Summer league round-up: Milwaukee Bucks

View the Bucks summer league roster.

- Joe Alexander: If you had expected the Joe Alexander/Scott Skiles marriage to end well for Joe Alexander, then.....well, you're an idiot. Alexander is going to be a hollow shell of his former self, destroyed, a broken man, by the he gets free from the oppression and the tyranny of Scott Skiles's leadership. Skiles is a geezer and a great defensive coach with an always amusing hairline and the permanently contrite face of an "angry looking man" (a real quote, yet sadly not mine), but if there's one thing he hates it's players who repeatedly make defensive mistakes. And Joe Alexander is a player that repeatedly makes defensive mistakes. John Hammond, do yourself a favour, and trade Alexander while you can still get someone like the calibre of J.J. Hickson for him. Because if you don't do it now, you'll only get less later.

(It also didn't help Alexander that he supposedly receive an in-house suspension from his team for digging all up in the bones of one of the cheerleaders, which is depressingly against the rules. If I knew which one it was, I'd oblige you with a picture. But I don't.)

- Paul Delaney: In part three of my exceptionally long draft diary (no one really read parts two and three; I might have to make it about 9,000 words shorter next season), I mentioned how I had seen Robert Vaden of UAB play one game, a game in which he shot 0-17. Well, Paul Delaney was Vaden's backcourt mate at UAB, and last year he averaged 16.1 ppg to Vaden's 17.6 ppg, on 9.8 FGA per game to Vaden's 15.4 FGA per game, on 5.8 FTA per game to Vaden's 2.9 FTA per game, on 56% shooting to Vaden's 40% shooting. Indeed, only one other player in UAB's small rotation shot over 45% - 6'8 junior forward Howard Crawford. Delaney led his team in field goal percentage, steals and assists, while being second in scoring and fourth in rebounds. Yet Vaden is the one that gets drafted. Alrighty.

- Dominic James: James isn't actually going to be with the Bucks summer league team. He was initially announced as a part of the roster, but he sprained his ankle sufficiently badly that he can't now play, and had to be replaced. This is the same guy who broke his foot down the stretch of his senior season, with his team making an NCAA tournament run, and finally killing his already tenuous draft stock. He can't catch a break, it seems. And I totally intended that pun.

- Brandon Jennings: I want to like Brandon Jennings. How can anyone not? It's the year 2009, yet Jennings still rocks out a hi-top fade with a slight mohawk finish. That's to be applauded. However, considering Jennings' poor play last year, his less than humble quotes from before draft night and that whole Joe Budden thing, he's making himself hard to like. Nonetheless, I'm open minded about this. So wow me, BJ. (Giggidy.)

- Amir Johnson: Here's why I don't think nearly as highly of Amir Johnson as Bucks fans seem to do; he's now played 4 years in the NBA and he's still going to summer league. You can argue that this is just so that he gets familiar with the team, and they with he, but bollocks to that. He's going to summer league because he still plays like a rookie. He still fouls at a ridiculous rate, and his offensive skills still don't really exist. And that's a guy you're paying $3,941,667 to next year (not what it sucrrently listed ont he salaries pages). Good luck to you with that, but I#d temper those expectations if I were you.

- Luc Richard Mbah A Moute: If Joe Alexander is emblematic of the Scott Skiles regime, then so is the Fresh Prince. Offensively challenged (his eFG on jumpshots last year was .318%), Mbah A Moute nonetheless played big minutes at three positions due to his defensive skills, versatility, and ability to not make too many mistakes. Many of these minutes came at the expense of Alexander, whose offensive upside had to defer to Mbah A Moute's defensive abilities, even when mired in a 34 win season. It's no knock on Lermam, who's a straight baller, but that's just the Skiles way. It's going to work, too, when the Bucks make the playoffs next year. But after that, brace yourself, because his shelf life is usually short.

- Will McDonald: McDonald will be 30 before next season starts, and he's still never made the NBA. He's had a few summer league stints (the Warriors in 2003, the Heat in 2004, the Celtics in 2005) but he's never signed in the NBA, not even for training camp. It's not held him back though, as he has turned in a good European career on some big name teams. As evidence of that, last year McDonald was the starting centre for Tau Ceramica, and averaged 9.1 points and 4.4 rebounds in the Euroleague. McDonald is not a good rebounder, at all, but he can score the ball. And if you're an offensively skilled 6'10 American, the NBA will pay some attention to you.

- Jodie Meeks: Meeks has already signed a three year contract, where he will backup Charlie Bell, the backup to Michael Redd. Those two dodgy contracts will expire eventually, so there's hope yet for Meeks ever seeing the court.

- Juan Palacios: Someone asked me for a Juan Palacios update back in January. So I gave them one. (Remember, I take requests.) Nothing really changed since then; Palacios' end of season averages were basically the same, and he's continued his four year long trend of getting worse and not better. Yet for some reason, the NBA is interested in him anyway. Palacios also appeared on the Kings summer league roster last year, but he played all of three minutes. They took a few too many players, to be honest. 17 players for 5 games is a bit much.

- Chris Richard: The Minnesota Timberwolves have had a lot of bigs over the last two years. They currently have 8 under contract (Kevin Love, Al Jefferson, Craig Smith, Mark Madsen, Oleksiy Pecherov, Brian Cardinal, Darius Songaila, Etan Thomas), and have Shelden Williams and Jason Collins as unrestricted free agents. They just drafted Henk Norel in the second round, took Nikola Pekovic the year before, and took Loukas Mavrokefalidis in the 2006 draft. They've recently had illicit liaisons (however unsatisfying and brief) with Wayne Simien, Michael Doleac, Juwan Howard, Antoine Walker, John Edwards, Paul Shirley and Vin Baker, And in last year's training camp, they brought in former first round picks David Harrison and Rafael Araujo to fight for a spot. It's probably not surprising, then, that Chris Richard got squeezed out.

Richard was waived in last year's training camp - along with Araujo and Harrison - in favour of Jason Collins and Kevin Ollie, which probably destroyed his soul. He then went to the D-League, becoming the first overall pick of the D-League draft by the Tulsa 66ers. Richard then turned in a couple of underwhelming months, averaging 12.0 points and 8.3 rebounds, got named to the All Star team anyway, before breaking a bone in his back in late January. This represents his comeback. He's never going to be a Buck, though, because while the Bucks would love to be able to salary dump Dan Gadzuric, Francisco Elson and Malik Allen (sans Skiles), they can't. And therefore there's no roster spot available for him.

- Salim Stoudamire: Why the hell did the Bucks sign Salim Stoudamire? I don't know. They signed him in early April, just before the end of the season, and then never played him in any games. He signed through 2010, too, and even though the contract is not fully guaranteed, he's now on the books for a minimum salary greater than it would be if he signed him this summer instead (due to the league's reimbursement scheme thingy that I can't be arsed to explain). More importantly, they simply didn't need him, and now that they've drafted Meeks, they really don't need him. So why is he still here?

- Szymon Szewczyk: Szewczyk must be a popular surname in Poland, because there's at least 5 of them on the professional basketball circuit. Games of Scrabble must be brilliant over there, too. Szewczyk was a Bucks second round draft way back in 2003, whom they've never signed at any point, and whose draft rights they therefore still own. Most unsigned second rounders never signed because they sucked too hard (e.g. Ramon van de Hare), but Szewczyk's not had a bad career. Last year for Lokomotiv Rostov in Russia, he averaged 12.1 points and 5.9 rebounds in 24 minutes per game, numbers that improved to 14.3 points and 7.1 rebounds in the EuroChallenge. He's soon to be 27 years old, and his hairline has started to go, but he's done all right for himself, regardless of the non-existence of his NBA career.

- Mohammed Tangara: Tangara was name as the late replacement for Dominic James. And he's nothing like James. He's.......he's a hard one to find anything out about. Here's what I've got: Tanagara is from Mali (it's a country, geography fans!) and attended Mount Zion Christian Academy from 2003-04, the school more famous for churning out Tracy McGrady. From there, he went on to spend 4 years at Arizona, where his best statistical saw him rocket up the scoreboards with averages of 1.6 ppg and 1.0 rpg. He scored 39 points total in his four year Arizona career, with 34 of them coming in his sophomore campaign back in 2005/06. Then, via means I'm not entirely sure of (presumably got a redshirt in there somewhere), Tangara played a fifth season last year with the Chaminade Silverswords, a Division 2 team that you've probably never heard of. Once there, he averaged 14.4ppg and 8.7rpg, shooting 57% from the field and 83% from the foul line. Groovy. He finally did something, even if he had to go to Division 2 to do it.

Tangara is 25 years old next month, and measures in at roughly 6'8 and 248 pounds-ish. Which part of that back story is NBA calibre? You tell me. But I like the optimism. Maybe this two minute highlight reel of a half-naked Tanagara will reveal all:



....nope, still nothing. But his official website carries the amusing slogan, "Now Is The Time For Redemption," which would imply that Tangara is either a devoted Christian or a future homicidal maniac with delusion of religious grandeur. You decide.

For all future Mohamed Tangara questions, ask him yourself.

- Lorrenzo Wade: Wade is a decent size swingman who doesn't rebound, is a mediocre three point shooter and who turns it over way too much. He's a decent athlete and slasher, but so is almost everyone at the NBA level. And most of them don't have those other flaws. What I'm saying to you here is that Wade doesn't have NBA talent. No offense, Lorrenzo.

Preview Sort Of Thing: Milwaukee Bucks

The Milwaukee Bucks and their new head coach Scott Skiles are an eclectic mix. Recent Skiles-free Bucks teams have been capable of repeated instances of spectacularly bad defense, whereas recent Skiles-led Bulls teams (last year excluded) have been one of the best defensive units in the NBA. Make no mistake about it - Scott Skiles can coach defense. He really can. He even made Michael Sweetney and Eddy Curry into decent defensive players, briefly.

In theory, therefore, a union of the two will bring the much needed defensive improvement to an offensively strong Milwaukee lineup. Or at least, that's one way to look at it. Alternatively, Milwaukee might have just hired a coach that them away from their strengths, further exposing the flaws in their personel. This could go either way.

For every Skiles strength, there is a big Skiles flaw. While he's shown that he can teach help defense to those players previously written off as futile, he also has an awful playbook. While he can coach guards onto better things, he can't coach big men, yet insists that he can. For every young player that thrives under his guidance, one more will be alienated and broken. For every amusing sarcastic comment he makes to the press, he'll make someone hate him. And for every glimpse of the remaining strip of hair across his head that he claims as a hairline......well, actually, there's no flaw to that, it's awesome.

Perhaps mercifully, the Bucks don't have too many young players. Their identity as a veteran team looking for something to push them back into contention was cemented this summer, when they dealt the closest thing that they had to a promising youngster - Yi Jianlian - as the primary piece for an in-his-prime Richard Jefferson. In free agency, the Bucks picked up Skiles's bitch, Malik Allen, as well as other veteran backups Tyronn Lue and Francisco Elson. Trading away Mo Williams saw the Bucks get little of use back on the court, but they did receive Adrian Griffin, Skiles's other bitch, and another old fart with no potential. These moves combined to send out a rather clear signal - they'd quite like to make the playoffs next year, please.

It's probably true to say that the core of Bucks players would be good enough to compete for the East if you significantly improved their defense. They have weapons, after all. Along with one of the league's best shooters in Michael Redd, the Bucks boast the vastly improved Andrew Bogut playing exclusively in the posts. They also now offer 20 point scoring small forward Richard Jefferson and 48 point scoring power forward Charlie Vllanueva, who both offer something of an inside/outside game. And while the point guard duo of Luke Ridnour and Ramon Sessions offer little outside shooting, they're willing and able to pass, which should help.

But it's not as easy as just adding a shit-hot defensive coach. Scott Skiles has clearly defined strengths, thereby seperating him from many NBA coaches (hello, Larry Krystowiak!), but he also has his flaws. Even in the early going, these flaws are showing through. The Sessions/Griffin/Fresh Prince/Allen/Elson lineup has already reared its ugly head on more than once occasion in preseason, and if you want to excuse its presence as being injury- or preseason-induced, then you need to start bracing yourself, because Scott Skiles is VERY willing and able to use Malik Allen as a go-to guy. You have been warned. (Note: this threat is doubly true, given that Allen represents the Bucks' best pick and pop option. Pick and pops are about the limit of Skiles's playbook creativity. Expect Andrew Bogut to be involved in dozens of them, irrespective of his complete lack of a jumpshot.)

That lineup represents the Bucks' closest replication of what Scott Skiles loves more than anything as a coach: players who don't make silly mistakes, talent be damned. If that unit - or any unit - can't get a shot off in 24 seconds, or even get the ball over halfcourt, then no matter, just as long as they rotate on defense and don't get all unnecessarily talented on his ass. This is why thinly veiled threats to start Allen (or Mbah A Moute) over Villanueva have already been made. Villanueva's talent level makes him a far better option at satrting power forward than any possible Bucks alternative, yet precisely because of the nature of his flaws, he may lose playing time. As a coaching philosophy, this mistake-free, defense-first-and-only style gets your players and your team to a certain level of production and success. And then it will keep you there.

Of course, I'm biased. I've watched all bar about seven games of Scott Skiles's tenure, and while I used to defend him vigorously, those days passed once his flaws became more evident. I've witnessed Kirk Hinrich become temporarily brilliant, and yet I've witnessed Tyson Chandler emerge into an elite rebounder and useful offensive presence....for someone else. I've seen Chris Duhon play 8000 minutes, and yet I've seen Thabo Sefolosha become damaged irrepairably. I've seen a Bulls roster overhauled, gain an identity, assume a certain style of play, overachieve, tune out their coach, and fall apart. And it's affected my bias somewhat. I refuse to apologise for this.

Scott Skiles is a coach, whose CV screams "short term improvements". He has been united with a previously mismanaged team, now primarily focused on finding "short term improvements". That team's weaknesses fit in perfectly with Skiles's strengths. The fit is so perfect that it shouldn't be allowed.

And yet, I'm not convinced. Because I've been there.


Short term future: They'll be better than under Krystkowiak, mainly due to the loss of Krystkowiak. Scott Skiles at least knows what he's doing, and half the team will benefit from it. The other half will be moved.
Long term future: See the above Bulls cycle. I'd like to be wrong.

Incest Is Best (Also titled: Sham's Draft Novel, Pt 1)

I have a confession to make. I have an addiction.

It took an intervention of sorts, but I am willing to admit it: I am addicted to the NBA. Even when it's boring. Even when it's corrupt. Even when my team sucks. Even though I'm in the wrong continent. Even when doing so is to the direct detriment of my sleep pattern and general health. I am addicted to suckling every molecule of informative fecal matter from the grand protuding arse of NBA factoids, garnering even the most boring information about these people that I'll never meet, who just so happen to play a sport that I love, despite my never having played a game of it. This isn't something I'm proud of. I'd definitely rather have a sex addiction, or a relatively sedate heroin problem. But, so be it.

Nothing is more indicative of the grip of my addiction than the annual NBA Draft. I make no secret of the fact that I don't know anything about the potential draftees. I do not get to watch NCAA games, and so I will not pretend to know about them, and formulate broad sweeping generalisations of these players based off of the opinions of others. No, that would just be silly. Instead, I prefer to typecast people based off of my first impressions, a fleeting couple of minutes to judge the worth of the person presented to us. Who doesn't love doing this? This is why, as a species, we go speed dating. We are all prone to prejudice based on appearance. Let's just learn to accept it and make sure that we take it out on sportsmen - the ultimate punching bag, serving only as an outsource for our prejudice, immune from retribution.

This year, I went for a slightly different approach. Instead of spending the evening before the draft starts smearing my body in the veritable bounty of rumours made public, Scrooge-McDucking it up amongst their unmeasurable riches, I decided to stay off of the internet until the draft started so that there'd be an element of suspense for me in an otherwise increasingly predictable experience. (The other reason for this is that I fell asleep.)

Added drama hit the ShamBulls household on this particular draft night, as an as-yet-undiagnosed internet problem has left us with an annoyingly slow DSL connection, which meant that I wouldn't be able to watch the draft online, or even listen to it. (You wouldn't believe the number of Americans who told me to "go to a bar or something", as their remedy for this crisis. Oh you silly, silly fools. If it were possible to watch the draft on a TV set, don't you think I'd start there?) So, to watch the draft, and to be able to write the following anti-climactic piece, desperate measures were called for.

As a result, I drove to my friend's house at 1am, let myself in, and watched the draft in her front room for 5 hours as she slept upstairs. Now THAT'S how you feed an addiction.

(I then sold her TV for crack.)

I finally got a stream working about 90 seconds before the Bulls made the first pick of the night, and it is from there that My Totally Boring Draft Diary begins. (Written in realtime, even though it isn't. Not sure why.)

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- The first shot I see is one of the Bulls "War Room", in which General Manager John Paxson can be seen sitting down, biting his nails, surrounded by a lot of anonymous men in anonymous suits. I have only four questions:

a) Why do we have to do this War Room tradition every year?
b) Why are we pretending that some intense last minute decision making is going on in there, when it's clearly a bunch of men in suits watching themselves on the telly, their minds made up hours ago?
c) Why do we only get the War Room for the team picking first, when clearly that's the ONE room in which nothing frantic is going to be happening?
d) What the hell is wrong with Vinny Del Negro's ears?



- Also, where is Steven A. Smith? He seems to have been bumped from the analysts panel, and regardless of how much or how little you think of Mark Jackson, you surely know that this Smith's removal is a good thing. Less of a good thing are Stu Scott's glasses, recently borrowed from Tampa Bay Rays manager Joe Maddon on what we can only assume was a lost bet. Which is pretty much how Maddon got them from Joe 90 in the first place.



- Pick 1: A few seconds after leaving the war room shot, Commissioner David Stern walks up to the podium - to more cheers than he got at the NBA Finals trophy presentation - and, sure enough, he announces that the Bulls take Derrick Rose first overall in a move that shocks literally no one. Instantly we are thrown back to the green room, just in case the cameras accidentally caught something interesting. They didn't. The Bulls men in suits awkwardly clap themselves, and a single handshake is offered up by whoever sat nearest the camera. Yep, that green room camera was TOTALLY worth it. Let's do it again next year.

- Derrick Rose's interview offers up four interesting discoveries.

a: Steven A. Smith is seemingly doing the interviews this year. So we weren't finally free from him after all.

b: Rose's nickname is "Pooh", which is odd, but somewhat synonymous with roses at least.

c: He talks like a complete and total weirdo: slowly, deeply, extremely simple and formulaic diction, and not one single solitary word worth remembering.

d: His mum has exactly the same voice as him.

This was enough to make me apprehensive about the pick. Name the last player who was completely impersonable to lead his team to a championship. Seriously. It's quite hard, isn't it? Garnett, Shaq, Rasheed Wallace, Jordan.....I guess you have to go back as far as Olajuwon to find the most recent example, and he wasn't THAT bad. And Hakeem has the ol' English-as-a-second-language fallback that Rose will never have. This bugs me. (Tim Duncan doesn't count, by the way, because he's brilliant in ways that Derrick Rose never will be, and also because counting him invalidates my already-tenuous point.)

This brings us neatly into pick number two.....

- Pick 2 .....where the highly personable Michael Beasley is taken by Miami, who idly threatened not to pick him for a few weeks. If you bought into any of that bobbins, shame on you. Really. A plague on both your houses. It was the least convincing acting job since Val Kilmer in Top Secret, and if you thought there was any legitimate chance of them picking anyone other than the instant 20ppg scoring forward, then you really need to re-think how much you trust people.

Jay Bilas chimes in, touting Beasley's "second jump ability" as soon as he opens his mouth, which seems like a weird place to begin praising the most surefire star in this draft. (Well, so I've heard.) Beasley bounds up confidently to the stage, but then lets us all down by not signing David Stern's head. Shame.

Doris Burke - who is to spend the whole evening conducting green room interviews, flexing her biceps, and looking genuinely concerned and/or relieved at all times - interviews Beasley's mother, Fa-TEE-ma Smith. Doris congratulate Fa-TEE-ma on raising five kids by herself - the obvious connotations of this aside - but neglects to mention how stupid the infection in her first name is. (Also note: this instance marks the first time tonight in which the mother being interviewed has a different surname to the player just drafted. It's also not the last.)

- Pick 3 sees the Minnesota Timberwolves - who didn't have to try hard to suck this year - pick O.J. Mayo, who treats us to the first three piece suit of the night, as well as Sam Mitchell's glasses. This news breaks Jay Bilas's heart, as his "Best Available" list sees Brook Lopez confidently listed as the third best player in this draft. As Jeff Van Gundy comforts Bilas off-camera (maybe), Stu Scott asks the panel about the Jermaine O'Neal trade.

Woah, hang on: WHAT Jermaine O'Neal trade? Can someone please elaborate? Some of us were asleep and missed this. Don't assume that we know. Help me!!!

(No one elaborates. I am left floundering.)

There follows a brief O.J. Mayo interview, in which he awkwardly stares directly at the camera while describing how he will do whatever it takes to help the team win (a cliché that's currently appeared in all three draftee interviews), before we cut to a video conference with an extremely tired looking Pat Riley overdubbing a video clip of Michael Beasley's vertical leap test. Hasn't anybody told them? Beasley is 6'9! He's too small to be a power forward in the NBA! Even I know that, and I don't know anything! (Note: that bit about 6'9 being too short? That was satire.)

- Russell Westbrook is chosen by Seattle with Pick 4, in a move that draws audible stares from the panel, and a startled noise of bewilderment from the crowd. Jay Bilas confidently weighs in to fill the airtime void, exclaiming "who would have thought, this time last year, that Westbrook was a possible top 4 draft pick?". He probably could have changed "year" to "week".

Stephen A's interview with Westbrook lasts for precisely one question, before he is forced to throw it over to Doris Burke, who is subconsciously challenging Kevin Durant to an arm wrestle. The television executives believe that we, Joe Public, really want to hear Kevin Durant's views on his team's decision to draft Westbrook. And if Durant had something negative to say, they'd be right. Something like this, maybe;

"What? WHAT??? Russell Westbrook? Are you f***ing kidding me? Russell Westbrook? Who the f*** is Russell Westbrook? Here I am, stuck on my arse playing out of position, trying to win games single handedly as Chris bloody Wilcox is the second option right now......and you get me Russell f***ing Westbrook? RUSSELL WESTBROOK???!?!?? Don't just move the franchise; fold the f****r."

But, unfortunately, this didn't happen. Durant smiled, said words so meaningless that I can't even remember them, and the world continued to spin. While I love the drama of the draft, purely for the way that the entire NBA landscape can change within 4 hours, it could definitely be better television. Maybe there could be some monster truck racing between picks.

- Pick 5: Kevin Love goes to Memphis. I guarantee you, GUARANTEE YOU, that I thought of the Gay/Love jokes before you did. That shit was instantaneous, I swear to God. As was the subsequent Hakim Warrick for Luther Head trade idea. Stern hadn't even got the word "Love" out and I was concocting "Love Gay Head" blog posts. Good times. Between Kevin Love and Lopez twins, we have the outlines of a fine All-Porn Star Rookie Team here.

The subsequent Kevin Love analysis has warning flags all over it. Bilas begins the ultimate he's-not-that-good cliché round-up ("he knows how to play the game, he has a great feel for the game, and he's strong"), and as footage, ESPN choose to show Love's ability to hit 80 foot three pointers, before flashing up the polarizing caption "Must Improve: Explosion Ability". Is that even possible? Or is "explosion ability" just a soubriquet for "skin pigment"? I'd be worried about this pick right now if I was a Grizzlies fan. Add it to the list of things to worry about down there.

Then, things improve. First, we learn that Kevin Love's uncle Mike is the lead singer of the Beach Boys (I looked up whether Mike's name was Mike Love, and it was, so that's good news), and then both Kevin and the rest of "The Love Family" are interviewed. Kevin shows himself to be eloquent, friendly, and not firmly adhered to the interview chair like most other draftees, while his father Stan Love nervously twirls what looks like an iPod during his turn, apparently threatened by Doris Burke's hulking beauty. Following this, Stu Scott tries to build up the drama, for the hometown Knicks are picking next, but he is undermined slightly by the camera cutting to a shot of a Knick fan yawning. This was a good montage.

- Pick 6: The Knicks surprise and thoroughly piss off their travelling faithful by picking Danilo Gallinari to a resounding chorus of boos, which Gallinari overlooks with good grace. Even the panel had to backpedal, having talked about the Knicks selecting every candidate other than Danilo before the pick was made. Fran Fraschilla interjects with the soothing declaration that Gallinari "will not be a superstar", which didn't help to assuage the rising angst of the gathered New Yorkers. (Seriously, at number 6, wouldn't you at least pick a guy with an outside chance of this happening? If only a faint one? Especially if you're the Knicks? And why another small forward when they can't shift two of the four that they already have? Still, it's good news for the current Jared Jeffries bet that I have got going, which I stand to win unless Jeffries averages 9.5 points a game. Basically I've won it already.)

Stu Scott tries to brighten proceedings, by announcing that Gallinari already has a personalised shoe, called the "Reebok Rooster", helpfully pointing out that "Galli" is Italian for rooster. Thus, if you didn't already know, Gallinari is forever after known as "The Italian Cock". Good times.

(EDIT - "Nari" is an Italian name, meaning "Happy". Thus, Danilo Gallinari is, literally, Cock Happy. I'm going to tell this joke over a million times in the coming days.)

SAS's interview with Gallinari focuses on little else but the booing Knicks fans, which seems unfair. (You could say that Steven A. Smith was trying to manhandle The Cock. In fact, I will say that.) Gallinari copes with it well, citing the fact that he will win them over when they see that he "plays hard", a cliché now invoked of 5 of the 6 interviews so far. I'd like to see more "I will give it only the merest token effort during my time here" interviews, just to mix it up a little.

- Eric Gordon is chosen by the L.A. Clippers as Pick 7, taking to the stage in a get-up that I originally wrote in my notebook as "sharp", before crossing it out in favour of "shit".



White jacket, black trousers, black and white stripey shirt with a plain white collar. How very.....something.

It is pointed out that 5 of the first 7 players chosen are college freshman, but at no point does anyone mention why. (Has this 19 year old age limit really changed anything?) There follows an Eric Gordon montage, featuring him shooting jumpshots from around his right ear, a commentary that describes him as a small two guard, plus a screenshot that cites "ball handling" as a weakness. So my first impressions of Eric Gordon are unflattering at best.

We leave this high octane moment to cut to someone called Wendy Nix interviewing new Knicks president Donnie Walsh (oh, I see what they did there!) who is wearing Pacers colours. Walsh, looking a lot like a Mafia capo, lets down this image when he speaks without an Italian American New York drawl. Still, he's in the right place for it now. Maybe he can develop one.

Jeff Van Gundy explains that the Knicks don't need point guard help because they have Stephon Marbury. Everybody is stunned into a submissive silence.

- Pick 8: Joe Alexander goes to Milwaukee. I don't know who he is, or what he's about, but I'm calling him "Diamond", because all people with the name Joe get that prefix. Similarly, all Petes are "Pistol", all Daves are "Dynamite" and all Marios are "Super". These things write themselves.

The compulsory montage offers the viewer the chance to see Joe Alexander's baby pictures, which must be something that he consented to, but for reasons that I cannot possibly fathom. Clips of his play show that Alexander is a keen proponent of The White Guy Run™, the ultimate warning sign for any draftee. (FYI, The White Guy Run™ is a run defined by absolutely no arm movement, even when running at full tilt.) Name two players who star in this league, even when burdened with The White Guy Run™. You can't. Yao Ming is one, but the second.......he just doesn't exist.

Alexander then changes the very fabric of society in his interview, by saying that he will "work hard", as opposed to the usual "play hard". SAS responds, saying "you know the trade that the Bucks made today", and before I have time to excitedly mouth "NO!".....my online streams cuts out. Terrific. So I'm still none the wiser. Note to self - don't miss the build-up next year.

- Pick 9: After a quick scramble, the feed comes back barely in time to see Jay Bilas plugging Brook Lopez once again, just for Charlotte to disappoint him by picking D.J. Augustin. The pick is greeted by a consesus congratulations from everyone except Jay, who openly wonders why Charlotte wouldn't go big, but instead went for the 5'11 guy. Jeff Van Gundy begins his analysis with the sentence "the big thing is, what are they going to do with Gerald Wallace," thereby making it painfully obvious that he knows absolutely nothing about D.J. Augustin. By the way, I always get a jolly when I find out that I'm taller than an NBA player, and I don't know why.

The fact that Richard Jefferson was traded earlier today is idly mentioned in the build-up to the Nets picking 10th. Would someone please put me out of my bloody misery and tell me about all these trades, please? Was Jefferson traded to Jermaine O'Neal or something? What have the Bucks got to do with this? Don't ever assume the public are clever. We're not. And we have afternoon naps sometimes.

- Pick 10: Brook Lopez goes. Jay Bilas lives.

Here's what I know about big men from Stanford - Mark Madsen is one. As are the Collins twins. I shouldn't hold their towering shitness agaisnt the Lopez brothers, but I will.

Jay Bilas's main selling point on Brook Lopez is how "tough" he is. One question - if you're far bigger than all of your peers, more athletic, and also "tough", why would you only average 8 rebounds a game?

A lot is also made of the fact this twin brother Robin Lopez will be drafted at some point tonight too, making them the third set of brothers currently in the NBA (but soon to be one of four - read on, captivated viewer!). This, when combined with the well defined fact that half of the NBA is in some way the other half's cousin, makes the NBA one great big family love-in. Who said that the sport had lost its appeal to the white American audience?

Brook and Robin Lopez both strike me as complete frat boys, by the way. This is not good. At least Robin tries to be funny, even if he fails.

Someone FINALLY throws up a caption showing the Bucks trade mentioned earlier: Milwaukee acquires Richard Jefferson for the corpse of Bobby Simmons and the Chinese anticlimax, Yi Jianlian. Wow. In the unlikely event that you hadn't noticed, that trade is staggeringly bad for New Jersey. You mean to tell me a 21-foot jumpshooter and a contract so bad that it's not even expiring is the best value that you can get for a 28 year old 22ppg scorer in the prime of his career? Really? You couldn't even get a future pick out of them? Not even a second? M'kay.

Oh wait, they hired Kiki Vandeweghe, didn't they? Never mind then. Makes some sense now.

- Pick 11 sees Jerry D. Bayless go to Indiana, in a move that baffles the announcers, who proclaim that Indiana doesn't need a point guard. Either they weren't watching last year, or Jermaine O'Neal was dealt for a point guard. Rather than wait it out like the Jefferson thing, I looked it up, and saw that O'Neal had been traded to Toronto for T.J. Ford, Rasho Nesterovic, Macy O'Baston, and the number 17 pick. Good trade for Indy, that. Too much from Toronto, but it might be all right. Scott helpfully points out that Jamaal Tinsley is now "for sale", the implication being that he wasn't before.

In his interview, Bayless says he'll play wherever he is needed. So that's nice. Bayless is apparently really good at golf. So that helps. He's also apparently not very good at passing, but really, which of these two skills do you need more in your point guard? It's clearly the golf.

- Pick 12: Jason Thompson is picked by Sacramento at number 12.

Now, when I say that I don't know anything about the draftees in any given year, I've usually at least HEARD of them. With Jason Thompson, I am stumped. I've never heard of him, nor his college (Rider), nor even his conference (the MAC or something). It would be immature of me to hold my ignorance against Thompson, but what else am I to do? This is a night for predjuce and first impressions, after all.

David Stern tells us that Thompson is "not here". So it follows either this wasn't a 'promise pick' by Sacramento, or Thompson declined the offer to turn up, as he didn't want several thousand people staring at him, mouthing "who the hell is that?". That seems reasonable, I guess.

A table is quickly fashioned by ESPN, showing us that the selection of Thompson ties the record for the lowest that the first senior in any draft has ever been drafted. His company on that table is made up of Melvin Ely, Rafael Araujo and Acie Law. A list with those three in it can't ever be good.

- Pick 13: Brandon Rush is selected by the Portland Trail Blazers, ostensibly to back up the backup to his namesake, Brandon Roy. So confusing is the names thing that Stephen A. Smith immediately asks Rush what it will be like to back up Brandon Rush, which I claim as vindication. This marks the second time tonight that a pair of brothers have joined the league, as Brandon's brother Kareem Rush is an Indiana Pacer for at least 5 more days.

At this moment, my feed cuts out again, freezing irrepairably on a screen that shows "Sacramento: Pick 12 (Jason Thompson). Fan Grade: F". Tough crowd.

(You know, there's only been one Euro drafted so far. Maybe that trend of picking completely unready Euros way too high is finally gone for good.)

- Pick 14: I missed pick 14, busy trying to find a new stream, when Golden State drafted somebody named Anthony Randolph. This marks the second straight year that they have drafted a 6'10, 200lb forward. But at least he has the same surname as his mum.

Dick Vitale makes his first appearance of the evening, in one of draft night's more annoying traditions. I have no problem with Dick Vitale - his name is Dick Vitale, after all, and no amount of deliberate mispronounciation of his surname will hide this fact. But....you know? Do people really have to encourage the "baby" thing? Let the baby have his bottle, but don't make the problem worse. We may as well get Scotty Nguyen in the booth if this is how it's going to be.

- Robin Lopez goes to Phoenix at Pick 15. That leads to this happening:



And that's unfortunate.

Also, let's get this out of the way now. Robin Lopez has big hair. OK? We get this. As a result, it is now obligatory to compare him to the other players with big hair, Anderson Varejao and Joakim Noah. So let's get it all out of the way early so that we need not bother with it again.

(By the way, his mum is called Deborah Ledford. I'm not keeping an official Mum's Surname count, but if you are, chalk this one up. Also, Ledford is a baaaaaad name for a basketball player.)

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Coming up soon: Part 2. I only broke it down into two parts because, as you can see - it's way, way too long. But I'm not sorry.


Part 2