Game of the week 4: Bulls vs Magic

Eight weeks have passed since the last game-of-the-week which makes the title of the series something of an outright lie. Yeah. Sorry about that. I was busy and ill and stuff.

Still, to get us back into the series, I'm choosing to depict a game featuring the greatest basketball team in the world (as long as you don't include wins and losses in your criteria for what makes a team good), the insatiable Chicago Bulls, as they take on the Orlando Magic.

For those who haven't been following at home, the Chicago Bulls are less than mediocre this year. And for those of us who support them, it's a rather painful kick in the arse to witness. This team last year won 49 games and made the second round of the playoffs. They weren't half bed. They improved upon this on paper as they upgraded their personel, kept together their core, and assumed incremental improvement from all the young holders. Things were supposed to be beautiful.

They aren't.

For whatever reason, the Bulls suck. A premier defensive unit with mediocre but sufficient offense has suddenly turned into a mediocre defensive unit with the worst offense in the NBA. The "slow start" excuse played for a while, as the Bulls do have a recent history of slow starts. But for whatever reason, this season, they're still bad at the near half way point of the season.

The Magic, meanwhile, tore out to an epic start, and have now levelled off a bit. Just like last year. Except hopefully for them, unlike last year, they won't be distinctly middle of the road come the end of the season. But with future MVP Dwight Howard around, it seems unlikely.

After spending roughly an hour finding a way to watch the game online (obviously via totally legal methods), I gave up, and listened to the audio feed instead. I lay in bed to do this, because I'm lazy like that. It was there that I discovered that the game was being broadcast on a tape delay via English TV channel Five, whose NBA coverage has been nitpicked to death by me in the past (namely, here. So we'll see how they handle this.


- If you didn't know this already, Luol Deng has an English passport. Ben Gordon also will do in the foreseeable future. This makes Five rather intrested in the Bulls progress, and broadcast all Bulls games with simmering dollops of bias. And that's to be commended. Tonight, however, they've gone one step further, and added an in-studio guest - Luol Deng's brother Ajou Deng. Ajou Deng is 29, taller, considerably inferior, with exactly the same voice as Luol. He also looks sorta the same, except with the eyes of poker player Phil Ivey, and with a gap tooth that would have been considered sexy several centuries ago. Ajou speaks slowly, deeply and consistently, with no hint of punctuation or syllable inflection, and with absolutely nothing to say except to respond to the inane questions fired by the in-studio pairing of Mark Webster (not the world darts champion) and Andre Alleyne about how brilliant Luol is. This is going to work perfectly, I can see it.

- Ajou regales us with a story about how he won an MVP trophy during a basketball tournament he played in, the prize for which was a 27 inch television, which he then had to take home on the bus that he arrived on. Welcome to the world of British basketball. Additionally, Britain's first ever entry to the ULEB Cup (the second tier European club competition), the Guildford Heat, are 0-9 in the competition so far, with numerous enormous losses, including a recent 40 point loss to Joventut. Ajou Deng plays for the Heat. So you can see where this is going.

- None of the three studio presenters can tie a tie. Alleyne hasn't bothered, Deng shouldn't have done, and Webster offers up a remarkable ensemble for the evening. Unshaven, somewhat gaunt looking, with an abortive attempt on his very stripey tie and a seriously ill-fitting V-neck sweater, Webster looks as though he has just been pulled out of a crackhouse and thrust into whatever clothes they could find only minutes before the show began. Strangely, though, he's also wearing a purple wristband. Answers on a postcard.

- In back to back sentences, Webster describes the Bulls season so far as "patchy", and then says "let's hope that [another good run to close out the season] happens again!". Like I said, it's all swarmed in bias. And I'm totally cool with that.

- In pre-game build up, Alleyne mentions how Ben Wallace has "picked himself up", in reference to his recent play. Then a graphic shows up showing how the Bulls are the sixth highest scoring team in the NBA this season at 103 points per game, which Alleyne elaborates upon weirdly. Alleyne then closes his stanza with the immortal sentence "Chris Duhon will start in the, um, erm, excuse me, point guard spot vacated by Kendrick Hinrich." So not only are we biased as all hell, but we can't analyse for shit. Fantastic.

- Mark Webster then calls Joakim Noah "Wakeem", and suddenly I feel vindicated about being unable to kick the habit myself. Then again, as we discussed earlier, Webster is a crack addict, so......

(Legal disclaimer - Mark Webster is not a crack addict. Neither of the famous Mark Webster's are.)

The team then proceed to have a conversation about Wakeem, his skills, value to the team, and about his recent suspension for backchat. It's actually an intelligent discussion full of accurate observations, perspective and common sense. While it was taking place, the cameraman went for a wander, and panned to two Luol Deng jerseys sitting on a desk somewhere. Don't know why this happened.

- Finally, before the tip-off, Alleyne and Ajou agree that the Bulls are going to need a big defensive game from Ben Wallace. For those who haven't noticed, here is Ben Wallace's defensive PER this season. Feisty.

- Kendrick Hinrich is sitting out tonight due to a combination of back spasms and epic shitness, so Thabo "The Show" Sefolosha starts in his place. This means that the Bulls have now replaced the third worst jumpshooting guard in basketball (Hinrich) with the worst (Thabo), both of whom are starting alongside the second worst (Duhon). This on a team that also starts the 33% shooting centre Ben Wallace. This is really going to space the floor, I reckon.

- After Ben Wallace wins the opening tip, which he seems to do every night as fatigue ha snot yet set in, Jumpin' Joe Smith attempts the Bulls first 3 shots, and misses them. And you said we didn't have a post scorer!

- Ben Wallace exhibits Shaq-like pick and roll defense early, successfully managing to guard neither Orlando player. But in his defense, if you think paying Ben Wallace $15 million a year for only one dimesion (and you're wrong, for it's actually zero dimensions), then give Rashard Lewis three years and you'll have a black Pat Garrity for $20 million a year. Yes, I'm still harping on about this.

- Chris Duhon misses a wide open three point shot, and Thabo Sefolosha turns down an open 21 footer in favour of dribbling into screeners for 5 seconds. Still, only four minutes until Gordon comes in.

- After Ben Wallace picks up his second foul, Aaron Gray comes in for him. Colour commentator Matt Guokas mentions how this makes Dwight Howard's eyes "light up". Yeah, well, wait until Dwight sees what a powerhouse he has to defend. Aaron Gray is the shit.

- Sefolosha hits a jumper. Wow. Matt Guokas mentions about how that type of player - the thought of as insignificant type - are the type of player that typically burns the Magic. Well, we'll see about that.

- I feel I should mention at this moment that I'm rasping for a piss, and yet the show has had no advert breaks yet. Things are starting to get uncomfortable.

- Coming back from a timeout, the game feed cuts back in with the camera focused on Wakeem Noah on the bench. This causes Webster to lose his professionalism, as the soundman hangs him out to dry by leaving hsi microphone on for five seconds longer than Webster thought he had. After handing back to the American audio feed, Webster then booed Noah loudly, thinking that he was off air. That was fun.

- Joe Smith opens the game 1 for 5 from the free throw line, which is extremely unlike him. He scowls angrily at the basket after all the misses, which is extremely unusual for Smith. This Bulls team is personified by awful body language, and only the constant chirpiness offered by Aaron Gray, Smith and Noah shows any kind of interest in the players being there. And if we lose Joe to a bad temper, then the franchise has real problems.

- Ajou Deng's awkwardness to the camera is topped only by Luol's. If you've ever seen Luol Deng talk toa camera, you'll notice that he slows up his speech for some reason. And quite frankly, it makes him sound like a spanner. I thought I'd mention this.

- Brian Cook is fat and awkward.

- Stan Van Gundy is fat and awkward.

- The first quarter ends at 27-24 to Orlando. The TV show is now 50 minutes in, and not even the end of the quarter brings me the relief of an advert break. I'm really scratching for a slash here, but I can't seem to stop watching, in case I miss something I can roll my eyes about. Right on cue, Alleyne calls Thabo by the unusual name of "Seffer-LAR-shar". Obviously I can;t miss things like this.

- During the first quarter break, we are treated to a montage of every shot Luol Deng took and/or made. This could get tiresome, even for those of us out there who love Luol Deng dearly and would even be willing to overlook it if he bricked our parents to death. Meanwhile, Ajou Deng's head slowly disappears into his shoulders.

- Alleyne again references the stat they invented which claims that the Bulls are 6th in the NBA in points per game. So the analyst can't analyse, the in-studio guest can't entertain, and Mark Webster is high as a kite (allegedly). Brilliant.

(But, you know? It's still very entertaining for some reason. At least they're enthused. And that counts for a lot. Well, OK, Ajou Deng isn't enthused.)

- For three straight possessions to open the second quarter, Orlando takes and makes straight away 28 footers. Chicago responds by bringing the ball up unneessarily slowly, taking 10 seconds to even get to the play calling stage. The Bulls offense survived all its pitfalls last year by pushing the ball enough to be the 6th fastest offense in the entire NBA, which in a league featuring teams such as Phoenix and Golden State is no mean feat. Yet this year, aided by the slowness of Duhon and Hinrich, they've decided not to bother with that, unless their idea of pushing the ball involves in-rhythm 20 footers with no one in rebounding position. That, they do plenty of.

- Still no ad break. I can feel my bladder rupture.

- After Ben Wallace does his customary 10 dollar move with a 10 cent finish in the low post, Matt Guokas claims that "you might normally go three or four games without seeing Ben Wallace attempt a post move". Oh God, how I wish that was the case.

- As Joe Smith shoots a free throw, a girl with a mop runs behind the rebounders to back underneath the basket Joe is shooting at. Any closer, and she would have run down the paint itself. Strange times. Joe makes it anyway but still doesn't look happy.

- Ben Gordon is in at the point guard spot for Chicago. Fantastic! That'll facilitate the ball movement and stop the turnovers.

- After the outside shooting barrage, Chicago is now down 14. They look deflated already, although I'm not sure they ever looked inflated. They also strangely can't seem to rebound with Ben Wallace in the game. Surely not? It's not like Ben's man routinely goes off for big rebounding nights or anything. An Orlando timeout comes, but no advert break comes with it. Webster says "Wakeem" again.

- Thabo Sefolosha is given a whole calendar week to shoot a three point shot from the wing. He obliges, and makes it. He has now hit three jumpers in one game. One of them nearly hit a flying pig.

- If you are wondering at home, why do the Bulls continue to play Wallace when he is substandard at every facet of the game, and players such as Noah and Tyrus Thomas aren't getting nearly enough playing time, then look no further. They know of the illogical nature of what they are doing, and yet they deliberately do it. The reasoning is thus: if they flog this dead horse enough so that they can get his rebounding average above or near 10 a game, along with his 2 assists, steals and blocks a game, then someone might - just might - trade for the bastard if the Bulls set the bar low enough. And if you think that's silly, then bear in mind that John Paxson's record when it comes to trading players when their value is at their lowest ebb is rather unspectacular.

- Luol Deng shoots a technical foul shot, which must be a first. Meet the Chicago Bulls guards, everybody. For a "jumpshooting team", we sure as shit can't shoot. Deng misses it.

- Thabo penetrates the lane and drops the ball off to Wallace, who finishes with a dunk over that same flying pig. This is noteworthy for two reasons:

1) Thabo isn't awful tonight.
2) Ben Wallace dunked the ball.

Both rare but special things.

- Amazingly, the Bulls have cut it back to a two point game, as Orlando misses a few shots. With their final possession of the half, Chicago runs their insatiable Duhon/Wallace pick and roll. Amazingly, it doesn't work. A turnover and a three pointer later, the Bulls are down 5 at the half.

- The half time show brings us focus on, surprise surprise, Luol Deng. They have a feature in which he talks about a series of slide related to things in his life. These include Big Ben (the clock, not Wallace), his passport photo, Charlie Villanueva, Dikembe Mutombo, a Phoenix Suns cap and Manute Bol, whose legs dumbfound me with their length. This feature was not interesting, but I watched it all in case it was. In doing this, I had to once again sacrifice going for a piss. That's dedication, folks.

- Ajou Deng gets to talk a lot at half time, and cements his status as the least enticing TV personality ever. He does mention at one point, though, that he and Luol have another basketball playing brohter called Deng Deng. Maybe I misheard his dulcit tones, but I swear he said that. Meanwhile, Luol waxes lyrical about Wakeem, the team cancer. (Sarcasm).

- Orlando blows the game open again to start the second half, despite Jameer Nelson running two fast breaks so badly that he ought to be made an honorary Chicago Bull. Both times, he dribbled into the path of his wing man, and had to pull the ball back out. Still, Orlando hits their shots, and Chicago can't get theirs off.

- It's depressing to watch how little Ben Wallace gives a shit.

- Chicago has two point sint he first 4 minutes of the third quarter, including one beautfiful possession that featured a two man game between Wallace and Duhon, in which Wallace caught the ball in the low post with 15 seconds on the clock, and spun around looking for help for every last one of them. Good times.

Orlando trots down, and hits their open outside shots from a penetrate-and-kick game.

The game is blown open to a 73-54 affair from a 57-52 game at half time.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, that'll do it. I can't be bothered with the rest.





Ladies and gentleman, meet your Chicago Bulls. They're exactly the same outfit as last year, except they're more talented, and massively inferior.

Successful Chicago Bulls teams of the Scott Skiles era were personified by energy and defense. Both have vanished from the current Bulls. No one takes charges. Players don't fight for the rebound like they once did. Their simple playbook used to be reasonably effective when it was executed with a certain sharpness and crispness. But this crispness has disappeared. Players flit about, and the Bulls haven't the athletic talent to get away with that.

The problem does not necessarily lie with the Bulls player personel. They have a flawed roster, with not enough pure shotmaking talent and poor size. But they've always had this, and yet have proven that they can be successful anyway. The probkem stems from what these previously successful players have started not doing that has gotten them away from what they do best.

Instead of incremental improvements from the core, everyone except Tyrus Thomas has gone backwards. And even he hasn't done that much to get better except for adding a reasonable jumpshot. Ben Gordon's doing much better as of late after being benched, but his mind wasn't in it to begin the season, and he reverted to his stand-on-the-wing self of his first two seasons. Luol Deng, affected by nagging injuries, still fatigues too easily and goes for long stretches without touching the ball on offense. Chris Duhon is back to the standard of his sophomore season after a bad campaign last season, but he suffers from just not being that good. Ben Wallace's demise has gone from slow to debilitating. Andres Nocioni is chucking more than ever before, including even his rookie season, and his defense continues to get worse as he leaves several dozen open shooters a game. And Kirk Hinrich's offseason decision to bulk up seems to have resulted in a jarring loss of foot speed and the absence of any consistency in his jumpshot.

The Bulls guards never could finish around the rim. Their big men never could consistently do so either. The team was never tall, and never very athletic. But they used to win anyway. The defense would carry them. Even when they went through massive offensive droughts, they'd put you into one too, by taking many charges, deflecting the ball at all times, and just generally pissing you off. But the charge taking has gone. The deflections are way down. And the offense is worse, despite the too-massive-to-explain difference in offensive talent between the respective trios of Joe Smith, Aaron Gray and Joakim Noah over P.J. Brown, Michael Sweetney and Malik Allen.

So, what's wrong with the Bulls? Something. I don't know what to suggest.

But scapegoating the coach didn't work.

Game of the week 3: Sonics vs Heat

Week two's game recap came only yesterday, so this post isn't exactly coinciding with my self imposed time restrictions. But then again, this is from the man who undertook the 30 teams in 36 days challenge and who then did 17 in about 60. My work ethic is......tetchy.

Why have I chosen to watch this game out of all the ones on a loaded schedule tonight, given that the two teams are 1-6 and 0-8 respectively? Four reasons.

1) I haven't watched Kevin Durant yet.
2) I hate Miami because their fans forced me into it, and I want to watch them lose.
3) It started early, so I could theoretically watch a second game afterwards too.
4) I was going to watch Jazz vs Raptors instead but missed the first 6 minutes because I was yacking.

However, within seconds of turning on the transmission, I have realised what a mistake I have made. Tonight marks the first game of the season for Dwyane Wade after recovering from surgery. I would have known this in advance had I looked it up, but I never look at game previews, injury reports, or anything like that. It's not interesting to me and so I don't bother. However, tonight, I definitely should have done. I dislike Wade because like me, he is a desperate attention seeking arse, and because the world of the NBA conspires to make everything revolve around him when he is around, which makes me sick. The same applied to that All Star Game of 2003, Michael Jordan's last, in which everything was tailored to His Smugness's every whim and desire. The half time ceremony was all about him, as were all the pregame and post game ceremonies. There were documentaries made solely about him, everyone cared way too much about his every shot, and there was the whole "guilt trip Vince Carter into unfairly relinquishing his starting spot" thing, for which Vince should have been far more livid than he showed. Never mind the fact that Jordan didn't deserve to be there and played like cock in the game itself, let's have one big massive fellatio special on the guy! IT'S MICHAEL JORDAN! RETIRING! AGAIN! Let's say goodbye again, for he'll never show his face in the NBA world again!

Tosser.

(Yeah I'm a Chicago fan, and I don't like Jordan. Read nothing into that if I were you.)

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes. Wade. Dislike. Et cetera. Let's get on with the game before I kick off again.



- Penny Hardaway and Kurt Thomas are both starting in this game, which is fun. I can't add to that at this moment.

- After Shaquille O'Neal commits a violation on the opening tip, Seattle wins possession, and looks extremely awkward on their first halfcourt set, with lots of standing around and not much happening. Kurt Thomas winds up taking their first two shots of the game, both misses. Colour commentator Tony Fiorentino remarks upon how Thomas is "in the game for his defense". No shit Sherlock.

- Earl Watson, in a stat you wouldn't have guessed unless you looked it up/got told it by a person you know rather well, is averaging 7 assists per game in this young season for the high scoring Sonics as the usual starting point guard. It doesn't take long to see why - the Sonics are pushing the ball at every possibile opprtunity, to great effect. Given how awkward their half court looked, it's worth it. Pushing the ball early and often gets Seattle out to an 8-0 lead with only 2 minutes and 13 seconds gone, as Durant and Chris Wilcox both gets dunks from Watson feeds. Miami calls timeout to lamest their woes.

- Commentator Eric Reed tells us all that Miam has been having trouble "shooting the ball" on this young season, scoring less than 80 points in both of their last two games. Heathens! How can a team that plays Smush Parker, Dwyane Wade and Penny Hardaway in a four guard rotation possibly have outside shooting problems! By the way, I predicted this would happen in my Heat post last month. Then again, I think everyone predicted it. But I'll claim it anyway.

- Shaquille O'Neal has picked up two fouls during that 8-0 run, and has to sit. The commentators lament it as something unexpected, or in some way gamechanging. Colour me unsurprised that a high tempo young and athletic team found a way to expose Shaq's weaknesses. Still, only $60 million left.

- Alonzo Mourning comes into the game, and instantly looks useful, but unusually on the offensive end. He drops a hook shot for the Heat's first points of the game, and makes a nice pass to Udonis Haslem for their second. In between those two scores, Seattle's starting shooting guard Damien Wilkins takes a three pointer incredibly early in the shot clock, and makes it. More on him to come.

- Looking at this energetic Sonic team, where everyone crashes the glass and pushes the ball looking for opportunity baskets, don't you wish that the Jason Williams of old was on that team? That would be awesome. It's a shame that we have to see Jason Williams as what he is now - a tame, uninspiring offensive player with mediocre defense, who is used primarily as a spot up shooter and whose knees don't work like they used to. Maybe, if he was taken from having to play so much half court offense and allowed to roam a bit freer, he could have a career second wind. I hope so. He wasn't always effective back in the day, but he sure was fun. And his assist to turnover ratios were epic in Memphis, so it's not like he was completely unconscious. Not always, anyway.

- Wilkins takes another way too quick contested three, and again makes it. Seattle leads 14-4 with 8.08 left in the first quarter. Damien Wilkins made the Sonics roster by being an athletic, hustling defensive player, who drove to the rim and crashed the glass. It's playing like that which got Minnesota to give him a lengthy 5 year contract (as Kevin McHale is wont to do), that Seattle later matched. Since then, however, Wilkins is convinced himself that he's Jesus, or at the very least Ray Allen. And it's not a bad comparison - if Ray Allen had no basketball IQ and a bad jumpshot, he would indeed be a bit like Damien Wilkins.

- The Heat's sideline reporter is a man called Jason Jackson. This is annoying. It's not a slant on Jason Jackson himself, as he does a professional and eloquent job down there. But the problem is this: the role of the sideline reporter is one of the few instances of unabashed male chauvinism allowed in the world today. The commentators are always men in suits, and the sideline reporters are always beautiful women (or, if beautiful women aren't obtainable, then "glamorous" women are used instead, with 'glamorous' meaning ugly women who doll themselves up to try and get beautiful). That's just how it works. That's the way it always should work. And I'm all for that. It's this ideal that makes us suffer through Tim McCarver to get to Erin Andrews, and yet be totally comfortable with that. It's a winning formula that should never be changed. Sun Sports are letting the side down here with this blatant capitulation to feminism. What's next, women in the commentary booth? I won't hear of it. I won't, I tell you. They'll be PLAYING basketball next!

- Alonzo Mourning makes another hook shot. It's like it's 1999 all over again, except nowadays the prospect of having Shaq, Penny and Zo on the same team is considerably less tantalising.

- Still early in the first quarter, and Chris Wilcox just grabbed his one millionth rebound. Seattle is putting forward a far superior effort on the glass, and their athleticism from everybody other than Kurt Thomas is also paying dividends. Thomas himself already has 6 in 5 minutes.

- Damien Wilkins runs a give-and-go with Wilcox resulting in an and-1 layup for Wilkins. Wow on two counts. First wow - how did Miami let them have it that easily? Second wow - when did Damien Wilkins get into the fundamentals business?

- I've decided to style myself after P.J. Carlesimo. I'm halfway there. I just need some Just For Men grey, a couple of shitty jumpers, and some glasses. And to really thicken out the beard a bit.

- A Miami possession sees Jason Williams narrowly get the better of himself, turn down the world's silliest shot (but only after leaving his feet in readiness for taking it), swing the ball around, and Alonzo Mourning get an and-1 off a putback. For a minute there, I thought we were going to see The Artist Formerly Known As White Chocolate have a bit of a redux. Shame. I liked him more back then.

- Tony Fiorentino points out that Penny Hardaway is among the league laders in assist/turnover ratio up until this point. Good. That justifies having the worst starter in the NBA, then. Never mind his status as an offensive liability.

- At this moment, Dwyane Wade heads to the scorers table to check in, in one of those largely ridiculous "bring the superstar off the bench when returning from an injury layoff to allow the crowd 30 seconds of disillusionment from the rest of the game" scenarios that old timers still seem to employ. Sure enough, while stuff continues to happen, you'd be easily fooled into thinking that it didn't. The camera cuts away to a picture of Wade sitting by the scorers while the game continues to be played, missing both a Heat missed shot and a Kurt Thomas make. The crowd seemingly missed this too, for they cheered throughout. At the next stoppage in play moments after Thomas's make, Wade enters, and everybody woops like twats for about a minute. Eric Reed treats the occasion like it's important, saying "And here comes Dwyane Wade!", then shutting up for 30 seconds as the crowd responds far less enthusiastically than he expected (either that or someone wisely turned the mics down). It's a really annoying scene that could have (and should have) been avoided, but wasn't, because of the NBA's overbearing tendency to focus on the superstar over the sport.

If you don't think such a tendency exists in American sport, watch only the start of a Sunday Night Baseball game. Make it Yankees at home vs whoever. At the middle of the third, the commentator will say something along the lines of "no score, bottom of the first coming up, A-Rod coming in to hit", or some clichéd old bollocks like that. Then go and watch a Tampa Bay game or something, and watch as they instead say "the Rays coming in to hit". It's not because Tampa doesn't have hitting stars, but because the local broadcasts choose not to focus on them as individuals. And that's how it SHOULD be.

But it isn't. And that is profoundly stupid. NBA advert breaks sicken me for the same reason, even that one which publicises the slogan "We Not Me". There's a reason they have superstars in that advert, not the Ryan Bowen types of this world. Tossers. Anyway, back to the game.


- The above situation is only salvaged when Reed, returning from his self imposed silence, utters the unintentionally funny line "Jeff Green also checks in". Heh. Good times. Case in point.

- Speaking of the commentary team tonight, play by play commentator Reed repeatedly calls his co-commentator Fiorentino by the affectionate pet name "Coach". In almost all instances, whenever a lead announcer has a former coach alongside them, they sue that term. And it's ridiculous. That person is NOT a coach. They just used to be. They still would be if they were good enough at it. And a lot of them (Fiorentino included) have no more coaching insight than we do. Do they use this pet name to make them feel special? It certainly doesn't help us viewers in any way. It's particularly stupid in the case of Tony Fiorentino, whose coaching experiences came at the high school and WNBA levels. Jesus. If ever a man didn't deserve a moniker, it is Tony right there. Second only to "Starbury".

- Wow, Ricky Davis shaved his beard back. I never thought I'd say this, but he actually looks far worse without it.

- Wally Szczerbiak and Nick Collison also entered the game alongside Wade and Blount, which Reed completely forgot to mention because he was so preoccupied with being a div. I'm a fan of both of these players (of course I am, they're white), so their addition is a good thing. I worry, though, that Wally Szczerbiak is going to have to defend Dwyane Wade. That would be bad. Then again, how is Wade going to defend Wally? It's a chicken and egg situation. Sorta.

- On a Seattle possession, Reed randomly shouts "D-Wade's in the game, gang!". Bad times on so many levels. Jason Williams hits a quick three pointer to rouse my spirits.

- Good God I'm hungry. I think I need to be more professional in my approach to these things when doing them live, and bring food with me.

- Actually, scrap the plans for modelling myself after P.J. Carlesimo, for I've just noticed the size of his bald spot. That's not good.

- Wade shoots a fallaway 20 footer, and as it's in the air, Reed excitedly shouts "Wade's 1st shot!!!!", only to return to a normal octave at the shot clanks away. It's another truly pointless gesture - it's only one shot. He was obviously going to shoot again. Why's that one particular shot any more important? Especially since he missed?

- Seattle is grabbing every single rebound in this game, or so it appears. They're so dominant on the boards that they even grab some of them twice as green jerseys swarm to the ball. Cool looking jerseys, by the way. They always have had cool ones.

- OK, Eric Reed's voice is annoying me now. He, Iain Eagle and Michael Reghi should make torture tapes. Maybe get Tom Dore to DJ.

- The score is 30-25 after one quarter in Seattle's favour, and I know what you're all thinking - yes, we're 2500 words through and still only at the end of the first quarter. Don't worry, it gets less wordy. As the Sun Sports broadcast cuts to commericals, Reed signs off the quarter by mentioning Dwyane Wade's return for the eightieth time, and his stat line of 5 minutes played and 2 free throws made, but at no point does he mention the actual game score. Still, his priorities all seem to be in order.

- I missed the first 37 seconds of the second quarter, as I was demolishing a bowl of breakfast cereal. My professionalism knows no bounds. Incidentally, endeavour to use the word "demolishing" as much as possible in your evey day vocabulary, especially when it is completely inappropriate.

- Mark Blount, standing under the rim for a change, is the recipient of a crisp pass directly into his hands for an easy 2 points. Unfortunately, Blount drops it out of bounds, which is something of a staple of his game. Maybe this is the reason why he is slowly (and strangely) turning into a three point specialist.

- Seattle are taking a shit load of shots in this game. They're not a great outside shooting team, yet they're taking a fair number of outside shots. They also aren't getting to the free throw line, and are demolishing the Heat on the offensive glass. Miami also keep throwing turnovers their way. It all looks a bit easy,

- Wade makes his first basket of the game. In case you didn't know this, Reed shouts "HIS FIRST BASKET!" just so that you're sure. I wonder if a similar thing happened when Hardaway made his first basket of the season. His layoff was for far longer, and his downfall that much more spectacular. But somehow I doubt it.

- Penny Hardaway is guarding Wally Szczerbiak on the perimeter. Szczerbiak drives past him for a layup. That's all you need to know about the Heat having Penny start at the shooting guard position - he's the only guy, alive or dead, that Wally Szczerbiak can drive past.

- Jason Williams throws Wade an alley-oop pass, which Wade drops. It falls to Mark Blount, again located underneath the rim (twice in one game? It's a statistical anomaly). Blount this time catches it, and finishes. Fiorentino remarks "did D-Wade tap it to Blount on purpose?". No Tony, he did not, but well done on finding a way to make it look like Wade did something good. That hadn't been done for at least 8 seconds.

- Hardaway is now guarding Kevin Durant out by the three point line. Durant backs down from the challenge, settling for a contested 22 footer, which he misses. Hmmmm. Maybe Szczerbiak is just THAT quick, and THAT deceptive, that it is he who made Penny look bad, and not natural causes.

- On a fast break, Delonte West makes his first but not only impact on the game by faking out the entire team under the basket before dishing to Durant for the most uncontested of uncontested dunks. Durant is now 2-8, with the two makes being dunks on breaks. Not wowing me too much so far. Immediately after this, Delonte makes a remorseless three pointer, and shows himself to be all balls. It's hard to say that the 7-0 Boston Celtics need anything at this point, but if they do, then that thing is most definitely Delonte West.

- The West three results in an officials timeout for some reason, with Seattle leading 39-32. During this timeout, all the Heat commentary team can talk about is Dwyane Wade and what he has done tonight, rather than the score itself or the game as a whole. This must be what 1 and 6 teams do. They also show a graphic advertising Heat tickets for sale in a variety of stupid ways - you can buy the "Dwyane Wade All-Star Plan", the "Shaq Weekend Pack", the "Zo Holiday Plan", or the "Riley Season Tickets". Not sure what the point of the player name attatchments were, but since you're offering, how much for a Penny Hardaway Our-Time-Has-Long-Since-Passed Ticket Bonanza?

- "If you're just joining us, D-Wade is back". Yeah, you'd said. Thanks Eric.

- O'Neal re-enters the game and immediately turns the ball over. The demise of Shaquille is something I may choose to rant about one day, but here's a thought - why do (or did) people talk about what Wade is like without Shaq? Have we not all seen how mediocre Shaq is without Wade's lobs? Who's carrying who?

- Seattle continues to outwork Miami, and Collison gets a dunk off of yet another Sonics offensive rebound. They lead 43-32 at this point, when Riley decides to take Wade out of the game. Great idea. You don't need him, anyway. You're doing sooooo well without him.

- Damien Wilkins takes another bad shot, and this time doesn't make it. But Wilcox gets another offensive rebound and puts it back. He now has 10 points, Seattle has a 13 point lead, and suddenly I've lapsed into overly detailed play by play. Sorry about that.

- A montage shows David Stern announcing Seattle's draft selections of Shawn Kemp, Gary Payton and Kevin Durant. Not sure what analogy Sun Sports was trying to draw there.

- On a high pick and roll between Delonte West and Nick Collison, Shaq comes out to defend, and hits West hard on a reach-in. It almost looked deliberate. It really did. He sits once again, now with 3 fouls, still 0 points, and sitll a complete and utter liability on the pick and roll.

- Tony Fiorentino declares Mourning the best backup center in the league. Well, he isn't, and let's leave it at that.

- Penny Hardaway makes a runner in the lane. Wahey! That was fun. Penny doesn't score again, by the way.

- Wilcox goes up strong on Zo and dunks on him. Well, more accurately, he dunks around him. But Zo challenged the shot and lost, which is hard to do, so well done Chris.

- Delonte West is awesome. That is all.

- Seattle now leads by 16, causing Eric Reed to say "the only bright spot here is that it is only the second quarter". The assumed interpretation is that he's saying Miami has time to come back, but he could also be saying that because it's only the second they're down 16, and that if it was the fourth they might be down 30 already. Who knows?

- Nick Collison hits a hook shot, Seattle goes up by 18, and that Wade substitution looks that much weirder. They must just be doing one of those extremely inflexible minute limiting things. As if 5 minutes here or there changes the long term future of his injury in any way. It's like rigidly capping a pitcher at 100 pitches when they're pitching their bollocks off. Needless.

- Pat Riley calls timeout, and draws up a play. But there isn't a play to overcome the serious lack of talent that the Heat have out on the floor. They've become the one man team that they never should have been.

- A strange couple of possessions follow. Out of the timeout, the Heat run a play giving Udonis Haslem a baseline jumpshot, which he misses. Seattle grabs the rebound (obviously), Delonte West collapses the defense and kicks it out to Damien Wilkins, who hits his third three of the game. Going back the other way, Haslem makes a hook shot, and P.J. Carlesimo calls a strangely quick timeout with his team on a big run. Maybe he just got bored watching and wanted to get some air time.

- As a child, me and my school friends quickly learned of the wonders of the suffix "-aroony". When attatched to words, it made them that much more enjoyable, and when combined with good comic timing it would provide a hearty laugh every now and then. It could also be a good way to deliver bad news: for example, "Mr Johnson, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your wife's deadaroony". That sort of thing. It delivers the message you need it to convey, yet also softens the impact, and hints at future prosperity to come. It's a true wonder of our language.

So imagine how happy I was to see an advert for a car retailer called "Maroone" (pronounced Maroony). I was very happy indeed. If you owned a car from Maroone, you could then double up and go for the rare "Double Roon", only previously seen on England football star Wayne Rooneyaroony.

These are the things that I think about.


- Miami has 4 points in the 6 minutes played of the second quarter. After the timeout, Alonzo Mourning gets called for three seconds, which isn't helping. Nick Collison calls his bid of a three seconds with a travel, and the camera pans to Collison, who seems to have strangely clean shoulders. I say "strangely", because history tells us that Nick Collison has incredibly freckly shoulders. So for them to be so sparkling clean and white is an unexpected sight.

- Jason Williams takes a confident three pointer, and makes it. Quick. Feed the hot hand. Give him the ball.

- They do. He shoots another. He misses.

- Reed barrages us with stats - Seattle has 11 offensive rebounds already, and Kevin Durant is shooting 2 for 11 thus far, with the 2 both being dunks. On cue, Durant hits a three pointer to up his shooting to a gastranomic 3-12. And yes I realise what I just said.

- Chris Quinn is shown on the bench after he was deactivated for Wade before the game. Chris Quinn looks about 14. That's all I have to say about Chris Quinn.

- I miss Robert Swift. I wish he was playing today, but sadly it's not to be. When the moment comes that Seattle has to deal one of their young bigs, I want it to be Swift, and I want Chicago to get him. Every team could use Robert Swift. I'm not overstating this at all.

- Kurt Thomas now has 9 rebounds in the first half, and after grabbing one of them, Alonzo Mourning pushes him out of bounds, gets called for the foul, and gets T'd up for punching the air near the ref and shouting something. It is a moment made stupid by just how much effort the referee puts into the hand gesture when calling the technical, as if anybody in the world cared about how much his top wrist bet on the pull back. I hate poser referees. This therefore means that I hate all referees. But not WWE ones, for they are the pinnacle of unintentional comedy.

- Seattle grabs yet another offensive rebound with 4 seconds left in the half, putting Chris Wilcox at the line for two shots, which he makes. This gives Seattle a 61-41 half time lead, closing out with a 25-9 run, and they may have had the most field goal attempts in a 60 point half of any team in the last 50 years. The score is as one sided as the game felt to watch.

- As you would expect, the half time shows are full of stuff about Wade being Jesus (although he himself claims at one stage "I'm not the Messiah". How modest!). Jason Jackson is in the studio now alongside Ira Winderman, which makes me that much more angry about thee not being a hot female sideline reporter for this broadcast. Winderman and Jackson do a rather good feature called The Hot Button, in which they talk about topical NBA issues for about 48 seconds. In it, Winderman talks about how the Lakers, if they don't trade Kobe Bryant, are committed to mediocrity for the foreseeable future, since he is all that they have. Would he use the same logic on his own Miami Heat, I wonder? He also says "don't blame Isiah" for the latest Marbury related Knicks turmoil, overlooking that it is Isiah who brought Marbury in and suckled him like a small otter up until now. So that was interesting.

- What wasn't interesting, though, was the interview montage with Heat players other than Wade about the impact that his return is going to have on the team. You don't need me to give you quotes because it's not too hard to imagine quite what clichéd bollocks they came out with. This is the NBA, after all. But we did get to hear Penny Hardaway call the Miami team "scary", which seemed overzealous. And we also got a close up of just how long Chris Quinn's eyebrows are. They're very long, for those wanting to know.

- Upon returning from the studio, someone has prepared a treat for us - a Wade highlight montage of every single play on which he has been involved so far. In case this wasn't enough of a Wade filler, they've also drawn up a shot chart of every shot he has taken so far, which is rather anti-climactic given that he has only taken 3. They also show some clips of him removing his warm-ups, which was entirely necessary and don't let anybody tell you otherwise. Only after a full minute of this does Eric Reed say "however......" and then announce the score. Play then commences, as a mild intrusion on The Wade Manlove Hour.

- Oooh, Shaq scored!

- After being stripped and losing the ball out of bounds but maintaining possession, Kevin Durant shouts "FUCK!". The baseline ref gives him a telling off before play recommences. That was fun. Should happen more often.

- Chris Wilcox has put up a fine statline tonight, and all he has to do is get out and run, work harder than Shaq on the boards, and make the open baseline looks that the Seattle guards are getting him. He's done this well, of course, but Miami is making it so easy for him.

- Ricky Davis is at the free throw line, and Reed tells us that he has shot 8 free throw totals in the first 7 games. Mark Blount has topped that, by shooting 0. Worth a mention.

- Hardaway shoots and misses a pull up, and O'Neal airs (airs!) for the offensive rebound, earning two free throws. He did actually air, too. Wow. That was surprising.

- Durant makes a three out of the corner, and is now up to 4-13 shooting. Shaq then throws it away, but Ricky Davis steals it right back, and Hardaway finds O'Neal for a dunk. Fiorentino chooses to mention that Hardaway now has 3 asissts to 0 turnovers, and seems very happy about that. As well he should. Don't you know that Penny is amongst the league leaders in this category?

- Davis misses a pull up with no one in offensive rebounding position, showing why he has that embarassing free throw stat that he does (he shoots more FT's tonight than in the entire season to date, 9 to 8). Durant misses a three on the other end, and Hardaway grabs the rebound. Tony Fiorentino excitedly points out that this is Hardaway's first rebound. He's now rocking the 2-1-3 statline that dreams and rap trios are made of, and truly justifying his starting presence.

- Damien Wilkins continues his "no no no yes" game by making a double clutch banker from about 20 feet (With the shot clock winding down, admittedly). The play results in Pat Riley getting a technical, which is understandable. I'd be annoyed to the point of swearing too. Wilkins then misses the technical free throw to take the piss. Maybe.

- Williams makes a three pointer, which is basically the only shot he takes these days (well, ever). He then steals the ball and then makes a very un-JWill like play as he throws a bad alleyoop pass behind Ricky Davis. He then makes another very un-JWill like play when he grabs the offensive rebound, but Davis misses again. Strange sequence. Worrying sequence.

- For years, teams have been wondering how you defend Shaquille O'Neal. The answer these days is pretty obvious - make him defend you. He can't.

- Smush Parker, blissfully, hasn't taken a shot until now. It's a mid range baseline jumpshot. It is an airball. It's good to see that a team featuring Parker and Hardaway as projected backup guards isn't having outside shooting problems or general mediocrity or anything.

- Kevin Durant shoots a three from straight away and makes it. Reed, annoyingly and bizarrely, says "that's soap on a rope, coach". I do not know why. I can only think that maybe he had the baseball phrase of "frozen rope" in his mind, for it was a pretty flat shot, and confused himself slightly. But in doing so, he confused us all.

- Johan Petro enters the game for the first time and has 2 turnovers in 45 seconds, on a 24 second violation that wasn't his fault and a travel that was. Like I said, give me Robert Swift. But screw it, I'd take Petro too. And Collison. And Wilcox. And Durant, obviously. But not Sene. You can keep Sene.

- Damien Wilkins hits an extremely tough hanging free throw line jumpshot. He and Durant appear to have swapped skillsets for the evening. Seattle leads 77-58 with three minutes left in the third quarter, as the home crowd starting booing (not boozing).

- Wade hits a circus highlight reel and-1 on a ridiculously generous continuation call. The crowd stops booing (not boozing) and erupt into passionate cheers. Good to see that their priorities are in order, too. On a replay of the shot, Tony Fiorentino observes that Wade "shot it from behind the backboard, and kissed it off the glass". I wonder if he realised what he just said. I doubt it.

- As Seattle struggles to bring the ball up against a press, Wally Szczerbiak of all people breaks it, and hands to Delonte West, who goes to the rim and is fouled by Wade. West's off arm inadvertently hit Wade softly in the nose. Wade runs the full length of the court, pretending to check nis hose for blood. The camera, crowd and commentators follow him everywhere. This is the kind of sequence that makes me dislike Dwyane Wade. You hit West in the face too, Dwyane. But he's not being a great big giant attention seeker about it. Delonte West doesn't need to seek attention. He garners it naturally because he's great. That's the approach you should take.

- With Smush Parker in the game, Dwyane Wade is running the point. So the backup point guard seems to be a designated shooter. A curious decision given that the shooter concerned is Smush Parker. He sure as shit ain't in for his defense. Remind me again what Smush is good at, please.

- Miami is making a run into Seattle's lead after picking up their defensive intensity about tenfold. They cut it to a 78-65 game on two free throws by Mourning, the closest it has been since midway through the second quarter. However, Zo then turns it over, and Kevin Durant answers the run with an insanely difficult left handed finish on the fast break, getting twatted in the process but not getting the call. Without wanting to be unoriginal, I'm saying that Wade would have gotten that call. Outlandish to say, I know.

- Damien Wilkins brings the ball up against a press, dribbles to the timeline, gets stuck in a double team, and throws it away, but he is bailed out by a foul call. It's good to see that in spite of his Ray Allen impression tonight, the thick as pig shit Wilkins that we know and loathe is still in there somewhere.

- A Haslem free throw cuts it to a 12 point game, and for as much as I've ripped him, Dwyane Wade's presence has transformed the Heat tonight. They don't have an identity without him, just flitting around awkwardly hoping their veternness and poor half court offense will get them through. But with him, they press on defense and run a lot more, resulting in a much improved team. He's been something of a run starter tonight.

- Right on cue, Wade kills the momentum. After Haslem forces a jump ball and wins it, the Heat have the final possession of the third quarter. Wade holds the ball for most of the 24 second clock, and then shoots a 3 pointer with seconds left. He misses it, and instead of cutting it to 10 to end the quarter and carrying through the momentum, the place is deflated somewhat, and Seattle gets a reprieve. Not smart, really. He looked like LeBron when doing that.

- Smush Parker opens Miami's offense in the fourth quarter with another jumpshot, this time a three. Again, he shoots an airball. And again, I ask you to remind me quite what it is that Smush Parker is supposed to be able to do. On a team that could use a good defensive player and shot maker alongside Wade, they go out and sign Smush Parker? Crazy days.

- Seattle capitalises by scoring 6 points in the first 60 seconds of the fourth quarter, blowing it open to an 18 point game again. They're also finally playing a zone defense after strangely shying away from it up until now, given how badly Miami has shot from the outside both tonight and all season long. Miami is 3-13 on three pointers, with all three makes coming from Jason Williams. The New Look Mark Blount at this point is arguably their second best three point shooter behind Davis. The Het as a team are 23% on the year from three point range coming in, and the 3-13 performance hasn't helped that.

- Straight away after going zone, Williams gets an open look at a three that he misses. And you can be pretty confident that Miami is rueing having an extra shooter to turn to at this point, especially after having deactivated Quinn.

- There is one shooter that they haven't gone to yet, however. And now they choose to do so, as Daequan Cook mercifully comes in for Smush Parker. You kinda the get the feeling that, with Riley's boner for rookie hazing, Smush is going to get in first in the next game no matter how Cook performs, which is stupid. But that's the old fashioned way. So Daequan, with the pressure off, you may as well just enjoy yourself.

- Oh by the way, Miami is also last in the NBA in free throws attempted per game. But you get the feeling that that will soon change. And it won't be Mark Blount that's doing it.

- Szczerbiak makes a long two, and the lead is now 21 again. Cook shoots a three, but misses it. Unlike Smush Parker, though, he hits the rim. So there's clear seperation between the two there.

- Reed finally gives us the stat that I wanted to hear but couldn't be arsed to get up and find out - Seattle has a 46-28 rebounding edge. I'm surprised at how close it is.

- Shaq fouls Collison, and now has 4 fouls in 12 minutes alongside 3 rebounds. Collison hits both, extending it to a 23 point game. Pat Riley calls a timeout, and another Maroone advert plays, this time with Dan Marino doing an introductory segment, and the Ghostbusters theme music playing in the background. Good God. What a holy trinity that was. I'd watch an hour of that, and no messing.

- Coming back from the commericals, Sun Sports (to their credit) run stats highlighting the Heat's offensive woes both tonight and all season, and also run stats on what the Heat lost when Jason Kapono and Eddie Jones left. So +1 to them for telling the ugly truth for a while. Most importantly, the whole little section didn't mention Dwyane Wade even once! Unprecedented.

- Daequan Cook hits a three pointer against the zone. Finally.

- Running down the court, Nick Collison picks the ball up after an unsuccessful pump fake and, with nowhere to go, tries a self alleyoop off the backboard. The results were amusingly unsucessful.

- Mark Blount then hits a three against the zone, and Cook makes a layup off of a turnover. That quick 8-0 run has it down to a 13 point game, and Eric Reed gets excited. He starts a speech with the phrase "if the Heat win", briefly choosing to ignore the big deficit and dwindling game clock (6 minutes left) because he's too excited about the Heta being able to make two outside shots in the same quarter of play. Which is fair enough, I guess.

- The Heat actually have more opportunities to cut into the lead, as Seattle's defense continues to flounder. But Williams and Cook both miss open three pointers, and Seattle makes a couple of baskets - one off a great pass by Nick Collison which really pissed off Reed - to stretch it back to 18, and essentially end the game.

- Delonte West turns down a three pointer from the left corner, and thus is forced to drive right. He's not happy about it, and goes slowly. Eventually, after dribbling across the free throw lines to the right side, he has to put up a shot clock beater, and airballs a fallaway, contorting his body awkwardly just so that he could use his left hand again. Didn't seem worth it. Maybe work on this aspect of your game.

- Miami hasn't quit yet, and a pass from Wade to Williams for a three pointer cuts it to an 11 point game. Williams, buoyed by thsi, finally does something Jason Williams-like: after Damien Wilkins dribbless of his foot in a Damien Wilkins-esque way for the second time tonight, on the Heat's next possession, Williams turns down an open 18 footer to hit a cutting Davis along the baseline, which he turns into a three point play. That is Williams's only assist of the night, but at least he didn't make a turnover, so he's slowly catching Penny. 8 point game.

- Delonte West answers this with a three and proves, once again, that he is ALL BALLS. (And herpes).

- This game isn't tense any more. It never was, really. Seattle has been assured of the win since prior to tip off, and have never really given us a reason waver in that belief. They're just better, and it shows tonight if not in their season records. However, if there WAS tension, Eric Reed would have just diffused it. During a timeout with very little time left to play, Sun Sports ran an advert for an upcoming concert entitled "An Evening With Barry Manilow", Reed voiced the piece with something that was either genuine enthusiasm or extremely convincing sarcasm. I'm not sure which it was, but it was a very heartwarming moment.

- After the timeout, Miami runs a play to get Ricky Davis an open three pointer, which he misses. After making a couple, Miami doesn't now seem to be able to stop shooting the threes, and the 4-16 Davis doesn't seem to be able to resist it either. Wilcox dunks on the ensuing fast break, and then Mark Blount throws the ball away. It's a 13 point game and Seattle ball with 3.30 left to play. The game, while essentially over, is still technically winnable, but Pat Riley chooses this moment to sub out Dwyane Wade, presumably because he reached his full allotted 25 minutes. Kinda highlights the pointlessness of such a system, really.

- The following things happen towards the end of the game - Miami continues to hoist three to little effect, Damien Wilkins hits a 22 foot fallaway to take the piss a bit, Jeff Green airballs a 6 foot jumpshot shooting it only about 3 feet, and Smush Parker subs back in. The final one of those is the ultimate act of futility, and Miami goes on to lose 104-95.

- Eric Reed signs off the broadcast by saying "it's hard to imagine how it can get much lower for Miami". Well, wait until they lose to Boston and New Jersey this weekend. Then we'll see.

Game of the week number 2: Grizzlies vs Blazers

Bit late, but, whatever. I was busy. The game took place many days ago now, but dammit, I had taken all the notes and so I had to write them up, even if no one now cares. So here they are.


- It is partly a coincidence that I have the Blazers picked for the second straight week, but partly planned. This seemed like the most appetising game on the menu featuring two of my favourite teams, with youg talent oozing out of every orifice and the chance to get a fresh Casey Jacobsen fix. Win, lose or draw, I'm determined to enjoy myself. And given that I have mancrushes on about 20 of the players on show tonight, that should happen without me forcing it too much.

- Extremely early on, Mike Miller makes a sexy looking finger roll, and I'm happy. I think you should know that the excellence of Mike Miller is going to be a theme in this post, in spite of the fact that he played quite badly. Brian Cardinal will also feature heavily. Leave now if this offends you. By the way, my man crushes aren't exclusive to white people, as you will soon see.

- Damon Stoudamire is starting for the Grizzlies to begin this season, despite the two players behind him - Kyle Lowry and Mike Conley - being way better than him. It's an obvious showcase situation that just might work, for Damon looks to have a pep in his step that hasn't been seen since the day he put up 54 points and 0 rebounds as a Blazers. Hurtling towards 35, with 12 years of experience and some knee surgeries behind him, Damon looks to be catching a second wind of sorts. And that's a good thing. There will probably now be a trade made with him at the deadline. Quietly, I'm hoping that Boston is interested. It's not especially likely, but there's a chance that it could happen. And this might mean that Brian Cardinal and Brian Scalabrine wind up on the same team at the same time. Get excited, Memphis.

- Channing Frye, starting tonight for Portland, hits a 22 foot jumpshot. Two possessions later, he airballs a hookshot. I don't want to say Malik Allen, but he's headed that way, and it's depressing. He has so much more than that.

- In a high energy start to the game (which I was hoping for), there's a lot of coast to coastage going on. Martell Webster misses an easy fastbreak layup, the ball is down the other end of the court within about half a second, and Rudy Gay crushes home a dunk just like Webster should have done. This causes Blazers colour commentator Mike Rice to utter his first stupid comment of the day, remarking that Gay looked Pippen-like on that finish. Easy there, Mike. It was only an uncontested dunk.

- People have to stop calling Pau Gasol soft, you know. Half of his offensive possesions involve catching the ball at the elbow and clattering his way wildly towards the hoop, drawing fouls. That's not soft. It's ugly and a bit clumsy, but it's not soft. And it works. Let's disband the myth.

- Mike Rice calls Darko Milicic "Millisits", twice. More to follow.

- In what is currently a swishfest, Webster and Frye hit jumpshots as Portland takes a 9-6 lead, On another breakaway, Rudy Gay airballs a layup. Mike Rice doesn't mention Scottie Pippen this time.

- A few possessions later, Gay spins from the top, hangs in the air, hits the foul line jumpshot and draws a foul. Rice describes it as a "H.O.R.S.E. shot from the YMCA!". I only have one question - what actually IS a YMCA? I'm not very worldly, you see. I'm also highly influenced and seem to believe it's something to do with gay cowboys. Please help set me straight.

- Mike Rice just called Millisits "Darko". Good move. Probably best to put that whole surname thing to bed.

- I think I've found a reason why Memphis loses. They run very hard one way, and waddle the other. Yeah, that needs fixing.

- Portland head coach Nate McMillan is sporting a rakish if somewhat brave tie. Hats off to him. There's no need for the stoicism provided by most ties. Be daring. It's not a huge statement, but it's something.

- LaMarcus Aldridge blocks a Stoudamire layup attempt, caushing play by play commentator Mike Barrett to shout "don't bring that into LaMarcus Aldridge country". Unfortunately, he didn't say that, as he got distracted and tailed off towards the end, missing a syllable. You can guess which,

- Fresh from his Darko Millisits magic, Rice follows up by calling Gasol "Paul", which is something that I thought the whole NBA world had gotten over about 4 years ago. I sigh at this point.

- Marc Iavaroni has a hell of a forehead on him, it has to be said. He also has something of a profound neck going on there, and it's a good combination, even if it does make him look a bit like a librarian. Incidentally, speaking of awesome coaches foreheads, come join in the fun that is the "Draw things on Scott Skiles's forehead game. It's childish, but so am I.

- I love Mike Miller. But I don't think matching him up against Brandon Roy is going to be especially fair here. I hope I'm wrong.

- It's just occured to me that the arena in which Portland play is the Rose Garden, and that Lynn Anderson sung about such a thing all those years ago. So I've finally made the connection that the rest of the free world made about 25 years ago. Hooray!!

- Memphis is running a lot of post-up plays for Millisits, and three times already, Darko has gone left and made short hook shots. Why do so many post defenders let left handed players go left with ease? It made Othella Harrington's entire career, dammit. At some point you need to train yourself to know what's coming.

- Pau Gasol eats Aldridge alive on the defensive end, as LaMarcus doesn't challenge the shot in any way, but does manage to foul. For all of Aldridge's improved offense, this isn't the first time recently that his head isn't into it on defense. It's a shame because he's good at it. I hope he doesn't become like Rasheed Wallace. And the whole of Portland is probably hoping that too.

- In my notes, I have written down how Jarrett Jack has come into the game and gone straight to the shooting guard position with Brandon Roy running the point guard duties. However, in my rushed short hand, I've written only "Jack off", which needed to be shared. Thank God Rudy Gay's name wasn't in that note.

- This game is still fun. With three minutes lin the first, Memphis is leading 24-21. It's pretty fast stuff.

- Ghostface Przybilla checks into the game as McMillan tries to find a way of stopping Milicic and Gasol, who have scored freely inside. So that's now three of my favourite players of all time on the floor at once, with Miller, Gasol and Przybilla out there.

- Speaking of, in comes Casey Jacobsen. Awesome.

- Barrett reads out the stat that 22 of Memphis's first 26 points have come from in the paint, and you haven't needed to be watching very hard to believe him. Things have been rather pourous in there. Straight away after Przybilla enters the game, Mike Miller shoots a three and misses. Yeah, you're right to to be scared, Mike.

- Darko goes for another left handed hook, and misses qutie short on it. He was defended on the play by Joel Przybilla (obviously), whose strength and general brilliance made Darko take the shot from about 3 or 4 feet away from where he shot his earlier ones that he made. It's fair to say that Joel Przybilla is a game changer.

- Roy shoots a fadeaway, and misses, but the Blazers get the offensive rebound. I'll let you guess who did it. CLUE = It rhymes with Noel Przykilla.

- Does referee Jimmy Clark dye his hair or his eyebrows?


- Going up for a dunk, Przybilla gets partially blocked, and gets the ball wedged between the rim and the backboard. Strength, tenacity, persistence, ineptitude. The total Przybilla package, all yours for only $6 million a year. I want one.

- A three possession run sees Przybilla grab an offensive rebound, block a shot by Mike Conley, then grab another offensive rebound. I appreciate that the Przybilla talk may be getting annoying, but right now he's dominating this entire game and it's hard to not talk about him. I need a suitable distraction.

- Ah, there's one. Kyle Lowry enters the game. I'm a massive fan of Kyle Lowry, as everybody should be. He's the next Jason Kidd. Bollocks to Mike Conley. This now means that Memphis is sporting the perimeter trio of Lowry, Jacobsen and Miller, which makes me a truly happy bunny.

- Mike Barrett reminds us all that tonight is Greg Oden bobblehead night. Hmmm. Maybe they should have rescheduled that.

- During an advert break, an advert for Adidas or whoever it was comes on, and Dwyane Wade comes on, looking moody, then shouts "Der-WAAAAAAAYNE, WADE". I'm not sure how this helped advertise the product, nor how anyone could find it enthralling or otherwise. But hey ho, I'm just a cynical bastard.

- The same advert break cuts back just in time for us viewers to catch the last few seconds of the Dunking Elvises (Elvii?) trampoline spectacular slamball thing. It was awesome. I'd watch about an hour of that and the grin on my face would never waver. Make it an all-star event. Make the competitors wear fancy dress. Do this now.

- Memphis scores 6 quick points to stretch the lead out to 32-23. And at this point I've just noticed that Mike Conley, Tarence Kinsey, Hakim Warrick (injured) and Brian Cardinal aren't in the game, and haven't been at any point. Memphis, if you need help in rehoming any of those 4, get me a job as an NBA GM and I'll gladly assist.

- Mike Rice called Hakim Warrick "War Wig". There's plenty more from The Mike Rice Show to come, but as you may have gathered, I'm not a fan. This is because he is crap.

- Pau Gasol has 17 of Memphis's 32 points, coming on 8-9 shooting. I say this only to re-emphasis how sloppy Portland's interior defense has been so far. Paul is repeatedly going at Aldridge, and winning. Concern.

- Hey, Tarence Kinsey is in! Cool. I like Kinsey. But if any two players were going to get in ahead of him, then I'm glad it was Jacobsen and Miller.

- A Memphis offensive possession sees Casey Jacobsen stand in the corner with his arms up for 12 seconds, then running back on defense. This is why I love Casey Jacobsen and his one dimensional genius. He looked genuinely upset that he didn't get to shoot.

- Kyle Lowry is the next Jason Kidd. I've mentioned this before and I'll mention it again.

- As much as I like Mike Miller, he really could use a more heterosexual choice of headband.

- Right on cue, Mike Miller goes to posterise Joel Przybilla, going up strong for the dunk. There can only be one winner. And naturally, it's Joel Przybilla, as he meets Mikey at the top and blocks the ball away. A part of me dies watching this, but again, as above - if Miller's going to lose out to someone, then it would have to be Przybilla. It makes it all right.

- Memphis assistant coach Johnny Davis looks like the result of one of those image morphing websites, With this in mind, I used one such program and tried to restore Davis's head to that of a normal person. The results were, um, staggering.

Before:



After:


It didn't need to be done, but it has been, and it was educational.

- Memphis leads 40-28 at this moment, with only one turnover. They're playing crisply on offense and Portland is doing little about this, particularly on the inside as we have already covered. Annoyingly, Mike Rice is using every opportunity possible to spew forth bilious hate towards the rookie referee in charge of this game, whose name he chooses not to use, instead running with the term "the rookie ref". Rice seems to believe that all his calls are to be questioned because of who he is, and that he isn't worthy to call a foul on a Portland player. It's very annoying to say the least, and it's going to feature in upcoming stanzas. So read on, loyal viewer.

- Joel Przybilla blocks a Darko Milicic dunk. Like any other eventually was even possible.

- Mike Miller commits a foul, and protests it. Mike Barrett mentions how Mike Miller has "never committed a foul [in his own mind]", and Mike Rice likened Mike Miller's complaining to that of Tim "Mike" Duncan. This post isn't necessary, I just wanted to say Mike a lot. Mike Mikey Mike Mike.

- Conley enters the game, upping the Mike tally one further. Bizarrely but not exepectedly, he goes straight into the backcourt alongside Mike Lowry, who stays in the game. This has to make you think - despite Lowry being far from a sure thing, especially after such a short run last season, it's obvious to anyone that he's really good. He's a point guard of the future calibre prospect for this team. So why then did they draft another one at 4 this year, even if Mike Conley is really good? Do they foresee a situation in which the two can play a lot alongside each other, or do they want a T.J. Ford/Jose Calderon thing going on? Neither of those scenarios would be bad, but they aren't necessarily optimum use of assets. So we'll see how this plays out.

- Immediately, Conley breaks a full court press, glides past the defense (if that's what it's called) of Steve Blake, and draws an and-1 on Przybilla. Maybe that's why they drafted him, then.

- The rookie referee calls LaMarcus Aldridge for hooking as he made his move down low. Instantly, Mike Rice once again calls into question this referee's tenacity and reasons for being alive, condemning him spitefully and mercilessly. He ignores, of course, that it was actually a foul.

- Sideline reporter Rebecca Haarlow - who may or may not be fit, she's too silhouetted to really see - interviews the wife of Darius Miles about her upcoming child birth. In response to Haarlow's question of "what are you doing to get ready?", Brandi Miles replies "Praying", which seems odd. But it's not as odd as the Blazers actually acknowledging that Miles is still a part of the organisation. I can't say I saw that coming.

- LaMarcus Aldridge commits a charge on Kyle Lowry, but the charging foul is not called. Replays clearly show that it was a missed call by the referee, who just so happens to be the immortal "rookie ref". However, since this no-call went Portland's way, Mike Rice chooses to overlook his nemesis's decision this time. Quel suprise.

- Mike Conley penetrates the lane and kicks out to Kyle Lowry, who hits a three.

- Kyle Lowry penetrates the lane and kicks out to Mike Conley, who hits a three. Yeah, I always knew this pairing would work out. Memphis leads 57-43. At this moment, Casey Jacobsen subs in, clearly in it for some three point shooting while the getting's good.

- Mike Rice calls Darko Millisits "Millishits". I'd like that to have been Freudian, but it wasn't. He's just bad at commentating.

- Mike Conley continues to destroy Steve Blake, which is more of a damning statement about Blake than it is an endorsement for Conley. Sitll, he looks good.

- It's now halftime, Memphis are leading 61-49, and I opt to enjoy one of the major advantages of taped delayed games - I skip straight to the second half, ignoring the tedious half time show. Yup.

- Damon Stoudamire is back out on the floor to start the second half, and Mike Rice is quick to congratulate him on being Damon Stoudamire. He calls him "Super Mouse", "one of my favourites", and a man who "knows everything about the game, like Danny Ainge". Make your own jokes here. I'll just roll my eyes at the Super Mouse thing.

- Steve Blake, would you PLEASE let Brandon Roy touch the ball? I know you're officially the point guard, but Roy is a better one of those than you are.

- Channing Frye is also back into the game, and he airballs a layup after expecting to draw contact that never came. Thw window is closing on this guy, I tell you.

- On another post move, Darko Milicic finally goes right. It's an alien concept to him, and he travels.

- Mike Barrett makes a good point - is Mike Miller shutting down Brandon Roy? Roy certainly hasn't done much yet, and Miller has chased him relentlessly off the ball, showing unusually good lateral quickness. So maybe he is shutting him down. Or maybe Steve Blake is shutting Roy down. Or maybe Roy's just doing his first half passiveness routine. Or all three.

- Super Mouse successfully runs a pick and roll with Millishits, who dunks the ball. While running back on defense, he inexplicably slaps himself in the face. I can only think that this was a Darius Miles shoutout that went a bit wrong.

- The Blazers are running some kind of promotion called the Steal Of The Game or something, in which you buy tickets for 10 games, get an 11th one free, and also get two free basketballs. Something like that, anyway. As Barrett reads out the scripted promotion speech for about the third time tonight, Rice randomly intercepts with the sentence "did you see what 'Sheed in Detroit the other night?". Barrett politely answers "yes", then continues with the rest of the speech. Barrett is a competent if not great announcer, but Mike Rice is making him look wonderful, beause of how bad Rice himself is. It's the ol' Joe Morgan and Jon Miller scenario in an NBA setting.

- It feels like only 5 years ago that Raef LaFrentz was a valued commodity and one of the league's best young centers. This is because it was. Capable of 5 blocks and 5 three pointers in any given night, LaFrentz was hot shit, , even if he couldn't stay healthy. And yet now, not far down the line, the injuries have caught up with him and he's left as an incredibly expensive DNP-CD machine. Upsetting, really. I like the fella. And he also looks like the drummer out of Scouting For Girls, a band that you've never heard of, but who I'm publicising because I'm their friend and because I can. Buy their stuff. Do it now. And tell your friends.

- Brandon Roy steals the ball on back to back possessions, both of which lead to baskets. On the first trip he leads the break, and on the second he finishes it. This leads to Mike Barrett reading out the rather amazing statistic (if I heard him correctly) that Portland had only 3 steals all season up until tonight. That's such an anomaly that I might have simply misheard him. Naturally, I couldn't be arsed to look it up and be sure.

- Both of those steals came on errant passes from the high post by Pau Gasol, who then throws it away on a third straight possession before being bailed out by a foul call on Webster, the pass intercepter. Why Memphis is suddenly giving it to Pau in the high post, where he can't do much, instead of feeding him in the low post where he did so much damage earlier, is a bloody good question that no one seems to have asked. Memphis still leads, but the lead is cut to 63-59, and Portland has momentum.

- After a Steve Blake turnover, Mike Miller is blocked again on the ensuing break, this time by Webster. It leads to a fastbreak going the other way, which LaMarcus Aldridge finishes with an and-1. The momentum is still very much with Portland, and Brandon Roy is starting to take over the game, collapsing the defense at will and running the entire offense to great effect. Just one question - where was this in the first half?

- Mike Rice calls Kyle Lowry "Kyle Lorry". It's not an accent thing. He just can't say any names, it appears.

- Pau Gasol goes to the bench with 4 fouls. This is a good thing, because in comes Brian Cardinal. Woohooooo!! The run-stopper himself.

- Incdientally, while looking up the other day any nicknames Mike Miller may have, the only one that I could find for him was "Skinny". It's pretty apparent why he doesn't go by this any more, so we need to find Miller a new nickname. Apply within.

- Stromile Swift is also in, and almost immediately commits a turnover. People need to end the comparisons with him and Tyrus Thomas - apart from being athletic and from LSU, there's basically nothing to it. When Stromile can pass and dribble like Tyrus, let me know. Portland scores on the subsequent possession, and it's a one point game.

- At this point, Brian Cardinal takes and makes a no-doubt three from the corner. I told you he was a run stopper.

- On a post up, Cardinal goes to take the charge on Aldridge, falls, but doesn't get a call. Aldridge jumps over him, dunks, and then taunts the stricken Cardinal. Be careful there, champ. Brian Cardinals lash out when they get angry, and they can be a very volatile beast.

- Speaking of LaMarcus Aldridge, he's scoring a lot tonight, but a lot of it comes from opportunity baskets. This isn't a bad thing, for it shows good all around offense on Portland's part, particularly by Brandon Roy and good instincts of Aldridge's part. It's just worth nothing. He's continuing to prove, though, that he isn't nearly the one dimensional jumpshooting offensive player that his haters seem to pigeon hole him has. Basically I'm saying that he's not Channing Frye.

- On a call regarding the possession arrow after a strip, the rookie referee overrules the white-headed-dark-eyebrowed Jimmy Clark, giving possession to Portland instead of Memphis. Replays show that the rook was righ tto do this, as Clark got the call wrong. So, does Mike Rice credit the rookie ref, given that he achiueve the unlikely triple headeer of getting the call right, having the balls to overrule the old timer, and also give a decision in Portland's favour? Does he bollocks. Instead, he credits Clark for letting the rook overrule him. Sometimes you have to wonder if Rice believes in this misguided inflexible referee hierarchy thing that he seems to have invented. It sure looks that way.

- Mike Rice then promptly calls Steve Blake "Steve Beck". I'm picking a lot on Mike Rice here, but it's impossible not to. To coin a phrase, he's fucking shite.

- Stromile Swift does one of those statement blocks where instead of simply catching the ball or caroming it to a team mate, he swats it into the first row, allowing Portland to regain possession. Old dog, new tricks, and all that jazz.

- Travis Outlaw, quiet thus far, makes a nice finish on the break, also getting a foul shot courtesy of a Brian Cardinal foul. Mike Rice compares the finish by Outlaw to Jerry West. The comparison is valid, given that they have had similar careers. Well, sorta. One is on the NBA Logo recognised by millions and weas thie shit both as a player and a GM, and one backs up Channing Frye. But essentially they are equals.

-

Not sure what I was trying to say here.

By the way, you know how women seem to love it when men have good handwriting? Well, I'm single. I think my handwriting reflects this.

- I truly appreciate Jarrett Jack's eyebrows. That is all.

- Stromile Swift commits an offensive foul as Przybilla takes charge. Mike Rice chooses that moment to heavily compliment the rookie ref for making the call. Wow. That was unexpected.

- On the ensuing possession, the rookie ref calls Travis Outlaw for a travel. Rice's comment: "I thought he [the ref] was improving". Again, the fact that the correct call was made gets overlooked. And I really don't think Rice said that with any hint of irony in his voice.

- We're treated to more Dunking Elvis action, and I'm still loving it. This should take place in the backround at all games at all times. I'm sold.

- Mike Rice asks the players of both teams to "bump and grind more". 'K.

- Cardinal turns down a wide (as in wiiiiiiiiide) open three, favouring the one-pass-too-many option instead. Apparently Brian Cardinals as a species don't get angry after all, but rather, they curl up into a ball like hedgehogs and wither. That's a shame.

- Darko Milicic is fouled on a missed layup, his fifth missed layup/dunk of the night. Mike Barrett - not deadpanning, just incorrect - mentions that Milicic has "been playing well tonight". A rare slip from Barrett, who is still being elevated to legendary status purely because of the inane sod next to him.

- This is the first game I've ever watched Mike Conley play. And I think I've gotten a pretty accurate scouting report on him - he's going left. Always.

- The game is tied at 79 after a Martell Webster three, one opened up from Brandon Roy once again collapsing the defense. Part way through last season, there were rumours about Brandon Roy playing point guard full time. These rumours were quickly shot down, and the signing of Steve Blake to go with Jarrett Jack and Sergio Rodriguez, as well as the drafting of Petteri Koponen and Taurean Green, seem to support the idea that it's not going to happen. However, given how good he is at it, it bloody well should. Or at least, they should bring in a high quality shooter and good defnsive player to play alongside him. Beck isn't it, and while Jack might be one day, he probably won't be. Ideas on a postcard please.

- Mike Rice double whammy - after Martell Grand National makes a defensive stop, Rice says "one time, you could make that play against Martell Webster, but not now in 207", and then calls Kyle Lowry "Lorry" for the second time. Both are seemingly meaningless slip-ups, but they are part of a long pattern of cock-ups that Rice has produced tonight. It's made weirder by the way that 8 words after calling him Lorry, and still in the same sentence, Rice manages to then get his name right. Strange times.

- I swear to God "Dude Looks Like A Lady" just played when Mike Miller was shooting a free throw.

- Mike Barrett comment during a Milicic miss - "inside to Darko, who hasn't scored in.....a couple of years". See, Mike Rice, that's how it's done. With good flow, correct names and some articulation, Barrett has managed to both make a funny and undo his previous mistake. Learn from this, and spend more than 8 seconds on your pre-game notes. If you took any.

- Darko is subbed out for Gasol, and p