Where Are They Now, 2009; Part 39

Each of these takes about 90 minutes to write. We're now on entry number 39. That means that I've spent roughly 60 hours over these past 6 weeks writing updates on the careers of assorted insignificant basketball players. That's kind of impressive, and kind of pathetic. Oh well. Only 30 hours left.

- Smush Parker started the season in the D-League, averaging 17.3 points, 4.5 rebounds, 7.5 assists and an almighty 5.1 turnovers per game for the Rio Grande Valley Vipers. He then pissed off to China, where he may have become literally the only American import whose numbers went down in the CBA. Parker averages 13.3 points, 4.9 rebounds, 4.0 assists and 3.2 steals for Guandong, numbers that are pretty unimpressive in purely relative terms. Luckily for Smush, I don't know his Chinese turnover numbers.

- I don't know what Cherokee Parks does now, but his sister Corey is no longer the bass player for seminal hard rock band Nashville Pussy, and hasn't been for about 8 years. Another really useful update for you here. Be grateful.

- Marlon Parmer spent some time earlier this season playing backup point guard for the Colorado 14ers, averaging 8.0 points and 3.6 assists, but was waived in January and has not signed elsewhere since.

- Ruben Patterson hasn't had a great couple of years. After a career year with the Bucks in the final year of his big contract, all Ruben could manage for the 2007/08 season was an unguaranteed minimum salary contract with the Clippers. He was then waived before the contract guarantee date, and didn't catch on with a playoff team. Patterson then joined the Nuggets for preseason this year, but never really had a legitimate shot at making the team, as the cost-cutting Nuggets didn't really want any of their five signings (despite having two open roster spots) because it would mean spending money to keep them. Patterson was subsequently waived, and hasn't signed elsewhere since, after a rumoured move to Spain didn't come off. Will he catch on with a playoff team for this deadline? Who knows. The Celtics, amongst others, could use him. But they won't have roster space once the deal for Stephon Marbury goes down, and for all of Marbury's faults, he's not the registered sex offender that Patterson is. You can't fault a team if they find that to be a severe detriment to signing him. So I'd guess that Ruben goes unsigned, again.

- Andre Patterson averaged 4.2 points and 2.7 rebounds in 10 games for the Reno Bighorns, got waived, then joined up with The Arse, where he currently averages 2.1 points and 2.8 rebounds in 11 games. In those combined 21 games, he has 74 points, 58 rebounds and 47 fouls. Not great.

- Rickey Paulding is with EWE Oldenburg, a German basketball team that also fosters elderley sheep. Paulding averages 14.1 points and 5.0 rebounds in the EuroChallenge for Oldenburg, who are still going strong in the competition, as well as 15.2 points and 4.5 rebounds in German league play. He leads the team in scoring in both competitions.

- Gary Payton is now appearing on NBA TV, where I am informed that he is cringeworthily bad. However, I've never seen him, and thus should not pass judgement. Not that this usually stops me.

- Anthony Peeler last played in December 2005 for Akasvayu Girona in Spain. He is now an assistant coach for Virginia Union University. Did you know that Anthony Peeler collects hats? Me neither, until just now. This is the kind of vital information that I'm committed to bringing you.

- Nikola Pekovic, Timberwolves draft pick this past summer, is with Panathinaikos in Greece. Pecker is averaging 12.1 points and 3.7 rebounds in 17.5 minutes a game in the Euroleague, alongside 11.5 points and 3.3 rebounds in 15.4 minutes per game in the Greek league. Great scoring rate, particularly for a 6'11 player, but work a bit harder on the boards, sir. I read somewhere sometime that the Timberwolves plan on bringing in Peckerwood in the summer of 2010, which in theory gives them a nie young big rotation of Pekovic, Al Jefferson and Kevin Love. But God only knows how that's going to work out on defense.

- Ben Pepper - who never left Oceania, apart from a very brief stint in the ABA at the turn of the century - is currently unsigned, and was for the whole of the past NBL (Australian league) season. I'm assuming he's retired, but can't find any proof of this.

- Finally, Kosta Perovic is averaging 11.2 points and 5.0 rebounds in 19.5 minutes per game for Valeniva in the Eurocup. That's quite good, and a hell of a lot more than Perovic showed with the Warriors last year.

(This entry took less than an hour. Nice. That gives me plenty of time to do other things. I'm now off to precariously balance some big things on top of some smaller things.)

Where Are They Now? Part 28

Greg Ostertag is still retired, and recently got spotted at a Kansas Jayhawks game. This isn't relevant to anything.

Bo Outlaw was waived by the Magic right at the start of the regular season, as a necessary concurrent part of the surprisingly successful Maurice Evans trade. (Maurice Evans! Starter on a playoff team! Glue guy! Good shooter! Who knew! Exclamation!). Since then, Bo has been hired to work in the Magic's community relations department, which is probably a precursor to a more official retirement.

Sticking with the theme of "Crappy Unskilled Magic Big Men", Olumide Oyedeji averaged 18.0 points and 15.2 rebounds for the Liaoning Panpan Hunters in China, the country's second best team. However, for the sake of reference, let it be known that Soumalia Samake averaged 18.2 and 15.2 rebounds. So the competition looks pretty bad.

Also, here's some bonus Olumide Oyedeji information - one of the obscure satellite TV channels over here is called "BEN". I think it is supposed to be a rip-off of the more famous "BET". Either way, all this channel seems to air is home video footage of black people arguing loudly while a TV blares in the background. (BEN seems like the kind of broadcasting ably suited for the role of "TV background noise", so maybe that's why.) At least once a month, they have a show called "Basketball", which does what it promises. A few years ago, this segment used to feature ABA games, which helped hone my knowledge of such basketball pioneers as Ace Custis, Willie (not Wilson) Chandler, and Darryl Dawkins's wardrobe. In recent times, though, they have taken to showing the same game over and over again - Nigeria versus Egypt, from 2004. This game is amusing to watch, which is probably why they air it so much. All of the action is brought to us from the same one camera angle, in a completely empty gym, filled with a strage haze. It's kind of like watching summer league. The Nigerians play the game like it's netball for the entire game, while the Egptians repeatedly use about 5 seconds of each shot clock before getting a brick in the air. The calibre of the basketball on offer is enough to make Hemingway weep. And in this game are Olumide Oyedeji, and Gabe Muoneke.

I know you're jealous.


Robert Pack's last professional basketball gig was for Zalgiris in Lithuania three years ago, when he was kicked off of the team for this punch.

Scott Padgett ended last season with Granada in Spain, but did not play this year. I don't know why.

Milt Fellatio Palacio has spent the season with Partizan Belgrade, where he just won the Euroleague MVP for March. If you can believe that. (Euroleague is the highest calibre of European play, for those unaware.)

Adam Parada is playing for Red Bull Barako in the Phillipines. This is him in action only two days ago. (Parada is number 55, in red. The big fella.) WARNING - Video contains excitable Phillipino girls screaming really loudly for no reason. ANOTHER WARNING - Parada doesn't really do anything in the video except sit down.

Cherokee Parks has been out of basketball for ages and is now little more than a waste of bandwidth and a pain in thine arse. Also, here is a Cherokee Parks video worth watching.

Marlon Parmer signed just today for Al Rayyan in Qatar. A few days ago, I spent the best part of an hour researching whether Marlon Parmer is left handed or right handed, in order to update his profile that no one will ever look at. I finally found the answer after finding a Youtube video of his first practice with the Estonian team that he played for last season. I can't believe how fucking long I wasted on that. But, for those interested, the answer is, he's left handed.

Ruben Patterson surprisingly did not get signed for the playoffs, and remains unemployed.

Andre Patterson also did not get signed for the playoffs, but that was less of a surprise. Patterson is a member of the Dakota Wizards of the D-League, where he totalled 12 points and 10 rebounds in 2 games.

Rickey Paulding is playing for Oldenburg in Germany, where he averages a team high 13.1 points per game.