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Come Back, Baby Come Back
As you might presently yourself fully be aware of, my grammar sucks. Also, you might have noticed that nothing has happened around here lately. Well, it's OK, I'm here. Thanks to those of you who showed genuine concern as to whether I was maimed, imprisoned, dead, or worse. You're very compassionate, kind-hearted and sincere, traits that will inevitably lead to a joyful existence on the heavenly half of the afterlife. Conversely, fuck off to those of you who showed anger and resentment at my lack of posting and/or site updates, as if I was in some way contractually obliged to do what you want, when you wanted it. May I remind you that this is a free website, with no adverts, greatly superior to every comparable website on the internet (particularly with regards to the colour scheme) run by a man who frankly you should spend a good 90 minutes of every day praising, rejoicing, and fellating. You'll get what you're given, as and when I choose to give it. You hell-destined bar stewards. The actual answer to the age-old question of "where the hell were you?" is that I was on holiday. I went to the Costa Del Sol, in November, escaping the classic British grey of November time. So you can see why that was more fun than calculating Rob Kurz's salary for the remainder of the season. Do you want to see my holiday photos? Ch'yeah you do! Here are some of my holiday photos!  The Sun. It was hot. I burnt.  My burn.  A fat woman whose arse seemed to have no seam. (Identity concealed, expertly.)  The mighty Grunkel television that kept us entertained with German versions of Remington Steele and soft core pornography all week long. No, I don't know why all Spanish television is German either.  A dog curling one out.  A dead fish. Now that I've been sufficiently self-effacing and boring in equal measure, here are my thoughts on stuff, for all those who struggled to go a full week without my aggressive and misguided thoughts on stuff. 1: I didn't initially know who I liked the Denver/ Detroit deal for most when it happened, if either. But in the week or so that I've spent lying on beaches not thinking about it, I've decided I like it for both teams. Detroit gets the better player and the best salary in Allen Iverson, which can never be a bad combination, while Denver switches up a core that was never going to work anyway, almost getting under the luxury tax in the process. (After Antonio McDyess's buyout, Denver is now no more than a small dollop over their eternal enemy, the luxury tax threshold. If they waft a pick Memphis's way, they should be able to dump Chucky Atkins, whose salary for next year is only $760,000 guaranteed, thus not affecting Memphis's 2009 cap space plan much. This move gets Denver under the tax, finally, and it need only cost them the pick that they got from Charlotte for Alexis Ajinca to do it. Also note that I'm just an ideas man, not a soothsayer. Houston would be sensible to do much the same with Steve Francis, who is entirely surplus to requirements in both Memphis and Houston, and whose salary is keeping the Rockets in the tax territory. But his expiring is tolerable for the Grizzlies with apt sweeteners. With those two deals, Memphis could gain two picks without changing their long or short term plans, while Houston and Denver save lots of money on players and picks that they don't need. To me, this makes sense. Does that mean it will happen? No. But, between now and February, I'd place a call. Boy, this bracket got a bit long.) (Oh, by the way - the combined $34 million in expirings that Detroit can now offer up with Iverson and Rasheed Wallace makes that Kwame Brown deal look even worse. Whoops.) 2: I forgot to post my Houston and Phoenix previews before going away. If you want them, send an email. Enclose money. 3: I really can't stand Bob Ortegal. In the years that I've listened to him, I can't remember one single insightful or interesting comment. Now, history tells me that when you question a team's announcing duo, fans of that team will then try to kill you with words and insults, so I expect Dallas fans to now do much the same. But, seriously. Take a step back and reanalyse. He's awful. There's no chemistry, no humour, no insight and you know for a bloody fact that he's never watched a game that he hasn't commentated on. (For example, take Dallas's preseason game versus Chicago. Ortegal admits he's never seen Derrick Rose play before, concludes after two drives that Rose only goes to his left, and then spends the rest of the night finding excuses for every time Rose went right. That's so dumb, I should have said it.) There exists only a dull, repetitive retelling of what the replay he's "analysing" depicts. And any old bastard can do that. I just wanted to vent this. 4: The Bulls suck in a variety of ways, which is a shame. Good luck John. (By the way, last night I dreamt that Paxson unretired and filled the Bulls current backup point guard void, proof if it were needed that I didn't have any fleeting holiday romances. After having seen they signed Lindsey Hunter, I kind of wish it had come true.) 5: In keeping with this website's continued attempts to be better than everybody else, here's next year's free agents. 6: When it happened, I nearly wrote something in this blog about the Pau Gasol trade. In contrast to the opinions of everyone else in the world, I was keeping to leap in and defend the Grizzlies' end of the trade. But I didn't, because I couldn't be bothered. I've rued that laziness for a while, so let me go on the record now, despite it being a bit late since the secret of the awesomeness of Marc Gasol got out: Memphis did all right. When your mandate is to make a salary dump, and you wind up getting the second biggest expiring contract in the league, you're off to a good start. But in addition to that, the Grizzlies got good young talent that people don't acknowledge. As well as Kwame Brown's salary, the Grizzlies got back Javaris Crittenton (good young guard, with emphasis on the "young" - he's still only 20), and the rights to Marc Gasol (a starting calibre NBA centre, whether you knew of this in advance or not). The Grizzlies also two first round picks from the Lakers, one of which has become Darrell Arthur, their 20 year old starting power forward formerly thought to be a high lottery pick. They still have their other pick to come, along with almost double maximum cap room, while taking back not one bad contract or inconsequential player in the deal. That's a good return on a one-time-All-Star power forward, particularly when you only wanted to dump salary. What we may have witnessed here is a win-win trade, where both teams get what they wanted and improved as a result. This should be the result of every trade, and we shouldn't try to find only one winner to the deal. The Lakers clearly benefitted greatly from the deal, but Memphis won too. Yes, such a conclusion is entirely possible. There. The balance is redressed. Now take out the bits about Darrell Arthur, and pretend I wrote that in February. Labels: Allen Iverson, Antonio McDyess, Chucky Atkins, Darrell Arthur, Grizzlies, Javaris Crittenton, Kwame Brown, Lindsey Hunter, Marc Gasol, Nuggets, Pau Gasol, Pistons, Rob Kurz, Rockets, Steve Francis
Summer signings, round 11
- Darius Rice has left the immortally named Purefoods Tender Juicy Giants from the Phillipines, and is about to sign with Montegranaro in Italy. I think that translates as "Bread Mountain". I hope it does, anyway. - A previous blog post talked about how Ivan Radenovic had had his contract with Akasvayu Girona extended. That news is now bunkum, for Girona have gone bankrupt, and are not playing this upcoming season. This leaves Radenovic now unsigned, unattacthed, undervalued and undernourish. (I still want you to buy Scouting For Girls CD's, by the way. I will keep pushing this until you do it. Buy buy buy.) - The "points per shot" fans amongst us - basically me and me only - were extremely moist to hear that the Philadelphia 76ers have signed shooting guard Kareem Rush to form an incisive and efficient off-guard partnership with the incumbent Willie Green. These two players have a role to play for the Sixers, in that they are the only two guards currently under contract who can actually hit a three point shot. This is a positive. But the negative side-effect is that both of these players are really, really bad. The pair are both deemed "one dimensional scorers", but neither is any good at scoring. Willie Green last season scored 921 points on 870 shots, for a spectacularly bad 1.06 points per shot, a number that still somehow managed to raise his career average to a heady 1.02. Rush is even worse, scoring 588 points on 569 shots last year for a 1.03 PPS average, against a catastrophic career average of 1.01. Yeesh. For the sake of a point of reference, free agent Sixers backup point guard Kevin Ollie has a career points per shot average of a modest 1.21. That from a man who has 9 made career three pointers. Technically, if you need someone to hit a shot, you are better served going to Kevin Ollie than Kareem Rush or Willie Green. While that statement lacks important context....it's something to think about. Supposed "scorers" suck at scoring, and it's not difficult to see this. - In one of the more bizarre moves of the offseason so far, the Detroit Pistons signed Kwame Brown for $8 million over 2 years. How the HELL does Kwame Brown still keep getting these huge salaries? Have people not noticed that he's really bad, and has gotten worse for 4 years? (Hey, do you remember when Kwame Brown was an athletic power forward with a decent face-up offensive game, reasonable touch, a shot, and the ability to catch? Yeah, me too. I want that Kwame back. Not this slow old centre who doesn't need to try or care anymore as people keep paying him anyway.) - Former Net prospect Mile Ilic has signed for two years with Cajasol Sevilla in Spain. He replaces English legend, Andy Betts. I am not happy about this. - The L.A. Clippers have used the last of their cap space on Ricky Davis. In terms of value, it's not a bad signing. The same could be said of their acquisition of Marcus Camby and Baron Davis. But what the Clippers have now is a nice veteran team, that isn't going anywhere. They might make the playoffs, but what then? What's going to put them over the top? Not sure. But, still. It'll be nice to have at least that, I guess. (Bonus points to Art Vandelay for making the Joke I Wish I'd Thought Of: "I guess Baron Davis was just an addition to help Ricky score." If you don't know what that references, you suck.) The Clippers are also reportedly talking to Shaun Livingston and Paul Davis, both of whom they have already renounced, but both of which would be decent pickups for the minimum. All told, they've had a reasonable if mismanaged offseason. - Pistons draft pick Trent Plaisted has signed with Angellico Biella in Italy. You know that joke that I always make about Angellico Biella? Well, I'm not going to make it this time. No way. Nope. Non. Nein. - The Raptors signed Will Solomon on the basis that they needed a third point guard, and they hadn't signed anyone from a European league for about three weeks. (I'm sorry, but if they want the stereotype to stop, they know what to do.) The fact that Solomon isn't really a point guard is something we'll overlook for the moment. - Consistent NBA oversight Zendon Hamilton is still fighting the good fight, switching Russian teams from Enisey Krasnoyarsk to Spartak Primorie Vladivostok. Hamilton averaged 19ppg and 8.4 rpg last season on a really bad team, which is something that I just wanted you to know. - Finally tonight, a rumour. The Bulls are apparently talking to the Kings about a trade that would involve Brad Miller, Cedric Simmons, Andres Nocioni and a lottery protected first round pick. The link comes from this blog, which you will never have heard of before, because it hasn't existed for very long. Normally, this is the kind of thing we should disregard off-handedly, but the guy who runs the blog has a proven reputation, and has been breaking Bulls news for a number of years now. Just not in the form of that blog. (He has a family connection within the Bulls front office, or something. Can't remember exactly.) Will it come to fruition? I don't know. I hope so. But if it does, remember that you heard it here first. And if it doesn't, remember that you heard it there and there only, and all I did was steer you towards it, thus this is in no way my fault. Labels: Andres Nocioni, Andrew Betts, Brad Miller, Cedric Simmons, Darius Rice, Ivan Radenovic, Kareem Rush, Kwame Brown, Mile Ilic, Ricky Davis, Trent Plaisted, Willie Green, Willie Solomon, Zendon Hamilton
Top 24 NBA Sex Scandals Of The Last 15 Years
In case you missed it, a story "broke" (if that's the right way to phrase something that's been around, but underacknowledged, since about 1998) NBA legend Karl Malone knocked up a 13 year old girl when he was a college player. Why this has gone past us so quietly is a mystery, but it does seem to be just one more in a long list of recent NBA sex scandals. And so here is that list. Stories listed in no particular order. LIST OF NBA PLAYERS (and owners) IN RAPE/WEIRD NAUGHTY SEX STUFF SCANDALS: 1 - Karl Malone: See above. 2 - Bryant Matthews: Former Raptor (for about a week) only got out of jail earlier this year for a rape charge in which he walked in on his friend and his friend's girlfriend having sex in a hotel room, and stuck his fingers in her lovely lady lump. His in-court defense was "[I] thought she was cool with it". Apparently she wasn't. Served nine months. 3 - DeShawn Stevenson: Had consensual sex with a 14 year old when he was 20, which isn't rape in the she-didn't-want-it sense, but which is clearly statutory. Pleaded no contest to sex with a minor. Was sentenced to 2 years probation and 100 hours of community service, which somewhat sadistically was served at a "Boys And Girls" club. 4 - Ruben Patterson: Sentenced to a year in jail (all but 15 days of which were suspended) after pleading no contest to an attempted rape charge on his nanny. Allegedly, she came in to find Patterson standing naked, masturbating. He then forced her to gigoogidy his gerschmoigin, and ejaculated within seconds. Only then did he let her leave. Allegedly. Also fined $100,000 by the Blazers, which seemed a little ironic since they'd just given him $35 million, even with this charge hanging over him. Additionally received 2 years probation, a $5,000 fine and had to pay the nanny. 5 - Chris Webber and Juwan Howard: Accused of sexual assault. Jury decided not to indict. Howard later sued the accuser, won, and donated his $100,000 settlement to a rape crisis centre. 6 - Ron Mercer, Antoine Walker and Chauncey Billups: Details on this are sparse, but apparently they were sued for rape. Why would you sue for rape? Why wouldn't you press charges? I don't get it. Either way, no charges were brought, and an out-of-court settlement was reached. (The incident took place at Walker's home, where - allegedly - he walked in on the act, and declined his housemate Michael Irvin's invitation to dive right in there. Strange times.) 7 - Andray Blatche: Arrested and charged with solicitation. Was sentenced to attend a day's seminar on the dangers of prostitution, which seems like no punishment whatsoever. 8 - Kwame Brown: Accused of sexual assault after a playoff game. No charges brought due to a lack of evidence. The woman in question admitted to a consensual encounter, and then apparently it got less consensual. But that doesn't explain why she then hung around for hours afterwards. 9 - Kobe Bryant: Yeah, you know this story. Case dropped in criminal court, settlement reached in civil court. 10 - Jahidi White: Investigated for sexual assault. Details extremely absent. No charges. (Rumour has it that it involved a nude Oriental lady and a fat white chick. And lots of crying. Allegedly.) 11 - Julius Hodge: Accused of sexual assault on a Denver woman. The woman claimed that, after driving her back to her house after being at a club, Hodge forced her onto the bed and tried to rape her. No charges were brought due to lack of evidence. The woman was then jailed for violating her concurrent probation by being out that late. 12 - Michael Olowokandi: Sued for rape by a woman who claims that the encounter led to the less-than-immaculate conception. Can't seem to find out what became of this. 13 - Mo Peterson, Cliff Robinson, Juwan Howard again: All sued at some point for allegedly deliberating infecting someone with herpes. In Juwan's case, it happened twice. The suit against Robinson was for an enormous $20 million, and tests showed that he did (does?) indeed have it. (The herpes, not the $20 million.) 14 - Sam Cassell: Accused of rape way back in 1996. No charges brought. 15 - Elden Campbell: Sued for an apparent date rape, in which he allegedly drugged someone before raping them. I don't know what became of this, because it was back in 1997, and my only source of research is the internet. And the internet wasn't much back in 1997. But obviously not much came of it, or else we would have known about it. Date rape is a pretty bloody serious allegation, after all. 16 - Latrell Sprewell: Investigated for sexual assault after apparently choking a woman he was having consensual sex with on his boat. Don't know what became of this, which implies that it was probably nothing. (But he did later have the boat repossessed.) 17 - Donald Sterling: Admitted to paying a woman for sex for a numbers of years. The story offered up some awesome quotes. 18 - George Shinn: Accused of a kidnapping-for-sex charge, after allegedly luring a woman whom he knew was addicted to prescription drugs to his home, and shagging her. Admitted to having sex with her, but said it was consensual. No criminal charges were brought, and acquitted in civil court. 19 - Bobby Simmons: Arrested for misdemeanour fourth degree assault after allegedly fondling the breasts of a woman who got into his car in the early hours of the morning, and then punching her in the face. Charges not brought due to lack of evidence. 20 - Bernard Robinson Jr: Arrested and charged with assault and battery on a female student after touching her up in a stairwell. Sentenced to a year's probation which included such terms as a written letter of apology, never talking to the girl again, being fined $850, complete abstention from drugs and alcohol, and being forced to partcipiate in sex offender "screening" to see if he had serial sex offender tendencies. That must have been soul destroying. 21 - Justin Williams: Accused of rape. Later dropped. It never became official, but his lawyer alluded to the fact that he did nail the chick while on camera, which would have been rather conclusive in a court of law as to the level of consensual loving. 22 - Calvin Murphy: Former player and Rockets announcer accused of sexual abuse by 5 of his illegitimate children (he has 14 kids, 11 illegitimate). Jury acquitted him in less than two hours. But he lost his job and his reputation, so the damage was done. 23 - Eddie Johnson: "Fast" Eddie Johnson (not the other Eddie Johnson, the sixth man award winner, but the one who is a former Hawks player) was accused of sexual assault on an 8 year old girl. As far as I can tell, he is awaiting sentencing, but that may be wrong. 24 - Nick Anderson: Accused of rape. Held a press conference on the subject in which he cried a lot, Add any of your own. (Not "add any of your own rape charges", but "add any of your own submissions for NBA players sex scandals that I may have missed.) Labels: Andray Blatche, Antoine Walker, Bryant Matthews, Chauncey Billups, Chris Webber, DeShawn Stevenson, Julius Hodge, Juwan Howard, Kwame Brown, News Worth Knowing, Ron Mercer, Ruben Patterson
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