Where Are They Now, 2009; Part 56

- Robert Whaley barely played in the D-League last year, averaging 4.0 points and 2.7 rebounds per game for the L.A. D-Fenders, and he has not signed anywhere this season. He also barely played in 2006/07, spending his time between the ABA, the Dominican Republic and Iran. Nevertheless, Whaley still received a full year of NBA salary back in the 2005/06 season, in spite of his relative failings in the professional game, so who's the joke on now? (Answer: Robert Whaley. He's the one that's about to turn 27, he's the one that can't play to a D-League standard, he's the one with the lengthy criminal history, he's the one who lied to the police to his name to the Jazz about the cut in his hand, and he's not even the most famous person with that name.)

- Davin White is signed in Serbia with Swisslion Takovo Lions Vrsac. Nope, me neither. White averages 4.8 points, 3.3 fouls and 2.0 assists in the Balkan league, but no word on whether his finger nails are still really, really pink.

- Jahidi White has not played since an unsuccessful training camp bid with the Cavaliers in 2006. Since then, his only newsmaking appearance was in a non-speaking role on a sci-fi channel show called Showdown at Area 51. He played an alien.

- Rodney White started the year with Maccabi Tel Aviv, fell out of favour after one game and got waived. Not one to be kept down, R-Whites signed in China with the Zhejiang Guangsha Lions, and he leads the country in scoring. Considering how easy it is to score in China if you're American and/or able to jump off the floor, this is no mean feat. White averages 1.1 blocks, 2.4 steals, 5.1 assists, 8.3 rebounds and 36.4 points per game. (See what I did there?) In his last game, White played all 48 minutes and put up 62 points, 11 rebounds and 7 assists. If you want to know why American players like playing in the Chinese league.....well, the answer is staring you in the face.

- Chris Whitney is long since out of the game, which is a shame, because he was a straight baller.

- Jason Williams requested a reinstatement from his retirement last month, but it was vetoed by several teams (any reinstatement needs to be unanimous, and I think six teams rejected it). The fact that he's seemingly not injured at all would suggest that he only retired like he did because he regretted signing with the Clippers in the first place. It's something to consider, Baron.

- Aaron Williams's one year waiving anniversary is due soon. Nothing has really happened since then, though.

- Alvin Williams is also unsigned, and since two years have passed since he last played, it's about time he tried another comeback. Especially since he just lost his Raptors all-time assists record to Jose Calderon.

- Eric Williams, the former journeyman forward, is retired. Eric Williams, the former Wake Forest centre, averages 9.9 points and 5.1 rebounds for Air Avellino in the Euroleague. Eric Williams, the former Prime Minister of Trinidad and Tobago, is dead.

- Frank Williams, the former Knicks point guard, is in the D-League, where he averages 17.2 points and 3.5 assists per game. Those 17.3 points per game, though, come on an extremely inefficient 36% shooting, and this is because Frank Williams attempts two three pointers for every one two pointer. This man, who used to have a laughably bad jumpshot, is now pretty much a three point specialist. He's not a very special three point specialist, as evidenced by the 37% success rate from back there, but it's all he does now, and he averages nearly 8 long range attempts per game. Odd.

- Finally, Jay Williams is now a pundit for ESPN's college basketball coverage, where he gets to hear first hand quite how brilliant Hubert Davis's vowel sounds and over-enthused fake laugh are.


Also, because this entry kind of sucked a bit since everyone in it is retired, I'm calling it early: Javaris Crittenton, Brendan Haywood and Mike James to Dallas in exchange for Jerry Stackhouse and Matt Carroll. Done only on the condition that Dallas can't find a better use for Stackhouse's salary, which they may well do. Washington later pawns off Stewie Griffin to some poor sap to help dodge the tax, and Dallas gets a decent centre for a year and a further 2010 saving This prediction is largely baseless but well intentioned. If it doesn't happen, then neither did this post.

Summer signings, round 29

- The Nets figured out that they could use a point guard, given that they only have two right now, one of whom is a shooting guard. So they brought in their former player Eddie Gill, as well as GM Kiki Vanderweghe's former mistake, Julius Hodge. They also signed another old boy, Awvee Storey, as well as some fella called Brian Hamilton. Those two can now battle valiantly for two weeks for the spot of 7th small forward on the roster, before both being waived anyway. Tough life.

- Jiri Hubalek's replacement at Phoenix's training camp is a man known by the slightly superb name of Coleman Collins, who played for the Raptors in summer league. Also turning out for the Suns' camp are Robert Hite, a highly capable three point shooter, and Trey Johnson, whose name suggests that he should be.

- The Clippers added Curtis Sumpter amongst their list of camp signings, and just as I was about to write about how they still made this move after barely playing him in their summer league campaign, I then realised that it wasn't Curtis Sumpter who played for the Clippers in summer league, but Curtis Stinson! Haha! God! I bet Sumpter gets that, like, ALL the time!

- In other Clippers news, Jason Williams retired not long after signing with the team. Bugger! I was really hoping for a J-Dub Redux, so much so that I have mentioned it like 80 times. And now we won't have one. Damn shame.

- Chicago made easily the best training camp signings out of everyone, because they're the best franchise in the sport. Genius comes naturally to them, and these signings reflect that. But enough of this overused hubris - they did actually make two good signings with Elton Brown and Darius Washington, fringe NBA players who can bring something that the team otherwise lacks, were they to make the roster. Roger Powell has far less chance of doing anything, but at least they get "hometown boy makes hometown team" stories out of it.

- Orlando made three signings of their own, with forward Jeremy Richardson, center Dwayne Jones, and point guard Mike Wilks. Three of my favourite fringe NBA players, they are. But I bet only Wilks sticks. Shame.

- Francisco Garcia somehow got a 5 year, $30 million extension from the Kings, which is basically MLE money. This after one decent year. Based on last year's play, and last year's play only, is Garcia worthy of the MLE? No, not really. He learnt how to shoot, but only to the direct detriment of his defense. Yet somehow, the Kings think that this one semi-decent season from a soon to be 27 year old backup is worth giving him a 5 year novelty oversized extension. Okay. Have fun paying him $7 million when he's 32. (Note: if Garcia tunes his game to the point where he plays the average defense that he used to play, yet keeps his fancy new jumpshot as well, then this will be fine.)

- Sammy Mejia, former draft pick of the Pistons, has signed for a Greek team named AEL 1964 Larissa, whose name derives from a joyous union of some opticians, the seminal Beatles smash "I Want To Hold Your Hand", and a 6'4 black transexual hooker. Sounds like a good night in.

- Philadelphia fully committed to this training camp idea, bringing in four players, seemingly stuck on the "R" page of their available players directory. Maureece Rice is a short fat guard who can't play point guard and who just came off a pretty damn poor senior year, Antywane Robinson is a training camp veteran small forward with an affection for his unspectacular jumpshot, Jared Reiner is a legend, and Justin Reed is trying to get back into the league after being one of the better players in the D-League last year. Those last two have a chance, depending on how deep the Sixers want to go. The Sixers also signed veteran Andre Emmett, but he has far less of a chance.

- Miami signed Eddie Basden as a energetic defensive guard with no offensive talent, and Matt Walsh as a perimeter shooter. But, considering that the Heat have already signed Koobs Diawara and James Earl Jones for those two roles, both of whoom have considerably more guaranteed money coming to them, you can probably go ahead and say with some confidence that there ain't no way in hell they're making the team. The Heat also signed Omar Barlett and Tre Kelley for camp, the kind of signings that training camp is about - a 28 year old forward so obscure that I had to translate the Polish calendar to figure out when his birthdate is, and a small guard who goes by an alias unbefitting of his style of play. Good times. I love training camp, me.



This will be the last of the summer signings posts, by the way. This is partly because news has pretty much dried up, and that most news now is just training camp signings, which will be fully documented in another post. But mainly, it's because it's not summer any more.

We'll go out with a bang. Two bangs, in fact. You're getting banged from all angles. Giggidy.

- Former Atlanta Hawks forward Hanno Mottola retired from the game last week, while in theory still at his "peak". That's bang number one.

- Bang number two; the mighty Shawn Kemp comeback, mentioned before here, is over after precisely 0 games. Kemp showed up in reasonable shape, but then stopped showing up at all. After flying home briefly to the USA - ostensibly to check that his property was fine after recent hurricanes - Kemp never came back, and the team ended the experiment, on seemingly courteous terms. To replace Kemp, the team have signed former NBA brick shithouse Brandon Hunter.

That is all. Summer officially just ended. So sayeth the Lord.

Summer signings, round 15

- Chris McCray signed with Rimini in Italy, a town whose very name made it destined for basketball greatness (and thus, by proxy, destined for Chris McCray). While we're on the subject of people named McCray, I'd like to extend an RIP to Colin McRae. And Steve Fossett. And Glenn Miller. And Matthew Harding. And Bernie Mac. And Mother Teresa. And basically anybody who has ever died. Except for maybe Fred West. And Hitler. And Judas. And Saddam Hussein. And Mutsuo Toi. I'll stop this now before you find a less preachy blog to read instead.

- Andre Emmett and JamesOn Curry are both reportedly negotiating with Hapoel Jerusalem. I know that this blog is about "signings" and not negotations, since a whole lot more negotiating goes on than signing. But, sod it. I'm a maverick. I don't play by the rules. Not even the arbitrary ones that I created in the first place. (Kevinn Pinkney was also supposed to be talking to Hapoel, despite a previous blog post relaying the news that he'd signed for an Italian team. However, now another report has come out saying that he's signed with a third team, also in Italy, called Cantu. The lesson, as ever: screw Danny Ainge.)

- Eugene Jeter signed with Vive Menorca of Spain (specifically, the island of Menorca), much to the chagrin of at least one Minnesota Timberwolves fan who thought that Jeter could be the answer to their team's "oh Jesus, someone has to pass the ball?" problem. Since the drafting of Derrick Rose, Eugene Jeter is no longer the best professional point guard in the world with the nickname "Pooh", so the question has to be asked as to why we should still care about him. (Poor old Pooh Richardson is now down to third place, despite his basketball career being far more successful than that of Pooh Jeter's to date. These rankings might not be official, or accurate. Also, if anyone wants to conduct a study as to why only point guards are nicknamed "Pooh", I'll help finance your work, to the tune of a couple of quid.)

- The L.A. Clippers signed Jason Williams, thus pretty much concluding their business for the offseason. At times in these posts, I have slated the Clippers for what I deem to be some cap mismanagement. (I stand by it, although it has been pointed out to me that the Eric Gordon signing was probably necessitated by the common practice that dictates that rookies won't play in summer camps without a contract. I sort of knew that already, but I'm willing to concede the point anyway, because I'm entirely brilliant and just a little bit self-congratulatory.) However, they deserve due credit: this summer, they have signed Baron Davis, Ricky Davis, Brian Skinner and Jason Williams as free agents, while also taking on the market value contract of Marcus Camby while giving up nothing. That right there is a succession of moves that sees decent-to-fine players obtained for good value - Baron Davis signed for far less than the maximum, Ricky Davis signed cheaply for one year, Skinner took the minimum, Williams may as well have done, and Camby is tied in for two years at an extremely good price for an elite centre. For this, the Clippers deserve their due. I still worry about their long term future, or lack thereof (although they do have something of a 2010 plan on the go), and they aren't going to win much other than a playoff spot in the immediate future. But that's not necessarily a bad thing, and signing good players for good prices never is. So, kudos.

- The Josh Smith played itself out thusly: Atlanta refused to budge from their lowball of a 5 year, $45 million offer; Smith looked elsewhere; Smith signed a 5 year and $58 million offer sheet from Memphis; Atlanta quickly matched. So that's pretty sensible all around. The news that Memphis isn't entirely against the idea of spending their cap room comes as a welcome relief, though, and it gives me an idea, one which will future in the next blog post. (Hint: It's based around an anagram of Neb Gondor. And the fact that I just made that a link may give the game away slightly.)

- Josip Sesar has signed with Zrinjski Mostar in Bosnia, and not the Boston Celtics. Damn shame.

- Sun Yue, second round pick of the Lakers last year, has agreed to sign with the team. Apparently, the important Lakers people reckon that Yue may get some point guard time, and Lamar Odom will also spent some time playing at the guard spots. Verdict: I think they're lying.

- Miami signed Yakhouba Diawara because they didn't think that they had enough players under contract yet.

- The Hawks signed Thomas Gardner and Othello Hunter. The Gardner signing, while largely inconsequential, gives the Hawks six guards not named Salim Stoudamire. That, plus this rather ominous blog report thing, gives me the vague idea that maybe Salim Stoudamire isn't going to back to the Atlanta Hawks next year. So, if there's anyone out there with sway in this 'ere NBA world - do me a favour. Either sign Salim Stoudamire, or help us find somebody who will. He's like Jannero Pargo, and everyone likes Jannero Pargo (or, rather, everyone hates playing against him.) He'll probably come cheaper, too. I demand that someone sign him. I have no leverage with which to make such demands, but that didn't do Luol Deng any harm. (Devin Brown also needs a home, but I think I'm over this now.)

- The New Orleans Hornets re-signed Ryan Bowen. Yeehaw. The Hornets' bench now reads thusly: Mike James, Rasual Butler, James Posey, Bowen, Hilton Armstrong, Julian Wright, and Melvin Ely. Who out of that lot do they expect to be a sixth man, exactly? They appear to have moved on from Pargo and Bonzi Wells, two players always willing to fashion a shot, even if they're not always a good idea. So who's going to provide the bench offense here? I'm aware that Chris Paul is basically Jesus, who could get even me an easy basket, but the real Jesus had a few days off, too. (He got his carpentry NVQ at a young age. Good plan. It's always a good idea to have a fallback option.) So the Hornets could really use someone that can find, take and make a shot off the bench. Mike James isn't getting it done, and Ryan Bowen really isn't getting it done.

Hey, I know! Maybe the Hornets could use Salim Stoudamire!

Things We Should Totally Petition For, number 1

The Sacramento Kings are cultivating an annual tradition of frittering away their MLE. Since John Salmons, it's all gone Pete Tong. After last year using it to sign Mikki Moore for what will probably only be for two years - a move which will keep them entirely uncompetitive for that time - they've one-upped themsleves by throwing a full 5 year deal to last year's point guard starter, Beno Udrih. Last year was Beno's fourth in the NBA, and unlike the first three that he spent with the San Antonio Spurs, he didn't suck in it. So that helps to justify matters, ever so slightly.

(Readers note: If you can't see why it isn't necessarily a good idea to be committing 5 years of big salary to a guy who has only played one good year in his career, a good year that coincidentally happened to be the year that the money was about to dry up, then you weren't watching the Darius Miles experience particularly intently. But then again, maybe Beno really did genuinely break out, as he sure as hell looked a lot better last year. Then again, now that he's earning $33 million, he'll have to.)

Hopefully, though, this isn't the end of the Kings point guard search. After drafting Sean Singletary in the second round, the Kings now have two actual point guards, even if they aren't very good. They can also pretend, sort of, that wing players Salmons, Francisco Garcia and Q-Doub are able to play point guard in an emergency.

But I think we would all rather see them bring back Jason Williams. Wouldn't you?

The Adelman era Kings of the early part of this decade are gone. Those awesome teams, full of depth, running, passing and choking, are no more. Vlade Divac is long gone. Doug Christie is short gone. So is Chris Webber. Mike Bibby now plays for Atlanta, and doesn't do so very well. Bobby Jackson keeps the Rockets bench warm, Keon Clark has a new favourite kind of court, and Peja Stojakovic is on the Hornets, being paid way, way, way too much. The only players to still be any good are Brad Miller - who is also the only remaining Kings player - and Hedo Turkoglu, who just surprised the hell out of us all by winning the MIP award.

Signing White Chocolate isn't going to bring back the glory days, partly because everyone else has left, and partly because Jason Williams isn't very good any more. And yet...you know what? Maybe there's a second wind in there somewhere. Hobbled as he appeared to be in Miami, Williams also looked somewhat bored and misused, being primarily used as a defender and spot-up shooter, two things he was never much good at. The knees also don't look good, and Williams is also about to turn 33. But even if they lose the ability to do much with it, it's very far-fetched for a player to just entirely lose their understanding of passing angles, and despite Williams' steady career-long metamorphosis into a controlled, sensible point guard, he could still push the ball if he had people to run with him. (Note: that last point is entirely speculative.)

The Kings can offer this. Kevin Martin can run. Salmons can run. Mikki Moore can really run. Udrih doesn't milk shot clocks too much. Garcia did a surprisingly successful Stojakovic impression last year. Patrick Ewing Jr thrives when running, so I'm told. Same with Jason Thompson, apparently. Brad Miller doesn't move too good, but his quality passing skills can help out. Shareef Abdur-Rahim and Kenny Thomas will be about as much use as a chocolate teapot, but then, aren't they anyway?

Let's make it happen. They have a Bi Annual Exception - use it on Jason Williams. The Kings are pencilled in for another season of mediocrity, looking likely to win about 35 games once again. They probably won't make the playoffs, and if they do, they won't get anywhere. They're also too good to accidentally lose, and it would take a decimation of their rotation to make them try and do it on purpose.

So why not have a little fun with it?

Game of the week 3: Sonics vs Heat

Week two's game recap came only yesterday, so this post isn't exactly coinciding with my self imposed time restrictions. But then again, this is from the man who undertook the 30 teams in 36 days challenge and who then did 17 in about 60. My work ethic is......tetchy.

Why have I chosen to watch this game out of all the ones on a loaded schedule tonight, given that the two teams are 1-6 and 0-8 respectively? Four reasons.

1) I haven't watched Kevin Durant yet.
2) I hate Miami because their fans forced me into it, and I want to watch them lose.
3) It started early, so I could theoretically watch a second game afterwards too.
4) I was going to watch Jazz vs Raptors instead but missed the first 6 minutes because I was yacking.

However, within seconds of turning on the transmission, I have realised what a mistake I have made. Tonight marks the first game of the season for Dwyane Wade after recovering from surgery. I would have known this in advance had I looked it up, but I never look at game previews, injury reports, or anything like that. It's not interesting to me and so I don't bother. However, tonight, I definitely should have done. I dislike Wade because like me, he is a desperate attention seeking arse, and because the world of the NBA conspires to make everything revolve around him when he is around, which makes me sick. The same applied to that All Star Game of 2003, Michael Jordan's last, in which everything was tailored to His Smugness's every whim and desire. The half time ceremony was all about him, as were all the pregame and post game ceremonies. There were documentaries made solely about him, everyone cared way too much about his every shot, and there was the whole "guilt trip Vince Carter into unfairly relinquishing his starting spot" thing, for which Vince should have been far more livid than he showed. Never mind the fact that Jordan didn't deserve to be there and played like cock in the game itself, let's have one big massive fellatio special on the guy! IT'S MICHAEL JORDAN! RETIRING! AGAIN! Let's say goodbye again, for he'll never show his face in the NBA world again!

Tosser.

(Yeah I'm a Chicago fan, and I don't like Jordan. Read nothing into that if I were you.)

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes. Wade. Dislike. Et cetera. Let's get on with the game before I kick off again.



- Penny Hardaway and Kurt Thomas are both starting in this game, which is fun. I can't add to that at this moment.

- After Shaquille O'Neal commits a violation on the opening tip, Seattle wins possession, and looks extremely awkward on their first halfcourt set, with lots of standing around and not much happening. Kurt Thomas winds up taking their first two shots of the game, both misses. Colour commentator Tony Fiorentino remarks upon how Thomas is "in the game for his defense". No shit Sherlock.

- Earl Watson, in a stat you wouldn't have guessed unless you looked it up/got told it by a person you know rather well, is averaging 7 assists per game in this young season for the high scoring Sonics as the usual starting point guard. It doesn't take long to see why - the Sonics are pushing the ball at every possible opprtunity, to great effect. Given how awkward their half court looked, it's worth it. Pushing the ball early and often gets Seattle out to an 8-0 lead with only 2 minutes and 13 seconds gone, as Durant and Chris Wilcox both gets dunks from Watson feeds. Miami calls timeout to lament their woes.

- Commentator Eric Reed tells us all that Miam has been having trouble "shooting the ball" on this young season, scoring less than 80 points in both of their last two games. Heathens! How can a team that plays Smush Parker, Dwyane Wade and Penny Hardaway in a four guard rotation possibly have outside shooting problems! By the way, I predicted this would happen in my Heat post last month. Then again, I think everyone predicted it. But I'll claim it anyway.

- Shaquille O'Neal has picked up two fouls during that 8-0 run, and has to sit. The commentators lament it as something unexpected, or in some way gamechanging. Colour me unsurprised that a high tempo young and athletic team found a way to expose Shaq's weaknesses. Still, only $60 million left.

- Alonzo Mourning comes into the game, and instantly looks useful, but unusually on the offensive end. He drops a hook shot for the Heat's first points of the game, and makes a nice pass to Udonis Haslem for their second. In between those two scores, Seattle's starting shooting guard Damien Wilkins takes a three pointer incredibly early in the shot clock, and makes it. More on him to come.

- Looking at this energetic Sonic team, where everyone crashes the glass and pushes the ball looking for opportunity baskets, don't you wish that the Jason Williams of old was on that team? That would be awesome. It's a shame that we have to see Jason Williams as what he is now - a tame, uninspiring offensive player with mediocre defense, who is used primarily as a spot up shooter and whose knees don't work like they used to. Maybe, if he was taken from having to play so much half court offense and allowed to roam a bit freer, he could have a career second wind. I hope so. He wasn't always effective back in the day, but he sure was fun. And his assist to turnover ratios were epic in Memphis, so it's not like he was completely unconscious. Not always, anyway.

- Wilkins takes another way too quick contested three, and again makes it. Seattle leads 14-4 with 8.08 left in the first quarter. Damien Wilkins made the Sonics roster by being an athletic, hustling defensive player, who drove to the rim and crashed the glass. It's playing like that which got Minnesota to give him a lengthy 5 year contract (as Kevin McHale is wont to do), that Seattle later matched. Since then, however, Wilkins is convinced himself that he's Jesus, or at the very least Ray Allen. And it's not a bad comparison - if Ray Allen had no basketball IQ and a bad jumpshot, he would indeed be a bit like Damien Wilkins.

- The Heat's sideline reporter is a man called Jason Jackson. This is annoying. It's not a slant on Jason Jackson himself, as he does a professional and eloquent job down there. But the problem is this: the role of the sideline reporter is one of the few instances of unabashed male chauvinism allowed in the world today. The commentators are always men in suits, and the sideline reporters are always beautiful women (or, if beautiful women aren't obtainable, then "glamorous" women are used instead, with 'glamorous' meaning ugly women who doll themselves up to try and get beautiful). That's just how it works. That's the way it always should work. And I'm all for that. It's this ideal that makes us suffer through Tim McCarver to get to Erin Andrews, and yet be totally comfortable with that. It's a winning formula that should never be changed. Sun Sports are letting the side down here with this blatant capitulation to feminism. What's next, women in the commentary booth? I won't hear of it. I won't, I tell you. They'll be PLAYING basketball next!

- Alonzo Mourning makes another hook shot. It's like it's 1999 all over again, except nowadays the prospect of having Shaq, Penny and Zo on the same team is considerably less tantalising.

- Still early in the first quarter, and Chris Wilcox just grabbed his one millionth rebound. Seattle is putting forward a far superior effort on the glass, and their athleticism from everybody other than Kurt Thomas is also paying dividends. Thomas himself already has 6 in 5 minutes.

- Damien Wilkins runs a give-and-go with Wilcox resulting in an and-1 layup for Wilkins. Wow on two counts. First wow - how did Miami let them have it that easily? Second wow - when did Damien Wilkins get into the fundamentals business?

- I've decided to style myself after P.J. Carlesimo. I'm halfway there. I just need some Just For Men grey, a couple of shitty jumpers, and some glasses. And to really thicken out the beard a bit.

- A Miami possession sees Jason Williams narrowly get the better of himself, turn down the world's silliest shot (but only after leaving his feet in readiness for taking it), swing the ball around, and Alonzo Mourning get an and-1 off a putback. For a minute there, I thought we were going to see The Artist Formerly Known As White Chocolate have a bit of a redux. Shame. I liked him more back then.

- Tony Fiorentino points out that Penny Hardaway is among the league laders in assist/turnover ratio up until this point. Good. That justifies having the worst starter in the NBA, then. Never mind his status as an offensive liability.

- At this moment, Dwyane Wade heads to the scorers table to check in, in one of those largely ridiculous "bring the superstar off the bench when returning from an injury layoff to allow the crowd 30 seconds of disillusionment from the rest of the game" scenarios that old timers still seem to employ. Sure enough, while stuff continues to happen, you'd be easily fooled into thinking that it didn't. The camera cuts away to a picture of Wade sitting by the scorers while the game continues to be played, missing both a Heat missed shot and a Kurt Thomas make. The crowd seemingly missed this too, for they cheered throughout. At the next stoppage in play moments after Thomas's make, Wade enters, and everybody woops like twats for about a minute. Eric Reed treats the occasion like it's important, saying "And here comes Dwyane Wade!", then shutting up for 30 seconds as the crowd responds far less enthusiastically than he expected (either that or someone wisely turned the mics down). It's a really annoying scene that could have (and should have) been avoided, but wasn't, because of the NBA's overbearing tendency to focus on the superstar over the sport.

If you don't think such a tendency exists in American sport, watch only the start of a Sunday Night Baseball game. Make it Yankees at home vs whoever. At the middle of the third, the commentator will say something along the lines of "no score, bottom of the first coming up, A-Rod coming in to hit", or some clichéd old bollocks like that. Then go and watch a Tampa Bay game or something, and watch as they instead say "the Rays coming in to hit". It's not because Tampa doesn't have hitting stars, but because the local broadcasts choose not to focus on them as individuals. And that's how it SHOULD be.

But it isn't. And that is profoundly stupid. NBA advert breaks sicken me for the same reason, even that one which publicises the slogan "We Not Me". There's a reason they have superstars in that advert, not the Ryan Bowen types of this world. Tossers. Anyway, back to the game.


- The above situation is only salvaged when Reed, returning from his self imposed silence, utters the unintentionally funny line "Jeff Green also checks in". Heh. Good times. Case in point.

- Speaking of the commentary team tonight, play by play commentator Reed repeatedly calls his co-commentator Fiorentino by the affectionate pet name "Coach". In almost all instances, whenever a lead announcer has a former coach alongside them, they sue that term. And it's ridiculous. That person is NOT a coach. They just used to be. They still would be if they were good enough at it. And a lot of them (Fiorentino included) have no more coaching insight than we do. Do they use this pet name to make them feel special? It certainly doesn't help us viewers in any way. It's particularly stupid in the case of Tony Fiorentino, whose coaching experiences came at the high school and WNBA levels. Jesus. If ever a man didn't deserve a moniker, it is Tony right there. Second only to "Starbury".

- Wow, Ricky Davis shaved his beard back. I never thought I'd say this, but he actually looks far worse without it.

- Wally Szczerbiak and Nick Collison also entered the game alongside Wade and Blount, which Reed completely forgot to mention because he was so preoccupied with being a div. I'm a fan of both of these players (of course I am, they're white), so their addition is a good thing. I worry, though, that Wally Szczerbiak is going to have to defend Dwyane Wade. That would be bad. Then again, how is Wade going to defend Wally? It's a chicken and egg situation. Sorta.

- On a Seattle possession, Reed randomly shouts "D-Wade's in the game, gang!". Bad times on so many levels. Jason Williams hits a quick three pointer to rouse my spirits.

- Good God I'm hungry. I think I need to be more professional in my approach to these things when doing them live, and bring food with me.

- Actually, scrap the plans for modelling myself after P.J. Carlesimo, for I've just noticed the size of his bald spot. That's not good.

- Wade shoots a fallaway 20 footer, and as it's in the air, Reed excitedly shouts "Wade's 1st shot!!!!", only to return to a normal octave at the shot clanks away. It's another truly pointless gesture - it's only one shot. He was obviously going to shoot again. Why's that one particular shot any more important? Especially since he missed?

- Seattle is grabbing every single rebound in this game, or so it appears. They're so dominant on the boards that they even grab some of them twice. Cool looking jerseys, by the way. They always have had cool ones.

- OK, Eric Reed's voice is annoying me now. He, Iain Eagle and Michael Reghi should make torture tapes. Maybe get Tom Dore to DJ.

- The score is 30-25 after one quarter in Seattle's favour, and I know what you're all thinking - yes, we're 2500 words through and still only at the end of the first quarter. Don't worry, it gets less wordy. As the Sun Sports broadcast cuts to commericals, Reed signs off the quarter by mentioning Dwyane Wade's return for the eightieth time, and his stat line of 5 minutes played and 2 free throws made, but at no point does he mention the actual game score. Still, his priorities all seem to be in order.

- I missed the first 37 seconds of the second quarter, as I was demolishing a bowl of breakfast cereal. My professionalism knows no bounds. Incidentally, endeavour to use the word "demolishing" as much as possible in your evey day vocabulary, especially when it is completely inappropriate.

- Mark Blount, standing under the rim for a change, is the recipient of a crisp pass directly into his hands for an easy 2 points. Unfortunately, Blount drops it out of bounds, which is something of a staple of his game. Maybe this is the reason why he is slowly (and strangely) turning into a three point specialist.

- Seattle are taking a shit load of shots in this game. They're not a great outside shooting team, yet they're taking a fair number of outside shots. They also aren't getting to the free throw line, and are demolishing the Heat on the offensive glass. Miami also keep throwing turnovers their way. It all looks a bit easy,

- Wade makes his first basket of the game. In case you didn't know this, Reed shouts "HIS FIRST BASKET!" just so that you're sure. I wonder if a similar thing happened when Hardaway made his first basket of the season. His layoff was for far longer, and his downfall that much more spectacular. But somehow I doubt it.

- Penny Hardaway is guarding Wally Szczerbiak on the perimeter. Szczerbiak drives past him for a layup. That's all you need to know about the Heat having Penny start at the shooting guard position - he's the only guy, alive or dead, that Wally Szczerbiak can drive past.

- Jason Williams throws Wade an alley-oop pass, which Wade drops. It falls to Mark Blount, again located underneath the rim (twice in one game? It's a statistical anomaly). Blount this time catches it, and finishes. Fiorentino remarks "did D-Wade tap it to Blount on purpose?". No Tony, he did not, but well done on finding a way to make it look like Wade did something good. That hadn't been done for at least 8 seconds.

- Hardaway is now guarding Kevin Durant out by the three point line. Durant backs down from the challenge, settling for a contested 22 footer, which he misses. Hmmmm. Maybe Szczerbiak is just THAT quick, and THAT deceptive, that it is he who made Penny look bad and not natural evolution.

- On a fast break, Delonte West makes his first but not only impact on the game by faking out the entire team under the basket before dishing to Durant for the most uncontested of uncontested dunks. Durant is now 2-8, with the two makes being dunks on breaks. Not wowing me too much so far. Immediately after this, Delonte makes a remorseless three pointer, and shows himself to be all balls. It's hard to say that the 7-0 Boston Celtics need anything at this point, but if they do, then that thing is most definitely Delonte West.

- The West three results in an officials timeout for some reason, with Seattle leading 39-32. During this timeout, all the Heat commentary team can talk about is Dwyane Wade and what he has done tonight, rather than the score itself or the game as a whole. This must be what 1 and 6 teams do. They also show a graphic advertising Heat tickets for sale in a variety of stupid ways - you can buy the "Dwyane Wade All-Star Plan", the "Shaq Weekend Pack", the "Zo Holiday Plan", or the "Riley Season Tickets". Not sure what the point of the player name attatchments were, but since you're offering, how much for a Penny Hardaway Our-Time-Has-Long-Since-Passed Ticket Bonanza?

- "If you're just joining us, D-Wade is back". Yeah, you'd said. Thanks Eric.

- O'Neal re-enters the game and immediately turns the ball over. The demise of Shaquille is something I may choose to rant about one day, but here's a thought - why do (or did) people talk about what Wade is like without Shaq? Have we not all seen how mediocre Shaq is without Wade's lobs? Who's carrying who?

- Seattle continues to outwork Miami, and Collison gets a dunk off of yet another Sonics offensive rebound. They lead 43-32 at this point, when Riley decides to take Wade out of the game. Great idea. You don't need him, anyway. You're doing sooooo well without him.

- Damien Wilkins takes another bad shot, and this time doesn't make it. But Wilcox gets another offensive rebound and puts it back. He now has 10 points, Seattle has a 13 point lead, and suddenly I've lapsed into overly detailed play by play. Sorry about that.

- A montage shows David Stern announcing Seattle's draft selections of Shawn Kemp, Gary Payton and Kevin Durant. Not sure what analogy Sun Sports was trying to draw there.

- On a high pick and roll between Delonte West and Nick Collison, Shaq comes out to defend, and hits West hard on a reach-in. It almost looked deliberate. It really did. He sits once again, now with 3 fouls, still 0 points, and sitll a complete and utter liability on the pick and roll.

- Tony Fiorentino declares Mourning the best backup center in the league. Well, he isn't, and let's leave it at that.

- Penny Hardaway makes a runner in the lane. Wahey! That was fun. (Penny doesn't score again, by the way.)

- Wilcox goes up strong on Zo and dunks on him. Well, more accurately, he dunks around him. But Zo challenged the shot and lost, which is hard to do, so well done Chris.

- Delonte West is awesome. That is all.

- Seattle now leads by 16, causing Eric Reed to say "the only bright spot here is that it is only the second quarter". The assumed interpretation is that he's saying Miami has time to come back, but he could also be saying that because it's only the second they're down 16, and that if it was the fourth they might be down 30 already. Who knows?

- Nick Collison hits a hook shot, Seattle goes up by 18, and that Wade substitution looks that much weirder. They must just be doing one of those extremely inflexible minute limiting things. As if 5 minutes here or there changes the long term future of his injury in any way. It's like rigidly capping a pitcher at 100 pitches when they're pitching their bollocks off. Needless.

- Pat Riley calls timeout, and draws up a play. But there isn't a play to overcome the serious lack of talent that the Heat have out on the floor. They've become the one man team that they never should have been.

- A strange couple of possessions follow. Out of the timeout, the Heat run a play giving Udonis Haslem a baseline jumpshot, which he misses. Seattle grabs the rebound (obviously), Delonte West collapses the defense and kicks it out to Damien Wilkins, who hits his third three of the game. Going back the other way, Haslem makes a hook shot, and P.J. Carlesimo calls a strangely quick timeout with his team on a big run. Maybe he just got bored watching and wanted to get some air time.

- As a child, me and my school friends quickly learned of the wonders of the suffix "-aroony". When attatched to words, it made them that much more enjoyable, and when combined with good comic timing it would provide a hearty laugh every now and then. It could also be a good way to deliver bad news: for example, "Mr Johnson, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your wife's dead-aroony". That sort of thing. It delivers the message you need it to convey, yet also softens the impact, and hints at future prosperity to come. It's a true wonder of our language.

So imagine how happy I was to see an advert for a car retailer called "Maroone" (pronounced Maroony). I was very happy indeed. If you owned a car from Maroone, you could then double up and go for the rare "Double Roon", only previously seen on England football star Wayne Rooney-aroony.

These are the things that I think about.


- Miami has 4 points in the 6 minutes played of the second quarter. After the timeout, Alonzo Mourning gets called for three seconds, which isn't helping. Nick Collison calls his bid of a three seconds with a travel, and the camera pans to Collison, who seems to have strangely clean shoulders. I say "strangely", because history tells us that Nick Collison has incredibly freckly shoulders. So for them to be so sparkling clean and white is an unexpected sight.

- Jason Williams takes a confident three pointer, and makes it. Quick. Feed the hot hand. Give him the ball.

- They do. He shoots another. He misses.

- Reed barrages us with stats - Seattle has 11 offensive rebounds already, and Kevin Durant is shooting 2 for 11 thus far, with the 2 both being dunks. On cue, Durant hits a three pointer to up his shooting to a gastranomic 3-12. And yes I realise what I just said.

- Chris Quinn is shown on the bench after he was deactivated for Wade before the game. Chris Quinn looks about 14. That's all I have to say about Chris Quinn.

- I miss Robert Swift. I wish he was playing today, but sadly it's not to be. When the moment comes that Seattle has to deal one of their young bigs, I want it to be Swift, and I want Chicago to get him. Every team could use Robert Swift. I'm not overstating this at all.

- Kurt Thomas now has 9 rebounds in the first half, and after grabbing one of them, Alonzo Mourning pushes him out of bounds, gets called for the foul, and gets T'd up for punching the air near the ref and shouting something. It is a moment made stupid by just how much effort the referee puts into the hand gesture when calling the technical, as if anybody in the world cared about how much his top wrist bet on the pull back. I hate poser referees. This therefore means that I hate all referees. But not WWE ones, for they are the pinnacle of unintentional comedy.

- Seattle grabs yet another offensive rebound with 4 seconds left in the half, putting Chris Wilcox at the line for two shots, which he makes. This gives Seattle a 61-41 half time lead, closing out with a 25-9 run, and they may have had the most field goal attempts in a 60 point half of any team in the last 50 years. The score is as one sided as the game felt to watch.

- As you would expect, the half time shows are full of stuff about Wade being Jesus (although he himself claims at one stage "I'm not the Messiah". How modest!). Jason Jackson is in the studio now alongside Ira Winderman, which makes me that much more angry about thee not being a hot female sideline reporter for this broadcast. Winderman and Jackson do a rather good feature called The Hot Button, in which they talk about topical NBA issues for about 48 seconds. In it, Winderman talks about how the Lakers, if they don't trade Kobe Bryant, are committed to mediocrity for the foreseeable future, since he is all that they have. Would he use the same logic on his own Miami Heat, I wonder? He also says "don't blame Isiah" for the latest Marbury related Knicks turmoil, overlooking that it is Isiah who brought Marbury in and suckled him like a small otter up until now. So that was interesting.

- What wasn't interesting, though, was the interview montage with Heat players other than Wade about the impact that his return is going to have on the team. You don't need me to give you quotes because it's not too hard to imagine quite what clichéd bollocks they came out with. This is the NBA, after all. But we did get to hear Penny Hardaway call the Miami team "scary", which seemed overzealous. And we also got a close up of just how long Chris Quinn's eyebrows are. They're very long, for those wanting to know.

- Upon returning from the studio, someone has prepared a treat for us - a Wade highlight montage of every single play on which he has been involved so far. In case this wasn't enough of a Wade filler, they've also drawn up a shot chart of every shot he has taken so far, which is rather anti-climactic given that he has only taken 3. They also show some clips of him removing his warm-ups, which was entirely necessary and don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Only after a full minute of this does Eric Reed say "however......" and then announce the score. Play then commences, as a mild intrusion on The Wade Manlove Hour.

- Oooh, Shaq scored!

- After being stripped and losing the ball out of bounds but maintaining possession, Kevin Durant shouts "FUCK!". The baseline ref gives him a telling off before play recommences. That was fun. Should happen more often.

- Chris Wilcox has put up a fine statline tonight, and all he has to do is get out and run, work harder than Shaq on the boards, and make the open baseline looks that the Seattle guards are getting him. He's done this well, of course, but Miami is making it so easy for him.

- Ricky Davis is at the free throw line, and Reed tells us that he has shot 8 free throw totals in the first 7 games. Mark Blount has topped that, by shooting 0. Worth a mention.

- Hardaway shoots and misses a pull up, and O'Neal airs (airs!) for the offensive rebound, earning two free throws. He did actually air, too. Wow. That was surprising.

- Durant makes a three out of the corner, and is now up to 4-13 shooting. Shaq then throws it away, but Ricky Davis steals it right back, and Hardaway finds O'Neal for a dunk. Fiorentino chooses to mention that Hardaway now has 3 asissts to 0 turnovers, and seems very happy about that. As well he should. Don't you know that Penny is amongst the league leaders in this category?

- Davis misses a pull up with no one in offensive rebounding position, showing why he has that embarassing free throw stat that he does (he shoots more FT's tonight than in the entire season to date, 9 to 8). Durant misses a three on the other end, and Hardaway grabs the rebound. Tony Fiorentino excitedly points out that this is Hardaway's first rebound. He's now rocking the 2-1-3 statline that dreams and rap trios are made of, and truly justifying his starting presence.

- Damien Wilkins continues his "no no no yes" game by making a double clutch banker from about 20 feet (With the shot clock winding down, admittedly). The play results in Pat Riley getting a technical, which is understandable. I'd be annoyed to the point of swearing too. Wilkins then misses the technical free throw to take the piss. Maybe.

- Williams makes a three pointer, which is basically the only shot he takes these days (well, ever). He then steals the ball and then makes a very un-JWill like play as he throws a bad alleyoop pass behind Ricky Davis. He then makes another very un-JWill like play when he grabs the offensive rebound, but Davis misses again. Strange sequence. Worrying sequence.

- For years, teams have been wondering how you defend Shaquille O'Neal. The answer these days is pretty obvious - make him defend you. He can't.

- Smush Parker, blissfully, hasn't taken a shot. Until now. It's a mid range baseline jumpshot. It is an airball. It's good to see that a team featuring Parker and Hardaway as projected backup guards isn't having outside shooting problems or general mediocrity or anything.

- Kevin Durant shoots a three from straight away and makes it. Reed, annoyingly and bizarrely, says "that's soap on a rope, coach". I do not know why. I can only think that maybe he had the baseball phrase of "frozen rope" in his mind, for it was a pretty flat shot, and confused himself slightly. But in doing so, he confused us all.

- Johan Petro enters the game for the first time and has 2 turnovers in 45 seconds, on a 24 second violation that wasn't his fault and a travel that was. Like I said, give me Robert Swift. But screw it, I'd take Petro too. And Collison. And Wilcox. And Durant, obviously. But not Sene. You can keep Sene.

- Damien Wilkins hits an extremely tough hanging free throw line jumpshot. He and Durant appear to have swapped skillsets for the evening. Seattle leads 77-58 with three minutes left in the third quarter, as the home crowd starting booing (not boozing).

- Wade hits a circus highlight reel and-1 on a ridiculously generous continuation call. The crowd stops booing (not boozing) and erupt into passionate cheers. Good to see that their priorities are in order, too. On a replay of the shot, Tony Fiorentino observes that Wade "shot it from behind the backboard, and kissed it off the glass". I wonder if he realised what he just said. I doubt it.

- As Seattle struggles to bring the ball up against a press, Wally Szczerbiak of all people breaks it, and hands to Delonte West, who goes to the rim and is fouled by Wade. West's off arm inadvertently hit Wade softly in the nose. Wade runs the full length of the court, pretending to check nis hose for blood. The camera, crowd and commentators follow him everywhere. This is the kind of sequence that makes me dislike Dwyane Wade. You hit West in the face too, Dwyane. But he's not being a great big giant attention seeker about it. Delonte West doesn't need to seek attention. He garners it naturally because he's great. That's the approach you should take.

- With Smush Parker in the game, Dwyane Wade is running the point. So the backup point guard seems to be a designated shooter. A curious decision given that the shooter concerned is Smush Parker. He sure as shit ain't in for his defense. Remind me again what Smush is good at, please.

- Miami is making a run into Seattle's lead after picking up their defensive intensity about tenfold. They cut it to a 78-65 game on two free throws by Mourning, the closest it has been since midway through the second quarter. However, Zo then turns it over, and Kevin Durant answers the run with an insanely difficult left handed finish on the fast break, getting twatted in the process but not getting the call. Without wanting to be unoriginal, I'm saying that Wade would have gotten that call. Outlandish to say, I know.

- Damien Wilkins brings the ball up against a press, dribbles to the timeline, gets stuck in a double team, and throws it away, but he is bailed out by a foul call. It's good to see that in spite of his Ray Allen impression tonight, the thick as pig shit Wilkins that we know and loathe is still in there somewhere.

- A Haslem free throw cuts it to a 12 point game, and for as much as I've ripped him, Dwyane Wade's presence has transformed the Heat tonight. They don't have an identity without him, just flitting around awkwardly hoping their veternness and poor half court offense will get them through. But with him, they press on defense and run a lot more, resulting in a much improved team. He's been something of a run starter tonight.

- Right on cue, Wade kills the momentum. After Haslem forces a jump ball and wins it, the Heat have the final possession of the third quarter. Wade holds the ball for most of the 24 second clock, and then shoots a 3 pointer with seconds left. He misses it, and instead of cutting it to 10 to end the quarter and carrying through the momentum, the place is deflated somewhat, and Seattle gets a reprieve. Not smart, really. He looked like LeBron when doing that.

- Smush Parker opens Miami's offense in the fourth quarter with another jumpshot, this time a three. Again, he shoots an airball. And again, I ask you to remind me quite what it is that Smush Parker is supposed to be able to do. On a team that could use a good defensive player and shot maker alongside Wade, they go out and sign Smush Parker? Crazy days.

- Seattle capitalises by scoring 6 points in the first 60 seconds of the fourth quarter, blowing it open to an 18 point game again. They're also finally playing a zone defense after strangely shying away from it up until now, given how badly Miami has shot from the outside both tonight and all season long. Miami is 3-13 on three pointers, with all three makes coming from Jason Williams. The New Look Mark Blount at this point is arguably their second best three point shooter behind Davis. The Het as a team are 23% on the year from three point range coming in, and the 3-13 performance hasn't helped that.

- Straight away after going zone, Williams gets an open look at a three that he misses. And you can be pretty confident that Miami is rueing having an extra shooter to turn to at this point, especially after having deactivated Quinn.

- There is one shooter that they haven't gone to yet, however. And now they choose to do so, as Daequan Cook mercifully comes in for Smush Parker. You kinda the get the feeling that, with Riley's boner for rookie hazing, Smush is going to get in first in the next game no matter how Cook performs, which is stupid. But that's the old fashioned way. So Daequan, with the pressure off, you may as well just enjoy yourself.

- Oh by the way, Miami is also last in the NBA in free throws attempted per game. But you get the feeling that that will soon change. And it won't be Mark Blount that's doing it.

- Szczerbiak makes a long two, and the lead is now 21 again. Cook shoots a three, but misses it. Unlike Smush Parker, though, he hits the rim. So there's clear seperation between the two there.

- Reed finally gives us the stat that I wanted to hear but couldn't be arsed to get up and find out - Seattle has a 46-28 rebounding edge. I'm surprised at how close it is.

- Shaq fouls Collison, and now has 4 fouls in 12 minutes alongside 3 rebounds. Collison hits both, extending it to a 23 point game. Pat Riley calls a timeout, and another Maroone advert plays, this time with Dan Marino doing an introductory segment, and the Ghostbusters theme music playing in the background. Good God. What a holy trinity that was. I'd watch an hour of that, and no messing.

- Coming back from the commericals, Sun Sports (to their credit) run stats highlighting the Heat's offensive woes both tonight and all season, and also run stats on what the Heat lost when Jason Kapono and Eddie Jones left. So +1 to them for telling the ugly truth for a while. Most importantly, the whole little section didn't mention Dwyane Wade even once! Unprecedented.

- Daequan Cook hits a three pointer against the zone. Finally.

- Running down the court, Nick Collison picks the ball up after an unsuccessful pump fake and, with nowhere to go, tries a self alleyoop off the backboard. The results were amusingly unsucessful.

- Mark Blount then hits a three against the zone, and Cook makes a layup off of a turnover. That quick 8-0 run has it down to a 13 point game, and Eric Reed gets excited. He starts a speech with the phrase "if the Heat win", briefly choosing to ignore the big deficit and dwindling game clock (6 minutes left) because he's too excited about the Heta being able to make two outside shots in the same quarter of play. Which is fair enough, I guess.

- The Heat actually have more opportunities to cut into the lead, as Seattle's defense continues to flounder. But Williams and Cook both miss open three pointers, and Seattle makes a couple of baskets - one off a great pass by Nick Collison which really pissed off Reed - to stretch it back to 18, and essentially end the game.

- Delonte West turns down a three pointer from the left corner, and thus is forced to drive right. He's not happy about it, and goes slowly. Eventually, after dribbling across the free throw lines to the right side, he has to put up a shot clock beater, and airballs a fallaway, contorting his body awkwardly just so that he could use his left hand again. Didn't seem worth it. Maybe work on this aspect of your game.

- Miami hasn't quit yet, and a pass from Wade to Williams for a three pointer cuts it to an 11 point game. Williams, buoyed by this, finally does something Jason Williams-like: after Damien Wilkins dribbles of his foot in a Damien Wilkins-esque way for the second time tonight, on the Heat's next possession, Williams turns down an open 18 footer to hit a cutting Davis along the baseline, which he turns into a three point play. That is Williams's only assist of the night, but at least he didn't make a turnover, so he's slowly catching Penny. 8 point game.

- Delonte West answers this with a three and proves, once again, that he is ALL BALLS. (And herpes).

- This game isn't tense any more. It never was, really. Seattle has been assured of the win since prior to tip off, and have never really given us a reason waver in that belief. They're just better, and it shows tonight if not in their season records. However, if there WAS tension, Eric Reed would have just diffused it. During a timeout with very little time left to play, Sun Sports ran an advert for an upcoming concert entitled "An Evening With Barry Manilow", Reed voiced the piece with something that was either genuine enthusiasm or extremely convincing sarcasm. I'm not sure which it was, but it was a very heartwarming moment.

- After the timeout, Miami runs a play to get Ricky Davis an open three pointer, which he misses. After making a couple, Miami doesn't now seem to be able to stop shooting the threes, and the 4-16 Davis doesn't seem to be able to resist it either. Wilcox dunks on the ensuing fast break, and then Mark Blount throws the ball away. It's a 13 point game and Seattle ball with 3.30 left to play. The game, while essentially over, is still technically winnable, but Pat Riley chooses this moment to sub out Dwyane Wade, presumably because he reached his full allotted 25 minutes. Kinda highlights the pointlessness of such a system, really.

- The following things happen towards the end of the game - Miami continues to hoist three to little effect, Damien Wilkins hits a 22 foot fallaway to take the piss a bit, Jeff Green airballs a 6 foot jumpshot shooting it only about 3 feet, and Smush Parker subs back in. The final one of those is the ultimate act of futility, and Miami goes on to lose 104-95.

- Eric Reed signs off the broadcast by saying "it's hard to imagine how it can get much lower for Miami". Well, wait until they lose to Boston and New Jersey this weekend. Then we'll see.

30 teams in 56 or so days: Miami

Players acquired via free agency or trade:

Mark Blount (acquired from Minnesota)
Ricky Davis (acquired from Minnesota)
Smush Parker (signed, 2 years, $4,680,000)
Joel Anthony, Brian Chase, Devin Green, Penny Hardaway, Alexander Johnson, Jeremy Richardson and Marcus Slaughter (all signed to the minimum salary with assorted levels of partial guarantees. If you include holdovers Earl Barron and Chris Quinn, you have 8 players on the bubble, 4 of whom are going to have to be cut.)



Players acquired via draft:

First round: Daequan Cook (21st overall, acquired in draft night deal)
Second round: None



Players retained:

Earl Barron (re-signed, unguaranteed qualifying offer)



Players departed:

Michael Doleac (traded to Minnesota)
Wayne Simien (traded to Minnesota)
Antoine Walker (traded to Minnesota)
Eddie Jones (signed with Miami)
Jason Kapono (signed with Toronto)
Gary Payton (put to sleep)
James Posey (signed with Boston)



Bobbins:

It seems fitting to "do" Miami next, given that they are a team recently in the news. If you are like me, and you're the kind of person that tends to get so excited when a transaction is made that a little bit of wee seeps out, then you probably secreted when you learnt of the recent Miami/Minnesota trade. That move saw Miami trades Antoine Walker, Wayne
Simien, Michael Doleac, a first-round pick and cash to Minnesota for Ricky Davis and Mark Blount, which potentially salvaged a crappy offseason for Miami.

Despite previous protestations about how the team would never be a taxpayer, last year's capitulation at the hands of the incomparably superior Chicago Bulls awakened Riley, Pfund and that lot to the fact that their team just isn't that good any more. The Heat had committed themselves financially to a core that had a championship window of exactly one year. They capitalised on that, winning the title in that one year of 2006, but they did so at a cost. The fallout from that left them with one young superstar and a heap of overpaid elderly codswallop. Codswallop, by the way, is a much underused word, especially in the NBA world. It means "nonsense", "rubbish", "crap", and stuff to that effect. I have two big aims for the world of basketball this year - firstly to get a complete scrub to the All Star game by mass manipulation of the online ballot (who this will be has not been decided upon yet, it depends on who is on the ballot), and also to get the word codswallop started on its long journey towards every day usage in the NBA world. Today, this day, this place, this paragraph, marks the start of that journey. Pay heed.

This elderley supporting case was enough to get it done in 2006, but last year the Heat showed their age. Starting point guard Jason Williams may only be 31, but he was exposed as a weakness last year - while the heart and head were willing, the knees were not. His backup, Gary Payton, was perhaps the worst rotation player in basketball last year. His main rival for that title was team mate Antoine Walker, while veteran centres Alonzo Mourning and Michael Doleac did not do much to offset the loss of Shaquille O'Neal, who had the worst season of his professional career as 35 year olds tend to do.

Needing to spend, and with permission granted from whoever it is that pays the bills, Miami then tried to get a bit of everybody. With starter Jason Kapono snapped up by Toronto within about 18 seconds of the free agency period starting, Miami let him leave unchallenged, rightly unwilling to pay that price tag. However, despite continuing to negotiate with James Posey, the Heat weren't able to convince him to stay either, as he signed with Boston. And with Eddie Jones having already signed with Dallas, Miami was left in the rather awkward position of not having any wing players that could make an outside shot, and also with the frankly scary possibility of having Antoine Walker start at small forward next year.

In addition to looking for a wing player or two that didn't suck, Miami was also seeking to upgrade their piss weak point guard position, and add a veteran big for insurance. These three seperate chases led them to pursue all manner of free agents and trade possibilities, from such diverse names as Maurice Williams, Charlie Bell, Mickael Pietrus, Allan Houston, P.J. Brown, Sasha Pavlovic, Ime Udoka, Mike Bibby, Juan Carlos Navarro, Ron Artest, Jannero Pargo, Rafer Alston, Corey Maggette, Steve Francis, Matt Barnes, Morris Peterson, Steve Blake, Gerald Wallace, Sarunas Jasikevicius, James Singleton and Vitaly freakin' Potapenko - basically, everybody. Only one of those moves went anywhere, when Miami signed Bell to an offer sheet, that Milwaukee swiftly matched.

The anti-climactic feeling of it all hit home when Miami announced their first two prominent free agency signings as being Smush Parker and Penny Hardaway, two players that are, frankly, a bit crap. The signings also summed up the bipolar nature of Pat Riley's offseason pursuits: after harping on for ages and ages about wanting a young and athletic lineup (the signings of players such as Parker, Marcus Slaughter, Alexander Johnson and Jeremy Richardsonhelp here), Riley also can't seem to resist trying to sign every old bastard that used to be any good (Jones, Hardaway, Houston), which seemed directly contradictory to the young athletes thing. But, oh well, whatever.

After the Bell thing went wrong, nothing much happened. The Heat continued to pursue all kinds of trades and free agency possibilties, to no avail. They rounded out their roster with more young athletes, and went to camp still working the phones but accepting the fact that nothing may come of it. And when Shaq's inevitable injury turned up and Dwyane Wade added in one of his own, the Heat were staring down a lottery spot.

Then just this past week, it got interesting, as Miami was finally able to do something. And the trade they made was a good one. They landed two of their probable top 9 players in Davis and Blount while only giving up spare parts to do so. Losing Antoine Walker is a case of addition by subtraction, Davis gives them a useful scorer and athlete at the wing position which Miami had sought all offseason, and Blount gives them a center whose limited face-up game is still useful when playing alongside Dwyane Wade, even if he does have a massive inability to catch.

All it really cost Miami was an extra year of Blount's big salary over Antoine's, and a first round pick that won't be high in an ideal world anyway. It's a trade that has put Miami back into the playoff picture, although they still aren't even nearly as good as their fans would like you to believe.

But who's to say that they've finished yet?



Next season:

In my Bobcats post, I talked about how I had decided upon my 8 Eastern seeds for the playoffs. Miami wasn't one of them at the time. Now, they are.

It's still a flawed team, with the worst point guard rotation around, and with the very overrated Udonis Haslem still starting at point guard. The team is still dependent on how much Shaq is willing to give a shit, and Miami is also still largely a two man team dependent on Shaq's health (and his continued descent towards mediocrity).

But that can be enough. The Cleveland Cavaliers, after all, are the epitomy of a one man team, and they amde the NBA Finals. They used a helluva lot of luck to get there, as their playoff matchups opened up wonderfully for them. But you can only beat who is in front of you, and that's what Cleveland did.

Miami is far from the best team in the East these days, let alone in the NBA overall. Their supporting cast to the two stars is rather poor, and the Shaq/Wade duo are not exactly the best examples of durability. But if various circumstances all come good at the same time, Miami has themselves a team that can make inroads in the East. If they can scrape into the playoffs and maintain good health all around at the most crucial time, then they won't be an easy matchup for whoever they play. Everyone said much the same last year, but they forgot two key things:

a) The Heat were never healthy.
b) Nor were they even nearly good enough.

This offseason, they've improved. They've cut out most of the crap, and added some talent. It's a better team than it was.

But it's not a title team. Not even close.