Karmic Retribution

The 2003 All Star Game was a freaking embarassment.

If you watched it, you fellated Michael Jordan. You are guilty by association. By watching it, I too fellated Michael Jordan. And I didn't enjoy it one bit.

The whole event was a prolonged Michael Jordan ass kiss. As it was to be Jordan's last ever All Star game, in His final season before His third and only retirement, we were treated to the sight of His balls being polished mercilessly by everyone in the game, around the game, and Mariah Carey. Everything Michael did throughout history - excluding the previous 18 months, of course - was to be glorified and indulged one more time to such a lavish and excessive degree that, if any of us had forgotten how scarily good and frighteningly popular He was, we would never do so again. They had documentaries, they had interviews, they had montages, they had songs, they had a dress represented two of his uniforms on....they had everything.

Unfortunately, there was a slight problem. Jordan wasn't voted in as a starter by the fans. And it's hard to be the most important player on the floor when five other people get there first.

Never mind, though. Into the confusion stepped Allen Iverson. Voted in as one of the starting guards ahead of Jordan, Iverson magnanimously volunteered to give up his starting spot for Jordan, so that He may start the game and take the first 40 shots or so. Tracy McGrady, one of the starting forwards, made an identical gesture a few days later, once again showing sympathy-enducing deferrence to an older man's inferior play. However, the other starting guard, Vince Carter, did not make the same offer, even when pressed to do so.

People turned on Vince Carter. Because he didn't feel the need to give up what was rightfully is, like the others had done before him, he was vitriolically defamed, cursed and besmirched, suddenly deemed "disrespectful" for not giving Jordan something that he didn't earn. (And no, he didn't earn it. Michael Jordan's career up until that point saw him justifiably earn immeasurable fame, fortune and respect aplenty - giving him this starting spot, that he hadn't justifiably earned, would not have changed this.) Not working in Vince's favour was the fact that he had missed most of the year up until that point with injury - in this respect, he too hadn't earn the starting spot. However, Carter had gotten it anyway, because the fans wanted him to have it. But now, they wanted him to give it back. It made no sense, and Vince became a victim, stuck in a position where he could do no right without doing wrong.

Eventually, he relented. A mere matter of minutes before the game, Vince yielded his starting spot to Jordan, whose initial public claims to have not wanted the spot anyway seemed to disappear as he took Vince up on the offer, the same one that he claimed to have previously turned down from Iverson and McGrady. I distinctly remember an interview with Carter just before the game started, in which a pissed-off Vince spoke some clichéd poppycock about how it was the right thing to do to respect the history of the game, and of the "greatest player, probably, to put a pair of basketball shoes on". (Note: quote comes from a time when Vince was still insistent on not giving up his spot.) Had Vince had black eyes, cuts, and a distinct hobble that befitted a kneecapping victim, I wouldn't have been surprised - he didn't look like a man who had made a heartfelt gesture. Yet, regardless of what duress he was under, he made it anyway.

Jordan then came out and shot a Morrison.



Cut to the present day. This year's votes on the All Star Starters are in, and Allen Iverson is one of the starting Eastern Conference guards alongside Dwyane Wade. Vince Carter was third in the fan vote, narrowly missing out on the second guard spot. (Luke Ridnour was fifth, proving once again that this system is still effing stupid.) However, despite his popularity barely waning, Iverson's skill level has started to drop, and he is no longer truly deserving of any award that claims him to be (implied or otherwise) the second best guard in his conference. On the season, Iverson averages only 17.9 points, 3.3 rebounds, 5.4 assist and 2.8 turnovers, finally declining like the 33 year old that he is. Several players behind him in the voting, Carter included, are better players than he is now. (Note: Luke Ridnour isn't one of them.) And while the concept of the fan vote is to see the most popular players, not necessarily the best (which incidentally is another damning slant on the whole idea of giving up the spot for Jordan in the first place; the fans clearly didn't want him to start), it shouldn't be.

I want Allen Iverson to give up his starting spot for the better player this year, and the more deserving player over Jordan six years ago, Vince Carter. I realise that it is hypocritical to condemn the idea that Carter was forced to give up his spot in the first place, and then later in the same blog post to infer that Iverson should give up his spot this year to make up for it. And for this, I am sorry. But sometimes, two wrongs do make a right.

(The fan vote system doesn't work, by the way. Yao Ming was an All Star starter way before he deserved to be, and Yi Jianlian and Bruce Bowen came dangerously close to being voted onto the team this year despite never coming close to All Star calibre talent. The NBA All Star game should be to showcase the NBA's best, something which this system does not necessarily do, and therefore it is crap and needs abolishing. But that rant is for another day.)

This isn't a knock on Allen Iverson, whose initial 2003 gesture seemed sincere and genuine, and who isn't to blame for the fans voting him in over other, better players. But the NBA owes Vince Carter something, and this would be a fine time to give him it. Iverson doesn't personally owe Carter anything, and as such he will have done nothing wrong if he starts the game as chosen. Like Vince before him, Iverson has no obligation to give up what is rightfully his, and it is rightfuly his, even if it shouldn't be. But the entire NBA World owes Vince Carter an apology, as well as an All Star start, and Allen Iverson can make this happen. As hypocritical as it may be for me to want to see someone else give up their spot, Vince Carter deserves some justice, no matter how much you dislike him.

Please do this, AI. We'll be brothers for life if you do. I'll never let anyone defoul you again. No one. No one will disrespect this thing of ours. La Cosa Nostra. Me and you. Ride or die.

Let's do this.

Darnell Swallow? I bet he does.

Repeatedly, I have commented about the television coverage that the NBA receives in this, the most fabulous of countries, my homeland, and the place I reside in while I write this: England. For those who thankfully missed previous rants, one game a week is screened on a Tuesday night on a free-to-air channel called Five, and that's all we get. It's not presented very well, either.

I have yet to offer glimpses into what I'm talking about for those who have never seen the coverage in question, partly due to my laziness in recording a video, and partly because a typical Mark Webster question transcribes roughly as "well see, this is the thing, isn't it, because you know, he's, err, he's, he's, err, err, y'know, he is THE MAN, and y'know, he's going to make them do things his way, y'know, just going about their business, aren't they? That's right", which isn't good blog material. But I've ranted anyway because it annoys me. And now I'm going to do it again.

What bothers me the most about the coverage - moreso than Webster's stammer, moreso than Andre Alleyne's less than insightful insights into the NBA, and moreso than the forced chemistry and bad laughter that permeates everything they say - is the channel's dedication to only promoting the sport towards a black market. Be it through crappy pre-game advertisements, or by only interviewing black people, Five somehow ensure that Mark Webster is your only dose of vanilla for the night.

That is, except for last night. Last night, they finally had a white guy. Sort of.



If this face looks familiar, it may be because you saw it before, in this blog post. This is the impossibly named Darnell Swallow, an Albino black guy and former drug dealer, who found his fame and fortune as a Big Brother contestant. Not, as you might have thought, as an expert NBA analyst. But apparently that's not important to whether you get a job promoting the NBA or not. Nope. Not in Britain. Not when Five are involved.

At some point, I will turn this constant complaining into a hopefully-read letter of complaint to the TV channel in question, in doing so hopefully sparking a chain of rebellious events that sees the current regime overthrown and a new militant republic taking charge, leading the people to a promised land of analysis, insight and telestrators. But for now I'll just piss and whinge in this blog.

(Congratulations to Darnell, by the way, who has somehow turned a shady past and congenital skin defect into a television career that sees him feature in sporting broadcasts that he's dangerously underqualified for. That takes some doing. Actually, wait, what am I saying? He's not underqualified at all. He's black and has an American accent. He must LOVE basketball.)


Also, on a completely unrelated note, last night I dreamt that Allen Iverson sent me a text message containing a joke about Hitler, and that former Sacramento Kings summer league participant Patrick Sanders berated me at knifepoint about some gossip I had written in this blog that told about how he once shared a bed with Milwaukee Bucks guard, Luke Ridnour (which, I should stress for legal reasons, is something that never happened. Or if it did, it's a coincidence.) I just wanted to tell someone this. It worried me.

I think I need some therapy.

Preview Sort Of Thing: Milwaukee Bucks

The Milwaukee Bucks and their new head coach Scott Skiles are an eclectic mix. Recent Skiles-free Bucks teams have been capable of repeated instances of spectacularly bad defense, whereas recent Skiles-led Bulls teams (last year excluded) have been one of the best defensive units in the NBA. Make no mistake about it - Scott Skiles can coach defense. He really can. He even made Michael Sweetney and Eddy Curry into decent defensive players, briefly.

In theory, therefore, a union of the two will bring the much needed defensive improvement to an offensively strong Milwaukee lineup. Or at least, that's one way to look at it. Alternatively, Milwaukee might have just hired a coach that them away from their strengths, further exposing the flaws in their personel. This could go either way.

For every Skiles strength, there is a big Skiles flaw. While he's shown that he can teach help defense to those players previously written off as futile, he also has an awful playbook. While he can coach guards onto better things, he can't coach big men, yet insists that he can. For every young player that thrives under his guidance, one more will be alienated and broken. For every amusing sarcastic comment he makes to the press, he'll make someone hate him. And for every glimpse of the remaining strip of hair across his head that he claims as a hairline......well, actually, there's no flaw to that, it's awesome.

Perhaps mercifully, the Bucks don't have too many young players. Their identity as a veteran team looking for something to push them back into contention was cemented this summer, when they dealt the closest thing that they had to a promising youngster - Yi Jianlian - as the primary piece for an in-his-prime Richard Jefferson. In free agency, the Bucks picked up Skiles's bitch, Malik Allen, as well as other veteran backups Tyronn Lue and Francisco Elson. Trading away Mo Williams saw the Bucks get little of use back on the court, but they did receive Adrian Griffin, Skiles's other bitch, and another old fart with no potential. These moves combined to send out a rather clear signal - they'd quite like to make the playoffs next year, please.

It's probably true to say that the core of Bucks players would be good enough to compete for the East if you significantly improved their defense. They have weapons, after all. Along with one of the league's best shooters in Michael Redd, the Bucks boast the vastly improved Andrew Bogut playing exclusively in the posts. They also now offer 20 point scoring small forward Richard Jefferson and 48 point scoring power forward Charlie Vllanueva, who both offer something of an inside/outside game. And while the point guard duo of Luke Ridnour and Ramon Sessions offer little outside shooting, they're willing and able to pass, which should help.

But it's not as easy as just adding a shit-hot defensive coach. Scott Skiles has clearly defined strengths, thereby seperating him from many NBA coaches (hello, Larry Krystowiak!), but he also has his flaws. Even in the early going, these flaws are showing through. The Sessions/Griffin/Fresh Prince/Allen/Elson lineup has already reared its ugly head on more than once occasion in preseason, and if you want to excuse its presence as being injury- or preseason-induced, then you need to start bracing yourself, because Scott Skiles is VERY willing and able to use Malik Allen as a go-to guy. You have been warned. (Note: this threat is doubly true, given that Allen represents the Bucks' best pick and pop option. Pick and pops are about the limit of Skiles's playbook creativity. Expect Andrew Bogut to be involved in dozens of them, irrespective of his complete lack of a jumpshot.)

That lineup represents the Bucks' closest replication of what Scott Skiles loves more than anything as a coach: players who don't make silly mistakes, talent be damned. If that unit - or any unit - can't get a shot off in 24 seconds, or even get the ball over halfcourt, then no matter, just as long as they rotate on defense and don't get all unnecessarily talented on his ass. This is why thinly veiled threats to start Allen (or Mbah A Moute) over Villanueva have already been made. Villanueva's talent level makes him a far better option at satrting power forward than any possible Bucks alternative, yet precisely because of the nature of his flaws, he may lose playing time. As a coaching philosophy, this mistake-free, defense-first-and-only style gets your players and your team to a certain level of production and success. And then it will keep you there.

Of course, I'm biased. I've watched all bar about seven games of Scott Skiles's tenure, and while I used to defend him vigorously, those days passed once his flaws became more evident. I've witnessed Kirk Hinrich become temporarily brilliant, and yet I've witnessed Tyson Chandler emerge into an elite rebounder and useful offensive presence....for someone else. I've seen Chris Duhon play 8000 minutes, and yet I've seen Thabo Sefolosha become damaged irrepairably. I've seen a Bulls roster overhauled, gain an identity, assume a certain style of play, overachieve, tune out their coach, and fall apart. And it's affected my bias somewhat. I refuse to apologise for this.

Scott Skiles is a coach, whose CV screams "short term improvements". He has been united with a previously mismanaged team, now primarily focused on finding "short term improvements". That team's weaknesses fit in perfectly with Skiles's strengths. The fit is so perfect that it shouldn't be allowed.

And yet, I'm not convinced. Because I've been there.


Short term future: They'll be better than under Krystkowiak, mainly due to the loss of Krystkowiak. Scott Skiles at least knows what he's doing, and half the team will benefit from it. The other half will be moved.
Long term future: See the above Bulls cycle. I'd like to be wrong.

Summer signings, round 17

.....And by "signings", I mean "one big six player trade and some bland filler, cared about by no one but I". Note: grammar may not be as blazingly shit hot as author's nationaliy would suggest.

- James Augustine has signed with Gran Canaria in Spain, where he'll play alongside Joel Freeland. It is unlikely, however, that Augustine will play as well as Freeland, because Freeland is a freakin' legend. Also, I am still awaiting answers on how Augustine was waived by the Magic when he wasn't under contract. Did someone misreport his qualifying offer being retracted, or did he sign a contract reaaaaaaally quietly just to be waived within a few weeks? Someone tell me, because I care too much.

- Ronald Murray signed with the Atlanta Hawks. Do the Hawks really need another backup guard that can't shoot, when they have Acie Law, Speedy Claxton and Maurice Evans already? I doubt it. Nooooo, what they need is a good shooter. Like, say, Salim Stoudamire. (Readers note: I know that Maurice Evans has, somehow, developed himself into a good outside shooter, despite only using one hand to do so. But for some reason, my instinctive reaction is always to assume that Evans still can't shoot, even though he clearly can. I am holding something that isn't Evans's fault, or that is even true, against Maurice Evans, purely to make a petty point that doesn't even make sense. But whatever. Shut up. I'm having fun.)

- Andre Barrett signed with Barcelona, where he will combine with Juan Carlos Navarro to form what is officially the smallest backcourt in the history of professional basketball. (Note: may not be official.)

- Josh Powell signed with the L.A. Lakers after being waived by the Clippers at the end of last month. Now here's what I'm wondering: did Josh Powell have a house in L.A., and did he sell it once the Clippers waived him? Because, if so, whoops. On a more important basketball level: good move, Lakers.

- Andre Iguodala re-signed with the Philadelphia Sixers for lots of money, a comparable if not identical sum to that of Luol Deng before him. Most websites would lead with this announcement. This website leads with James Augustine. If you don't like that, go view another website. (Readers note: do not go view another website.)

- Brandon Bowman has signed with Telekom in Germany. If anybody wants an unpaid research job, do me a favour, and go research how many players have left the NBA (training camps count), signed in the German league, and been able to make it back to the big dance. Off the top of my head, I can't think of any, and I can't be bothered to look it up due to the inherent pointlessness of doing so. So feel free to do it for me.

- Damir Markota - him of the experience - has signed with Cibona Zagreb. Must have good clubs there. (Basketball clubs, obviously.)


- And finally, something interesting. It's time for a threesome.

Cleveland acquires Maurice Williams
Cleveland trades Damon Jones and Joe Smith

Milwaukee acquires Luke Ridnour, Damon Jones and Adrian Griffin
Milwaukee trades Maurice Williams and Desmond Mason.

Oklahoma City acquires Joe Smith and Desmond Mason.
Oklahoma City trades Luke Ridnour and Adrian Griffin.


Oklahoma City gets two decent players and $10 million in expirings for what essentially constitutes nothing at all. Cleveland gets the best player in the deal for two rather redundant expiring contracts. Meanwhile, Milwaukee trades the best player, arguably the third best player, and receives a whole sack of shit in return.

Hmmm.

I know why they did it. I think we all do - the pairing of Maurice Williams and Michael Redd wasn't working out, never foreseeably could, and needed splitting up. I get that much. But, if you've just traded the contract of Bobby Simmons for an in-his-prime Richard Jefferson, does this not signify that:

a) You'd quite like to win now?
b) You're probably not going for the ol' 2010 plan?

So when why you dump one of your better players (and a decent backup in Mason) for another backup and some filler, just to save some money? It's not like Ridnour is even expiring, and if the Bucks perceive that he has some vital usage for them on the court, they're wrong on that.

By all means trade Williams. Break up the worst defensive backcourt in basketball. Open the way for Ramon Sessions. Save a few quid. But at least get a decent player in return. May I suggest a power forward that isn't Charlie Villanueva as a decent starting point.

Was this really the best deal out there? They couldn't get back a player better than Luke freakin' Ridnour for a 17/6 scoring guard? One whom they just tied in to a market value long term contract?

I hope that it was. I also hope that it wasn't.


(Also, the Ron Artest trade that was talked about earlier finally went down. But you probably knew that already.)

Send Antoine Walker to the All-Star Game

As Wordsworth once observed, "the child is the father of the man". I am now a man, but was once a child. However, while I am now a man, I am still a child inside. So maybe that sneaky bastard was onto something when he said this.

As a childish man, I play childish games. I have childish dreams, and childish tendencies. And one thing I've always wanted to childishly do is send a scrub to the All Star game.

I'd like to now make this a reality. In the NBA's overzealous attempts for parity, they tend to include some crap players on the ballot to give fans of all teams someone to vote for.

They've toned it down a bit from how it used to be, when the ballots were bigger. But still, some mediocre (or bad) players creep up onto the ballot every year. And we should capitalise on this.

Here's the players on it:

http://www.nba.com/news/ballot_071113.html

You can also submit write-in votes for players not on it.

The online voting doesn't exist yet, but when it does, each person is allowed to vote multiple times for whoever they want. This easily abusable system got Yao Ming voted in as a starter in 2002 when he didn't even nearly deserve it, because the whole of China voted for him.

It's the right time for that system to be abused again.

Antoine Walker would be best for this, because he is the worst player on the ballot by a mile. Currently nailed to Minnesota's bench, and never any good anyway, Walker is a stand out name on there. He's also fat, funny, and would believe in his own heart that he was there on merit, not as the result of a joke. He's also listed as a guard, which improves the probability of Tony Parker not making the team, And that's another positive side effect.

If we were to choose a real scrub like Thomas Gardner or somebody, we'd all have to submit write-in votes, and most people are too lazy for that. If it involves merely clicking, then we can make it happen. That's why a name that is on the ballot has to be chosen.

So what we need to do, when online voting comes around, is to vote for Walker many millions of times so that he is voted in as a starter. And I mean maaaaaaany times. As often as you can. Tell your friends, get them to do it.

This NEEDS TO HAPPEN.



If you want to go balls out and vote repeatedly for the Ridnour/Walker/Szczerbiak/Scola/Brad Miller Western lineup, please do.