Where Are They Now, 2009; Part 39

Each of these takes about 90 minutes to write. We're now on entry number 39. That means that I've spent roughly 60 hours over these past 6 weeks writing updates on the careers of assorted insignificant basketball players. That's kind of impressive, and kind of pathetic. Oh well. Only 30 hours left.

- Smush Parker started the season in the D-League, averaging 17.3 points, 4.5 rebounds, 7.5 assists and an almighty 5.1 turnovers per game for the Rio Grande Valley Vipers. He then pissed off to China, where he may have become literally the only American import whose numbers went down in the CBA. Parker averages 13.3 points, 4.9 rebounds, 4.0 assists and 3.2 steals for Guandong, numbers that are pretty unimpressive in purely relative terms. Luckily for Smush, I don't know his Chinese turnover numbers.

- I don't know what Cherokee Parks does now, but his sister Corey is no longer the bass player for seminal hard rock band Nashville Pussy, and hasn't been for about 8 years. Another really useful update for you here. Be grateful.

- Marlon Parmer spent some time earlier this season playing backup point guard for the Colorado 14ers, averaging 8.0 points and 3.6 assists, but was waived in January and has not signed elsewhere since.

- Ruben Patterson hasn't had a great couple of years. After a career year with the Bucks in the final year of his big contract, all Ruben could manage for the 2007/08 season was an unguaranteed minimum salary contract with the Clippers. He was then waived before the contract guarantee date, and didn't catch on with a playoff team. Patterson then joined the Nuggets for preseason this year, but never really had a legitimate shot at making the team, as the cost-cutting Nuggets didn't really want any of their five signings (despite having two open roster spots) because it would mean spending money to keep them. Patterson was subsequently waived, and hasn't signed elsewhere since, after a rumoured move to Spain didn't come off. Will he catch on with a playoff team for this deadline? Who knows. The Celtics, amongst others, could use him. But they won't have roster space once the deal for Stephon Marbury goes down, and for all of Marbury's faults, he's not the registered sex offender that Patterson is. You can't fault a team if they find that to be a severe detriment to signing him. So I'd guess that Ruben goes unsigned, again.

- Andre Patterson averaged 4.2 points and 2.7 rebounds in 10 games for the Reno Bighorns, got waived, then joined up with The Arse, where he currently averages 2.1 points and 2.8 rebounds in 11 games. In those combined 21 games, he has 74 points, 58 rebounds and 47 fouls. Not great.

- Rickey Paulding is with EWE Oldenburg, a German basketball team that also fosters elderley sheep. Paulding averages 14.1 points and 5.0 rebounds in the EuroChallenge for Oldenburg, who are still going strong in the competition, as well as 15.2 points and 4.5 rebounds in German league play. He leads the team in scoring in both competitions.

- Gary Payton is now appearing on NBA TV, where I am informed that he is cringeworthily bad. However, I've never seen him, and thus should not pass judgement. Not that this usually stops me.

- Anthony Peeler last played in December 2005 for Akasvayu Girona in Spain. He is now an assistant coach for Virginia Union University. Did you know that Anthony Peeler collects hats? Me neither, until just now. This is the kind of vital information that I'm committed to bringing you.

- Nikola Pekovic, Timberwolves draft pick this past summer, is with Panathinaikos in Greece. Pecker is averaging 12.1 points and 3.7 rebounds in 17.5 minutes a game in the Euroleague, alongside 11.5 points and 3.3 rebounds in 15.4 minutes per game in the Greek league. Great scoring rate, particularly for a 6'11 player, but work a bit harder on the boards, sir. I read somewhere sometime that the Timberwolves plan on bringing in Peckerwood in the summer of 2010, which in theory gives them a nie young big rotation of Pekovic, Al Jefferson and Kevin Love. But God only knows how that's going to work out on defense.

- Ben Pepper - who never left Oceania, apart from a very brief stint in the ABA at the turn of the century - is currently unsigned, and was for the whole of the past NBL (Australian league) season. I'm assuming he's retired, but can't find any proof of this.

- Finally, Kosta Perovic is averaging 11.2 points and 5.0 rebounds in 19.5 minutes per game for Valeniva in the Eurocup. That's quite good, and a hell of a lot more than Perovic showed with the Warriors last year.

(This entry took less than an hour. Nice. That gives me plenty of time to do other things. I'm now off to precariously balance some big things on top of some smaller things.)

Summer signings, round 22

- A while ago, I helpfully wrote this.

Taurean Green is about to sign with some team in some country in Europe. And I forgot to write down who and where.

Well, I now know! Green has signed with CAI Zaragoza, which is a team in Spain. ShamSports.com - where uninteresting news is broken later than on other sites, and not very informatively at that.

- Oklahoma City signed Kyle Weaver, which gives them something they otherwise sorely lack - a shooting guard. (I mean, they have a looooooot of forwards. Desmond Mason and Joe Smith are only there as expirings, even though they are decent players. But even without them there's too much forward depth going on. This is making my great plan to pawn Cedric Simmons off onto them slightly harder to achieve.)

- There was a weird trade what happened, there be. Houston traded Patrick Ewing to New York for the draft rights to Frederic Weis. Houston did this for the same reasons that they traded Sean Singletary and Steve Novak before him - to dump salary so that they can re-sign Carl Landry and Dikembe Mutombo. But it must be pretty weird for Ewing Jr to be going to the team where his old man is revered as a bit of a legend, when he himself is going to struggle to make the regular season active roster. I can only imagine that that adds more pressure to a pretty desperate situation.

(Also, re: the Knicks - you trade away Renaldo Balkman because he doesn't "fit in", and then you trade for Patrick Ewing Jr. Hmmm. What did I miss?)

As for the hows and whys of Weis's involvement, read the bottom half of this page. I KNEW that writing all that bobbins would be worth it one day!

- And finally (yes, so soon!), Hapoel Holon signed Deron Washington, who will pair up with P.J. Tucker to form what no one is calling "The Wing Of Dreams". Speaking of Deron Washington, here is a list of all of this year's second rounders and what they've done with their lives, as well as possibly some nob jokes.



- Nikola Pekovic is signed in Europe, as well Minnesota knew when they drafted him. He has moved from Partizan Belgrade to Panathinaikos. He's also the eponymous star of a slightly pornographic Eastern European remake of Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

- Walter Sharpe signed with the Detroit Pistons, and I forgot to tell you. Sorry.

- Joey Dorsey has not yet signed with the Houston Rockets, but he will do.

- Mario Chalmers has signed a three year deal with the Heat, who nevertheless have said that he won't be the starter next year. Which means that, by default, Marcus Banks or Chris Quinn will be. That can't be good. But it could be worse. It could be Stephon Marbury.

- DeAndre Jordan signed with the Clippers, as mentioned repeatedly already.

- Omer Asik isn't going to join the Bulls for at least two years, as he is signed with Fenerbache until that time. When he does join the NBA, he's probably going to be brilliant.

- Cucumber A Moute is signed with the Bucks and currently represents every decent defensive forward that they have.

- Kyle Weaver - look up, towards the bit where it says "Oklahoma City signs" and then where it says "Kyle Weaver" immediately afterwards.

- Sonny Weems is unsigned and recovering from hernia surgery. Will Denver sign him for camp? Probably. Do I have evidence of that? Nope.

- Chris Douglas-Roberts signed with New Jersey. I forgot to tell you this, too.

- Nathan Jawai signed with Toronto. I forgot to tell you this, too, too.

- Sean Singletary signed with Sacramento, then got traded to Houston, then got traded to Phoenix. Bobby Jones is worried. But Phoenix is expected to keep him now.

- Patrick Ewing also signed with Sacramento. Patrick Ewing also got traded to Houston. But, in a move that seperates him from the Sean Singletarys of this world, Ewing was then traded to New York. (Confusing, I know.) Look up for scorn.

- Ante Tomic......err, well, I can't find anything definitive either way, but I'd basically guarantee he's not signing this year. He's not signed a deal with the Jazz, and Kyrylo Fesenko and Kosta Koufos are already under contract. So why bring in Tomic? Who needs three tall European centres?

- Goran Dragic was the compelling protagonist of a "will he won't he" love epic that still hasn't entirely finished yet. It is said that he will sign with the Suns, but he hasn't done so yet.

- Trent Plaisted is signed with Angellico Biella in Italy.

- Bill Walker signed with the Celtics.

- Malik Hairston is unsigned and probably at least going to camp with the Spurs. I say that with nothing to back it up other than the fact that he's a Spurs draft pick who hasn't signed in Europe yet. If you have Malik Hairston news (I can find none! What the deuce!), fire it off below.

- Richard Hendrix signed with the Warriors way back in the day.

- DeVon Hardin signed with Belediyespor in Turkey.

- Shan Foster is signed with Juve Caserta in Italy.

- Darnell Jackson will be going to camp with the Cavaliers, which is a Python-esque sentence if you don't know what your NBA lingo.

- Tadija Dragicevic is staying with Red Star Belgrade (Crvena Zvezda) for at least one more season.

- Maarty Leunen is, according to the Rockets, destined for Europe. But Leunen hasn't signed there yet, perhaps hoping that the Rockets will miss Steve Novak more than they thought. If this wild unsubstantiated theory is in any way true......Maarty, don't bother going to Houston's camp this year. They'll just cut you. They can't even seem to fit Carl Landry in, for God's sake.

- Mike Taylor signed with the Clippers a good long while ago.

- Sasha Kaun signed with CSKA Moscow back on part two of this summer signings list. Bloody hell. That was ages ago. I'm still shooting for fifty, by the way, despite the fact that the news is drying up thick and fast. I'll invent it if I have to.

- James Gist has also signed with Angellico Biella.

- Joe Crawford signed with the Lakers already.

- Deron Washington - look up.

- Semih Erden isn't coming over this year. (Giggidy.)


As for the first rounders, everyone signed with their team, apart from George Hill (who should do, last I heard), and Serge Ibaka (who won't).

Hey look, only one cock joke!