We Have Matt Garza And You Don't

I feel like I should brag or something.

So, I will!



TAMPA BAY RAYS!!!


For some reason, I've forgotten how to enjoy sports. Ever since crying my pre-teen eyes out after Nayim scored the luckiest fucking goal in human history (a cry exacerbated by stubbing my pre-teen toe on the doorframe while angrily storming out of the room; I'm not sure which hurt more), I've kind of detatched myself from the emotion of sport. I expect Arsenal to win every game that they play, but get around the emotional aspect of it all by never talking about football in real life and by rarely watching the games. I expect England to underachieve at everything that they participate in, and get around the emotional aspect of it all by having those expectations continually fulfilled. And I expect the Bulls to disappoint me endlessly, getting around the emotional side of things by spending so much time following the sport of basketball that I am nothing but a passionless wreck. (Readers note: I'm single. Being passionless and going to bed at 6am every day will do that to a man.)

Baseball is exempt from this bland unemotive behaviour, though. Despite it being far from the sport that I enjoy the most, it's the only sport in which I can enjoy sport. Maybe feeling like that makes me insane, or maybe that sentence was just codshit. The grammar certainly doesn't suggest that I have any idea what the hell I just said. But I stand by it nonetheless.

When it comes to basketball, I'll watch any old shit that I happen to come across. (Giggidy.) I'll watch ABA games, and a few years of doing so has bettered my understanding of Ace Custis's defense, Darryl Dawkins's wardrobe, and Olden Polynice's maverick free throw routines. I'll watch Cameroon versus Angola, if it means I can get a Cucumber Amootay player profile out of it. And I saw more of the women's basketball during the Olympics than the men's, although this wasn't really my fault. (See also: previous post about crappy basketball coverage in England.) But with baseball, I can only watch games that the Rays are in. It's just not that interesting of a game otherwise. You can tell what happened in a box score, without watching a single moment of the action. It's arguably the only sport that it's more enjoyable not to watch.

Watching the games of only one team allows me something that other sports just don't offer: I can be a fan again. As deeply and obsessively as I follow the NBA - and the Chicago Bulls in particular - I learnt how to stop taking losses personally about five years ago. (Tip: don't talk to other fans.) Without that, I had lost the most important part of fandom. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, as it will allow for a far easier time when I get that assistant general manager's job with another franchise that seems so inevitable to a man of such pedigree and qualifications, but it also sucks a little in ways that I shouldn't need to explain. Not so with baseball. I only know and care about one team. That allows for blind passion. And blind passion is awesome when it goes right.

I don't know why I support the Rays. I just sort of do. My first few years of casually watching baseball drew me towards the Atlanta Braves, mainly because they were the only tesm on telly. But after becoming an avid box score watching nerdy old sadarse back in 2005, I found myself always checking the Rays boxscores first. I don't know why. Maybe I'm heavily depressed without realising it. Or maybe I just love false hope.

Either way, it's false hope no more. The Rays are now, officialy, the best team in the American League. I was there for it, watching every minute of almost every game. (I fell asleep during the seventh inning stretch of game 5, which turned out to be an piece of accidental genius.) And I've never had more fun as a sports fan than game seven just now.

In a matter of days, the Rays will soon be the unequivocal best baseball team in the world. Join the bandwagon now, before people start hating you for it. Pink hats not available in the foyer.

Summer signings, round 22

- A while ago, I helpfully wrote this.

Taurean Green is about to sign with some team in some country in Europe. And I forgot to write down who and where.

Well, I now know! Green has signed with CAI Zaragoza, which is a team in Spain. ShamSports.com - where uninteresting news is broken later than on other sites, and not very informatively at that.

- Oklahoma City signed Kyle Weaver, which gives them something they otherwise sorely lack - a shooting guard. (I mean, they have a looooooot of forwards. Desmond Mason and Joe Smith are only there as expirings, even though they are decent players. But even without them there's too much forward depth going on. This is making my great plan to pawn Cedric Simmons off onto them slightly harder to achieve.)

- There was a weird trade what happened, there be. Houston traded Patrick Ewing to New York for the draft rights to Frederic Weis. Houston did this for the same reasons that they traded Sean Singletary and Steve Novak before him - to dump salary so that they can re-sign Carl Landry and Dikembe Mutombo. But it must be pretty weird for Ewing Jr to be going to the team where his old man is revered as a bit of a legend, when he himself is going to struggle to make the regular season active roster. I can only imagine that that adds more pressure to a pretty desperate situation.

(Also, re: the Knicks - you trade away Renaldo Balkman because he doesn't "fit in", and then you trade for Patrick Ewing Jr. Hmmm. What did I miss?)

As for the hows and whys of Weis's involvement, read the bottom half of this page. I KNEW that writing all that bobbins would be worth it one day!

- And finally (yes, so soon!), Hapoel Holon signed Deron Washington, who will pair up with P.J. Tucker to form what no one is calling "The Wing Of Dreams". Speaking of Deron Washington, here is a list of all of this year's second rounders and what they've done with their lives, as well as possibly some nob jokes.



- Nikola Pekovic is signed in Europe, as well Minnesota knew when they drafted him. He has moved from Partizan Belgrade to Panathinaikos. He's also the eponymous star of a slightly pornographic Eastern European remake of Buffy The Vampire Slayer.

- Walter Sharpe signed with the Detroit Pistons, and I forgot to tell you. Sorry.

- Joey Dorsey has not yet signed with the Houston Rockets, but he will do.

- Mario Chalmers has signed a three year deal with the Heat, who nevertheless have said that he won't be the starter next year. Which means that, by default, Marcus Banks or Chris Quinn will be. That can't be good. But it could be worse. It could be Stephon Marbury.

- DeAndre Jordan signed with the Clippers, as mentioned repeatedly already.

- Omer Asik isn't going to join the Bulls for at least two years, as he is signed with Fenerbache until that time. When he does join the NBA, he's probably going to be brilliant.

- Cucumber A Moute is signed with the Bucks and currently represents every decent defensive forward that they have.

- Kyle Weaver - look up, towards the bit where it says "Oklahoma City signs" and then where it says "Kyle Weaver" immediately afterwards.

- Sonny Weems is unsigned and recovering from hernia surgery. Will Denver sign him for camp? Probably. Do I have evidence of that? Nope.

- Chris Douglas-Roberts signed with New Jersey. I forgot to tell you this, too.

- Nathan Jawai signed with Toronto. I forgot to tell you this, too, too.

- Sean Singletary signed with Sacramento, then got traded to Houston, then got traded to Phoenix. Bobby Jones is worried. But Phoenix is expected to keep him now.

- Patrick Ewing also signed with Sacramento. Patrick Ewing also got traded to Houston. But, in a move that seperates him from the Sean Singletarys of this world, Ewing was then traded to New York. (Confusing, I know.) Look up for scorn.

- Ante Tomic......err, well, I can't find anything definitive either way, but I'd basically guarantee he's not signing this year. He's not signed a deal with the Jazz, and Kyrylo Fesenko and Kosta Koufos are already under contract. So why bring in Tomic? Who needs three tall European centres?

- Goran Dragic was the compelling protagonist of a "will he won't he" love epic that still hasn't entirely finished yet. It is said that he will sign with the Suns, but he hasn't done so yet.

- Trent Plaisted is signed with Angellico Biella in Italy.

- Bill Walker signed with the Celtics.

- Malik Hairston is unsigned and probably at least going to camp with the Spurs. I say that with nothing to back it up other than the fact that he's a Spurs draft pick who hasn't signed in Europe yet. If you have Malik Hairston news (I can find none! What the deuce!), fire it off below.

- Richard Hendrix signed with the Warriors way back in the day.

- DeVon Hardin signed with Belediyespor in Turkey.

- Shan Foster is signed with Juve Caserta in Italy.

- Darnell Jackson will be going to camp with the Cavaliers, which is a Python-esque sentence if you don't know what your NBA lingo.

- Tadija Dragicevic is staying with Red Star Belgrade (Crvena Zvezda) for at least one more season.

- Maarty Leunen is, according to the Rockets, destined for Europe. But Leunen hasn't signed there yet, perhaps hoping that the Rockets will miss Steve Novak more than they thought. If this wild unsubstantiated theory is in any way true......Maarty, don't bother going to Houston's camp this year. They'll just cut you. They can't even seem to fit Carl Landry in, for God's sake.

- Mike Taylor signed with the Clippers a good long while ago.

- Sasha Kaun signed with CSKA Moscow back on part two of this summer signings list. Bloody hell. That was ages ago. I'm still shooting for fifty, by the way, despite the fact that the news is drying up thick and fast. I'll invent it if I have to.

- James Gist has also signed with Angellico Biella.

- Joe Crawford signed with the Lakers already.

- Deron Washington - look up.

- Semih Erden isn't coming over this year. (Giggidy.)


As for the first rounders, everyone signed with their team, apart from George Hill (who should do, last I heard), and Serge Ibaka (who won't).

Hey look, only one cock joke!