Dude. It's Zach Randolph.

ESPN: Knicks suggest dealing Randolph to Memphis

The Knicks have a trade proposal on the table with the Memphis Grizzlies that would see Darko Milicic and Marko Jaric dealt to New York in exchange for Zach Randolph.

OK, I get it. I do. I really do.

"Here, take Zach Randolph! Take this extremely talented player who just so happens to play at your weakest position! Nooooooo, we don't want anything back! You just take him!"

I get that. When your job is to improve your team, and you are offered a highly talented basketball player for essentially free, it's a tough one to turn down. And Zach Randolph really is highly talented.

But he's also Zach Randolph. And therein lies the problem.

For all of Zach's talents, his play has never been efficient, sensible, or highly profitable. Just by playing him, you lose an untold amount on defense, something which Randolph simply cannot do. And for all his versatility and skill as an offensive player, Zach has never had the sense or awareness to fit into an offense efficiently - Randolph is a career .465 shooter starting his offense from increasingly near the three point line, and with an intense aversion to passing. Bear in mind, this is a man once berated for selfishness by former teammate, Nick Van Exel. And Nick Van Exel knows a thing or two about selfishness.

The problem is exacerbated when looking at Memphis's other big men. Out of Hamed Haddadi, Hakim Warrick, Darrell Arthur, Marc Gasol and Antoine Walker, who represents a good pairing for Zach? Who is the weakside shotblocker to counteract Zach's complete failure in that area? There's a bit there, mainly coming from Gasol, but there's not much. Additionally, if Marc Gasol is to start at centre - and it looks like he has to - then how do you pair him and Randolph on offense? Pairing Randolph with a man who plays within 3 feet of the rim at all times (Eddy Curry) went painfully badly last season, so how much different will it be with Gasol? How does Zach fit?

Take a wider look at the roster, and the same applies. The Memphis roster is a symposium of good young talent and veterans that they're stuck with. In Rudy Gay and Orange Juice Mayonnaise (readers note: that joke wasn't funny, nor mine), the Grizzlies have two talented young scorers, and a roster rounded out with complimentary athleticism, defensive versatility and scoring talent. However, outside shooting remains a concern, and there remains a big hole at power forward. There's also a big rebounding hole on a team that was outrebounded by 2.9 boards a game last year, good for only 25th in the league.

Now Zach Randolph is a power forward all right, and he's constantly armed with a good rebounding rate. But if anyone expects him to come in and be primarily a rebounder, in the role that David Lee refused to fill, then they're either eternally optimistic, or privy to some blackmail that the rest of us aren't. No one has been able to convince Zach Randolph that his future lies in the post for a while now, and a year under the stewardship of Isiah Thomas is not good news for any player who struggles to understand their limitations.

The current reported trade talk sees Memphis giving New York nothing more than Marko Jaric and Darko Milicic. That is something, at least. Milicic is a player who has failed to pan out for three teams, and Marko is someone Memphis didn't want in the first place. The two players combine to earn $35,860,000 over the next three years, and they represent the two worst contracts that the Grizzlies have. (Readers note: Antoine Walker's contract is longer and bigger, but it's also fully unguaranteed beyond this year. And that's why Memphis wanted it in the first place. Same with Greg Buckner, sort of.) The next three years of Zach Randolph will pay him $48 million, and the cap hold for the first two years will be only a minor increase over what Darko and Marko currently take up. The only significant cap hit comes in the 2010/11 season, where Randolph will earn $17,333,333 to Jaric's $7,625,000, with Milicic already expired. But, as the Grizzlies have only 5 players under contract at that time, that isn't relevant of right now. The cost of obtaining Randolph is as low as it can be: two mostly insignificant bench players, who also have the franchise's two largest contracts.

But is that minimal price still too much for Zach Randolph?

It's a high risk move, clearly. But it's only a high reward move if the Zach Randolph of 2006/07 turns up, the one who put up a flawed but sexy 24 points and 10 rebounds a game. The one who wasn't as bad as usual on defense. The one who stayed largely in the post. The one who didn't complain too much. The one who was in the best shape of his life. The one who produced. To make this trade worthwhile, Memphis needs that Randolph back. But even after such a career best season, Portland were willing to trade him for nothing. Portland would rather pay Steve Francis $30 million to not turn up,rather than have even the good version of Randolph back. Warning sirens aplenty. If they get this Zach Randolph back, then they will be trading for the highest paid non-All Star of all time, and making a $48 million investment in a painful player with a painful contract and a temperamental history.

Risky. Too risky.

Will we ever see the better Randolph again? I don't know the answer, and I don't know about this trade. I get it, but......dude.

It's Zach Randolph.

The Juan Carlos Navarro Experience

After the completion of the Grizzlies's second consecutive piss poor season, Spanish guard Juan Carlos Navarro immediately returned to his native Spain.

Immediately.

And why wouldn't he? A free agent this offseason, Navarro has been roundly stiffed by Memphis, who have managed to mismanage his situation rather spectacularly, in the way that only they know how. Let's recap:


1: Memphis traded a protected first rounder to Washington for the draft rights to Navarro.

2: They then sign Darko Milicic to a big deal, taking up most of their cap space..

3: Then, the Grizzlies completely inexplicably sign Casey Jacobsen and Andre Brown to minimum salary deals before completing negotiations with Navarro, as well as sign Mike Conley to his rookie deal (thus making his cap number 120% of the scale, not the 100% that was billed before he signed.)

As a result, they were left with only just above the minimum left from their cap room to give Navarro ($538,050), after he had already sealed his buyout with Barcelona. Navarro, as a result, had to take the only offer that Memphis could give him - one made unnecessarily piss poor by those stupid and inconsequential Jacobsen and Brown signings - and wound up playing for an overall financial loss last season.

Memphis then sucked gargantuan ass all year, and also traded away Juan's mate, Pau Gasol.

In the end, Navarro left Europe to come to the NBA, where he was treated with less money, less minutes, less acclaim, less wins, and less friends than he had just left his native country for.

So no, I shouldn't imagine that he's entirely sold on the idea of coming back.

Good ol' Memphis. They handled this well. They're a fine organisation at heart.



(But seriously: Casey Jacobsen???)

Game of the week number 2: Grizzlies vs Blazers

Bit late, but, whatever. I was busy. The game took place many days ago now, but dammit, I had taken all the notes and so I had to write them up, even if no one now cares. So here they are.


- It is partly a coincidence that I have the Blazers picked for the second straight week, but partly planned. This seemed like the most appetising game on the menu featuring two of my favourite teams, with youg talent oozing out of every orifice and the chance to get a fresh Casey Jacobsen fix. Win, lose or draw, I'm determined to enjoy myself. And given that I have mancrushes on about 20 of the players on show tonight, that should happen without me forcing it too much.

- Extremely early on, Mike Miller makes a sexy looking finger roll, and I'm happy. I think you should know that the excellence of Mike Miller is going to be a theme in this post, in spite of the fact that he played quite badly. Brian Cardinal will also feature heavily. Leave now if this offends you. By the way, my man crushes aren't exclusive to white people, as you will soon see.

- Damon Stoudamire is starting for the Grizzlies to begin this season, despite the two players behind him - Kyle Lowry and Mike Conley - being way better than him. It's an obvious showcase situation that just might work, for Damon looks to have a pep in his step that hasn't been seen since the day he put up 54 points and 0 rebounds as a Blazers. Hurtling towards 35, with 12 years of experience and some knee surgeries behind him, Damon looks to be catching a second wind of sorts. And that's a good thing. There will probably now be a trade made with him at the deadline. Quietly, I'm hoping that Boston is interested. It's not especially likely, but there's a chance that it could happen. And this might mean that Brian Cardinal and Brian Scalabrine wind up on the same team at the same time. Get excited, Memphis.

- Channing Frye, starting tonight for Portland, hits a 22 foot jumpshot. Two possessions later, he airballs a hookshot. I don't want to say Malik Allen, but he's headed that way, and it's depressing. He has so much more than that.

- In a high energy start to the game (which I was hoping for), there's a lot of coast to coastage going on. Martell Webster misses an easy fastbreak layup, the ball is down the other end of the court within about half a second, and Rudy Gay crushes home a dunk just like Webster should have done. This causes Blazers colour commentator Mike Rice to utter his first stupid comment of the day, remarking that Gay looked Pippen-like on that finish. Easy there, Mike. It was only an uncontested dunk.

- People have to stop calling Pau Gasol soft, you know. Half of his offensive possesions involve catching the ball at the elbow and clattering his way wildly towards the hoop, drawing fouls. That's not soft. It's ugly and a bit clumsy, but it's not soft. And it works. Let's disband the myth.

- Mike Rice calls Darko Milicic "Millisits", twice. More to follow.

- In what is currently a swishfest, Webster and Frye hit jumpshots as Portland takes a 9-6 lead, On another breakaway, Rudy Gay airballs a layup. Mike Rice doesn't mention Scottie Pippen this time.

- A few possessions later, Gay spins from the top, hangs in the air, hits the foul line jumpshot and draws a foul. Rice describes it as a "H.O.R.S.E. shot from the YMCA!". I only have one question - what actually IS a YMCA? I'm not very worldly, you see. I'm also highly influenced and seem to believe it's something to do with gay cowboys. Please help set me straight.

- Mike Rice just called Millisits "Darko". Good move. Probably best to put that whole surname thing to bed.

- I think I've found a reason why Memphis loses. They run very hard one way, and waddle the other. Yeah, that needs fixing.

- Portland head coach Nate McMillan is sporting a rakish if somewhat brave tie. Hats off to him. There's no need for the stoicism provided by most ties. Be daring. It's not a huge statement, but it's something.

- LaMarcus Aldridge blocks a Stoudamire layup attempt, caushing play by play commentator Mike Barrett to shout "don't bring that into LaMarcus Aldridge country". Unfortunately, he didn't say that, as he got distracted and tailed off towards the end, missing a syllable. You can guess which,

- Fresh from his Darko Millisits magic, Rice follows up by calling Gasol "Paul", which is something that I thought the whole NBA world had gotten over about 4 years ago. I sigh at this point.

- Marc Iavaroni has a hell of a forehead on him, it has to be said. He also has something of a profound neck going on there, and it's a good combination, even if it does make him look a bit like a librarian. Incidentally, speaking of awesome coaches foreheads, come join in the fun that is the "Draw things on Scott Skiles's forehead game. It's childish, but so am I.

- I love Mike Miller. But I don't think matching him up against Brandon Roy is going to be especially fair here. I hope I'm wrong.

- It's just occured to me that the arena in which Portland play is the Rose Garden, and that Lynn Anderson sung about such a thing all those years ago. So I've finally made the connection that the rest of the free world made about 25 years ago. Hooray!!

- Memphis is running a lot of post-up plays for Millisits, and three times already, Darko has gone left and made short hook shots. Why do so many post defenders let left handed players go left with ease? It made Othella Harrington's entire career, dammit. At some point you need to train yourself to know what's coming.

- Pau Gasol eats Aldridge alive on the defensive end, as LaMarcus doesn't challenge the shot in any way, but does manage to foul. For all of Aldridge's improved offense, this isn't the first time recently that his head isn't into it on defense. It's a shame because he's good at it. I hope he doesn't become like Rasheed Wallace. And the whole of Portland is probably hoping that too.

- In my notes, I have written down how Jarrett Jack has come into the game and gone straight to the shooting guard position with Brandon Roy running the point guard duties. However, in my rushed short hand, I've written only "Jack off", which needed to be shared. Thank God Rudy Gay's name wasn't in that note.

- This game is still fun. With three minutes lin the first, Memphis is leading 24-21. It's pretty fast stuff.

- Ghostface Przybilla checks into the game as McMillan tries to find a way of stopping Milicic and Gasol, who have scored freely inside. So that's now three of my favourite players of all time on the floor at once, with Miller, Gasol and Przybilla out there.

- Speaking of, in comes Casey Jacobsen. Awesome.

- Barrett reads out the stat that 22 of Memphis's first 26 points have come from in the paint, and you haven't needed to be watching very hard to believe him. Things have been rather pourous in there. Straight away after Przybilla enters the game, Mike Miller shoots a three and misses. Yeah, you're right to to be scared, Mike.

- Darko goes for another left handed hook, and misses qutie short on it. He was defended on the play by Joel Przybilla (obviously), whose strength and general brilliance made Darko take the shot from about 3 or 4 feet away from where he shot his earlier ones that he made. It's fair to say that Joel Przybilla is a game changer.

- Roy shoots a fadeaway, and misses, but the Blazers get the offensive rebound. I'll let you guess who did it. CLUE = It rhymes with Noel Przykilla.

- Does referee Jimmy Clark dye his hair or his eyebrows?


- Going up for a dunk, Przybilla gets partially blocked, and gets the ball wedged between the rim and the backboard. Strength, tenacity, persistence, ineptitude. The total Przybilla package, all yours for only $6 million a year. I want one.

- A three possession run sees Przybilla grab an offensive rebound, block a shot by Mike Conley, then grab another offensive rebound. I appreciate that the Przybilla talk may be getting annoying, but right now he's dominating this entire game and it's hard to not talk about him. I need a suitable distraction.

- Ah, there's one. Kyle Lowry enters the game. I'm a massive fan of Kyle Lowry, as everybody should be. He's the next Jason Kidd. Bollocks to Mike Conley. This now means that Memphis is sporting the perimeter trio of Lowry, Jacobsen and Miller, which makes me a truly happy bunny.

- Mike Barrett reminds us all that tonight is Greg Oden bobblehead night. Hmmm. Maybe they should have rescheduled that.

- During an advert break, an advert for Adidas or whoever it was comes on, and Dwyane Wade comes on, looking moody, then shouts "Der-WAAAAAAAYNE, WADE". I'm not sure how this helped advertise the product, nor how anyone could find it enthralling or otherwise. But hey ho, I'm just a cynical bastard.

- The same advert break cuts back just in time for us viewers to catch the last few seconds of the Dunking Elvises (Elvii?) trampoline spectacular slamball thing. It was awesome. I'd watch about an hour of that and the grin on my face would never waver. Make it an all-star event. Make the competitors wear fancy dress. Do this now.

- Memphis scores 6 quick points to stretch the lead out to 32-23. And at this point I've just noticed that Mike Conley, Tarence Kinsey, Hakim Warrick (injured) and Brian Cardinal aren't in the game, and haven't been at any point. Memphis, if you need help in rehoming any of those 4, get me a job as an NBA GM and I'll gladly assist.

- Mike Rice called Hakim Warrick "War Wig". There's plenty more from The Mike Rice Show to come, but as you may have gathered, I'm not a fan. This is because he is crap.

- Pau Gasol has 17 of Memphis's 32 points, coming on 8-9 shooting. I say this only to re-emphasis how sloppy Portland's interior defense has been so far. Paul is repeatedly going at Aldridge, and winning. Concern.

- Hey, Tarence Kinsey is in! Cool. I like Kinsey. But if any two players were going to get in ahead of him, then I'm glad it was Jacobsen and Miller.

- A Memphis offensive possession sees Casey Jacobsen stand in the corner with his arms up for 12 seconds, then running back on defense. This is why I love Casey Jacobsen and his one dimensional genius. He looked genuinely upset that he didn't get to shoot.

- Kyle Lowry is the next Jason Kidd. I've mentioned this before and I'll mention it again.

- As much as I like Mike Miller, he really could use a more heterosexual choice of headband.

- Right on cue, Mike Miller goes to posterise Joel Przybilla, going up strong for the dunk. There can only be one winner. And naturally, it's Joel Przybilla, as he meets Mikey at the top and blocks the ball away. A part of me dies watching this, but again, as above - if Miller's going to lose out to someone, then it would have to be Przybilla. It makes it all right.

- Memphis assistant coach Johnny Davis looks like the result of one of those image morphing websites, With this in mind, I used one such program and tried to restore Davis's head to that of a normal person. The results were, um, staggering.

Before:



After:


It didn't need to be done, but it has been, and it was educational.

- Memphis leads 40-28 at this moment, with only one turnover. They're playing crisply on offense and Portland is doing little about this, particularly on the inside as we have already covered. Annoyingly, Mike Rice is using every opportunity possible to spew forth bilious hate towards the rookie referee in charge of this game, whose name he chooses not to use, instead running with the term "the rookie ref". Rice seems to believe that all his calls are to be questioned because of who he is, and that he isn't worthy to call a foul on a Portland player. It's very annoying to say the least, and it's going to feature in upcoming stanzas. So read on, loyal viewer.

- Joel Przybilla blocks a Darko Milicic dunk. Like any other eventually was even possible.

- Mike Miller commits a foul, and protests it. Mike Barrett mentions how Mike Miller has "never committed a foul [in his own mind]", and Mike Rice likened Mike Miller's complaining to that of Tim "Mike" Duncan. This post isn't necessary, I just wanted to say Mike a lot. Mike Mikey Mike Mike.

- Conley enters the game, upping the Mike tally one further. Bizarrely but not exepectedly, he goes straight into the backcourt alongside Mike Lowry, who stays in the game. This has to make you think - despite Lowry being far from a sure thing, especially after such a short run last season, it's obvious to anyone that he's really good. He's a point guard of the future calibre prospect for this team. So why then did they draft another one at 4 this year, even if Mike Conley is really good? Do they foresee a situation in which the two can play a lot alongside each other, or do they want a T.J. Ford/Jose Calderon thing going on? Neither of those scenarios would be bad, but they aren't necessarily optimum use of assets. So we'll see how this plays out.

- Immediately, Conley breaks a full court press, glides past the defense (if that's what it's called) of Steve Blake, and draws an and-1 on Przybilla. Maybe that's why they drafted him, then.

- The rookie referee calls LaMarcus Aldridge for hooking as he made his move down low. Instantly, Mike Rice once again calls into question this referee's tenacity and reasons for being alive, condemning him spitefully and mercilessly. He ignores, of course, that it was actually a foul.

- Sideline reporter Rebecca Haarlow - who may or may not be fit, she's too silhouetted to really see - interviews the wife of Darius Miles about her upcoming child birth. In response to Haarlow's question of "what are you doing to get ready?", Brandi Miles replies "Praying", which seems odd. But it's not as odd as the Blazers actually acknowledging that Miles is still a part of the organisation. I can't say I saw that coming.

- LaMarcus Aldridge commits a charge on Kyle Lowry, but the charging foul is not called. Replays clearly show that it was a missed call by the referee, who just so happens to be the immortal "rookie ref". However, since this no-call went Portland's way, Mike Rice chooses to overlook his nemesis's decision this time. Quel suprise.

- Mike Conley penetrates the lane and kicks out to Kyle Lowry, who hits a three.

- Kyle Lowry penetrates the lane and kicks out to Mike Conley, who hits a three. Yeah, I always knew this pairing would work out. Memphis leads 57-43. At this moment, Casey Jacobsen subs in, clearly in it for some three point shooting while the getting's good.

- Mike Rice calls Darko Millisits "Millishits". I'd like that to have been Freudian, but it wasn't. He's just bad at commentating.

- Mike Conley continues to destroy Steve Blake, which is more of a damning statement about Blake than it is an endorsement for Conley. Sitll, he looks good.

- It's now halftime, Memphis are leading 61-49, and I opt to enjoy one of the major advantages of taped delayed games - I skip straight to the second half, ignoring the tedious half time show. Yup.

- Damon Stoudamire is back out on the floor to start the second half, and Mike Rice is quick to congratulate him on being Damon Stoudamire. He calls him "Super Mouse", "one of my favourites", and a man who "knows everything about the game, like Danny Ainge". Make your own jokes here. I'll just roll my eyes at the Super Mouse thing.

- Steve Blake, would you PLEASE let Brandon Roy touch the ball? I know you're officially the point guard, but Roy is a better one of those than you are.

- Channing Frye is also back into the game, and he airballs a layup after expecting to draw contact that never came. Thw window is closing on this guy, I tell you.

- On another post move, Darko Milicic finally goes right. It's an alien concept to him, and he travels.

- Mike Barrett makes a good point - is Mike Miller shutting down Brandon Roy? Roy certainly hasn't done much yet, and Miller has chased him relentlessly off the ball, showing unusually good lateral quickness. So maybe he is shutting him down. Or maybe Steve Blake is shutting Roy down. Or maybe Roy's just doing his first half passiveness routine. Or all three.

- Super Mouse successfully runs a pick and roll with Millishits, who dunks the ball. While running back on defense, he inexplicably slaps himself in the face. I can only think that this was a Darius Miles shoutout that went a bit wrong.

- The Blazers are running some kind of promotion called the Steal Of The Game or something, in which you buy tickets for 10 games, get an 11th one free, and also get two free basketballs. Something like that, anyway. As Barrett reads out the scripted promotion speech for about the third time tonight, Rice randomly intercepts with the sentence "did you see what 'Sheed in Detroit the other night?". Barrett politely answers "yes", then continues with the rest of the speech. Barrett is a competent if not great announcer, but Mike Rice is making him look wonderful, beause of how bad Rice himself is. It's the ol' Joe Morgan and Jon Miller scenario in an NBA setting.

- It feels like only 5 years ago that Raef LaFrentz was a valued commodity and one of the league's best young centers. This is because it was. Capable of 5 blocks and 5 three pointers in any given night, LaFrentz was hot shit, , even if he couldn't stay healthy. And yet now, not far down the line, the injuries have caught up with him and he's left as an incredibly expensive DNP-CD machine. Upsetting, really. I like the fella. And he also looks like the drummer out of Scouting For Girls, a band that you've never heard of, but who I'm publicising because I'm their friend and because I can. Buy their stuff. Do it now. And tell your friends.

- Brandon Roy steals the ball on back to back possessions, both of which lead to baskets. On the first trip he leads the break, and on the second he finishes it. This leads to Mike Barrett reading out the rather amazing statistic (if I heard him correctly) that Portland had only 3 steals all season up until tonight. That's such an anomaly that I might have simply misheard him. Naturally, I couldn't be arsed to look it up and be sure.

- Both of those steals came on errant passes from the high post by Pau Gasol, who then throws it away on a third straight possession before being bailed out by a foul call on Webster, the pass intercepter. Why Memphis is suddenly giving it to Pau in the high post, where he can't do much, instead of feeding him in the low post where he did so much damage earlier, is a bloody good question that no one seems to have asked. Memphis still leads, but the lead is cut to 63-59, and Portland has momentum.

- After a Steve Blake turnover, Mike Miller is blocked again on the ensuing break, this time by Webster. It leads to a fastbreak going the other way, which LaMarcus Aldridge finishes with an and-1. The momentum is still very much with Portland, and Brandon Roy is starting to take over the game, collapsing the defense at will and running the entire offense to great effect. Just one question - where was this in the first half?

- Mike Rice calls Kyle Lowry "Kyle Lorry". It's not an accent thing. He just can't say any names, it appears.

- Pau Gasol goes to the bench with 4 fouls. This is a good thing, because in comes Brian Cardinal. Woohooooo!! The run-stopper himself.

- Incdientally, while looking up the other day any nicknames Mike Miller may have, the only one that I could find for him was "Skinny". It's pretty apparent why he doesn't go by this any more, so we need to find Miller a new nickname. Apply within.

- Stromile Swift is also in, and almost immediately commits a turnover. People need to end the comparisons with him and Tyrus Thomas - apart from being athletic and from LSU, there's basically nothing to it. When Stromile can pass and dribble like Tyrus, let me know. Portland scores on the subsequent possession, and it's a one point game.

- At this point, Brian Cardinal takes and makes a no-doubt three from the corner. I told you he was a run stopper.

- On a post up, Cardinal goes to take the charge on Aldridge, falls, but doesn't get a call. Aldridge jumps over him, dunks, and then taunts the stricken Cardinal. Be careful there, champ. Brian Cardinals lash out when they get angry, and they can be a very volatile beast.

- Speaking of LaMarcus Aldridge, he's scoring a lot tonight, but a lot of it comes from opportunity baskets. This isn't a bad thing, for it shows good all around offense on Portland's part, particularly by Brandon Roy and good instincts of Aldridge's part. It's just worth nothing. He's continuing to prove, though, that he isn't nearly the one dimensional jumpshooting offensive player that his haters seem to pigeon hole him has. Basically I'm saying that he's not Channing Frye.

- On a call regarding the possession arrow after a strip, the rookie referee overrules the white-headed-dark-eyebrowed Jimmy Clark, giving possession to Portland instead of Memphis. Replays show that the rook was righ tto do this, as Clark got the call wrong. So, does Mike Rice credit the rookie ref, given that he achiueve the unlikely triple headeer of getting the call right, having the balls to overrule the old timer, and also give a decision in Portland's favour? Does he bollocks. Instead, he credits Clark for letting the rook overrule him. Sometimes you have to wonder if Rice believes in this misguided inflexible referee hierarchy thing that he seems to have invented. It sure looks that way.

- Mike Rice then promptly calls Steve Blake "Steve Beck". I'm picking a lot on Mike Rice here, but it's impossible not to. To coin a phrase, he's fucking shite.

- Stromile Swift does one of those statement blocks where instead of simply catching the ball or caroming it to a team mate, he swats it into the first row, allowing Portland to regain possession. Old dog, new tricks, and all that jazz.

- Travis Outlaw, quiet thus far, makes a nice finish on the break, also getting a foul shot courtesy of a Brian Cardinal foul. Mike Rice compares the finish by Outlaw to Jerry West. The comparison is valid, given that they have had similar careers. Well, sorta. One is on the NBA Logo recognised by millions and weas thie shit both as a player and a GM, and one backs up Channing Frye. But essentially they are equals.

-

Not sure what I was trying to say here.

By the way, you know how women seem to love it when men have good handwriting? Well, I'm single. I think my handwriting reflects this.

- I truly appreciate Jarrett Jack's eyebrows. That is all.

- Stromile Swift commits an offensive foul as Przybilla takes charge. Mike Rice chooses that moment to heavily compliment the rookie ref for making the call. Wow. That was unexpected.

- On the ensuing possession, the rookie ref calls Travis Outlaw for a travel. Rice's comment: "I thought he [the ref] was improving". Again, the fact that the correct call was made gets overlooked. And I really don't think Rice said that with any hint of irony in his voice.

- We're treated to more Dunking Elvis action, and I'm still loving it. This should take place in the backround at all games at all times. I'm sold.

- Mike Rice asks the players of both teams to "bump and grind more". 'K.

- Cardinal turns down a wide (as in wiiiiiiiiide) open three, favouring the one-pass-too-many option instead. Apparently Brian Cardinals as a species don't get angry after all, but rather, they curl up into a ball like hedgehogs and wither. That's a shame.

- Darko Milicic is fouled on a missed layup, his fifth missed layup/dunk of the night. Mike Barrett - not deadpanning, just incorrect - mentions that Milicic has "been playing well tonight". A rare slip from Barrett, who is still being elevated to legendary status purely because of the inane sod next to him.

- This is the first game I've ever watched Mike Conley play. And I think I've gotten a pretty accurate scouting report on him - he's going left. Always.

- The game is tied at 79 after a Martell Webster three, one opened up from Brandon Roy once again collapsing the defense. Part way through last season, there were rumours about Brandon Roy playing point guard full time. These rumours were quickly shot down, and the signing of Steve Blake to go with Jarrett Jack and Sergio Rodriguez, as well as the drafting of Petteri Koponen and Taurean Green, seem to support the idea that it's not going to happen. However, given how good he is at it, it bloody well should. Or at least, they should bring in a high quality shooter and good defnsive player to play alongside him. Beck isn't it, and while Jack might be one day, he probably won't be. Ideas on a postcard please.

- Mike Rice double whammy - after Martell Grand National makes a defensive stop, Rice says "one time, you could make that play against Martell Webster, but not now in 207", and then calls Kyle Lowry "Lorry" for the second time. Both are seemingly meaningless slip-ups, but they are part of a long pattern of cock-ups that Rice has produced tonight. It's made weirder by the way that 8 words after calling him Lorry, and still in the same sentence, Rice manages to then get his name right. Strange times.

- I swear to God "Dude Looks Like A Lady" just played when Mike Miller was shooting a free throw.

- Mike Barrett comment during a Milicic miss - "inside to Darko, who hasn't scored in.....a couple of years". See, Mike Rice, that's how it's done. With good flow, correct names and some articulation, Barrett has managed to both make a funny and undo his previous mistake. Learn from this, and spend more than 8 seconds on your pre-game notes. If you took any.

- Darko is subbed out for Gasol, and pounds his chest on the way to the bench. This, plus the face slappage thing, make me believe that he's a bit of a masochist. Kinky.

- Straight away after the 4 foul Gasol re-enters, Portland goes straight at him, and LaMarcus Aldridge goes up with the left hand and finishes over him. Portland now leads 86-84 after trailing for most of the game, and they have nullified any consistent Memphis threat in the second half. Memphis haven't really had a plan, which hasn't helped. They've also slowed the pace right down after the earlier high tempo game was working for them, and this has played into Portland's hands. A Jarrett Jack three pointer makes it 89-84 to Portland.

- At this moment, the rookie referee calls an offensive three second violation on a Memphis player whose name I forgot to write down. Mike Rice treats this call with utter disdain, exclaiming "how can he call that?!?!?", citing the close end-game circumstance as his defense. He may have the vague outlines of a point had the offensive player not been there for nearer 14 seconds than three. Rice's hate for the rookie is renewed, as is mine for Rice. By the way, when I was aged 5, I ate a plate of rice and cabbage one day at school, and was then sick over my plate. I haven't deliberately eaten rice or cabbage since. True story. Dull story.

- "It must the the fourth quarter, for Brandon Roy has the ball in the middle". This observation by one of the Mike's At The Mikes is accurate, yet irritating - it doesn't need to be this way. Roy drives the lane, scores the bucket and a foul on Pau, misses the free throw, grabs his own offensive rebound, and makes a jumpshot from the wing. In case I haven't mentioned this before, Brandon Roy is the shit. Not shit, but THE shit.

- Jarrett Jack is having a good fourth quarter, and is now up to 14 points for the game after making a tough banker. I don't get why people underrate him so much, or why Portland seems so set to replace him. He's a nice player to have. Portland leads 95-90.

- Both teams have gone away from any kind of offensive strategy, and Brandon Roy and Roy gay take it in turns to isolate on every possession. Gay is quietly having a teriffic night with 30 points, but Portland has Roy, the edge, the home crowd and the momentum. Despite it being a close game with time left, you can't foresee Memphis winning it any more. Portland has just stepped up and taken it.

- On cue, Kyle Lowry grabs an offensive rebound and makes a putback with an and-1 possibility. Rice calls him "Mr Two Possession", the first Rice comment that I've agreed with. Watch Kyle Lowry destroy Dave Berri's Wages Of Wins ranking next season. It's going to happen.

- Jarrett Jack makes another three. Memphis has resumed a running game, pushing the ball on Portland makes like they did early to great effect, but it's a bit futile now, as Portland takes an insurmountable lead. Jack follows up his three with his third circus layup of the game, although it is wrongly waved off in favour of two free throws, both of which he makes.

- The final minute of the game is a free throw shooting contest, as Memphis tries in vain to close a near double digit Portland lead. Kyle Lowry misses two free throws as Portland makes theirs, helped out by a lane violation by a Memphis player with 22 seconds left (Mike Rice doesn't question the call, obviously). Portland closes out the game in a professional taking-care-of-business kind of way, and the better team won. The talent on show in this game was awesome, but Portland are that much further along in their development.

It's a game which, if you didn't watch it, you should have done. These two teams won't compete for anything this year, but they are two of the best young lineups in the league, both of whom know how to get out and run, making for exciting basketball. The fact that so many of my favourite white stiffs were on show as well was always a bonus. The game had something for everybody, and everything for somebody.

That somebody was me. I had a great time. I'd better go and write week three's game now.

30 teams in 36 or so days: Memphis

Players acquired via free agency or trade:

Andre Brown (one year minimum)
Casey Jacobsen (one year minimum)
Darko Milicic (3 years, $21.06 million)
Juan Carlos Navarro (rights acquired from Washington, signed for 1 year slightly above minimum)



Players acquired via draft:

First round: Mike Conley Jr (4th overall)
Second round: None



Players retained:

Tarence Kinsey (exercised team option)



Players departed:

Dahntay Jones (signed with Boston)
Chucky Atkins (signed with Denver)
Lawrence Roberts (signed in Greece)
Junior Harrington (unsigned)
Alexander Johnson (waived, signed with Miami)



Bobbins:

Only 3 years ago, the Memphis Grizzlies surprised everybody (except me, and I can prove it in court) by winning 50 games in a season and making the playoffs, this ending the franchise's entirely fruitless history up until that point. That year saw a lineup of General Manager Jerry West, head coach Hubie Brown getting his first full season with the team, and a 10 man rotation every night featuring some of my favourite players of all time (except Posey): Jason Williams, Earl Watson, Mike the Miller, James BOOOOOOOO! Posey, Bonzi Wells, Shane Christ-Battier, POW! Gasol, BO! Outlaw, Lorenzen Wright and Stromile Swift, with Jake Tsakalidis as the 11th man.

Frickin' awesome, it was.

Now, apart from Pau Gasol and Mike Miller (and also Stromile Swift, who left but came back), it's all change. From West to Watson via Brown and Bo, all of the above starlets have left the franchise, apart from those that haven't.

The 10 man rotation was partly to blame. Despite its awesomeness, it led to alleged locker room discontent from those who felt slighted by the limited minues that it gave them (namely Williams, Posey and Wells, although it also led to Stromile Swift signing with Houston). That discontent led to Hubie Brown resigning, and some players moves to be made over the course of the offseason and following season. Williams and Posey were dealt to Miami for Eddie Jones (a man who would never complain), and Bonzi Wells went to the Kings for backup guard Bobby Jackson. Watson and Swift were allowed to sign elsewhere, and Bo Outlaw was unexpectedly waived so that the team could keep Ryan Humphrey, a complete scrub of a forward who went on to achieve absolutely nothing. Battier was traded to Houston in June 2006, and just like that, most of the 10 man team had been disbanded.

With it went the Grizzlies playoff days.

Last season saw the Grizzlies finish with the worst record in the NBA. Largely due to the broken foot sustained by superstar Pau Gasol, the Grizzlies also had some coaching drama, firing Mike Fratello shortly after Christmas. His replacement, the wonderfully named and wonderfully tailored Tony Barone, didn't so much coach the team, as he did the opposite. From the slow paced micromanaging of Fratello, Memphis transformed almost overnight into a high tempo running team, averaging 105.7 points per game for the final 52 games of the under Barone. It didn't help them win any more, though, and neither did the return of Gasol, as Memphis limped to a 22 win season (or perhaps, it's best called a 60 loss season).

The only way to make that worse would be to finish 4th in the draft, the worst position that Memphis could have. They achieved this, if that's the right way to phrase it, missing out on Greg Oden and Kevin Durant, and drafted Mike Conley instead.

So in the end, all that losing was all for nought. Well, not for nought, but that's how it must have felt after a long, slow season of futility. A bit like walking six miles home, in the rain, just to find that you're locked out anyway. You can break into next door's garage and sleep there for the night, but it's not going to suffice, and you're not going to be a happy bunny. And your neighbours will probably be pretty fucked off with you too.



Contrary to how I've outlined it above, though, it's really not that bad of a situation in Memphis right now. New GM Chris Wallace's highly unsuccessful tenure in Boston was punctuated by his massively crap trade for former All Star and alcoholic Vin Baker, a trade whose ramifications ended only this summer, when Boston could finally stop paying him. Having seemingly learnt from that mistake, Wallace decided to spend Memphis's cap space this summer on Darko Milicic, a young talented big, rather than going balls out to sign someone like Stanislav Medvedenko (and don't think he couldn't do it, either). In addition to this, the Grizzlies traded a future first round draft choice to Washington for the rights to Juan Carlos Navarro, whom they then signed to a one year contract. This move, plus the drafting of Conley and the return from injury of Kyle Lowry, gives Damon Stoudamire a new reason to gripe, but more importantly it gives Memphis a decent guard rotation, something which they did not have last year. You can tell if a team has a good guard rotation or not by looking to see whether they have Junior Harrington on their roster. If yes, then that team does not have a good guard rotation.

Why they decided to sign Casey Jacobsen and Andre Brown prior to signing Navarro, severly limiting the amount of money they could give him (and therefore the number of years - Navarro's actually losing money this season after paying his buyout, which is why he signed for only one year), I'll never know. If they hadn't done so, they probably wouldn't be looking at having to spend part of all of their MLE next year on just keeping Navarro. In fact, why they waived Alexander Johnson just to replace him with Brown in the first place is also a mystery. But, you know, whatever.




Next season:

The additions of Milicic, Conley and Navarro add to a young core which already featured the harshly named Rudy Gay, the immensely decent (until his wrist broke) Kyle Lowry, the valuable if limited Hakim Warrick, and last year's surprise Tarence Kinsey. That's not to mention superstar power forward Gasol, and the uber role player himself, Mike Miller.

Memphis has many ingredients for a successful playoff team. They have a talented roster at every position, with plenty of offensive talent, improved if still poor defense, and more than enough athleticism. But their biggest hole is experience. Recent Memphis teams had successful regular seasons and made the playoffs, but the franchise has never won a playoff game in 12 years. Indeed, all the players on the roster have only won a combined 56 playoff games, with only 7 playoff series won between them. Mike Miller has won 2 playoff games, Damon Stoudamire has won 21 games and 4 series, Jacobsen 2 games, and Darko Milicic has 31 games and 7 playoff series won. Plus a ring.

Yet, given that Jacobsen didn't play at all in his team's playoff wins, that Milicic played mere garbage time in his entire spell at Detroit, that Miller's lone two playoff wins came 5 and 6 years ago (and also come alongside 18 losses), and that Stoudamire probably won't be with Memphis by the end of the season......it's really not an impressive run down. Especially since they have a rookie head coach.

Still, the Memphis roster has plenty of talent to go along with one of the best inside players in the game, one of the best young coaches in the game (apparently), and the super effing awesomeness of Mike Miller. They also have Brian Cardinal, who I thought I should mention, if only on the basis that I managed to name everybody except him at some point so far. It won't be this season, and maybe not the one after, but barring unforeseen disaster, the Memphis Grizzlies aren't too far away from their former 50 win selves, based on the talent that they have accumulated thus far and should continue to add to. And so maybe THAT'S why they didn't trade Pau Gasol.

Who knows, maybe next time around, they'll win some playoff games as well.

30 teams in 36 or so days: Orlando

Orlando

Players acquired via free agency or trade:

Rashard Lewis (signed and traded from Seattle, 6 years, $112,753,504)
Adonal Foyle (two year minimum)
Marcin Gortat (two year minimum)



Players acquired via draft:

First round: None
Second round: Miroslav Rakovic (60th overall, unsigned)



Players retained:

Keyon Dooling (opted in), Pat Garrity (opted in)



Players departed:

Travis Diener (signed with Indiana), Grant Hill (signed with Phoenix), Darko Milicic (signed with Memphis), Bo Outlaw (unsigned, may yet return)





Bobbins:

In a seven day period in February 2006, first year GM Otis Smith made two trades. One saw the expiring contract of Kelvin Cato and a 2007 first rounder (later parlayed into Rodney Stuckey) dealt to Detroit for Darko Milicic and Carlos Arroyo, and one saw falling star Steve Francis dealt to New York - in a trade only Isiah Thomas could make - for Trevor Ariza and the huge expiring contract of Penny Hardaway.

Within a week, the floundering Magic had been re-invigorated. Since the McGrady/Hill era had failed several years prior, the John Weisbrod era had made the Magic's fortunes worsen further. Managing to do almost everything wrong, Weisbrod saw fit to end the McGrady in Orlando era by dealing him and Juwan Howard to Houston for Francis, Cato and Cuttino Mobley, a trade which vastly improved Houston but which didn't do much for Orlando. Daring and skilled enough to somehow make the situation worse, though, Weisbrod subsequently traded Mobley to Sacramento for Doug Christie, a man who played only 21 games with Orlando, scoring 119 points. And that's not to even mention the Varejao and Gooden for Battie deal with Cleveland that he also rustled up.

Weisbrod then resigned. Which seems fair.

Yet, with these two trades in early 2006, Otis Smith had managed to get some serious value for the two remaining pieces from the McGrady to Houston trade. Able to free himself of Francis's enormous contract and burdensome play (if ever there was such a thing as addition by subtraction, this was it), Smith was setting his team up for big cap space in the summer of '07 after Hill's contract also expired, while also picking up two decent youngsters in Milicic and Ariza. And he obtained all that for peripheral pieces that he didn't want or need.

The situation then got even better almost immediately after these deals. With a 19-34 record after losing on the night of the Francis deal, Orlando won only 1 of their next 7 games, before winning 16 of the following 20. The streak saw the Magic's younger players come into their own - Dwight Howard continued to be really good at stuff, and Jameer Nelson showed some terrific scoring efficiency. Darko Milicic's first halfway decent run of playing time in his NBA career gave him the opportunity to show off what skills he had, and he showed himself to be a gifted shotblocker and talented scorer, even if he couldn't rebound for shit. Carlos Arroyo's first half-season as a Magic player made him look like a useful piece for a young up-and-coming team to have, while Hedo Turkoglu and Tony Battie looked like being good veterans to have around for a more concerted playoff push in 2007. Were it not for a similarly strong finish by the Chicago Bulls, the Magic's terrific end of season run would have gotten them to the playoffs (maybe), quite a turnaround from a team that was as many as 20 games under .500. In 2007, Grant Hill was set to return, and Magic fans were happy.

It should have been so great. It wasn't.

The 2006/07 began brightly enough, with Orlando pushing out to a 13-4 lead. But the injury bug soon bit, as it so often does to the Magic. Battie, Hill, Ariza and Keyon Dooling all got injured, and the Magic were left thin. Carlos Arroyo's brief 2006 flirtation with decency ended quickly, as he regressed back to his ineffectual, what-the-hell-is-a-playbook-and-where-did-I-put-my-jumpshot self. Nelson and Milicic also regressed: Nelson chucked with considerably less efficiency than the previous season, and made no strides with his sub-par running of the offense, and Milicic scuttled about everywhere with a certain air of despondence. Grant Hill got injured, which you'd expect, and his namesake and sister - head coach Brian Hill - proved to be absolutely awful.

The Magic did make the playoffs, doing so with a sub .500 record, but it wasn't worth much - they were quickly swept by the Detroit Pistons.

Still, all was not lost. The Magic still had some young pieces that were still waiting to leave the nest, along with one of the best young superstars in the game in Howard. And with Grant Hill's contract finally expiring, the Magic also had near-max cap room if they chose to use it.

They did. Jesus, did they ever.

It would be very difficult if not impossible to provide a commentary on the Rashard Lewis sign-and-trade while also managing to take an interesting or unique viewpoint, or to say anything that hasn't already been said. So I won't. But I will recommend that you look at the figure that he signed for (listed above), and think long and hard about whether he is worth it. And if you come up with any answer other than "no", keep looking at it until you do. In 2013, a 33 year old Rashard Lewis is going to be being paid nearly $22.7 million. It's freakin' bizarre. Or freakin' stupid, pick your own adjective. Both work.

The move was made just that much more baffling when looked at in addition to quotes by Otis Smith before the start of the summer, on how he intended to obtain a much needed scorer for the Magic while also having the resources and cap management to be able to keep the younger talent (namely, Darko Milicic). Smith's response was that it would involve some "creative financing". And in a sense, he was true to his word - Roget's thesaurus shows that "creative" has a synonym of "original". And the Rashard Lewis deal was most certainly original, if nothing else.

In obtaining Lewis, the Magic have wildly overpaid, but also lost some talent. Restricted free agents Darko Milicic and Travis Diener were renounced in order to bring in Lewis, and despite the apparent efforts of Smith, Seattle could not be persuaded to take back any salary from Orlando, meaning that all their cap space went on one player.

So now, ask yourselves whether the trio of Hill, Milicic and Diener (who should, without a doubt, have played over Carlos Arroyo all of last season, and who is now nicely lined up for a breakout season) is going to help any more than Rashard Lewis on his own. It's a tough answer, but either way, the Magic's player personel did not improve much. If at all.

It was a situation that could well have been avoided had Tony Battie not been given an extremely presumptuous extension back in March 2006, and had the unnecessary signing of Keith Bogans not taken place. Those two players combined for a $7.64 million cap hit this summer, whereas Milicic and Diener signed for a combined $8 million. Which duo would you rather have?

(Oh, and there was also the Billy Donovan fiasco, but we'll say no more about that. Embarassing, but not debilitating.)

In the interests of fairness, I should mention the acquisitions of Adonal Foyle and Marcin Gortat.

There, I've mentioned them.




Next season:

Given that things didn't exactly pan out ideally in the free agent market, and without any players from the draft to speak of, a large part of the Magic's future success rests on the shoulders of new head coach, Stan Van Gundy. And I promise you that this next stanza will include no references to Ron Jeremy.

By not being Brian Hill, Van Gundy has already improved the Magic's coaching situation. But if he can find a way to improve on Hill's rotations (and it shouldn't be that hard. Here's a starting point - play Redick. He has his flaws, but he's not Keith Bogans. That's a big plus), and offensive sets (don't just force feed Dwight Howard. Get him touches, but don't go to him every time down. Mix up your plays, and let things flow somewhat. Especially when Jameer Nelson is your point guard), then things will be looking up. It would also be a big help if Van Gundy is somehow able to not completely alienate himself from the players and to preside over something other than an irrepairably sour locker room, things that Brian Hill reportedly could not achieve.

Additionally, a lot depends on the play of Jameer Nelson. After a down year last season, tragedy struck this offseason when his father died in an accidental drowning incident. How this affects Nelson remains to be seen, but will soon be known. There are traditionally two ways to go here: one would be to become demotivated, á lá Michael Sweetney. The other way to be to take that adversity and build upon it to make himself a better player.

The Magic need the second one.

Last season's mediocre performance suggests that the good run to end the 2005/06 season was nothing more than an aberration. With better coaching and better performance this season, the Magic have the opportunity to show that it was last season that was the anomaly instead. If Orlando gets breakout performances from one or perhaps a couple of young players (specifically looking in the directions of Jameer Nelson and J.J. Redick), they could contend for the open Southeast Division title.

Perhaps a more realistic expectation, though, would be for a low playoff seed once again. The Magic's talent level is not yet comparable to that of the East's elite teams. Peripheral players Arroyo, Dooling and Garrity combine for roughly $11.4 million of expiring contracts this offseason. The Magic would do well to capitalise on that. For they could use a further big infusion of quality. They didn't get one this season, yet so badly need one to rejoin the top of the East.

A stopgap season then, if you will.