Turn That Frown Upside Down

It is my intent that you will come to view this site as a valuable resource. Between the character issues thing, the NBA salaries section, the tracking of endless former and/or fringe NBA players, the general abundance of boring trivia, the occasional bad jokes and the hugely lengthy player database that no one really looks at, I serve to bring you information that you either can't get elsewhere on the internet, or to bring it better than other people do. I do this for reasons of self-gratification and (hopefully) career advancement, and even if you think I'm annoying and a bit of a twat, I hope you can at least respect the information that I collate on this website. That is my aim.

For now, though, we'll take a slight detour.

Yesterday afternoon, I was a bit bored, and decided to find out what Mike Bibby looked like if you turned his eyes back to front and his mouth upside down. We've all wondered that, of course, and yet yesterday was the day that I could wait no longer. I had to know. The results were as follows.



I quickly realised that this was my new favourite hobby. So here are some more NBA players with their smiles turned upside down.



























Contribute your own. It's kind of fun.

"That Guy We Drafted", 1994

If you're hardcore, you'll probably remember the name of that random second round draft pick your team made back in 1999. And if you're really hardcore, you might even care about him enough to spend 30 seconds reading up on where he is and what he does now. Well, I'm here to oblige you with that. Starting as of, like, now, we will trace back drafts and draftees, from as far back as I can be arsed to go (which early estimates predict will be about 1994), to the most recent 2008 draft. Potentially, we might stumble across something interesting.


- 1st pick: Glenn Robinson (Milwaukee) - Robinson signed two contracts in his life; the 10 year, $80 million one he signed after being drafted (one that saw the inception of the rookie scale contract the following season), and a prorated minimum salary contract with the Spurs the season after the first contract ended. With the Spurs, he coattailed his way to a championship ring. And then he disappeared. Last month, Mike Hutton of the Post-Tribune (a newspaper that apparently couldn't decide what to call itself) wrote a piece that tried to track down the absent Robinson and find out what he does now. The answer appears to be.....not a lot. The comments on this follow-up post seem to confirm that.

- 2nd pick: Jason Kidd (Dallas) - Still going, and now back with the team that drafted him. Kidd is going to be a free agent this summer, and even though he's declined a lot in the last two years, he's still got something to give to a competitor.

- 3rd pick: Grant Hill (Detroit) - Also still going, and also a free agent this summer. Hill has said in the past that, if he was traded away from Phoenix, he'd retire. If he stands by that Phoenix-or-bust belief, then he'll probably retire this summer, because it's about time Phoenix had a rethink and youngened up a bit. And that means no more Hill.

- 4th pick: Donyell Marshall (Minnesota) - Also also still going, and also also a free agent this summer. Solely a catch-and-shoot offensive player now, with some occasional rebounding. Maybe he has one more season left in him, on someone's deep bench.

- 5th pick: Juwan Howard (Washington Bullets) - Howard is kind of done, and has been for a while, but he got a career stay of execution when Larry Brown was hired by Charlotte, giving Juwan not only one more contract but also something resembling a spot in a rotation. However, Howard rebounds about as well as Mark Pope these days, and perhaps should call time on his career now.

- 6th pick: Sharone Wright (Philadelphia) - as I briefly alluded to this last summer, Wright is in Holland. He's retired now, and serving as an assistant coach on an Eiffel Towers Den Bosch team that just won the Dutch Cup. Their starting point guard is former Warriors backup, Dean Oliver. You needed to know that.

- 7th pick: Lamond Murray (L.A. Clippers) - Murray just can't freaking stop. His last playing time in the NBA came in the 2005/06 season with the Nets, where he played rather badly for a season and showed his age. He then signed with the Clippers for 2006 training camp, but didn't make the team. That was the end of Lamond Murray's NBA career, but not of his entire professional career. Murray sat out the rest of that season before signing in the IBL (a league that is run during other league's offseasons). He then joined the Nuggets for their 2007 summer league - game as Denver are to always give a chance to basically anybody - and then signed in China to begin the 2007/08 season. He left in midseason, went to the ABA, left again, and went back to China, where he averaged roughly 14/7. Then, in the offseason of 2008, he again went back to the IBL, where he averaged as-near-as-is 27 points and 12 rebounds, in a low calibre league with some slightly funky rules. This past season, he signed in China again, but left without playing a game, and then a couple of months ago he agreed to sign in Venezuela with a team called Trotamundos. However, he never reported to the team, claiming that he couldn't find his passport, and the contract agreement was cancelled. Last month, Murray signed back in the IBL for the third time, signing with the seminal Los Angeles Lightning, where he is currently averaging 25/6.

You weren't expecting that, I'm guessing. But here's the best part - the Lightning's lineup is freaking stacked. In an otherwise piss-poor league, the Lightning have managed to boast a lineup full of ex-NBA players, featuring Murray, current Clippers assistant and minor league veteran Fred Vinson, journeyman big man Jamal Sampson, the artist formerly known as Bryon Russell, ex-Suns guard Toby Bailey and former Rockets guard Juaquin Hawkins, who is with his first team since suffering a stroke last year. Did you see all that coming? No, me neither. In fact, apart from Murray, I didn't know about all those players being there when I started writing this. Good times, maybe. And for some bad times.

- 8th pick: Brian Grant (Sacramento) - as reported the other day, Brian Grant is retired but has been diagnosed with early onset Parkinson's. Bad times.

- 9th pick: Eric Montross (Boston) - Montross was waived by the Raptors in early 2004, after having unofficially retired the previous summer due to relentless injuries. He hadn't played since 2002. He is now the colour announcer for North Carolina Tar Heels games, but strangely he has also managed to get immersed in some political scandal that I don't really understand. Didn't see that coming, either.

- 10th pick: Eddie Jones (L.A. Lakers) - Jones was included as salary filler in the trade last season that saw Shawne Williams sent to the Mavericks, whereafter the Pacers bought Jones out. He presumably did this in expectation of catching on with someone else later in the season. But he then didn't.

- 11th pick: Carlos Rogers (Seattle) - Rogers's last NBA stint came in 2001/02 with the Indiana Pacers. I seem to recall that he left the team without giving a reason, and was waived, although I can't find proof of that. He then did nothing for six years, until he signed in Columbia last October with a team called Canoneros Norte De Cucuta. He left in February 2009. Outside of basketball, Carlos was on a show last March called Oprah's Big Give, in which he donated $1,000 cash to help build a playground for an elementary school in Houston. That was nice of him. Also, here's a Carlos Rogers fact that you probably already knew: before he was drafted, Carlos Rogers' sister got very ill and needed a kidney transplant. Carlos offered one of his, acutely aware of what it would do to his NBA career. His sister told him to keep it, and got a cadaver kidney from elsewhere. But it soon failed, so Carlos immediately retired so that he could donate one of his to keep her alive. However, she died before it could be done, and Carlos resumed his career, managing a few more years in the NBA before going silent on us. Bad times.

- 12th pick: Khalid Reeves (Miami) - Reeves' last NBA contract was a 10 dayer with the Bulls in their bleak 1999-2000 season. After that, he went to the IBL, then the ABA, the USBL, the Lebanon, and then Venezuela, before ending his career in Costa Rica in 2007. No idea of what he's done since then.

- 13th pick: Jalen Rose (Denver) - Rose retired after the 2007 season, which he spent with the Suns doing roughly nothing. He is now an insufferable pundit for ESPN.

- 14th pick: Yinka Dare (New Jersey) - Dare died of a heart attack in January 2004, aged 32.

- 15th pick: Eric Piatkowski (Indiana) - Pike spent his last two years playing for the Suns on a minimum salary contract, but that ran out in summer 2008, and another one was not forthcoming. Pike didn't play at all last year, wanting the phone to ring, but it didn't. It's not all bad, though, as he was recently inducted into the Rapid City Sports Hall Of Fame. Wherever that is.

- 16th pick: Clifford Rozier (Golden State) - Rozier's professional career was like his life - pretty sketchy. He fell out of the NBA in November 1997 when he was waived by the Timberwolves, and he didn't play anywhere again until a short stint in the USBL in 1999. He had a tryout in Poland to begin the 1999 season, but left to come back to the States, signing in the CBA. Then he went back to the USBL for two games. Somewhere in there came a brief stint with the Harlem Globetrotters. And that's it, basketball wise at least.

In his real life, Rozier had a far worse time of it. On several occasions, his then-wife (now his ex-wife) had him sent to psychiatric hospitals, staunch in her belief that Rozier had a chemical imbalance in his brain that brought about depressive episodes, disappearances for days at a time, and a personality disorder that saw him sometimes fail to recognise his friends and family. That imbalance also seemed to bring about a violent streak within him; reportedly, he fought with a coach in his time in Toronto, and also had a fight with Vitaly Potapenko in his short stint with the Timberwolves. Furthermore, in July 1999, he was declared bankrupt, owing money to all manner of creditors, including his agent.

Worst still comes Rozier's criminal history. I don't have a whole lot of it to hand, but what I do know is that Rozier was a fugitive in the early part of 2001, wanted for stealing an off-duty police's officers car as a means of fleeing the scene of an argument with his brother at a gas station. (He was later arrested in May for grand theft auto, presumably for the same incident.) He stayed in jail until his trial date in October, where he entered a plea of not guilty due to incompetence. Seemingly it didn't reform him, as Rozier was arrested again in October 2002 and charged with category C burglary. Further information about all this is hard to find, but he reappeared in the news in May 2007, this time arrested for cocaine trafficking. Other crimes of Rozier's include being arrested for assaulting his mother in August 1998 (charges later dropped), and an undated charge of larceny. He may or may not still be getting disability payments from the NBA for his mental problems - he certainly used to be, at least - but even if he is, he seems to have found other ways to supplement his income.

- 17th pick: Aaron McKie (Portland) - after his much-documented and impromptu comeback in 2007/08 as a part of the Pau Gasol sign and trade, McKie saw out the season with the Grizzlies. However, he never played in a game for them, got inevitably waived, and then rejoined the Sixers as an assistant coach.

- 18th pick: Eric Mobley (Milwaukee) - Mobley's career was either largely undocumented, or a bit weird. He played only three seasons in the NBA, the last being in 1997, and then he disappeared. The next we heard from him was a two week stint in Puerto Rico in April 2000. Then he disappeared again. And then, in February 2006, he signed with the Pittsburgh Xplosion for a couple of months, a deliberately misspelt ABA team that Tyrell Biggs seems destined to join one day. Then he disappeared again, and I have absolutely no clue what he's done for 12 years. Strange. (By the way, Eric Mobley was bloody awesome in Total NBA '96, a slightly weird game that determined how good a guy was at three point shooting by using his three point percentage from the previous season. And Mobley had gone 2-2 the previous season, so you can guess how good that made him. You could shoot from halfcourt all night and hit a solid 85% or so. Good times.)

- 19th pick: Tony Dumas (Dallas) - Dumas fell out of the NBA after an 8 day stint with the Kings in January 1999. After that, he went to Greece, then signed in Italy in 2001, but was released for disciplinary reasons. He later had a tryout in the Lebanon in 2002, but didn't make the team, and hasn't been heard from since.

- 20th pick: B.J. Tyler (Philadelphia) - Tyler was waived before the start of the 1996 season. He had played 55 games in his rookie season, rather unremarkably so, yet was taken by the Raptors in the 1995 expansion draft. But he never played a game with the Raptors after suffering nerve damage in his knee, caused by falling asleep with an ice pack on it. A lesson for us all there.

- 21st pick: Dickey Simpkins (Chicago) - Simpkins's last NBA stint was a three day tryout with the Hawks in November 2001. After that, he spent 4 games in Greece before seeing out the season in the CBA, where he averaged 21/12. He spent the 2002 offseason in Puerto Rico, averaging 16/11, then went to summer league with the Pacers. Simpkins spent the 2003 season in Russia and the 2004 season in Lithuania, then played one game in the 2004 offseason back in Puerto Rico as injury cover for Anthony Bonner, where he totalled 15/12. He started the 2005 season in the CBA, then moved to Spain to serve as another injury replacement, and then signed with the Alaska Aces in the Philippines. He split the 2006 season between Lebanon and Germany, and then he gave up. Simpkins now works as an analyst for ESPNU, and also operates Next Level Performance, a basketball skills development company.

- 22nd pick: Bill Curley (San Antonio) - Curley last played in the NBA in the 2000/01 season with the Warriors. After being waived, he didn't bothered trying the European or minor league circuits, and is now the head coach at Thayer Academy.

- 23rd pick: Wesley Person (Phoenix) - Person's last NBA gig came with the Nuggets in 2005. He is now an assistant women’s coach at Enterprise-Ozark Community College.

- 24th pick: Monty Williams (New York) - Williams was waived by the Magic in December 2003, and signed with Portland as an assistant coach two years later. He's still there.

- 25th pick: Greg Minor (L.A. Clippers) - Minor retired in 1999 due to a severe hip injury, and was waived by the Celtics the following November. Since then he has gone back to school for a few years, acknowledged that the kids that he denied fathering are actually his after all, and sued some people about some horses.

- 26th pick: Charlie Ward (New York) - as mentioned here, Charlie Ward now coaches at a school. It seems to be a trend here.

- 27th pick: Brooks Thompson (Orlando) - Thompson fell out of the NBA in 1998, and is now the head coach at the University of Texas-San Antonio.

- 28th pick: Deon Thomas (Dallas) - Thomas never signed in the NBA and, until last year, had a fine European career going. He spent last year in Israel with Maccabi Haifa, averaging roughly 12 and 6 and helping them win promotion to the top Israeli league, but wasn't with the team this year and recently retired. He now coaches JV.

- 29th pick: Antonio Lang (Phoenix) - Lang managed bit-parts of 7 NBA seasons, the last of which was a preseason stint with the Kings in 2000, before hitting the ol' world tour. In order, his following places of employment were; the CBA, the CBA again, Italy, the ABA, the USBL, the Philippines, Japan, the Philippines again, then Japan again. He continued in Japan until 2005, then retired in 2006 due to foot injuries. Lang is now an assistant coach for the Japanese team he spent four seasons with, the Mitsubishi Electric Dolphins. What a great freaking name for a basketball team. What a great freaking name for anything, really.

- 30th pick: Howard Eisley (Minnesota) - Eisley managed a lengthy and well paid career, if one filled with lots of furniture removal vans. Eisley managed twelve seasons with seventy six different NBA teams, his final stint coming in Denver down the stretch of the 2005/06 season. After being traded to Chicago and instantly waived in the following summer, Eisley hasn't been heard from again.

EDIT: According to some guy, Eisley is working as a volunteer assistant coach for the New Jersey Nets. I'm slacking in my old age, it appears.

- 31st pick: Rodney Dent (Orlando) - Dent signed with the Magic after being drafted, but didn't play due to injury. He was then taken by the Grizzlies in their expansion draft, but it meant nothing, because he didn't play there either. Dent's only other basketball stint was in Finland in 2000-01 with a team called Forssan, where his teammates included his brother Anthony, who presumably was behind the move. Outside of this, I have no Rodney Dent news.

- 32nd pick: Jim McIlvaine (Washington Bullets) - McIlvaine, presumably still swimming in money, last played in 2000 and is now a colour commentator for Marquette games. Here is his really tall wife, whom he met over the internet after offering her a place to stay when she lost her home in Hurricane Katrina:



(True story, by the way.)

- 33th pick: Derrick Alston (Philadelphia) - Alston played three seasons in the NBA, albeit not very well, before embarking on a career as a minor league journeyman. He's been a very good one, playing for Efes Pilsen (Turkey), Manresa, Barcelona, Valencia, Real Madrid, Lleida (all Spain), Gravelines (France), Ural Great (Russia), Türk Telekom (Turkey again), the New Zealand Breakers (Australia, strangely), and last year he played for Libertad in Argentina, for whom he averaged 13.6 points and 6.1 rebounds. He might not be done yet, either.

- 34th pick: Gaylon Nickerson (Atlanta) - Nickerson never played for the Hawks, who drafted him in 1994 but who didn't sign him until 1995, with Nickerson playing a season in Turkey in between. The Hawks did bring him in for 1995 training camp, but he didn't make the team and spent the year in the CBA. The following season, Nickerson got another unsuccessful training camp deal, this time with the Kings, followed by two brief look-ins with the Spurs and Bullets, playing a combined 4 games between the two. He then had two decent years in Spain, a few non-eventful trips abroad to other places, and his last stint came in whatever the hell the UPBL is for a team called the Mansfield Hawks back in 2003. Who calls their son Gaylon, anyway? That's just harsh.

- 35th pick: Michael Smith (the Providence one) (Sacramento) - Smith managed 7 fractured seasons in the NBA, the last of which was in 2000-01 with the Wizards, where he averaged 3.8 points and 7.1 rebounds a game. No, I didn't type those the wrong way around. After that, he played three short stints over three years in Italy, Poland and the CBA respectively, before jacking it in in the early part of 2004. It's too difficult to find out anything about him since that time because his name is too common, so write in if you have anything.

- 36th pick: Andrei Fetisov (Boston) - Before being drafted, Fetisov played in Spain. After being traded, with only a couple of exceptions, he played solely in his native Russia. At not point did he sign in the NBA, and even though his rights were traded to the Bucks on draft night, they were never used. He last played in 2007.

- 37th pick: Dontonio Wingfield (Seattle) - Wingfield played 114 games in 4 seasons with Seattle and Portland, shooting under 40% for his career despite being 6'8. After his NBA career dribbled to a stop in late 1997, he had two brief tryouts over the next few months, one in Spain and one in the CBA. However, neither of them amounted to anything, and Wingfield's professional career ended in 1998 because of a nasty car accident in November of that year. In trying to avoid a deer, Wingfield hit a tree in a crash so severe that it resulted in four broken vertebrae and two broken hips. He nearly died, and even when he was out of danger doctors wondered if he would walk again. But he pulled eventually through, and spent four months in hospital recovering. (Insult to injury, he was also cited after the accident for failure to control a vehicle.) His problems didn't end there, though. In August 1998, just before the crash, he was arrested and charged with assaulting two police officers after they came to his apartment to resolve a dispute between Wingfield and his girlfriend. Wingfield broke one of the officer's fingers and tore his tendons in the fight. Later on, he showed up for his June court appearance two days late, was re-arrested, and sentenced to a year in jail. (He served six months, still only able to walk with a cane at the time.) Wingfield is now starting again; after getting out of prison, he got a culinary arts degree, and now works as an AAU coach with the Albany Hawks.

- 38th pick: Darrin Hancock (Charlotte Hornets) - Hancock played for four teams in three NBA seasons before embarking on a minor league career that spanned many seasons, featuring multiple stops in both the CBA and the USBL. (There was also a failed drugs test in the Philippines in there somewhere.) Hancock retired in 2005, a fact noted on his bizarrely long Wikipedia page. What did he do to deserve all that? I don't know, but he's got at least one highly devoted fan out there, it seems.

- 39th pick: Anthony "Pig" Miller (Golden State) - after playing mere shreds of the first seven years after he was drafted, and never playing in more than 35 games a season, Miller managed a bizarre return to the NBA after a four year gap, playing two games for the Hawks in 2004/05. Before, during and since that time, Miller has played for every team in every country ever (by which I mean, there's too many of them for me to even begin listing). He's still going, too, signing in the ABA in December for the Las Vegas Aces. Although I have absolutely no idea how long he stayed there for. It's impossible to know with the ABA. This is a league where about 40% of the games don't even get played, and where 50% of franchises don't complete their inaugural season. Some don't even make the two month mark. It's pretty pathetic, really.

- 40th pick: Jeff Webster (Miami) - Webster's NBA career consisted of 18 points in 11 games, and his minor league career consisted of only a couple of stops, the last of which was in Japan in 2001. Currently, Webster is - or was - an assistant coach for the Texas Titans, a youth team run by a billionaire.

- 41st pick: William Njoku (Indiana) - Njoku never made it to the NBA, failing to make the team out of training camp in 1995. A lengthy minor league career ended in November 2004, after two games with the fabled and seminal KK Fersped-Rabotnicki Skopje in Macedonia. Njoku retired and is now the athletic director at Atlantic Baptist University. Here's his email address. By the way, I had literally never heard of William Njoku before this post.

- 42nd pick: Gary Collier (Cleveland) - Gary Collier also never made it to the NBA, failing to make the grade in 1994 training camp. Between 1994 and 2003, Collier split his time between Germany and Belgium, before finishing his career in France in February 2004, averaging 9.2 points per game for Paris Basket. He is now the head coach at Arlington Heights High School in Fort Worth.

- 43rd pick: Shawnelle Scott (Portland) - permanently armed with the name of a girl, Scott played in 105 NBA games over four seasons, the last of which came in 2001/02. The minor league stops in between them are too varied to mention, but his last stop came as a Globetrotter in 2005. I don't know what his Globetrotting name was.

- 44th pick: Damon Bailey (Indiana) - Bailey was drafted by the Pacers after starring for Indiana University, so that should have been a storybook ending. But he never actually played for the Pacers, spending a whole season on the injured list before being waived. He then toiled in the CBA for three years (which, lest we forget, was THE American minor league of the nineties, as there was no D-League then), looking for a way back to the big dance. He found one eventually, signing with the Cavaliers in their very delayed 1998 training camp, but he didn't make the cut. Bailey later became the head coach at Bedford North Lawrence High School, where he used to play, but he resigned in 2007. He is now a businessman in Bedford, and co-owns whatever this is. Here's his email address.

- 45th pick: Dwayne Morton (Golden State) - Morton managed a half season in the NBA in 1995, scoring 167 points in 41 games, before plundering his trade overseas. He has played in France, Bulgaria, the Dominican Republic, the ABA, Germany, the CBA, Japan, Israel and England (God bless him). He's still going, too, and he just completed his fourth straight season in Bulgaria, where he averaged 10.8 points and 6.6 rebounds in the Balkan League. Although 38 years old now, he probably has one more left in him somewhere.

- 46th pick: Voshon Lenard (Milwaukee) - boasting a better NBA career than the previous 18 people combined, Lenard hasn't been seen or heard from since his last NBA contract expired in the summer of 2006. He does have the distinction of returning to school even after being drafted, however, and is (along with Charles Claxton below) the last player to have done so.

- 47th pick: Jamie Watson (Utah) - Watson played 102 games in the league over three years, before exploring a few other countries, such as China, Portugal, Lebanon, Cyprus, Columbia, Domincan Republic, Chile, Venezuela, Saudi Arabia....you know, all the usual haunts. His last stop came in Jordan (giggidy), when he averaged 17.8 points per game for Al Riyadi in 2006. He later played for the Jordanian National Team, believing perhaps rightly that his chance of joining USA Basketball had passed.

- 48th pick: JeVon Crudup (Detroit) - Crudup never played in the NBA, forging out a short European career that ended in 2001, after a trial in Poland went south. A brief and scoreless stint to the ABA later, that was it for Crudup, who then moved into coaching. Crudup began coaching as an assistant coach at Raytown South High School, but was fired in January 2003 for a verbal tirade given to his team after a loss that was covertly filmed and made public. Crudup sued for wrongful dismissal (with his lawyer using the timeless "it wouldn't have happened to a white person" defense), but the original trial was declared a mistrial in July 2005. The case was tried again, and Crudup won, winning $50,000 in actual damages and $250,000 in punitive damages. I don't know what happened after that, but he did talk about going back to school one day.

- 49th pick: Kris Bruton (Chicago) - Bruton never played in the NBA, but did play in the CBA, the USBL, Japan, Portugal, the IBA, France, Cyprus, the Dominican Republic and the NBDL (as was). At some point in there, he got a serious thigh injury, stunting his career somewhat. Since 2002, Bruton has been a member of the Harlem Globetrotters, where he goes by the name "Hi-Lite" and just dunks for a living. He's also opened a restaurant, which is nice.

- 50th pick: Charles Claxton (Phoenix) - Claxton, like Lenard above, returned to school after being drafted, but he didn't have nearly the NBA career once he came back. He signed with the Cavaliers for 1995 training camp, but didn't make the team, before Boston signed him the following month, where he played the only three games of his NBA career. Claxton also joined the Jazz for 1996 training camp, but didn't make the team, and he never threatened the NBA again. After that, he went to Poland, then Lithuania, and then England, where he played his final season in 1999/00 for the Brighton Bears. I have nothing after that.

- 51st pick: Lawrence Funderburke (Sacramento) - Funderburke played all but two games of his NBA career for the Kings, albeit not beginning until he was 27. Those other two games were with the Bulls, and they were also the last team of his professional career.

- 52nd pick: Anthony Goldwire (Phoenix) - for no fathomable reason whatsoever, Goldwire signed in the Spanish fourth division last season with the newly reformed CB Girona. He didn't do especially well. The NBA probably won't come a-calling again.

- 53rd pick: Albert Burditt (Houston) - guess what country he plays in now? China? Romania? Dutch Antilles? Micronesia? Wales? Nope, none of these; it's Bolivia. Burditt never played in the NBA after not making the Rockets team out of training camp in 1994, and while he's been employed ever since then, he's been all around the houses to do it. Before Bolivia came Mexico, and going back in order from there, we find that he's also been in Uruguay, Mexico again, Sweden, ABA, Mexico again, Argentina, Mexico again, Spain, Mexico again, Portugal, Mexico again, CBA, Mexico again, Italy, Spain, Puerto Rico, and then the CBA again. Can you sort of tell that he likes spending his summers in Mexico?

- 54th pick: Zeljko Rebraca (Seattle) - when he was waived silently by the Clippers after missing nearly two years with back problems, you probably thought that Zelly was done. I did. But he wasn't. Not quite. He signed with Pamesa Valencia in Spain in the 2007 offseason, just to give himself a chance to go out on his terms. And not long afterwards, in December 2007, he did. Six not-especially-effective-but-reasonable games later, Rebraca announced his retirement, this time at his discretion rather than it being forced upon him. It's a better story this way.

Summer signings, round 4

- Andreas Glyniadakis, former Pistons draft pick and one-time Sonic, has extended his contract with Costa Coffee in Greece. I hope that the sponsoring of team names never catches hold in the NBA, even when it leads to beautiful times.

- Ersan Ilyasova, whose NBA rights are still owned by the Milwaukee Bucks, has seen his contract with Barcelona extended. It seems odd that, in this instance, the NBA franchise has been the feeder club for the European team. 10 years ago, that just doesn't happen.

- Gabe Muoneke, a man on the fringes of the NBA for about 6 years now before finally getting a sniff with the Charlotte Bobcats last October, has signed with Asvel in France. Last season, Muoneke played in Iran, and he's probably made the right decision to get out.

- English supestar Pops Mensah-Bonsu has signed with Joventut Badalona in Spain, and, if I've ever called them Joventut Barcelona in the past, then I apologise. Pops will play alongside Ricky Rubio, and if you've heard that name but don't know much about him.......he's brilliant. He really is.

- Qyntel Woods has signed with Fortitudo Bologna. I want to make a joke about dogs, but I like dogs, so I won't. By the way, I sponsored a dog recently, and let me tell you - it's a damn scam. I take my time choosing which dog I want to sponsor, pay for a full year, but then they send me a letter saying "we're sorry, but that dog is no longer available to sponsor". And then they kept the money anyway. Bastards. So learn from my mistakes - if you're feeling philanthropic, sponsor a panda or a child or a leper or something. There's no value in the dog thing.

- Rodney White - possibly the worst player in modern history to have a triple double in an NBA game, depending on your view of Chris Duhon - has signed for Maccabi Tel Aviv, which is in Tel Aviv, Israel.

- Troy Bell has signed for Soresina in Italy's lower divisions. The drafting of Bell was quite possibly the worst roster move that Jerry West has ever made in the NBA, depending on how shit hot your NBA history knowledge is. (Mine's awful.) Players drafted after Troy Bell in 2003 include David West, Leandro Barbosa, Josh Howard, Kendrick Perkins, Boris Diaw, Jason Kapono, Carlos Delfino, Maurice Williams, Luke Walton, Zaza Pachulia, James Jones, Kyle Korver, Steve Blake, Travis Outlaw........et cetera. Whoops.

- Former Denver Nuggets guard Vincent Yarborough has hit the big time, signing for Bonn in Germany. The mere mention of Vincent Yarborough has reminded me of how bad that 2002/03 Denver Nuggets team was, and so, for the hell of it, here is a run down of the whereabouts of everyone they gave an airing to that season.

1: Juwan Howard - unsigned, spent last season with the Dallas Mavericks.
2: James Posey - agreed today to sign with the New Orleans Hornets for 4 years.
3: Maybyner Hilario - the only one still with Denver, although he hasn't played much for a variety of reasons, including cancer.
4: Chris Whitney - long since out of the game. And the headlines.
5: Shammond Williams - now a Georgian citizen, somehow. Playing for Pamesa Valencia in Spain.
6: Rodney White - see above.
7: Donnell Harvey - recently joined the Charlotte Bobcats summer league team, but left early due to a family emergency. Unsigned. (By the way, speaking of the Bobcats summer league, Jackie Butler was supposed to be on it, but he never turned up. If we haven't done so already, can we officially scrub Jackie Butler from our minds? Thanks.)
8: Marcus Camby - yes, well, let's not talk about that.
9: Devin Brown - unsigned, last season played for the Cavaliers.
10: Jeff Trepagnier - unsigned, spent last season with Pau Orthez in France.
11: Kenny Satterfield - Scoop Jackson assures us he's fine.
12: Mark Blount - currently the Miami Heat's starting centre, which probably enthuses them no end.
13: Chris Andersen - unsigned, but that won't last. Played all of 34 minutes last year with the Hornets.
14: Lorinza Harrington - playing for the Philadelphia 76ers summer league team.
15: Nikoloz Tskitishvili - unsigned. Quick! Before someone snaps him up!
16: Ryan Bowen - unsigned, played last for the Hornets, Says he's "hopeful" of being re-signed, something which I agree with.
17: John Crotty - very very done, but I don't know what he does now.
18: Adam Harrington - unsigned, played last year in the D-League.
19: Predrag Savovic - has one year left of a five year contract that he signed with Bilboa in Spain back in 2004. Still sucks, but he has Luke Recker, Drago Pasalic, Mile Ilic, Quincy Lewis and Fran Vazquez for company.
20: Vincent Yarborough - see above.
21: Mark Bryant - didn't play again after leaving this very same Nuggets team. Now an Oklahoma City assistant coach.

Jesus. What a shite team that was.

Top 24 NBA Sex Scandals Of The Last 15 Years

In case you missed it, a story "broke" (if that's the right way to phrase something that's been around, but underacknowledged, since about 1998) NBA legend Karl Malone knocked up a 13 year old girl when he was a college player. Why this has gone past us so quietly is a mystery, but it does seem to be just one more in a long list of recent NBA sex scandals. And so here is that list.

Stories listed in no particular order.



LIST OF NBA PLAYERS (and owners) IN RAPE/WEIRD NAUGHTY SEX STUFF SCANDALS:


1 - Karl Malone: See above.

2 - Bryant Matthews: Former Raptor (for about a week) only got out of jail earlier this year for a rape charge in which he walked in on his friend and his friend's girlfriend having sex in a hotel room, and stuck his fingers in her lovely lady lump. His in-court defense was "[I] thought she was cool with it". Apparently she wasn't. Served nine months.

3 - DeShawn Stevenson: Had consensual sex with a 14 year old when he was 20, which isn't rape in the she-didn't-want-it sense, but which is clearly statutory. Pleaded no contest to sex with a minor. Was sentenced to 2 years probation and 100 hours of community service, which somewhat sadistically was served at a "Boys And Girls" club.

4 - Ruben Patterson: Sentenced to a year in jail (all but 15 days of which were suspended) after pleading no contest to an attempted rape charge on his nanny. Allegedly, she came in to find Patterson standing naked, masturbating. He then forced her to gigoogidy his gerschmoigin, and ejaculated within seconds. Only then did he let her leave. Allegedly. Also fined $100,000 by the Blazers, which seemed a little ironic since they'd just given him $35 million, even with this charge hanging over him. Additionally received 2 years probation, a $5,000 fine and had to pay the nanny.

5 - Chris Webber and Juwan Howard: Accused of sexual assault. Jury decided not to indict. Howard later sued the accuser, won, and donated his $100,000 settlement to a rape crisis centre.

6 - Ron Mercer, Antoine Walker and Chauncey Billups: Details on this are sparse, but apparently they were sued for rape. Why would you sue for rape? Why wouldn't you press charges? I don't get it. Either way, no charges were brought, and an out-of-court settlement was reached. (The incident took place at Walker's home, where - allegedly - he walked in on the act, and declined his housemate Michael Irvin's invitation to dive right in there. Strange times.)

7 - Andray Blatche: Arrested and charged with solicitation. Was sentenced to attend a day's seminar on the dangers of prostitution, which seems like no punishment whatsoever.

8 - Kwame Brown: Accused of sexual assault after a playoff game. No charges brought due to a lack of evidence. The woman in question admitted to a consensual encounter, and then apparently it got less consensual. But that doesn't explain why she then hung around for hours afterwards.

9 - Kobe Bryant: Yeah, you know this story. Case dropped in criminal court, settlement reached in civil court.

10 - Jahidi White: Investigated for sexual assault. Details extremely absent. No charges. (Rumour has it that it involved a nude Oriental lady and a fat white chick. And lots of crying. Allegedly.)

11 - Julius Hodge: Accused of sexual assault on a Denver woman. The woman claimed that, after driving her back to her house after being at a club, Hodge forced her onto the bed and tried to rape her. No charges were brought due to lack of evidence. The woman was then jailed for violating her concurrent probation by being out that late.

12 - Michael Olowokandi: Sued for rape by a woman who claims that the encounter led to the less-than-immaculate conception. Can't seem to find out what became of this.

13 - Mo Peterson, Cliff Robinson, Juwan Howard again: All sued at some point for allegedly deliberating infecting someone with herpes. In Juwan's case, it happened twice. The suit against Robinson was for an enormous $20 million, and tests showed that he did (does?) indeed have it. (The herpes, not the $20 million.)

14 - Sam Cassell: Accused of rape way back in 1996. No charges brought.

15 - Elden Campbell: Sued for an apparent date rape, in which he allegedly drugged someone before raping them. I don't know what became of this, because it was back in 1997, and my only source of research is the internet. And the internet wasn't much back in 1997. But obviously not much came of it, or else we would have known about it. Date rape is a pretty bloody serious allegation, after all.

16 - Latrell Sprewell: Investigated for sexual assault after apparently choking a woman he was having consensual sex with on his boat. Don't know what became of this, which implies that it was probably nothing. (But he did later have the boat repossessed.)

17 - Donald Sterling: Admitted to paying a woman for sex for a numbers of years. The story offered up some awesome quotes.

18 - George Shinn: Accused of a kidnapping-for-sex charge, after allegedly luring a woman whom he knew was addicted to prescription drugs to his home, and shagging her. Admitted to having sex with her, but said it was consensual. No criminal charges were brought, and acquitted in civil court.

19 - Bobby Simmons: Arrested for misdemeanour fourth degree assault after allegedly fondling the breasts of a woman who got into his car in the early hours of the morning, and then punching her in the face. Charges not brought due to lack of evidence.

20 - Bernard Robinson Jr: Arrested and charged with assault and battery on a female student after touching her up in a stairwell. Sentenced to a year's probation which included such terms as a written letter of apology, never talking to the girl again, being fined $850, complete abstention from drugs and alcohol, and being forced to partcipiate in sex offender "screening" to see if he had serial sex offender tendencies. That must have been soul destroying.

21 - Justin Williams: Accused of rape. Later dropped. It never became official, but his lawyer alluded to the fact that he did nail the chick while on camera, which would have been rather conclusive in a court of law as to the level of consensual loving.

22 - Calvin Murphy: Former player and Rockets announcer accused of sexual abuse by 5 of his illegitimate children (he has 14 kids, 11 illegitimate). Jury acquitted him in less than two hours. But he lost his job and his reputation, so the damage was done.

23 - Eddie Johnson: "Fast" Eddie Johnson (not the other Eddie Johnson, the sixth man award winner, but the one who is a former Hawks player) was accused of sexual assault on an 8 year old girl. As far as I can tell, he is awaiting sentencing, but that may be wrong.

24 - Nick Anderson: Accused of rape. Held a press conference on the subject in which he cried a lot,



Add any of your own. (Not "add any of your own rape charges", but "add any of your own submissions for NBA players sex scandals that I may have missed.)

Actually, no, it pissed me off a great deal (re: NBA in London)

The following note is too long.

People have repeatedly asked me what my thoughts are/were concerning the NBA preseason game played this Wednesday in London. I'm not actually from London, living about 30 miles north of the city's northernmost point. But it's close enough to count, and as close as the NBA is ever going to get to me.

So I will share those thoughts with you now.

I did not go to the game. I originally intended to, but even from several months in advance, I could not seem to get any tickets. I don't care about Boston or Minnesota, but I just wanted the NBA experience, and to be in the same room as this sport and these athletes who I spend a ridiculously huge amount of my life following. There's also maybe an outside chance that I get to hump Fred Hoiberg's leg, so that would be another good reason for going. But alas, it wasn't to be.

My friend Michael tried to sell me his ticket, but I couldn't take him up on the offer. He's well off, and I'm not. He had a good seat, and I could only afford a nosebleeder. So that wasn't an option.

I was therefore stuck with watching the game at home. That wasn't an altogether unpleasant experience, as it marked the first and only time I've been able to watch a live NBA during normal daylight hours from the comfort of my bed. It's only a minor victory, but I'm a man of simple pleasures.

However, being able to do this had its consequences. For those unaware of how this works - which is probably most of you - there's incredibly little coverage of the NBA whatsoever over here in the wonderful island nations of Great Britain. Our basketball leagues themselves are shite, and there's almost no following or foothold for the sport.

In 1997, a terrestrial (meaning free) TV channel was launched called Channel 5 (now simply known as "Five"). One of the channel's earliest features, which has survived to this day, was the concept of having live American sport on throughout the night. They began with baseball, screening ESPN's Sunday and Wednesday Night Baseball games live, along with an occasional but extremely rare showing or two of This Week In Baseball. They also had some hockey, picked up some small NFL coverage (major satellite channel Sky Sports also has some of this, for it is the biggest of the major American sports here), and picked up NBA coverage just a couple of years ago.

Their coverage of the sport features a live game every Tuesday night, with a taped run of NBA TV's highlight show thing played beforehand. It's not much, but it's all that we've got, and so we run with it. The internet is a great resource for us hardened and pathetic fans, but this is all we get TV wise. It's not a lot.

What they do provide, though, is reasonably well done. The in-studio pairing of Mark Webster and Andre Alleyne doesn't offer much in the way of knowledge (Webster is the ultimate utility player, who can present any type of sports show, and who also seems to find radio work as a music, movie and "lifestyle" critic, yet he hasn't watched any basketball since about 1994), while Alleyne knows everything about the British basketball scene but not the NBA. Nevertheless, they provide good comentary and entertainment, play to their strengths, and don't get above their station. The game itself is just a replayed feed of the ESPN/NBC game itself, using American commentary. Which is probably safest.

However, in the run-up to this event, Five have made a bit of an effort. Adverts have run for a few weeks in advance, and they even cobbled together a preview show.

What they did in these adverts, though, annoys me intensely. So much so, in fact, that I did something that I've only done once before in life - I wrote a complaint letter.

I won't go into details, for most of it is outlined below. But basically, Channel 5 insulted our intelligence and potentially half of their viewership by adveritising the NBA brand to only black youths and wiggers. I'd go into this in more detail in this space, but as you're about to see, this post is way too long as it is. So I won't.



Anyway, onto the game itself. Here's what I noticed:


- During introductions, which went on for an overly long time as every single scrub managed to get his name announced, Kevin Garnett absolutely stole the show with a ridiculously long ovation. People in this country don't know anything about basketball, and those that do know merely only the basics (more on that later, re: Darren Bent interview). I firmly believe that I'm the only hardcore fan around. So you can imagine how greatly it disappointed me when Mark Madsen got one of the most underwhelming receptions of anybody. What? Why don't people know and respect who Mark Madsen is? Bastards. I'll have to change this.


- The game started with Boston playing reasonably well on both ends, and with Minnesota having absolutely no offensive strategy whatsoever. However, they hold the lead for almost all of the first quarter, as Ricky Davis is taking (and hitting) everything he can get his hands on. A sequence towards the end of the quarter is extremely indicative of the entire Ricky Davis Experience - off a Boston miss, Davis brings the ball up on a 2 on 5, goes behind the back to evade a gamble for a steal, then pulls up and shoots a three with no one in offensive rebounding position. He makes it. The crowd goes "yay!".

On the next possession, he shoots a 30 foot three in rhythm with 21 seconds left on the shot clock. He does not make it. The crowd does no go "yay!".

Thus starts and ends your entire Timberwolves offense so far without Al Jefferson (who, for some bizarre reason, is starting on the bench, as are all the regularly scheduled Timberwolves starters other than Davis and possibly Ryan Gomes. So it was nice of them to bring their A-game to this one-off sporting event of great importance in a country that really needs to see the cream of the crop to make the sport catch on. Thanks for that, Randy Wittman).


- The experience of this decidedly mediocre game featuring two wildly mismatched teams is awkward enough, without it having to suffer from sloppy presentation. But it does. All NBA basketball coverage in this country is played in with the American audio feed, like I said earlier. But if it's a British Basketball League game, or some Eurobasket/ULEB Cup games, the same commentator does every single game. I've never learned his name other than "Roy", and I don't like him, So it fills me full of dread when I find out that he is the play by play commentator for this game. I'm not going to enjoy this.

Sure enough, within minutes, he fluffs his first name. Struggling for words after a Minnesota miss, Roy stumbles out this seminal phrase:

"And the rebound there.......by the big fella.....number 55.......whose name is.........Estebaaaaaaan, Basteeta!"

He took so long over looking up the guy's name that Brian Scalabrine (who is apparently going by the name Scallerbreen tonight, or so says our Roy) has had to time to run down the other end and clank a jumpshot. And when Roy does stumble upon the right name, he gets it wrong anyway.

Someone give me this fucking job. Do it now.


- One thing Roy does have going for him, though, is that he is a honky. This isn't necessarily a positive, and nor would being black necessarily a negative. But in relative terms, it's a rare and beautiful thing. As outlined above, Channel 5 has apparently decided to try and appeal to one extremely specific market, like a minority insurance broker would. But they didn't stop at the aforementioned adverts - they decided to black out the entire lineup of presenters. While still featuring the regular studio pairing of Mark Webster and Andre Alleyne (one of each there), the sideline reporter for this game is wheelchair basketball star Adrian Adepitan, and in the in-studio special guest for the game is DJ Jazzy Jeff, of all people. Jeff's inclusion in the show is extremely pointless, although he does OK. But Adepitan, while he brings plenty of energy and enthusiasm to the proceedings, doesn't exactly endear himself to the masses. Again, more on this later - racial intergration is going to be something of a subplot to this post.


- Back to the game, and Tony Allen has subbed in. The first two seasons of Allen's career were marked by decent defensive play and athleticism, but incredibly shoddy offensive skills. Without any real ball handling skills and with a bad jumpshot, Allen would turn the ball over a lot, and didn't exactly fit in fluidly with any schemes the Celtics put him in. However, for a two month cameo last season, Allen seemed to have turned the corner, with vastly improved dribbling skills, improving his scorng efficiency roughly tenfold. His knee then blew out, and his season was over. So now that he has returned, is he the Tony Allen of old, or the Tony Allen of old? (If that makes sense. Which it doesn't.)

Based on the incredibly small sample size offered up by this first quarter, it's the old Tony Allen that we see before us, not the reformed Tony Allen. He looks......bad. So here's to small sample sizes - the ultimate ignorance conraceptive.


- Considering this game was a sell out months in advance, there's a ridiculously large number of empty seats in this o2 arena, which wasn't particularly big to begin with. This annoys me. It's a similar problem to what the English Football Association is having with national games in the new Wembley Stadium - corporations and men in suits buy the tickets as a novelty rather than due to their passion for the sport, and then they don't turn up. The same happens in the front row of every year's World Snooker Championship Final. It's stupid. It also appears to have happened here, and so despite the organiser's best efforts to replicate the usual NBA product with unnecessary mid game music, cheerleaders and other such stupid shit, the place lacks atmosphere. Inbounds plays are accompanied with a deathly silence, and you can hear Kendrick Perkins run around shouting on defense. It's eerie, and very unpleasant.

If the NBA had put a better product on the floor tonight (and if Randy Wittman put his best product on the floor), people would focus more on the game. Then they might have a good time. Then they might want to watch it again some day. And then they might become fans of the game. Just a wild strategy I'm throwing out there.


- Towards the end of the first quarter, after a highlight play, the camera pans briefly to a shot of the Minnesota bench. A player who I can't identify (may have been Chris Richard) is seen standing in front of the bench, with no warm-up top on, but with his warm up pants jacked up extremely high. The resulting Simon Cowell-esque trousers look, combined with the garish colour clash of the jersey versus the warm-ups, made him look incredibly stupid. This needed pointing out.


- Another weird facet of this game is that both teams are being treated by the crowd as the home team, getting whooped and cheered in equal measure. The ringside announcer does likewise, shouting names such as Ricky Davis and Brian Scalabrine with similar enthusiasm. This is an odd experience that I've never had before. But it's not necessarily a bad one.


- Kendrick Perkins opened the game with an isolation play that resulted in him making a nice fallaway jumpshot. Since then, he's missed The World's Easiest Layup, flumped around awkwardly, tried to make a putback off the shot clock, and hasn't exactly oozed offensive efficiency. Still, he's alongside Kevin Garnett. It's not that important that he scores, really.


- By this time, Minnesota's lack of offense from anyone not called Ricky is proving to be a going concern. They finish the first quarter ahead, but only because Davis has 16 of their points. No one else has done anything of note, with the exception of surprise starter Theo Ratliff, who has 4 points (one off of an isolation play), and who looks like the Theo Ratliff of old. More on this later, because it's too baffling of a thought at this moment.


- When Minnesota comes off the court to end the quarter, the cameraman (who suffers from a bad case of the shakes all night) once again pans to the Minnesota bench. Juwan Howard comes off the bench to greet the players coming off the court, and puts his arm around Gerald Green, doing the Mr-Miyagi-Daniel-san thing for which he is there. He slaps Gerald on the arse. Then he rubs his arse in a circular motion. Then he slaps it twice more. This didn't need to happen. The athletic bumslap NEVER needs to happen. But if you are ever compelled to do it, just do it once. Anything more and it turns awkward. Juwan has proven this.


- Esteban Batista has grown his hair into a rather fluffy fashion. It doesn't make him look very menacing. Someone needs to have a word.


- Oh by the way, I forgot to mention something. At the top, when I was rambling about commentator Roy McWonderface and the all-black lineup surrounding him, I neglected to mention Roy's (ironically named) colour commentator. The choice for tonight's broadcast is former NBA scrub Steve Bucknell, a man whom you've either never heard of, or whom you confused for the international cricket umpire of a very similar name. The reason I forgot to mention this is that Bucknell has barely said a damn word throughout the entire broadcast to date. This, however, is a good thing, because it doesn't take long to transpire that he is really bad. He may know the game of basketball fairly well, but he, like Roy, does not know anything about any of the NBA players on show. Nevertheless, Buck is a trooper, and after Eddie House comes in and knocks down a three, Bucknell offers up this golden nugget:

"Eddie House is good."

Yep. Thank you Steve, you champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while?

Bucknell also delivers his lines in a monotone and yawn-enducing fashion. But more on that later, too.


- Gerald Green walks around between plays with a snarl on his face and an unnecessarily gangster lean in his walk, rivalled only by that of Tampa Bay Rays starting pitcher J.P. Howell. I'm not sure I like it. At least look a bit happier with your life. You're a millionaire for bouncing a ball around, your life could be worse.


- By the way, Violet Palmer is still Violet Palmer.


- A broken play winds up with the ball underneath Minnesota's basket, in the hands of Esteban Basteeta. The fluffy headed one sells an ever-increasingly elaborate series of up fakes to try and get his defender, Craig Smith, to bite. Smith does not do so, and the reason he does not do so is probably because the fakes were the most unimpressive ones since the days of Anthony Mason. Perhaps Batista should put those toys away now. Or just tone them down slightly. No pump fake should start from the knees and end up with full skyward extension. That's just overkill.


- OK, seriously? To quote Iain Dowie and Twiztid at the same time, Theo Ratliff's bouncebackability is off the chain. He looks younger, he is moving with a freedom not seen since his brief cameo with Portland immediately after his trade from Atlanta, and he's once again trying to block everything with varying degrees of success. He has also demonstrated at least three offensive moves. It's wild stuff. At this point I wish I was able to say something like "if Ratliff has a bounce back year, and Juwan Howard's second wind continues, then don't sleep on these young, talented Timberwolves this season". But I can't. Neither could you if you'd just watched them in that first quarter.


- This is the first game that I have ever seen Corey Brewer play. He has been absolutely unredoubtably awful. His awfulness was highlighted by a wide (wiiiiide) open corner three that hit the side of the backboard. Probably best to just scratch this game of his from my mind and pretend it didn't happen.


- Shave off the beard, Al Jefferson. I know a thing or two about shit beards, for I own one. And you, sir, have a shit beard.


- Roy The Commentator surpasses himself, calling Marko Jaric "Maric" twice on two straight possessions, and then calling Rashad McCants something too unspeakably funny to type here. I wish I could believe that this was on purpose, for it would make me like Roy more. But I can't. He's just that much of an idiot.


- Speaking of McC*nts: serious knee injury aside, has this guy improved any since his first year? All I see is the same one dimensional wild-jumpshot-jacking player as before. I'd quite like that to change. I think Minnesota would quite like that to change, too. He also chews his gum with way too much gusto. It's nice to have a bit of passion and energy in your life, but this shouldn't be the way that he chooses to express it. The gum chewing is so loud, and the arena is so quiet, that we can hear it on the broadcast.


- In my free hand notes, I have written this:

"gerald green has no idea what he is doing"

I can't remember what it references exactly, but I stand by it.


- 7 minutes left into the second quarter, and Minnesota's jumpshot airball count stands at 4. None were worse than Brewer's miss from the corner, athough Ryan Gomes had a very short range shot that he put way too much mustard on that was also pretty ugly. Amazingly they're still winning, despite Boston playing better on both ends of the floor. And it was all because of Ricky Davis's lucid moment.


- Coming up to half time now, and sideline reporter Ade Adepitan has landed us four sideline interviews with celebrities thus far. Those four have been West Ham United footballers Anton Ferdinand and Carlton Cole, Chelsea star Didier Drogba, and Simon Webb from the boy band Blue.

What do those 4 have in common?

(Hint: do a Google image search. And remember what I said earlier about subplots.)


- During a timeout, action cuts quickly back to Webster, Alleyne and Jazzy Jeff in the studio. Alleyne conducts a brief interview with Jazz, whom he calls "Jeff". I thought that was noteworthy. Anyway, Webbo asks Jeff who the best celebrity basketball player is. Jeff responds with "R Kelly's pretty good". Hmm, OK. Not the story I heard, but OK.

Webster then says that he wishes he was R Kelly, then quickly retracts it. Probably best.


- You know, I might like Boston this year. I have no reason to dislike them (apart from James Posey), yet historically I always have. I think it's because I'm naturally adverse to the colour green. This year, though, they have acquired Garnett and Ray Allen, as well we know. This now gives them three eloquent superstars with some semblance of personality and intelligence. I look for these characteristics in basketball players, and Boston now has it. I like that. They also have Scot Pollard.....

....and I'll leave that sentence hanging so that you can finish it to suit yourselves.


- Tony Allen needs wart surgery on his left shoulder. That thing is disconcerting.


- I'd just like to say that I love the fact that Brian Scalabrine is in this league. The only thing that makes me happier than being able to root for him day in and day out, is the fact that he's not on my team. Much like kids falling over in car parks, it's great fun when it happens to somebody else.


- Roy called him Marko Maric again. For God's sake. How hard is your job, Roy? Couldn't you have spent at least 15 seconds learning these things before the show started? Jesus H.


- By the way, speaking of Marko Maric, he's not playing very well today, but I'd dearly love to have him on any team of mine. That is, if he wasn't on a 6 year $40 million contract. And since he is......screw it, Minnesota can keep him.


- Steve Bucknell comes out with his second sentence of the game immediately after Roy says Maric, leading with the opening gambit "this Marko guy". There you go, Steve. At least you dare not try to overcome your ignorance. Sensible to stick with what you know.


- Eddie House ("good") makes a nice no-look pass to a cutting Basteeta for a dunk. The move is instantly replayed, as Roy announces it as being the "E.A. Spoots Go-To Move". So apparently his inability to talk properly stretches beyond just the players names. Hmmm. Maybe he's just caned or something.


- Oh God. Now Lewis freakin' Hamilton is being interviewed. We're now 5 to 0 on the Celebrity Sideline Interview Black Vs White ratio counter. And something tells me we're not quite done yet. It isn't even half time.


- Minnesota is playing absolutely terribly to end the first half, and finally relinquishes their lead, as Boston goes on a quick 13 point turnaround. Worringly, Minnesota is playing their normal bench lineup at this moment, which spells danger for the upcoming season. You should never read too much into preseason, but, if this is the best offensive continuity that they can manage with opening night only three weeks away.......there's going to be tears.


- Marko "Silvio" Maric is at the free throw line. Before he shoots his first shot, Roy lauds Marko's free throw shooting abilities, using the descriptive phrase "absolutely outstanding" to describe them. Marko then promptly misses the first. Has anyone done any scientific research on this commentator's curse thing? I swear it exists. Truly. Someone make this happen.


- In one run-on sentence spanning 8 seconds, using incredibly long vowel sounds, Roy The Commentator said, and I quote:

"Oh look at that dunk, by Paul Pierce! Excuse me, it's Kevin Garnett inside!!! I'll
say that again, it's Kendrick Perkins!!!!!!"

Sweet God. End it now.


- Half time is upon us, and Channel 5 lays on a whole host of nothingness to celebrate this fact. There is an obligatory Luol Deng montage which always accompanies any NBA footage in this country (and I'm totally fine with that), and some more talking with Jeffy Jazz. All Jeff seems to know about is the Philadelphia 76ers, and all his answers lead back to that subject soon enough. Before long, that's where the questions start off at, too. Additionally, British national basketball team head coach Chris Finch joins the studio crew at the half, improving the white American count by a tune of one, bringing the total up to....um, one.

As if on cue, Ade Adepitan has landed a brief interview with Brian Scalabreeeen on the sidelines. Ade opens the interview by saying "They call him Veal", and you've never seen a man's face turn from happy to livid faster than Scalabrine's did at that moment. He maintained this scowl all the time that Ade was prattling off his questions. But when it was Brian's turn to talk, he resumed his consistently chirpy nature. Scowl, smile, scowl, smile, scowl, smile. What an interview. I reiterate my previous sentiments about Brian Scalabrine. Ledge.


- The second half starts, and Juwan Howard is wearing a protective face mask. I can't remember seeing if he wore this in the first half. That's how inconsequential he was. I don't think he did. Either way, it doesn't suit.


- Not long into the second half, and Kendrick Perkins, starting from outside the three point line from straight away, dribble drives to the rim and makes a no-look hand off pass for a basket. I only have one question - where in the hell did that come from? And will it ever happen again? Oh wait, that's two questions.


- Minnesota's first field goal in the second half involves getting the ball to Ricky Davis 20 feet from the hoop, facing away from the hoop, and with everyone else clearing out. Ricky holds the ball for 5 seconds before taking a contested fallaway. It goes in. The crowd goes "yay!". That's the Ricky Davis Experience, folks, coming to a three point line near you.


- Roy calls Theo Ratliff, "Ratcliffe". I am currently priming a rifle.


- Minnesota is continuing their absolutely terrible run of play, one that began back in the second quarter. Boston seems to get a hand on every one of their passes, the Celtics have numerous breakaways including two-on-none's, and the Timberwolves have no offensive flow whatsoever. That said, they've amazingly looked better today when Sebastian Telfair has run the point. And believe me when I say that is not an endorsement of Sebastian Telfair.


- And just like that, speaking of Telfair, he leaves his feet to pass the ball and throws up a wild shot on a subsequent drive. So he's still Sebastian Telfair after all. It's a shame how little this boy has done so far with all the opportunity in the world.


- After a foul stops play and no continuation is called, Jaric shoots a shot towards the rim anyway. Garnett leaps up and blocks it just before it hits the rim, in that way that so many people like to do when the game has stopped. That seems like an activity fraught with danger to me. Maybe not as much danger as, say, nude luge on a sled made of porcupines, but still pretty dangerous. A goaltend is just around the corner. Has anyone been caught out doing this before? I need feedback on that.


- Sebastian Telfair makes a drive to the rim and hangs in the air, finishing beautifully with the left hand. Did I just do the commentator's curse in reverse? Hey, I rhymed. Cool.


- Ray Allen hits a 20 foot jumpshot, which prompts Roy The Commentator to exclaim, "Ray Allen has answered his critics here tonight". Ray Allen had critics?


- Juwan Howard's mobility, always poor, is even worse tonight. He moves gingerly and slowly, not able to get up and down the court faster than Dick Bavetta on the sidelines. And with that mask on, he also looks really silly doing it. Not a good sign here for Minnesota, as Howard remains a complete non factor in the game. The only thing he's down was give Green that cheeky rub up. Still, even a non-existant Juwan Howard is better to have than the net negative that was Mike James.


- Kendrick Perkins misses the first of two free throws, and I think I know why. He doesn't glance towards the rim until the very split second before he releases the ball. I can't see how you can get a decent scope of the distance when doing that. You might want to try looking for a bit longer, Kenny.


- Perkins makes the second. I'd like to think that I've made a difference here today.


- Kevin Garnett has looked quite bad on offense in this game. He's out of sync, a situation not helped by him not getting any touches. Despite being guarded by Juwan Howard and Ryan Gomes for long periods, the Celtics don't seem to have done much with that advantage, and Garnett has barely seen the ball. The rest of his game is all there tonight, but the team's sharing of the ball on offense isn't down pat yet.


- Right on cue, Roy says after a KG rebound, "Kevin Garnett is having an outstanding game". He has 5 points and 6 rebounds at that moment, midway through the third quarter. But I don't blame Roy for saying that. I think he was contractually mandated to say it, given that the only reason that 12,000 of the 18,000 people that are here for this game are only here because they know about Garnett, and the same is probably true of the majority of the viewers at home. (By the way, the empty seats have slowly filled, which is a relief.)


- More from Roy after a Garnett travel: "They haven't a problem with travelling any more in the NBA". Um, really? I think you'll find it may be the complete opposite there, Royster. The only reason you don't see as many travel calls any more is because they don't call them, not because they don't happen. Yeah, we really need to get a real NBA commentator in here. I'm free and willing.


- After that Garnett travel, he gets the ball on the two possessions immediately afterwards. On the first one he shoots an off-balance airball, and on the second he travels again. Definitely a bit of a mare for him tonight, on a night when an entire nation tuned in to watch him. And by "entire nation", I mean like 400,000 people.


- Roy, please stop pointing out the difference between NBA and FIBA rules. It's not like any of the viewing audience out there now the FIBA rules in the first place. And besides, your own grasp of the NBA rules is not that hot.


- Heh. Another interview. This one with another footballer, Aston Villa midfielder (and scourge of my fantasy league team) Nigel Reo-Coker. This whole "only interview black people" thing stopped being a joke a while ago.

In his interview, Nigel says without prompting, "I'm into basketball, obviously", then follows it up with "this is the first game I've ever been to".

Therefore, explain why it's "obvious"? Is it because you are black? Yes, yes I think it is. That's what Channel 5 wants us to learn from this. You're black! You like basketball! Watch our basketball shows! Genius marketing. Genius.


- Roy starts getting a bit too comfortable, and cites that Ray Allen was called for "illegal use of the feet, in the form of a foul". Not sure that terminology is going to catch on there, Roymond.


- HOLY BALLS! A Mexican wave at an NBA game! This baby has some life left in her yet! Maybe this is the moment that basketball was truly discovered in Britain. I love this country. We'll show those darn Yanks how to spectate at sporting events, by God. Someone get drunk and inflate a crowd sized beach ball, like at the cricket. We run this shit now.


- Another travel called on Garnett. But never mind, he'll be subbed out in a minute. Doc Rivers hasn't gone 17 deep yet.


- Minnesota is down 12 at the end of the third quarter. On their first possession of the fourth quarter, Roy says that they are in a "must score situation". Funny, I thought that they were only down 12 with 12 minutes left. But then, what would I know. I ain't a patch on ol' Roy here. Please don't invent drama. Thanks.


- On Roy's advice, Minnesota begins the fourth with some of the best play that they've put up so far tonight. Once again, they look better when Telfair is running things. Although maybe that's more due to the House/T. Allen/Posey/Scalabreen/Basteeta lineup that Doc Rivers is giving a rare but beautiful airing to. Yeah, actually, it's that.


- Follow up point on Batista - ever since he was signed by the Hawks back in the offseason of 2005, I have tracked his progress intensely, and watched almost every minute he played over the next two seasons. Don't ask me why this was, because I don't really know. In that time, I saw nothing of note, other than a good rebounder without an NBA calibre game. The Hawks seemed to agree, leaving him unrestricted this summer. However, after the FIBA tournament (of which I did not see a single minute), everyone waxed lyrical about his awesomeness and all-around skills. I didn't see any of his play in this tournament, nor did I see much skill in his time at Atlanta. But I shut my mouth and chose a path of skepticism.

Tonight's performance has reaffirmed my stance here. He's not good.


- Sideline interview number 7 is with Ashley Walters, who apparently is a big name in the British music scene (what would I know, I listen to bluegrass). He, too, is black. But Adepitan teases us beforehand saying (I shit you not):

"Just to show that we're not totally biased, we're showing someone that isn't....."


........black? Nope........


"......a footballer."

Way, way, way beyond a joke now. Basically, Ade is just interviewing his friends. No, really, he is. You should see how well they're all getting along. Well, except Drogba. And he's just a miserable bastard anyway.


- To follow up on that, you have to understand that I'm not offended by the stream of black people being interviewed just because they're black. Not at all. It's just that it is just really irresponsible for Channel 5 this to not just allow this blatant niche marketing to happen, but also to actively push for it. I'm well aware of the fact that basketball is a big name sport in black communities, and that the majority of players at the top level are black. But there's a reason black people are considered an ethnic minority in this country - it's because there are fewer of them. So by focusing solely on them (oh you are, don't front like you aren't), you're freezing out the majority. And it's not a good idea for a TV channel to freeze out the majority viewership of something they're trying quite hard to make a success. I'm just saying. Make the show appeal to everybody, and see who sticks around. It's not that hard.


- Corey Brewer finally did something right, getting a steal by trapping on the baseline. Then he ran into Violet Palmer and lost the ball. Yep, I'll definitely just disregard this outing.


- Right on cue, Brewer hits a mid range jumpshot. Yay! Start of big things for the boy.


- Midway through the fourth quarter now, and someone seems to have handed Roy a memo on how to pronounce Scalabrine, for he finally gets it right. He then calls Gabe Pruitt "Gabby", and does so for the rest of the game. Shoot me now. No, wait, shoot Roy now.


- The resident court mopper for this game is a man with a big pile of towels. Oh dear. I guess us plucky Brits haven't quite got this NBA thing down yet. Give us time.


- By the way, throughout all this, Craig Smith is still the don. Minnesota has not put up a good showing, largely due to them airing out a few lineups that we'll never see again. But Smith has shined, despite not being particularly effective on offense. Chris Richard, too, has done OK in his limited minutes, and despite currently being the 16th man on a roster of 15 guaranteed contracts, I think Minnesota knows full well that they have to somehow fit this guy in. If they waive him and keep Mark Madsen, it's not exactly going to be easy for McHale and Taylor to prove that they know what they're doing. That's a battle that they've been losing for a few years already. Now would be a good time to turn it around. Don't make a good pick and then lose him.


- I've said it before, but it bears repeating - this colour commentator Steve Bucknell is absolutely awful. Right now it's even weirder than before. As this game draws to a climax, and the atmosphere really picks up, Bucknell's dulcit tones and slow delivery have gotten even worse,and his volume level has gone down. He's now basically whispering. The only advantage is that he's hardly said a word. Someone please get the Jon Champion/Richard The Director's Assistant pairing from the 2000 Olympics coverage back. They had it going on. Alternatively, borrow some knowledgable Yanks for one night only. I bet Kevin Calabro would have done it, and he's sublime.


- The 8th and penultimate sideline interview is with another black footballer. This one is with Darren Bent, the Tottenham Hotspur (booooo!) and England (yaaaay!) footballer. Things get off to a great start when Ade Adepitan introduces him as Darren Brent, a slip that seems to go unnoticed. Also, Ade brings home what I was saying earlier about both interviewing his friends, and also going for the black appeal thing, as he utters the timeless phrase "that top is blinging, blood".

Again, it doesn't need doing. I appreciate that that's how you talk, Ade, and I'm totally cool with that. I have friends from London too. But it's just another example of the problem here - it's making it harder for white folks to get into the program when it's so constant like this. Let's find a middle ground, eh?

The interview also starts with another teasing line, when Ade opens with, "just to show we aren't biased, here's a non-West Ham player". Ho ho ho, once again I thought he was going to say "a white person"!

And it also features stunning insight such as this:

Adepitan: "Who's your favourite player out there today?"
Brent: "Lebron."

Awesome. Five consistently rolling out a quality product.


- Corey Brewer misses two foul shots and then commits a silly foul to complete his bad day, and Doc Rivers goes for it with the full bench lineup over the final 5 minutes. This bench lineup includes Glen "Big Baby" Davis, who absolutely schools Chris Richard on a baseline spin immediately after entering. Davis then proceeds to shine for the final few minutes, which is great fun for one simple reason.

Normally, whenever an NBA game enters garbage time, at least one player of the ten on the floor at the end is a cut above the rest. He's only in there because the team can only have 12 active players a night, and therefore has no more scrubs to offer up. So this one player gets a chance to shine in the final few moments, and the fact that they are so much better than everybody else becomes quickly apparent. Such a situation has arisen here with Davis, who is by far and away the best player on the court for either side. But Marko Jaric thinks HE is this player, and is playing accordingly, shooting sweeping hook shots and fallaway jumpers. He misses them all in due course. You're not doing yourselves any favours here, Marko.

This also marked the first time I ever caught on to the irony of Glen Davis playing in the McDonalds High School game. Hooray for me!


- We just have time for two more snippets of Roy before the final whistle sounds on a comfortable Boston win.

1) After Glen Davis hits a jumpshot: "if Davis doesnt have a contract, he's trying to get one". Come on now Roy. It's a simple matter of record. Just fucking ask me if you want to know. I'm available to help.

2) Starting his summary, Roy again says "Garnett has had a fabulous game here". He really hasn't. Really! It's easy to follow the commentary textbook, isn't it? Now do some proper work.



- At the end of the game, the 9th and final interview takes places. It is with grime and hip hop artist, Dizzie Rascal.

Kill me now. It's not worth the fight any more.




I think I have more passion for the NBA game than the rest of this country combined. A little passion goes a long way. But when combined with the "ins" that I've cultivated in recent years, plus my talkiness and habit for stupid metaphors, I firmly believe that I could single handedly begin to raise the profile of the sport in this country.

And perhaps I ought.

I just don't know how to go about it.