Where Are They Now, 2009; Part 36

I am confident that the issues that have plagued this site over the last ten days have been resolved. It has taken 5am phone calls, much repeating of myself, large stress levels (assuaged only by the host company's hold music, which is awesome and which made the hours fly by), and a series of progressively more empassioned complaints, but we finally got there. We even found the cause of that problem that makes one in every five attempts to view a player profile fail, although it's not been cured yet. If you continue to have issues with anything, let me know, as long as those issues are with the website and not your personal life. (I'm a caring person, but I have my limits.) Hopefully we can move forward with our lives now, and we'll do that with this post; Where Are They Now, 2009 Edition, Entry No. 36. Christ, this list is getting long.

- Sergei Monia is into his third season with Dynamo Moscow, and has extended his contract so that he can stay there a bit longer. Then again, unless they start filling out that stadium a bit more, they might just run out of money. Monia (who seems to go by Sergey Monya these days, although I fear change and will keep it the same on here) averages 7.8 points and 4.0 rebounds in the Eurocup, alongside 6.7 points and 5.3 rebounds in the Russian league.

- Paccelis Morlende is unsigned after not making the Ural Great Perm team this preseason. Those who don't know who the hell Paccelis Morlende should first congratulate themselves, and then read this: Patch was a second round pick of the Seattle Superdupersonics (via the Sixers) back in 2003, after a season in the French first division that saw him average 13.4 points per game. Since then, he has done absolutely nothing. Morlende averaged 14.5 ppg and 4.9 apg in the French league the following season, before leaving to sign in Italy. There, he didn't get nearly as much time, and averaged 5.1 ppg and 1.5 apg for Bennetton in the Italian league. His career has still not gotten back on track since then - last season, back in the French league with Gravelines, Morlende averaged a mere 4.6ppg and 2.7apg before being released from his contract a year early. And those numbers came in the French league, remember. Morlende also turns 28 in six weeks, and currently doesn't have a basketball career to speak of. Most depressingly of all, his website (www.paccelismorlende.com) no longer works, which seems to be a sign of the times in the world of Paccelis Morlende. But the Thunder hold his draft rights anyway on a technicality, so maybe there's some hope that he will still join the NBA. (NB: There is no hope that he will join the NBA.)

- Terence Morris is still a member of CSKA Moscow, but for reasons that I'm not aware of, he never plays in the Russian league. (I believe it has something to do with a limitation of the number of foreingers each team can play in the Superleague, but I'm not sure.) Morris hasn't played in the Russian league since November, and averaged 8.4 points and 5.2 rebounds in the only 5 games he played there. (CSKA haven't lost in the Russian league all year, so it's not hurting them much.) He continues to be a regular in the Euroleague, though, even if he is the recipient of wildly fluctuating playing time. Morris averages 8.3 points, 5.1 rebounds and 1.1 blocks in the Euroleague, making him one of the leading contributors on the best team in Europe. So it's not all bad.

- Toree Morris is a bit part player in the D-League, a league that yearns for quality size. Morris started with the Fort Wayne Mad Ants, averaging 5.0 points and 3.7 rebounds in 14 games, and then moved onto the Albuquerque Thunderbirds, where he averages 3.3 points, 3.0 rebounds and 1.0 blocks in 8 games. Unfortunately, that equates to 26 total points and 24 total rebounds with the Birds, which is worrisome alongside his 27 total fouls.

- Brian Morrison was also in the D-League, averaging 3.7 points and 1.3 assists for the Austin Toros, but he was waived last week.

- Alonzo Mourning retired earlier this season. Since then, he's toured hospitals.

- Gabe Muoneke is with the Yunnan Honghe Running Bulls in China. By now, you should know that that can only mean one thing - the most impressive statistics in this entire post are about to appear. And you'd be right; Muoneke averages 34.6 points, 9.3 points and 3.2 assists per game. If you take the season domestic averages of everybody mentioned in this post so far and add them together, you total 22.1 points per game. That's how much they pale to Muoneke's. Chinese league basketball - it's faaaaaantastic!

- Unlikely as it may seem, Lamond Murray is still playing professional basketball. Well, he was until last month, when he was waived by the Chinese league Guandong Southern Tigers in preference to Smush Parker. Did Lamond Murray average truly mental statistics over there? I don't think so; as far as I can tell, he didn't even play a game. But he did play in the IBL over the summer (it's like the USBL, except with a lower standard), and he averaged 26.6ppg, 11.9rpg and 1.2apg there. Is an NBA comeback on the cards? No.

- Mamadou N'Diaye left Zalgiris Kaunas after they went bankrupt and cut all foreign players, and he is currently unattatched. CAI Zaragoza are after him, supposedly.

- Bostjan Nachbar is one of the best players in Europe now, averaging 15.9 points and 5.5 rebounds in the Russian League with Dynamo Moscow, as well as 15.4 points and 4.9 rebounds in the Eurocup. It would make sense for the Nets to have him back, but they can't really, because they're stuck with Eduardo Najera for the next three years. Still don't understand that deal. But, screw it; sign Boki anyway, decline Jarvis Hayes's option, and try to rehome Bobby Simmons. Or just bench him, whichever.

- Finally - and this was really difficult to find out, so please value it - Lee I'm Nailon Your Wife was recently playing in Iran, but left in December due to "family reasons". He is now signed in the Lebanon, with Lebanese league leaders Al Riyadi. Isn't Lebansese the term for a woman who likes other women? I dunno. I think I need a lie down. See ya.

Summer signings, round 25

Celery! All! Done!

- Andre Owens signed with Red Star Belgrade, which kind of answers my question about whether you'd rather have Horace Jenkins or Alex Scales . The answer is apparently neither. Good answer.

- The Lakers signed Brandon Heath for training camp. Heath did a decent job pretending to be a point guard for the Clippers' summer league team this season, and by "did a decent job", I mean "put up 3 assists and 13 turnovers in 5 games". (For what it's worth, he looked better than those numbers do. Although that's not hard.) They also signed C.J. Giles, taking their training camp roster up to 18 players already, and with an offer to Didier Ilunga-Mbenga still out there. They are also supposedly working out Jelani McCoy, so clearly they're looking for a tall crappy centre. All of this means that there's no room any more for Ira Newble, which we sorta already knew, but which this writer wants to confirm.

- Chris Quinn re-signed with the Miami Heat, and may well be the starter at point guard next year. Since winning the championship, the Heat have publicly pursued everybody, ever. From Mickael Pietrus to Smush Parker to Charlie Bell to Penny Hardaway, the Heat have made a play for everybody that has ever played the game, with almost no success on the free agency front. And now, three years into their search, their starting point guard figures to be Chris effing Quinn. This probably isn't pleasant for Heat fans. (And no offense to Chris Quinn, by the way. It's just that......you know.)

- Darryl Watkins has signed with the San Antonio Spurs for training camp, a move that brings with it no incisive follow-up comment or silly joke.

- The Cavaliers finally re-signed Delonte West to a very fair deal. Worryingly, the Cavaliers have had a pretty good offseason. They've re-signed West and Daniel Gibson for decent value, traded peripheral pap for a starter and scorer in Maurice Williams, made two good draft picks in J.J. Hickson and Darnell Jackson to reinforce their weakest position, and made a good depth signing with Tarence Kinsey. Of course, they still inexplicably signed Lorenzen Wright (if you need a veteran third string centre, fine, but NOT HIM. Jesus, not him. Jake Voskuhl's still out there, for instance, and Jake's all right), but it mostly went well. If they find a way to never let Ben Wallace take the court again, and turn Wally Szczerbiak's expiring into a talented player, they might get over the hump that they've been painfully short of lately. There you go, I've credited Danny Ferry. I will now sever my own arms.

- A post from the dark ages informed you paupers that Thunder draft pick DeVon Hardin had signed in Turkey. However, I'm now here to inform you that he's no longer signed in Turkey, for the team let him go due to a stress fracture in his right foot. That's what they do in the continent - they release you if you hurt yourself. Seems harsh.

- Gabe Muoneke was also released, by Asvel in France, but not because of injury. Apparently he didn't "fit" the team's "profile". So it would appear that Asvel think they have room to be choosy when it comes to signing fringe NBA players.

- In spite of the fact that this is ostensibly a list of 'signings', the last two entries were the opposite of that, and this one makes three straight. More than once (i.e. twice), I have made reference to the ongoing Jumaine Jones saga. For those uninformed, Jones somehow managed to sign with two teams at the same time, causing a legal battle. This saga has now been resolved - Jones has been suspended by FIBA for a year, and since FIBA and the NBA respect each other's contracts and suspensions, this means that Jones is now out of basketball for a year, a worrisome proposition for a 29 year old with NBA aspirations. Bad times.

- And now, some signings. Big signings, at that. Ken Johnson has signed with Telekom Baskets Bonn in Germany. Take a minute to let that sink in.

- The Orlando Magic found their third string point guard of dreams in Mike Wilks, while Pat Garrity officially announced his retirement. Mike Wilks should have been in the NBA last year, and Pat Garrity shouldn't, so this is justice more than anything. God speed, Pat Garrity, and all who sail within you.

- Robert Swift re-signed with Oklahoma City, taking his qualifying offer of three and a bit million dollars. This was a good idea for a man who has played 8 games in the last two years and who still hasn't recovered from an incredibly bad knee injury. I hope Robert Swift gets healthy, by the way. He was getting somewhere as a player.

- Steve Castleberry signed with Podebrady Sadska in the Czech Republic. Right now, you're probably thinking "who the fuck is Steve Castleberry?" It's a good argument, well constructed.

- And finally, some bonus trivia. Former Mavericks guard Jon Stefansson has gone back to Iceland, signing with KR Reykjavik and thereby foregoing a decent basketball career. Also, another former Maverick, forward Ruben Wolkowyski, has been offered a contract by Spanish team Fuenlabrada. Ruben Wolkowyski is easily the worst player I have ever seen in my life, and I've seen Steve Goodrich. And Steve Goodrich wasn't good. Or rich.

More importantly, Shawn Kemp has arrived with his new Italian team, Montegranaro, and now we get to see what shape he's in. The answer is....not bad.


Photo courtesy of whoever took it, and used without permission.

Summer signings, round 4

- Andreas Glyniadakis, former Pistons draft pick and one-time Sonic, has extended his contract with Costa Coffee in Greece. I hope that the sponsoring of team names never catches hold in the NBA, even when it leads to beautiful times.

- Ersan Ilyasova, whose NBA rights are still owned by the Milwaukee Bucks, has seen his contract with Barcelona extended. It seems odd that, in this instance, the NBA franchise has been the feeder club for the European team. 10 years ago, that just doesn't happen.

- Gabe Muoneke, a man on the fringes of the NBA for about 6 years now before finally getting a sniff with the Charlotte Bobcats last October, has signed with Asvel in France. Last season, Muoneke played in Iran, and he's probably made the right decision to get out.

- English supestar Pops Mensah-Bonsu has signed with Joventut Badalona in Spain, and, if I've ever called them Joventut Barcelona in the past, then I apologise. Pops will play alongside Ricky Rubio, and if you've heard that name but don't know much about him.......he's brilliant. He really is.

- Qyntel Woods has signed with Fortitudo Bologna. I want to make a joke about dogs, but I like dogs, so I won't. By the way, I sponsored a dog recently, and let me tell you - it's a damn scam. I take my time choosing which dog I want to sponsor, pay for a full year, but then they send me a letter saying "we're sorry, but that dog is no longer available to sponsor". And then they kept the money anyway. Bastards. So learn from my mistakes - if you're feeling philanthropic, sponsor a panda or a child or a leper or something. There's no value in the dog thing.

- Rodney White - possibly the worst player in modern history to have a triple double in an NBA game, depending on your view of Chris Duhon - has signed for Maccabi Tel Aviv, which is in Tel Aviv, Israel.

- Troy Bell has signed for Soresina in Italy's lower divisions. The drafting of Bell was quite possibly the worst roster move that Jerry West has ever made in the NBA, depending on how shit hot your NBA history knowledge is. (Mine's awful.) Players drafted after Troy Bell in 2003 include David West, Leandro Barbosa, Josh Howard, Kendrick Perkins, Boris Diaw, Jason Kapono, Carlos Delfino, Maurice Williams, Luke Walton, Zaza Pachulia, James Jones, Kyle Korver, Steve Blake, Travis Outlaw........et cetera. Whoops.

- Former Denver Nuggets guard Vincent Yarborough has hit the big time, signing for Bonn in Germany. The mere mention of Vincent Yarborough has reminded me of how bad that 2002/03 Denver Nuggets team was, and so, for the hell of it, here is a run down of the whereabouts of everyone they gave an airing to that season.

1: Juwan Howard - unsigned, spent last season with the Dallas Mavericks.
2: James Posey - agreed today to sign with the New Orleans Hornets for 4 years.
3: Maybyner Hilario - the only one still with Denver, although he hasn't played much for a variety of reasons, including cancer.
4: Chris Whitney - long since out of the game. And the headlines.
5: Shammond Williams - now a Georgian citizen, somehow. Playing for Pamesa Valencia in Spain.
6: Rodney White - see above.
7: Donnell Harvey - recently joined the Charlotte Bobcats summer league team, but left early due to a family emergency. Unsigned. (By the way, speaking of the Bobcats summer league, Jackie Butler was supposed to be on it, but he never turned up. If we haven't done so already, can we officially scrub Jackie Butler from our minds? Thanks.)
8: Marcus Camby - yes, well, let's not talk about that.
9: Devin Brown - unsigned, last season played for the Cavaliers.
10: Jeff Trepagnier - unsigned, spent last season with Pau Orthez in France.
11: Kenny Satterfield - Scoop Jackson assures us he's fine.
12: Mark Blount - currently the Miami Heat's starting centre, which probably enthuses them no end.
13: Chris Andersen - unsigned, but that won't last. Played all of 34 minutes last year with the Hornets.
14: Lorinza Harrington - playing for the Philadelphia 76ers summer league team.
15: Nikoloz Tskitishvili - unsigned. Quick! Before someone snaps him up!
16: Ryan Bowen - unsigned, played last for the Hornets, Says he's "hopeful" of being re-signed, something which I agree with.
17: John Crotty - very very done, but I don't know what he does now.
18: Adam Harrington - unsigned, played last year in the D-League.
19: Predrag Savovic - has one year left of a five year contract that he signed with Bilboa in Spain back in 2004. Still sucks, but he has Luke Recker, Drago Pasalic, Mile Ilic, Quincy Lewis and Fran Vazquez for company.
20: Vincent Yarborough - see above.
21: Mark Bryant - didn't play again after leaving this very same Nuggets team. Now an Oklahoma City assistant coach.

Jesus. What a shite team that was.

Where Are They Now? Part 26

Aaron Miles plays for Cajasol Sevilla in Spain, where he averages 9.3 points and 3.6 assists a game.

Oliver Miller played in the ABA briefly last year, for a team called the Arkansas RiverCatz (the Z makes it appeal to kids!), but hasn't played anywhere this year. And at age 38, he probably won't do it again, either.

Reggie Miller is these days a piss poor announcer, who contemplated whether to sign with the Boston Celtics this summer, before seemingly deciding not to disgrace his legacy by doing so. And why would he, when he could disgrace himself from the sidelines instead.

Paul Miller is playing for Polonia in Poland, averaging 11.6 points and 6.7 rebounds, all the while playing alongside a guy so fantastic that when we get to the letter R, he'll get his own dissertation.

Ricky Minard averages 14.1 points and 3.1 rebounds, alongside another who-the-hell, Kiwame Garris.

Albert Miralles remains in Spain, doing his Edwin Starr impressions for Pamesa Valencia. Miralles averages 6.5 points and 3.4 rebounds.

Jerome Moiso just won the ULEB cup with Barcelona, putting up a record 4 blocked shots in the final. (4 blocks is the record? Weird.)

Sergei Monia plays for Dynamo Moscow in London (just checking), alongside the long list of players mentioned in the Yaroslav Korolev entry. Monia (or Monya) averages 8.2 points and 3.8 rebounds.

Patch Morlende barely plays for Gravelines-Dunkerque in France, and simply has not panned out.

Terence Morris has wound up with Maccabi Tel-Aviv in Israel, whch is not bad going for a player of his calibre. Even better, Morris averages 10.6 points and 7.8 rebounds, which wasn't nearly as shit as I was expecting. So well done him.

Toree Morris is playing in the Portuguese league, which isn't a common occurence. Morris averages 6.4 points and 6.3 rebounds.

Gabe Muoneke spent most of the year with Tau Ceramica in Spain, but after learning that they wouldn't extend his contract, he left last month. Muoneke averaged only 5.2 points and 3.1 rebounds. Also on the Tau roster are ex-NBA'ers Igor Rakocevic and Pete Mickeal, both of whom look far better there than here. (And by "here", I mean "the NBA". Not "England".)