Where Are They Now, 2010; Part 9

- Michael Bramos

After going undrafted out of Miami Ohio, Bramos played for the Pistons in summer league, and played pretty well. He then used his Greek heritage and Greek passport to go to Greece, where he is signed with Peristeri. Unfortunately, his first professional season is not going well. Bramos averages only 5.1 points, 1.7 rebounds, 1.1 assists and 2.7 fouls in 21 minutes per game, shooting 34% from the field. As was documented here, Peristeri have had some turnover with their imports this year, and it doesn't help that those documented two haven't played well either. But more on that later.



- J.R. Bremer

Earl is in Russia this year, played for Samara. He's averaging 11.8 points, 5.8 and 3.1 rebounds per game in the Russian league, alongside 4.8 points, 6.3 rebounds and 3.3 rebounds per game in the EuroChallenge. However, he hasn't brought his jumpshot with him to Russia; Bremer is shooting only 30% from three in the Russian league, and only 12% in the EuroChallenge, which explains his very low scoring output there. Did you realise it was 7 years ago that he was a starter for the Celtics? Me neither. Makes a man feel old.

J.R. Bremer fact: J.R. Bremer has a Bosnian passport. Is he actually Bosnian? No. Does he have any Bosnian heritage? No. Has he ever been there before? Actually, yes; Bremer played in Sarajevo for three months in early 2007, and won the Bosnian regular season title. Apparently that was enough.

For a longer list of player's nationalities, including the weird ones, visit this page.



- Jamison Brewer

After two years out of the game, Brewer has returned to play professionally in Brazil. As far as I can tell, Brewer has played 1 game for his team Pinheiros, totalling 30 minutes, 17 points, 4 rebounds, 1 assist, 0 tocos, 0 enterradas and 2 errors. I'm guessing those latter three mean steals, blocks and turnovers. God bless Google translate.

If Jamison Brewer, Jamison Brewer's agent, Jamison Brewer's representatives or Jamison Brewer's family members are reading this, please contact me by email, because someone wants me to help them return some personal artefacts to him.



- Tierre Brown

Tierre Brown is unsigned, and last played in January when he was playing for the Anaheim Arsenal. Brown was averaging 15.8 points, 5.2 assists and 3.7 turnovers per game for Anaheim, shooting 53% from the field and 20% from three point range, before The Arse waived him due to injury. He hasn't been heard from since.



- P.J. Brown

P.J. Brown is retired. Properly, this time.

P.J. Brown fact: P.J. Brown finished ahead of Kobe Bryant in the MVP voting in the 2004-05 season. That was the season that Kobe Bryant shared a backcourt with Tierre Brown. Kobe averaged 28/6/6 that year and didn't receive a single MVP vote; no one felt he was one of the most five valuable players in the league that year. Yet someone felt that P.J. Brown and Shawn Marion were. All right.



- Kedrick Brown

Brown was out of the game for the best part of three years between 2004 and 2007, but spent the last two years before this one in the D-League with the Anaheim Arsenal. Last year he averaged 17.9 points, 6.7 rebounds and 2.7 assists, and this year he's moved to Turkey to play for Bornova. He is averaging 16.9 points, 5.8 rebounds, 2.8 steals, 1.5 steals and 0.7 blocks per game, shooting 62% from two point range, 63% from the free throw line, and 29% from three point range. For some reason he's known as Albert Brown over there.



- Damone Brown

Like Tierre Brown, Damone Brown was in the D-League last year, but is not anywhere now. He started the season with the Reno Bighorns, the first player ever acquired by the expansion franchise, and averaged 15.8 points and 7.3 rebounds in 29 games for the team. However, he was released by the team in February after being arrested and charged with money laundering, after a safety deposit box that he was leasing was found to be being used to stash the proceeds of a local drug lord. Here's some kind of official document about his arrest. As I can find no evidence either way that he was acquitted, convicted, or anything of that nature, then I will assume that the case is still ongoing until proven otherwise.

Brown has not signed anywhere after being released, and while he did attend the Korean Basketball League's pre-draft camp in Vegas in the summer, he was not drafted by any Korean team.



- Denham Brown

Like T-Air and Damone above, Denham played in the D-League last season. He started the year with the Dakota Wizards but didn't do brilliantly, averaging 12.9 points, 3.8 rebounds and 2.8 assists in 31 minutes per game, but scoring only 103 points on 98 shots. He was then waived due to injury and reappeared three months later with the Iowa Energy, where he did a bit better, averaging 14.6 points and 4.9 rebounds in 30 minutes per game. He has not signed anywhere this season until this point, but this week he travelled to Venezuela to sign with a team called Marinos. The Venezuelan league does not start for another two months, however.



- Dee Brown

Brown is in Italy and he's having a strong year. On the season he is averaging 18.0 points, 4.9 assists, 2.7 rebounds and 1.6 steals in 30.4 minutes per game, for an Air Avellino team with a 7-5 record. Avellino tried out someone called Jimmy Bartolotta this October, a graduate of MIT who play in NCAA's Divison 3. This isn't related to Dee Brown, really, but it would have made an interesting story had it worked out. I can't think of anyone else who went from Division 3 straight to SerieA. Very very very few go from Divison 3 to the NBA, either.



- Elton Brown

Brown didn't have a good year last year. After tearing up the D-League in 2007-08, Brown signed with the Chicago Bulls for 2008 training camp, but then performed something awful in preseason and was released. (Not that it would have mattered; Darius Washington had an awesome preseason, yet he was waived too in favour of Michael Ruffin, who had missed all preseason with an ankle injury and who never played for the team.) Brown then went to Maccabi Tel-Aviv, yet he fell victim to the same regime change as Esteban Batista did, and barely played for the team. Things perked up at the end of the season when Brown joined up with Brose Baskets Bamberg in Germany, and he's still there, averaging 9.1 points and 5.6 rebounds this season.

Count The Germans; Two. In an eleven man rotation.



- Andre Brown

Andre Brown is in China, playing for the Zhejiang Wanma Cyclones. This season he is averaging the gaudy numbers of 28.5 points, 8.8 rebounds, 4.8 assists, 2.5 steals and 0.1 blocks in 33 minutes per game, shooting 49% from the field, 46% from three point range and 89% from the foul line.

Those numbers are about as un-Andre Brown as you can get. Those are the numbers of an elite small forward, and Andre Brown is a power forward. He's athletic, no doubt, but he's never been a shooter. Brown is athletic, no doubt, but he's never made a three pointer before this season. Not in the D-League, not in the NBA, not in Italy, not in Turkey, not in the Adriatic league, nor in college. And now suddenly he's 13-28 from there in 8 games.

Even more impressive is the foul shooting; historically, Brown has been a pretty freaking terrible free throw shooter. He never shot more than 55% in college, shoots 50% from there for his NBA career, is shooting 51% from there in his D-League career, shot 55% from there in Turkey last season, shot 40% from there in the Philippines in 2005....etc. Yet this season in China, he's sudden;y shooting 61-68. His free throw stats game by game read like this;

9-9
3-4
7-8
9-10
8-8
5-8
9-9
11-12

That couldn't be much more jarringly different to the rest of his professional career. Nor could the steals count (Brown has 21 in his 30 game D-League career, 14 in his 75 game D-League career, and grabbed all of 12 in Turkey last year, yet we're now expected to believe that he can grab 20 in 8 Chinese games) or the assists (36 all time in the D-League, 11 in the NBA, 7 in his senior season at DePaul, 14 his junior year, 16 in Turkey, etc). Somehow, we're supposed to buy that Brown has gone from an offensively inclined yet terribly bad shooting rebounding power forward, into a do-it-all small forward superstar, in less than the length of a domestic pig's gestation period.

There's only one conclusion to draw here; it's not actually Andre Brown, and someone's pulled the old bait and switch on an unknowing Zhejiang. Has to be. Either that, or Andre Brown just corrected all his flaws in one offseason aged 28 years old. This is pretty dumbfounding stuff.



- Keith Brumbaugh

Brumbaugh is spending a second season in the D-League. For the Sioux Falls Skyforce, he is averaging 14.9 points, 4.9 rebounds, 2.1 assists and 1.6 steals in 31 minutes per game, shooting 45% from the field and 32% from three point range. However, he's also turning it over 3.1 times a game in that time, and is still far from the finished article. The D-League is designed for players with potential that aren't the finished article, but Brumbaugh's window will shut soon if he's not careful, as he's already 24 years old. You can't have potential forever.




And now for the fail.

In searching for all that information, I found something I wish I had never found. One of the above mentioned players has a video of themselves online, walking around a room bragging about their genitalia, and then presenting said genitalia (in a excited state) to the camera lens. What makes it worse is that the player in question is wearing nothing but longjohns and a fishing hat.

I'm not going to republish the video, because this isn't TMZ. I'm telling you about it purely because a problem shared is a problem halved, and watching that video was truly problematic. But it's not material fit for this website. I would quite like to be thought of as a serious news source and intelligent analyst with a mild sense of humour, and not as a basketball version of perezhilton.com. This whole website is designed to be my CV, intending to prove the following facts to onlooking NBA people;

a) I am really, really, really, really really really reallyreallyreally ridiculously passionate about basketball.

b) This obsession has manifested itself into a finite understanding of the CBA and an expansive knowledge of several thousand basketball players around the club, particularly everyone relevant to the NBA landscape.

Because that's the dream job, really. To do what I do here, now, for a living; to be the guy in the back of the front office who knows a bit about everybody and will happily work 75 hour weeks doing the dirty work. That's what I want; that's why I do all this. It's all interspersed with pictures of funny moustaches and bad wordplay gags and things like that, but that's just to make it easier on the eye. The knowledge is what really matters, as is my desire to be taken seriously. [This would be a bad moment for you to stifle a giggle.] And the only way to do that is to commit fully to this website.

It is for that reason why Mr X's alarming moment of self-indulgence will not be reproduced here. I don't want the notoriety. Not THAT kind of notoriety, anyway.

However, the discovery of the video is still important, because it's pretty reckless of the player. Seriously. Think it through. I'm sitting here in my bedroom in rural middle class England, and without intending to, I've seen your penis. If I can do it by mistake, then anyone can. And if anyone can, that's could possibly have some serious repercussions on your basketball career. The video was clearly filmed with comic intent for the select viewing of your friends, but the internet is one big community whether we want it to be or not, and your control over who sees what is pretty minimal. This was proven by the fact that I found it, and all I was looking for was some interesting trivia. The video of you manipulating yourself in a fishing hat could possibly have absolutely no effect on your potential career, but it also may be hugely detrimental. Why take the chance? I'm not taking a chance on my future career by putting it here, and you shouldn't take a chance on your future career by putting your business online. We both stand to gain nothing but a cheap laugh. And cheap laughs are never worth it.

So, please. No more penises and fishing hats.

J.R. Smith sentenced to at least 30 days in jail

Associated Press via The Canadian Press: Nuggets guard J.R. Smith sentenced to jail after fatal car crash.

A judge sentenced Denver Nuggets guard J.R. Smith to 90 days in jail Tuesday night for causing an auto accident that killed his friend, though Smith will likely end up serving only 30.

Municipal Judge Debra J. Gelson suspended 60 days of the sentence providing Smith performs 500 hours of community service consisting of visiting sick children at hospitals.

As a Bulls fan, I can safely say that J.R. Smith is someone I've discussed a lot over the years. J.R. was included by the Hornets, somewhat needlessly, into the Tyson Chandler/P.J. Brown swap that pissed me off for a good few years. And from speaking to my fellow Bulls fans, I know that a lot of you miss J.R. Smith. He has crazy range, athleticism, potential (if not much sense) and a special shot making ability. It would be easier to stomach his loss had the best returning player for him not been Aaron Gray. (The players were; JamesOn Curry, who never played a game for the Bulls; the unguaranteed contract of Howard Eisley, who also never played for the Bulls; and Aaron Gray, who needn't have.)

Scott Skiles didn't even take one look at Smith before deciding he wouldn't tolerate him. Smith never reported to the Bulls, and John Paxson tried to turn him around straight away. The Bulls couldn't get a first round pick for him, though, and instead settled on Eisley and the two second rounders .(They later waived Eisley and used the money opened up to sign Adrian Griffin. Yippeeeeeeee.)

Perhaps we needn't miss him too much, though. In his time with Denver, Smith has been charged with assault, disturbing the peace and destruction of property, had his drivers license suspended three times (all three of which came after the fail accident detailed here, amazingly), crashed teammate Carmelo Anthony's car, and has now seen his troubles culminate in this jail sentence.

In this incident, Smith was charged with of improper passing, failure to stop at a stop sign, reckless driving, speeding and failure to wear a seat belt, but mercifully not of vehicular homicide. He also failed to appear in court for his first hearing back in January, drawing a further fine.

That list of bad times also does not include consistent affronts with his coach, George Karl, whose tolerance for Smith's erratic play and mild entitlement is varied at best. Smith has been suspended twice for a combined 13 games, and benched numerous times on top of that. He has never managed to avoid trouble. Seemingly, he's never really tried to.

And he is, after all, just a backup shooting guard.

Still, it's not all bad news; Smith played sufficient minutes last season to earn himself a $600,000 bonus on his contract for next season. So, at the very worst, it's swings and roundabouts.

Players Whose Names Aren't (Or Weren't) Really Their Names

This isn't especially interesting, and definitely isn't important, but it's something I've noticed a lot over the years of doing this. A lot of NBA players's first names we know them aren't really their first names. Some are abridgements, some are nicknames, some are misnomers that are so widespread that they're kind of stuck, and some are just non-sensical.

Here's a list of examples of that which pertain to this website.

- Tariq Abdul-Wahad: known as Olivier Saint-Jean before converting to Islam.

- Shareef Abdur-Rahim: Shareef is his middle name. First name Julius.

- Kenny Adeleke: his Facebook name is Kehnide, if nothing else.

- Deji Akindele: full name is either Ayodeji Joleel Akindele, or Jeleel Ayodeji Akindele. It's hard to tell.

- Blake Ahearn: Blake is his middle name, first name Daniel.

- Akin Akingbala: full name is Akinlolu Akinayi Akingbala, which is pretty spectacular.

- Ray Allen: full name is Walter Ray Allen. Bruce Willis's real first name is Walter, too. Walter seems to be a hated-on name. I quite like it. It reminds me of the fat guy from Micro Machines.

- Koko Archibong: real first name is Aniekan. Nickname origin unknown.

- Brandon Armstrong: his name is still Brandon, but his middle name is Simone, and I just wanted to bring that to your attention.

- Chucky Atkins: real name Kenneth. Nickname comes from his father, also called Kenneth, who was called Chucky while growing up for whatever reason.

- D.J. Augustin: nickname is an abbreviation of his real full name, Darryl Jerard Augustin.

- Larry Ayuso: real name Elias, as in the Sports Bureau. Nickname presumably originates from a desire to have an English name so that people too confused by the highly complicated nature of 'Elias' don't feel alienated. My Thai friend called herself 'Golf' for the same reason. We tried to tell her it wasn't a good idea, but she seemed fine with it.

- Marcus Banks: full name is Arthur Lemarcus Banks.

- Tony Battie: first name is actually Demetrius. "Antonio" is his middle name, hence the Tony.

- Rod Benson: not short for Rodney; full name is Rodrique Zsorryon Benson. Great name.

- Josh Boone: Josh is his middle name. His first name is Oscar, of all things.

- J.R. Bremer: real name Ernest. The J.R. comes from the fact that he's Ernest Jr.

- Kedrick Brown: Kedrick is his middle name. First name Albert.

- P.J. Brown: real name Collier. The P.J. stands for "peanut butter and jelly", his favourite food as a child. How wonderful. Cue bananas.

- Dee Brown (the Illinois one): real name Daniel. Given all the confusion with the other Dee Brown, maybe he could have changed back for our sakes.

- Rashid Byrd: used to be known as Rashid Hardwick; changed it in 2005. Don't know why.

- Mario Chalmers: Full first name is Almario.

- Keon Clark: Keon is his middle name. First name Arian.

- Speedy Claxton: real name Craig. Named Speedy because he is (or was) really fast. And not because he likes methamphetamines.

- Mardy Collins: real name Maurice. Reason for change unknown.

- Jamal Crawford: Jamal is his middle name. First name Aaron.

- T.J. Cummings (giggidy): real name Robert. The T.J. stands for Terry Jr, for he is the son of Terry Cummings, although he's not a real Junior.

- Stephen Curry: Stephen is his middle name. First name Wardell.

- Dale Davis: real name Elliot Lydell Davis. I'm guessing that Dale is a corruption of Lydell.

- Glen Davis: Glen is his middle name. First name Ronald.

- Ricky Davis: same thing. First name Tyree.

- Luol Deng: used to be known as Michael when he lived in England.

- Ike Diogu: Ike is actually his name, so his inclusion here might be erroneous, but it's not short for Isaac. Instead, it's short for Ikechukwu Somtochukwu.

- Joey Dorsey: real name Richard, but has been known as Joey since infancy, after he bounced so much as a baby that he resembled a kangaroo.

- Chuck Eidson: real name Charles. Obvious, really.

- Daniel Ewing: Daniel is his middle name. First name George.

- Olu Famutimi: short for Olumuyiwa.

- Marcus Fizer: Marcus is but one of his middle names. First name Darnell.

- T.J. Ford: T.J. is short for Terrance Jerod.

- Reece Gaines: Reece is his middle name. First name Clifton.

- J.R. Giddens: full name Justin Ray Giddens.

- C.J. Giles: C.J. is short for Chester Jarell.

- Tony Gipson: full name is Nicholas Antonio Gipson, which can make him hard to find in Europe.

- Dion Glover: real name is Micaiah Diondae Glover. It would appear that he's not overwhelmed by the idea of having the most unique name in the world.

- Venson Hamilton: Venson is his middle name. Real first name is Shad.

- Tyler Hansbrough: Tyler is his middle name. First name Andrew.

- Penny Hardaway: first name is Anfernee [sic]. You probably know that one already.

- Junior Harrington: first name is Lorinza. Unsurprisingly, he's a junior, hence the name.

- Lucious Harris: Lucious is his name all right, but the internet seems to suggest that, in Harry S Truman fashion, his middle name is merely "H." Maybe. Like the gay one from Steps. (Note: this is probably not the case, but it would be better if it was.)

- Chuck Hayes: as you'd expect, his name is Charles.

- Gerald Henderson: real name is Jerome McKinley Henderson, same as his dad's. Both of them go by Gerald for reasons I don't know.

- Richard Hendrix: first name is Venard, like his dad. Richard is his middle name.

- J.J. Hickson: stands for James Jr.

- Othello Hunter: Othello is his middle name. His first name is Tegba. He may well be the only man in the world with that combination.

- D.J. Mbenga: his full name is Didier Ilunga-Mbenga. "DJ" comes from what "Didier" sounds like when you say it in his accent, and he normally goes without the Ilunga because we haven't got all day.

- Ken Johnson: short for Kenyata, not Kenneth.

- Trey Johnson: real name is Clinton Johnson III. Nickname presumably comes from him being a third.

- DeAndre Jordan: DeAndre is his middle name. First name Hyland.

- Sasha Kaun: Sasha is short for Alexander.

- Tre' Kelley: real name is Alfrie. Since he's not a third, Tre' is presumably from his three point shooting. The apostrophe would appear to be his unnecessary unique slant on it.

- Kosta Koufos: Kosta is short for Konstantine.

- Keith Langford: Keith is his middle name. First name Andre.

- Tito Maddox: For those unaware, Tito is a reasonably common abbreviation of Theodore, Maddox's first name.

- Damir Markota: used to go by the surname Omerhodžić, but changed to Markota (his mother's maiden name) in 2004.

- Chet Mason: Chet is short for Chester, which you probably already knew.

- O.J. Mayo: O.J. stands for Ovinton J'Anthony. It would appear that he, too, is not sold on the idea of having the most unique name in the world.

- Scooter McFadgon: Scooter is a nickname. First name Cornelius. Brilliant.

- Pops Mensah-Bonsu: Full name is Nana Papa Yaw Mensah-Bonsu.

- C.J. Miles: Full name is Calvin Andrew Miles Jr, hence the C.J. (Calvin Junior).

- Mikki Moore: Real name is Clinton. Nickname comes from the fact that he was fat as a child (if you can believe that), and so he was so called after the fat kid, Little Mikey, from the Life Cereal commericals.

- B.J. Mullens: Can't seem to find out what the B.J. stands for. Can't seem to find out his birthday, either. He's an elusive little soul isn't he?

- Gabe Muoneke: Full name is Nnadubem Gabriel Enyinaya Muoneke. Gabriel abbreviates easier than Nnadubem does.

- Dikembe Mutombo: Full name is Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo.

- Nene: His name used to be Maybyner Hilario, but he went by the nickname "Nene", which meant "baby". Usually went by Nene Hilario in America. Eventually changed his name legally to just Nene.

- Moochie Norris: his name is Martyn. When he was a baby, his grandfather used to sing the Cab Calloway song "Minnie the Moocher" to him, his favourite song. It stuck.

- A.J. Ogilvy: A.J. stands for Andrew James.

- Emeka Okafor: full name is Chukwuemeka Ndubuisi Okafor.

- Bo Outlaw: real name is Charles. His mother nicknamed him Bo when he was little, but he doesn't know why.

- Zaza Pachulia: Zaza is a nickname. Real name Zaur.

- Smush Parker: Smush is a nickname, and it was also his dad's nickname. Don't know what it represents. Real name William.

- Tony Parker: Antonio is his middle name. First name is William.

- Sasha Pavlovic: As ever, Sasha is a nickname for Alexander (or, in this case, Aleksandar.)

- J.R. Pinnock: real name Danilo. The J.R. represents Junior, for he is a Junior, and he got bored of people who couldn't pronounce Danilo calling him "Danny". Tends to go by either or both names, depending on where you're looking.

- Carlos Powell: Name is really Ricardo Auturo Powell. Don't know where Carlos comes from.

- A.J. Price: A.J. stands for Anthony Jordan. His mum says that he wanted to name him after the two best basketball players ever, namely Michael Jordan and A.J.'s dad, Anthony Price. Hmmm. Think she might have missed out on a couple of candidates.

- Laron Profit: Laron is his middle name. First name Bronta. Not Loadsa, like it should be. Nor Maida. Or Turner. Or any other potential Profit pun.

- Shavlik Randolph: Shavlik is his middle name. First name Ronald.

- Theo Ratliff: Theo is short for Theophilius. Seemingly his parents chose to give him a name which allows for two possible shortening options. Pretty thoughtful.

- J.J. Redick: Full name is Jonathan Clay Redick. Was nicknamed "J" as a child, but he has twin sisters, and so when they both called him, it sounded like "J.J.", which then stuck. Luckily, they ended it there.

- J.R. Reynolds: Full name is James Richard Reynolds.

- Norm Richardson: Norm[an] is his middle name. First name Charles.

- Cheikh Samb: his often confusing name is, in full, Samb Cheikh Tidiane.

- Saer Sene: if you still call him this, it's time to change - his name is Mouhamed. Saer is his middle name, but he doesn't use it.

- Mustafa Shakur: Mustafa is in fact short for Mustafadden. He may just be the only person in the world with that name. Neither Google nor Facebook returns another.

- Tre Simmons: Real name Chester. Tre comes from the fact that he's Chester Simmons III.

- J.R. Smith: Real name Earl Smith III, suggesting once again that "J.R." is used to mean "Junior".

- Salim Stoudamire: Salim is his middle name. First name Charles.

- Amare Stoudemire: name is correctly spelt "Amar'e", but he didn't tell us this for six years. By this stage, I can't be arsed with it.

- D.J. Strawberry: stands for "Darryl Junior". Done so with (presumably) less affection than others who embrace their junior title, for they don't get on.

- Erick Strickland: short for "Demerick".

- Donell Taylor: him and his identical twin brother Ronell both go by their middle names, because they have the same first name - "Quence". Seems like an odd way of going about it.

- Hasheem Thabeet: his surname is Manka, but, after his father died, his took his middle name (and father's middle name) of "Thabit" and used that instead. But more phonetically typed.

- Etan Thomas: Etan is his middle name. First name Dedreck.

- P.J. Tucker: Full name Anthony Leon Tucker. P.J. stands for Pops Junior, becuase (you guessed it) he's a junior.

- Hedo Turkoglu: in the event that you didn't know, Hedo is short for Hidayet.

- Jake Voskuhl: Jacob is his middle name. First name Robert.

- Sasha Vujacic: see Pavlovic.

- Von Wafer: "Von" is an abridging of "Vakeaton," which is....a hell of a name.

- Judson Wallace: full name is Charles Judson Wallace. Seems to be called Judson by the NBA in every single instance, despite their own bio of him saying that he prefers C.J.. Often goes by Charles in European media, where they're very devoted to first names only. They even call Carlos Powell, Ricardo.

- C.J. Watson: full name is Charles Akeen Watson. And yes, he's a junior.

- Chris Webber: Christopher is one of his middle names. First name Mayce. He's a junior, but turned down MJ. Perhaps best.

- Sonny Weems: Real name Clarence Weems. He doesn't know why he's stuck with it, but it used to be his fathers nickname too.

- Bonzi Wells: Real name is Gawen DeAngelo Wells. His mum had cravings for Bonbons when pregnant with him, so his parents started calling him that, which eventually corrupted into Bonzi.

- D.J. White: Dewayne Junior.

That's all I got.


BIG NEWS: This website is, sort of, now on Twitter. All those basketball thoughts that I just couldn't be arsed to otherwise post can now be found here. Along with a lot of other pap.

Where Are They Now, 2009; Part 7

- Cedric Bozeman is playing for The Arse in the D-League, where he averages 17.9 points, 6.1 rebounds and 2.9 assists, where he plays the off-guard to Tierre Brown's point. (Brown averages 14.4 points and 4.6 assists.) But the best Cedric Bozeman news of all is that he is 22-51 from behind the three point line, for a 43% average. This isn't exactly a massive sample size to be working off, and it does come from the man who shot 21% on three pointers in Poland last season, but it may be a sign that Bozeman's jumpshot might not be too big of a weakness any more. With a decent jumpshot, Bozeman has a chance to be vaguely interesting to NBA teams. His first go around with the Atlanta Hawks wasn't pretty, as he shot 28% in 23 games and had a 1:1 assist/turnover ratio. But teams love their tall point guards, and even though Bozeman isn't playing point guard right now, he could. Any evidence of his development as a scorer can only help his case.

- Michael Bradley opted not to play this season. And maybe never again. Here's why.

- Shawn Bradley retired ages ago and, at last count, now works in a school.

- Torraye Braggs has played basically everywhere, and, until last week, was playing in Mexico with Pioneros de Quintana Roo-Cancun. Apparently he only plays on teams with awesome names, because before Pioneros de Quintana Roo-Cancun, Braggs was playing for a team in Jordan called, simply, "Orthodox". Before that, he played in Iran for Petrochimi Imam Harbour. Before that, it was ASK Riga in Latvia (less awesome, but a suitably random country), and before that came Maccabi Ironi Ramat Gan in Israel and the Qingdao Double Stars in China. If there's an insignifcant basketbal league featuring teams with great names, and the money isn't too bad, Torraye Braggs will find it.

- J.R. Bremer is playing for Triumph in Russia (them of the Nenad Krstic thing), where he averages 12.0 points, 4.2 rebounds and 3.8 assists. He also is now a Bosnian passport holder, something that he seemingly managed to obtain on the basis of the 5 games that he played for Bosna Sarajevo last season. Does that seem a bit off to you? Yes, me too. But, crucially for Bremer, that passport makes it easier for him to be signed in Europe, as it allows him to be technically a European, thus facilitating his move into any league with a maximum number of Americans policy. And Bremer at least actually plays for the Bosnian national team. But, five games? Seriously? Can someone please have some shame about this?

- Last time we checked in with Jamison Rudy Van Brewer, he was out of basketball. Guess what? He still is.

- Primoz Brezec averages 9.9 points and a piddly 3.5 rebounds for Lottomatica Roma. More importantly, he has got rid of the effeminate curtains.

- I've already spoilt any suspense that you may have been looking for regarding the whereabouts Tierre Brown. Sorry about that.

- P.J. Brown says he has retired. Again. Do you believe him? This time, yes I do.

- Kedrick Brown started this season with a brief stint in China, before returning to the D-League. Like basically everyone else in this post, Brown plays for The Arse, where he averages 9.6 points and 4.8 rebounds in only 5 games.

- Damone Brown is back in the D-League, still trying to make the NBA once again. Playing for a poor Reno Bighorns team (giggidy), Brown averages 16.6 points, 8.0 rebounds, and a rather high 4.3 fouls.

- Finally, Denham Brown started this season by not bothering to show up for Canada's training camp, before joining Dakota in the D-League. Brown was then waived in December due to injury. No, Toronto Raptors fans, you are not about to sign him.

Insert Intricate Wordplay

In the unlikely event that you hadn't noticed, defense wins championships.

In the 6 games of this NBA Finals series, the Celtics ran about 2 perimeter isolation plays, not including ones at the end of quarters. They didn't need to run any. The offense took care of itself from running only the simplest stuff. All they had to do was push the ball off of Laker misses and turnovers, occasionally post up Kevin Garnett, have the shooters run to the wings on the break, and keep setting screens. As well as let Ray Allen shoot open threes.

The defense is what won it. (By the way, I feel like I'm telling you what you already know with this post, but oh well. I feel obliged to write something amateur. I'd speculate about why Jackson left Lamar Odom in, but I can't be bothered.) L.A.'s offense was contained with relative ease. The only times the Lakers could get the ball in the paint in the last three games were on entry passes to Pau Gasol, and Pau's options from there were limited to the extra-pass, the re-feed, or staggering to the rim like a drunk pre-teen girl looking for some balls to fumble. They became nothing more than a turnover, a shot clock waster, and a back rimmer respectively (giggidy) as Boston routinely denied the Lakers every option possible from their multi option playbook.

Kobe Bryant could not get to the rim. The best player on the planet at contorting his body and knifing his way through holes that the defense did not know they that had left, suddenly found a defense that hadn't left any. All but a handful of Bryant's points came from contested jumpshots, a resource which dries up eventually, no matter how good you are at plundering it. Whenever the Lakers attempted to make the skip, extra or entry passes that Boston made so routinely, a turnover ensued, as a Celtic defender always managed to get a hand in the way. Not a single thing came easy. And that's how it should be. The Lakers defense had no such boast. Instead, they had Vladimir Radmanovic.

Boston wins the NBA title while starting a point guard who passes up layups, a centre whose shooting range is as long as his right forearm, and a primary backup big who can't get his layups above rim height. Three of their top seven players can be doubled off of. And they won anyway.

This is the mock-up with which to style your team, even if Danny Ainge's methodology in doing so was decidedly fucked up. Get yourselves some athletes, who know the meaning of defensive rotation. Then teach them how to make jumpshots like Ray Allen.

Congratulations to the Celtics on the most bipolar 24 months in NBA history. It's nice to see you finally get rewarded after being such a historically barren franchise. I will now ooze maximum resentment towards a team that I don't especially like, but one that I respect highly, and whom thoroughly deserve the crown of the best team in the NBA. Contrived celebrations all around.



Alternative post: 39 POINTS??? 39 POINTS?????

39 POINTS?????

You shitting me?

Now someone quickly Youtube Garnett's "interview" with Michelle Tafoya. God invented the internet for this reason.

Highlight of game 4

Coming back from commercials to start the fourth quarter, ESPN ran a Doc Rivers Totally Enthused Moments Montage. Firstly, to his team in a timeout:

"We got to keep fighting! We GOT to keep fighting!"

Secondly, to his team in a post-timeout huddle:

"Do you belieeeeeveeee???"

Thirdly, while smacking Kevin Garnett on the arse as he is subbed out of the game:

"Never stop believing, baby."

---

Immediately following this montage, ESPN cut to Michelle Tafoya interviewing Phil Jackson. The following slightly paraphrased exchange ensued, with Jackson using strangely slurred speech.

Tafoya: What happened back there in the third quarter?
Jackson: I don't know, what happened?

........

Tayofa: What did you do wrong in the third quarter, and what will you change to start the fourth?
Jackson: It was just momentum.

........

Tafoya: Do you think you can come back?
Jackson: It's momentum. It will change.

Strange times.

Jackson was wrong. It didn't change. You could argue that he handled the interview in a way that defines his calm, unflustered, and extremely experienced nature in situations such as this. But all it did was ooze complacency. And, as Detroit Pistons will tell you, complacency loses.

Say what you like about Doc Rivers as a coach. He has his flaws, and Bill Simmons will happily document them for you. But that clichéd motivational shit worked.


Other highlights include: Sam Cassell's contuned decline towards borderline insanity, P.J. Brown's airball/poster dunk dichotomy, everything Kobe Bryant did, the spectacularly bad fourth quarter play of Pau Gasol, and me feeling slightly vindicated about my earlier opinions on Trevor Ariza just to then watch as Jackson didn't go back to him in the fourth quarter.

Go Lakers.....maybe.

30 teams in 36 or so days: Chicago

Chicago

Players acquired via free agency or trade:

Joe Smith (2 years, $10 million)




Players acquired via draft:

First round: Joakim Noah (9th overall)
Second round: Aaron Gray (49th overall), JamesOn Curry (51st overall)



Players retained:

Andres Nocioni (re-signed, 6 years, $45 million)



Players departed:

Malik Allen (signed with New Jersey), Michael Sweetney (left unrestricted, unsigned), P.J. Brown (unsigned), Andre Barrett (made restricted, unsigned, may yet return), Martynas Andriuskevicius (left unrestricted, signed in Spain)





Bobbins:

(The following entry may well be written with a small hint of bias. Or, alternately, it may be written with huge seething dollops of it. I'm a Bulls fan, just so's you know.)

Has anybody ever told you that you need a dominant post scorer to win a title? If not, then you're not a Bulls fan. Since the dawn of time (or since the Eddy Curry trade, whichever), this edict has been hurled at Bulls fans and management alike by people of all races, creeds and IQ levels, and never more so than in the immediate aftermath of the Pau Gasol trade-that-never-was at the last trade deadline. Forget the fact that Detroit managed this supposedly impossible feat just three years ago: these people remain steadfast in their opinion. And why shouldn't they? People say it on the TV, after all, so it must be true.

After General Manager John Paxson did not pull the trigger on a deal for Gasol due to the excessive demands of Grizzlies GM Jerry West and the continued breakout of Luol Deng, talk of the Bulls need for a 'dominant' post scorer continued. "Experts" then shifted their attention to Kevin Garnett, ignoring for a moment the fact that such a move was never realistically possible due to the Bulls salary cap position. After that avenue also passed the Bulls by, people rolled their eyes, and widely discredited the Bulls offseason as something of a wash, given the lack of a big trade.

What seems to be overlooked, though, is that having a post up, back-to-the-basket scorer isn't nearly as important as having big men that can make shots. By that, I mean having big men that can hit shots from close in and mid range (or from further outside of possible). For example, in their championship seasons and ones subsequent, Detroit didn't have a dominant post scorer. They had an inside scoring weapon with Rasheed Wallace's fallaway from the post, but that accounted for about 6 points a game. What they did have was three offensively capable big men in Rasheed, Corliss Williamson and Mehmet Okur, who, despite being primarily face-up scorers, were scorers nonetheless, and whom could finish easy shots inside, even if they didn't create much down low. Additionally, the team with the most wins in the NBA last year (Dallas) does not have a post up scorer. They have a big man who is an elite scorer in Dirk Nowitzki, but that's a different thing altogether. (Note - I know they lost in the first round. But that's not why. They lost because they choked.)

In contrast, the Bulls last year had a slew of offensively inept big men. Their man options on that end where either the 41% shooting of reserve Malik Allen, who could only score via the pick and pop jumpshot, or P.J. Brown who had exactly the same issues going on. Failing that, they had either the amazing inconsistency of Michael Sweetney to turn to, or they could give shots to Tyrus Thomas, who could not consistently hit anything outside of dunks all year. And let's not mention Ben Wallace here, because we know what he's like. The Bulls hotchpotch of big men featured no one who could consistently make a layup and, apart from two decent mid-range shooters with nothing further to add, their big man offense constituted a whole lot of nothing. That is, unless you wish to include 6'7 outside shooter Andres Nocioni into the discussion. And that's hardly nullifying the issue right hurr.

But Chicago still did not need a post-up, slow-the-game-down interior scorer. If they could realistically obtain one for a decent price, then it would have been a move worth doing, as long as that player was not Zach Randolph (but hey, there'll be more on him in the Knicks post at a later date). However, they could not. And obtaining a second or third tier one such as Al Harrington or Shareef Abdur-Rahim just really was not bloody worth it.

What they needed was big men who could score the easy shots offered up within the flow, not get blocked by the rim, men who could break a zone defense, and who the guards could trust to pass to without their ears pricking up in anticipation of imminent danger.

Did they achieve this?

Well, not really. Not yet, anyway.

The Bulls did noticably upgrade their big men, though. Replacing the big bag of shite that was the holy foursome of Brown, Sweetney, Allen and Martynas Andriuskevicius was hard to do without upgrading, and therefore upgrade they did. Joakim Noah was drafted in the first round, a player who isn't particularly consistent offensively and who was drafted in front of Spencer Hawes (a superior interior scorer), but who was drafted there due to his superior all around game, which is something of a mantra for the Bulls. Joe Smith replaces the role P.J. Brown held last year, jigging around the mid range area looking for some jumpshots to clank, but who will do so with two added bonuses not previous brought by Brown: Smith is not completely immobile, and can get his layups above the rim. Aaron Gray offers very little offense, but you've never seen a man set backscreens better, And nobody replaces the spot once held by Andriuskevicius, so that's a net positive.

Additionally, another need was addressed with the drafting and signing of Jim Bob Curry. Behind the starters, the Bulls guards lacked offense and outside scoring. Every team needs a token chucker (see The Bench Player Handbook for more on that), and Curry provides Chicago with such a player. He won't play much, but if he does, he could help.

That, aside from re-signing Nocioni to a marginally oversized deal (but one necessarily so due to an alarming amount of open market interest: namely, one team, Memphis), was all that Chicago did. It's all that needed doing, really. Apart from signing Devin Brown, of course.




Next season:

While the Bulls changed basically all of their big man rotation, none of those players brought in are exceptional scorers. Joe Smith is a decent scorer, and Noah will be reasonably efficient in what few shots he takes. But while they have improved on the weakness of the previous season, it's not by a large amount. They still don't have a particularly adept group of offensive big men, and they didn't improve their wing players any. Then again, they didn't need to.

Improvement in this area has to come from within, namely from Tyrus Thomas, He, along with Ben Wallace, carries a load of the pressure in terms of how far the Bulls go this season. Both were inconsistent last season, Wallace due to a combination of nagging back/groin injuries and old age, and Thomas due to rookie rawness. Yet on the occasions that they played decent minutes together, the makings of a decent pairing were formed. Both are good passers and dribblers of the ball, fine rebounders and exceptional shotblockers, and the duo's versatility allows them to match up with any other frontcourt pairing out there - Wallace's strength and Thomas's speed being able to overcome any exaggeratedly-important height disparity. I may have made some words up there, but you get the idea.

The problem, though, was that neither could score well. And Thomas will have to be the one to correct that. It'd be more fun if it was Wallace that did, but......nah. I'm a gambling man, but I'm not taking those odds.

If Wallace is more consistent - or at least comparable to last year without any kind of gaping drop off - and if Thomas continues to develop his offensive game whist reining in the fouls, the duo has the ability to tip the Bulls fortunes over the top, in spite of neither being the mythical post up scorer that's apparently such a necessity. Chicago still retains their backcourt core to die for, with starters Hinrich, Gordon and Deng all still young and improving, and so it's the frontcourt that holds the key to the Bulls season.

Regardless, they're going to win the division. Blatantly. And then the East. And then the world. Maybe.