Some potentially insightful and vaguely articulate basketball commentary will be coming your way shortly. But first, here's something far more important: the Chicago Bulls players singing.
God invented the internet so that we could feel more closely acquainted to professional athletes. It's the reason they have online chats, it's the reason they have their own websites, it's the reason we try and become their Facebook friends, and it's the reason that their team contractually obligates them to humiliate themselves for the sake of a few Youtube videos. For this, we must give our eternal thanks, because God never fails to satisfy us. And nor does Joakim Noah.
During a Bulls game last week, a halftime segment aired that showed Noah, Derrick Rose, Tyrus Thomas and Luol Deng participating in a 'Name That Tune' style challenge. The four players paired up, and one player had to sing whatever tune was playing in his headphones, with the other player charged with guessing which song it was that they were butchering. The hot blonde's job was to guess which team won.
The whole debacle was caught on camera.
A closer inspection reveals that this isn't the first Bulls players karaoke segment of the season. Three other officially licensed videos exist, showing the same players (as well as Kirk Hinrich, Aaron Gray, and the now-departed Drew Gooden and Thabo Sefolosha) taking part in a singalong to various TV theme tunes. The tunes range from seminal to forgettable, yet they are, to a man, bludgeoned.
If anyone emerges from this with any pride, it might be Drew Gooden. Gooden - whom we already know to be always up for a tinkle - demonstrates, if nothing else, a semblance of a sense of rhythm, humility and personality, although he does appear to struggle with the difference between a saxophone and a piccolo. Hinrich continues his galvanising makeover from the shy and retiring elfin-like creature of his rookie year to the matured and forthcoming comedy god that he is today. Tyrus Thomas sings like he plays (with plenty of effort yet little to show for it), as does Luol Deng (who is bloody awful). Most worryingly of all, Derrick Rose seems to sing in the same way that he talks - in a monotoned unrelenting B flat that never shows any signs of breaking out into a fit of inflection or interest. Give me another half hour of Gooden, instead. Thanks.
However, if you thought that other Bulls starlet Ben Gordon had gotten lucky and avoided it all, then despair not. Despite the fact that those videos were probably made during Gordon's entirely awkward contract negotiations, Ben has been seen to have brought the noise before. In this first video, Ben is caught chiming in with a vital contribution to the seminal Chicago Bears theme song, "Bear Down Chicago Bears". (Note: a version with Hinrich in it is out there somewhere, but apparently I've lost it.)
And in this second video, Ben does what 85% of ballers feel obligated to do eventually; he stars in a rap video.
(Note: That last video appears to have been an advert for a product called Mioplex. A quick Google search reveals that Mioplex is a "male orgasm intensifier." This would explain why he felt fifty feet tall. My work here is done.)
If the Bulls thought Derrick Rose’s penchant for gummy bears was hazardous to his health, the story Monday at the Berto Center was about an apple a day bringing the doctor into play.
A sheepish Rose explained why he needed 10 stitches to close a gash under the elbow on his left forearm, a self-inflicted injury sustained in bed from a knife he used to slice an apple.
"Silly accident this morning," Rose said, standing before a a large throng of media. "I went to get a bottle of water, forgot the knife was there, and sat down and sliced my arm."
Question: Which is the best of these truly staggeringly piss poor second-hand jokes to accompany this story? Is it:
A: "It wouldn't have happened if he was eating Gummi Bears." B: "I bet he was actually out doughnutting with Monta Ellis." C: "Let's ask Toni Braxton for her side of the story." D: "He must have seen the state of his own frontcourt." E: "Plaxico Burress has spawned a new line of copycat murderers." F: "What, you DON'T use a knife in the bedroom?" G: "He won't even miss a game? Larry Hughes could have made this last a season." H: "Quick, somebody check that knife for Kirk Hinrich's prints." I: "This is the classic sign of a cry for help." J: "It was Captain Rose, in the bedroom, with a knife." [Cluedo shoutout, btw.] K: "Let's hope he never starts eating toast in the bathtub." L: "Who eats apples with a knife, anyway?" M: "Who is Apple and why was she in Derrick Rose's bed at knifepoint?" N: "Yeah, I hate my iPod too." O: "Rose has always been known as a slasher." P: None of these, and please dear God make this stop.
The Bulls are, quite possibly, the hardest team in the league to gauge right now. Every one of their significant players is a massive question mark. Other than predicting Larry Hughes will shoot a pull-up 18 footer on 85% of the fast breaks that he's involved in, there's nothing that you can say with any conviction about this current Bulls roster. It's a poser.
Theoretically, they could be great. This is still, essentially, the same 49 win second round team of the 2006/07 season, with only a few changes. The corpse of P.J. Brown has been replaced by Joakim Noah. The corpse of Ben Wallace has been replaced by Drew Gooden. And Chris Duhon has been replaced by Derrick Rose, which may or may not be an upgrade. (Sarcasm!) So, with those three upgrades, plus the return of Ben Gordon, Luol Deng, Andres Nocioni and Kirk Hinrich, plus the overdue-but-genuinely-forthcoming breakout of Tyrus Thomas, the Bulls should easily be able to usurp that 2007 team. Shouldn't they?
Well, no. The other change between then and now is the entire coaching staff. As outlined in the Milwaukee Bucks preview, Scott Skiles's coaching jobs have a shelf-life, but until it goes horribly wrong, he can make teams overachieve. The Bulls achieved what they did in 2007 despite having only the NBA's 20 best offense, purely because they had the best defense in the league. Skiles was directly responsible for that. However, after he lost the team last year - and after his replacement Jim Boylan proved to be about as much use as a surfboard with handlebars - the Bulls defense regressed to being middle of the road, and the offense was no better.
It's not known what Del Negro will try to do, and it's futile to guess. But it's a safe assumption to say that he won't bring the level of defense that Scott Skiles did, because almost no one does. The hiring of Vinny The Black, and the new assistant coach lineup of Bernie Bickerstaff, Bob Ociepka and Del Harris, shows a clear intent to focus on the long term, and to concentrate on player development, something badly mismanaged during the Skiles era. It's the right approach, and winning the lottery gives General Manager John Paxson a second chance to clear up the collateral from the Ben Wallace disaster. Yet, for all horny long term projections, the Bulls are currently awash in highly paid underachievers.
Additionally, those players have regressed. Players were paid in accordance of what they were expected to go on and achieve, but after last year's diarrhoea of a season, no one did what they were supposed to. Nocioni used to play with a clean form of aggression, one where willpower and effort overcame his inability to dribble and penchant for leaving jumpshooters often. But these days, he chucks, and he pouts. Ben Gordon briefly became a near-All Star 20 ppg scorer, with good scoring efficiency, and an improved ability to dribble without falling over. But this desire to fit in with the offense seems to have left him. Luol Deng's jumpshot was infallible, but only for one year. And Kirk Hinrich has managed to get worse at every single facet of the game. This isn't the team it once was, despite it still being the same core.
The talent is still there. The Bulls still have a 20 point scorer at shooting guard, a potential 21/8 small forward with fine defense, and a combo guard with elite defense and a good jumpshot. Added to that, they now have a young Stephon Marbury at point guard, plus whatever you think of Tyrus Thomas and Joakim Noah. Furthermore, only one of those players is over 25. As young cores go, this one is still good.
As of right now, though, the roster is a clusterfuck. All the pieces that used to fit seamlessly, no longer do. And they're not as cheap as they used to be, either.
It's turnaroundable, if that's a word. The players that broke themselves can mend themselves. But it will take dramatic improvement from a unit that spent all of last year going backwards. Hinrich needs to find his footspeed again. Gordon needs to develop some humility. Deng needs to get his jumpshot back, and add four feet of range to it. Nocioni needs to pretend he's playing for Argentina every night. Thomas needs to learn how to make layups. Noah needs to learn how to make layups. Thabo Sefolosha needs to learn how to shoot. Hughes needs to learn how to play. And Drew Gooden needs to stop pratting about with his facial hair. (This won't help his performance any. It's just a general point.)
If this was another team, we'd probably be watching them intently, fawning openly, dicks in hand, doused in our own pre-ejaculate at the exciting and potential-laden duo of Rose and Thomas, despite them sounding more like the compelling protagonists in a Baroque-era love story. But that's not going to happen here. This is the Bulls. It's been nothing but false dawns for ten years. No one's leading them anything. This time, they're going to have to win our trust, by winning something.
- Adam Haluska signed with Hapoel Jerusalem. I'm putting this one first, because originally I had it last, and the jarringly obvious lack of a bad joke was not a good way to end the post. I have failed you.
- Miami waived Bobby Jones before his contract became guaranteed, thus leaving Jones free to roam the land and add another scalp to his "I can totally play for every NBA team before 2010" campaign. (A campaign which may only exist in my head.) I'd recommend him to Memphis, but unfortunately, he's already been there once. So....Oklahoma City, anyone?
- Some things happen really quietly in the NBA. So quietly, in fact, tha they aren't actually announced at all. In the last six weeks or so, the Bulls have signed two players without telling anyone: restricted free agent Demetris Nichols accepted his unguaranteed qualifying offer, obviously aware that it's for more than he will get elsewhere, and number 1 overall pick Derrick Rose signed his rookie contract back in early July. For some reason, there was no press conference on this - one can only assume that they held off deliberately in order to do the damn thing so that they can announce his signing at a later date in conjunction with the signings of, say, Luol Deng and Ben Gordon. That way, they can do one of those "Meet The Next Generation" type of press conferences, and maybe even get Jonathan Frakes as a guest speaker. However, as Ben Gordon has decided to be a right wazzock about his contract situation (more on this later), that plan hasn't really worked out. Nevertheless, Rose has signed, so all you conspiracy theorists....disperse.
- Similarly, the Warriors have signed undrafted forward Dion Dowell for training camp, doing so very early, with no announcement made. It's not unprecedented for this to happen - Utah did it with Roger Powell once, for example - but it is kind of rare. So when an announcement about Golden State signing Dion Dowell hits the streets in the first week of October, don't be surprised to hear an I told you so. (In the unlikely event that it doesn't happen, this post will self-destruct, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.)
- Milwaukee signed Francisco Elson. Why? Don't know, really. Is Elson better than incumbent backup centre Dan Gadzuric? Yes, yes he is. Pretty much everyone is. But is it by a lot? Not exactly. So is it worth signing a slight upgrade when you're already stuck with paying Gadzuric $20 million over the next three years? (By the way, you may have noticed that sometimes I befoul the signing of good players to decent value contracts, and sometimes I applaud it. This is because I'm temperamental, partial to prejudice, and often wrong.)
- In the same day, Gordan Giricek was reported to have signed with two different teams, in a situation even more bizarre than that of serial bigamist, Jumaine Jones. Triumph Lyubertsy of Russia - the team who just spent lots of money on glamour model Nenad Krstic as a replacement for Uros Slokar - were reported to have signed Giricek for one of those elusive 1+1 deals, but agent Marc Fleischer says that Giricek signed with Fenerbache of Turkey. And you'd think that he'd know, really. So we'll pencil him in for Turkey. (You know the best part about all of this? I'm Uros Slokar's Facebook friend. True story. The guy writes on his own wall a lot, but his English is as sound as Ealing North MP Stephen Pound. I like him.)
- Boston either just have signed or soon will sign their first round draft pick, J.R. Giddens. For all first round draft pick fans at home, this now leaves only two from this year's draft unsigned - George Hill of the San Antonio Spurs (who apparently will signed and will feature heavily), and Serge Ibaka of Oklahoma City (who, as intrepidly reported back in the boom boom selection days, has signed elsewhere already). You know who has been signed? Derrick Rose. Just thought I'd remind you.
- Jamar Smith has signed for Fastweb Casale Monferrato in Italy. Note: this is not Illinois's disreputable Jamar Smith, the one who recently got kicked off of the team for some naughtiness. Instead, this is Maryland's Jamar Smith, the one hurtling towards thirty, and the former San Antonio Spurs training camp fodder. In many ways, this is the more famous of the Jamar Smithii. (Plural.)
- Jannero Pargo signed with Dynamo Moscow, a team which isn't actually in Moscow, but which can be found in a small farmer's market outside Pontefract, Wales. (Readers note: I am talking out of my arse.) The signing of Pargo isn't exactly a heartbreaker, but it does weaken the already piss poor market even further. However, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. For every reasonably decent point guard signed, Kevin Ollie gets one step closer to a stay of execution, which can't be bad. Additionally, if any teams out there are upset at losing out of signing Pargo and are looking for a Pargo-like replacement, may I suggest Salim Stoudamire?
- Louis Amundson signed with the Phoenix Suns, naturally for the minimum. So clearly the Warriors looked elsewhere (namely, Dion Dowell). The Suns are now a Goran Dragic away from completing their roster, and we'll have more on that sneaky little bastard later.
- Marcus Douthit has signed with Antalya Buyuksehir Belediye. The last time I wrote something about Marcus Douthit, I asked the world if any of you knew what happened to Douthit's unique charges of embezzlement. Reader and one-time blog commenter Chris, whoever that is (God bless you sir) provided a quasi-update, but not an absolute resolution to this important question. And so, I'll ask again: does anyone know of what became of Marcus Douthit's embezzlement charges?
- Paul Davis returned to the L.A. Clippers to battle Steve Novak for the important role of gimpy looking 15th man whose very presence keeps the fans interested. Unhelpfully and unoriginally, I'm going to make the same observation that everyone else has made: boy, do they have a lot of Davii! (Plural.) Journeyman forward Dangerous Josh Davis can claim the one the Clippers as one of the few teams that he hasn't played for yet, not even in summer league (I think), and he's also currently unsigned. This union makes too much sense not to happen.
- Maintenant, et finalément, I can't speak French. Shawn Kemp did actually sign for Bread Mountain in Italy, as mentioned once before. It really happened. It really did. Expect this to be tracked closely.
I prayed to God for a miracle and what happened? Free internet in the PDX airport. The time blew by. I looked at all the funny videos from the letter-opening bunny to the daily condensed soup, which I recommend for everyone to watch — it’s hilarious.
I get on the plane sit in my nice comfortable 1st class seat and to my dismay the “bubble gut monster” arose his bubbly badness inside my stomach. What I mean is that I had to lay down a huge fart. If we were outside in the woods or maybe at an all-guys party I would have tore a hole in the universe but I had to hold it. Too many people too soon and I knew it was gonna smell.
Et cetera.
All I ask for from NBA players is a semblance of personality. It's a small ask, yet one often unfulfilled by people professionally trained to be dull and boring. A small bit of personality goes a long way, particularly if you aren't very good. If you're likeable as a person, then by proxy you're more likeable as a player. This theory worked on me for Paul Shirley, Scot Pollard, Mark Pope, Andrew Bogut, Rod Benson, Yao Ming, Jalen Rose, Rasheed Wallace, Jonny Gomes, and even Ron Artest. In my book, you gain invauable bonus points for just not being dull. (Let it be known, though, that you will also lose said points for all animal cruelty charges accrued. So that definitely counts against Ron.)
Similarly, if you're completely humourless, the chances are that I won't even try to enjoy watching you play. This is why I'm always quick to defoul Josh Smith, try to avoid Cavaliers games, and why the Derrick Rose era doesn't hearten me as much as it should. (Michael Beasley is entertaining, and he's good. Let it be known that I wanted him, while also remembering that my opinion on draftees ain't worth a damn thing.)
So every time I learn of an NBA player showing signs of a personality without a hint of remorse, I'm all for you. Well done, Mr Frye. Keep writing and not being Josh Smith.
(By the way, the above "personality = good" theory doesn't particularly apply to Gilbert Arenas. He's just interfering. Points gained for trying, points lost for being annoying.)
Down one in the closing stages of a summer league game, new Wizards guard Dee Brown fouls Uruguay's finest, the insatiable Gustavo Barrera, sending him to the line. Barrera hits both foul shots, putting Houston up by 3.
Rockets forward Joey Dorsey - watching the game from the sidelines due to an ankle injury - briefly breaks away from his spontaneous "Who Can Wear The Worst Stripey Polo Shirt" competition with Rafer Alston, and decides to say something. The ref decides to T him up, demonstrating the elaborate technical foul calling technique that NBA scouts want to see from potenital refs. Dorsey sulks. Nick Young hits the technical free throw, and the Wizards have the ball, down two.
Andray Blatche, who has battled bravely against the desire to pass for a number of years now, throws up a tub of wank three pointer. It misses, but Brown tips it back in, and the game goes to overtime. The Wizards go on to win, and the Rockets don't. Joey Dorsey loses not only a game he wasn't in, but also the polo shirt competition, as he has no answer for Rafer's daring usage of deep red and sky blue on an otherwise predominantly white top.
(Also notice - Vladimir Veremeenko. Hooray! If these games are downloadable anywhere, then I need to know. Can't do streams, though.)
Here's what I know about Joey Dorsey - he's an idiot. Someone once told me that he's the next Ben Wallace, which re-affirms my belief on this. (And no, I'm not at all bitter about the spectacularly unsuccessful Ben Wallace signing and the collateraldamage that it caused. Nope. Not at all. Totally over it.) Admittedly I don't know much about Joey Dorsey - when he made headlines for "announcing" that his college team mate Derrick Rose was not going to be drafted number 1 by Chicago in a hilarious wind-up that everyone found hilarious, it took me two weeks to find out that Joey Dorsey was a player, and not an opportunist reporter. But still. I know he's a bit of an idiot. Wikipedia agrees.
During the 2007 NCAA Men's Division I Basketball Tournament, Dorsey famously called Ohio State center Greg Oden "overrated as a big man," said that Oden "might be as good as Joey Dorsey," and called himself Goliath and Oden the "the little man." Dorsey also predicted a 20 rebound game for himself. The Buckeyes defeated the Tigers by a score of 92-76 and Dorsey finished with zero points and just four rebounds. In fact, Dorsey was so overmatched during the game that he was not able to even attempt a field goal in the 19 minutes he was on the court. As terrible as he was on the offensive end, he was as bad or worse on the defensive end. Dorsey's defensive duty was to guard Oden. Oden shot 7 for 8 from the field for 17 points and also grabbed 9 rebounds.
And now this.
The evidenced is really piling up. Joey Dorsey = a mouthy git. A bit like Stephen Jackson.
Derrick Rose, as seen by someone who's never seen him
So the Chicago Bulls won the lottery. Hooray! Insert a Youtube video of a girl pulling a happy face while 'Surfin' Bird' by The Trashmen plays alongside her. Dance accordingly. Woop with joy. And stuff like that.
So apparently, we're (read: they're) now choosing between two players called Derrick Rose and Michael Beasley. Great.
So anyway. I don't watch NCAA basketball, because it's not on the telly. I also never read up on draftees, because I don't like to regurgitate other people's opinions. (Everyone else can do that, so I let everyone else do it.) This changed a bit, though, when they won the lottery.
So I've been doing the tiniest amount of research. And from what I can gather, Derrick Rose may or may not have good court vision due to his head coach running a system that doesn't feature a traditional point guard much, didn't score a whole lot due to a 'stacked' team, isn't a good shooter, and can't finish with his left hand.
So I ask you: what am I missing that makes this guy a number 1 pick? Why would a coach have a supposed surefire superstar and potential number 1 overall pick, and not tailor the offense to suit his strengths? Why would a potential number 1 pick, whose strength is supposedly his scoring, be outscored by his inferior, we're-not'going-to-be-drafted-number-one-overall-to-be-honest teammates?
Sham is a miserable and self-effacing little bastard, whose basketball opinions are often riddled with bias, insecurity, and rank immaturity. He has also never played the sport, and the only game he has ever been to see was a Ware Rebels game back in 2001. The night bus didn't show up and he had to walk the 9 miles home. It was after this that his passion for basketball really took off.
He considers himself to be Britain's foremost NBA expert, an arbitrary title that carries with it no basis in fact, or any worldly significance. He also wrote this section of the website in third person narrative, purely for reasons of arrogance.
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is copyrighted to the website's owner, including (but not limited to)
the really stupid ones that I wish I'd never written.
