Where Are They Now, 2009; Part 16

- Semih Erden - recipient of the funniest NBA forum thread title that I've ever seen, "Semih Erden is finally in the NBA" - never left Turkey. In his fourth year with Fenerbache, Erden is averaging 9.9 points and 4.5 rebounds in Turkish league play, along with 6.7 points and 4.2 rebounds in Euroleague play. And yes, I'm fully aware that that thread title isn't actually very funny, if at all. It's funnier when you're really overtired and have just eaten some very strong continental cheese.

- Ebi Ere is signed in Australia. If he has any sense, he'll never leave - he's a legend there. Playing for the third place Melbourne Tigers, Ere (pronounced 'Ear', at least by Rick Kamla) averages 22.4 points, 5.2 rebounds and 2.4 assists, which is one of the highest points per game averages that this list has seen so far. Ere's teammates include former NBA centre Chris Anstey, and a man by the name of Stephen Hoare, whose mother must have had it tough. (Note: while looking up Ere's averages, I was looking up the Australian league (the NBL) on Wikipedia, to see how it was that Ere had played only 4 games. Turns out that he had actually played 23. While I was there, though, I chose to look up the New Zealand Breakers, another NBL team, and try to figure out why there was a New Zealandolian team in the Australian league. It was then that I noticed that the Breakers's former coach was called Frank Arsego. Best. Name. Ever.)

- Evan Bruce Eschmeyer - whose nickname ought really be "Almighty", given that name of his - gave up basketball many moons ago, in late 2004, due to chronic injury. Since then, he has founded an online recruiting service, gone back to Northwestern and earned further business and law degrees, campaigned a bit for the Democratic Party, and was "heaily involved" in Stanko Barac's successful presidential campaign. What he's done since then, I'm not sure, but there's sure to be something.

- Daniel Ewing is playing for Procol Harum (Prokom) in Poland, where he forms a midget backcourt with David Logan. (Also on that team - Ronnie Burrell. Remember him?) Ewing averages 14.2 points, 2.7 rebounds, 2.6 assists and 1.6 steals in Euroleague play, and if ever you wanted to know why so many fringe or former NBA players were signing with this Polish team (Ewing, Logan, Burrell, Koko Archibong, Pat Burke), then now you know why. It's because they're in the Euroleague. And that gets you exposure. And exposure keeps the money coming in.

- Patrick Ewing Jr is with the Reno Bighorns (giggidy) in the D-League, as the Knicks still don't have a roster spot with which to sign him. (And apparently no one else wants to.) Ewing Jr averages 13.7 points, 8.3 rebounds, 2.5 assists and 2.3 turnovers a game. Meanwhile, Patrick Ewing Sr is an assistant coach with the Orlando Magic, as is Steve Clifford, whose ability to transform his head into a ripened purple turnip during the sideline of every game continues to baffle and amaze.

- Olu Famutimi is into his second season with Khimik in the Ukraine. The second season isn't going as well as the first - O-Fam averages 10.7 points and 4.7 in the Ukranian league, but that drops to 6.7 points and 4.7 rebounds (and 32% shooting) in the EuroChallenge. Which is the EuroChallenge, you ask? To be honest, I've forgotten as well.

- Desmon Farmer made the San Antonio Spurs roster out of training camp, but it didn't last very long, as the Spurs quickly waived him to pounce on Blake Ahearn, who the Wolves had also let go. (Ahearn didn't last long in San Antonio, either. Don't know why.) Farmer subsequently buggered off to Russia, where he averages 15.3 points, 2.0 rebounds and 3.5 assists for Spartak Primorie Vladivostok, the team in last place in the Russian superleague. Tough break.

- Nick Fazekas didn't make the Nuggets roster, went to Belgium to play for Oostende, was released after getting injured, and since signed in France with ASVEL Lyon-Villeurbanne. Fazekas has played one game in the French league, scoring 8 points with 12 rebounds in 20 minutes. He should be in the NBA. That is all.

- I like to Peter Fehse as a yardstick for how hardcore into the NBA you are. By this I mean that if you know who Peter Fehse is, you are some kind of seriously hardcore NBA fan. Not even fans of the team that drafted him know who he is, because that team (the Sonics) no longer exist. So, here goes: Peter Fehse is a ginger German with a jewfro, whom the Sonics drafted with the 49th pick back in 2002. They did this on the assumption that this 18 year old 7 footer would pan out. But he emphatically hasn't. A combination of a lack of skill and endless injuries has pretty much put his career on hold. Unsigned since September 2007 due to an achilles tendon injury, Fehse finally signed with Braunschweig this month, the same team that he has tried to play with for about 5 seasons now. (Them and their second team, at least.) But guess what? He hurt himself again in his second game back, once again the achilles tendon, and his season is over. His career might be, too. This amusing Google Translate tells the full story, although Peter Fehse himself says it best:

"You can look at only with gallows humor take."

That you can, Peter Fehse. That you can.

- Noel Felix was playing in the D-League for The Arse, but was waived due to injury earlier this month. Felix averaged 13.1 points, 6.6 rebounds and 2.0 blocks a game, as well as 2.9 turnovers, a strangely huge amount for a man who barely dribbles.

- Andrei Fetisov has retired and hasn't played since February 2007. Can you see a theme here? Go to the unsigned draft picks list, and cross off all those who we have deemed to be retired in these Where Are They Now posts. The list suddenly gets a lot shorter.

- Finally tonight, do you want a 31 year old athletic but unskilled power forward? If so, you might want to check out Kimani Ffriend, as the L.A. Clippers did only last year. Ffriend, a late bloomer who didn't play organised basketball until he was about 29, averages 15.7 points, 9.0 rebounds and 1.5 blocks for Mersin in Turkey. Unfortunately, he's finally getting good only after he's hurtled past 30. So Europe awaits. Still.

Summer signings, round 22

- A while ago, I helpfully wrote this.

Taurean Green is about to sign with some team in some country in Europe. And I forgot to write down who and where.

Well, I now know! Green has signed with CAI Zaragoza, which is a team in Spain. ShamSports.com - where uninteresting news is broken later than on other sites, and not very informatively at that.

- Oklahoma City signed Kyle Weaver, which gives them something they otherwise sorely lack - a shooting guard. (I mean, they have a looooooot of forwards. Desmond Mason and Joe Smith are only there as expirings, even though they are decent players. But even without them there's too much forward depth going on. This is making my great plan to pawn Cedric Simmons off onto them slightly harder to achieve.)

- There was a weird trade what happened, there be. Houston traded Patrick Ewing to New York for the draft rights to Frederic Weis. Houston did this for the same reasons that they traded Sean Singletary and Steve Novak before him - to dump salary so that they can re-sign Carl Landry and Dikembe Mutombo. But it must be pretty weird for Ewing Jr to be going to the team where his old man is revered as a bit of a legend, when he himself is going to struggle to make the regular season active roster. I can only imagine that that adds more pressure to a pretty desperate situation.

(Also, re: the Knicks - you trade away Renaldo Balkman because he doesn't "fit in", and then you trade for Patrick Ewing Jr. Hmmm. What did I miss?)

As for the hows and whys of Weis's involvement, read the bottom half of this page. I KNEW that writing all that bobbins would be worth it one day!

- And finally (yes, so soon!), Hapoel Holon signed Deron Washington, who will pair up with P.J. Tucker to form what no one is calling "The Wing Of Dreams". Speaking of Deron Washington, here is a list of all of this year's second rounders and what they've done with their lives, as well as possibly some nob jokes.



- Nikola Pekovic is signed in Europe, as well Minnesota knew when they drafted him. He has moved from Partizan Belgrade to Panathinaikos. He's also the eponymous star of a slightly pornographic Eastern European remake of Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

- Walter Sharpe signed with the Detroit Pistons, and I forgot to tell you. Sorry.

- Joey Dorsey has not yet signed with the Houston Rockets, but he will do.

- Mario Chalmers has signed a three year deal with the Heat, who nevertheless have said that he won't be the starter next year. Which means that, by default, Marcus Banks or Chris Quinn will be. That can't be good. But it could be worse. It could be Stephon Marbury.

- DeAndre Jordan signed with the Clippers, as mentioned repeatedly already.

- Omer Asik isn't going to join the Bulls for at least two years, as he is signed with Fenerbache until that time. When he does join the NBA, he's probably going to be brilliant.

- Cucumber A Moute is signed with the Bucks and currently represents every decent defensive forward that they have.

- Kyle Weaver - look up, towards the bit where it says "Oklahoma City signs" and then where it says "Kyle Weaver" immediately afterwards.

- Sonny Weems is unsigned and recovering from hernia surgery. Will Denver sign him for camp? Probably. Do I have evidence of that? Nope.

- Chris Douglas-Roberts signed with New Jersey. I forgot to tell you this, too.

- Nathan Jawai signed with Toronto. I forgot to tell you this, too, too.

- Sean Singletary signed with Sacramento, then got traded to Houston, then got traded to Phoenix. Bobby Jones is worried. But Phoenix is expected to keep him now.

- Patrick Ewing also signed with Sacramento. Patrick Ewing also got traded to Houston. But, in a move that seperates him from the Sean Singletarys of this world, Ewing was then traded to New York. (Confusing, I know.) Look up for scorn.

- Ante Tomic......err, well, I can't find anything definitive either way, but I'd basically guarantee he's not signing this year. He's not signed a deal with the Jazz, and Kyrylo Fesenko and Kosta Koufos are already under contract. So why bring in Tomic? Who needs three tall European centres?

- Goran Dragic was the compelling protagonist of a "will he won't he" love epic that still hasn't entirely finished yet. It is said that he will sign with the Suns, but he hasn't done so yet.

- Trent Plaisted is signed with Angellico Biella in Italy.

- Bill Walker signed with the Celtics.

- Malik Hairston is unsigned and probably at least going to camp with the Spurs. I say that with nothing to back it up other than the fact that he's a Spurs draft pick who hasn't signed in Europe yet. If you have Malik Hairston news (I can find none! What the deuce!), fire it off below.

- Richard Hendrix signed with the Warriors way back in the day.

- DeVon Hardin signed with Belediyespor in Turkey.

- Shan Foster is signed with Juve Caserta in Italy.

- Darnell Jackson will be going to camp with the Cavaliers, which is a Python-esque sentence if you don't know what your NBA lingo.

- Tadija Dragicevic is staying with Red Star Belgrade (Crvena Zvezda) for at least one more season.

- Maarty Leunen is, according to the Rockets, destined for Europe. But Leunen hasn't signed there yet, perhaps hoping that the Rockets will miss Steve Novak more than they thought. If this wild unsubstantiated theory is in any way true......Maarty, don't bother going to Houston's camp this year. They'll just cut you. They can't even seem to fit Carl Landry in, for God's sake.

- Mike Taylor signed with the Clippers a good long while ago.

- Sasha Kaun signed with CSKA Moscow back on part two of this summer signings list. Bloody hell. That was ages ago. I'm still shooting for fifty, by the way, despite the fact that the news is drying up thick and fast. I'll invent it if I have to.

- James Gist has also signed with Angellico Biella.

- Joe Crawford signed with the Lakers already.

- Deron Washington - look up.

- Semih Erden isn't coming over this year. (Giggidy.)


As for the first rounders, everyone signed with their team, apart from George Hill (who should do, last I heard), and Serge Ibaka (who won't).

Hey look, only one cock joke!

Summer signings, round 12

- After much protestation on my part, the Clippers finally waived Josh Powell, hours before his contract became guaranteed. They then use the resultant cap space to sign veteran forward Brian Skinner. Thus, waiving Powell WAS worth it after all. My same plaudits and criticisms of every other Clippers free agency move so far also apply here - good player, very good value, but again with the age? (Oh well. Signing good players for good value can never be a bad thing.)

This move also impacts me on a personal level, as I had advocated Brian Skinner as a good signing for my incorrigible Chicago Bulls, because the idea of Aaron Gray and Drew Gooden as backup centres doesn't stir my loins. I tend to get right bummy and anal when what I deem to be a great addition falls by the wayside (See also: Devin Brown, Jason Kapono, Luther Head), and so you might be hearing a lot more talk about Brian Skinner around these parts. Additionally, if Ben Gordon leaves as a free agent, my Salim Stoudamire campaign is going global.

- Speaking of the Bulls, they actually did stuff. After overpaying to re-sign Luol Deng, the Bulls also then waived guard JamesOn Curry, leading to a round of "JamesOff The Team" jokes from people who should probably know better. Including me. Curry's salary was only $100,000, thus waiving him saved the Bulls $169,403 (Curry's $711,517 salary, minus the $100,000 amount of his guarantee, and the $442,114 cost of his rookie replacement, something which I have just assumed will happen.) This is the kind of purse-string dalliance that the Bulls will be regularly flirting with now, determined as they are to not pay the luxury tax. Cedric Simmons, don't even bother unpacking.

- Orlando waived James Augustine, a move only baffling if you poke around and discover that, according to everybody, he wasn't even under contract in the first place. Strange times.

- Rumours abound that Premiata Montegranaro - the Italian first division team who I mentioned earlier after they signed Darius Rice - are to try and sign the formerly famous and currently infamous Shawn Kemp. Apparently, if that doesn't work out, Bread Mountain have a different nearly-40-substance-abusing-power-forward-who-has-been-out-of-the-game-for-ages-and-whose-weight-could-be-anywhere already lined up, in the form of Vin Baker. I don't know whether such reports were fashioned before the team had had any kind of first hand look of the two players, but I'd pretty confidently guess not. It might chance their stance.

- In other scrub news, Ken Johnson signed with the Koeln 99ers in Germany, and Kennedy Winston signed with Turk Telekom. You can probably figure out which country that team resides in. HarpringIsMyHomeslice.com: the only NBA website to actually still care about Ken Johnson. (You hear that, Ken? We care. Call me.)

- And now news of a trade that hasn't happened yet. The Sacramento Kings will trade Ron Artest to the Houston Rockets for an assortment of goodies, including Bobby Jackson, Donte Green, and a first round draft pick. (Patrick Ewing Jr and Sean Singletary will apparently be included for salary matching, and will then be waived.)

That trade owns for Houston. Simply owns. It's a risk, for it is a risk whenever someone acqures Ron Artest before he's even gotten there, Artest has already made a twat out of himself to the Houston fans. But it's a risk worth taking. Artest is on an expiring contract, and if things don't work out, it need only be a one year investment. With Tracy McGrady starting to show signs of age, Houston's championship window is pretty small, but this move demonstrates that they clearly understand that and will give it a shot while they can.

The defense that the new Rockets lineup can put together is friggin' awesome. Awesome, I say. The Rockets now have two of the most versatile and skilled defenders in the league at the forward spots in Artest and Shane Battier, and McGrady is not bad either. Rafer Alston tries hard, even if he doesn't really know what he's doing, and Yao Ming intimidates you just by being there. Off the bench, the Rockets boast more good defensive forwards in Mike Harris, Carl Landry and Joey Dorsey (maybe), while Luther Head doesn't do all that badly defending players that are often bigger than him. The Rockets also boast an underrated defensive head coach in Rick Adelman.

Offensively, the Rockets still have questions. The guards either can't shoot, or don't know when they're supposed to (that's you again, Rafer. Not you, Brent Barry and Luther Head), and while the Rockets continue to look for shooters, the only player consistently able to create shots for others is McGrady. However, Artest will help the Rockets on the offensive end too, even though he has absolutely no concept of offensive continuity.

It's not too bad for the Kings, either. Not going anywhere fast, they've managed to get a promising young player, a draft pick, and an expiring contract that doesn't interfere with their salary situation. Greene may be the worst chucker in the history of professional basketball, but he has offensive skills, and maybe one day he'll either learn to shoot like Kobe Bryant (which would somewhat justify his shot selection), or realise that he can't and stop trying to. They can also pretend that Bobby Jackson wil play like he did during his first stint in Sacramento. And they might even get Ewing and Singletary back.

I think we've found a trade that makes sense, you know.

Things We Should Totally Petition For, number 1

The Sacramento Kings are cultivating an annual tradition of frittering away their MLE. Since John Salmons, it's all gone Pete Tong. After last year using it to sign Mikki Moore for what will probably only be for two years - a move which will keep them entirely uncompetitive for that time - they've one-upped themsleves by throwing a full 5 year deal to last year's point guard starter, Beno Udrih. Last year was Beno's fourth in the NBA, and unlike the first three that he spent with the San Antonio Spurs, he didn't suck in it. So that helps to justify matters, ever so slightly.

(Readers note: If you can't see why it isn't necessarily a good idea to be committing 5 years of big salary to a guy who has only played one good year in his career, a good year that coincidentally happened to be the year that the money was about to dry up, then you weren't watching the Darius Miles experience particularly intently. But then again, maybe Beno really did genuinely break out, as he sure as hell looked a lot better last year. Then again, now that he's earning $33 million, he'll have to.)

Hopefully, though, this isn't the end of the Kings point guard search. After drafting Sean Singletary in the second round, the Kings now have two actual point guards, even if they aren't very good. They can also pretend, sort of, that wing players Salmons, Francisco Garcia and Q-Doub are able to play point guard in an emergency.

But I think we would all rather see them bring back Jason Williams. Wouldn't you?

The Adelman era Kings of the early part of this decade are gone. Those awesome teams, full of depth, running, passing and choking, are no more. Vlade Divac is long gone. Doug Christie is short gone. So is Chris Webber. Mike Bibby now plays for Atlanta, and doesn't do so very well. Bobby Jackson keeps the Rockets bench warm, Keon Clark has a new favourite kind of court, and Peja Stojakovic is on the Hornets, being paid way, way, way too much. The only players to still be any good are Brad Miller - who is also the only remaining Kings player - and Hedo Turkoglu, who just surprised the hell out of us all by winning the MIP award.

Signing White Chocolate isn't going to bring back the glory days, partly because everyone else has left, and partly because Jason Williams isn't very good any more. And yet...you know what? Maybe there's a second wind in there somewhere. Hobbled as he appeared to be in Miami, Williams also looked somewhat bored and misused, being primarily used as a defender and spot-up shooter, two things he was never much good at. The knees also don't look good, and Williams is also about to turn 33. But even if they lose the ability to do much with it, it's very far-fetched for a player to just entirely lose their understanding of passing angles, and despite Williams' steady career-long metamorphosis into a controlled, sensible point guard, he could still push the ball if he had people to run with him. (Note: that last point is entirely speculative.)

The Kings can offer this. Kevin Martin can run. Salmons can run. Mikki Moore can really run. Udrih doesn't milk shot clocks too much. Garcia did a surprisingly successful Stojakovic impression last year. Patrick Ewing Jr thrives when running, so I'm told. Same with Jason Thompson, apparently. Brad Miller doesn't move too good, but his quality passing skills can help out. Shareef Abdur-Rahim and Kenny Thomas will be about as much use as a chocolate teapot, but then, aren't they anyway?

Let's make it happen. They have a Bi Annual Exception - use it on Jason Williams. The Kings are pencilled in for another season of mediocrity, looking likely to win about 35 games once again. They probably won't make the playoffs, and if they do, they won't get anywhere. They're also too good to accidentally lose, and it would take a decimation of their rotation to make them try and do it on purpose.

So why not have a little fun with it?