I'm A Sailor Peg, And I've Lost My Leg

I feel obligated to write something about the Bulls/Celtics series. It has been untold drama, brilliant excitement, and well worth the fortnight of 7am finishes. It's been better than Megan Fox's shadow, worse than De Niro's moustache in Cop Land, and awesome to a fault. And I feel inclined to write something that describes it all.

But the truth is, I don't want to. I don't think I can. The series has been so unilaterally brilliant, so unrivalled in its drama and so and flawlessly flawed in its execution, that I'm not capable of writing the words to accurately describe it. I don't think anyone is. It's as though someone decided the Coach Carter series of films should rival Police Academy, wrote seven of the most implausibly cheesy scripts ever written, and nailed them all on the first take in front of an audience of millions. The drama, for lack of a better word, is perfect.

Disregard game three for a minute. (The Bulls forgot to turn up to that one, so it's best we pretend that it didn't happen.) Over the other 5 games, the other 275 minutes, and the 1000 or so possessions, the difference between the two team's aggregate score is 1 freaking point. There have been 7 overtimes in 4 games, and one game that was decided in the final second of regulation. Never before has there even been more than 2 overtime games in a series. And yet we're at 4 already, with one still to play.

It is almost unfathomable how close these two teams are. It will never happen again. It doesn't matter now about the peculiar series of events that made it this way; what we have now, quite possibly, are the two most evenly matched teams in the sport's history. All the planets have aligned, and this is the basketball equinox.

How many plays have there been that, if only minutely different, would have meant the series was over by now? I mean, seriously, how many things only had to go ever so slightly differently for the result to be different? What if Rajon Rondo was called for the goaltend of Kirk Hinrich's layup? What if Eddie House knew where the three point line was? What if Ray Allen hadn't tiptoed it, twice? What if Ben Gordon didn't kick the cooler and get a technical? What if Joakim Noah didn't gamble for that steal? What if he missed it? Does Brian Scalabrine then get his Horry on? What if they called Paul Pierce dragging his pivot foot 6 yards in the first OT? What if this didn't happen;



What if John Salmons doesn't take that airball three at the end of regulation? What if the moving screen on Glen Davis that set up the House two was properly called? What if Hinrich hadn't MISSED THAT FREAKING LAYUP?!?!?? What if Brad Miller had thrown a shot up at the end of OT? What if Pierce hadn't turned down passing to an open Allen? If Joakim Noah misses that gambled steal, does Scalabrine put the Celtics up 126-123? What if Pierce hadn't fouled him?

And those are just from the last 16 minutes of game 5. What about the other 287 in the series?


Everything that has happened in this series has happened in reverse, too. Brad Miller has choked in the clutch and won a game down the stretch. Ben Gordon has almost won games single handedly, and done his best to lose them too. Derrick Rose shows that he's ready for both the big time and bedtime. Kirk Hinrich, one of the worst clutch performer of the decade (a man who shot 14% in the clutch last season) has turned up for the big stage. Ray Allen has been brilliant or non existent. Paul Pierce can gut out a win, but only sometimes. Everyone has been brilliant for stretches and terrible in others, coming (Tyrus Thomas even went a game without sucking. That's rare.) The only consistencies have been bad officiating, worse coaching, John Salmons's relentlessly gormless "my beard is so heavy it's pulling my bottom jaw to the ground" face, and Kevin Garnett's unabashed twatness. Just those and all the overtimes.

And then on top of that, we've had all the bonus drama. Rajon Rondo's carnal desire to hurt someone. Kirk Hinrich's eternal swag. Ray Allen being really, really, really, really good. Joakim Noah showing the world what Bulls fans knew since January. The long overdue debut of Aaron Gray's playoff beard. Doug Collins's fluctuating opinions on how tall Ben Gordon is. Tony Allen's death threat. Kevin Garnett's injury. Ben Gordon's injury. Leon Powe's terrible luck early in the series. The huge plays down the stretch. The terrific individual execution. The knee bucklingly bad coaching. Brad Miller's permanent "tickle me again and I'll throw a paddy right here and now" scowl when things go badly. Vinny Del Negro's palms being welded into his armpits. Stephon Marbury losing games through being afraid to shoot. Brian Scalabrine getting key minutes while sporting a head like an upside-down carrot cake. Danny Ainge's heart attack.

It's brilliant. I just only wish the stage was bigger.



At the end of game 6, I called my friend, finding myself with a desperate need to explain to someone what I'd been watching. They probably didn't appreciate the call at 7.45am on a weekday, but they got it anyway. I tried to explain what I'd been watching, why I was so excited, where this series placed in the all time history of the sport, how there'd been so many if-onlys and impossible shots that even Matthew McConaughey would have turned down the script. She didn't quite understand, or even really try to. But she meant well when she said;

"Congratulations."

Thanks. Go Bulls.

Insert Intricate Wordplay

In the unlikely event that you hadn't noticed, defense wins championships.

In the 6 games of this NBA Finals series, the Celtics ran about 2 perimeter isolation plays, not including ones at the end of quarters. They didn't need to run any. The offense took care of itself from running only the simplest stuff. All they had to do was push the ball off of Laker misses and turnovers, occasionally post up Kevin Garnett, have the shooters run to the wings on the break, and keep setting screens. As well as let Ray Allen shoot open threes.

The defense is what won it. (By the way, I feel like I'm telling you what you already know with this post, but oh well. I feel obliged to write something amateur. I'd speculate about why Jackson left Lamar Odom in, but I can't be bothered.) L.A.'s offense was contained with relative ease. The only times the Lakers could get the ball in the paint in the last three games were on entry passes to Pau Gasol, and Pau's options from there were limited to the extra-pass, the re-feed, or staggering to the rim like a drunk pre-teen girl looking for some balls to fumble. They became nothing more than a turnover, a shot clock waster, and a back rimmer respectively (giggidy) as Boston routinely denied the Lakers every option possible from their multi option playbook.

Kobe Bryant could not get to the rim. The best player on the planet at contorting his body and knifing his way through holes that the defense did not know they that had left, suddenly found a defense that hadn't left any. All but a handful of Bryant's points came from contested jumpshots, a resource which dries up eventually, no matter how good you are at plundering it. Whenever the Lakers attempted to make the skip, extra or entry passes that Boston made so routinely, a turnover ensued, as a Celtic defender always managed to get a hand in the way. Not a single thing came easy. And that's how it should be. The Lakers defense had no such boast. Instead, they had Vladimir Radmanovic.

Boston wins the NBA title while starting a point guard who passes up layups, a centre whose shooting range is as long as his right forearm, and a primary backup big who can't get his layups above rim height. Three of their top seven players can be doubled off of. And they won anyway.

This is the mock-up with which to style your team, even if Danny Ainge's methodology in doing so was decidedly fucked up. Get yourselves some athletes, who know the meaning of defensive rotation. Then teach them how to make jumpshots like Ray Allen.

Congratulations to the Celtics on the most bipolar 24 months in NBA history. It's nice to see you finally get rewarded after being such a historically barren franchise. I will now ooze maximum resentment towards a team that I don't especially like, but one that I respect highly, and whom thoroughly deserve the crown of the best team in the NBA. Contrived celebrations all around.



Alternative post: 39 POINTS??? 39 POINTS?????

39 POINTS?????

You shitting me?

Now someone quickly Youtube Garnett's "interview" with Michelle Tafoya. God invented the internet for this reason.

NBA Finals Anal

By unpopular demand, I won't talk about baseball. Instead, I'll talk about basketball. I shall retread the observations of the hundreds of other writers who are covering the subject, while adding no unique spin. It's how we roll around here.

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1) There's no reason why Lamar Odom shouldn't be able to defend Kevin Garnett better than he does. None whatsoever. He has the length to bother his jumpshots as well as anyone can bother them, the athleticism to prevent any easy drives to the basket, and the reasonable man to man post defense to cope with the rare times that Garnett plays back to the basket. But he doesn't do it that well. And not only does he struggle at it, but he doesn't do it much at all, as Pau Gasol seems to end up with the assignment a lot of the time. This doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Also, this is somewhere where Andrew Bynum would come in handy.

2) Something that also doesn't make a lot of sense is Vlad Rad starting and playing as much as he is. I understand the Lakers need for shooting and spacing. I do. But Radmanovic is spectacularly bad in all other aspects of the game. (His rebounding numbers in this series have been quite good, but try and think of a single Radmanovic rebound. You can't - they were all gimmies that his replacement could have gotten, too.) And when you're matched up agaisnt a team that starts Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett at the 2-3-4 spots, you're left with the unattractive prospect of having Radmanovic guarding one of those three, particularly when Kobe Bryant spends so much time on Rajon Rondo. And Radmanovic just can't bloody do that. Leave him in as a token starter if you must, but don't actually PLAY him. Trevor Ariza can't shoot, but he still needs these minutes. Note - this is also a situation where Andrew Bynum would come in handy, as Radmanovic wouldn't be a starter.

3) This is more of a general point than a Finals specific point, given his performance thus far, but people should probably stop calling the "Celtics Big Three" by that name. Ray Allen never was as good as his two peers, and unlike those two, Ray Allen has also lost something. He's a fine third option to have, but the label "Big Three" implies some kind of parallel between all parties, that everything isequal, and that each is as important as the others. And that's wrong. Maybe they should switch it to Rondo instead.

4) In the fourth quarter of game three, Kevin Garnett hit a long jumpshot, one that boosted his shooting percentage to about 84%. The camera cut to Garnett running back on defense, and showed him puffing his cheeks with gusto, like a man who had just narrowly avoided driving into his own mother. Perhaps there's something in this "Garnett not clutch" thing. (Still, at least it wasn't a fallaway.)

5) Kobe picked up a technical in the first half of game three. At some point in the fourth quarter, when Kobe protested a rather obvious foul call made against him, he complained for a minute, and then walked away. Mark Wunderlich (great name by the way) walked after Kobe, yelling aggressively, almost as if he was goading Kobe into his secodn technical. Am I the only one who saw this? Is this really kosher? It seems unlikely that Wunderlich wanted to T him up given the Donaghy accusations out this week, but still.

6) Last year, Sasha Vujacic couldn't dribble and run at the same time. He couldn't shoot, pass, play defense, or generally avoid fucking up. Now he's the second best player in the NBA Finals. How the hell did that happen? I will now go grow my hair out long, hone my jumpshot, and give myself an Eastern European girls name. Hi, I'm Martha.

7) Sam Cassell's play in this series is startling, weird, and amusing if you don't like the Celtics. Every time he touches the ball, he winds up shooting it, and whether he hits the shot or not, it wasn't a good one to take. Essentially, Sam Cassell is out there playing like Eddie House.....on a team that also has Eddie House. Strange times. (Insert Anchorman quote beginning "Take it easy, Champ".) Doc Rivers finally figured this out in game three, gave Cassell the quick hook, and let Eddie House himself play the Eddie House role, but not before Cassell had managed to get up 4 shots in 7 minutes. Hooray for heady veteran play!

8) Speaking of heady veteran play, congratulations to P.J. Brown for needlessly starting on Jordan Farmar, travelling, setting moving screens, being unable to get his layups above rim height (that old quandry!) and geenrally doing absolutely nothing worthwhile apart from one frozen rope jumpshot. It was certainly the signing that put the Celtics over the top. And I heartily endorse having P.J. stay out there for 18 minutes in game three doing absolutely nothing worthwhile as Leon Powe watches on the sidelines, wondering quite what the hell he did wrong in game two where he had more points scored than minutes played. I heartily endorse this because I want the Celtics to lose.

9) If James Posey wasn't a malicous dirty drink driving prick, I could totally respect his game. But, as it is, fuck him.

10) At some point in this series, there's going to be a game where the Celtics score 21 in the fourth quarter, and Kobe scores 23 by himself. It may be tomorrow. You need to remember this.

11) You know that thing where a player runs into a cameraman while chasing a loose ball, there's a few seconds of silence as the director whispers into the announcer's ear, and then the announcer (now aware of the man's name) goes on to congratulate the cameraman's professionalism while generally acting all buddy buddy towards a man whose name he didn't know until ten seconds previously? Yeah. We could probably do without this.

12) The announcing crew for these games has been awesome. Mike Breen is the new industry standard, Jeff Van Gundy is FAR better than I ever would have thought possible, and Mark Jackson is a lot more comfortable and less painful when you give him a third guy to work alongside. They have been intelligent, humorous, and fair. The presentation has been good in general, although bear in mind that I don't get to see the ESPN studio lineup with Jon Barry and friends. (Readers note: I'm not unhappy with this, per se, but our replacement English equivalent over here is absolutely God awful. Just trust me on that.) We even managed to get through game three without a single unnecessary Michael Jordan comparison. Good times.

If they could stop the courtside celebrity shots, particularly those of Jack Nicholson, then we're onto a winner.

That is all. Go Lakers.

30 teams in 36 or so days: Atlanta

Atlanta Hawks

Players acquired via free agency or trade:

None



Players acquired via draft:

First round: Al Horford (3rd overall), Acie Law IV (11th overall)



Players retained:

None



Players departed:

Royal Ivey (unsigned, crap), Slava Medvedenko (unsigned, crap), Esteban Batista (unsigned, crap)



Bobbins:

The Hawks got lucky, I think they would admit that. The Joe Johnson trade of 2005 left the Hawks owing two first round picks to Phoenix. One of these had already been conveyed, and was used to select Rajon Rondo last year, whom Phoenix then stupidly sold to Boston. The other pick was still outstanding headed into this summer, and was only top 3 protected, meaning that Atlanta had to win a top three spot in the lottery.

They did this, despite only having the fourth worst record and thus only the fourth most chances of moving up (I say "only", but that's enough to make it a statistical improbability). For that, they should be bloody thankful - had they not done so, they would have had a mediocre roster, with only an MLE and the number 11 pick to work with to improve it. And that would not have been fun. Ironically, the three teams with worse records than Atlanta (Milwaukee, Boston, Memphis) all failed to move up, thus proving the worthlessness of statistical probability.

(Incidentally, the number 11 pick itself was also subject to changes in the lottery - the pick was Indiana's as a part of the Al Harrington last summer, and had top 10 protection on it. Had Indiana moved up in the lottery, Atlanta would not have gotten it, and had Indiana moved up into Atlanta's place moving Atlanta out of the top three, Atlanta would have had no first rounder at all this year. Which would have been bad.)

Despite that little but of sorely needed good fortune, things could have been so much more profitable for Atlanta this offseason, were it not for a few things not quite falling their way. As welcome as it was to move up to the number 3 spot, the position is something of an anti-climax in this 'two superstars' draft: it only needed one more spot, and Atlanta had either Greg Oden or Kevin Durant to call their own. And if Billy Knight hadn't decided that the holy trinity of Speedy Claxton, Lorenzen Wright and Anthony Johnson was so valuable that it was worth spending nearly $12.5 million for next year (and, in the case of Johnson, also costing the Hawks their 2007 second round pick), Atlanta would also have had maximum cap room this offseason.

So that's a bugger.

(That trio, by the way, combined to score 597 points on 658 shots for Atlanta last year, at a scintillating 39% shooting, 54% from the free throw line. And they aren't there for their defense. Wright is now a third string center, and Claxton and Johnson are fighting it out for the 3rd and 4th string point guard spots. Feisty!)

Still, regardless of what mistakes had been made prior, General Manager Billy Knight made the correct picks with his two first rounders. Needing a young power forward/center with an inside scoring game, and a point guard who could distribute the ball, play some defense and not suck too much, Knight chose Horford and Law. The two not only figure to be a good young tandem to add to an already highly talented young core of players, but who also sound like a very believable name for an accounting company. And that's what matters, really.

Seemingly working to a budget, with both Josh Smith and Josh Childress to have their extensions (if signed) kick in next season, the Hawks haven't made any roster moves outside of these draft picks. With 14 roster spots filled with guaranteed contracts, the Hawks didn't have a lot of room to play around anyway. The only sub plot to develop from the Hawks offseason has been surrounding the man himself, Esteban Batista.

Left unrestricted by the Hawks, Batista has attracted a modicum of interest around the league, largely based off of his performances in the FIBA tournament this summer. It sure wasn't for his performances in his first two seasons in the NBA - Batista played 576 minutes in his two seasons and 70 games with the Hawks, the majority of which came in garbage time. Given my undue and inexplicable love for terrible basketball players and the garbage time in which they shine, I endeavoured to try and watch every single minute in which he played, and came fairly close to doing so. All Batista managed to demonstrate to NBA standard was his rebounding psoitional sense, and good strength. Everything else was lacking. In layman's terms, he did sod all.

And yet now, he's strangely hot property, due to his fine performances on the big stage as Uruguay's personal one man show. Hmmm. Maybe he got better or something. Or maybe I'm just wrong about stuff. That would be bad, but a fair comment.



Next season:

Last season, I pencilled the Hawks in for roughly 38-40 wins. I did not document this anywhere, which was probably best, given that they missed this mark by the worryingly large margin of 10 games.

With the benefit of hindsight, it's easy to see why they did so. Never a particularly deep roster to begin with, only one Hawks player managed to play over 72 games (Shelden Williams with 81), and even All Star Joe Johnson's consecutive games streak ending at 376, playing in only 57 contests for the year. Additionally, the unmitigated disaster that was the signings of Speedy Claxton and Lorenzen Wright did not help anyone, nor did the deadline trade for Anthony Johnson. Point guard play all season long was a massive weakness, as you would expect from any team which featured Tyronn Lue as its best, most consistent option at the position. And the backup center soap opera continued to disappoint with no real resolution to be found.

Despite all of what went wrong, though, I don't believe that a similar prediction for next year would be too out of the question. Point guard remains a concern - Claxton's knees may never be good again, and who knows how well or how quicly Law adjusts - but the Hawks should have more luck with injuries this year, and they also have an extremely talented roster, something often overlooked. With a lineup scheduled to feature Josh Smith, Joe Johnson, Shelden Williams, Horford + Law Ltd, Josh Childress, Zaza Pachulia and Marvin Williams, Atlanta boasts a young rotation full of talented players who continue to improve, and who have mostly been together for quite a while now. While as a team they continue to struggle for consistency, their talent level counts for quite a lot, and having young role players like Salim Stoudamire and Solomon Jones on hand too is a further bonus.

Although they've had to trawl through some hard times, some bad luck and some mismanagement to get there, the Hawks have wound up with a core of players that almost every team in the NBA, bar about 6, would dearly swap with. And that counts for a lot.

It just should have been better.

Still, their expendable players can rustle up about $10 million in expiring contracts, should they choose to go that route. Let's see what becomes of that.

Probably nothing.