for one night only. I bet Kevin Calabro would have done it, and he's sublime.


- The 8th and penultimate sideline interview is with another black footballer. This one is with Darren Bent, the Tottenham Hotspur (booooo!) and England (yaaaay!) footballer. Things get off to a great start when Ade Adepitan introduces him as Darren Brent, a slip that seems to go unnoticed. Also, Ade brings home what I was saying earlier about both interviewing his friends, and also going for the black appeal thing, as he utters the timeless phrase "that top is blinging, blood".

Again, it doesn't need doing. I appreciate that that's how you talk, Ade, and I'm totally cool with that. I have friends from London too. But it's just another example of the problem here - it's making it harder for white folks to get into the program when it's so constant like this. Let's find a middle ground, eh?

The interview also starts with another teasing line, when Ade opens with, "just to show we aren't biased, here's a non-West Ham player". Ho ho ho, once again I thought he was going to say "a white person"!

And it also features stunning insight such as this:

Adepitan: "Who's your favourite player out there today?"
Brent: "Lebron."

Awesome. Five consistently rolling out a quality product.


- Corey Brewer misses two foul shots and then commits a silly foul to complete his bad day, and Doc Rivers goes for it with the full bench lineup over the final 5 minutes. This bench lineup includes Glen "Big Baby" Davis, who absolutely schools Chris Richard on a baseline spin immediately after entering. Davis then proceeds to shine for the final few minutes, which is great fun for one simple reason.

Normally, whenever an NBA game enters garbage time, at least one player of the ten on the floor at the end is a cut above the rest. He's only in there because the team can only have 12 active players a night, and therefore has no more scrubs to offer up. So this one player gets a chance to shine in the final few moments, and the fact that they are so much better than everybody else becomes quickly apparent. Such a situation has arisen here with Davis, who is by far and away the best player on the court for either side. But Marko Jaric thinks HE is this player, and is playing accordingly, shooting sweeping hook shots and fallaway jumpers. He misses them all in due course. You're not doing yourselves any favours here, Marko.

This also marked the first time I ever caught on to the irony of Glen Davis playing in the McDonalds High School game. Hooray for me!


- We just have time for two more snippets of Roy before the final whistle sounds on a comfortable Boston win.

1) After Glen Davis hits a jumpshot: "if Davis doesnt have a contract, he's trying to get one". Come on now Roy. It's a simple matter of record. Just fucking ask me if you want to know. I'm available to help.

2) Starting his summary, Roy again says "Garnett has had a fabulous game here". He really hasn't. Really! It's easy to follow the commentary textbook, isn't it? Now do some proper work.



- At the end of the game, the 9th and final interview takes places. It is with grime and hip hop artist, Dizzie Rascal.

Kill me now. It's not worth the fight any more.




I think I have more passion for the NBA game than the rest of this country combined. A little passion goes a long way. But when combined with the "ins" that I've cultivated in recent years, plus my talkiness and habit for stupid metaphors, I firmly believe that I could single handedly begin to raise the profile of the sport in this country.

And perhaps I ought.

I just don't know how to go about it.