The Assassination Of Devean George By The Coward Donnie Nelson

February 13th, 2008. Wednesday. Raining.

The Dallas Mavericks are tootling along with a 34-17 record. They're pretty good, and perhaps they know it, because they're suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to do something stupid.

A veteran team with only one good young player decides on a plan to get older and worse. The Mavericks decide that Jason Kidd is a significant upgrade over Devin Harris, and work out a variety of scenarios that see them trade Devin and two future first round draft picks for Kidd. They're wrong, but they work hard at it anyway, determined to obtain a player that puts them further away from the hump that they're already sliding away from. Two years ago, it would have been a steal. But not now.

Eventually, they stumble upon a scenario that both they and the Nets can agree upon. Dallas agrees to trade Harris, the picks, cash, DeSagana Diop, Maurice Ager, Jerry Stackhouse and Devean George to the Nets in exchange for Kidd and Malik Allen. The fillers are largely meaningless; outside of Harris, only Diop is a significant player for the Mavericks, and even then he sucks more ass than most people care to acknowledge. The core of the deal is Harris for Kidd, and both teams seem pretty happy with that. The fundamental pieces are together, peripherals of the long-awaited deal are finally in place, and everyone's a winner. (Except Dallas.)

Things then get a bit weird. Through a hitherto little-known technicality, one of the least important components of the deal - backup forward George - has the power to veto the trade. George re-signed with the Mavericks in the previous offseason to a one year contract, and Dallas will have early Bird rights on him when his contract expires. However, if George gets traded, the recipient team will lose his Bird rights if they trade for him, which reduces George's chances of getting handily paid next season. [Let's pretend for a minute that such chances existed.] I don't really understand the purpose of the rule, but it exists, and it applies to Devean. As a result, players on one year contracts who will have early or full Bird rights at the season's end are given the right to veto any trades that they may be in, so that they aren't powerless to prevent having their Bird rights taken away from them. And that's the power George wields.

The rule wasn't really written for situations like this. I'm not really sure who it does apply to, really, but it definitely wasn't for this reason. Yet it applies anyway, and therefore, to a chorus of anger and giggles, George exercises his right to veto the trade and emphatically pisses on Mark Cuban's strawberries for at least 72 hours.

Vetoing the trade doesn't endear George to the Mavericks fans. They boo him lustily, already aggrieved by his crapness and his club's weird affection for him. It also doesn't help that he plays 33 minutes later that same night, and scores 0 points on 11 shots. But technically and morally, he did no wrong. He did what he had to do, and looked for himself. He merely made some people look bad while doing it.

(It also doesn't really hold up the Mavericks, who rework the trade later in the week anyway, substituting Stackhouse and George for Keith Van Horn and Trenton Hassell. With Antoine Wright also coming back in the reworked version, it's a better deal anyway. But I digress.)

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Fast forward to this month.

George saw out the season with the Mavericks, sucked horribly, yet re-signed with the team for two more guaranteed years anyway. The inexplicable love that Donnie Nelson and Devean George feel for each other can never be topped, or properly understood. But it's about to change when Nelson tries to trade George again. And this time, he succeeds.

Two weeks ago, George was traded to the Raptors as a peripheral part of the Shawn Marion deal. Along with Antoine Wright, he went to Toronto as the afterthought backups to the also-acquired Hidayet Turkoglu, a move which showed the Raptors putting on a fine demonstration of creative financing, if not a good idea of how to build a team. (And if you don't think there's not an I-TOLD-YOU-SO post coming on that subject, then you're very much mistaken.) However, as far as Devean George was concerned, there was another caveat.

Now, it's possible that they are not vengeance-driven horrible bastards. It's possible that they just did this without considering the possible side effects down the road. But here's the thing; when re-signing George this past summer to a two year $3.2 million contract that paid $1.6 million in both seasons, Nelson and Cuban added a somewhat rare clause to the contract that called for George to get a $200,000 bonus if the Mavericks win a certain number of games this season. I don't know what the threshold was, but I'm guessing it was 50 wins, since that's what they won last season (such predictions are calculated during the moratorium using the team's record from the previous season as the basis). Since the Mavericks can be realistically expected to achieve that next year, George had himself a $200,000 bonus.

But then he was traded to the Raptors. They didn't win 50 games last year, and thus the CBA cannot consider them likely to do it this year either. As a result, George loses $200,000. And though he's subsequently been traded to the Golden State Warriors in a shameful deal for Marco Belinelli, the same applies; George has lost his bonus.

Revenge.

Of course, the fact that the Mavericks had given George a combined $5,943,370 to play with them over the last three seasons means the last laugh is still firmly on them. Their inability to realise that they were paying to retain a man with scoring the scoring efficiency of Willie Green, the rebounding of Jason Collins and the oft-misrepresented defense of Andres Nocioni means that they're the real victims here, the victims of their own silliness. But, still. Vengeance is sweet.



(EDIT: It's been brought to my attention that they above is too confusing. Fair enough. Here's the gist of it, reworded; based on last year's win total, the Mavericks were expected to win 50 games. As a result, George's cap number was raised to $1.8 million. Now that he's a Warriors, it's been knocked down to $1.6 million again. But George was only going to be paid $1.6 million UNTIL the 50 wins happened, at which point he'd get the bonus. The basic point remains, though; by not now being a Mav, George loses $200,000. That is all.)

Where Are They Now, 2009; Part 53

If any British people out there want to know what I look like, watch The Shockwaves Album Chart Show on Channel 4 on Thursday night, and wait for the bit where The Enemy come on. When the camera focuses on the extremely gay denim clad ginger guys who are enjoying the music more than the rest of the audience combined, while also furiously groping each other's arses, look for the aloof looking gentleman standing behind them with a look of pure venom on his face, swaying gently to the soothing sounds of bland pop rock and scratching his neck religiously. (And with slightly wet hair after an unfortunate incident involving rebounding cider.) That's me, that is.

PS: Shouting "TWAT!!!" at Akon for a solid 30 minutes can really do wonders for a man's voice. I sound like a baritone sexpest right now, and it's awesome. Anyhoo.....

- Larry Turner is signed with the powerhouse Vermont Frost Heaves in the even more powerhouse Premier Basketball League. Averages don't appear to an option, but here's a recent boxscore. Would you be able to look at that box score and pick out Larry Turner, of all people, as a former signing of the L.A. Lakers? No. But it happened. How bizarre.

- Samo Udrih averages 9.2 points and 3.4 fouls for Estudiantes Madrid. All things considered, he's better than Beno.

- Cory Underwood started the season with the Albuquerque Thunderbirds in the D-League, averaging 11.6 points and 5.1 rebounds in 25 minutes per game. He then negotiated a release from his contract, whereby he promptly signed in China (yay!!!), and then sucked fiercely. (Oh.) After a 23 point, 12 rebound debut for the DongGuan New Century Leopards, Underwood then put up 8 points and 4 rebounds in his next game, followed by a 0/0 performance, then a 0/1 performance, culminating in a 32 minute, 7 point, 4 rebound outing in his final game before the team released him. All told, Underwood averaged 7.6 points and 4.4 rebounds in his 5 game Chinese stint, shooting 11 three pointers to 34 two pointers after not taking a three point in the whole of the D-League season. Based on all the numbers that I've just given you, I kind of suspect that Cory wasn't trying too hard out there. Just a guess. Underwood has since returned to the D-League and the Thunderbirds, and has not played a game for them since returning.

- Ramon Van de Hare is about to turn 27 years old, and currently averages 8.2 points and 6.3 rebounds in the incorrigible Cypriot league for AEK Larnacas. I've said it before, and I'll say it again - that whole "draft any 7 foot Euro that averages 1 point per game" trend of a few years ago was bloody stupid.

- The only Nick Van Exel sighting that I've got is an appearance at a Cincinnati Bearcats practice last month. No word on what he actually does with his time now.

- The same is true of Keith Van Horn, the luckiest bastard alive, whom I can only assume is back doing what he was before being handed a free $4.3 million; spending time with his family and not intending to play any basketball.

- Ratko Varda is playing for Khimky in Russia, signed as a replacement for the injured Maciej Lampe. Now let me tell you something about Ratko Varda - he's only 29 years old, but he's the slowest 29 year old that you've ever seen. It's amazing to think that this man's professional life calls for him to do a lot of running and jumping, because he really can't do it. However, he is immensely strong, and, having grown a lot of hair and a beard and covered his body in tattoos, he looks pretty menacing at all times.

- Jeff Varem was playing in Iran, but has since moved to the Alaska Aces of the Philippines. I have no numbers for you, but I am assuming that you don't really want them.

- Fran Vazquez averages 8.5 points, 4.6 rebounds and 1.9 blocks per game for Barcelona in the Euroleague, alongside 10.6 points, 6.3 rebounds and 1.6 blocks per game in the Spanish league. If you're a Magic fan buoyed by those numbers, and now inwardly believing that those represent the makings of your future backup centre, and that all hope may not yet be lost, allow me to piss on your feelings again by reminding you once again that Orlando picked Vazquez over Danny Granger. And don't you try and come back at me with any "if we had Granger, we wouldn't have Rashard Lewis" types of arguments right now. It's not going to be long before you wish you didn't have him anyway.

- Vladimir Veremeenko is with Unics Kazan in Russia, where he plies his trade as a dangerously slow small forward to decent effect. Veremeenko averages 11.8 points, 8.1 rebounds and 1.2 blocks per game in the Eurocup, alongside 9.5 points and 5.0 rebounds in the Russian league. He has also stopped bouncing the ball quite so much before shooting a foul shot.

- Finally, here's the story that I have been absolutely itching to tell you for about six weeks. It's all true too (apart from a few slightly tweaked parts to protect people's identities) and that's why it's potentially interesting.

About two months ago, I travelled across the country to go and visit my friend Phil up t'north. On the Saturday night of my visit, we decided to go out, partly because we're young and sexy twenty somethings, but also because his flatmates were annoying. (And also because the gas boiler was making bad noises and we thought it might blow up or something. Later on, it kind of did.) It was me, Phil and his girlfriend that hit the town, and we found the pub nearest to his house and settled down for some hardcore soft drink consumption. (We know how to party, we do.)

It was in this pub, on that night, at that time that Phil and his girlfriend had a fight and split up, right there in front of me. (The argument was something to do with a sofa. Didn't quite understand it to be honest.) As you may have gathered, the situation became a little bit awkward. Not knowing what to do, I did what any good friend would do - I got the drinks in, sat back, and listened to a lengthy rant. As Phil's heart bled all over my shoes, I helped him shove the entrails back into his still-twitching corpse, and suggested that we leave it for tonight and see where things stood in the morning. He agreed, but, unfortunately, this left us with nothing to talk about. The break-up was a massive elephant in the room, sitting between us, astride the table, thrusting itself into our faces at all times. (Giggidy.) We had decided not to talk about it, but we couldn't seem to help it. Whatever conversation we tried to force out, we both knew that the other was processing what had just happened in their head. Therefore, with the alternatives lacking, we decided to do what any like-minded men would do in the situation; we'd talk to some random people about football.

It worked a treat. Soon, we had entered into a random back and forth with a Nigerian man named Ben, with whom we were having an empassioned chat about what intangible qualities John O'Shea brought to the Manchester United defense. The discussion was insightful, humourous, and made me feel like I had more than one friend in the world, a arare and special feeling indeed. At some point, though, we started getting hungry, and decided to continue this conversation back at Phil's house with a pizza while watching Match Of The Day.

Ben bought us our food, which was nice of him, and we set off for home in the pissing rain. When we got in, the football conversation picked up where it left off, now further buoyed by the tantalising arrangement of undercooked imitation pizzas. Conversation soon got around to the continued influx of foreign players into the Premiership, and about how detrimental it was becoming to our national game. Communally, we agreed (somewhat baselessly) that what was needed most from the national game was a sense of humility within the players, and greater respect for authority.

It was at this moment Ben brought up a basketball parallel, when he mentioned about how a basketball playing friend of his had to learn a similar lesson in humility. At this moment, Phil said "Mark likes basketball, you should talk to him about it", slumped back in his chair, and then didn't speak for the next 90 minutes. Ben persevered, and quickly followed up this opening gambit by stating that this friend of his was recently drafted by an NBA team. Excitedly, I ask "who was it?". He replied "Ejike Ugboaja".

The conversation flowed from there. It soon turned out that Ben is one of Ugboaja's closest friends, a fact he quickly validated by showing me both of their Facebook accounts. A lengthy story followed, in which Ben (whose name isn't really Ben, by the way) told me as many anecdotes as I could goad out of him about the Nigerian national basketball team, a team with which he is closely affiliated if not an actual member. Amongst these anecdotes was the story of how Ejike was selected out of a group of players (including Ben) participating in a national team tryout. Upon making the team, Ugboaja developed a bit of an ego, and started acting moody and aloof with his former friends. However, a quick word from former Charlotte Bobcats coach Sam Vincent (who was, at the time, the head coach of the Nigerian national team) saw a change in Ejike, and he dropped the ego, dispensed with the swagger, and reverted to being the humble, generous man that he always was, willing to learn, accepting of criticism, and keen to "give back" to his homeland. It was a tender and touching story befitting of any Associated Press fluffpiece. I would have wept if I could have understood half of what Ben was saying. (His accent was kind of strong. This is why that story took about 90 minutes to tell.)

More importantly, Ben quickly proved that he knew more about Ejike Ugboaja than I did. I asked where Ejike was playing right now, as I was almost certain that he was unsigned. Every resource I could find supported this; I knew he had played in the D-League last season, but that he wasn't in it this year, and I was basically certain that he was currently unattatched. (Readers note: I don't memorise all the current player's destinations deliberately, but when you spend as much time following them as I do, some of them tend to stick with you. Ejike's was one that stuck.) So, at one juncture, I asked Ben where Ejike was playing, and Ben responded that he was playing in Iran. Sure enough, he was right; upon closer inspection, Ugboaja is playing for Azad University Tehran BC, information that was very hard to find out back in January (and which isn't easy to find out now, either - only if you know in advance to to add "Iran" as a suffix to your Google searches do the results become plentiful.) Ben had proven his worth, made my night, advanced by life, and bettered this post. Completely by accident, and in a country where Kenny Gregory used to be an MVP candidate, I had met one of the best friends of an NBA player. And not just any NBA player, either, but a FRINGE NBA player with a hard-to-spell name. The best kind of NBA player, that. Good times.

(Other stories include a seminal tale about Olumide Oyedeji's inability to find a bed in the whole of Nigeria that fitted him. Oh, the fun we had with that one.)

We stayed up until 7.30am that night, talking about more basketball, football, the break-up that we'd just witnessed, how cantankerous and manky the pizza was, amusing ways to pose with an umbrella, why goth chicks are far hotter than they should be, how easy it would be to get off while phone-sexing a Northern Irish girl, and all manner of other intelligent and high-brow conversations. But nothing will ever top the random discovery of Cleveland Cavaliers second round draft pick Ejike Ugboaja's closest chum in a pub near Preston. Nothing.




(Note: inviting random Nigerians back to our house is not something that we normally do on a Saturday night.)

Summer signings, round 6

- So, in the last post, I talk about how the Boston Celtics free agents aren't expected back. I wasn't speculating or breaking news, merely regurgitating the news offered up by various Celtics beat writers. What then immediately happens? Eddie House and Tony Allen re-sign. Ter-bloody-riffic. Can't I be allowed to self-own without the assistance of others? I say enough dumb shit of my own to kick my own arse many times over. I don't need the incisive input of others to further drag me down, too. Dammit. The lesson, as ever: screw Danny Ainge.

- Speaking of the Celtics, they were also reported to be in the running for Golden State Warriors free agent forward, Matt Barnes. But Barnes has apparently (and I'm using that word at all times now) committed to sign with the Phoenix Suns for the minimum. How the hell did that happen? How did a decent player go for the minimum, when we're still only in the first month of free agency, a month that has seen inferior and comparable players go for the full mid level exception? How have Matt Barnes and his agent not managed to turn his career resurgence into a single multi-year contract yet? How did Steve Kerr manage to pull off such a good move? And why couldn't the Celtics wade in with at least their bi-annual exception? The lesson, as ever: screw Danny Ainge.

(Note: Rumour has it that the Celtics are pursuing Dallas Mavericks forward Devean George, who isn't expected to re-sign with Dallas for obvious reasons. (Also note: for those unaware of the obvious reasons, here they are: 1) Devean George is a bit crap, and 2) Devean George vetoed the original Jason Kidd deal, which, while rather inconsequential in the end, was definitely a bit embarassing. Double bracket.) George isn't a bad backup plan for the Celtics, despite me just calling him "a bit crap". But I still don't see why you wouldn't offer offer just a teeeeeny bit more for Matt Barnes, luxury tax ramifications be damned. You just won a title, for God's sake. Why such tight purse strings?)

- Josh Childress has balls of steel. Depending on who you believe, it's all but a done deal that Childress is going to sign with Olympiakos in Greece, in what is either the biggest deal ever signed by a European team, or close to it. There are people scattered all around the internet who can write, will write, and who are writiing considerably longer articles about what this move will mean for the long term future of the NBA, and particularly the perils and pitfalls of restricted free agency, something which I personally hope dies a miserable death. (Through a combination of the draft, restricted free agency, and being traded, some NBA players can go their whole careers without ever being able to choose their place of employment. How is that fair, even with the massive salaries that they get?) I, however, can't be bothered. But I will commend Childress for his testicular fortitude - trapped in a situation without any real leverage, he managed to find some, a victory for humanity and oppression everywhere. And for Europe, obviously. (By the way, for those who love to say things like "Childress won't fit in in Europe because he's not a very good shooter".....there's more to European basketball than shooting, you know.)

- Nets forward Bostjan Nachbar has also gone to Europe, signing with Dynamo Moscow (that's in Moscow) for three years. The weird pile-on effect from the Childress move is the subsequent over-analysis of the decision for every player who signs in Europe, such as Nachbar and Carlos Delfino. Suddenly, every European signing is symbolic of the demise of the strength of the dollar, or of a systematic failure of the NBA machine. But caught up in that overexuberance are two key oversights:

1) Nachbar and Delfino both started out in European leagues, so going back there isn't all that alien of a concept.

2) They are average NBA players at best. Average to fringe NBA players have occasionally signed in Europe for a while now. It is a direct by-product of the NBA teams signing and drafting so much European talent for themselves - there are only 450 spots in the NBA for about 600 deemed to be worthwhile players, and so some people are going to lose out.

Things are changing, but Bostjan Nachbar isn't a symptom. But, hey, don't let that stop you from overthinking it if you want.


- Primoz Brezec of the Toronto Raptors also signed in Europe, for Lottomatica Roma of Italy. But no one cares about that.

- In a shock NBA-to-NBA transaction, the Orlando Magic signed and traded Keyon Dooling to the Nets, in exchange for nothing significant at all. This represents the first bit of profitable Creative Financing™ of Magic GM Otis Smith's career, so maybe he's learning. As for the Nets, they now have 18 players under contract, but I'm sure that they can find it within themselves to cut Maurice Ager and Keith Van Horn. It is, however, the final nail in the coffin for my Andres Nocioni trade idea. Damn shame.

- Finally, I can bring you big news of two further European signings. Tamar Slay signed with Avellino in Italy, and Boise State's finest Matt Nelson signed with Mahatman Gandia in Spain's lower leagues. This interested me unil I realised that Boise State's finest Matt Nelson was not THE Matt Nelson. I know you feel that pain.

GregOstertagsHairline.com: the NBA website that answers the question that not a single person cared enough to ask.