Rafer Alston's DWI arrest caught on camera

He was found not guilty, by the way.

God Bless America

All those who read my diary type thingy from last year's preseason game in London will notice how I have a little bit of problem with Five's marketing policy of the sport, which seems to want to solely appeal to the "hip hop" (which you can probably go ahead and change to "young black") market. Of the ten courtside interviews conducted that day (Brian Scalabrine excluded), all ten were of black celebrities, this coming immediately after an advertising campaign exclusively focused on the street demographic. (If that last sentence wasn't enough of a clue, I'm white. Bravo, top hole, jolly good chap, rather bracing, tea and scones, "I say Biggles, how awfully uncouth", et cetera. Basically I'm from a Battle Of Britain war film.)

Apparently my opinion fell on deaf ears, though. This may have been my fault for never actually voicing it to anyone other than your powerless selves, but still. I was right, and changes needed to be made.

They weren't.



Right now, our national team is making the headlines, and actually becoming significant on the world stage. With Luol Deng, Pops Mensah-Bonsu, Joel Freeland, Dan Clark, Nate Reinking and (hopefully) Ben Gordon in our team now, amongst others, we finally have a side worth knowing about in Europe, and we've recently qualified for the European Championships, after only recently being so bad of a basketball nation that we were ranked behind Chinese Taipei in the world rankings. In addition to this, the NBA apparently loves us and our swanky new arena, resulting in the rare but special sight of an annual proper NBA game played in this country. (Note to other countries out there: if you build a spectacularly pointless dome shaped building to "celebrate" the new Millennium, then after you flush millions of pounds down the shitter as it struggles to be financially viable for the one year of its existence, it eventually becomes worthwhile when you completely rebuild and re-design it into something entirely different to what it was before! FISCAL FINANCIAL PLANNING FTW!). For the first time since I've been alive, and for the first time perhaps ever, basketball has a modiocum of significance in this country.

And who do we get to bring the sport to the general public? Why, it's only the blackest fifty one year old white man in rural Lowestoft, Tim bloody Westwood.

Just not good enough, is it?.

Try a bit harder next time. Find someone who knows something about the game, rather than vapid "celebrity" interviews of people who pretend to love the game but only when doing so gets them free airtime. Try and blag some interviews with the NBA people on show, or even with some of the American press sent to cover the game. Fuck it, interview me. I scrub up all right in a tie, and I actually know proper English words and stuff about basketball and stuff. I also don't gesticulate with my hands like a crack addled twat, and pensioners love me. I look perhaps a bit too much like Andrew Bogut to be good TV material, but......Tim Westwood? Are you kidding me?

Can you see why we might not have the biggest fan base for the sport in this country?

I don't care what colour they are, but let's try and get some people who know of the sport that they supposedly "love". Maybe the broadcast could then be used to relay some interesting facts, snippets or insights into the game. And then maybe it could be used to inform and entertain the public. You know, like they did back in the olden days.

It's just a theory. Feel free to ignore it again.

Dusty Baker Denies Misspelling His Daughter's Name, Or Something

Cincinnati.com

Reds manager Dusty Baker took the unusual step of bringing up a rumor Wednesday to deny it.

There's been a persistent rumor floating around the Reds that Baker's 28-year-old daughter, Natosha, is dating and/or engaged to outfielder Corey Patterson.

Baker finally had enough when players on the Astros asked him about it.

There's no truth to it, Baker said. Natosha is not dating Patterson.

"She hasn't even been to Cincinnati," Baker said. "This is so far out of line. It's hurtful to my wife and daughter. How can people stoop that low? I don't know who started it. But I've been hearing from fans, players, announcers."

Heh. Awesome.

No offense to Dusty Baker, Corey Patterson or Natosha. But that's fantastic.

I want to somehow make it funnier, but I'm not sure that's possible.

Josh, you rapscallious bugger!

Josh Howard! You wild thing!

You smoke weed! You drive too fast! You claim not to respect the national anthem when the viewing audience of millions aren't around to see your protest!

What kind of a crazy bastard are you?!?!?!? Is there no end to your rebellious ways? Will you shave a word into your head? Will you wear a hat at a provocative angle? Will you wear your shorts below your knee line? Will you flip off David Stern next time he turns his back to you? (Something which he may well do.) Will you go around calling Donyell Marshall, Donyell Darshall? Will you have sex with a woman of loose morals and labia and then never speak to her again? Will you? I bet you will. You're such a maverick. You don't play by the rules!!

Phewph! Where will it end??? You're just so, out there!!!

(Ha! Maverick! Get it?)



NB: The preceding message was liberally daubed in sarcasm.

Ron Artest Gets A New Haircut

This time, he shaved in the Rockets logo.



As always, there's no reason for any of this post. I just wanted to give this picture another airing.



Speaking of Ron Artest looking a bit daft, did you ever see his music videos? Here's three of them.

Get Lo



Fever



Whatever the hell this is. (Do yourself a favour and skip the first two minutes.)





Dare I say that they're not bad, considering? It's all relative, obviously. But as second careers go, he's not done too badly. It's a bit amateurish and non-descript, but it's better than anything DerMarr Johnson has ever done. Perhaps Ron needs to work on his approach to the publicity, though.



(Oh sod it, let's post it again.)



(Why not, I say.)

Josh Howard Is Yesterday's News

Mario Chalmers and Darrell Arthur kicked out of rookie initiation thing for having naughty things about their person.

March Madness heroes Mario Chalmers and Darrell Arthur were thrown out of the NBA's rookie transition program on Wednesday morning after being caught in their hotel room with marijuana, according to several sources.

"They were sent home for violating program rules," NBA spokesman Brian McIntyre said.

Sources said Chalmers and Arthur, who starred on the Kansas Jayhawks' 2008 NCAA championship team, were also fined $20,000 apiece and will start the regular season on the suspended list.

You couldn't hold off for a few days? Really? How the hell do you get caught at the rookie initiation program, a program in which one of the issues tackled is recreational drugs and their presence in the NBA environment?

Nice.

ShamSports.com - where snap judgements on the morality of people with lives far greater than mine are commonplace.

Guess what Josh Howard got arrested for?

Go on, guess. You'll never guess.

Seriously, guess.

...Actually, no, it wasn't misdemeanour drug possession. It was street racing.

How unexpected!

Mavericks guard Josh Howard was arrested in Winston-Salem, N.C. Thursday night for street racing, according to police.

Howard is facing charges of speeding, reckless driving, and speed competition, according to myFOXdfw's sister station myFOXwghp.com.

The website says an officer spotted Howard driving a black Lexus with a passenger on the city's west side.

Howard was taken to the Forsyth County magistrate's office and released on a written promise to appear in court on Sept. 23.

Howard graduated from Wake Forest and has been pro for five years.

Didn't expect that.

Isn't 28 a bit old to be street racing, anyway?

Ron Artest Represents Black Culture Better Than Basically Everyone Else

Says Ron Artest.

"Hopefully, he's not fighting anymore and going after a guy in the stands," Yao said, according to the Chronicle.

When asked about those comments, Artest said Yao had bought into "all the propaganda" about him, according to The Sacramento Bee.

"I understand what Yao said, but I'm still ghetto," Artest said, according to the report. "That's not going to change. I'm never going to change my culture. Yao has played with a lot of black players, but I don't think he's ever played with a black player that really represents his culture as much as I represent my culture. Once Yao Ming gets to know me, he'll understand what I'm about."

There's no reason for any of this post. I just wanted to give that picture an airing.

Charles Barkley's Golf Swing

..via Scott May. (Not Sean May.)

---

In the unlikely event that you haven't seen Charles Barkley's golf swing before, here it is. (Warning: if you like golf, don't even bother getting yourself worked up about this. We know. He knows.)



That wasn't just a one off, either. He's going to do it again here too.



And this time he's going to do it really slowly.



And now Tiger Woods, who's pretty decent, is going to have a go.



Fuck it, let's all have a go. In our kitchens. With a bowling pin. And our socks pulled up. And our very giggly English girlfriends who think we're great. And who can't hold a camera straight.




I can sympathise. It's weird how the mind games get in the way of a relatively simple action. Ask one of the many suffers of dartitis: sometimes, you just can't complete your action. (Kind of like me with my amateurish tenpin bowling abilities. Nowhere in the Book Of Bowling Technique does it advocate falling over to the right after letting go of the ball, or the slightly autistic arm lock that I do before each bowl. And in no way do I try to work those things into my game. But by God, they're there. It's a stupid bloody game anyway.)

Still, it's weird that a man willing to gamble so much money on his golfing ability doesn't get this slightly detrimental hitch in his swing looked at professionally. It seems worth the expense to avoid otherwise heavy losses.

(Well, that's one conclusion at least. Another more cynical theory would be to say that Barkley, a showman, has somehow honed that sack of shite over the years, purely to entertain the masses. Doubtful, but possible.)

Here's someone who DOESN'T do it for show, though - Chuck Hayes. You'll all seen the clips of his free throw shooting struggles, and by God, you're going to see them again.




Just because we can.

I wanted to follow that up with a montage of weird, awkward, incorrect and mental-block free throw techniques from players around the globe. (And by "around the globe", I mean "in the NBA".) I want to show a clip of Desmond Mason's "Shitting Dog", a montage of Tyson Chandler's various attempts over the years to overcome his own personal battle again free throw autism, the vast gaping chasm of difference between Tim Duncan's current technique and what he used to do back when he didn't suck at it, the Olden Polynice Experience (where every free throw is shot in a different style to the one before it. At least, that's what he used to do as his career ground to a halt in the ABA), and Bo Outlaw's persistently perfect attempts to draw a lane violation on at least two members of each team.

But, sadly, the NBA is really anal about things like that being on Youtube. There are no such videos out there. And it's a damn shame. Since there's no "Amusing Free Throw Technique Channel" on NBA.com, why can't we be allowed to improvise? Why be so miserable about this? Moanarses.


In place of this, here's a video of Bo Outlaw having his photo taken with some girl during warm-ups. It's not what I wanted to bring you when I set about this post with such gusto, but it's better than nothing. Maybe. She enjoyed it, at least.

Joey Dorsey loses a game that he wasn't in

Down one in the closing stages of a summer league game, new Wizards guard Dee Brown fouls Uruguay's finest, the insatiable Gustavo Barrera, sending him to the line. Barrera hits both foul shots, putting Houston up by 3.

Rockets forward Joey Dorsey - watching the game from the sidelines due to an ankle injury - briefly breaks away from his spontaneous "Who Can Wear The Worst Stripey Polo Shirt" competition with Rafer Alston, and decides to say something. The ref decides to T him up, demonstrating the elaborate technical foul calling technique that NBA scouts want to see from potenital refs. Dorsey sulks. Nick Young hits the technical free throw, and the Wizards have the ball, down two.

Andray Blatche, who has battled bravely against the desire to pass for a number of years now, throws up a tub of wank three pointer. It misses, but Brown tips it back in, and the game goes to overtime. The Wizards go on to win, and the Rockets don't. Joey Dorsey loses not only a game he wasn't in, but also the polo shirt competition, as he has no answer for Rafer's daring usage of deep red and sky blue on an otherwise predominantly white top.

(Also notice - Vladimir Veremeenko. Hooray! If these games are downloadable anywhere, then I need to know. Can't do streams, though.)


Here's what I know about Joey Dorsey - he's an idiot. Someone once told me that he's the next Ben Wallace, which re-affirms my belief on this. (And no, I'm not at all bitter about the spectacularly unsuccessful Ben Wallace signing and the collateral damage that it caused. Nope. Not at all. Totally over it.) Admittedly I don't know much about Joey Dorsey - when he made headlines for "announcing" that his college team mate Derrick Rose was not going to be drafted number 1 by Chicago in a hilarious wind-up that everyone found hilarious, it took me two weeks to find out that Joey Dorsey was a player, and not an opportunist reporter. But still. I know he's a bit of an idiot. Wikipedia agrees.

During the 2007 NCAA Men's Division I Basketball Tournament, Dorsey famously called Ohio State center Greg Oden "overrated as a big man," said that Oden "might be as good as Joey Dorsey," and called himself Goliath and Oden the "the little man." Dorsey also predicted a 20 rebound game for himself. The Buckeyes defeated the Tigers by a score of 92-76 and Dorsey finished with zero points and just four rebounds. In fact, Dorsey was so overmatched during the game that he was not able to even attempt a field goal in the 19 minutes he was on the court. As terrible as he was on the offensive end, he was as bad or worse on the defensive end. Dorsey's defensive duty was to guard Oden. Oden shot 7 for 8 from the field for 17 points and also grabbed 9 rebounds.

And now this.

The evidenced is really piling up. Joey Dorsey = a mouthy git. A bit like Stephen Jackson.

The (Supposed) First Ever WNBA Brawl

Look at them, all trying to be like men and shit! Bless!



Giggidy.

Also, because it's not worthy of its own blog post, here is a picture, via whomever, of Baron Davis and Steve Nash on a tandem bicycle, wearing clothing best described as "totally gay".



No, I don't know why either.

ICouldTakeStephenJacksonInAFight.com: just one of many NBA blogs to pad out its content with links to videos and pictures because it saves my spindly old woman's fingers from having to do any actual creative work.

Summer League Time, When The Weather Is Fine.

Yeehaw!



I looooove summer league. Looooooooove it. (Note: the extra O's mean that I really looooooooooove it.) It's great. It's like training camp, only better. There's more players that you've never heard of, and more players that yu have heard of but had completely forgotten about. The best type of player, that one. Good times.

This year's summer league roster are lovingly listed on this website, and, if you're anything like me (and hopefully you aren't), you'll read them every morning. Some rosters are yet to be announced, which means there's even more hardcore excitement to come. Hooray!


Highlights this year include:

- Romeo Travis playing on Cleveland's summer league team for the second straight year, still longing to hook up with former Akron high school teammate LeBron James, but this year joined by another Akron starlet, their mutual friend Dru Joyce, as Cleveland continues to surround LeBron with the talent needed to get them over the top.

- Josh Davis adding two new teams to the ever-glorious "NBA Teams That Josh Davis Has Spent Time With In A Non Sexual Way" list, by playing for both Portland and Indiana's summer league teams.

- The surprise return of the utterly skint Robert Traylor, and the slightly less auspicious but far more welcome return of journeyman centre John Thomas, whose name still gets to me.

- The discovery that there's a player called Longar Longar.

- ShamSports.com favourite Olumide Oyedeji playing on the Milwaukee Bucks team, alongside Roderick Riley, an awesome blast from the past who is also the heaviest player in any summer league by about 45 pounds, and who also is playing alongside someone else called Roderick for probably the first time in his life.

- Yuta Tabuse's comeback trail beginning anew.

- Koko Archibong. Koko Archibong!

- Knicks guard Antione Johnson single handedly raising the bar in the Antawn Jamison/Antywane Robinson "Who Can Spell Antoine In The Most Fucked-Up Way Possible" tribute game, and

- Indiana signing MC Hammer.


Good times. These are the things that I care about. Here's to training camp.

Spectacularly Bad Heckling

From Deadspin:



I don't really like heckling. I'm English, and we play sports the same way that we used to fight wars - like gentleman. And it's not very gentlemanly to shout at people at work under the misguided idea that it's totally fine because you paid to be there. Regardless of what level of entitlement you feel that you have from handing over your entrance fee, you're still being a twat if you heckle. And we should all strive at all times to not be a twat. So this is why I'm against the practice.

("Sledgling", though, is another matter. Player on player heckles are fantastic. But the fans should probably just shut up.)

If you're going to heckle, though, at least be good at it. If you're going to heckle, plan it in advance. Think about your statements, and compile a rotation of barbs, a menu, a plan of attack, a pincer movement. Research your facts, from such basic ones as learning the names of the people and teams you are heckling, to somethiung more obscure that might actually get a player's attention, and make your endeavour worthwhile. It's absolutely imperative that you are better at the art of verbal warfare than the player you are yelling at. If you're not, you're going to look like a shitarse. Particularly if your girlfriend films it and puts it on the internet.



The Toronto Blue Jays fan in this video demonstrates exactly how not to do it. Seemingly acting on a whim, the fan goes at Tampa Bay Rays reliever Troy Percival with the only Percival-related facts that he has:

a) Percival is old.
b) Percival has only won one World Series.

That's not a lot, really. Indeed, so short of ammo is this fan, that he tries to somehow fashion that second factoid into a negative. (Since whenw as winning a World Series a reason to heckle a baseball player? Strange times.)

Worse than his firepower is his delivery. Awkward, incomplete, and suffering from a distinct lack of knowledge towards the names of the guys in the bullpen (readers note: like I said, research is fundamental), the fan compounds his problems by leaving long pauses, getting the team name wrong, letting his girlfriend join in (always a mistake) using the shittest jokes you've ever heard, and filming himself dying this painful death. He sets himself up for an easy downfall.

Percival puts him away comfortably.

Annoying Fan To A Warming Up Troy Percival: "That pitch was high and outside!"
A Warming Up Troy Percival To Annoying Fan: "Your mum is high and outside."

A textbook dispatch.


That is how to kick your own ass. If you're going to heckle, you need to win. The people you're shouting at, as the invisble female voice helpfully points out, are professional athletes. You aren't the first people ever to heckle them, and you're probably not even the first ones to do so on that particualr night. So they've had plenty of time to think up their retorts, particularly the old farts like Percival. If you don't have any good weapons in your arsenal, rest assured that they will.

And it's at that point that you'll wish that you hadn't filmed the debacle, because now immature British juveniles like me are laughing at you too.

The Mike D'Antoni Face

Oh God that's good.

Assorted Terrible Plays For No Real Reason

This play is currently doing the rounds:



It provides a somewhat fitting conclusion to the Timberwolves dire season, and particularly that of Corey Brewer, who fouled and clanked his way to a 5.8 PPG, 3.7 RPG and 2.4 FPG rookie season, on 38% shooting. All a bit shite, really.

Still, for the hell of it, here are 5 other "Really Stupid Plays", in no particular order.


1: J.J. Redick in garbage time




2: David Wesley is garbage all the time




3: Derek Fisher to Yao Ming




4: Channing Frye does something reasonably manly for a change




5: Zach Randolph is a flat-out disgrace





Not pictured: One of any number of plays in which Drew Gooden rotates completely the wrong way on defense. People don't make highlights of those things, y'know? They should.

Hy-pathetical Situation

You're 49-32, fighting for the 8th seed in the playoffs. The team you're battling is 48-32. Even though you have the tiebreaker, you really need to win your last game to ensure the final spot. And it's not going to be easy. It's All Hands On Dick time, with the playoff intensity needing to be in full swing.

What's the first thing that you need?

A drink, obviously.

What a really stupid time for that. A really, really stupid time. There's never a good time, but this is a particularly stupid one.

If I was earning $13 million this year, I'd get some hired help on the driving. I really would. At the very least, you'd get one of your millions of hangers-on to help you out. That's what they're there for, isn't it? Make them earn their free tickets.

It really is amazingly stupid that DUI's (or DWI's, depending on what state you're in. So to speak.) continue to be so rife in the world of professional sports. And I have no idea why it continues. At least no one died, or crashed while watching porn. So that's something.



In other NBA news, I don't know why this is funny, but it is, and it needs posting, but doesn't merit its own post. So we'll make it an addendum to this one.



I don't do captions. Apply within.