James Johnson breaking off a l'il sum'n sum'n

Yes. Yes.

Summer league round-up: Chicago Bulls

View the Bulls summer league roster.

- James Augustine: Something weird happened to James Augustine last year, something which took me a while to figure out. He was drafted by the Magic in the 2006 draft, and signed a two year rookie minimum contract with the team. He stayed with the team for the whole two years, barely playing, and was then tendered a qualifying offer when the two years was up. The second year of his first contract was only 25% guaranteed until July 30th, and the rule with qualifying offers is that they have to be at least the same amount of guaranteed money and the same guarantee dates as the final season of the previous contract. So when Orlando tendered him a qualifying offer, Augustine accepted it immediately, and was thus under contract for the 2008/09 season for $972,581 (the amount of the QO = minimum salary + $175,000), of which $243,145 (25%) was guaranteed, witha guarantee date of July 30th 2008. Orlando waived him before that date, meaning that they essentially paid Augustine a quarter of a million dollars to have him under contract for two weeks in mid-July. Way to do that "creative financing" thing that you do, Otis Smith.

Augustine then buggered off to Spain, where he averaged 7.7 points and 6.1 rebounds in the Spanish league for Gran Canaria. Which isn't great.

- Tyrell Biggs: I saw a lot of Biggs in Pittsburgh last year, and it's tough to say what he was good at. He had a decent set shot, but little interior offense, no finesse, and a bad rebounding rate. He was a decent defensive player, fairly aggressive and physical, but he's also 6'8 and not of NBA size, so his NBA chances don't really exist. However, I wrote all this in a piece last week, and someone responded by telling that I "didn't know anything" and that I should "just shut up," for I did not acknowledge Biggs' magnanimous and gallant willingness to sacrifice all personal goals for the overall benefit of the team, something which he supposedly did by being a role player for four straight years. Or something like that. I guess one of us is right, at least.

- Brandon Costner: I watched Costner play one game last year. This is what I wrote about him:

Brandon Costner never seemed to know what he was doing, disappearing for long stretches, and then trying to force his way back into the action with some poor shots.

That can't be good. Costner averaged 13.3 points, 6.0 rebounds and 1.0 blocks in 29 minutes per game for NC State last season, which isn't that great and which isn't nearly as good as what his 17/7 sophomore year suggested he might become.

- Chris Davis: Davis averaged 14.8ppg, 4.3rpg and 3.1apg for Southern University last season. He shot 41% from the field. He's not making the team. Let's move on.

- Taj Gibson: Gibson will make the team, no doubt, but he's going to have to play bloody well to win over Bulls fans, who remain bitterly pissed off at him for not being Dejuan Blair. (And if you've read my draft diary, you'll know that I'm one of them. I'll back off of this stance soon, though.) If he can show some offensive skill, some pick and roll defense, and the ability and/or desire to rebound, then we will begin to cope accordingly.

- Taurean Green: Green spent one year in the NBA, splitting the 2007/08 season between Portland (the team that drafted him) and Denver (who traded him for Von Wafer to save some money at the deadline). Denver traded him to New York last summer as a part of the Renaldo Balkman deal, but New York wanted him only for his salary and he was waived instantly. Green then spent last year in Spain playing for CAI Zaragoza, averaging 10.7 points and 2.0 assists functioning largely as a specialist shooter. The Bulls could use a specialist shooter, which gives Green a chance, but they also already have Anthony Roberson, which might piss on Green's strawberries.

- Julius Hodge: Hodge was playing like LeBron James in Australia last season, averaging 26.3ppg, 8.0rpg and 6.0apg for the Adelaide 36ers, before leaving the team due to a pay dispute. That was his version of events, at least; his team doesn't necessarily agree. Although given Australian basketball's current problems with solvency, I tend to believe him. Either way, it ended acrimoniously, and Hodge closed out the year in France, averaging 12.4ppg, 5.7rpg and 6.1apg for Besancon in France. His shot is still completely broke, though - he hit only two three pointers combined in the Australian and French leagues (who employ the shorter three point line, remember), and was also a combined 55% shooter from the free throw line between the two. This probably keeps him out of the NBA once again.

- James Johnson: He's a power forward that's not Tyrus Thomas or Taj Gibson, so I like him already.

- Linton Johnson: Johnson was a signing for the Bulls late last season as some emergency playoff depth, and played a few minutes decently. He started his career with the Bulls, and was way less cringeworthy with us this time around than last time, so that was nice. However, he doesn't have much chance of coming back to the team - Luol Deng's return from injury, as well as the draftings of Johnson and Gibson, just took any potential minutes that the old Lintonian could have had.

- Nick Lewis: Lewis has been a professional for three years, and has spent at least parts of all three of them in the D-League. Last year, for the Bakersfield Jam, he averaed 15.0 points and 7.2 rebounds, while shooting 48% from the field, 38% from the three point line and 83% from the foul line. He also has a nice full head of blonde hair. If he could play any defense, he might have had a shot in the NBA before now. But he can't. So he hasn't.

- Lorenzo Mata-Real: Mata-Real played on the Lakers' summer league team last year, as did about 48 other people, where he challenged Ruben Wolkowyski for the "worst player I've ever seen" award. Mata-Real averaged more rebounds than points in two of his three seasons in college, not a good thing when you consider that he only averaged 4 rebounds. In Mexico last year, Mata-Real averaged all of 9.0 points and 5.3 rebounds, and remember that that was in the crappy Mexican league. He's a 6'8 interior player to boot. Where's the NBA resumé here?

- Bryan Mullins: Mullins, a good defensive guard with a jumpshot, was briefly covered in the Celtics round-up. Then again, I didn't really say anything there either.

- DeMarcus Nelson: Nelson has an unguaranteed contract with the Bulls next season, even though he didn't play in a single game with them last season. He was brought in at the very end of the year as defensive cover at the shooting guard position in case of emergencies, but wasn't needed. The Bulls are supposedly renewing their focus on defensive abilities with their personnel this season, and could as always use a bigger defensive minded guard. So Nelson has a chance of making the team again, unless his lack of offensive talent is deemed too painful on a team that was never great at offense in the first place just let its leading scorer for the last four years walk away in free agency. (It still stings a bit, this. Although I wouldn't have paid him $11.6 million a year either.)

- Anthony Roberson: I fleshed out Roberson's chances of making the roster in this Chicagonow.com piece. And remember; you can catch all Bulls news and views, including Anthony Roberson goodness, at chicagonow.com. Go go go go go! (Seriously, though, go. If you do, I'll get paid.)

- Josh Shipp: Shipp just finished his fifth season at UCLA, getting a medical redshirt in 2005/06 due to a bad hip injury. In his senior season, he averaged 14.5ppg on 50% shooting, which is pretty damn good from a shooting guard. Despite having not seen him (I have UCLA games that I keep meaning to watch), everyone tells me he should have been drafted. So that's nice for us, I think.

- A.D. Vassallo: Consdiering that the Bulls need shooters (see the Roberson link), Vassallo has a chance. Vassallo averaged 19.1 points, 6.2 rebounds and 2.6 assists in his senior season for Virginia Tech, shooting 45% from the field, 37% from three point range and 83% from the line. His major assets are his good size and strength, and a jumpshot that has legitimate NBA three point range. Since leaving school, Vassallo has been back in his native Puerto Rico, averaging 2.5 points, 6.7 rebounds and 4.3 assists for Caguas in the Puerto Rican BSN league (which takes place during most other league's offseasons). If he was 6'8 he'd probably in the league, and if he was as fast as John Salmons he'd probably in the league. But he's neither of those, so he's not in the league. Europe will love him, though.

- Luke Zeller: Zeller did largely Fanny Adams at four years in Notre Dame, rebounding badly, playing little defense, and being a specialist jumpshooter. He turned a fine high school career (he was formerly Indiana's Mr Basketball) into an underwhelming college career; Zeller averaged 4.9 points and 2.8 rebounds in his senior season, both of which were career highs. He worked out for the Bulls before the draft, albeit only because Gonzaga's Josh Heytvelt missed a flight, yet went undrafted anyway. Zeller's NBA prospects are even slimmer his left leg. His best chance in the NBA seems to be if some team out there gets confused and thinks that his first name is spelt with a "Tyler" (his superior younger brother currently at North Carolina). Or if his last name is spelt with a "Schenscher".

Sham's unnecessarily long 2009 draft diary, part 1

Last year's draft night was arguably the best day of my life. The 2007 draft night before that is its only competitor. I mean that, too. For reasons I have never figured out, I find draft nights to be better than sex. Maybe I've only ever had crap sex, but that's how I feel about it.

It never makes for especially brilliant television, but to know that dozens of executives all over the country are making more news in a 12 hour period than in the previous 12 months combined is kind of pulsating. In the course of a day and a night, rosters, directions and allegiances will change. We spend weeks and months in advance predicting what's going to happen on this one night, only to find that, sure as hell, we're all more wrong than a Myra Hindley Christmas album. It's great fun.

I'm a bit apprehensive of this draft, though. This draft will be unlike any other for me, for this is the first draft I'll have watched in which I know anything about the players involved. Before this season, I had not watched the NCAA before outside of a handful of games, for the simple reason that it wasn't on the telly. However, this year, for whatever reason, it was. And so in keeping with my usual approach (take note ladies), I went at it hardcore, gave it my all, didn't want to miss a single inch of skin/minute of action, and strove to be better at it than everyone else in the world (particularly that inferior man you're currently with).

Because of that, I'm going to miss out on what I've always considered to be the highlight of draft night; the ability to judge people for life based off of a few short clips, what kind of suit they're wearing, their post-selection interview, a short speech by Jay Bilas and the timeless "Must Improve" captions that so effortlessly make the work of drafting websites utterly redundant.

I don't yet know if this is a good thing.

As was the case with last year's draft, due to my social life full of partying, hard living, sexual deviance and explosive excitement at all times, I missed the whole day of build-up to the event. I missed out on the moves that were made, not least the Shaq and Vince Carter trades. (Speaking of, a: did Cleveland need to get slower and less athletic? and b: even as a fan of his, I'm far from overwhelmed by a trade that sees Courtney Lee be the best returning player in a Vince Carter deal. Hope the sale of the Nets goes well, Bruce Ratner.)

I also had to scramble to even watch the draft in the first place, stuck as I am on an internet connection with speed that rivals an arthritic Pavel Podkolzin in a game of musical statues. So I went to my friend Luke's house, to stay up all night and watch the draft downstairs as he slept upstairs, with him perhaps a little freaked out by the whole thing. Or that was the plan, at least. Gallantly, despite not knowing or caring a little bit about basketball, he watched a bit of it with me. He's a good sport. It's a good sport.

I got there at 11pm, 90 minutes before the start of the draft, and started to pick through the bones of all the news that I had missed out on. But this was soon sabotaged by the shock relevation that Michael Jackson had died. On draft night, too. The selfish bastard. When I would have liked to have spent the next hour reading up on completed deals, rumoured deals, and putting to paper my views on the Richard Jefferson deal (which may still be posted about a week too late, FYI), I instead spent that time talking about that while trying to think of the world's best Michael Jackson joke to start via text message. (I ended up going with what I thought was quite a good Farrah Fawcett gag. It failed.)

Nevertheless, I got it all out of my system eventually, and settled in to watch the draft unfurl with a glass of milk and a half-eaten biro at the ready. Eleven pages of notes later, this is what I came up with. Enjoy it.

(NB: Written in real time, even though it isn't, because it was. If that makes sense. Also done in a Twitter-like fashion, because the kids go for all that jazz these days. Apparently.)

---

00.01: We're underway. Tonight's lineup: Stu Scott on the drums, Jay Bilas on the bass, Jeff Vandy on rhythm guitar, Mark Jackson on the keys and Dick Vitale as lead vocalist, with Fran Frischilla, Ric Bucher and Andy Katz as guest guitarists. The same as last year, basically. Except we've lost Stephen A. Smith finally.

00.04: Apparently the Jamal Crawford to Atlanta trade, which was initially supposed to be held up until July 8th for no reason at all, went through early. The value for Atlanta is great, and if given a sixth man role Crawford could thrive, just like Ronald Murray did last year. Then again, they could surely bring back Murray to do the same job for a far lesser price. But still. It's a trade. And trades are good. Dictatorial and slightly authoritarian, but good anyway. Things have started well.

00.05: Also, the Lakers have apparently agreed to sell their 29th pick to the Knicks, in a deal which can't be consummated until after the pick has been made due to the Lakers still owing Memphis their 2010 first round pick as a part of the Pau Gasol deal. Selling this year's pick seems silly. Someone should tell the Lakers that while they did just win the title, they also need to improve their team, and that if they spend all their money on only bringing back last year's team, they're going to lose. Late first round draft picks are good ways to bring in cheap bench talent, something which every team could use. But now the've taken themselves out of the running. Also, I don't know if you know this Jerry Buss, but you're REALLY FREAKING RICH, and the Lakers only make you richer. So up the payroll, you big jessie.

00.05: An early FYI: Amare Stoudemire either is or isn't going to the Warriors, according to Ric Bucher and his slicked-back hair. It's all good information. I'm writing it down. Also, their version of the proposed deal sees Amar'e Stoudemire going to the Warriors for Andris Biedrins, Marco Belinelli and Brandon Wright, taking great care to spell Amare's new fangled name right, but not Wright's. Don't worry, Brandan. When you're as good as Amare is, they'll care.

00.06: If there's any legs to that rumour, then the Bulls had better top that deal, regardless of his eye surgery and the size of his extension. Some risks are worth taking. (Oh, in case you didn't know, I'm a Bulls fan. Expect bias.)

00.07: Oh wow, Danny Larue died last month and no one told me. Sorry MJ, but you just got usurped.

00.07: "You got usurped" was the working title for "You got served", by the way.

00.08: Last season, Stephen A. Smith suffered the ignonimity of being bumped from the panel of analysts, reduced to the role of a mere interviewer. He looked simultaneously sad and listless all night, wondering how things could have gotten so bad. Well, they got worse after that, and his arse was fired by the network, so now he's not here at all. Neither is Doris Burke, whose fine work of last season wasn't enough to see her keep her job, as Lisa Salters gets a turn at being the token female this year. And someone called John Barr is in Cleveland, getting ready to do some cavilingus on whoever he can find to interview about the Shaq trade. They make all these changes, yet Stu Scott remains. Whatever.

00.10: Someone just alerted me to http://www.ismichaeljacksonalive.com. Good fun. But how they got that site up within an hour of his death, I do not know. Someone must have bought that domain some time in advance. Spooky stuff.

00.11: Way too much freaking ticker on the screen tonight. Seriously.

00.12: Apparently Steve Nash wanted Shaq traded. Can't imagine why. I wonder who Shaq's going to backstab this time. I vote Goran Dragic.

00.13: Interesting point someone just made: Shaq has now played with a prime Penny Hardaway, a prime Kobe Bryant, a prime Dwayne Wade, a prime Steve Nash, and now a prime LeBron James. Yet he has only 4 rings. How do you have only 4 if you're one of the greatest of all time and you played with that lot? Tim Duncan has four, and he did it with either the shell of David Robinson, or the inherently flawed Tony Parker. Compared to that, Shaq just doesn't compare.

00.16: I'm a heterosexual male, and so confident am I in that that I can tell you without fear of reprisal that Jay Bilas is just dreamy. Look at that jawline. Look at those shoulders. The teeth. And the soothing dulcit baritones. Such an alpha male. I'll believe anything he tells me. Anyhoo......

00.18: ESPN has decided to focus their draft build up on Blake Griffin. Apparently they think he might be picked first overall. I'm not convinced.

00.23: I am distracted from the pre-draft Griffin-up by an interview that's taking place on Sky News with Hollywood actor and musical legend, Joe Pesci, about the death of Michael Jackson. Anything that involves Joe Pesci talking is hard to ignore, and the fact that he's talking about the death of a legend is secondary to his always amusing vowel sounds. Good times. I wonder if Pesci will do a tribute to Jacko on his next album.

(You didn't know Joe Pesci had an album? You should. It's bloody brilliant, I tell you. Particularly the Jim Reeves cover. There's also a music for a Pesci original rap song called "Wise Guy", which I will proffer for you now.)

(No, I didn't believe it at first either. But there it is. Remember kids; it's the bitchez that'll get yuz.)

00.25: Mark Jones is interviewing Ricky Rubio, which gives me my first taste of Rubio's voice. And it's frankly hilarious. He sounds like Glenn Quagmire doing an impression of Speedy Gonzalez. More good times. Also, if you were wondering if this Mark Jones is THE Mark Jones - former Orlando Magic shooting guard Mark Jones - then let me help you with that; he is not. Shame.

00.26: Luke is wondering if he can get a refund on his Michael Jackson tickets. I'm pretty confident that he will, although I'm also pretty confident that the show won't be any worse than it would have been anyway.

00.27: The first Dick Vitale moment of the night happens. Prior to this year, the only things I knew about Dick Vitale were these draft night cameos from his front room, his voice (lifted directly from a heavily constipated Johnny Vegas) and his frankly sensational porn star name. But now that I've watched him work as a commentator for over a year, I've got one more to add to that; I don't like him. And the reason I don't like him is because, when he gets excited, he ends every sentence in an imperfect cadence. Yes, this is reason enough to dislike someone.

He's not doing that in this draft night rant, though, which is a relief. The rant goes on for 50 seconds, and included only one use of the term 'baby'. That's even more of a relief.

00.28: Here's a picture of Blake Griffin.



That is all.

00.29: ESPN bridges the gap between the end of the 30 minute countdown and the start of the 5 minute countdown with a montage of some of the high picks. Ironically (or foolishly) they have Hasheem Thabeet point at the camera as say "THIS IS MY TIME!!!" just before the number 1 pick is announced. Even at this late stage, I'm not putting it totally past Dunleavy.

00.30: The customary Red Pepper voiceover happes. That means we're starting. RIP Don LaFontaine. Let's do this.

00.31: We are treated to the customary "war room" shot that is so unnecessarily obligatory before the number 1 pick is made. Nothing's happening. Lots of people are sitting around a table, and Mike Dunleavy is in the middle, smiling dauntingly, not wearing a tie. I don't need to see this. I didn't need to see it last year, either. The Clippers have only pick; it's the first pick, they know who they're taking, and we know who they're taking. It's the ultimate formality. So instead of looking at men in suits getting ready to clap, here's a monkey on a bike.

(Joe Pesci samples that tune on his album, by the way.)

00.31: David Stern comes to the microphone for the opening speech, and comments on the crowd being a "rowdy lot tonight". He's not kidding. Oh by the way, the NBA might be moving the draft to Los Angeles. These two facts are not related in any way.

00.31: Stern's speech marks the beginning of a five minute wait before the Clippers can make the 1st overall pick. The idea here is the team uses these five minutes to decide on who they're going to draft, but, since we've already seen Mike Dunleavy loafing about, nonchalant in his own incompetence, here's another monkey on a bike.

00.32: ESPN throws up a 'Clippers depth chart' caption that features Zach Randolph coming off of the bench behind Chris Kaman and Marcus Camby. Either they know something that we don't, or they know nothing.

00.33: Stern comes to the podium to announce the pick, mercifully before the full five minutes has elapsed. When he does so, a little ditty plays before he starts talking, just like it has done in every pick in every draft that I've ever seen. Does anyone know why this ditty plays?

00.33: Stern announces that Griffin is taken number 1 over all, and Griffin gallantly puts on an oh-dude-I-totally-had-no-idea face as he hugs his brother, his family and two random people, before making his way up to receive his lifelong dream of a Clippers hat. The analyst's brief run down of Griffin reveals nothing we didn't already know (he's quite good, apparently), and this prompts ESPN to find some filler material. They first cut back to the Clippers war room - where Dunleavy is now in only his underwear listening to Kenny Loggins records and dealing cards to himself - before showing us a replay of Blake Griffin standing up. I watched this replay really intensely to see if I'd missed something interesting that necessitated it being shown again. I hadn't.

00.35: Mark Jones isn't wearing a tie, either. Make an effort man, for God's sake.

00.36: Here's my question: if you're 6'9, why would you choose to go into the only profession in which you could ever be considered to be "too short"?

00.37: It's Memphis' turn, and there's genuine intrigue now. In previous years, the top of the draft has been about as subtle as a punch in the face. You know who's going to be picked by whom, and watching the first 5 or so picks happening was just a procession. But not this year. As early as #2, we've already got a poser. The clearcut #2 in this draft is Rubio, but he said he won't sign with Memphis. Thabeet has pretty much said the same, and the other two candidates (James Harden and Tyreke Evans) play the same as last year's number 3 overall pick, O.J. Mayo. This puts Memphis in a quandry, where the logical pick refuses to play for them and the rest aren't particularly good fits. They could trade down still, or they could trade out of the draft altogether. It's all possibly. Personally, I'm hoping they'll call Rubio's bluff and take him anyway. And why not? Who was the last top 5 pick not to sign with the team that picked him? Even Steve Francis would have signed with Vancouver, eventually. Maybe.

00.40: Failing that, I want them to draft James Harden, because a Harden/Gay pairing can't fail. I'm still rueing the premature demise of the Gay/Love pairing of last year. It's still funny to me. (Luther Head is a free agent, by the way.)

00.43: Cameras cut to the Grizzlies war room. Something's actually happening in there - a man is adjusting something on a wall. In relative terms, it's like an M. Night Shyamalan film in there, yet it's still ultimately boring. If I had a childish mind, the proper means at my disposal, and a highly accurate impersonation of Mike Dunleavy in my arsenal, I'd totally ring them right now and talk about a Griffin trade. I really would. The lesson here; don't give me a position of authority.

00.45: After a generous five minute wait, the Grizzlies ignore me and pick Thabeet. Brilliant. There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. This draft is so bad that a specialist was just picked 2nd overall. Because that's what he is - a specialist. He's not Dikembe Mutombo and he's not going to be. He's not more than an opportunity scorer, and he's not going to be. He is what he is - he's all right. And now he's going second. Nice draft, this.

00.46: Also, I don't want to be the one who has to make him and Marc Gasol work together on the court. That's a tough ask, since, you know, they're both centres. Memphis now has two starting calibre centres and no starting calibre point guard or power forward. And I'm sure that they would have picked Rubio were it not for the hostage situation that would have unfolded.

That said, I don't blame Rubio for standing his ground here. As much as we enjoy the draft, we have to realise that it's an utterly stupid system bordering on slavery. (Maybe.) A system that promotes parity amongst the league is fine, but it only partly works, and it doesn't take into consideration the wishes of the players involved. It's pretty ridiculous that we see these situations where an American kid who pursues their dream of becoming a professional sportsman for his whole childhood, finally fulfills their dream and achieves the status of being an NBA-calibre talent, just to be susceptible to an ass-backwards scheme that sees his place of work dictated for him for a number of years, where he has to move across the country if someone tells him to, where he has no freedom to choose where he plays or what he gets paid, and where the only option available to him if he decides not to go along with it is to either kick up a stink (with the obvious negative connotations that would arise from that; 'oooh, he's a bad egg'), or to emigrate and play in another country, because he hasn't the freedom to choose his own path in his own country.

Essentially, it's slavery. In a predominantly Christian society supposedly based on free will and determinism, in the self-annointed land of the free, we have this backwards system that is akin to borderline slavery. It's extremely well paid slavery, but it's slavery nonetheless. It's not a million miles away from what Adolf Hitler was trying to do. Oh and by the way, I'm absolutely embellishing this now and totally don't believe any of this paragraph.

00.48: Thabeet's on-screen profile says that he "Must Improve: Offensive Game". You've got to love that caption when dealing with a number 2 pick.

00.49: For some reason, Mark Jones' interview table has a motif of a jigsaw puzzle piece. I don't get this.

00.49: Thabeet mentions in his interview that part of his development as a player has been 'going from kicking it with my feet to using my hands'. If your cockles weren't already warmed by the caption, you're probably soggy and moist with excitement over the pick now,

00.50: Oklahoma City is up next, and if they don't pick Ricky Rubio because of the presence of Russell Westbrook, then I'm leaving. Jay Bilas seems to disagree with me, as he wants Harden and Evans to be picked before Rubio. I know he's wrong.

00.51: .....nope, apparently he's right. OKC picks Harden, so apparently they envision Westbrook as a point guard. The camera cuts to Ricky Rubio clapping the pick and smiling weakly. This needn't have happened.

00.52: Not only does James Harden play like John Salmons, he also looks a bit like him. This somewhat parallels the Matt Devlin/Lionel Hutz likeness, which is both an audio and visual experience. It's also not necessarily a bad thing, because John Salmons is pretty good. Although hopefully it won't take Harden longer than his rookie contract to get to that kind of standard, like it did with Fish.

00.54: Jay Bilas is on a roll, and he has gotten the first three picks right so far. His tail is up, and now he compares James Harden to Brandon Roy. Once again I think he's wrong, but that hasn't done me any favours so far, so I'll be pragmatic about it and acknowledge the possibility. I'm also forced to change my stance on Rubio-over-Harden once I see Harden's outfit for the evening, a stunning combination of waistcoat and bowtie that I can only hope to be able to carry off some day.

00.55: Harden says "I will work hard". That's good. If he hadn't said it, I would have had to assume that he'd work only casually.

00.55: A caption with the Kings' depth chart on it flashes up, and I have to explain to Luke that Spencer Hawes' first name is not "C".

00.56: Jeff Van Gundy is on the panel again this year, and he's clearly worked hard to make improvements over the offseason. Last season, Van Gundy dodged all questions about the draftees by instead talking about other player's on the teams roster, a strategy which culminated with his utterly baffling claim that the Knicks didn't need a point guard because they had Stephon Marbury. This year, though, he came prepared, and unloads unto us a packed diatribe about the strengths and weaknesses of Tyreke Evans' game, and why he'd be a good pick for the Kings at 4. If he's not picked now, Jeff'll be crushed.

00.57: Fortunately, Jeff is spared. The team with Kevin Martin at two guard and Beno Udrih at point guard just picked Evans, who projects as a two guard, in a point guard heavy draft with Rubio still on board. Yeah, I see what they did there. They chickened out of picking Rubio, that's what they did. Presumably, had they picked Rubio, America would have had to go to war with Spain or something catastrophic, and the Spanish are fearsome in battle. They build big Armadas and things, they're unsinkable. (Well, unsinkable unless you can enlist the English, that is.) Whether they choose to play Evans at point guard anyway is up for debate, but the answer had better be "yes".

00.58: Jay Bilas is now 4-4, far surpassing last year's 2-2 start before Brook Lopez's inexplicable slide. A gentle fapping noise can be heard from somewhere about his person.

00.58: In his post-selection interview, Evans reassures us that he will work hard. Wow! Two hard workers in the same draft! We got lucky this year.

00.58: Farrah Fawcett's dead, man. Only now has it hit home.

00.59: You know, after Minnesota fleeced Washington for the #5 pick this year, it was rumoured that they might package the #5 with the #18 to move up and take Rubio. They obviously didn't, but as it turns out, they didn't have to.

KHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



01.00: Mark Jones surprises us with the news that Tyreke Evans's nickname is "Hugo". Here's some more Tyreke Evans trivia that's less broadcastable but equally true; Tyreke Evans was once accidentally the getaway driver in a murder his cousin committed. Easy mistake to make. Happened to me only last week.

01.02: Minnesota takes Rubio, and the cameras cut to their war room, where surprisingly a table can be seen without a massive open bag of coke on it. Sadly, we also don't see a glimpse of Fred Hoiberg. Maybe it would have been better to cut to the Wizards' war room instead. It can be fun to watch people cry.

01.03: Dude! Rubio has MILF!

(OK, so she looks worryingly close to Brent Musburger in that picture. But trust me. She looked hot on draft night. Sort of.)

01.04: A Rubio highlight montage consists almost solely of look-away passes. Jointly, me and Luke now annoint Rubio as "Mr Bait 'N' Switch". It's funnier if you know us, to be fair.

Also included in the montage was a clip of one jump shot. He missed it. The follow-up caption said "Must Improve: Jumpshooting". Dayum, they're good at this.

01.06: Rubio says "I know what is rough" and "I am Ricky Rubio" in consecutive answers. I'm now tempted to call him Rocky. However, he didn't say at any point that he was going to work hard, so he's clearly never going to reach his potential now.

01.08: JVG implores that Minnesota should pick a backup to Rubio with the #6 pick. Considering that the only shooting guard on their roster right now is Rodney Carney, who is an unrestricted free agent as of 6 days time, this seems like a weird thing to ask for. Nevertheless, Kahn and the Wolves oblige him by picking Jonny Flynn, Syracuse point guard and reputed kitten murderer. If they don't think the two can play together at a later date, then the pick is extremely weird, and if they DO think that they can play together.....well, they're wrong. Neither is a good defender, nor will either ever have shooting guard size, and neither is effective without the ball or a good outside shooter. Yet somehow they have to take those concurrent weaknesses and find a way to coexist. I think David Kahn just made his first whoopsie.



01.10: Jay Bilas says that Flynn suffers from being "only 5'11". Within seconds, a caption shows up listing Flynn as being 6'0 1/2. It's a slick production, this, made only somewhat less slick by the constant background noise of Stu Scott's breathing. The caption also says that Flynn must improve his decision making; whether this applies only to basketball, or also to his feline homicide tendencies, we can only guess.

01.11: Flynn shows more charisma in his interview than the previous five draftees welded together, and like Rubio, he also talks about how tough he is. What's better than one Rocky Rubio? Two Rocky Rubios. And Battenburg cake. (Good news! There's still room for judging people on first impressions only! All is not lost!)

By the way, I've seen a boatload of Syracuse, and Flynn is probably too high here. He has more upside than most, with his athleticism, passing vision and aggressiveness, but he's also a poor defender, mediocre shooter, and prone to going out of control. He's pretty good, though, and he's partly why Syracuse are my favourite NCAA team. The variety of other reasons:

1) They had about 786 televised games over here for some reason.
2) They only played seven guys, one of whom was an unskilled Belgian.
3) Eric Devendorf has a potty mouth.
4) Jim Boeheim's wife is hot.

Of course, all of these apart from point 4 are going to have changed or become redundant by next season. But I can fairweather it up if I so wish.

01.12: Tip for anyone with a lazy eye - put your glasses on straight, Scott has tilted his at a rakish angle to try and combat the fallen iris, but it's not fooling anybody.

01.13: Mark Jones drops the word "seminal" in an interview. As a keen promoter of that word, I'm claiming some credit for that. If he says "giggidy" later on then I'll know I have some sway.

01.14: Everyone other than a beaming Jeff Van Gundy is a bit confused by the back-to-back point guards thing, and a baffled Stu Scott throws it over to Ric Bucher for word on whether the Wolves picked Flynn only to trade him. Bucher announces, with a tinge of fear in his voice, that the Wolves are intent on keeping them both. They start two power forwards, I guess, so starting two point guards can't be that hard.

Question: if Washington had kept the #5, would they have drafted Rubio, and if they didn't, would a Randy Foye/Rubio backcourt have worked out? I vote no and yes. But nonetheless, the Timberwolves don't have to play Sebastian Telfair any more, so it can't be that bad. And if they really struggle for a shooting guard, let's get Hoiberg to make a comeback.

01.15: Golden State picks Stephen Curry with the #7 pick, a move which the "rowdy lot" boo venemously. This leads to the following exchange:

Luke: "Why are they booing it?"
Me: "Because the draft's held in New York, New York pick next, and their fans really wanted Curry."
Luke: "Oh. He should have played worse."

Good point.

01.15: You know, if you could do cut-and-shut jobs with NBA players, sticking Curry and Flynn together would give you one hell of a point guard. (That pointless thought and arbitrary statement was easily my most lucid moment of insight all night. I should get an analyst's gig.)

01.16: Jay Bilas has now picked the first 7 picks correctly. His smile stretches from shoulder to shoulder and can be seen from space.

01.17: Before interviewing Stephen, his dad Dell Curry gets interviewed, for no particular reason whatsoever other than he's an ex-NBA player. This makes him no more exciting of an interview. But it does prompt the following exchange:

Me: "I had a dell curry once. Pretty tasty."
Luke: "Well, Dell will sponsor anything these days."

We're taking this double act on the road, by the way. Book early. Book often. (NB: if one of us were to die, no refunds.)

01.18: As I watch Stephen Curry sit there in a mismatched tie and jacket, with a pre-teen boy's beard on his chin, spouting a succession of generic statements in a voice handed down to him by his father, and being subjected to a realm of stereotypical anaylsis about how he "understands the game", I am reminded of how much worse the world will be now that Michael Jackson is dead. It's a bugger. Let's do the man a favour; scrub the last 15 years from the record, and remember him for what he was before it all went wrong - slightly weird, but freaking brilliant.

01.20: New York reacts to the Curry pick by picking Jordan Hill with the 8th pick, to a chorus of boos. It's not a bad move, as it at least unites the next Chris Wilcox with the current Chris Wilcox for at least one week. But it's roundly derided anyway. After about 40 seconds of booing, the director cuts to a shot of a small band of renegade Knicks fans cheering wildly, which is good fundamental directing. Jay Bilas is now 8 for 8, by the way.

01.21: Hill's draft capsule implores him to improve at "finishing strong". Giggidy. (Go on, Mark Jones. Say it.)

01.22: In his interview, Hill says "I'll do what I gotta do" and "I'll just play basketball" in back to back sentences. The next person to say something interesting in their post-draft interviews wins a bun. Don't you know that millions of people around the globe are judging you for the first time at that moment? Because we are. So give us a reason to remember you. Wacky ties will suffice.

01.23: Bilas cuts down Hill with the scathing pseudo-compliment that he "must learn how to play". Zing. The 8th pick in the draft must learn how to play, everybody. Charge your glasses.

01.23: Just looked it up, and apparently Jordan Hill is NOT a station on the Bakerloo Line, like I first thought. Nor was it an Australian teen soap opera. Sorry about that.

......

That'll do for now. The rest will come when I wake up.