Where Are They Now, 2009: Area 51

I might be a bit quiet for the next fortnight, for I have three important assessments to do between now and the 17th, and then I go on a short holiday on the 18th. It's not going to be an easy or particularly fun few days. However, if anybody can tell me how a detailed description of Paul Cezanne's "Still Life With Apples" might be used to explain the artist's reputation, then I'd be grateful. I have absolutely no idea of the answer, and no interest in the subject matter. I'm more interested in, say, the life and times of Mirza Teletovic. Speaking of, let's bring the noise.

- Jamaal Tatum was the strange beneficiary of a training camp contract by the Portland Trail Blazers this summer, but unsurprisingly lost out on the 15th roster spot (which, surprisingly, Shavlik Randolph won). Tatum promptly returned to his D-League team of last season, the Idaho Stampede, for whom he averages 12.1 points and 3.7 assists per game, while shooting less than 40% from the field.

- Bryce Taylor is with Premiata Montegranaro, the team that Shawn Kemp nearly played for. Taylor averages 11.1 assists, 2.4 rebounds and a frankly depressing 0.5 assists per game, this coming on a team that features starting point guard Kiwame Garris averaging only 2.5 apg himself. I think I might have mentioned that before somewhere, but it's hard to remember, because these posts are starting to all run into each other in my mind, into a big gloopy ball of confusion and doubt. Apologies if you're suffering from the same.

- Donell Taylor has spent the year with Egaleo in Greece, averaging 13.2 points, 3.6 rebounds and 2.2 assists per game.

- I think we all thought that Maurice Taylor was done. He hadn't played since 2005/06, hadn't played well since 2000/01, and had spent a long time unsigned, out of our hearts and minds. He was waived by the Knicks in September 2006, signed by the Kings a few days later, was foolishly kept over Justin Williams, and was later waived in January when Justin was re-signed, not playing a single game for the Kings in that time. Two years then passed, and it was assumed that that was all she wrote. But it wasn't; in January this year, Taylor signed a three year deal with Milano, albeit one which only allows him to play in Euroleague games (for some bizarre reason). Taylor has since played in three games, which read like this (earliest first):

7 minutes, 6 points, 3 rebounds, 2 fouls.
8 minutes, 0 points, 3 rebounds, 2 fouls
20 minutes, 7 points, 6 rebounds, 4 fouls.

Make of those what you will, but I'll call it progress.

- Mirza Teletovic is into his third season with Tau Vitoria, and recently signed an extension that will keep him there until 2014. An inside-outside scorer, but primarily a shooter, Teletovic averages 12.6 points and 3.8 rebounds in the Spanish league, alongside 15.0 points and 4.0 rebounds in the Euroleague. Those Euroleague numbers come from a total of 225 points on 147 shots, leading to a points per shot average of 1.53 PPS. Love that metric. Love it. It's like true shooting percentage, except you can calculate it yourself in 12 seconds. Good times.

- Reyshawn Terry started the year with Vanoli Soresina in the Italian second division, averaging 16.5 points and 8.3 rebounds, before getting the call-up to the slightly bigger dance. Now in SerieA with La Fortezza Bologna, Terry averages 13.0 points and 5.5 rebounds in the EuroChallenge, but also has a strange drop-off to 4.8 points and 4.6 rebounds in the Italian league, where he hasn't hit a three yet.

- Off The Street Billy Thomas is now back on the street, after being released by the Colorado 14ers for reasons that I am not aware of. Thomas had averaged 16.8 points, 4.6 rebounds and 2.2 steals in his time with the Fourteeners, so it certainly wasn't because of his play. Before that, Thomas was in Greece playing for Kavala, where he averaged 8.8 points, 3.4 rebounds and 1.7 steals.

- Former Suns training camp invite and Iowese bench player Doug Thomas is with the mighty Sundsvall Dragons in the Swedish league. The Swedish league is so anonymous that I can't even give you his numbers, but I can give you this slightly confusing box score. I think it says that he had 5 points, 4 rebounds and 3 assists in a recent win. Yay Doug!

- James Thomas is technically the property of Upim Bologna - with whom he is signed through next season - but he is currently on loan to Erdemir in Turkey. I don't know if Americans are familiar with the prospect of loaning players, but if not, all you need to know is that it's a great idea that the NBA should totally consider. In the Turkish league, Thomas is doing his usual thing, averaging 10.2 and 11.3 rebounds per game in only 30.5 minutes per game. He's also not fouling as much as usual, recording only 2.3 per game. It's strange how this undersized power forward can rebound far far far better than many of his bigger peers. Certain people can learn from this.

- John Thomas was still pushing for another go around in the NBA, even at the age of 33, when he joined the Bucks for 2008 summer league. Further to that, he spent last season in the D-League, averaging 12 and 8 for the Fourteeners. But now, age 33, he might just be willing to go where the money is. Or at least, that's my conclusion based off of the fact that he's currently playing for Al Jalaa Aleppo in Syria. I have no numbers for him. (Roderick Riley, another big man who enjoyed a flirtatious grope from the Atlanta Hawks back in 2005, was also on the Bucks summer league team this summer, and is now also a member of the Al Jalaa Aleppo team. Play close attention, Joe Alexander.)

- Omar Thomas is averaging 10.8 points and 5.6 rebounds of Solsonica Rieti in SerieA, the highest standard of basketball that he's played so far in his professional career. His team want him back.

- And finally, Dijon Thompson is with Azovmash in the Ukraine, where his scoring is strangely down. Thompson averages 11.0 points, 6.4 rebounds, 2.0 assists an 2.0 steals in a whopping 35.8 minutes per game in the Eurocup (remember, they're 40 minute games), alongside 13.2 points, 6.5 rebounds, 2.4 assists and 1.8 steals in 29 minutes per game in the Ukrainian league. I am now off to Google some French impressionists. Hopefully, I'll find porn.

Where Are They Now, 2009; Part 50

- D.J. Strawberry is with Fortitudo Bologna, the same team as GMAC Bologna, but not the same team as La Fortezza Bologna. Can't stress that enough. Strawberry averages 14.7 points, 2.7 rebounds and 1.5 assists in Eurocup play, alongside 13.8 points, 3.5 rebounds and 1.2 assists in the Italian league. Strawberry is a combined 16 of 76 from the three point line, confirming once again that his major weakness is still a weakness.

- Brad Stricker has been on and off the Dakota Wizards roster all year, averaging 11 minutes, 2.6 points, 2.3 rebounds and 2.1 fouls per game. His playing time wasn't exactly consistent; his last ten games with the Wizards saw him play 5, 4, 3, 5, 2, 2, 8, 30, and 8 minutes respectively. Stricker eventually asked the Wizards for an unconditional release, as he wanted to play for a team closer to his home due to some family issue. He was granted it, and now plays for the Albuquerque Thunderbirds, where he averages 17.6 minutes, 3.6 points, 3.6 fouls, 1.8 rebounds and 1.0 blocks per game.

- Erick Strickland now works for the Mavericks in a capacity that I'm too confused to understand. Here's Erick himself with an explanation. Did you know that Erick Strickland's real first name is Demerick? Me neither. Fun fact.

- Rod Strickland is the director of basketball operations for the University of Memphis, while also taking classes there to finish his degree. Ever since his hire in 2006, Memphis have gone on to be slightly brilliant. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not. But, since Strickland's role entails things like organising travel plans, checking on student's academic scores, and scheduling visits for recruits, it probably is.

- Curtis Sumpter averages 10.8 points and 5.9 rebounds for Chorale de Roanne Basket, the third best team in France and the subject of a slightly seminal 1978 song by The Police.

- Bruno Sundov this week left Cibona Zagreb (in Zagreb) to join Vive Menorca (in Menorca). He also started the season with ASK Riga in Latvia. Sundov has not yet played for Menorca (who also feature Frederic Weis, so that's going to be a hell of a frontcourt), and he totalled only 16 points, 5 rebounds and 8 fouls in his 30 total minutes for Cibona in the Adriatic league (36 minutes, 13 points, 8 rebounds, 5 fouls in the Euroleague). However, for Riga, Sundov's numbers shot up to 18.8 points and 8.8 rebounds in the Eurocup, along with 14.8 points and 4.5 rebounds in the Baltic league. Somehow, though, the 7'3 Sundov has managed to block only 8 shots all season, in a combined 33 games and 621 minutes.

- Allegedly, Bob Sura's girlfriend stabbed him with some keys when she found him at a restaurant with another woman. These allegations and many more can be found here. Read with caution.

- Mike Sweetney is missing. Not just missing in that I can't find out anything about him, and not "inform the police" kind of missing. Just sort of missing. After never losing the necessary weight, even when the guaranteed money ran out, Sweetney's contract expired with the Bulls and he became a free agent in the summer of 2007. He has not been heard from since, and has not played anywhere, not even in summer league. Sam Smith mentioned in a column at some point last season that not even the players association could find him any more. Not even Facebook can help us on this one. I hope he's all right. If you know anything about Mike's whereabouts and well-being, let me know.

- Szymon Szewczyk - another one of those turn-of-the-century "let's draft a Euro! You never know!" second rounders, this one by the Milwaukee Bucks - is still in Russia with Lokomotiv Rostok. He's doing rather well at a decent standard of basketball, averaging 14.5 points and 7.5 rebounds per game in the EuroChallenge, as well as 12.3 points and 6.7 rebounds in the Russian Superleague. However, he's also now 26 years old, and was picked with the 35th pick, so it's still been one hell of a reach. (Still, it could have been worse. Players picked after Zoochick that year included Nedzad Sinanovic, Paccelis Morlende, Slavko Vranes, Ramon Van Der Hare and Xue Yuyang. You know about the lack of achievements by some of them already, and as we get further through this list, you can see just how little the others have done too. Should be fun!)

- Yuta Tabuse scratched around in the D-League for a few years, trying to find a route back to the NBA. He barely got off of the bench, though, and this season returned to his native Japan, where he speculated that a season of beastly numbers would get the job done. (His hefty paycheck this year won't hurt, either.) However, he hasn't exactly been as brilliant as he might have hoped for - for Link Tochigi Brex, Tabuse averages 34.1 minutes, 11.0 points, 3.2 rebounds, 5.6 assists and 2.3 steals per game, shooting 23% from three point range. Still, the assists and steals totals lead the JBL, so he's still one of the better players amongst weak competition.

- Finally, Chris Taft's career progression has been minimal. Taft played only 17 games in his underwhelming rookie season of 2005/06 with the Warriors, before suffering prolonged chronic back injuries, and was waived that offseason with a year still guaranteed on his contract. He then didn't sign anywhere until early 2008, when he played 8 games for the Rio Grande Valley Vipers, averaging 4.0 points and 2.5 rebounds. True to form, Taft is currently unsigned, but he has recently been approached by Philippines National Team Director Rajko Toroman about whether he would be interested in ecoming a naturalized Filippino citizen, with any deal contingent on the health of his back. Clearly, it's still not quite right.

Of this list, only D.J. Strawberry played in the NBA last season. We're scraping the barrel for you here today.

Summer signings, round 21

This edition of our fun and voluptuous Summer Signings is highlighted by the fact that there's almost no one in it that you've ever heard of. If all the players in this list get into 80 NBA games combined next season, I will be shocked. In fact, I'll be justifiably flummoxed if even three of them make a roster. It's a sparse'un this time. Onward.

- Casey Jacobsen has signed with ALBA Berlin in Germany. In a previous blog post, I asked semi-mockingly for someone to do some research into which players have been to the German league and still been able to come back to the NBA. Two people mentioned Jacobsen, who was the German league finals NBA in 2007 before spending last season on the bench for the Memphis Grizzlies. This move completes the Grizzly German sandwich (giggidy), but it doesn't really undermine my insinuation that the German league is a bit shit, does it? Casey Jacobsen is all right, but a fringe NBA player. In between these two German stints, he scored 107 points on 115 shots in the NBA, as his jumpshot decided to take the year off. And now he's gone back to Germany where he'll probably star once again and become a champion of the serfs. What does this say about the German league? Basically nothing more than what I've already implied - it's a bit weak.

By the way, one of the two people who told me about C-Jake was an agent, who shall remain nameless. In Googling to see whether this nameless man is, or has even been, Casey Jacsobsen's agent, I found this search result:

"casey jacobsen girlfriend ipmessage lolita masturbation free pregnant women having sex"

So, something for everyone there.


- In a bizarre move, the likes of which have never previously been seen as interesting, the Suns and the Rockets swapped young guards D.J. Strawberry and Sean Singletary. This move is interesting (if you're a nerd) because it's a move that could save both teams money. The Rockets are trying to save money to be able to re-sign Carl Landry and Dikembe Mutombo without paying the lxury tax too much, if at all, and the Suns are trying to save money because they're the Suns. So in this deal, they may have both found what they were looking for. With the minimum of 13 players under contract once Goran Dragic officially signs his deal, the Suns depth chart is pretty much done, and Strawberry figured to be the last man on it again. However, as a second year player, he was to earn the minimum of $711,517, whereas a rookie on the minumum would earn only $442,114. Therefore, swapping Strawberry and Singletary saves the Suns the difference between those two sums ($269,403), doubled for tax ($538,806), and yet they lose nothing on the court, because neither player is going to take it. (Note: Singletary's salary is only partially guaranteed, contrary to what it says elsewhere on this webshite, but he'll make the team anyway, because if he doesn't, they'll have to pay someone else as well.) The Rockets meanwhile take on the more expensive player, but Strawberry's contract is not guaranteed, and so they save the whole of Singletary's salary, while also losing nothing on the court. It's all very interesting stuff if you're the kind of person that will forego a social life and regular sex in order to reinvest that time into calculating Greg Buckner's trade kicker.

(Note: If the Rockets keep Strawberry, then forget I said anything.)


- Joe Crawford has signed with the Lakers for training camp where he can once again do what he did in summer league and outplay Coby Karl. While challenging Tim Duncan to a fight.

- Kaniel Dickens has signed with Napoli, in Italy. See how obsure the list is this time around? Kaniel Dickens represents one of the bigger name players on it. At least he actually played in the NBA last year. That's more than what this next fella did.

- Mario Kasun and Barcelona have mutually agreed to terminate his contract. I don't know why, but we can speculate wildly. Maybe he doesn't think he was being paid enough. Maybe he wasn't getting enough minutes, in his own opinion. Or maybe he had a fight with Andre Barrett. Actually, yeah, it's that.

- Orien Greene has signed for MyGuide Amsterdam. And, if anyone out there should need a guide to Amsterdam....start with the cafes, follow the stench of sex, and work backwards. Soon enough you'll find a 70 year old woman seated in a shop's front window dressed in nothing but stockings and a suspender belt, knitting. As national identities go, it certainly pisses our one of fish and chips, Amy Winehouse, an arbitrary powerless monarchy and drizzle.

- Rod Benson has signed with SLUC Nancy in France. I don't know what the SLUC stands for, but if you change the last letter slightly and put it all in lower case while still suffixed with "Nancy", then it makes for quite a realistic soubriquet for the aforementioned 70 year old woman seated in a shop's front window dressed in nothing but stockings and a suspender belt, knitting.

- Sean Marks has signed for the New Orleans Hornets. How the hell does he do it? He's not a bad player by any means, but...well, he's never really done anything, has he? And yet he's now about to start the ninth year of his NBA career. 8 years, 127 games, 391 points, and still more offers of work. Just doesn't make sense. But fair play to him nonetheless.

- Memphis signed Hamed Haddadi, the only player in the Olympics to average a double double. Another fine move by a fine organisation.

- The trail blazing Portland Trail Blazers signed their 15th, 16th and 17th men in Luke Jackson, Steven Hill and Jamaal Tatum, albeit not necessarily in that order. I have already rambled about Jackson, and have nothing to say about the other two, so that's the end of that torrent of NBA insight. Quick! We're near the end!

- And finally, former Clippers guard and ABA journeyman Fred Vinson has returned to the Clippers as an assistant coach. After reading about this news, I faffed about for a while, and then went to bed. Yet clearly the news had a lasting effect on me, because I then proceeded to dream about Fred Vinson. I dreamt that me, Fred Vinson and Fred Vinson's wife, Mrs Fred Vinson (I don't even know if she exists) were out to dinner in a restaurant. The three of us were huddled around a table designed only for two. I had a steak diane, Mrs Fred Vinson had soup, and Fred Vinson had a largely undistinguished plate of brown. There was laughter, merriment, and much guffawery. I can't remember a single topic of conversation, but dammit, it doesn't matter. The important thing is that I dreamt that I was out to dinner with Fred Vinson.

You don't want to be like me when you grow up.