I'm A Sailor Peg, And I've Lost My Leg

I feel obligated to write something about the Bulls/Celtics series. It has been untold drama, brilliant excitement, and well worth the fortnight of 7am finishes. It's been better than Megan Fox's shadow, worse than De Niro's moustache in Cop Land, and awesome to a fault. And I feel inclined to write something that describes it all.

But the truth is, I don't want to. I don't think I can. The series has been so unilaterally brilliant, so unrivalled in its drama and so and flawlessly flawed in its execution, that I'm not capable of writing the words to accurately describe it. I don't think anyone is. It's as though someone decided the Coach Carter series of films should rival Police Academy, wrote seven of the most implausibly cheesy scripts ever written, and nailed them all on the first take in front of an audience of millions. The drama, for lack of a better word, is perfect.

Disregard game three for a minute. (The Bulls forgot to turn up to that one, so it's best we pretend that it didn't happen.) Over the other 5 games, the other 275 minutes, and the 1000 or so possessions, the difference between the two team's aggregate score is 1 freaking point. There have been 7 overtimes in 4 games, and one game that was decided in the final second of regulation. Never before has there even been more than 2 overtime games in a series. And yet we're at 4 already, with one still to play.

It is almost unfathomable how close these two teams are. It will never happen again. It doesn't matter now about the peculiar series of events that made it this way; what we have now, quite possibly, are the two most evenly matched teams in the sport's history. All the planets have aligned, and this is the basketball equinox.

How many plays have there been that, if only minutely different, would have meant the series was over by now? I mean, seriously, how many things only had to go ever so slightly differently for the result to be different? What if Rajon Rondo was called for the goaltend of Kirk Hinrich's layup? What if Eddie House knew where the three point line was? What if Ray Allen hadn't tiptoed it, twice? What if Ben Gordon didn't kick the cooler and get a technical? What if Joakim Noah didn't gamble for that steal? What if he missed it? Does Brian Scalabrine then get his Horry on? What if they called Paul Pierce dragging his pivot foot 6 yards in the first OT? What if this didn't happen;



What if John Salmons doesn't take that airball three at the end of regulation? What if the moving screen on Glen Davis that set up the House two was properly called? What if Hinrich hadn't MISSED THAT FREAKING LAYUP?!?!?? What if Brad Miller had thrown a shot up at the end of OT? What if Pierce hadn't turned down passing to an open Allen? If Joakim Noah misses that gambled steal, does Scalabrine put the Celtics up 126-123? What if Pierce hadn't fouled him?

And those are just from the last 16 minutes of game 5. What about the other 287 in the series?


Everything that has happened in this series has happened in reverse, too. Brad Miller has choked in the clutch and won a game down the stretch. Ben Gordon has almost won games single handedly, and done his best to lose them too. Derrick Rose shows that he's ready for both the big time and bedtime. Kirk Hinrich, one of the worst clutch performer of the decade (a man who shot 14% in the clutch last season) has turned up for the big stage. Ray Allen has been brilliant or non existent. Paul Pierce can gut out a win, but only sometimes. Everyone has been brilliant for stretches and terrible in others, coming (Tyrus Thomas even went a game without sucking. That's rare.) The only consistencies have been bad officiating, worse coaching, John Salmons's relentlessly gormless "my beard is so heavy it's pulling my bottom jaw to the ground" face, and Kevin Garnett's unabashed twatness. Just those and all the overtimes.

And then on top of that, we've had all the bonus drama. Rajon Rondo's carnal desire to hurt someone. Kirk Hinrich's eternal swag. Ray Allen being really, really, really, really good. Joakim Noah showing the world what Bulls fans knew since January. The long overdue debut of Aaron Gray's playoff beard. Doug Collins's fluctuating opinions on how tall Ben Gordon is. Tony Allen's death threat. Kevin Garnett's injury. Ben Gordon's injury. Leon Powe's terrible luck early in the series. The huge plays down the stretch. The terrific individual execution. The knee bucklingly bad coaching. Brad Miller's permanent "tickle me again and I'll throw a paddy right here and now" scowl when things go badly. Vinny Del Negro's palms being welded into his armpits. Stephon Marbury losing games through being afraid to shoot. Brian Scalabrine getting key minutes while sporting a head like an upside-down carrot cake. Danny Ainge's heart attack.

It's brilliant. I just only wish the stage was bigger.



At the end of game 6, I called my friend, finding myself with a desperate need to explain to someone what I'd been watching. They probably didn't appreciate the call at 7.45am on a weekday, but they got it anyway. I tried to explain what I'd been watching, why I was so excited, where this series placed in the all time history of the sport, how there'd been so many if-onlys and impossible shots that even Matthew McConaughey would have turned down the script. She didn't quite understand, or even really try to. But she meant well when she said;

"Congratulations."

Thanks. Go Bulls.

Kirk Hinrich's Singing Voice

Some potentially insightful and vaguely articulate basketball commentary will be coming your way shortly. But first, here's something far more important: the Chicago Bulls players singing.

God invented the internet so that we could feel more closely acquainted to professional athletes. It's the reason they have online chats, it's the reason they have their own websites, it's the reason we try and become their Facebook friends, and it's the reason that their team contractually obligates them to humiliate themselves for the sake of a few Youtube videos. For this, we must give our eternal thanks, because God never fails to satisfy us. And nor does Joakim Noah.

During a Bulls game last week, a halftime segment aired that showed Noah, Derrick Rose, Tyrus Thomas and Luol Deng participating in a 'Name That Tune' style challenge. The four players paired up, and one player had to sing whatever tune was playing in his headphones, with the other player charged with guessing which song it was that they were butchering. The hot blonde's job was to guess which team won.

The whole debacle was caught on camera.





A closer inspection reveals that this isn't the first Bulls players karaoke segment of the season. Three other officially licensed videos exist, showing the same players (as well as Kirk Hinrich, Aaron Gray, and the now-departed Drew Gooden and Thabo Sefolosha) taking part in a singalong to various TV theme tunes. The tunes range from seminal to forgettable, yet they are, to a man, bludgeoned.







If anyone emerges from this with any pride, it might be Drew Gooden. Gooden - whom we already know to be always up for a tinkle - demonstrates, if nothing else, a semblance of a sense of rhythm, humility and personality, although he does appear to struggle with the difference between a saxophone and a piccolo. Hinrich continues his galvanising makeover from the shy and retiring elfin-like creature of his rookie year to the matured and forthcoming comedy god that he is today. Tyrus Thomas sings like he plays (with plenty of effort yet little to show for it), as does Luol Deng (who is bloody awful). Most worryingly of all, Derrick Rose seems to sing in the same way that he talks - in a monotoned unrelenting B flat that never shows any signs of breaking out into a fit of inflection or interest. Give me another half hour of Gooden, instead. Thanks.

However, if you thought that other Bulls starlet Ben Gordon had gotten lucky and avoided it all, then despair not. Despite the fact that those videos were probably made during Gordon's entirely awkward contract negotiations, Ben has been seen to have brought the noise before. In this first video, Ben is caught chiming in with a vital contribution to the seminal Chicago Bears theme song, "Bear Down Chicago Bears". (Note: a version with Hinrich in it is out there somewhere, but apparently I've lost it.)





And in this second video, Ben does what 85% of ballers feel obligated to do eventually; he stars in a rap video.



(Note: That last video appears to have been an advert for a product called Mioplex. A quick Google search reveals that Mioplex is a "male orgasm intensifier." This would explain why he felt fifty feet tall. My work here is done.)

Preview Sort Of Thing: Chicago Bulls

The Bulls are, quite possibly, the hardest team in the league to gauge right now. Every one of their significant players is a massive question mark. Other than predicting Larry Hughes will shoot a pull-up 18 footer on 85% of the fast breaks that he's involved in, there's nothing that you can say with any conviction about this current Bulls roster. It's a poser.

Theoretically, they could be great. This is still, essentially, the same 49 win second round team of the 2006/07 season, with only a few changes. The corpse of P.J. Brown has been replaced by Joakim Noah. The corpse of Ben Wallace has been replaced by Drew Gooden. And Chris Duhon has been replaced by Derrick Rose, which may or may not be an upgrade. (Sarcasm!) So, with those three upgrades, plus the return of Ben Gordon, Luol Deng, Andres Nocioni and Kirk Hinrich, plus the overdue-but-genuinely-forthcoming breakout of Tyrus Thomas, the Bulls should easily be able to usurp that 2007 team. Shouldn't they?

Well, no. The other change between then and now is the entire coaching staff. As outlined in the Milwaukee Bucks preview, Scott Skiles's coaching jobs have a shelf-life, but until it goes horribly wrong, he can make teams overachieve. The Bulls achieved what they did in 2007 despite having only the NBA's 20 best offense, purely because they had the best defense in the league. Skiles was directly responsible for that. However, after he lost the team last year - and after his replacement Jim Boylan proved to be about as much use as a surfboard with handlebars - the Bulls defense regressed to being middle of the road, and the offense was no better.

It's not known what Del Negro will try to do, and it's futile to guess. But it's a safe assumption to say that he won't bring the level of defense that Scott Skiles did, because almost no one does. The hiring of Vinny The Black, and the new assistant coach lineup of Bernie Bickerstaff, Bob Ociepka and Del Harris, shows a clear intent to focus on the long term, and to concentrate on player development, something badly mismanaged during the Skiles era. It's the right approach, and winning the lottery gives General Manager John Paxson a second chance to clear up the collateral from the Ben Wallace disaster. Yet, for all horny long term projections, the Bulls are currently awash in highly paid underachievers.

Additionally, those players have regressed. Players were paid in accordance of what they were expected to go on and achieve, but after last year's diarrhoea of a season, no one did what they were supposed to. Nocioni used to play with a clean form of aggression, one where willpower and effort overcame his inability to dribble and penchant for leaving jumpshooters often. But these days, he chucks, and he pouts. Ben Gordon briefly became a near-All Star 20 ppg scorer, with good scoring efficiency, and an improved ability to dribble without falling over. But this desire to fit in with the offense seems to have left him. Luol Deng's jumpshot was infallible, but only for one year. And Kirk Hinrich has managed to get worse at every single facet of the game. This isn't the team it once was, despite it still being the same core.

The talent is still there. The Bulls still have a 20 point scorer at shooting guard, a potential 21/8 small forward with fine defense, and a combo guard with elite defense and a good jumpshot. Added to that, they now have a young Stephon Marbury at point guard, plus whatever you think of Tyrus Thomas and Joakim Noah. Furthermore, only one of those players is over 25. As young cores go, this one is still good.

As of right now, though, the roster is a clusterfuck. All the pieces that used to fit seamlessly, no longer do. And they're not as cheap as they used to be, either.

It's turnaroundable, if that's a word. The players that broke themselves can mend themselves. But it will take dramatic improvement from a unit that spent all of last year going backwards. Hinrich needs to find his footspeed again. Gordon needs to develop some humility. Deng needs to get his jumpshot back, and add four feet of range to it. Nocioni needs to pretend he's playing for Argentina every night. Thomas needs to learn how to make layups. Noah needs to learn how to make layups. Thabo Sefolosha needs to learn how to shoot. Hughes needs to learn how to play. And Drew Gooden needs to stop pratting about with his facial hair. (This won't help his performance any. It's just a general point.)

If this was another team, we'd probably be watching them intently, fawning openly, dicks in hand, doused in our own pre-ejaculate at the exciting and potential-laden duo of Rose and Thomas, despite them sounding more like the compelling protagonists in a Baroque-era love story. But that's not going to happen here. This is the Bulls. It's been nothing but false dawns for ten years. No one's leading them anything. This time, they're going to have to win our trust, by winning something.

Quite right too.

Offseason Preview: Chicago Bulls

The first in a new series of posts detailing teams financial outlooks for the upcoming free agency period, what cap room they have, what exceptions, what draft slots, etc. Should be fascinatingly fascinating, if you're easily pleased.

No information is 100% guaranteed accurate, but unless you're privy to hitherto unknown information, or just better at this than I am (highly possible), then it's probably more accurate than you.

To be completed in an order best described as "Random".

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  Chicago Bulls


Currently Committed Salary, 2008/09:

Larry Hughes - $12,827,676*
Kirk Hinrich - $10,250,000*
Andres Nocioni - $8,000,000
Drew Gooden - $7,151,183
Tyrus Thomas - $3,749,880
Joakim Noah - $2,295,480
Thabo Sefolosha - $1,931,160
Cedric Simmons - $1,742,760
Aaron Gray - $711,517
JamesOn Curry - $711,517 (not fully guaranteed)

Total: $49,371,173


(* = has incentives. Hughes's salary listed WITHOUT incentives, that are dependent on win totals, and thus won't be considered likely. Hinrich's salary listed WITH incentives, which probably won't be considered likely either.)



Unrestricted Free Agents:

Shannon Brown (cap hold - $1,116,960)
Chris Duhon (cap hold - $6,496,000)



Restricted Free Agents:

Ben Gordon (qualifying offer - $6,404,749, cap hold - $14,645,007)
Luol Deng (qualifying offer - $4,452,574, cap hold - $9,961,017)
Demtris Nichols (qualifying offer - $886,517, cap hold - $512,596)



Draft picks:

First round: 9th pick, subject to lottery results. (Cap hold - $1,840,800)
Second round: 39th pick (no cap hold)



Cap room/exceptions:

Nada room, MLE, BAE, and a $5,205,000 trade exception.




Mario Austin:

Is brilliant.



Depth chart if you take all the free agents away:

PG - Hinrich, Curry
SG - Hughes, Sefolosha
SF - Nocioni, Sefolosha
PF - Gooden, Thomas, Simmons
C - Noah, Gray



Sensible things to do:

Let Chris Duhon go. Gas Larry Hughes. Don't lose Gordon and Deng for nothing - either re-sign them, or get value in a sign and trade. Try and wriggle out from under Simmons's final guaranteed year. Add a veteran centre and a veteran point guard. DON'T BLOCK THE YOUNGSTERS. Get a coach that's better than the cataclismically bad Jim Boylan. Learn how to spell cataclysmically. Explore the possibility of debilitating widespread roster overhaul, but don't for the love of God make a losing trade involving a young player whose value is way below its best. Not again.

Reason No. 450 Why The Bulls Suck This Year

Coach Jim Boylan came up with a creative plan to try and lighten the mood among the Bulls.

During their off-day in Atlanta on Thursday, the players boarded the team bus before the scheduled practice time. But instead of practice, the bus drove to a nearby bowling alley.

At 11 o'clock in the morning, the Bulls essentially had the lanes to themselves. So they ordered some food, split up into teams and started bowling.

Daily Herald

---

On Friday night at Philips Arena, the Bulls trudged slowly off the court with slumped shoulders, staring at a four-game playoff deficit with 10 games to play after a 106-103 loss to the Hawks.

"We weren't really ready to play," Kirk Hinrich said in a shocking admission for a game of such significance for them.

Chicago Tribune

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O RLY?????

Game of the week 4: Bulls vs Magic

Eight weeks have passed since the last game-of-the-week which makes the title of the series something of an outright lie. Yeah. Sorry about that. I was busy and ill and stuff.

Still, to get us back into the series, I'm choosing to depict a game featuring the greatest basketball team in the world (as long as you don't include wins and losses in your criteria for what makes a team good), the insatiable Chicago Bulls, as they take on the Orlando Magic.

For those who haven't been following at home, the Chicago Bulls are less than mediocre this year. And for those of us who support them, it's a rather painful kick in the arse to witness. This team last year won 49 games and made the second round of the playoffs. They weren't half bed. They improved upon this on paper as they upgraded their personel, kept together their core, and assumed incremental improvement from all the young holders. Things were supposed to be beautiful.

They aren't.

For whatever reason, the Bulls suck. A premier defensive unit with mediocre but sufficient offense has suddenly turned into a mediocre defensive unit with the worst offense in the NBA. The "slow start" excuse played for a while, as the Bulls do have a recent history of slow starts. But for whatever reason, this season, they're still bad at the near half way point of the season.

The Magic, meanwhile, tore out to an epic start, and have now levelled off a bit. Just like last year. Except hopefully for them, unlike last year, they won't be distinctly middle of the road come the end of the season. But with future MVP Dwight Howard around, it seems unlikely.

After spending roughly an hour finding a way to watch the game online (obviously via totally legal methods), I gave up, and listened to the audio feed instead. I lay in bed to do this, because I'm lazy like that. It was there that I discovered that the game was being broadcast on a tape delay via English TV channel Five, whose NBA coverage has been nitpicked to death by me in the past (namely, here. So we'll see how they handle this.


- If you didn't know this already, Luol Deng has an English passport. Ben Gordon also will do in the foreseeable future. This makes Five rather intrested in the Bulls progress, and broadcast all Bulls games with simmering dollops of bias. And that's to be commended. Tonight, however, they've gone one step further, and added an in-studio guest - Luol Deng's brother Ajou Deng. Ajou Deng is 29, taller, considerably inferior, with exactly the same voice as Luol. He also looks sorta the same, except with the eyes of poker player Phil Ivey, and with a gap tooth that would have been considered sexy several centuries ago. Ajou speaks slowly, deeply and consistently, with no hint of punctuation or syllable inflection, and with absolutely nothing to say except to respond to the inane questions fired by the in-studio pairing of Mark Webster (not the world darts champion) and Andre Alleyne about how brilliant Luol is. This is going to work perfectly, I can see it.

- Ajou regales us with a story about how he won an MVP trophy during a basketball tournament he played in, the prize for which was a 27 inch television, which he then had to take home on the bus that he arrived on. Welcome to the world of British basketball. Additionally, Britain's first ever entry to the ULEB Cup (the second tier European club competition), the Guildford Heat, are 0-9 in the competition so far, with numerous enormous losses, including a recent 40 point loss to Joventut. Ajou Deng plays for the Heat. So you can see where this is going.

- None of the three studio presenters can tie a tie. Alleyne hasn't bothered, Deng shouldn't have done, and Webster offers up a remarkable ensemble for the evening. Unshaven, somewhat gaunt looking, with an abortive attempt on his very stripey tie and a seriously ill-fitting V-neck sweater, Webster looks as though he has just been pulled out of a crackhouse and thrust into whatever clothes they could find only minutes before the show began. Strangely, though, he's also wearing a purple wristband. Answers on a postcard.

- In back to back sentences, Webster describes the Bulls season so far as "patchy", and then says "let's hope that [another good run to close out the season] happens again!". Like I said, it's all swarmed in bias. And I'm totally cool with that.

- In pre-game build up, Alleyne mentions how Ben Wallace has "picked himself up", in reference to his recent play. Then a graphic shows up showing how the Bulls are the sixth highest scoring team in the NBA this season at 103 points per game, which Alleyne elaborates upon weirdly. Alleyne then closes his stanza with the immortal sentence "Chris Duhon will start in the, um, erm, excuse me, point guard spot vacated by Kendrick Hinrich." So not only are we biased as all hell, but we can't analyse for shit. Fantastic.

- Mark Webster then calls Joakim Noah "Wakeem", and suddenly I feel vindicated about being unable to kick the habit myself. Then again, as we discussed earlier, Webster is a crack addict, so......

(Legal disclaimer - Mark Webster is not a crack addict. Neither of the famous Mark Webster's are.)

The team then proceed to have a conversation about Wakeem, his skills, value to the team, and about his recent suspension for backchat. It's actually an intelligent discussion full of accurate observations, perspective and common sense. While it was taking place, the cameraman went for a wander, and panned to two Luol Deng jerseys sitting on a desk somewhere. Don't know why this happened.

- Finally, before the tip-off, Alleyne and Ajou agree that the Bulls are going to need a big defensive game from Ben Wallace. For those who haven't noticed, here is Ben Wallace's defensive PER this season. Feisty.

- Kendrick Hinrich is sitting out tonight due to a combination of back spasms and epic shitness, so Thabo "The Show" Sefolosha starts in his place. This means that the Bulls have now replaced the third worst jumpshooting guard in basketball (Hinrich) with the worst (Thabo), both of whom are starting alongside the second worst (Duhon). This on a team that also starts the 33% shooting centre Ben Wallace. This is really going to space the floor, I reckon.

- After Ben Wallace wins the opening tip, which he seems to do every night as fatigue ha snot yet set in, Jumpin' Joe Smith attempts the Bulls first 3 shots, and misses them. And you said we didn't have a post scorer!

- Ben Wallace exhibits Shaq-like pick and roll defense early, successfully managing to guard neither Orlando player. But in his defense, if you think paying Ben Wallace $15 million a year for only one dimesion (and you're wrong, for it's actually zero dimensions), then give Rashard Lewis three years and you'll have a black Pat Garrity for $20 million a year. Yes, I'm still harping on about this.

- Chris Duhon misses a wide open three point shot, and Thabo Sefolosha turns down an open 21 footer in favour of dribbling into screeners for 5 seconds. Still, only four minutes until Gordon comes in.

- After Ben Wallace picks up his second foul, Aaron Gray comes in for him. Colour commentator Matt Guokas mentions how this makes Dwight Howard's eyes "light up". Yeah, well, wait until Dwight sees what a powerhouse he has to defend. Aaron Gray is the shit.

- Sefolosha hits a jumper. Wow. Matt Guokas mentions about how that type of player - the thought of as insignificant type - are the type of player that typically burns the Magic. Well, we'll see about that.

- I feel I should mention at this moment that I'm rasping for a piss, and yet the show has had no advert breaks yet. Things are starting to get uncomfortable.

- Coming back from a timeout, the game feed cuts back in with the camera focused on Wakeem Noah on the bench. This causes Webster to lose his professionalism, as the soundman hangs him out to dry by leaving hsi microphone on for five seconds longer than Webster thought he had. After handing back to the American audio feed, Webster then booed Noah loudly, thinking that he was off air. That was fun.

- Joe Smith opens the game 1 for 5 from the free throw line, which is extremely unlike him. He scowls angrily at the basket after all the misses, which is extremely unusual for Smith. This Bulls team is personified by awful body language, and only the constant chirpiness offered by Aaron Gray, Smith and Noah shows any kind of interest in the players being there. And if we lose Joe to a bad temper, then the franchise has real problems.

- Ajou Deng's awkwardness to the camera is topped only by Luol's. If you've ever seen Luol Deng talk toa camera, you'll notice that he slows up his speech for some reason. And quite frankly, it makes him sound like a spanner. I thought I'd mention this.

- Brian Cook is fat and awkward.

- Stan Van Gundy is fat and awkward.

- The first quarter ends at 27-24 to Orlando. The TV show is now 50 minutes in, and not even the end of the quarter brings me the relief of an advert break. I'm really scratching for a slash here, but I can't seem to stop watching, in case I miss something I can roll my eyes about. Right on cue, Alleyne calls Thabo by the unusual name of "Seffer-LAR-shar". Obviously I can;t miss things like this.

- During the first quarter break, we are treated to a montage of every shot Luol Deng took and/or made. This could get tiresome, even for those of us out there who love Luol Deng dearly and would even be willing to overlook it if he bricked our parents to death. Meanwhile, Ajou Deng's head slowly disappears into his shoulders.

- Alleyne again references the stat they invented which claims that the Bulls are 6th in the NBA in points per game. So the analyst can't analyse, the in-studio guest can't entertain, and Mark Webster is high as a kite (allegedly). Brilliant.

(But, you know? It's still very entertaining for some reason. At least they're enthused. And that counts for a lot. Well, OK, Ajou Deng isn't enthused.)

- For three straight possessions to open the second quarter, Orlando takes and makes straight away 28 footers. Chicago responds by bringing the ball up unneessarily slowly, taking 10 seconds to even get to the play calling stage. The Bulls offense survived all its pitfalls last year by pushing the ball enough to be the 6th fastest offense in the entire NBA, which in a league featuring teams such as Phoenix and Golden State is no mean feat. Yet this year, aided by the slowness of Duhon and Hinrich, they've decided not to bother with that, unless their idea of pushing the ball involves in-rhythm 20 footers with no one in rebounding position. That, they do plenty of.

- Still no ad break. I can feel my bladder rupture.

- After Ben Wallace does his customary 10 dollar move with a 10 cent finish in the low post, Matt Guokas claims that "you might normally go three or four games without seeing Ben Wallace attempt a post move". Oh God, how I wish that was the case.

- As Joe Smith shoots a free throw, a girl with a mop runs behind the rebounders to back underneath the basket Joe is shooting at. Any closer, and she would have run down the paint itself. Strange times. Joe makes it anyway but still doesn't look happy.

- Ben Gordon is in at the point guard spot for Chicago. Fantastic! That'll facilitate the ball movement and stop the turnovers.

- After the outside shooting barrage, Chicago is now down 14. They look deflated already, although I'm not sure they ever looked inflated. They also strangely can't seem to rebound with Ben Wallace in the game. Surely not? It's not like Ben's man routinely goes off for big rebounding nights or anything. An Orlando timeout comes, but no advert break comes with it. Webster says "Wakeem" again.

- Thabo Sefolosha is given a whole calendar week to shoot a three point shot from the wing. He obliges, and makes it. He has now hit three jumpers in one game. One of them nearly hit a flying pig.

- If you are wondering at home, why do the Bulls continue to play Wallace when he is substandard at every facet of the game, and players such as Noah and Tyrus Thomas aren't getting nearly enough playing time, then look no further. They know of the illogical nature of what they are doing, and yet they deliberately do it. The reasoning is thus: if they flog this dead horse enough so that they can get his rebounding average above or near 10 a game, along with his 2 assists, steals and blocks a game, then someone might - just might - trade for the bastard if the Bulls set the bar low enough. And if you think that's silly, then bear in mind that John Paxson's record when it comes to trading players when their value is at their lowest ebb is rather unspectacular.

- Luol Deng shoots a technical foul shot, which must be a first. Meet the Chicago Bulls guards, everybody. For a "jumpshooting team", we sure as shit can't shoot. Deng misses it.

- Thabo penetrates the lane and drops the ball off to Wallace, who finishes with a dunk over that same flying pig. This is noteworthy for two reasons:

1) Thabo isn't awful tonight.
2) Ben Wallace dunked the ball.

Both rare but special things.

- Amazingly, the Bulls have cut it back to a two point game, as Orlando misses a few shots. With their final possession of the half, Chicago runs their insatiable Duhon/Wallace pick and roll. Amazingly, it doesn't work. A turnover and a three pointer later, the Bulls are down 5 at the half.

- The half time show brings us focus on, surprise surprise, Luol Deng. They have a feature in which he talks about a series of slide related to things in his life. These include Big Ben (the clock, not Wallace), his passport photo, Charlie Villanueva, Dikembe Mutombo, a Phoenix Suns cap and Manute Bol, whose legs dumbfound me with their length. This feature was not interesting, but I watched it all in case it was. In doing this, I had to once again sacrifice going for a piss. That's dedication, folks.

- Ajou Deng gets to talk a lot at half time, and cements his status as the least enticing TV personality ever. He does mention at one point, though, that he and Luol have another basketball playing brohter called Deng Deng. Maybe I misheard his dulcit tones, but I swear he said that. Meanwhile, Luol waxes lyrical about Wakeem, the team cancer. (Sarcasm).

- Orlando blows the game open again to start the second half, despite Jameer Nelson running two fast breaks so badly that he ought to be made an honorary Chicago Bull. Both times, he dribbled into the path of his wing man, and had to pull the ball back out. Still, Orlando hits their shots, and Chicago can't get theirs off.

- It's depressing to watch how little Ben Wallace gives a shit.

- Chicago has two point sint he first 4 minutes of the third quarter, including one beautfiful possession that featured a two man game between Wallace and Duhon, in which Wallace caught the ball in the low post with 15 seconds on the clock, and spun around looking for help for every last one of them. Good times.

Orlando trots down, and hits their open outside shots from a penetrate-and-kick game.

The game is blown open to a 73-54 affair from a 57-52 game at half time.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, that'll do it. I can't be bothered with the rest.





Ladies and gentleman, meet your Chicago Bulls. They're exactly the same outfit as last year, except they're more talented, and massively inferior.

Successful Chicago Bulls teams of the Scott Skiles era were personified by energy and defense. Both have vanished from the current Bulls. No one takes charges. Players don't fight for the rebound like they once did. Their simple playbook used to be reasonably effective when it was executed with a certain sharpness and crispness. But this crispness has disappeared. Players flit about, and the Bulls haven't the athletic talent to get away with that.

The problem does not necessarily lie with the Bulls player personel. They have a flawed roster, with not enough pure shotmaking talent and poor size. But they've always had this, and yet have proven that they can be successful anyway. The probkem stems from what these previously successful players have started not doing that has gotten them away from what they do best.

Instead of incremental improvements from the core, everyone except Tyrus Thomas has gone backwards. And even he hasn't done that much to get better except for adding a reasonable jumpshot. Ben Gordon's doing much better as of late after being benched, but his mind wasn't in it to begin the season, and he reverted to his stand-on-the-wing self of his first two seasons. Luol Deng, affected by nagging injuries, still fatigues too easily and goes for long stretches without touching the ball on offense. Chris Duhon is back to the standard of his sophomore season after a bad campaign last season, but he suffers from just not being that good. Ben Wallace's demise has gone from slow to debilitating. Andres Nocioni is chucking more than ever before, including even his rookie season, and his defense continues to get worse as he leaves several dozen open shooters a game. And Kirk Hinrich's offseason decision to bulk up seems to have resulted in a jarring loss of foot speed and the absence of any consistency in his jumpshot.

The Bulls guards never could finish around the rim. Their big men never could consistently do so either. The team was never tall, and never very athletic. But they used to win anyway. The defense would carry them. Even when they went through massive offensive droughts, they'd put you into one too, by taking many charges, deflecting the ball at all times, and just generally pissing you off. But the charge taking has gone. The deflections are way down. And the offense is worse, despite the too-massive-to-explain difference in offensive talent between the respective trios of Joe Smith, Aaron Gray and Joakim Noah over P.J. Brown, Michael Sweetney and Malik Allen.

So, what's wrong with the Bulls? Something. I don't know what to suggest.

But scapegoating the coach didn't work.