Pau Gasol Playing Singstar And Hugging Some Man Quite A Bit

The music in Spain is amongst the worst I've ever heard in my life. That's all I have to say about that.

Come Back, Baby Come Back

As you might presently yourself fully be aware of, my grammar sucks. Also, you might have noticed that nothing has happened around here lately. Well, it's OK, I'm here.

Thanks to those of you who showed genuine concern as to whether I was maimed, imprisoned, dead, or worse. You're very compassionate, kind-hearted and sincere, traits that will inevitably lead to a joyful existence on the heavenly half of the afterlife. Conversely, fuck off to those of you who showed anger and resentment at my lack of posting and/or site updates, as if I was in some way contractually obliged to do what you want, when you wanted it. May I remind you that this is a free website, with no adverts, greatly superior to every comparable website on the internet (particularly with regards to the colour scheme) run by a man who frankly you should spend a good 90 minutes of every day praising, rejoicing, and fellating. You'll get what you're given, as and when I choose to give it. You hell-destined bar stewards.

The actual answer to the age-old question of "where the hell were you?" is that I was on holiday. I went to the Costa Del Sol, in November, escaping the classic British grey of November time. So you can see why that was more fun than calculating Rob Kurz's salary for the remainder of the season.

Do you want to see my holiday photos? Ch'yeah you do! Here are some of my holiday photos!

The Sun. It was hot. I burnt.

My burn.

A fat woman whose arse seemed to have no seam. (Identity concealed, expertly.)

The mighty Grunkel television that kept us entertained with German versions of Remington Steele and soft core pornography all week long. No, I don't know why all Spanish television is German either.

A dog curling one out.

A dead fish.

Now that I've been sufficiently self-effacing and boring in equal measure, here are my thoughts on stuff, for all those who struggled to go a full week without my aggressive and misguided thoughts on stuff.

1: I didn't initially know who I liked the Denver/Detroit deal for most when it happened, if either. But in the week or so that I've spent lying on beaches not thinking about it, I've decided I like it for both teams. Detroit gets the better player and the best salary in Allen Iverson, which can never be a bad combination, while Denver switches up a core that was never going to work anyway, almost getting under the luxury tax in the process. (After Antonio McDyess's buyout, Denver is now no more than a small dollop over their eternal enemy, the luxury tax threshold. If they waft a pick Memphis's way, they should be able to dump Chucky Atkins, whose salary for next year is only $760,000 guaranteed, thus not affecting Memphis's 2009 cap space plan much. This move gets Denver under the tax, finally, and it need only cost them the pick that they got from Charlotte for Alexis Ajinca to do it. Also note that I'm just an ideas man, not a soothsayer. Houston would be sensible to do much the same with Steve Francis, who is entirely surplus to requirements in both Memphis and Houston, and whose salary is keeping the Rockets in the tax territory. But his expiring is tolerable for the Grizzlies with apt sweeteners. With those two deals, Memphis could gain two picks without changing their long or short term plans, while Houston and Denver save lots of money on players and picks that they don't need. To me, this makes sense. Does that mean it will happen? No. But, between now and February, I'd place a call. Boy, this bracket got a bit long.)

(Oh, by the way - the combined $34 million in expirings that Detroit can now offer up with Iverson and Rasheed Wallace makes that Kwame Brown deal look even worse. Whoops.)

2: I forgot to post my Houston and Phoenix previews before going away. If you want them, send an email. Enclose money.

3: I really can't stand Bob Ortegal. In the years that I've listened to him, I can't remember one single insightful or interesting comment. Now, history tells me that when you question a team's announcing duo, fans of that team will then try to kill you with words and insults, so I expect Dallas fans to now do much the same. But, seriously. Take a step back and reanalyse. He's awful. There's no chemistry, no humour, no insight and you know for a bloody fact that he's never watched a game that he hasn't commentated on. (For example, take Dallas's preseason game versus Chicago. Ortegal admits he's never seen Derrick Rose play before, concludes after two drives that Rose only goes to his left, and then spends the rest of the night finding excuses for every time Rose went right. That's so dumb, I should have said it.) There exists only a dull, repetitive retelling of what the replay he's "analysing" depicts. And any old bastard can do that. I just wanted to vent this.

4: The Bulls suck in a variety of ways, which is a shame. Good luck John. (By the way, last night I dreamt that Paxson unretired and filled the Bulls current backup point guard void, proof if it were needed that I didn't have any fleeting holiday romances. After having seen they signed Lindsey Hunter, I kind of wish it had come true.)

5: In keeping with this website's continued attempts to be better than everybody else, here's next year's free agents.

6: When it happened, I nearly wrote something in this blog about the Pau Gasol trade. In contrast to the opinions of everyone else in the world, I was keeping to leap in and defend the Grizzlies' end of the trade. But I didn't, because I couldn't be bothered. I've rued that laziness for a while, so let me go on the record now, despite it being a bit late since the secret of the awesomeness of Marc Gasol got out: Memphis did all right. When your mandate is to make a salary dump, and you wind up getting the second biggest expiring contract in the league, you're off to a good start. But in addition to that, the Grizzlies got good young talent that people don't acknowledge. As well as Kwame Brown's salary, the Grizzlies got back Javaris Crittenton (good young guard, with emphasis on the "young" - he's still only 20), and the rights to Marc Gasol (a starting calibre NBA centre, whether you knew of this in advance or not). The Grizzlies also two first round picks from the Lakers, one of which has become Darrell Arthur, their 20 year old starting power forward formerly thought to be a high lottery pick. They still have their other pick to come, along with almost double maximum cap room, while taking back not one bad contract or inconsequential player in the deal. That's a good return on a one-time-All-Star power forward, particularly when you only wanted to dump salary.

What we may have witnessed here is a win-win trade, where both teams get what they wanted and improved as a result. This should be the result of every trade, and we shouldn't try to find only one winner to the deal. The Lakers clearly benefitted greatly from the deal, but Memphis won too. Yes, such a conclusion is entirely possible.

There. The balance is redressed. Now take out the bits about Darrell Arthur, and pretend I wrote that in February.

Highlight of game 4

Coming back from commercials to start the fourth quarter, ESPN ran a Doc Rivers Totally Enthused Moments Montage. Firstly, to his team in a timeout:

"We got to keep fighting! We GOT to keep fighting!"

Secondly, to his team in a post-timeout huddle:

"Do you belieeeeeveeee???"

Thirdly, while smacking Kevin Garnett on the arse as he is subbed out of the game:

"Never stop believing, baby."

---

Immediately following this montage, ESPN cut to Michelle Tafoya interviewing Phil Jackson. The following slightly paraphrased exchange ensued, with Jackson using strangely slurred speech.

Tafoya: What happened back there in the third quarter?
Jackson: I don't know, what happened?

........

Tayofa: What did you do wrong in the third quarter, and what will you change to start the fourth?
Jackson: It was just momentum.

........

Tafoya: Do you think you can come back?
Jackson: It's momentum. It will change.

Strange times.

Jackson was wrong. It didn't change. You could argue that he handled the interview in a way that defines his calm, unflustered, and extremely experienced nature in situations such as this. But all it did was ooze complacency. And, as Detroit Pistons will tell you, complacency loses.

Say what you like about Doc Rivers as a coach. He has his flaws, and Bill Simmons will happily document them for you. But that clichéd motivational shit worked.


Other highlights include: Sam Cassell's contuned decline towards borderline insanity, P.J. Brown's airball/poster dunk dichotomy, everything Kobe Bryant did, the spectacularly bad fourth quarter play of Pau Gasol, and me feeling slightly vindicated about my earlier opinions on Trevor Ariza just to then watch as Jackson didn't go back to him in the fourth quarter.

Go Lakers.....maybe.

NBA Finals Anal

By unpopular demand, I won't talk about baseball. Instead, I'll talk about basketball. I shall retread the observations of the hundreds of other writers who are covering the subject, while adding no unique spin. It's how we roll around here.

---

1) There's no reason why Lamar Odom shouldn't be able to defend Kevin Garnett better than he does. None whatsoever. He has the length to bother his jumpshots as well as anyone can bother them, the athleticism to prevent any easy drives to the basket, and the reasonable man to man post defense to cope with the rare times that Garnett plays back to the basket. But he doesn't do it that well. And not only does he struggle at it, but he doesn't do it much at all, as Pau Gasol seems to end up with the assignment a lot of the time. This doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Also, this is somewhere where Andrew Bynum would come in handy.

2) Something that also doesn't make a lot of sense is Vlad Rad starting and playing as much as he is. I understand the Lakers need for shooting and spacing. I do. But Radmanovic is spectacularly bad in all other aspects of the game. (His rebounding numbers in this series have been quite good, but try and think of a single Radmanovic rebound. You can't - they were all gimmies that his replacement could have gotten, too.) And when you're matched up agaisnt a team that starts Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett at the 2-3-4 spots, you're left with the unattractive prospect of having Radmanovic guarding one of those three, particularly when Kobe Bryant spends so much time on Rajon Rondo. And Radmanovic just can't bloody do that. Leave him in as a token starter if you must, but don't actually PLAY him. Trevor Ariza can't shoot, but he still needs these minutes. Note - this is also a situation where Andrew Bynum would come in handy, as Radmanovic wouldn't be a starter.

3) This is more of a general point than a Finals specific point, given his performance thus far, but people should probably stop calling the "Celtics Big Three" by that name. Ray Allen never was as good as his two peers, and unlike those two, Ray Allen has also lost something. He's a fine third option to have, but the label "Big Three" implies some kind of parallel between all parties, that everything isequal, and that each is as important as the others. And that's wrong. Maybe they should switch it to Rondo instead.

4) In the fourth quarter of game three, Kevin Garnett hit a long jumpshot, one that boosted his shooting percentage to about 84%. The camera cut to Garnett running back on defense, and showed him puffing his cheeks with gusto, like a man who had just narrowly avoided driving into his own mother. Perhaps there's something in this "Garnett not clutch" thing. (Still, at least it wasn't a fallaway.)

5) Kobe picked up a technical in the first half of game three. At some point in the fourth quarter, when Kobe protested a rather obvious foul call made against him, he complained for a minute, and then walked away. Mark Wunderlich (great name by the way) walked after Kobe, yelling aggressively, almost as if he was goading Kobe into his secodn technical. Am I the only one who saw this? Is this really kosher? It seems unlikely that Wunderlich wanted to T him up given the Donaghy accusations out this week, but still.

6) Last year, Sasha Vujacic couldn't dribble and run at the same time. He couldn't shoot, pass, play defense, or generally avoid fucking up. Now he's the second best player in the NBA Finals. How the hell did that happen? I will now go grow my hair out long, hone my jumpshot, and give myself an Eastern European girls name. Hi, I'm Martha.

7) Sam Cassell's play in this series is startling, weird, and amusing if you don't like the Celtics. Every time he touches the ball, he winds up shooting it, and whether he hits the shot or not, it wasn't a good one to take. Essentially, Sam Cassell is out there playing like Eddie House.....on a team that also has Eddie House. Strange times. (Insert Anchorman quote beginning "Take it easy, Champ".) Doc Rivers finally figured this out in game three, gave Cassell the quick hook, and let Eddie House himself play the Eddie House role, but not before Cassell had managed to get up 4 shots in 7 minutes. Hooray for heady veteran play!

8) Speaking of heady veteran play, congratulations to P.J. Brown for needlessly starting on Jordan Farmar, travelling, setting moving screens, being unable to get his layups above rim height (that old quandry!) and geenrally doing absolutely nothing worthwhile apart from one frozen rope jumpshot. It was certainly the signing that put the Celtics over the top. And I heartily endorse having P.J. stay out there for 18 minutes in game three doing absolutely nothing worthwhile as Leon Powe watches on the sidelines, wondering quite what the hell he did wrong in game two where he had more points scored than minutes played. I heartily endorse this because I want the Celtics to lose.

9) If James Posey wasn't a malicous dirty drink driving prick, I could totally respect his game. But, as it is, fuck him.

10) At some point in this series, there's going to be a game where the Celtics score 21 in the fourth quarter, and Kobe scores 23 by himself. It may be tomorrow. You need to remember this.

11) You know that thing where a player runs into a cameraman while chasing a loose ball, there's a few seconds of silence as the director whispers into the announcer's ear, and then the announcer (now aware of the man's name) goes on to congratulate the cameraman's professionalism while generally acting all buddy buddy towards a man whose name he didn't know until ten seconds previously? Yeah. We could probably do without this.

12) The announcing crew for these games has been awesome. Mike Breen is the new industry standard, Jeff Van Gundy is FAR better than I ever would have thought possible, and Mark Jackson is a lot more comfortable and less painful when you give him a third guy to work alongside. They have been intelligent, humorous, and fair. The presentation has been good in general, although bear in mind that I don't get to see the ESPN studio lineup with Jon Barry and friends. (Readers note: I'm not unhappy with this, per se, but our replacement English equivalent over here is absolutely God awful. Just trust me on that.) We even managed to get through game three without a single unnecessary Michael Jordan comparison. Good times.

If they could stop the courtside celebrity shots, particularly those of Jack Nicholson, then we're onto a winner.

That is all. Go Lakers.

The Juan Carlos Navarro Experience

After the completion of the Grizzlies's second consecutive piss poor season, Spanish guard Juan Carlos Navarro immediately returned to his native Spain.

Immediately.

And why wouldn't he? A free agent this offseason, Navarro has been roundly stiffed by Memphis, who have managed to mismanage his situation rather spectacularly, in the way that only they know how. Let's recap:


1: Memphis traded a protected first rounder to Washington for the draft rights to Navarro.

2: They then sign Darko Milicic to a big deal, taking up most of their cap space..

3: Then, the Grizzlies completely inexplicably sign Casey Jacobsen and Andre Brown to minimum salary deals before completing negotiations with Navarro, as well as sign Mike Conley to his rookie deal (thus making his cap number 120% of the scale, not the 100% that was billed before he signed.)

As a result, they were left with only just above the minimum left from their cap room to give Navarro ($538,050), after he had already sealed his buyout with Barcelona. Navarro, as a result, had to take the only offer that Memphis could give him - one made unnecessarily piss poor by those stupid and inconsequential Jacobsen and Brown signings - and wound up playing for an overall financial loss last season.

Memphis then sucked gargantuan ass all year, and also traded away Juan's mate, Pau Gasol.

In the end, Navarro left Europe to come to the NBA, where he was treated with less money, less minutes, less acclaim, less wins, and less friends than he had just left his native country for.

So no, I shouldn't imagine that he's entirely sold on the idea of coming back.

Good ol' Memphis. They handled this well. They're a fine organisation at heart.



(But seriously: Casey Jacobsen???)

Dreaming about Mark Madsen

Do you ever stop and think about that time that Mark Madsen shot seven three pointers in an overtime game, when Minnesota and Memphis had the most blatant tank-off that history has ever seen? No, nor did I. That is, not until this morning, when I woke up thinking about it.

(For those unaware of what the hell I'm talking about, here's a box score.)

It's not an entirely normal thing to wake up thinking about, even for the most hardcore Madsen fans amongst us. (For we are all Mark Madsen fans. Obviously.) But some part of this must have ruffled my feathers, stoned my crows and enraged my loins, because this was all that i could think about for about 3 minutes after waking up.

It is now a permanent blot on the NBA landscape. The situation Minnesotas found themselves in - not good enough to make the playoffs, not bad enough to suck mightily without trying to - left them deliberately trying to lose games. It needn't have done, but General Manager extraordinaire Kevin McHale had already pissed away Minnesota's first rounder that season, as it was owed to the L.A. Clippers along with Sam Cassell in exchange for the mesmeric insignificance of Lionel Chalmers, along with Marko Jaric and his bevvy of minge. The pick, however, had top ten protection, and so in order to be able to keep it, Minnesota had to lose with a bit more regularly and finesse than they were doing up until that point.

They did this with aplomb, telling Kevin Garnett to stop playing (or so we thought), playing their better players for merely token minutes, and letting their worse players do whatever the hell they want, in what then-head coach Dwane Casey called "letting them have some fun" (read: "playing really badly so that we lose".)

The fact that they met an equally tanking Memphis team, who were tanking for a different reason, was an unfortunate coincidence. Memphis had comfortably made the playoffs, but was trying to lose for a different reason - they were residing in the fifth spot, with the Clippers in sixth. Whoever finished 5th would face the 60-22 Dallas Mavericks in the first round of the playoffs, without homecourt advantage, but whoever finished 6th would face Denver with homecourt advantage. After *accidentally* losing four of their last five games, the Clippers secured the worst (and, thus, the best) seed, in spite of Memphis's valiant efforts on the final day.

(The Clippers then beat Denver comfortably. The Grizzlies were swept by Dallas even more comfortably. Memphis were right not to want it.)

The whole exchange highlighted two key flaws in the NBA's system - the new playoff system and the protection of draft picks. The playoff system has been somewhat resolved, as the possibility of a team finishing lower down the seedings than a team with an inferior record has been decreased with the new decision to grant division winners no less than a top four seed, as opposed to a guaranteed top three seed. But the other situation remains intact, with lottery teams able to lose at will to either retain traded picks, or better their lottery chances. And it remains a travesty based around a communist idea of parity.

(The draft lottery isn't a million miles away from what Stalin was trying to do. Remember that.)



At this point, this post would benefit greatly from a well thought out and heavily critiqued suggestion for a better way of going about these things, so that such a deplorable situation won't ever happen again. (The concept of teams deliberately trying to lose is still prevalent - Miami, for example, has told Dwyane Wade to stop playing, and Memphis recently gifted away Pau Gasol just to take them out of purgatory.) However, as mentioned at the top, this post had a mere three minutes of thought, and so I haven't got one.

Any scenario in which teams are deliberately losing, though, is a gaping flaw in the otherwise well-constructed NBA machine. Therefore, it gives me something to bitch about. And so, I did. Quietly. To myself. For about three minutes.



Coincidentally (and it really was), a report came out on this very day (note: this note was not published on the day that it was written, which was the 18th) on the subject of Minnesota's recent tanking.

Responding to claims that his team tanked it down the stretch in recent years to improve draft position, Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor fired a barb at Kevin Garnett on Tuesday, as reported by Yahoo.com.

Taylor pointed out that Garnett, who was traded to the Celtics this offseason, took himself out of the lineup late last season and missed the last five games with a sore right quadriceps.

“It was more like, I’d say, K.G. tanked it,” Taylor told the Pioneer Press. “I think the other guys still wanted to play, but (the loss of Garnett) sure changed the team and didn’t make us as (good).”

While the quote may have been taken out of context, or Taylor had not necessarily said what he meant, it does sure as shit look like he is trying to pass the blame onto this entire situation onto Garnett's shoulders. This hardly seems entirely fair, given the Madsen situation that inspired this post. But it DID lead to me googling Glen Taylor's name, and thus seeing for the first time a picture of his grin.


I thought I should share that with you.

Game of the week number 2: Grizzlies vs Blazers

Bit late, but, whatever. I was busy. The game took place many days ago now, but dammit, I had taken all the notes and so I had to write them up, even if no one now cares. So here they are.


- It is partly a coincidence that I have the Blazers picked for the second straight week, but partly planned. This seemed like the most appetising game on the menu featuring two of my favourite teams, with youg talent oozing out of every orifice and the chance to get a fresh Casey Jacobsen fix. Win, lose or draw, I'm determined to enjoy myself. And given that I have mancrushes on about 20 of the players on show tonight, that should happen without me forcing it too much.

- Extremely early on, Mike Miller makes a sexy looking finger roll, and I'm happy. I think you should know that the excellence of Mike Miller is going to be a theme in this post, in spite of the fact that he played quite badly. Brian Cardinal will also feature heavily. Leave now if this offends you. By the way, my man crushes aren't exclusive to white people, as you will soon see.

- Damon Stoudamire is starting for the Grizzlies to begin this season, despite the two players behind him - Kyle Lowry and Mike Conley - being way better than him. It's an obvious showcase situation that just might work, for Damon looks to have a pep in his step that hasn't been seen since the day he put up 54 points and 0 rebounds as a Blazers. Hurtling towards 35, with 12 years of experience and some knee surgeries behind him, Damon looks to be catching a second wind of sorts. And that's a good thing. There will probably now be a trade made with him at the deadline. Quietly, I'm hoping that Boston is interested. It's not especially likely, but there's a chance that it could happen. And this might mean that Brian Cardinal and Brian Scalabrine wind up on the same team at the same time. Get excited, Memphis.

- Channing Frye, starting tonight for Portland, hits a 22 foot jumpshot. Two possessions later, he airballs a hookshot. I don't want to say Malik Allen, but he's headed that way, and it's depressing. He has so much more than that.

- In a high energy start to the game (which I was hoping for), there's a lot of coast to coastage going on. Martell Webster misses an easy fastbreak layup, the ball is down the other end of the court within about half a second, and Rudy Gay crushes home a dunk just like Webster should have done. This causes Blazers colour commentator Mike Rice to utter his first stupid comment of the day, remarking that Gay looked Pippen-like on that finish. Easy there, Mike. It was only an uncontested dunk.

- People have to stop calling Pau Gasol soft, you know. Half of his offensive possesions involve catching the ball at the elbow and clattering his way wildly towards the hoop, drawing fouls. That's not soft. It's ugly and a bit clumsy, but it's not soft. And it works. Let's disband the myth.

- Mike Rice calls Darko Milicic "Millisits", twice. More to follow.

- In what is currently a swishfest, Webster and Frye hit jumpshots as Portland takes a 9-6 lead, On another breakaway, Rudy Gay airballs a layup. Mike Rice doesn't mention Scottie Pippen this time.

- A few possessions later, Gay spins from the top, hangs in the air, hits the foul line jumpshot and draws a foul. Rice describes it as a "H.O.R.S.E. shot from the YMCA!". I only have one question - what actually IS a YMCA? I'm not very worldly, you see. I'm also highly influenced and seem to believe it's something to do with gay cowboys. Please help set me straight.

- Mike Rice just called Millisits "Darko". Good move. Probably best to put that whole surname thing to bed.

- I think I've found a reason why Memphis loses. They run very hard one way, and waddle the other. Yeah, that needs fixing.

- Portland head coach Nate McMillan is sporting a rakish if somewhat brave tie. Hats off to him. There's no need for the stoicism provided by most ties. Be daring. It's not a huge statement, but it's something.

- LaMarcus Aldridge blocks a Stoudamire layup attempt, caushing play by play commentator Mike Barrett to shout "don't bring that into LaMarcus Aldridge country". Unfortunately, he didn't say that, as he got distracted and tailed off towards the end, missing a syllable. You can guess which,

- Fresh from his Darko Millisits magic, Rice follows up by calling Gasol "Paul", which is something that I thought the whole NBA world had gotten over about 4 years ago. I sigh at this point.

- Marc Iavaroni has a hell of a forehead on him, it has to be said. He also has something of a profound neck going on there, and it's a good combination, even if it does make him look a bit like a librarian. Incidentally, speaking of awesome coaches foreheads, come join in the fun that is the "Draw things on Scott Skiles's forehead game. It's childish, but so am I.

- I love Mike Miller. But I don't think matching him up against Brandon Roy is going to be especially fair here. I hope I'm wrong.

- It's just occured to me that the arena in which Portland play is the Rose Garden, and that Lynn Anderson sung about such a thing all those years ago. So I've finally made the connection that the rest of the free world made about 25 years ago. Hooray!!

- Memphis is running a lot of post-up plays for Millisits, and three times already, Darko has gone left and made short hook shots. Why do so many post defenders let left handed players go left with ease? It made Othella Harrington's entire career, dammit. At some point you need to train yourself to know what's coming.

- Pau Gasol eats Aldridge alive on the defensive end, as LaMarcus doesn't challenge the shot in any way, but does manage to foul. For all of Aldridge's improved offense, this isn't the first time recently that his head isn't into it on defense. It's a shame because he's good at it. I hope he doesn't become like Rasheed Wallace. And the whole of Portland is probably hoping that too.

- In my notes, I have written down how Jarrett Jack has come into the game and gone straight to the shooting guard position with Brandon Roy running the point guard duties. However, in my rushed short hand, I've written only "Jack off", which needed to be shared. Thank God Rudy Gay's name wasn't in that note.

- This game is still fun. With three minutes lin the first, Memphis is leading 24-21. It's pretty fast stuff.

- Ghostface Przybilla checks into the game as McMillan tries to find a way of stopping Milicic and Gasol, who have scored freely inside. So that's now three of my favourite players of all time on the floor at once, with Miller, Gasol and Przybilla out there.

- Speaking of, in comes Casey Jacobsen. Awesome.

- Barrett reads out the stat that 22 of Memphis's first 26 points have come from in the paint, and you haven't needed to be watching very hard to believe him. Things have been rather pourous in there. Straight away after Przybilla enters the game, Mike Miller shoots a three and misses. Yeah, you're right to to be scared, Mike.

- Darko goes for another left handed hook, and misses qutie short on it. He was defended on the play by Joel Przybilla (obviously), whose strength and general brilliance made Darko take the shot from about 3 or 4 feet away from where he shot his earlier ones that he made. It's fair to say that Joel Przybilla is a game changer.

- Roy shoots a fadeaway, and misses, but the Blazers get the offensive rebound. I'll let you guess who did it. CLUE = It rhymes with Noel Przykilla.

- Does referee Jimmy Clark dye his hair or his eyebrows?


- Going up for a dunk, Przybilla gets partially blocked, and gets the ball wedged between the rim and the backboard. Strength, tenacity, persistence, ineptitude. The total Przybilla package, all yours for only $6 million a year. I want one.

- A three possession run sees Przybilla grab an offensive rebound, block a shot by Mike Conley, then grab another offensive rebound. I appreciate that the Przybilla talk may be getting annoying, but right now he's dominating this entire game and it's hard to not talk about him. I need a suitable distraction.

- Ah, there's one. Kyle Lowry enters the game. I'm a massive fan of Kyle Lowry, as everybody should be. He's the next Jason Kidd. Bollocks to Mike Conley. This now means that Memphis is sporting the perimeter trio of Lowry, Jacobsen and Miller, which makes me a truly happy bunny.

- Mike Barrett reminds us all that tonight is Greg Oden bobblehead night. Hmmm. Maybe they should have rescheduled that.

- During an advert break, an advert for Adidas or whoever it was comes on, and Dwyane Wade comes on, looking moody, then shouts "Der-WAAAAAAAYNE, WADE". I'm not sure how this helped advertise the product, nor how anyone could find it enthralling or otherwise. But hey ho, I'm just a cynical bastard.

- The same advert break cuts back just in time for us viewers to catch the last few seconds of the Dunking Elvises (Elvii?) trampoline spectacular slamball thing. It was awesome. I'd watch about an hour of that and the grin on my face would never waver. Make it an all-star event. Make the competitors wear fancy dress. Do this now.

- Memphis scores 6 quick points to stretch the lead out to 32-23. And at this point I've just noticed that Mike Conley, Tarence Kinsey, Hakim Warrick (injured) and Brian Cardinal aren't in the game, and haven't been at any point. Memphis, if you need help in rehoming any of those 4, get me a job as an NBA GM and I'll gladly assist.

- Mike Rice called Hakim Warrick "War Wig". There's plenty more from The Mike Rice Show to come, but as you may have gathered, I'm not a fan. This is because he is crap.

- Pau Gasol has 17 of Memphis's 32 points, coming on 8-9 shooting. I say this only to re-emphasis how sloppy Portland's interior defense has been so far. Paul is repeatedly going at Aldridge, and winning. Concern.

- Hey, Tarence Kinsey is in! Cool. I like Kinsey. But if any two players were going to get in ahead of him, then I'm glad it was Jacobsen and Miller.

- A Memphis offensive possession sees Casey Jacobsen stand in the corner with his arms up for 12 seconds, then running back on defense. This is why I love Casey Jacobsen and his one dimensional genius. He looked genuinely upset that he didn't get to shoot.

- Kyle Lowry is the next Jason Kidd. I've mentioned this before and I'll mention it again.

- As much as I like Mike Miller, he really could use a more heterosexual choice of headband.

- Right on cue, Mike Miller goes to posterise Joel Przybilla, going up strong for the dunk. There can only be one winner. And naturally, it's Joel Przybilla, as he meets Mikey at the top and blocks the ball away. A part of me dies watching this, but again, as above - if Miller's going to lose out to someone, then it would have to be Przybilla. It makes it all right.

- Memphis assistant coach Johnny Davis looks like the result of one of those image morphing websites, With this in mind, I used one such program and tried to restore Davis's head to that of a normal person. The results were, um, staggering.

Before:



After:


It didn't need to be done, but it has been, and it was educational.

- Memphis leads 40-28 at this moment, with only one turnover. They're playing crisply on offense and Portland is doing little about this, particularly on the inside as we have already covered. Annoyingly, Mike Rice is using every opportunity possible to spew forth bilious hate towards the rookie referee in charge of this game, whose name he chooses not to use, instead running with the term "the rookie ref". Rice seems to believe that all his calls are to be questioned because of who he is, and that he isn't worthy to call a foul on a Portland player. It's very annoying to say the least, and it's going to feature in upcoming stanzas. So read on, loyal viewer.

- Joel Przybilla blocks a Darko Milicic dunk. Like any other eventually was even possible.

- Mike Miller commits a foul, and protests it. Mike Barrett mentions how Mike Miller has "never committed a foul [in his own mind]", and Mike Rice likened Mike Miller's complaining to that of Tim "Mike" Duncan. This post isn't necessary, I just wanted to say Mike a lot. Mike Mikey Mike Mike.

- Conley enters the game, upping the Mike tally one further. Bizarrely but not exepectedly, he goes straight into the backcourt alongside Mike Lowry, who stays in the game. This has to make you think - despite Lowry being far from a sure thing, especially after such a short run last season, it's obvious to anyone that he's really good. He's a point guard of the future calibre prospect for this team. So why then did they draft another one at 4 this year, even if Mike Conley is really good? Do they foresee a situation in which the two can play a lot alongside each other, or do they want a T.J. Ford/Jose Calderon thing going on? Neither of those scenarios would be bad, but they aren't necessarily optimum use of assets. So we'll see how this plays out.

- Immediately, Conley breaks a full court press, glides past the defense (if that's what it's called) of Steve Blake, and draws an and-1 on Przybilla. Maybe that's why they drafted him, then.

- The rookie referee calls LaMarcus Aldridge for hooking as he made his move down low. Instantly, Mike Rice once again calls into question this referee's tenacity and reasons for being alive, condemning him spitefully and mercilessly. He ignores, of course, that it was actually a foul.

- Sideline reporter Rebecca Haarlow - who may or may not be fit, she's too silhouetted to really see - interviews the wife of Darius Miles about her upcoming child birth. In response to Haarlow's question of "what are you doing to get ready?", Brandi Miles replies "Praying", which seems odd. But it's not as odd as the Blazers actually acknowledging that Miles is still a part of the organisation. I can't say I saw that coming.

- LaMarcus Aldridge commits a charge on Kyle Lowry, but the charging foul is not called. Replays clearly show that it was a missed call by the referee, who just so happens to be the immortal "rookie ref". However, since this no-call went Portland's way, Mike Rice chooses to overlook his nemesis's decision this time. Quel suprise.

- Mike Conley penetrates the lane and kicks out to Kyle Lowry, who hits a three.

- Kyle Lowry penetrates the lane and kicks out to Mike Conley, who hits a three. Yeah, I always knew this pairing would work out. Memphis leads 57-43. At this moment, Casey Jacobsen subs in, clearly in it for some three point shooting while the getting's good.

- Mike Rice calls Darko Millisits "Millishits". I'd like that to have been Freudian, but it wasn't. He's just bad at commentating.

- Mike Conley continues to destroy Steve Blake, which is more of a damning statement about Blake than it is an endorsement for Conley. Sitll, he looks good.

- It's now halftime, Memphis are leading 61-49, and I opt to enjoy one of the major advantages of taped delayed games - I skip straight to the second half, ignoring the tedious half time show. Yup.

- Damon Stoudamire is back out on the floor to start the second half, and Mike Rice is quick to congratulate him on being Damon Stoudamire. He calls him "Super Mouse", "one of my favourites", and a man who "knows everything about the game, like Danny Ainge". Make your own jokes here. I'll just roll my eyes at the Super Mouse thing.

- Steve Blake, would you PLEASE let Brandon Roy touch the ball? I know you're officially the point guard, but Roy is a better one of those than you are.

- Channing Frye is also back into the game, and he airballs a layup after expecting to draw contact that never came. Thw window is closing on this guy, I tell you.

- On another post move, Darko Milicic finally goes right. It's an alien concept to him, and he travels.

- Mike Barrett makes a good point - is Mike Miller shutting down Brandon Roy? Roy certainly hasn't done much yet, and Miller has chased him relentlessly off the ball, showing unusually good lateral quickness. So maybe he is shutting him down. Or maybe Steve Blake is shutting Roy down. Or maybe Roy's just doing his first half passiveness routine. Or all three.

- Super Mouse successfully runs a pick and roll with Millishits, who dunks the ball. While running back on defense, he inexplicably slaps himself in the face. I can only think that this was a Darius Miles shoutout that went a bit wrong.

- The Blazers are running some kind of promotion called the Steal Of The Game or something, in which you buy tickets for 10 games, get an 11th one free, and also get two free basketballs. Something like that, anyway. As Barrett reads out the scripted promotion speech for about the third time tonight, Rice randomly intercepts with the sentence "did you see what 'Sheed in Detroit the other night?". Barrett politely answers "yes", then continues with the rest of the speech. Barrett is a competent if not great announcer, but Mike Rice is making him look wonderful, beause of how bad Rice himself is. It's the ol' Joe Morgan and Jon Miller scenario in an NBA setting.

- It feels like only 5 years ago that Raef LaFrentz was a valued commodity and one of the league's best young centers. This is because it was. Capable of 5 blocks and 5 three pointers in any given night, LaFrentz was hot shit, , even if he couldn't stay healthy. And yet now, not far down the line, the injuries have caught up with him and he's left as an incredibly expensive DNP-CD machine. Upsetting, really. I like the fella. And he also looks like the drummer out of Scouting For Girls, a band that you've never heard of, but who I'm publicising because I'm their friend and because I can. Buy their stuff. Do it now. And tell your friends.

- Brandon Roy steals the ball on back to back possessions, both of which lead to baskets. On the first trip he leads the break, and on the second he finishes it. This leads to Mike Barrett reading out the rather amazing statistic (if I heard him correctly) that Portland had only 3 steals all season up until tonight. That's such an anomaly that I might have simply misheard him. Naturally, I couldn't be arsed to look it up and be sure.

- Both of those steals came on errant passes from the high post by Pau Gasol, who then throws it away on a third straight possession before being bailed out by a foul call on Webster, the pass intercepter. Why Memphis is suddenly giving it to Pau in the high post, where he can't do much, instead of feeding him in the low post where he did so much damage earlier, is a bloody good question that no one seems to have asked. Memphis still leads, but the lead is cut to 63-59, and Portland has momentum.

- After a Steve Blake turnover, Mike Miller is blocked again on the ensuing break, this time by Webster. It leads to a fastbreak going the other way, which LaMarcus Aldridge finishes with an and-1. The momentum is still very much with Portland, and Brandon Roy is starting to take over the game, collapsing the defense at will and running the entire offense to great effect. Just one question - where was this in the first half?

- Mike Rice calls Kyle Lowry "Kyle Lorry". It's not an accent thing. He just can't say any names, it appears.

- Pau Gasol goes to the bench with 4 fouls. This is a good thing, because in comes Brian Cardinal. Woohooooo!! The run-stopper himself.

- Incdientally, while looking up the other day any nicknames Mike Miller may have, the only one that I could find for him was "Skinny". It's pretty apparent why he doesn't go by this any more, so we need to find Miller a new nickname. Apply within.

- Stromile Swift is also in, and almost immediately commits a turnover. People need to end the comparisons with him and Tyrus Thomas - apart from being athletic and from LSU, there's basically nothing to it. When Stromile can pass and dribble like Tyrus, let me know. Portland scores on the subsequent possession, and it's a one point game.

- At this point, Brian Cardinal takes and makes a no-doubt three from the corner. I told you he was a run stopper.

- On a post up, Cardinal goes to take the charge on Aldridge, falls, but doesn't get a call. Aldridge jumps over him, dunks, and then taunts the stricken Cardinal. Be careful there, champ. Brian Cardinals lash out when they get angry, and they can be a very volatile beast.

- Speaking of LaMarcus Aldridge, he's scoring a lot tonight, but a lot of it comes from opportunity baskets. This isn't a bad thing, for it shows good all around offense on Portland's part, particularly by Brandon Roy and good instincts of Aldridge's part. It's just worth nothing. He's continuing to prove, though, that he isn't nearly the one dimensional jumpshooting offensive player that his haters seem to pigeon hole him has. Basically I'm saying that he's not Channing Frye.

- On a call regarding the possession arrow after a strip, the rookie referee overrules the white-headed-dark-eyebrowed Jimmy Clark, giving possession to Portland instead of Memphis. Replays show that the rook was righ tto do this, as Clark got the call wrong. So, does Mike Rice credit the rookie ref, given that he achiueve the unlikely triple headeer of getting the call right, having the balls to overrule the old timer, and also give a decision in Portland's favour? Does he bollocks. Instead, he credits Clark for letting the rook overrule him. Sometimes you have to wonder if Rice believes in this misguided inflexible referee hierarchy thing that he seems to have invented. It sure looks that way.

- Mike Rice then promptly calls Steve Blake "Steve Beck". I'm picking a lot on Mike Rice here, but it's impossible not to. To coin a phrase, he's fucking shite.

- Stromile Swift does one of those statement blocks where instead of simply catching the ball or caroming it to a team mate, he swats it into the first row, allowing Portland to regain possession. Old dog, new tricks, and all that jazz.

- Travis Outlaw, quiet thus far, makes a nice finish on the break, also getting a foul shot courtesy of a Brian Cardinal foul. Mike Rice compares the finish by Outlaw to Jerry West. The comparison is valid, given that they have had similar careers. Well, sorta. One is on the NBA Logo recognised by millions and weas thie shit both as a player and a GM, and one backs up Channing Frye. But essentially they are equals.

-

Not sure what I was trying to say here.

By the way, you know how women seem to love it when men have good handwriting? Well, I'm single. I think my handwriting reflects this.

- I truly appreciate Jarrett Jack's eyebrows. That is all.

- Stromile Swift commits an offensive foul as Przybilla takes charge. Mike Rice chooses that moment to heavily compliment the rookie ref for making the call. Wow. That was unexpected.

- On the ensuing possession, the rookie ref calls Travis Outlaw for a travel. Rice's comment: "I thought he [the ref] was improving". Again, the fact that the correct call was made gets overlooked. And I really don't think Rice said that with any hint of irony in his voice.

- We're treated to more Dunking Elvis action, and I'm still loving it. This should take place in the backround at all games at all times. I'm sold.

- Mike Rice asks the players of both teams to "bump and grind more". 'K.

- Cardinal turns down a wide (as in wiiiiiiiiide) open three, favouring the one-pass-too-many option instead. Apparently Brian Cardinals as a species don't get angry after all, but rather, they curl up into a ball like hedgehogs and wither. That's a shame.

- Darko Milicic is fouled on a missed layup, his fifth missed layup/dunk of the night. Mike Barrett - not deadpanning, just incorrect - mentions that Milicic has "been playing well tonight". A rare slip from Barrett, who is still being elevated to legendary status purely because of the inane sod next to him.

- This is the first game I've ever watched Mike Conley play. And I think I've gotten a pretty accurate scouting report on him - he's going left. Always.

- The game is tied at 79 after a Martell Webster three, one opened up from Brandon Roy once again collapsing the defense. Part way through last season, there were rumours about Brandon Roy playing point guard full time. These rumours were quickly shot down, and the signing of Steve Blake to go with Jarrett Jack and Sergio Rodriguez, as well as the drafting of Petteri Koponen and Taurean Green, seem to support the idea that it's not going to happen. However, given how good he is at it, it bloody well should. Or at least, they should bring in a high quality shooter and good defnsive player to play alongside him. Beck isn't it, and while Jack might be one day, he probably won't be. Ideas on a postcard please.

- Mike Rice double whammy - after Martell Grand National makes a defensive stop, Rice says "one time, you could make that play against Martell Webster, but not now in 207", and then calls Kyle Lowry "Lorry" for the second time. Both are seemingly meaningless slip-ups, but they are part of a long pattern of cock-ups that Rice has produced tonight. It's made weirder by the way that 8 words after calling him Lorry, and still in the same sentence, Rice manages to then get his name right. Strange times.

- I swear to God "Dude Looks Like A Lady" just played when Mike Miller was shooting a free throw.

- Mike Barrett comment during a Milicic miss - "inside to Darko, who hasn't scored in.....a couple of years". See, Mike Rice, that's how it's done. With good flow, correct names and some articulation, Barrett has managed to both make a funny and undo his previous mistake. Learn from this, and spend more than 8 seconds on your pre-game notes. If you took any.

- Darko is subbed out for Gasol, and pounds his chest on the way to the bench. This, plus the face slappage thing, make me believe that he's a bit of a masochist. Kinky.

- Straight away after the 4 foul Gasol re-enters, Portland goes straight at him, and LaMarcus Aldridge goes up with the left hand and finishes over him. Portland now leads 86-84 after trailing for most of the game, and they have nullified any consistent Memphis threat in the second half. Memphis haven't really had a plan, which hasn't helped. They've also slowed the pace right down after the earlier high tempo game was working for them, and this has played into Portland's hands. A Jarrett Jack three pointer makes it 89-84 to Portland.

- At this moment, the rookie referee calls an offensive three second violation on a Memphis player whose name I forgot to write down. Mike Rice treats this call with utter disdain, exclaiming "how can he call that?!?!?", citing the close end-game circumstance as his defense. He may have the vague outlines of a point had the offensive player not been there for nearer 14 seconds than three. Rice's hate for the rookie is renewed, as is mine for Rice. By the way, when I was aged 5, I ate a plate of rice and cabbage one day at school, and was then sick over my plate. I haven't deliberately eaten rice or cabbage since. True story. Dull story.

- "It must the the fourth quarter, for Brandon Roy has the ball in the middle". This observation by one of the Mike's At The Mikes is accurate, yet irritating - it doesn't need to be this way. Roy drives the lane, scores the bucket and a foul on Pau, misses the free throw, grabs his own offensive rebound, and makes a jumpshot from the wing. In case I haven't mentioned this before, Brandon Roy is the shit. Not shit, but THE shit.

- Jarrett Jack is having a good fourth quarter, and is now up to 14 points for the game after making a tough banker. I don't get why people underrate him so much, or why Portland seems so set to replace him. He's a nice player to have. Portland leads 95-90.

- Both teams have gone away from any kind of offensive strategy, and Brandon Roy and Roy gay take it in turns to isolate on every possession. Gay is quietly having a teriffic night with 30 points, but Portland has Roy, the edge, the home crowd and the momentum. Despite it being a close game with time left, you can't foresee Memphis winning it any more. Portland has just stepped up and taken it.

- On cue, Kyle Lowry grabs an offensive rebound and makes a putback with an and-1 possibility. Rice calls him "Mr Two Possession", the first Rice comment that I've agreed with. Watch Kyle Lowry destroy Dave Berri's Wages Of Wins ranking next season. It's going to happen.

- Jarrett Jack makes another three. Memphis has resumed a running game, pushing the ball on Portland makes like they did early to great effect, but it's a bit futile now, as Portland takes an insurmountable lead. Jack follows up his three with his third circus layup of the game, although it is wrongly waved off in favour of two free throws, both of which he makes.

- The final minute of the game is a free throw shooting contest, as Memphis tries in vain to close a near double digit Portland lead. Kyle Lowry misses two free throws as Portland makes theirs, helped out by a lane violation by a Memphis player with 22 seconds left (Mike Rice doesn't question the call, obviously). Portland closes out the game in a professional taking-care-of-business kind of way, and the better team won. The talent on show in this game was awesome, but Portland are that much further along in their development.

It's a game which, if you didn't watch it, you should have done. These two teams won't compete for anything this year, but they are two of the best young lineups in the league, both of whom know how to get out and run, making for exciting basketball. The fact that so many of my favourite white stiffs were on show as well was always a bonus. The game had something for everybody, and everything for somebody.

That somebody was me. I had a great time. I'd better go and write week three's game now.