Where Are They Now, 2009; Act 4, Scene 38

Debuting later - some stuff. Keep your eyes firmly peeled on the mid 90's menu to the left and mash refresh religiously - eventually you will be rewarded.

- Lukasz Obrzut was a very insignificant player in the D-League last year, averaging 3.1 ppg and 2.4 rpg over 38 games with both the Bakersfield Jam and the Fort Wayne Mad Ants. Before that, he spent four very insignificant years with Kentucky, never averaging more than 2.0 ppg and 1.8 rpg. Now, he's in Poland, averaging 5.2 points, 3.7 rebounds and 2.9 fouls per game for the powerhouse that is ISS Sportino Inowroclaw (and by "powerhouse", I mean "team in third last place"). How very insignificant.

- It was only a few short years ago that Michael Olowokandi was a starting centre in the Western Conference Finals. Things have changed wildly since then - the money dried up, as did the few skills, and a season of playing for the Celtics on the minimum salary (Kandi didn't need the money, and did it just to prove to himself that he could...apparently) was the last she wrote. Kandi is about to turn 34 with a lenghty history, and I assume him to be unofficially retired.

- In lieu of any Greg Ostertag news, here is a video of him losing at table tennis to a sharply dressed pre-teen.



- Bo Outlaw is retired and now a "community ambassador" for the Orlando Magic.

- Andre Owens is with Red Star Belgrade (Crvena Zvezda), averaging 11.8 points, 3.3 rebounds and 2.8 assists a game in the Adriatic League, and 10.6/2.7/2.3 in the Eurocup. Owen was also recently the victim of an attack by a fan - or at least, a really bad attempt at one - and you can read about that here

- Olumide Oyedeji is in China, which is good news for us all. Playing for Shanxi Zhongyu, Oyedeji averages 20.4 points and a slightly staggering 19.4 rebounds per game. The assists, steals and blocks numbers aren't bad either; 2.8, 2.2, 1.6. Oyedeji has had 37 double doubles in his 39 games, and has not had less than 10 rebounds in any game; in the two games where he missed a double-double, his stat lines read:

4 points, 21 rebounds, 6 assists, 4 blocks.
8 points, 16 rebounds, 1 assist.

That's prime Ben Wallace territory, that. They should have known that it was going to go well when Oyedeji put up 23 points, 24 rebounds and 9 assists on his debut. Do you love reading these numbers? Me too. They constantly s*** on all these "faceless player averages 7 points and 3 rebounds in some obscure European league" entries that I have to write. They pale in comparison to this. 19.4 rebounds a game! 7 offensive! Averaging 45 minutes a game! Good times. Very good times.

- Robert Pack hasn't been heard from since his entirely unexpected stint with the Toronto Raptors in 2005 preseason. That was three and a half years ago now. He is now a travel agent (true story), and was an assistant coach for the San Antonio Spurs's entry at the 2008 Rocky Mountain Revue.

- David Padgett went to training camp with the Miami Heat, signed a contract immediately after it (essentially this meant just signing for training camp really early), didn't make the team, and was waived. He has not signed elsewhere since, presumably living it up on his $35,000 guarantee.

- After Scott Padgett's NBA career ended abruptly after a trade to the Memphis Grizzlies and a subsequent waiving, he signed in Spain for about two weeks with CB Granada. This was back in April 2007. He has not been heard from since. He's not a missing person or dead or anything. I just can't find any news on him. He probably does real estate now, though. They all do.

- Milt Palacio is the starting point guard for Khimky in Russia, averaging 6.4 points, 2.2 rebounds and 2.0 assists in the Russian league, alongside 5.2 points, 1.7rebounds and 3.5 assists in the Eurocup. I watched Milton play the other day, and if any Jazz fans out there are wondering in Fellatio still hits the underside of the backboard with his layups.......yep! More good times.

- Adam Parada's last 5 basketball destinations are as follows - Mexico, Philippines, Sacramento Kings, Jordan, the ABA. One of those is not like the others. Parada currently finds himself in Japan, playing for the Mitsubishi Melco Dolphins. The Japanese league is not like the Chinese league, for not only are the team names intelligible, but there's also not nearly the wealth of fringe NBA talent in it. However, this doesn't mean that Adam Parada can't still be brilliant, and he doesn't let us down, delivering a scintilating 13.97 points and 7.8 rebounds a game.

- Finally, Jannero Pargo left the NBA for Dynamo Moscow to great fanfare, and then left Dynamo Moscow to slightly less fanfare after the team fell behind on their payments to him. (This hasn't stopped them from signing Brian Chase as a replacement, though.) Pargo since signed with Olympiakos, where his sole aim is to have a slightly more successful stint than Olympiakos's other former Hornet guard, Arvydas Macijauskas. Pargo has delivered on that (albeit only slightly), averaging 4.7 points and 2.7 assists in his three Euroleague games so far, after averaging rougly 13/4/5 for Dynamo.

Summer signings, round 2

- Former Detroit Pistons guard Alex Acker has left European powerhouse Barcelona, after a poor season last year. He's also been replaced by Juan Carlos Navarro, whom we'll probably never see in the NBA again, for an entirely different reason to that of Acker. Detroit still owns Acker's rights, but they're looking increasingly worthless. (Detroit, Acker, and his rights.)

- Atlanta Hawks draftee, Australian centre David Andersen, is also joining Barcelona on a three year deal. Andersen, whose combination of height, broken legs and athleticism was enough to rigidify Hawks fans for at least two years, will also probably never join the NBA. But that doesn't mean that he isn't any good.

- Derrick Zimmerman has signed with the ever-elusive geniuses of Budivelnik Kiev in the Ukraine, where he may soon be joined by Anthony Morrow, who has agreed to terms to join the team. However, Morrow's agreement is conditional - if he makes an NBA roster, he'll do that instead. (Morrow is on two summer league rosters this year, so he's giving it a go.) Zimmerman clearly had no such clause, so at least one of the two realises the futility of such a situation.

- Indiana Pacers draft pick Erazem Lorbek has signed with CSKA Moscow, essentially as the replacement for David Andersen above.

- James Singleton has left Tau Ceramica in Spain to try and come back to the NBA. We wait with baited breath. (EDIT: I wrote this a long time before posting it - Singleton has since signed with the Dallas Mavericks. It's a good signing. Singleton should never have left the NBA. He's good enough to be a 10th or 11th man in it. However, Dallas also signed Keith McLeod, and Keith McLeod is complete wank. So it's swings and roundabouts.)

- Milt Fellatio has signed with Khimky (not Kinky) in Russia. A report on the subject says that "Khimky wants to win ULEB Cup this year", which gives them a clear advantage over those ULEB Cup teams who don't want to win it. Good plan.

- New-found Montengran citizen Omar Cook has signed for Unicja in Spain ona two year contract. Cook played very well for Red Star Belgrade last year, and Milwaukee Bucks coach Scott Skiles likes him a lot. Yet apparently, that's not getting it done for Omar, who still doesn't get a return to the NBA. Cook also played at the Boston Celtics free agent camp this month, alongside a "who's who?" of nobodys including Randolph Morris, Eddie Basden, Alan Anderson, Bobby Brown, RYVON! Covile, David Noel, Lawrence Roberts, Mustafa Shakur and someone called Brian Butch. But seemingly this didn't result in a potential roster spot for Omar. (Cook has also started playing for the Montenegran National Team, for those who previously missed this exciting news.)

- Robert Archibald turned down a two year contract from the New Orleans Hornets to go and play alongside Cook for Unicaja Malaga, which seems rare and strange. According to this, it is because of the lure of guaranteed money, more than the lure of Omar Cook. But then again, that link describes Archibald's NBA reputation as "rock solid", so.......yeah.

- Sasha Kaun, drafted in the second round this year and sold to the Cleveland Cavaliers, has signed with CSKA Moscow, along with Erazem Lorbek mentioned above, as well as former Magic and Rockets forward Terence Morris. David Andersen is sitting somewhere in Spain, regretting leaving such a stacked team. Probably. Well, maybe.

- Will Bynum is to earn $800,000 this season playing for Virtus Bologna in Italy, assuming that he doesn't make the Detroit Pistons roster.

- Former Net Zoran Planinic, just like basically everybody else in this post, has signed for CSKA Moscow, which is in Moscow. Does David Andersen regret it now? Does he fuck.

Where Are They Now? Part 28

Greg Ostertag is still retired, and recently got spotted at a Kansas Jayhawks game. This isn't relevant to anything.

Bo Outlaw was waived by the Magic right at the start of the regular season, as a necessary concurrent part of the surprisingly successful Maurice Evans trade. (Maurice Evans! Starter on a playoff team! Glue guy! Good shooter! Who knew! Exclamation!). Since then, Bo has been hired to work in the Magic's community relations department, which is probably a precursor to a more official retirement.

Sticking with the theme of "Crappy Unskilled Magic Big Men", Olumide Oyedeji averaged 18.0 points and 15.2 rebounds for the Liaoning Panpan Hunters in China, the country's second best team. However, for the sake of reference, let it be known that Soumalia Samake averaged 18.2 and 15.2 rebounds. So the competition looks pretty bad.

Also, here's some bonus Olumide Oyedeji information - one of the obscure satellite TV channels over here is called "BEN". I think it is supposed to be a rip-off of the more famous "BET". Either way, all this channel seems to air is home video footage of black people arguing loudly while a TV blares in the background. (BEN seems like the kind of broadcasting ably suited for the role of "TV background noise", so maybe that's why.) At least once a month, they have a show called "Basketball", which does what it promises. A few years ago, this segment used to feature ABA games, which helped hone my knowledge of such basketball pioneers as Ace Custis, Willie (not Wilson) Chandler, and Darryl Dawkins's wardrobe. In recent times, though, they have taken to showing the same game over and over again - Nigeria versus Egypt, from 2004. This game is amusing to watch, which is probably why they air it so much. All of the action is brought to us from the same one camera angle, in a completely empty gym, filled with a strage haze. It's kind of like watching summer league. The Nigerians play the game like it's netball for the entire game, while the Egptians repeatedly use about 5 seconds of each shot clock before getting a brick in the air. The calibre of the basketball on offer is enough to make Hemingway weep. And in this game are Olumide Oyedeji, and Gabe Muoneke.

I know you're jealous.


Robert Pack's last professional basketball gig was for Zalgiris in Lithuania three years ago, when he was kicked off of the team for this punch.

Scott Padgett ended last season with Granada in Spain, but did not play this year. I don't know why.

Milt Fellatio Palacio has spent the season with Partizan Belgrade, where he just won the Euroleague MVP for March. If you can believe that. (Euroleague is the highest calibre of European play, for those unaware.)

Adam Parada is playing for Red Bull Barako in the Phillipines. This is him in action only two days ago. (Parada is number 55, in red. The big fella.) WARNING - Video contains excitable Phillipino girls screaming really loudly for no reason. ANOTHER WARNING - Parada doesn't really do anything in the video except sit down.

Cherokee Parks has been out of basketball for ages and is now little more than a waste of bandwidth and a pain in thine arse. Also, here is a Cherokee Parks video worth watching.

Marlon Parmer signed just today for Al Rayyan in Qatar. A few days ago, I spent the best part of an hour researching whether Marlon Parmer is left handed or right handed, in order to update his profile that no one will ever look at. I finally found the answer after finding a Youtube video of his first practice with the Estonian team that he played for last season. I can't believe how fucking long I wasted on that. But, for those interested, the answer is, he's left handed.

Ruben Patterson surprisingly did not get signed for the playoffs, and remains unemployed.

Andre Patterson also did not get signed for the playoffs, but that was less of a surprise. Patterson is a member of the Dakota Wizards of the D-League, where he totalled 12 points and 10 rebounds in 2 games.

Rickey Paulding is playing for Oldenburg in Germany, where he averages a team high 13.1 points per game.