Players Whose Names Aren't (Or Weren't) Really Their Names

This isn't especially interesting, and definitely isn't important, but it's something I've noticed a lot over the years of doing this. A lot of NBA players's first names we know them aren't really their first names. Some are abridgements, some are nicknames, some are misnomers that are so widespread that they're kind of stuck, and some are just non-sensical.

Here's a list of examples of that which pertain to this website.

- Tariq Abdul-Wahad: known as Olivier Saint-Jean before converting to Islam.

- Shareef Abdur-Rahim: Shareef is his middle name. First name Julius.

- Kenny Adeleke: his Facebook name is Kehnide, if nothing else.

- Deji Akindele: full name is either Ayodeji Joleel Akindele, or Jeleel Ayodeji Akindele. It's hard to tell.

- Blake Ahearn: Blake is his middle name, first name Daniel.

- Akin Akingbala: full name is Akinlolu Akinayi Akingbala, which is pretty spectacular.

- Ray Allen: full name is Walter Ray Allen. Bruce Willis's real first name is Walter, too. Walter seems to be a hated-on name. I quite like it. It reminds me of the fat guy from Micro Machines.

- Koko Archibong: real first name is Aniekan. Nickname origin unknown.

- Brandon Armstrong: his name is still Brandon, but his middle name is Simone, and I just wanted to bring that to your attention.

- Chucky Atkins: real name Kenneth. Nickname comes from his father, also called Kenneth, who was called Chucky while growing up for whatever reason.

- D.J. Augustin: nickname is an abbreviation of his real full name, Darryl Jerard Augustin.

- Larry Ayuso: real name Elias, as in the Sports Bureau. Nickname presumably originates from a desire to have an English name so that people too confused by the highly complicated nature of 'Elias' don't feel alienated. My Thai friend called herself 'Golf' for the same reason. We tried to tell her it wasn't a good idea, but she seemed fine with it.

- Marcus Banks: full name is Arthur Lemarcus Banks.

- Tony Battie: first name is actually Demetrius. "Antonio" is his middle name, hence the Tony.

- Rod Benson: not short for Rodney; full name is Rodrique Zsorryon Benson. Great name.

- Josh Boone: Josh is his middle name. His first name is Oscar, of all things.

- J.R. Bremer: real name Ernest. The J.R. comes from the fact that he's Ernest Jr.

- Kedrick Brown: Kedrick is his middle name. First name Albert.

- P.J. Brown: real name Collier. The P.J. stands for "peanut butter and jelly", his favourite food as a child. How wonderful. Cue bananas.

- Dee Brown (the Illinois one): real name Daniel. Given all the confusion with the other Dee Brown, maybe he could have changed back for our sakes.

- Rashid Byrd: used to be known as Rashid Hardwick; changed it in 2005. Don't know why.

- Mario Chalmers: Full first name is Almario.

- Keon Clark: Keon is his middle name. First name Arian.

- Speedy Claxton: real name Craig. Named Speedy because he is (or was) really fast. And not because he likes methamphetamines.

- Mardy Collins: real name Maurice. Reason for change unknown.

- Jamal Crawford: Jamal is his middle name. First name Aaron.

- T.J. Cummings (giggidy): real name Robert. The T.J. stands for Terry Jr, for he is the son of Terry Cummings, although he's not a real Junior.

- Stephen Curry: Stephen is his middle name. First name Wardell.

- Dale Davis: real name Elliot Lydell Davis. I'm guessing that Dale is a corruption of Lydell.

- Glen Davis: Glen is his middle name. First name Ronald.

- Ricky Davis: same thing. First name Tyree.

- Luol Deng: used to be known as Michael when he lived in England.

- Ike Diogu: Ike is actually his name, so his inclusion here might be erroneous, but it's not short for Isaac. Instead, it's short for Ikechukwu Somtochukwu.

- Joey Dorsey: real name Richard, but has been known as Joey since infancy, after he bounced so much as a baby that he resembled a kangaroo.

- Chuck Eidson: real name Charles. Obvious, really.

- Daniel Ewing: Daniel is his middle name. First name George.

- Olu Famutimi: short for Olumuyiwa.

- Marcus Fizer: Marcus is but one of his middle names. First name Darnell.

- T.J. Ford: T.J. is short for Terrance Jerod.

- Reece Gaines: Reece is his middle name. First name Clifton.

- J.R. Giddens: full name Justin Ray Giddens.

- C.J. Giles: C.J. is short for Chester Jarell.

- Tony Gipson: full name is Nicholas Antonio Gipson, which can make him hard to find in Europe.

- Dion Glover: real name is Micaiah Diondae Glover. It would appear that he's not overwhelmed by the idea of having the most unique name in the world.

- Venson Hamilton: Venson is his middle name. Real first name is Shad.

- Tyler Hansbrough: Tyler is his middle name. First name Andrew.

- Penny Hardaway: first name is Anfernee [sic]. You probably know that one already.

- Junior Harrington: first name is Lorinza. Unsurprisingly, he's a junior, hence the name.

- Lucious Harris: Lucious is his name all right, but the internet seems to suggest that, in Harry S Truman fashion, his middle name is merely "H." Maybe. Like the gay one from Steps. (Note: this is probably not the case, but it would be better if it was.)

- Chuck Hayes: as you'd expect, his name is Charles.

- Gerald Henderson: real name is Jerome McKinley Henderson, same as his dad's. Both of them go by Gerald for reasons I don't know.

- Richard Hendrix: first name is Venard, like his dad. Richard is his middle name.

- J.J. Hickson: stands for James Jr.

- Othello Hunter: Othello is his middle name. His first name is Tegba. He may well be the only man in the world with that combination.

- D.J. Mbenga: his full name is Didier Ilunga-Mbenga. "DJ" comes from what "Didier" sounds like when you say it in his accent, and he normally goes without the Ilunga because we haven't got all day.

- Ken Johnson: short for Kenyata, not Kenneth.

- Trey Johnson: real name is Clinton Johnson III. Nickname presumably comes from him being a third.

- DeAndre Jordan: DeAndre is his middle name. First name Hyland.

- Sasha Kaun: Sasha is short for Alexander.

- Tre' Kelley: real name is Alfrie. Since he's not a third, Tre' is presumably from his three point shooting. The apostrophe would appear to be his unnecessary unique slant on it.

- Kosta Koufos: Kosta is short for Konstantine.

- Keith Langford: Keith is his middle name. First name Andre.

- Tito Maddox: For those unaware, Tito is a reasonably common abbreviation of Theodore, Maddox's first name.

- Damir Markota: used to go by the surname Omerhodžić, but changed to Markota (his mother's maiden name) in 2004.

- Chet Mason: Chet is short for Chester, which you probably already knew.

- O.J. Mayo: O.J. stands for Ovinton J'Anthony. It would appear that he, too, is not sold on the idea of having the most unique name in the world.

- Scooter McFadgon: Scooter is a nickname. First name Cornelius. Brilliant.

- Pops Mensah-Bonsu: Full name is Nana Papa Yaw Mensah-Bonsu.

- C.J. Miles: Full name is Calvin Andrew Miles Jr, hence the C.J. (Calvin Junior).

- Mikki Moore: Real name is Clinton. Nickname comes from the fact that he was fat as a child (if you can believe that), and so he was so called after the fat kid, Little Mikey, from the Life Cereal commericals.

- B.J. Mullens: Can't seem to find out what the B.J. stands for. Can't seem to find out his birthday, either. He's an elusive little soul isn't he?

- Gabe Muoneke: Full name is Nnadubem Gabriel Enyinaya Muoneke. Gabriel abbreviates easier than Nnadubem does.

- Dikembe Mutombo: Full name is Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo.

- Nene: His name used to be Maybyner Hilario, but he went by the nickname "Nene", which meant "baby". Usually went by Nene Hilario in America. Eventually changed his name legally to just Nene.

- Moochie Norris: his name is Martyn. When he was a baby, his grandfather used to sing the Cab Calloway song "Minnie the Moocher" to him, his favourite song. It stuck.

- A.J. Ogilvy: A.J. stands for Andrew James.

- Emeka Okafor: full name is Chukwuemeka Ndubuisi Okafor.

- Bo Outlaw: real name is Charles. His mother nicknamed him Bo when he was little, but he doesn't know why.

- Zaza Pachulia: Zaza is a nickname. Real name Zaur.

- Smush Parker: Smush is a nickname, and it was also his dad's nickname. Don't know what it represents. Real name William.

- Tony Parker: Antonio is his middle name. First name is William.

- Sasha Pavlovic: As ever, Sasha is a nickname for Alexander (or, in this case, Aleksandar.)

- J.R. Pinnock: real name Danilo. The J.R. represents Junior, for he is a Junior, and he got bored of people who couldn't pronounce Danilo calling him "Danny". Tends to go by either or both names, depending on where you're looking.

- Carlos Powell: Name is really Ricardo Auturo Powell. Don't know where Carlos comes from.

- A.J. Price: A.J. stands for Anthony Jordan. His mum says that he wanted to name him after the two best basketball players ever, namely Michael Jordan and A.J.'s dad, Anthony Price. Hmmm. Think she might have missed out on a couple of candidates.

- Laron Profit: Laron is his middle name. First name Bronta. Not Loadsa, like it should be. Nor Maida. Or Turner. Or any other potential Profit pun.

- Shavlik Randolph: Shavlik is his middle name. First name Ronald.

- Theo Ratliff: Theo is short for Theophilius. Seemingly his parents chose to give him a name which allows for two possible shortening options. Pretty thoughtful.

- J.J. Redick: Full name is Jonathan Clay Redick. Was nicknamed "J" as a child, but he has twin sisters, and so when they both called him, it sounded like "J.J.", which then stuck. Luckily, they ended it there.

- J.R. Reynolds: Full name is James Richard Reynolds.

- Norm Richardson: Norm[an] is his middle name. First name Charles.

- Cheikh Samb: his often confusing name is, in full, Samb Cheikh Tidiane.

- Saer Sene: if you still call him this, it's time to change - his name is Mouhamed. Saer is his middle name, but he doesn't use it.

- Mustafa Shakur: Mustafa is in fact short for Mustafadden. He may just be the only person in the world with that name. Neither Google nor Facebook returns another.

- Tre Simmons: Real name Chester. Tre comes from the fact that he's Chester Simmons III.

- J.R. Smith: Real name Earl Smith III, suggesting once again that "J.R." is used to mean "Junior".

- Salim Stoudamire: Salim is his middle name. First name Charles.

- Amare Stoudemire: name is correctly spelt "Amar'e", but he didn't tell us this for six years. By this stage, I can't be arsed with it.

- D.J. Strawberry: stands for "Darryl Junior". Done so with (presumably) less affection than others who embrace their junior title, for they don't get on.

- Erick Strickland: short for "Demerick".

- Donell Taylor: him and his identical twin brother Ronell both go by their middle names, because they have the same first name - "Quence". Seems like an odd way of going about it.

- Hasheem Thabeet: his surname is Manka, but, after his father died, his took his middle name (and father's middle name) of "Thabit" and used that instead. But more phonetically typed.

- Etan Thomas: Etan is his middle name. First name Dedreck.

- P.J. Tucker: Full name Anthony Leon Tucker. P.J. stands for Pops Junior, becuase (you guessed it) he's a junior.

- Hedo Turkoglu: in the event that you didn't know, Hedo is short for Hidayet.

- Jake Voskuhl: Jacob is his middle name. First name Robert.

- Sasha Vujacic: see Pavlovic.

- Von Wafer: "Von" is an abridging of "Vakeaton," which is....a hell of a name.

- Judson Wallace: full name is Charles Judson Wallace. Seems to be called Judson by the NBA in every single instance, despite their own bio of him saying that he prefers C.J.. Often goes by Charles in European media, where they're very devoted to first names only. They even call Carlos Powell, Ricardo.

- C.J. Watson: full name is Charles Akeen Watson. And yes, he's a junior.

- Chris Webber: Christopher is one of his middle names. First name Mayce. He's a junior, but turned down MJ. Perhaps best.

- Sonny Weems: Real name Clarence Weems. He doesn't know why he's stuck with it, but it used to be his fathers nickname too.

- Bonzi Wells: Real name is Gawen DeAngelo Wells. His mum had cravings for Bonbons when pregnant with him, so his parents started calling him that, which eventually corrupted into Bonzi.

- D.J. White: Dewayne Junior.

That's all I got.


BIG NEWS: This website is, sort of, now on Twitter. All those basketball thoughts that I just couldn't be arsed to otherwise post can now be found here. Along with a lot of other pap.

Grizzlies sign Darius Miles

Grizzlies sign Darius Miles

Free agent forward Darius Miles arrived in Memphis early Saturday morning and signed a nonguaranteed contract with the Grizzlies following a physical examination.

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I'm hungry. Anybody in the position I'm in, and has been through what I've been through the past two years, if he's not hungry he shouldn't waste anybody's time," Miles said. "I'm hungry. I ain't quitting. I feel like I can still do this. I wouldn't even waste the Grizzlies' time if I felt like my career was over."

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"We got very good reports from Boston that he was really getting close to what he used to be," Griz coach Marc Iavaroni said.

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"We're taking a shot to see if he's a guy who can resurrect his career and help us," Griz general manager Chris Wallace said. "We need to find more veterans not just so much for leadership but for production on the court. We need guys who have been there a little bit."

Everyone's saying the right things, at least. And the Grizzlies do indeed need veterans, as well as just more talent. But the cynical side of me thinks they might have an ulterior motive.

The point of that whole draft day deal with Minnesota was not just to trade up to get O.J. Mayo, but also to create some cap space. With the contracts of Antoine Walker and G-Buck not guaranteed past this season, Memphis took on the extra year of Marko Jaric's salary in order to open up $6 million in cap space next summer, a saving afforded by moving the salaries of Mike Miller and Brian Cardinal for the two aforementioned unguaranteed deals. Mike Miller isn't the kind of player you gift away, but when doing so gets you a valuable trade-up and $6 million more in your already decent caproom, it's worth it. Memphis, along with Oklahoma City, will now have oodles of cap room to work with next summer, and even if free agents aren't big on the idea of signing there, Memphis will at least be able to pursue whoever they want.

The thing is, though, that Portland also figures to have cap room. Quite a bit of it, in fact. Even after Martell Webster's extension, it only takes the renouncements of insignificant players such as Ike Diogu, Channing Frye and Raef LaFrentz, plus the waivings of decent backups Steve Blake and Travis Outlaw (note: they're decent backups in an ideal world, if not currently), and Portland suddenly has 8 figures of cap room. General Manager Kevin Pritchard has spoken about how he's trying to trade LaFrentz's salary, which would scupper any cap room chances, but Outlaw and Blake signed deals with unguaranteed final seasons for this very reason: Portland has 2009 cap room aspirations, and always has.

Those cap room aspirations will be roundly buggered, though, if Darius Miles plays ten games with somebody else. If this happens, Miles's significant salary ($9 million each of the next two seasons) is put back on Portland's books, after it had initially been taken off due to Miles's medical retirement. However, playing ten games invalidates that medical retirement, and the salary would be on Portland's cap figure once again, making cap space an almost impossible (and entirely unworthwhile) aim.

(Reader's note: the ten games thing is not quite that simple, as I understand it, but that's the gist of it. Truth be told, I don't understand it especially well. There's something about an appeals process or something.)

Since they traded Javaris Crittenton to Washington, the Grizzlies have only 13 players under contract, and Hamed Haddadi is in the D-League. This leaves Antoine Walker on the active list, despite him having not played a minute all year, being out of shape (for a change) and being out of the team's plans. Therefore, the Grizzlies can easily leave Miles on the active list even for the ten games of his drug-related suspension. After that, he just needs ten games as a 10th man, and suddenly Memphis loses one of its few competitors in next year's free agency market. All for the $500,000-or-so cost of having Darius Miles around for 6 months.

And that's just a bargain.

Of course, maybe Im being overly cynical. It's happened before, many a time. Maybe they have only the best of intentions, and really think that Miles will provide a lot both on and off (HA!) the court for them. But somehow I doubt it.

Perhaps they should just admit it.

Dude. It's Zach Randolph.

ESPN: Knicks suggest dealing Randolph to Memphis

The Knicks have a trade proposal on the table with the Memphis Grizzlies that would see Darko Milicic and Marko Jaric dealt to New York in exchange for Zach Randolph.

OK, I get it. I do. I really do.

"Here, take Zach Randolph! Take this extremely talented player who just so happens to play at your weakest position! Nooooooo, we don't want anything back! You just take him!"

I get that. When your job is to improve your team, and you are offered a highly talented basketball player for essentially free, it's a tough one to turn down. And Zach Randolph really is highly talented.

But he's also Zach Randolph. And therein lies the problem.

For all of Zach's talents, his play has never been efficient, sensible, or highly profitable. Just by playing him, you lose an untold amount on defense, something which Randolph simply cannot do. And for all his versatility and skill as an offensive player, Zach has never had the sense or awareness to fit into an offense efficiently - Randolph is a career .465 shooter starting his offense from increasingly near the three point line, and with an intense aversion to passing. Bear in mind, this is a man once berated for selfishness by former teammate, Nick Van Exel. And Nick Van Exel knows a thing or two about selfishness.

The problem is exacerbated when looking at Memphis's other big men. Out of Hamed Haddadi, Hakim Warrick, Darrell Arthur, Marc Gasol and Antoine Walker, who represents a good pairing for Zach? Who is the weakside shotblocker to counteract Zach's complete failure in that area? There's a bit there, mainly coming from Gasol, but there's not much. Additionally, if Marc Gasol is to start at centre - and it looks like he has to - then how do you pair him and Randolph on offense? Pairing Randolph with a man who plays within 3 feet of the rim at all times (Eddy Curry) went painfully badly last season, so how much different will it be with Gasol? How does Zach fit?

Take a wider look at the roster, and the same applies. The Memphis roster is a symposium of good young talent and veterans that they're stuck with. In Rudy Gay and Orange Juice Mayonnaise (readers note: that joke wasn't funny, nor mine), the Grizzlies have two talented young scorers, and a roster rounded out with complimentary athleticism, defensive versatility and scoring talent. However, outside shooting remains a concern, and there remains a big hole at power forward. There's also a big rebounding hole on a team that was outrebounded by 2.9 boards a game last year, good for only 25th in the league.

Now Zach Randolph is a power forward all right, and he's constantly armed with a good rebounding rate. But if anyone expects him to come in and be primarily a rebounder, in the role that David Lee refused to fill, then they're either eternally optimistic, or privy to some blackmail that the rest of us aren't. No one has been able to convince Zach Randolph that his future lies in the post for a while now, and a year under the stewardship of Isiah Thomas is not good news for any player who struggles to understand their limitations.

The current reported trade talk sees Memphis giving New York nothing more than Marko Jaric and Darko Milicic. That is something, at least. Milicic is a player who has failed to pan out for three teams, and Marko is someone Memphis didn't want in the first place. The two players combine to earn $35,860,000 over the next three years, and they represent the two worst contracts that the Grizzlies have. (Readers note: Antoine Walker's contract is longer and bigger, but it's also fully unguaranteed beyond this year. And that's why Memphis wanted it in the first place. Same with Greg Buckner, sort of.) The next three years of Zach Randolph will pay him $48 million, and the cap hold for the first two years will be only a minor increase over what Darko and Marko currently take up. The only significant cap hit comes in the 2010/11 season, where Randolph will earn $17,333,333 to Jaric's $7,625,000, with Milicic already expired. But, as the Grizzlies have only 5 players under contract at that time, that isn't relevant of right now. The cost of obtaining Randolph is as low as it can be: two mostly insignificant bench players, who also have the franchise's two largest contracts.

But is that minimal price still too much for Zach Randolph?

It's a high risk move, clearly. But it's only a high reward move if the Zach Randolph of 2006/07 turns up, the one who put up a flawed but sexy 24 points and 10 rebounds a game. The one who wasn't as bad as usual on defense. The one who stayed largely in the post. The one who didn't complain too much. The one who was in the best shape of his life. The one who produced. To make this trade worthwhile, Memphis needs that Randolph back. But even after such a career best season, Portland were willing to trade him for nothing. Portland would rather pay Steve Francis $30 million to not turn up,rather than have even the good version of Randolph back. Warning sirens aplenty. If they get this Zach Randolph back, then they will be trading for the highest paid non-All Star of all time, and making a $48 million investment in a painful player with a painful contract and a temperamental history.

Risky. Too risky.

Will we ever see the better Randolph again? I don't know the answer, and I don't know about this trade. I get it, but......dude.

It's Zach Randolph.

Summer signings, round 19

The site went down for a few hours due to some problem with GoDaddy's Tomcat servers parsing information properly or some shit. The site's content was still there, but it just wouldn't let you see it. This problem has happened before, and by God, it'll happen again. That's what you get when you make cutbacks on running costs in order to be able to afford to run a website out of your own pocket without earning a single penny back in advertising revenue due to your carnal philanthropic desire to give the viewing public what they want. The tradeoff is occasional downtime. And run-on sentences.

Maybe one day we'll redesign the site in a new format, into one less archaic, more flexible and more reliable. Maybe we'll use a new URL. Maybe we'll use new automation and all that jazz. Maybe one day we'll have a focus group to plan all of this. Maybe all this has already happened. Who knows?

More importantly: Conway Twitty!!!! (And some signings news as well.)


- It has been announced that Demetris Nichols has re-signed with the Chicago Bulls. This news may have appeared on this site before. While I don't claim to have been the first to know this news, or to have tapped up Nichols himself or anything (giggidy), I'm still going to use it as some leverage for when I next need you to believe me on something. You are hereby forewarned.

- Devean George has agreed to sign with the Dallas Mavericks for the third time, after almost doing them a favour when he voided the first Jason Kidd trade back in February. It's also been announced that the Mavs don't plan on extending Kidd, which doesn't seem like a bad idea given how quickly Kidd's decline has become. However, the side effect of that is that the Mavericks are now in grave danger of having traded Devin Harris and two first round draft picks in what amounts to little more than a salary dump and Antoine Wright. That won't be pretty if it happens. Trading Kidd's mahoosive expiring at some point this year might not be a bad idea.

- Hey Bulls fans! Do you remember back when we had P.J. Brown's expiring contract, and were trying to use it as the main ingredient in a trade for Pau Gasol, but the deal was doomed to fail when outgoing Grizzlies General Manager Adam West decided that he wanted every decent young player in the Western world in exchange for Pau, rather than the salary savings offered up by Brown's contract? Do you remember how bitter we were when this didn't go down? Do you remember how much that bitterness was reaffirmed when, twelve months later, the Grizzlies changed their minds and traded Pau to the Lakers for what was, primarily, salary relief? Do you remember how we lambasted the Bulls' sexy General Manager John Paxson for not turning Brown's contract into at least someone useful? Do you remember how we particularly rued not trading for Donyell Marshall and Shareef Abdur-Rahim? Well, a quick update. Donyell was just waived by Oklahoma City with a year of his contract remaining, and he is basically done. Shareef is even more done - he has two (count 'em!) seasons remaining on his contract, coming off of a season in which he had 6 games, 10 points and 9 fouls total, and the cost of him not playing well will be $12.8 million over those two years. In hindsight, maybe now we can see why the Bulls were right not to deal P.J's expiring salary for any old shit, and were right to just let it expire and use the salary saving themselves. This rings particularly true when you consider how, right now, we're trying to tightrope the luxury tax while re-signing Ben Gordon. Food for thought there. (Also: the New Jersey Nets copped a lot of stick when they voided their agreement to trade for Shareef because of knee trouble found in his medical, despite Shareef having only missed I think one game the previous season with a knee problem. In hindsight....it looks like they were right.)

- From Donyell to Dorell: Dorell Wright re-signed with the Heat for a certain amount of money over a certain amount of years. For a few years now, Pat Riley and company have excitedly spoken excitedly about how excited they are about their new exciting athletic and exciting lineup, just to then resort to form and use old farts such as Alonzo Mourning, Antoine Walker and Jason Williams to win either the lottery or the NBA Championship. It was a cute act which got Smush Parker some guaranteed money. However, since most of the old guard has gone now, their vision of an athletic lineup is about to come to fruition, whether they like it or not. (Giggidy.) As things stand, the Heat's non-golfing front 9 are to be Mario Chalmers, Daequan Cook, Dwayne Wade, James Jones, Dorell Wright, Michael Beasley, Shawn Marion, Udonis Haslem and Mark Blount. Apart from Haslem and Blount, that's a lineup of all good jumpers, if not all good jumpshots. And even Blount moves pretty good for a centre. Deeper down the bench, there are yet more good atheltes to be found, with players such as Yakhouba Diawara, Marcus Banks, Joel Anthony and Stephane Lasme. The Heat have finally found an identity. Good for them.

- Speaking of the Heat and players and stuff, Earl Barron signed in Italy with Fortitudo Bologna. He wasn't young or athletic enough to fit in, I guess.

- JamesOn Curry didn't sign with Hapoel, but instead signed in France with Pau Orthez. The French league is never a particularly good place to sign if you want exposure, so I'll assume that the money's good.

- Luke Jackson is supposedly going to sign with the Blazers, and, for those who didn't know or care before now, Luke Jackson went to college at Oregon. So there's some ties there. Jackson's NBA up to now has sucked elephantitis testicles, but he's not entirely useless (or he wasn't, at least). It's getting harder and harder to say this after so many chances up until now, but maybe THIS is the time that Jackson finds his niche and is able to fashion out a career as a bench contributor. There's some ability in there, somewhere. Then again, if you saw him play for Miami last season, then you won't foresee such a breakout as being imminent. (Fun Luke Jackson fact: he's only played 724 minutes in his NBA career, and he's about to turn 27. But he did score 30 in a game once, despite only scoring 252 NBA points in his career. Fun fact. The downside of this - take away that one game, and Jackson is a career 33% shooter. Eep.)

- Petteri Koponen isn't going to sign with the Blazers this year, as he has signed with Virtus (not Fortitudo) Bologna instead. The contract is for four years, but has an NBA escape clause after each year. So he'll probably come over when Sergio Rodriguez buggers off. (I like Sergio Rodriguez. I think we all do. But he probably shouldn't have come straight away. Giggidy.)

- Theo Ratliff has re-signed with the Philadelphia 76ers, his former team of a few years ago. Theo will replicate the lynchpin role that Calvin Booth recently vacated, that of the crappy third string centre who'll only play when necessary, and who will block shots and foul with comparable frequency. It's a vital role for any team.

- Some bonus trivia for you here - former Pistons centre Ratko Varda is still alive and bricking, this week signing for Zalgiris in Lithuania (the only Lithuanian team that you've ever heard of.) Also, in even more bonus news, former lottery pick Sharone Wright is also still hanging about the world of professional basketball despite disappearing from these shores about 28 years ago. (And by "these shores", I mean the NBA.) Wright, whose NBA career was emphatically derailed by a serious car accident, has toiled away in the lower leagues of basketball since then, continuing to make a living. Now 35, he finds himself playing for the Eiffel Towers Den Bosch of the Netherlands league, where he's signed through to be an assistant coach for the next four years, and for whom he also still plays a bit. But I have no idea why there's a Dutch team called the Eiffel Towers. It's not like the Netherlands is short of its own cultural landmarks that can be used to flesh out their professional basketball club's names. Although admittedly the "Eiffel Towers" is a bit more romantic than the "Opium Dens". (Note to Dutch people: only joking! Lovely country. Nice people. Great accents. And those mid 90's Ajax teams were so legendary that I once wrote an English essay about them. And Arsenal goalkeeper David Seaman once signed my Ajax shirt. Both of those are true stories. Go Ajax. Go the Nedderlandsch. By the way, I've never actually been to the Hetherlands before, and am relying on the word of others for my opinion of the country's natural beauty. It's a bit like what I do with any opinions I have on O.J. Mayo.)


And now ladies and gentleman, Mr Conway Twitty.

Incest Is Best (Also titled: Sham's Draft Novel, Pt 1)

I have a confession to make. I have an addiction.

It took an intervention of sorts, but I am willing to admit it: I am addicted to the NBA. Even when it's boring. Even when it's corrupt. Even when my team sucks. Even though I'm in the wrong continent. Even when doing so is to the direct detriment of my sleep pattern and general health. I am addicted to suckling every molecule of informative fecal matter from the grand protuding arse of NBA factoids, garnering even the most boring information about these people that I'll never meet, who just so happen to play a sport that I love, despite my never having played a game of it. This isn't something I'm proud of. I'd definitely rather have a sex addiction, or a relatively sedate heroin problem. But, so be it.

Nothing is more indicative of the grip of my addiction than the annual NBA Draft. I make no secret of the fact that I don't know anything about the potential draftees. I do not get to watch NCAA games, and so I will not pretend to know about them, and formulate broad sweeping generalisations of these players based off of the opinions of others. No, that would just be silly. Instead, I prefer to typecast people based off of my first impressions, a fleeting couple of minutes to judge the worth of the person presented to us. Who doesn't love doing this? This is why, as a species, we go speed dating. We are all prone to prejudice based on appearance. Let's just learn to accept it and make sure that we take it out on sportsmen - the ultimate punching bag, serving only as an outsource for our prejudice, immune from retribution.

This year, I went for a slightly different approach. Instead of spending the evening before the draft starts smearing my body in the veritable bounty of rumours made public, Scrooge-McDucking it up amongst their unmeasurable riches, I decided to stay off of the internet until the draft started so that there'd be an element of suspense for me in an otherwise increasingly predictable experience. (The other reason for this is that I fell asleep.)

Added drama hit the ShamBulls household on this particular draft night, as an as-yet-undiagnosed internet problem has left us with an annoyingly slow DSL connection, which meant that I wouldn't be able to watch the draft online, or even listen to it. (You wouldn't believe the number of Americans who told me to "go to a bar or something", as their remedy for this crisis. Oh you silly, silly fools. If it were possible to watch the draft on a TV set, don't you think I'd start there?) So, to watch the draft, and to be able to write the following anti-climactic piece, desperate measures were called for.

As a result, I drove to my friend's house at 1am, let myself in, and watched the draft in her front room for 5 hours as she slept upstairs. Now THAT'S how you feed an addiction.

(I then sold her TV for crack.)

I finally got a stream working about 90 seconds before the Bulls made the first pick of the night, and it is from there that My Totally Boring Draft Diary begins. (Written in realtime, even though it isn't. Not sure why.)

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- The first shot I see is one of the Bulls "War Room", in which General Manager John Paxson can be seen sitting down, biting his nails, surrounded by a lot of anonymous men in anonymous suits. I have only four questions:

a) Why do we have to do this War Room tradition every year?
b) Why are we pretending that some intense last minute decision making is going on in there, when it's clearly a bunch of men in suits watching themselves on the telly, their minds made up hours ago?
c) Why do we only get the War Room for the team picking first, when clearly that's the ONE room in which nothing frantic is going to be happening?
d) What the hell is wrong with Vinny Del Negro's ears?



- Also, where is Steven A. Smith? He seems to have been bumped from the analysts panel, and regardless of how much or how little you think of Mark Jackson, you surely know that this Smith's removal is a good thing. Less of a good thing are Stu Scott's glasses, recently borrowed from Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon on what we can only assume was a lost bet. Which is pretty much how Maddon got them from Joe 90 in the first place.



- Pick 1: A few seconds after leaving the war room shot, Commissioner David Stern walks up to the podium - to more cheers than he got at the NBA Finals trophy presentation - and, sure enough, he announces that the Bulls take Derrick Rose first overall in a move that shocks literally no one. Instantly we are thrown back to the green room, just in case the cameras accidentally caught something interesting. They didn't. The Bulls men in suits awkwardly clap themselves, and a single handshake is offered up by whoever sat nearest the camera. Yep, that green room camera was TOTALLY worth it. Let's do it again next year.

- Derrick Rose's interview offers up four interesting discoveries.

a: Steven A. Smith is seemingly doing the interviews this year. So we weren't finally free from him after all.

b: Rose's nickname is "Pooh", which is odd, but somewhat synonymous with roses at least.

c: He talks like a complete and total weirdo: slowly, deeply, extremely simple and formulaic diction, and not one single solitary word worth remembering.

d: His mum has exactly the same voice as him.

This was enough to make me apprehensive about the pick. Name the last player who was completely impersonable to lead his team to a championship. Seriously. It's quite hard, isn't it? Garnett, Shaq, Rasheed Wallace, Jordan.....I guess you have to go back as far as Olajuwon to find the most recent example, and he wasn't THAT bad. And Hakeem has the ol' English-as-a-second-language fallback that Rose will never have. This bugs me. (Tim Duncan doesn't count, by the way, because he's brilliant in ways that Derrick Rose never will be, and also because counting him invalidates my already-tenuous point.)

This brings us neatly into pick number two.....

- Pick 2 .....where the highly personable Michael Beasley is taken by Miami, who idly threatened not to pick him for a few weeks. If you bought into any of that bobbins, shame on you. Really. A plague on both your houses. It was the least convincing acting job since Val Kilmer in Top Secret, and if you thought there was any legitimate chance of them picking anyone other than the instant 20ppg scoring forward, then you really need to re-think how much you trust people.

Jay Bilas chimes in, touting Beasley's "second jump ability" as soon as he opens his mouth, which seems like a weird place to begin praising the most surefire star in this draft. (Well, so I've heard.) Beasley bounds up confidently to the stage, but then lets us all down by not signing David Stern's head. Shame.

Doris Burke - who is to spend the whole evening conducting green room interviews, flexing her biceps, and looking genuinely concerned and/or relieved at all times - interviews Beasley's mother, Fa-TEE-ma Smith. Doris congratulate Fa-TEE-ma on raising five kids by herself - the obvious connotations of this aside - but neglects to mention how stupid the infection in her first name is. (Also note: this instance marks the first time tonight in which the mother being interviewed has a different surname to the player just drafted. It's also not the last.)

- Pick 3 sees the Minnesota Timberwolves - who didn't have to try hard to suck this year - pick O.J. Mayo, who treats us to the first three piece suit of the night, as well as Sam Mitchell's glasses. This news breaks Jay Bilas's heart, as his "Best Available" list sees Brook Lopez confidently listed as the third best player in this draft. As Jeff Van Gundy comforts Bilas off-camera (maybe), Stu Scott asks the panel about the Jermaine O'Neal trade.

Woah, hang on: WHAT Jermaine O'Neal trade? Can someone please elaborate? Some of us were asleep and missed this. Don't assume that we know. Help me!!!

(No one elaborates. I am left floundering.)

There follows a brief O.J. Mayo interview, in which he awkwardly stares directly at the camera while describing how he will do whatever it takes to help the team win (a cliché that's currently appeared in all three draftee interviews), before we cut to a video conference with an extremely tired looking Pat Riley overdubbing a video clip of Michael Beasley's vertical leap test. Hasn't anybody told them? Beasley is 6'9! He's too small to be a power forward in the NBA! Even I know that, and I don't know anything! (Note: that bit about 6'9 being too short? That was satire.)

- Russell Westbrook is chosen by Seattle with Pick 4, in a move that draws audible stares from the panel, and a startled noise of bewilderment from the crowd. Jay Bilas confidently weighs in to fill the airtime void, exclaiming "who would have thought, this time last year, that Westbrook was a possible top 4 draft pick?". He probably could have changed "year" to "week".

Stephen A's interview with Westbrook lasts for precisely one question, before he is forced to throw it over to Doris Burke, who is subconsciously challenging Kevin Durant to an arm wrestle. The television executives believe that we, Joe Public, really want to hear Kevin Durant's views on his team's decision to draft Westbrook. And if Durant had something negative to say, they'd be right. Something like this, maybe;

"What? WHAT??? Russell Westbrook? Are you f***ing kidding me? Russell Westbrook? Who the f*** is Russell Westbrook? Here I am, stuck on my arse playing out of position, trying to win games single handedly as Chris bloody Wilcox is the second option right now......and you get me Russell f***ing Westbrook? RUSSELL WESTBROOK???!?!?? Don't just move the franchise; fold the f****r."

But, unfortunately, this didn't happen. Durant smiled, said words so meaningless that I can't even remember them, and the world continued to spin. While I love the drama of the draft, purely for the way that the entire NBA landscape can change within 4 hours, it could definitely be better television. Maybe there could be some monster truck racing between picks.

- Pick 5: Kevin Love goes to Memphis. I guarantee you, GUARANTEE YOU, that I thought of the Gay/Love jokes before you did. That shit was instantaneous, I swear to God. As was the subsequent Hakim Warrick for Luther Head trade idea. Stern hadn't even got the word "Love" out and I was concocting "Love Gay Head" blog posts. Good times. Between Kevin Love and Lopez twins, we have the outlines of a fine All-Porn Star Rookie Team here.

The subsequent Kevin Love analysis has warning flags all over it. Bilas begins the ultimate he's-not-that-good cliché round-up ("he knows how to play the game, he has a great feel for the game, and he's strong"), and as footage, ESPN choose to show Love's ability to hit 80 foot three pointers, before flashing up the polarizing caption "Must Improve: Explosion Ability". Is that even possible? Or is "explosion ability" just a soubriquet for "skin pigment"? I'd be worried about this pick right now if I was a Grizzlies fan. Add it to the list of things to worry about down there.

Then, things improve. First, we learn that Kevin Love's uncle Mike is the lead singer of the Beach Boys (I looked up whether Mike's name was Mike Love, and it was, so that's good news), and then both Kevin and the rest of "The Love Family" are interviewed. Kevin shows himself to be eloquent, friendly, and not firmly adhered to the interview chair like most other draftees, while his father Stan Love nervously twirls what looks like an iPod during his turn, apparently threatened by Doris Burke's hulking beauty. Following this, Stu Scott tries to build up the drama, for the hometown Knicks are picking next, but he is undermined slightly by the camera cutting to a shot of a Knick fan yawning. This was a good montage.

- Pick 6: The Knicks surprise and thoroughly piss off their travelling faithful by picking Danilo Gallinari to a resounding chorus of boos, which Gallinari overlooks with good grace. Even the panel had to backpedal, having talked about the Knicks selecting every candidate other than Danilo before the pick was made. Fran Fraschilla interjects with the soothing declaration that Gallinari "will not be a superstar", which didn't help to assuage the rising angst of the gathered New Yorkers. (Seriously, at number 6, wouldn't you at least pick a guy with an outside chance of this happening? If only a faint one? Especially if you're the Knicks? And why another small forward when they can't shift two of the four that they already have? Still, it's good news for the current Jared Jeffries bet that I have got going, which I stand to win unless Jeffries averages 9.5 points a game. Basically I've won it already.)

Stu Scott tries to brighten proceedings, by announcing that Gallinari already has a personalised shoe, called the "Reebok Rooster", helpfully pointing out that "Galli" is Italian for rooster. Thus, if you didn't already know, Gallinari is forever after known as "The Italian Cock". Good times.

(EDIT - "Nari" is an Italian name, meaning "Happy". Thus, Danilo Gallinari is, literally, Cock Happy. I'm going to tell this joke over a million times in the coming days.)

SAS's interview with Gallinari focuses on little else but the booing Knicks fans, which seems unfair. (You could say that Steven A. Smith was trying to manhandle The Cock. In fact, I will say that.) Gallinari copes with it well, citing the fact that he will win them over when they see that he "plays hard", a cliché now invoked of 5 of the 6 interviews so far. I'd like to see more "I will give it only the merest token effort during my time here" interviews, just to mix it up a little.

- Eric Gordon is chosen by the L.A. Clippers as Pick 7, taking to the stage in a get-up that I originally wrote in my notebook as "sharp", before crossing it out in favour of "shit".



White jacket, black trousers, black and white stripey shirt with a plain white collar. How very.....something.

It is pointed out that 5 of the first 7 players chosen are college freshman, but at no point does anyone mention why. (Has this 19 year old age limit really changed anything?) There follows an Eric Gordon montage, featuring him shooting jumpshots from around his right ear, a commentary that describes him as a small two guard, plus a screenshot that cites "ball handling" as a weakness. So my first impressions of Eric Gordon are unflattering at best.

We leave this high octane moment to cut to someone called Wendy Nix interviewing new Knicks president Donnie Walsh (oh, I see what they did there!) who is wearing Pacers colours. Walsh, looking a lot like a Mafia capo, lets down this image when he speaks without an Italian American New York drawl. Still, he's in the right place for it now. Maybe he can develop one.

Jeff Van Gundy explains that the Knicks don't need point guard help because they have Stephon Marbury. Everybody is stunned into a submissive silence.

- Pick 8: Joe Alexander goes to Milwaukee. I don't know who he is, or what he's about, but I'm calling him "Diamond", because all people with the name Joe get that prefix. Similarly, all Petes are "Pistol", all Daves are "Dynamite" and all Marios are "Super". These things write themselves.

The compulsory montage offers the viewer the chance to see Joe Alexander's baby pictures, which must be something that he consented to, but for reasons that I cannot possibly fathom. Clips of his play show that Alexander is a keen proponent of The White Guy Run™, the ultimate warning sign for any draftee. (FYI, The White Guy Run™ is a run defined by absolutely no arm movement, even when running at full tilt.) Name two players who star in this league, even when burdened with The White Guy Run™. You can't. Yao Ming is one, but the second.......he just doesn't exist.

Alexander then changes the very fabric of society in his interview, by saying that he will "work hard", as opposed to the usual "play hard". SAS responds, saying "you know the trade that the Bucks made today", and before I have time to excitedly mouth "NO!".....my online streams cuts out. Terrific. So I'm still none the wiser. Note to self - don't miss the build-up next year.

- Pick 9: After a quick scramble, the feed comes back barely in time to see Jay Bilas plugging Brook Lopez once again, just for Charlotte to disappoint him by picking D.J. Augustin. The pick is greeted by a consesus congratulations from everyone except Jay, who openly wonders why Charlotte wouldn't go big, but instead went for the 5'11 guy. Jeff Van Gundy begins his analysis with the sentence "the big thing is, what are they going to do with Gerald Wallace," thereby making it painfully obvious that he knows absolutely nothing about D.J. Augustin. By the way, I always get a jolly when I find out that I'm taller than an NBA player, and I don't know why.

The fact that Richard Jefferson was traded earlier today is idly mentioned in the build-up to the Nets picking 10th. Would someone please put me out of my bloody misery and tell me about all these trades, please? Was Jefferson traded to Jermaine O'Neal or something? What have the Bucks got to do with this? Don't ever assume the public are clever. We're not. And we have afternoon naps sometimes.

- Pick 10: Brook Lopez goes. Jay Bilas lives.

Here's what I know about big men from Stanford - Mark Madsen is one. As are the Collins twins. I shouldn't hold their towering shitness agaisnt the Lopez brothers, but I will.

Jay Bilas's main selling point on Brook Lopez is how "tough" he is. One question - if you're far bigger than all of your peers, more athletic, and also "tough", why would you only average 8 rebounds a game?

A lot is also made of the fact this twin brother Robin Lopez will be drafted at some point tonight too, making them the third set of brothers currently in the NBA (but soon to be one of four - read on, captivated viewer!). This, when combined with the well defined fact that half of the NBA is in some way the other half's cousin, makes the NBA one great big family love-in. Who said that the sport had lost its appeal to the white American audience?

Brook and Robin Lopez both strike me as complete frat boys, by the way. This is not good. At least Robin tries to be funny, even if he fails.

Someone FINALLY throws up a caption showing the Bucks trade mentioned earlier: Milwaukee acquires Richard Jefferson for the corpse of Bobby Simmons and the Chinese anticlimax, Yi Jianlian. Wow. In the unlikely event that you hadn't noticed, that trade is staggeringly bad for New Jersey. You mean to tell me a 21-foot jumpshooter and a contract so bad that it's not even expiring is the best value that you can get for a 28 year old 22ppg scorer in the prime of his career? Really? You couldn't even get a future pick out of them? Not even a second? M'kay.

Oh wait, they hired Kiki Vandeweghe, didn't they? Never mind then. Makes some sense now.

- Pick 11 sees Jerry D. Bayless go to Indiana, in a move that baffles the announcers, who proclaim that Indiana doesn't need a point guard. Either they weren't watching last year, or Jermaine O'Neal was dealt for a point guard. Rather than wait it out like the Jefferson thing, I looked it up, and saw that O'Neal had been traded to Toronto for T.J. Ford, Rasho Nesterovic, Macy O'Baston, and the number 17 pick. Good trade for Indy, that. Too much from Toronto, but it might be all right. Scott helpfully points out that Jamaal Tinsley is now "for sale", the implication being that he wasn't before.

In his interview, Bayless says he'll play wherever he is needed. So that's nice. Bayless is apparently really good at golf. So that helps. He's also apparently not very good at passing, but really, which of these two skills do you need more in your point guard? It's clearly the golf.

- Pick 12: Jason Thompson is picked by Sacramento at number 12.

Now, when I say that I don't know anything about the draftees in any given year, I've usually at least HEARD of them. With Jason Thompson, I am stumped. I've never heard of him, nor his college (Rider), nor even his conference (the MAC or something). It would be immature of me to hold my ignorance against Thompson, but what else am I to do? This is a night for predjuce and first impressions, after all.

David Stern tells us that Thompson is "not here". So it follows either this wasn't a 'promise pick' by Sacramento, or Thompson declined the offer to turn up, as he didn't want several thousand people staring at him, mouthing "who the hell is that?". That seems reasonable, I guess.

A table is quickly fashioned by ESPN, showing us that the selection of Thompson ties the record for the lowest that the first senior in any draft has ever been drafted. His company on that table is made up of Melvin Ely, Rafael Araujo and Acie Law. A list with those three in it can't ever be good.

- Pick 13: Brandon Rush is selected by the Portland Trail Blazers, ostensibly to back up the backup to his namesake, Brandon Roy. So confusing is the names thing that Stephen A. Smith immediately asks Rush what it will be like to back up Brandon Rush, which I claim as vindication. This marks the second time tonight that a pair of brothers have joined the league, as Brandon's brother Kareem Rush is an Indiana Pacer for at least 5 more days.

At this moment, my feed cuts out again, freezing irrepairably on a screen that shows "Sacramento: Pick 12 (Jason Thompson). Fan Grade: F". Tough crowd.

(You know, there's only been one Euro drafted so far. Maybe that trend of picking completely unready Euros way too high is finally gone for good.)

- Pick 14: I missed pick 14, busy trying to find a new stream, when Golden State drafted somebody named Anthony Randolph. This marks the second straight year that they have drafted a 6'10, 200lb forward. But at least he has the same surname as his mum.

Dick Vitale makes his first appearance of the evening, in one of draft night's more annoying traditions. I have no problem with Dick Vitale - his name is Dick Vitale, after all, and no amount of deliberate mispronounciation of his surname will hide this fact. But....you know? Do people really have to encourage the "baby" thing? Let the baby have his bottle, but don't make the problem worse. We may as well get Scotty Nguyen in the booth if this is how it's going to be.

- Robin Lopez goes to Phoenix at Pick 15. That leads to this happening:



And that's unfortunate.

Also, let's get this out of the way now. Robin Lopez has big hair. OK? We get this. As a result, it is now obligatory to compare him to the other players with big hair, Anderson Varejao and Joakim Noah. So let's get it all out of the way early so that we need not bother with it again.

(By the way, his mum is called Deborah Ledford. I'm not keeping an official Mum's Surname count, but if you are, chalk this one up. Also, Ledford is a baaaaaad name for a basketball player.)

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Coming up soon: Part 2. I only broke it down into two parts because, as you can see - it's way, way too long. But I'm not sorry.


Part 2