Where Are They Now: 2009 Summer League Teams Part 1

It's been roughly two months since summer league started, and most of the players involved have been rehomed now. The following is a list of where everybody currently is, or where they might be going.

This list gets a bit long, so if you want to just skip to your favoured team, you can do so. I'll allow that.



Boston Celtics

My initial summary


- Nick Fazekas: Fazekas has signed in Europe for next year, with Dijon of France. The longer this goes on, the more it looks like Fazekas is never going to get back into the NBA. Even though he led this Celtics summer league team in points and rebounds, the NBA doesn't seem to want to know. If that continues to happen, it'll be.....well, it'll be strange. Just plucking a name randomly out of my arse here, but is there a real reason for Taylor Griffin to be in the NBA but not Nick Fazekas? Not that I know of. Oh well. No biggy.

- J.R. Giddens: Giddens is still with the Celtics, as Boston tried valiantly to convince Indiana that they wanted him as a part of a Marquis Daniels sign and trade. The Pacers rightly refused.

- Lester Hudson: Hudson hasn't signed with the Celtics yet, but it's likely that he will do. The Celtics really should try and find a veteran backup option first, even if the pickings are pretty slim now. But if they were going to do that, they probably would have done it already.

- Coby Karl: Karl remains unsigned. He also played on the Nuggets' summer league team. The Nuggets are publicly in the market for a good shooting two guard. Coby Karl is a good shooting two guard. The Nuggets' head coach is George Karl. George Karl is Coby Karl's dad. It's going to write itself. You can just feel it.

- Chris Lofton: Lofton is unsigned, but won't be returning to Mersin, who have already replaced him with Richie Frahm and Jimmy Baron.

- Bryan Mullins: Southern Illinois's very own Bryan Mullins has signed with JL Bourg Basket, a team in France's second division. Going from the French second division to the NBA is only really possible if you're an athletic 18 year old French forward, so we may not hear from him again. PS: It turns out that Mullins has an Irish passport. This will help his European career greatly.

- Gabe Pruitt: The Celtics waived Pruitt last month, in spite of their need for a point guard, which isn't a glowing endorsement of Gabe's worth. He later worked out for the Grizzlies, but they decided on Marcus Williams instead, which also isn't a glowing endorsement of Pruitt.

- Kevin Rogers: Rogers has signed with Panionios in Greece. Quite a lot of players in this post have gone to Greece, you'll notice. It's the new CBA.

- Mike Sweetney: As genuinely overexcited as I was about Sweetney's return from two years out of the game, it kind of sucked. Sweetney may have lost 40lbs, but that's only because he weighed 360 in the first place. He's still heavier than Colin Farrell's eyebrows, and played only one game before coming down with the classic Sweetney injury of "strained hamstring," not playing again. It's a start, at least, but it's not been a very good one. I still believe, however.

- Robert Swift: Swift had more fouls than rebounds in summer league. He still hasn't done anything for three years, and the mobility has badly, badly gone wrong. Even Danny Ainge doesn't seem to want him any more. Swift is unsigned, and really needs to go to the D-League and start again.

- Bryce Taylor: Taylor has downgraded from Italy to Germany, signing with Telekom Baskets Bonn for this season.

- Bill Walker: Walker is still with the Celtics. He might have been with the Pacers right now, but Indiana decided that obtaining Bill Walker isn't worth being stuck with Tony Allen, J.R. Giggiddens, or both. I agree.

- Darius Washington: Macedonian passport in hand, Washington is back in Europe, playing for Galatasaray in Turkey.




Chicago Bulls

My initial summary


- James Augustine: Despite playing well for the Bulls, Augustine is staying in Spain to play a second season for Gran Canaria.

- Tyrell Biggs: Biggs signed in Greece with AS Trikalla, as have a couple of other people on this list that we'll get to later.

- Brandon Costner: Costner has signed in Belgium with Dexia Mons-Hainaut. There are 9 Americans on the team, which is a bit strange, although due to the wonders of nationalisation, at least three of them have European passports. (Including Kent State's very own Nate Reinking, one of Britain's best guards. Which is like being one of Operation Barbarossa's best tacticians.)

- Chris Davis: I have absolutely nothing to report. Partly because he hasn't signed anywhere that I can find, and partly because it's hard to Google information on someone with such a common name.

- Taj Gibson: Gibson is signed with the Bulls for next year, ready to wow us all. The last time a Bulls fanbase was so unanimously down on a draft pick, that player was Kirk Hinrich. And that worked out all right. Also, I recently watched USC versus Boston College, when Gibson passed like Vlade Divac and didn't miss a shot in a 24 point outing. I feel a bit better about him now.

- Taurean Green: Green has signed with AEK Athens in Greece. However, the team is said to be close to bankruptcy, so he might not stay long.

- Julius Hodge: Remains unsigned. Julius Hodge fact: Julius Hodge was named by his older brother after Julius Erving. It's kind of got that Denis Law/Dennis Bergkamp thing going on. Except in that example, BOTH of them were legends.

- James Johnson: So far in his time with the Bulls, Johnson has added to his kickboxing prowess with an awesome dancing ability. If he turns out to be any good at basketball as well, we'll have ourselves a number to retire.

- Linton Johnson: Johnson was under contract to the Bulls during summer league, signing unguaranteed through 2010 towards the end of last season. He was waived after summer league, though, and remains unsigned. The Sixers were said to be interested, but nothing has come of that. However, despite the Bulls waiving him three weeks prior, Linton still represented the Bulls at a recent charity golf outing, since no one else could be bothered to turn up. Nice man. I'd gladly take him back, if things were different. We just ran out of money and minutes.

- Nick Lewis: Lewis has spent the last two and a half years in the D-League. He's done well, but the D-League pays badly, so he's had to go to France to get this dollar and put work in. He's signed with Roanne to replace Taj Gray.

- Lorenzo Mata-Real: Unsigned. Here's a great quote about, though:

Even if he grew up in California, Lorenzo feels himself 100% Mexican.

If that's not worth a giggidy, then nothing is.

- Bryan Mullins: See Boston entry.

- DeMarcus Nelson: The Bulls waived Nelson when they waived Johnson, and he has since caught on with Air Avellino in Italy.

- Anthony Roberson: Roberson was a third player signed unguaranteed through 2010 who was waived after summer league concluded. My mate Doug reports the amusing story of how new Bulls GM Gar Forman was so visibly offended at how bad Roberson was in summer league, that he couldn't help but swear publicly about it. Good times. Also, he's a sexpest. (Anthony Roberson, that is. Not Gar Forman.)

- Josh Shipp: Shipp is signed in Turkey with Bornova Bld, alongside Kedrick Brown and Frank Elegar. They'll probably have fun highlight reels.

- A.D. Vassallo: Vassallo didn't play with the Bulls summer league team in the end as he'd sign in France with Paris-Levallois. This hasn't changed.

- Luke Zeller: Zeller has signed in Japan with a team called the Shiga Lakestars in the BJ League. (Giggidy.) If you're wondering if signing in Japan is anything like signing in China or Korea, it isn't.




Cleveland Cavaliers

My initial summary


- Christian Eyenga: Eyenga signed a three year extension with DKV Joventut Badalona, so we won't be seeing him in the NBA for a good long time yet. Would the Cavs prefer Dante Cunningham or DeJuan Blair or Jermaine Taylor with that pick right now? I'm going to go ahead and say yes.

- Jamont Gordon: Gordon has signed with Cibona Zagreb in Croatia.

- Danny Green: It took a while, but Green has now signed with the Cavaliers. Two year minimum salary contract; first year $140,000 guaranteed, second year $125,000 guaranteed becoming fully guaranteed if he makes the 2010/2011 opening day roster. You heard it all here first.

- David Harrison: Harrison is unsigned and I haven't heard a single rumour about a single team wanting him.

- Robert Hite: Hite is signed in Italy with the team formerly known as Premiata Montegranaro. They're now known as Sigma Coatings Montegranaro. Somewhere on the web, someone should make a list of the history of team's names, to help stave off the confusion. And inevitably, that person's going to end up being me, isn't it?

- Darnell Jackson: Jackson is still on the Cavs roster, but his contract is completely guaranteed. He might be all right, though, because the Cavs have only 14 under contract, even when you include him and Jawad Williams. It's not like they're having a particularly dynamic offseason and need all the roster spots they can get.

- Tarence Kinsey: Unlike Jackson and Williams, Kinsey DID get waived, probably because he had a contract guarantee date. He has since signed in Turkey with Fenerbahce; Kinsey signed a two year deal with a third option season, which might be the death knell for his NBA career.

- Leo Lyons: Lyons has signed with Hapoel Migdal Jerusalem, the Israeli team that has fallen from grace ever since Mario Austin left them. And Lyons is no Mario Austin.

- Maureece Rice: A man whose inability to spell his own first name is somewhat justified, Rice is unsigned, and might be a reasonable expectation to return to the D-League next year. To be honest, I've been meaning to look into how the D-League offseason works, but haven't done so yet. Anyone willing to assist can email me at the usual address.

- Jawad Williams: See; Jackson, Darnell.




Dallas Mavericks

My initial summary


- Alfred Aboya: "The Tribe" is unsigned, and Dallas probably won't be bringing him to camp after a 40 minute, 3 point, 5 rebound, 7 turnover, 9 foul summer league performance. (See what I did with the nickname there? I will now eat my own face out of shame.)

- Rodrigue Beaubois: In the early going - so early that we haven't played a game yet - Beaubois looks like being a steal in the late first round. Dallas hasn't had one of these for a while (in fact, their recent draft record overall is really qutie poor), but the last time they did get a steal, it was Josh Howard, the last first round pick in 2003. So when they hit, they really hit.

- Andre Brown: If Brown hasn't spent his whole summer at the free throw line, he's completely gotten his priorities wrong. He has some offensive talent, which is why he keeps getting back into the league, but his FT% is always roughly equal to his FG%. And the 18% from the line that he shot in summer league would suggest that nothing's changed. He remains unsigned.

- Nick Calathes: Calathes signed with Panathinaikos even before he was drafted, so there's no real news to report here.

- Henry Dugat: Dugat is unsigned. Not a whisper. Didn't even play for the Mavericks in summer league, after all that. Maybe he's dead.

- Shan Foster: Foster is unsigned. He shot the ball well in summer league, and he's a specialist shooter, so maybe he'll come to camp with the Mavericks. But they're out of room, with 17 players under contract already. So he probably shouldn't.

- Mickael Gelabale: Gelabale was involved in a little rum-do last month. He agreed to sign with Alicante Lucentum in Spain's ACB for 400,000 Euros, but when he turned up to sign the contract, he found that the agreement was for 50,000 Euros less than what he'd agreed to. So he refused to sign, fired his agent, and is now looking for an NBA gig. He has ruled out rejoining the D-League, apparently.

- Herbert Hill: Hill has parlayed a decent summer league outing into absolutely nothing at all. He remains unsigned.

- Quinton Hosley: Unknown. I'll report it when it happens.

- Luke Jackson: Jackson started every game for the Mavericks in summer league, but played badly, still not being able to shoot at the NBA level for no obvious reason. He has since signed with Carife Ferrara in Italy. Does that mark the end of Luke Jackson's NBA career. Probably.

- Nathan Jawai: Jawai is still with the Mavericks, but he's one of 17. He has the comparative insurance of a guaranteed contract, but the Mavericks have swallowed bigger ones than that before. The Mavericks need a centre, and Jawai is that, but other candidates to be cut (Greg Buckner, Shawne Williams, Kris Humphries) may all have their uses as trade assets. If a team out there wants to trade a good 8 figure salaried player to sale a hell of a lot of money, Dallas can be right there with a package of Buckner, Williams and Drew Gooden. That's what they're banking on, it looks like. If such a deal happens, Jawai might be all right. If it doesn't, he's probably cut.

- Curtis Jerrells: Jerrells has agreed to sign with the Pistons, but hasn't done it yet.

- Bryson McKenzie: Dear Bryson McKenzie's agent; I am really sorry that you don't think I was nice enough about your client the first time around. I'm sorry. Really. I'm so fucking sorry. And I can't WAIT until he tears up the IBL again.

- Aaron Miles: Unsigned. No stupid follow-up comment, either. Unless that one counts.

- Ahmad Nivins: Nivins is signed with Basquet Manresa in Spain, alongside Hawks draftee Sergiy Gladyr. Basquet Manresa used to be known as Ricoh Manresa. Add them to the name change list. (Also, I like the -qu instead of the -k. We might have to make that mandatory.)

- K.C. Rivers: Rivers, who didn't play for the Mavs, has signed with Associazione Basket Latina, an Italian second division team that I've never heard of.

- Damjan Rudez: Rudez was named as a very late addition to the Mavericks summer league roster, and apparently no one told him, because he didn't play a minute for them. He is signed for next year with Cedevita Zagreb, alongside absolutely nobody that you've heard of. Unless you've heard of Elzie Bibbs. (Former Washington General, apparently. That lucky man.)

- Moussa Seck: I have no news on Moussa Seck, who presumably is going back to the Montegranaro system for about 8 more years of development. But the Mavericks apparently really fell in love with him, so much so that they gave him 4 minutes of PT. Then again, this is the team that gave up a first round draft pick for Pavel Podkolzin. There's something about that 7'3 barrier that gets them unfortunately erect. (Great name for a racehorse, that.) By the way, that surrendered first rounder later became Linas Kleiza. Whoops.

- Trent Strickland: Strickland will be playing basquetball next season for AEK Larnacas in Cyprus. Presumably, Cyprus pays well.




Denver Nuggets

My initial summary


- Derrick Byars: Byars is unsigned, and looks to be a candidate for a return to the D-League, after being one of the better players in it last year. Might even get a training camp spot.

- Dontaye Draper: Unattatched and looking. Like me.

- Ronald Dupree: In his six year professional career, Ronald Dupree has never played outside of America. Seattle was as close as he got. This hasn't changed; he's not signed in Europe for next year, and looks like an inevitable training camp/D-League shoe-in. Good luck Doop.

- C.J. Giles: Giles has signed for next season with Smart Gilas in the Philippines. Smart Gilas are a weird team that aren't even really a club; check this for the details. As a part of the move, Giles will soon receive a Philippines passport.

- Richard Hendrix: Hendrix had a decent summer league for Denver, and a very good one for Orlando. Yet despite producing everywhere he's been (giggidy), Hendrix is not in the NBA. Instead he's in Spain with CB Granada. Shame.

- Coby Karl: I'm telling you. It's happening. The Nuggets reportedly really want Wally Szczerbiak, and Rashad McCants is having a workout with them later this week, but it's just a smokescreen. It's going to be Coby. It has to be. What's the point of having a dad as a coach if he can't get you the gig? My dad does my car insurance, after all. It's the way of the world.

- Tywon Lawson: I'm willing to back down a bit on my stance that Lawson is not greatly inferior to Jonny Flynn. But only a bit. Lawson's still good.

- Kareem Rush: After scoring 54 points on 58 shots last year, even worse than his already shocking career ratio of 1.012 points per shot, the league may have finally figured out that Rush isn't actually a good shooting role player after all. He remains unsigned.

- Cedric Simmons: Simmons, one of the worst first round draft picks of the decade, is out of the NBA. He is signed with Peristeri in Greece, a team that just got promoted to the first division.

- Sonny Weems: Weems has been traded twice this summer; first from Denver to Milwaukee, and then from Milwaukee to Toronto, where he will replace Joey Graham. (And in more ways than one, too; Weems looks more like Joey Graham than Stephen Graham does.) His contract guarantee date has now passed, so he'll be sticking around somewhere.




Detroit Pistons

My initial summary


- Michael Bramos: Bramos did exactly what a fringe NBA player with a Greek passport should do; he went to Greece. He signed a two year deal with DASH Peristeri Athens, just like Simmons above.

- Will Bynum: The Pistons have lots of faith in Will Bynum, so much so that they're probably not going to sign a third point guard (unless Curtis Jerrells shows something quickly). That might not seem like a big deal, but if you've seen Ben Gordon play point guard, it is.

- Austin Daye: Daye is signed, and actually signed waaaaaaaay before the press conference which said that he'd signed. It happens like that sometimes.

- Marquise Gray: Gray was a very late addition to the Pistons squad, getting the gig basically only because he was from Michigan State (for whom he averaged a hot and spicy 3/3 last year). He had 7 points and 6 fouls in his one summer league game, and is currently unsigned. Apparently he had offers from Israel, France and Germany, but nothing has come of any of them yet.

- Ibrahim Jaaber: Jaabar was a surprise inclusion on the Pistons summer league roster. Given his successful European career recently, he didn't seem to need to be here. Apparently he realised this as well, because he didn't turn up, and he'll stay with Lottomatica Roma for at least one more season.

- Jonas Jerebko: Jerebko is signed with the Pistons, to a two year minimum salary contract. First year guaranteed, second year 50% guaranteed.

- Dwayne Jones: Jones is unsigned. He often is around this time of year, and it's usually because he has a training camp gig lined up somewhere. But I haven't heard anything about that this time.

- Andre Owens: Bulgarian international Owens is signed in Turkey with Turk Telekom Ankara. Hurtling towards 30 and now owning a European passport, Owens' NBA career may be over with.

- Jeremy Pargo: Jeremy is signed with Altshuler Saham Galil Gilboa in Israel.

- Trent Plaisted: It was initially reported that Plaisted had signed with Reggio Emilia in Italy's second division, but he didn't. Instead, Plaisted is one of only two non-Croats signed next season with KK Zadar in Croatia. The other one.......we'll get to him later.

- Walter Sharpe: Sharpe is currently a member of the Bucks, after being traded salary dumped on Denver and then forwarded on as a part of the completely unnecessary Malik Allen trade. But his stay in Milwaukee might not last too long. While his guaranteed contract works in his favour, the depth chart is against him; Milwaukee already has Ersan Ilyasova, Joe Alexander, Cucumber A Moute and Hakim Warrick in the forward rotation, with others such as Carlos Delfino and Francisco Elson able to help out if necessary. Sharpe also played like arse gravy last year, which won't help his case. And the Bucks also have 16 players under contract right now. Walter's probably 16th.

- Sean Singletary: Singletary was a very late addition to the Pistons summer league roster. Will Bynum didn't play and Jaaber didn't turn up, so Singletary started all 5 games. He must have felt that he had the inside track on the Pistons' third point guard spot. But now it appears that he's lost out to Curtis Jerrells, who wasn't even with the Pistons SL team. Tough break. Singletary is unsigned.

- Dajuan Summers: Summers has also signed with the Pistons for the minimum. First year guaranteed, second year $500,000 guaranteed. Since $500,000 represents the majority of his second year salary, expect him to be around for both years.

- Clay Tucker: Tucker is signed with DKV Joventut Badalona. Ricky Rubio out, Clay Tucker in. A roughly equal trade-off there.

- Travis Walton: Like Gray, Walton was a late addition to the team solely off of his Michigan State experience. Unlike Gray, he didn't play at all. Walton has now signed in the basketball haven of Switzerland with the Lugano Tigers.

- Deron Washington: 2008 second rounder Washington has signed with the team, too, to a $250,000 guaranteed rookie minimum contract. He should be there until at least the deadline, and probably beyond.




Golden State Warriors

My initial summary


- Connor Atchley: Atchley totalled 25 points, 14 rebounds, 2 blocks and 17 fouls in 4 summer league games, which isn't a very Connor Atchley-type of performance. He is currently unsigned. He sure won't be a Warrior.

- Stephen Curry: I watched Davidson versus Butler last week. You know, the ESPN-televised game in which a still-gimpy Curry went about 6 for 48. I just thought I'd mention this in lieu of saying anything interesting. (By the way, Gordon Hayward = brilliant.)

- Jermareo Davidson: The Warriors waived Jermareo Davidson last month. The Warriors signed Mikki Moore last night. The two play relatively similarly, and both kind of suck. So why not have the younger guy? Is having Devean George and Mikki Moore really better than having Jermareo Davidson and Marco Belinelli? Well, OK. If you say so. Davidson is currently unsigned, by the way.

- Othello Hunter: Hunter has agreed to return to the Hawks for training camp this year. There's a good chance he makes it beyond then too.

- Lawrence Hill: Did you watch the Warriors in summer league and get endlessly confused between Lawrence Hill and Quan Prowell? Me too. If you did, Hill is the one that wanted to be remembered as a shooter. He is currently unsigned.

- Joe Ingles: Ingles has left Australia and signed with CB Granada in Spain.

- Jared Jordan: Jordan signed with Telekom Baskets Bonn in Germany. I read an interview somewhere where he said the NBA remained a dream, but he needs to start earning in the mean time. If that was just a more tactful way of saying "I'm probably not taking the optimal route to the NBA right here," he's right.

- Acie Law: There's 82 games left in Acie Law's NBA career. 55 of them may well be spent on the inactive list. This may well be it. Give them hell, Ace. For a change.

- Cartier Martin: Martin signed in Italy with Benetton Treviso last month. He appear so be having a bit of girl trouble, though.

- Anthony Morrow: Morrow averaged 25 points per game in summer league, second best in the entire competition. Strangely, it was also the second best on his team. There's absolutely no doubt that Morrow will be in the NBA, not only for this year but for a while yet; the only question is what kind of contract he gets next year.

- Quan Prowell: Prowell is signed with Paris-Levallois in France for next year. Hi Ann!

- Anthony Randolph: There are plenty of people who write plenty of pieces talking about the plenty of examples of the Warriors plentiful mismanagement these last two years. Here's just one example for the hell of it; Don Nelson told Anthony Randolph to seek a trade last year. Apparently the fact that he's everything the franchise needs was completely lost on Nellie, who seems to think HE is everything the franchise needs. Bad times.

- Lawrence Roberts: I got nothing. Nothing but love, anyway.

- Jamal Sampson: Sampson outplayed Atchley and Davidson in summer league, which sounds more impressive than the 3/4 he averaged. If he ever had a chance - and he probably didn't - then Mikki Moore just took it.




Houston Rockets

My initial summary


- Hassan Adams: Adams is unsigned. He also recently didn't turn up to an Arizona vs Arizona State charity game that he had committed to attend. He may have had an excuse, but we'll just assume he's evil.

- Rodrique Benson: Benson is also unsigned, but he is working on a mixtape right now. So that's a solid excuse.

- Chase Budinger: Budinger signed a four year, $3,332,457 contract with the Rocquettes, the first two years of which are fully guaranteed, and the final two years of which are fully unguaranteed. Why the tax threatened Rockets gave him such a big pay hike above the minimum in the first year is a little strange, considering Budinger's lack of leverage in the situation. I guess they're just nice.

- Will Conroy: Conroy is unsigned after his 26.5ppg/8.0apg season last year. He may be angling to go back to the D-League again. If he is, then I don't get why, because he's spent the best part of 4 years there. He needs to start getting paid. Maybe he has a camp invite out there somewhere.

- Marcus Cousin: Cousin was only on the roster because he's a University of Houston grad. He didn't play in a game for the Rockets and is now signed with Mersin in Turkey.

- Joey Dorsey: Dorsey finally showed something in summer league, averaging a prime Ben Wallace-like 14.8 rebounds and 2.6 blocks in only 31 minutes a game. The turnover and foul numbers were very high, but it's a start. There's plenty of minutes available for Dorsey this year, if he can earn them.

- Charles Gaines: Gaines is unsigned.

- Mike Green: Green won David Thorpe's heart in summer league, but not a training camp spot. He's now in Belgium with Belgacom Liege.

- Maarty Leunen: Leunen's never going to make the Rockets team, and I hope he knows that. This won't stop him from a good European career, though, and Leunen is signed with NGC Cantu for next year.

- Brad Newley: See above, pretty much, except Newley is in Turkey with Besiktas.

- Jermaine Taylor: See Budinger. Taylor signed exactly the same deal. Although that's more standard when you're picked 32nd than when you're picked 44th.

- Garrett Temple: The Rockets freaking love Temple, even in spite of his chronic inability to shoot over 40% (an inability that showed itself once again in summer league). Temple is unsigned, and if the Rockets brought him into training camp, I wouldn't be entirely surprised. But if he then makes the team, I'll be the most surprised I've been since Salma Hayek turned into a monster halfway through From Dusk Till Dawn. (It was a good film until that happened. And then it turned awful.)

- Darryl Watkins: Watkins is unsigned.

- James White: White is signed through next year, and has been for ages, but that doesn't really mean a whole lot. Essentially, he just signed for training camp really really early. The arrivals of Budinger and Taylor may have cost him a spot, although the Rockets are looking to salary dump Brent Barry which should give White one more chance.

Summer league round-up: Boston Celtics

Beginning now, there will be a series of posts detailing the summer league rosters of every NBA team this year. (Those rosters can be found here.) This is because summer league is great fun, and because the lavish descriptions of fringe NBA players gets me off. But you probably knew that already.

Maybe we'll add this to the list of things that get started and never finished. Maybe not. But on that subject, those of you who want the draft roundups finished, don't worry. They will be. It might not be until August, when things get dull again, but they will get done. You'll have your Jamie Feick news soon.

Anyhoo, let's begin this filthy bitch with the Boston Celtics, since the alphabetically superior Atlanta Hawks don't have a summer league team this year.

Their team:

- Nick Fazekas: Fazekas should be in the NBA, really. But he's not. Even though was paid $711,517 by the Mavericks last season, he wasn't on their roster, as they waived him as a concurrent part of the Jason Kidd trade eighteen months ago. This decision would have been instantly forgettable had the Mavericks not had the immortal tat of Devean George, Antoine Wright, Jerry Stackhouse and Shawne Williams on their roster last season, but anyway. Fazekas went to camp with the Nuggets last season, as did pretty much every player in the history of the game, and then spent the year with Oostende in Belgium and ASVEL in France. I'd like to think that the team that has put up with Brian Scalabrine for four years could find a spot for a similar but better player like Fazekas, but it doesn't seem likely.

- J.R. Giddens: Giddens played all of 8 minutes with the Celtics last year. There's no real need for this 24 year old non-contributor to be on the roster of a veteran team with championship aspirations, but his D-League numbers from last year (36 games, 17.2 ppg, 6.3 rpg, 3.0 apg, 1.4 bpg, 58% shooting) suggest that there might be something to pursue there. There'd better be, since they used a first rounder on him. Giddens still doesn't a jumpshot, which still doesn't help him.

- Lester Hudson: Hudson was the Celtics' only pick in the draft, 58th overall, ahead of Chinemelu Elonu and Robert Loggia. He averaged almost 28/8/4 at Tennessee Martin in his sophomore season, and averaged much the same in his freshman season as well. Kind of makes you wonder why he went to such a small program if he's that good. Hudson might make the Celtics roster, but if he doesn't and Gabe Pruitt does, then you'll know what stopped him. Don't need both, really.

- Coby Karl: Karl started last season in the D-League, averaging nearly 19 points and 6 assists for the Idaho Stampede, before leaving partway through the season to sign for DKV Joventut Badalona. He barely played in Badalona, though, and averaged less than 5 points per game. His chances of making the Celtics roster seem slim, considering Giddens is the incumbent with a guaranteed deal. Karl, an ex-Laker, was last heard of when it was reported that he was giving his dad - Nuggets coach George Karl - inside insight to the Lakers' style of play and personal before the Western Conference Finals between the two teams. This news made some Lakers fans irate, annoyed that Karl would show more loyalty than the man that brought him into this world than the team that kept him on the inactive list for a year before waiving his ass for Sun Yue. That was fun to see. NBA fans are great like that.

- Chris Lofton: Lofton went undrafted last season and didn't sign a training camp deal, instead going to Turkey and signing with a team called Mersin (also the home of Eddie Basden). There, he averaged 20.2ppg, 2.6rpg and 2.0apg, shooting almost twice as many three pointers as he did two's. Considering he shot 46.1% from three point range, that doesn't seem like a bad idea. Lofton also managed to break the Turkish league single game scoring record when he scored 61 points, making 17 three pointers in that game. This should tell you how he plays. Lofton had a workout for the Grizzlies back in May, but joined the Celtics summer league instead, despite Eddie House's presence seemingly closing the door on his chances here. Chris Lofton fact: Chris Lofton once had bollock cancer. That is all.

- Bryan Mullins: It was said that Mullins was going to join the Bulls summer league team, but that clearly didn't happen. Mullins averaged 9.3 points, 5.6 assists and 2.0 steals last year for Southern Illinois, which aren't huge numbers in a not-huge conference. He did, however, win all kinds of academic athlete awards, who majored in finance, and who had a 4.0 GPA. So if the basketball thing doesn't work out, he should still be fine for employment.

- Gabe Pruitt: Pruitt played in 47 games last year and shot 31%. The remnants of Stephon Marbury played ahead of him. To call it a tough year would be being pretty kind, especially since he got arrested for DUI somewhere in amongst that. Pruitt was drafted 32nd overall in 2007 (usually a high value position), and has a guaranteed contract for this season, but it wouldn't be a surprise if he was dumped somewhere at some point.

- Kevin Rogers: I watched Rogers quite a bit with Baylor last year (the NIT got a surprising amount of coverage over here), and I never quite figured out what it was that he was good at. He showed a reasonable outside shot, a reasonable inside game, some reasonable rebounding, the occasional nice bit of help on defense...but nothing really standyouty. If anything, he stood out at Baylor primarily because their other options as big men were Quincy Acy (clumsy and about as technically refined as a nail bomb), Josh Lomers (no discernible skills whatsoever other than being huge, white and slow with a tremendously full head of hair) and Mamadou Diene (who had about 3 minutes of stamina on his pokey knees, and the discreet touch of a drunk and horny Captain Hook touching a hedgehog's erogenous zones up while pinned against a piss-stained wheelybin). I came away with the impression that Baylor was a jack of all trades but a master of none. That works in Baylor, but not in Boston.

- Bryce Taylor: Taylor was on the Timberwolves summer league team last year, where I watched him lovingly unfurl a good jumpshot, and an efficient and pretty solid overall game with no outstanding attributes to it. Taylor spent last season with Premiata Montegrenaro in Italy's Serie A, where he averaged 13.0 points, 2.4 rebounds and 1.6 steals a game. On the down side, he also only averaged 0.5 assists in 29 minutes a game, which can't be good, even if assists are far harder to come by in Italy's slightly authoritarian scoring system.

- Mike Sweetney: WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!! Sweetney's back!!! Good times. Since his rookie contract expired as a member of the Bulls in the summer of 2007, Sweetney has not been heard from at all. He literally disappeared off the map. Wasn't even on Facebook or anything. It looked bleak. But a sighting finally came; the Boston Globe reported that he was in the crowd for Bulls/Celtics game 7 back in May, and maybe that was the precursor to this. Hopefully he's found a a way to solve his weight problems, and found what was the cause of them in the first place. I am eagerly awaiting to see what shape he's in (no circle jokes), because if he can stay under 280, he can resume an NBA career.

- Robert Swift: Swift showed some signs of life in his second year in the league. He showed some offensive talent, activity (that old chestnut) and defense mobility, and averaged roughly 6/5/1 as a 20 year old centre. And that's not bad going. Then he grew his hair out, got tatted up, started to get zany in lay-up lines, and severly screwed his knee. There followed only 8 games in two years, as the knee recovery was repeatedly set back and not helped by other injuries. Swift played last year with the Thunder on his qualifying offer, but was still only healthy/good enough to play in 21 games, averaging 3.3 points and 3.4 rebounds. Danny Ainge finally gets his man, but by this point, he's probably not going to see in Swift the very things that used to drive him wild with desire. A year in the D-League to recuperate his injuries and revive his CV wouldn't be a bad idea for Swift, if he can tolerate going from a $3 million+ salary to the mere pittance that D-Leaguers get. But I can't say his career options are particularly expansive.

- Bill Walker: The Celtics would almost anything to not play Walker last year, even after a series of injuries that made the need for an extra forward become of paramount importance. Walker appeared in only 29 games for the Celtics, averaging 7.4 minutes and 3 points. In the D-League, he played in 15 games and averaged 18.9 points, demonstrating a better-than-advertised jumpshot. He's certain to be back next season, as he's signed for three more years and next season's salary is guaranteed. I just hope that they'll value his input more this year.

- Darius Washington: Washington had a great training camp with the Bulls last year, a team who then cut him anyway. Ostensibly, this was to save money for a team very close to the tax threshold, but they went on to sign Lindsey Hunter two weeks later and kept him for the entire year. So I think they just preferred the touch of the older man. (Giggidy.) Washington took the hint and buggered off to Russia, signing for Ural Great Perm, a team whose name is so brilliant that I can't help but point it out every type it crops up. Washington averaged 13.1 points per game in the Russian league, and 16.5 in the EuroChallenge. Like Lofton, Washington worked out for the Grizzlies last month, and yet like Lofton, he came to Boston instead. Maybe they both had crap workouts. Either way, like Lofton, his chances are minimal.

I'm A Sailor Peg, And I've Lost My Leg

I feel obligated to write something about the Bulls/Celtics series. It has been untold drama, brilliant excitement, and well worth the fortnight of 7am finishes. It's been better than Megan Fox's shadow, worse than De Niro's moustache in Cop Land, and awesome to a fault. And I feel inclined to write something that describes it all.

But the truth is, I don't want to. I don't think I can. The series has been so unilaterally brilliant, so unrivalled in its drama and so and flawlessly flawed in its execution, that I'm not capable of writing the words to accurately describe it. I don't think anyone is. It's as though someone decided the Coach Carter series of films should rival Police Academy, wrote seven of the most implausibly cheesy scripts ever written, and nailed them all on the first take in front of an audience of millions. The drama, for lack of a better word, is perfect.

Disregard game three for a minute. (The Bulls forgot to turn up to that one, so it's best we pretend that it didn't happen.) Over the other 5 games, the other 275 minutes, and the 1000 or so possessions, the difference between the two team's aggregate score is 1 freaking point. There have been 7 overtimes in 4 games, and one game that was decided in the final second of regulation. Never before has there even been more than 2 overtime games in a series. And yet we're at 4 already, with one still to play.

It is almost unfathomable how close these two teams are. It will never happen again. It doesn't matter now about the peculiar series of events that made it this way; what we have now, quite possibly, are the two most evenly matched teams in the sport's history. All the planets have aligned, and this is the basketball equinox.

How many plays have there been that, if only minutely different, would have meant the series was over by now? I mean, seriously, how many things only had to go ever so slightly differently for the result to be different? What if Rajon Rondo was called for the goaltend of Kirk Hinrich's layup? What if Eddie House knew where the three point line was? What if Ray Allen hadn't tiptoed it, twice? What if Ben Gordon didn't kick the cooler and get a technical? What if Joakim Noah didn't gamble for that steal? What if he missed it? Does Brian Scalabrine then get his Horry on? What if they called Paul Pierce dragging his pivot foot 6 yards in the first OT? What if this didn't happen;



What if John Salmons doesn't take that airball three at the end of regulation? What if the moving screen on Glen Davis that set up the House two was properly called? What if Hinrich hadn't MISSED THAT FREAKING LAYUP?!?!?? What if Brad Miller had thrown a shot up at the end of OT? What if Pierce hadn't turned down passing to an open Allen? If Joakim Noah misses that gambled steal, does Scalabrine put the Celtics up 126-123? What if Pierce hadn't fouled him?

And those are just from the last 16 minutes of game 5. What about the other 287 in the series?


Everything that has happened in this series has happened in reverse, too. Brad Miller has choked in the clutch and won a game down the stretch. Ben Gordon has almost won games single handedly, and done his best to lose them too. Derrick Rose shows that he's ready for both the big time and bedtime. Kirk Hinrich, one of the worst clutch performer of the decade (a man who shot 14% in the clutch last season) has turned up for the big stage. Ray Allen has been brilliant or non existent. Paul Pierce can gut out a win, but only sometimes. Everyone has been brilliant for stretches and terrible in others, coming (Tyrus Thomas even went a game without sucking. That's rare.) The only consistencies have been bad officiating, worse coaching, John Salmons's relentlessly gormless "my beard is so heavy it's pulling my bottom jaw to the ground" face, and Kevin Garnett's unabashed twatness. Just those and all the overtimes.

And then on top of that, we've had all the bonus drama. Rajon Rondo's carnal desire to hurt someone. Kirk Hinrich's eternal swag. Ray Allen being really, really, really, really good. Joakim Noah showing the world what Bulls fans knew since January. The long overdue debut of Aaron Gray's playoff beard. Doug Collins's fluctuating opinions on how tall Ben Gordon is. Tony Allen's death threat. Kevin Garnett's injury. Ben Gordon's injury. Leon Powe's terrible luck early in the series. The huge plays down the stretch. The terrific individual execution. The knee bucklingly bad coaching. Brad Miller's permanent "tickle me again and I'll throw a paddy right here and now" scowl when things go badly. Vinny Del Negro's palms being welded into his armpits. Stephon Marbury losing games through being afraid to shoot. Brian Scalabrine getting key minutes while sporting a head like an upside-down carrot cake. Danny Ainge's heart attack.

It's brilliant. I just only wish the stage was bigger.



At the end of game 6, I called my friend, finding myself with a desperate need to explain to someone what I'd been watching. They probably didn't appreciate the call at 7.45am on a weekday, but they got it anyway. I tried to explain what I'd been watching, why I was so excited, where this series placed in the all time history of the sport, how there'd been so many if-onlys and impossible shots that even Matthew McConaughey would have turned down the script. She didn't quite understand, or even really try to. But she meant well when she said;

"Congratulations."

Thanks. Go Bulls.

Insert Intricate Wordplay

In the unlikely event that you hadn't noticed, defense wins championships.

In the 6 games of this NBA Finals series, the Celtics ran about 2 perimeter isolation plays, not including ones at the end of quarters. They didn't need to run any. The offense took care of itself from running only the simplest stuff. All they had to do was push the ball off of Laker misses and turnovers, occasionally post up Kevin Garnett, have the shooters run to the wings on the break, and keep setting screens. As well as let Ray Allen shoot open threes.

The defense is what won it. (By the way, I feel like I'm telling you what you already know with this post, but oh well. I feel obliged to write something amateur. I'd speculate about why Jackson left Lamar Odom in, but I can't be bothered.) L.A.'s offense was contained with relative ease. The only times the Lakers could get the ball in the paint in the last three games were on entry passes to Pau Gasol, and Pau's options from there were limited to the extra-pass, the re-feed, or staggering to the rim like a drunk pre-teen girl looking for some balls to fumble. They became nothing more than a turnover, a shot clock waster, and a back rimmer respectively (giggidy) as Boston routinely denied the Lakers every option possible from their multi option playbook.

Kobe Bryant could not get to the rim. The best player on the planet at contorting his body and knifing his way through holes that the defense did not know they that had left, suddenly found a defense that hadn't left any. All but a handful of Bryant's points came from contested jumpshots, a resource which dries up eventually, no matter how good you are at plundering it. Whenever the Lakers attempted to make the skip, extra or entry passes that Boston made so routinely, a turnover ensued, as a Celtic defender always managed to get a hand in the way. Not a single thing came easy. And that's how it should be. The Lakers defense had no such boast. Instead, they had Vladimir Radmanovic.

Boston wins the NBA title while starting a point guard who passes up layups, a centre whose shooting range is as long as his right forearm, and a primary backup big who can't get his layups above rim height. Three of their top seven players can be doubled off of. And they won anyway.

This is the mock-up with which to style your team, even if Danny Ainge's methodology in doing so was decidedly fucked up. Get yourselves some athletes, who know the meaning of defensive rotation. Then teach them how to make jumpshots like Ray Allen.

Congratulations to the Celtics on the most bipolar 24 months in NBA history. It's nice to see you finally get rewarded after being such a historically barren franchise. I will now ooze maximum resentment towards a team that I don't especially like, but one that I respect highly, and whom thoroughly deserve the crown of the best team in the NBA. Contrived celebrations all around.



Alternative post: 39 POINTS??? 39 POINTS?????

39 POINTS?????

You shitting me?

Now someone quickly Youtube Garnett's "interview" with Michelle Tafoya. God invented the internet for this reason.

Highlight of game 4

Coming back from commercials to start the fourth quarter, ESPN ran a Doc Rivers Totally Enthused Moments Montage. Firstly, to his team in a timeout:

"We got to keep fighting! We GOT to keep fighting!"

Secondly, to his team in a post-timeout huddle:

"Do you belieeeeeveeee???"

Thirdly, while smacking Kevin Garnett on the arse as he is subbed out of the game:

"Never stop believing, baby."

---

Immediately following this montage, ESPN cut to Michelle Tafoya interviewing Phil Jackson. The following slightly paraphrased exchange ensued, with Jackson using strangely slurred speech.

Tafoya: What happened back there in the third quarter?
Jackson: I don't know, what happened?

........

Tayofa: What did you do wrong in the third quarter, and what will you change to start the fourth?
Jackson: It was just momentum.

........

Tafoya: Do you think you can come back?
Jackson: It's momentum. It will change.

Strange times.

Jackson was wrong. It didn't change. You could argue that he handled the interview in a way that defines his calm, unflustered, and extremely experienced nature in situations such as this. But all it did was ooze complacency. And, as Detroit Pistons will tell you, complacency loses.

Say what you like about Doc Rivers as a coach. He has his flaws, and Bill Simmons will happily document them for you. But that clichéd motivational shit worked.


Other highlights include: Sam Cassell's contuned decline towards borderline insanity, P.J. Brown's airball/poster dunk dichotomy, everything Kobe Bryant did, the spectacularly bad fourth quarter play of Pau Gasol, and me feeling slightly vindicated about my earlier opinions on Trevor Ariza just to then watch as Jackson didn't go back to him in the fourth quarter.

Go Lakers.....maybe.

NBA Finals Anal

By unpopular demand, I won't talk about baseball. Instead, I'll talk about basketball. I shall retread the observations of the hundreds of other writers who are covering the subject, while adding no unique spin. It's how we roll around here.

---

1) There's no reason why Lamar Odom shouldn't be able to defend Kevin Garnett better than he does. None whatsoever. He has the length to bother his jumpshots as well as anyone can bother them, the athleticism to prevent any easy drives to the basket, and the reasonable man to man post defense to cope with the rare times that Garnett plays back to the basket. But he doesn't do it that well. And not only does he struggle at it, but he doesn't do it much at all, as Pau Gasol seems to end up with the assignment a lot of the time. This doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Also, this is somewhere where Andrew Bynum would come in handy.

2) Something that also doesn't make a lot of sense is Vlad Rad starting and playing as much as he is. I understand the Lakers need for shooting and spacing. I do. But Radmanovic is spectacularly bad in all other aspects of the game. (His rebounding numbers in this series have been quite good, but try and think of a single Radmanovic rebound. You can't - they were all gimmies that his replacement could have gotten, too.) And when you're matched up agaisnt a team that starts Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett at the 2-3-4 spots, you're left with the unattractive prospect of having Radmanovic guarding one of those three, particularly when Kobe Bryant spends so much time on Rajon Rondo. And Radmanovic just can't bloody do that. Leave him in as a token starter if you must, but don't actually PLAY him. Trevor Ariza can't shoot, but he still needs these minutes. Note - this is also a situation where Andrew Bynum would come in handy, as Radmanovic wouldn't be a starter.

3) This is more of a general point than a Finals specific point, given his performance thus far, but people should probably stop calling the "Celtics Big Three" by that name. Ray Allen never was as good as his two peers, and unlike those two, Ray Allen has also lost something. He's a fine third option to have, but the label "Big Three" implies some kind of parallel between all parties, that everything isequal, and that each is as important as the others. And that's wrong. Maybe they should switch it to Rondo instead.

4) In the fourth quarter of game three, Kevin Garnett hit a long jumpshot, one that boosted his shooting percentage to about 84%. The camera cut to Garnett running back on defense, and showed him puffing his cheeks with gusto, like a man who had just narrowly avoided driving into his own mother. Perhaps there's something in this "Garnett not clutch" thing. (Still, at least it wasn't a fallaway.)

5) Kobe picked up a technical in the first half of game three. At some point in the fourth quarter, when Kobe protested a rather obvious foul call made against him, he complained for a minute, and then walked away. Mark Wunderlich (great name by the way) walked after Kobe, yelling aggressively, almost as if he was goading Kobe into his secodn technical. Am I the only one who saw this? Is this really kosher? It seems unlikely that Wunderlich wanted to T him up given the Donaghy accusations out this week, but still.

6) Last year, Sasha Vujacic couldn't dribble and run at the same time. He couldn't shoot, pass, play defense, or generally avoid fucking up. Now he's the second best player in the NBA Finals. How the hell did that happen? I will now go grow my hair out long, hone my jumpshot, and give myself an Eastern European girls name. Hi, I'm Martha.

7) Sam Cassell's play in this series is startling, weird, and amusing if you don't like the Celtics. Every time he touches the ball, he winds up shooting it, and whether he hits the shot or not, it wasn't a good one to take. Essentially, Sam Cassell is out there playing like Eddie House.....on a team that also has Eddie House. Strange times. (Insert Anchorman quote beginning "Take it easy, Champ".) Doc Rivers finally figured this out in game three, gave Cassell the quick hook, and let Eddie House himself play the Eddie House role, but not before Cassell had managed to get up 4 shots in 7 minutes. Hooray for heady veteran play!

8) Speaking of heady veteran play, congratulations to P.J. Brown for needlessly starting on Jordan Farmar, travelling, setting moving screens, being unable to get his layups above rim height (that old quandry!) and geenrally doing absolutely nothing worthwhile apart from one frozen rope jumpshot. It was certainly the signing that put the Celtics over the top. And I heartily endorse having P.J. stay out there for 18 minutes in game three doing absolutely nothing worthwhile as Leon Powe watches on the sidelines, wondering quite what the hell he did wrong in game two where he had more points scored than minutes played. I heartily endorse this because I want the Celtics to lose.

9) If James Posey wasn't a malicous dirty drink driving prick, I could totally respect his game. But, as it is, fuck him.

10) At some point in this series, there's going to be a game where the Celtics score 21 in the fourth quarter, and Kobe scores 23 by himself. It may be tomorrow. You need to remember this.

11) You know that thing where a player runs into a cameraman while chasing a loose ball, there's a few seconds of silence as the director whispers into the announcer's ear, and then the announcer (now aware of the man's name) goes on to congratulate the cameraman's professionalism while generally acting all buddy buddy towards a man whose name he didn't know until ten seconds previously? Yeah. We could probably do without this.

12) The announcing crew for these games has been awesome. Mike Breen is the new industry standard, Jeff Van Gundy is FAR better than I ever would have thought possible, and Mark Jackson is a lot more comfortable and less painful when you give him a third guy to work alongside. They have been intelligent, humorous, and fair. The presentation has been good in general, although bear in mind that I don't get to see the ESPN studio lineup with Jon Barry and friends. (Readers note: I'm not unhappy with this, per se, but our replacement English equivalent over here is absolutely God awful. Just trust me on that.) We even managed to get through game three without a single unnecessary Michael Jordan comparison. Good times.

If they could stop the courtside celebrity shots, particularly those of Jack Nicholson, then we're onto a winner.

That is all. Go Lakers.

Hy-pathetical Situation

You're 49-32, fighting for the 8th seed in the playoffs. The team you're battling is 48-32. Even though you have the tiebreaker, you really need to win your last game to ensure the final spot. And it's not going to be easy. It's All Hands On Dick time, with the playoff intensity needing to be in full swing.

What's the first thing that you need?

A drink, obviously.

What a really stupid time for that. A really, really stupid time. There's never a good time, but this is a particularly stupid one.

If I was earning $13 million this year, I'd get some hired help on the driving. I really would. At the very least, you'd get one of your millions of hangers-on to help you out. That's what they're there for, isn't it? Make them earn their free tickets.

It really is amazingly stupid that DUI's (or DWI's, depending on what state you're in. So to speak.) continue to be so rife in the world of professional sports. And I have no idea why it continues. At least no one died, or crashed while watching porn. So that's something.



In other NBA news, I don't know why this is funny, but it is, and it needs posting, but doesn't merit its own post. So we'll make it an addendum to this one.



I don't do captions. Apply within.

How To Get A Job As Head Coach

Two interesting snippets from Marc Spears's latest Celtics Notebook.

Neither of them are funny or mature, therefore they're just perfect for this blog.


1)

Glen Davis is now sporting a Mohawk. No, there was no rookie hazing involved. "Big Baby" said he has wanted one for a while and had his hair cut Monday. Asked what his teammates thought, Davis said, "They said it's horrible." Rivers joked, "I don't think you have to make Baby do things to draw attention to [himself]. He'll draw attention on his own."

(Pictured above)


2)

Celtics assistant Tom Thibodeau has been rumored as a candidate for the Bulls' coaching job. "I don't get into that," said Rivers. "It's the middle of the season. I'm not commenting or talking about that. I want [all my assistants] to get [head] jobs.

(Thankfully not pictured above)



I have nothing insightful of interesting to add to any of this. Just thought I should fire it out there.

Just let it be known that, every time the words "head job" appears in any NBA related context, I'll be sure to mention it.

With apologies to Dwight Howard

In my season preview of the Orlando Magic, written back in October and located here, I wrote something that looks a bit stupid in hindsight. At this point, I'd quite like to try and weasel my way out most of it.

The following are some quotes that I stand by:

It would be very difficult if not impossible to provide a commentary on the Rashard Lewis sign-and-trade while also managing to take an interesting or unique viewpoint, or to say anything that hasn't already been said. So I won't. But I will recommend that you look at the figure that he signed for (listed above), and think long and hard about whether he is worth it. And if you come up with any answer other than "no", keep looking at it until you do. In 2013, a 33 year old Rashard Lewis is going to be being paid nearly $22.7 million. It's freakin' bizarre. Or freakin' stupid, pick your own adjective. Both work.

---

So now, ask yourselves whether the trio of Hill, Milicic and Diener (who should, without a doubt, have played over Carlos Arroyo all of last season, and who is now nicely lined up for a breakout season) is going to help any more than Rashard Lewis on his own. It's a tough answer, but either way, the Magic's player personel did not improve much. If at all.

---

Last season's mediocre performance suggests that the good run to end the 2005/06 season was nothing more than an aberration. With better coaching and better performance this season, the Magic have the opportunity to show that it was last season that was the anomaly instead. If Orlando gets breakout performances from one or perhaps a couple of young players (specifically looking in the directions of Jameer Nelson and J.J. Redick), they could contend for the open Southeast Division title.

If you only read those three passages, then I wrote a damn fine piece. However, I ended it like this:

Perhaps a more realistic expectation, though, would be for a low playoff seed once again.

Um, well, that's proven to be wrong so far.

Currently, the Magic reside atop the Southeast Division, with a record of 22-13. Their nearest rivals in the division are the Washington Wizards at 16-15, who apparently just lost Gilbert Arenas for the rest of the season. And in third place are the Atlanta Hawks, who are trying to justify my playoff call with a 15-16 record and a damn tough schedule thus far.

The Magic are the third seed in the East thus far, which is no mean feat given how the top two teams (Boston and Detroit) are by far and away superior to the rest of the conference. Now obviously they're inevitably going to lose this third to the mighty and surging Chicago Bulls (you heard it here first), but even so, they should still come fourth in the East. And that's not a "low playoff seed".

So somewhere along the line, barring dramatic unpredictable implosion, I've made a boo-boo.

I stand by my views on the Rashard Lewis deal, as he quite frankly hasn't been even nearly worth it thus far. I also can't be expected to have predicted the Keith Bogans Jumpshot Spectacular that's bizarrely given unto us by the Lord this season, although I won't be entirely surprised if he regresses to somewhere near his career norm any day now. The point guard play still isn't very good, although I did overlook the fact that Carlos Arroyo's contract is expiring, which always leads to him giving forth a more concerted effort. And I strongly admire Orlando General Manager Otis Smith's efforts to sabotage his team's good play with another poor trade, needlessly shipping Trevor Ariza to the Lakers for Maurice Evans and Brian Cook, two players who offer nothing that Orlando couldn't have gotten from within. The chances are that Smith has at least one more of those left in the gun yet, too.

But mainly, the prediction is my own fault, and it's rather to simple to see why.

I forgot to account for the fact that Dwight Howard is, quite simply, the shit.

Whoops. Sorry, Dwight.

Actually, no, it pissed me off a great deal (re: NBA in London)

The following note is too long.

People have repeatedly asked me what my thoughts are/were concerning the NBA preseason game played this Wednesday in London. I'm not actually from London, living about 30 miles north of the city's northernmost point. But it's close enough to count, and as close as the NBA is ever going to get to me.

So I will share those thoughts with you now.

I did not go to the game. I originally intended to, but even from several months in advance, I could not seem to get any tickets. I don't care about Boston or Minnesota, but I just wanted the NBA experience, and to be in the same room as this sport and these athletes who I spend a ridiculously huge amount of my life following. There's also maybe an outside chance that I get to hump Fred Hoiberg's leg, so that would be another good reason for going. But alas, it wasn't to be.

My friend Michael tried to sell me his ticket, but I couldn't take him up on the offer. He's well off, and I'm not. He had a good seat, and I could only afford a nosebleeder. So that wasn't an option.

I was therefore stuck with watching the game at home. That wasn't an altogether unpleasant experience, as it marked the first and only time I've been able to watch a live NBA during normal daylight hours from the comfort of my bed. It's only a minor victory, but I'm a man of simple pleasures.

However, being able to do this had its consequences. For those unaware of how this works - which is probably most of you - there's incredibly little coverage of the NBA whatsoever over here in the wonderful island nations of Great Britain. Our basketball leagues themselves are shite, and there's almost no following or foothold for the sport.

In 1997, a terrestrial (meaning free) TV channel was launched called Channel 5 (now simply known as "Five"). One of the channel's earliest features, which has survived to this day, was the concept of having live American sport on throughout the night. They began with baseball, screening ESPN's Sunday and Wednesday Night Baseball games live, along with an occasional but extremely rare showing or two of This Week In Baseball. They also had some hockey, picked up some small NFL coverage (major satellite channel Sky Sports also has some of this, for it is the biggest of the major American sports here), and picked up NBA coverage just a couple of years ago.

Their coverage of the sport features a live game every Tuesday night, with a taped run of NBA TV's highlight show thing played beforehand. It's not much, but it's all that we've got, and so we run with it. The internet is a great resource for us hardened and pathetic fans, but this is all we get TV wise. It's not a lot.

What they do provide, though, is reasonably well done. The in-studio pairing of Mark Webster and Andre Alleyne doesn't offer much in the way of knowledge (Webster is the ultimate utility player, who can present any type of sports show, and who also seems to find radio work as a music, movie and "lifestyle" critic, yet he hasn't watched any basketball since about 1994), while Alleyne knows everything about the British basketball scene but not the NBA. Nevertheless, they provide good comentary and entertainment, play to their strengths, and don't get above their station. The game itself is just a replayed feed of the ESPN/NBC game itself, using American commentary. Which is probably safest.

However, in the run-up to this event, Five have made a bit of an effort. Adverts have run for a few weeks in advance, and they even cobbled together a preview show.

What they did in these adverts, though, annoys me intensely. So much so, in fact, that I did something that I've only done once before in life - I wrote a complaint letter.

I won't go into details, for most of it is outlined below. But basically, Channel 5 insulted our intelligence and potentially half of their viewership by adveritising the NBA brand to only black youths and wiggers. I'd go into this in more detail in this space, but as you're about to see, this post is way too long as it is. So I won't.



Anyway, onto the game itself. Here's what I noticed:


- During introductions, which went on for an overly long time as every single scrub managed to get his name announced, Kevin Garnett absolutely stole the show with a ridiculously long ovation. People in this country don't know anything about basketball, and those that do know merely only the basics (more on that later, re: Darren Bent interview). I firmly believe that I'm the only hardcore fan around. So you can imagine how greatly it disappointed me when Mark Madsen got one of the most underwhelming receptions of anybody. What? Why don't people know and respect who Mark Madsen is? Bastards. I'll have to change this.


- The game started with Boston playing reasonably well on both ends, and with Minnesota having absolutely no offensive strategy whatsoever. However, they hold the lead for almost all of the first quarter, as Ricky Davis is taking (and hitting) everything he can get his hands on. A sequence towards the end of the quarter is extremely indicative of the entire Ricky Davis Experience - off a Boston miss, Davis brings the ball up on a 2 on 5, goes behind the back to evade a gamble for a steal, then pulls up and shoots a three with no one in offensive rebounding position. He makes it. The crowd goes "yay!".

On the next possession, he shoots a 30 foot three in rhythm with 21 seconds left on the shot clock. He does not make it. The crowd does no go "yay!".

Thus starts and ends your entire Timberwolves offense so far without Al Jefferson (who, for some bizarre reason, is starting on the bench, as are all the regularly scheduled Timberwolves starters other than Davis and possibly Ryan Gomes. So it was nice of them to bring their A-game to this one-off sporting event of great importance in a country that really needs to see the cream of the crop to make the sport catch on. Thanks for that, Randy Wittman).


- The experience of this decidedly mediocre game featuring two wildly mismatched teams is awkward enough, without it having to suffer from sloppy presentation. But it does. All NBA basketball coverage in this country is played in with the American audio feed, like I said earlier. But if it's a British Basketball League game, or some Eurobasket/ULEB Cup games, the same commentator does every single game. I've never learned his name other than "Roy", and I don't like him, So it fills me full of dread when I find out that he is the play by play commentator for this game. I'm not going to enjoy this.

Sure enough, within minutes, he fluffs his first name. Struggling for words after a Minnesota miss, Roy stumbles out this seminal phrase:

"And the rebound there.......by the big fella.....number 55.......whose name is.........Estebaaaaaaan, Basteeta!"

He took so long over looking up the guy's name that Brian Scalabrine (who is apparently going by the name Scallerbreen tonight, or so says our Roy) has had to time to run down the other end and clank a jumpshot. And when Roy does stumble upon the right name, he gets it wrong anyway.

Someone give me this fucking job. Do it now.


- One thing Roy does have going for him, though, is that he is a honky. This isn't necessarily a positive, and nor would being black necessarily a negative. But in relative terms, it's a rare and beautiful thing. As outlined above, Channel 5 has apparently decided to try and appeal to one extremely specific market, like a minority insurance broker would. But they didn't stop at the aforementioned adverts - they decided to black out the entire lineup of presenters. While still featuring the regular studio pairing of Mark Webster and Andre Alleyne (one of each there), the sideline reporter for this game is wheelchair basketball star Adrian Adepitan, and in the in-studio special guest for the game is DJ Jazzy Jeff, of all people. Jeff's inclusion in the show is extremely pointless, although he does OK. But Adepitan, while he brings plenty of energy and enthusiasm to the proceedings, doesn't exactly endear himself to the masses. Again, more on this later - racial intergration is going to be something of a subplot to this post.


- Back to the game, and Tony Allen has subbed in. The first two seasons of Allen's career were marked by decent defensive play and athleticism, but incredibly shoddy offensive skills. Without any real ball handling skills and with a bad jumpshot, Allen would turn the ball over a lot, and didn't exactly fit in fluidly with any schemes the Celtics put him in. However, for a two month cameo last season, Allen seemed to have turned the corner, with vastly improved dribbling skills, improving his scorng efficiency roughly tenfold. His knee then blew out, and his season was over. So now that he has returned, is he the Tony Allen of old, or the Tony Allen of old? (If that makes sense. Which it doesn't.)

Based on the incredibly small sample size offered up by this first quarter, it's the old Tony Allen that we see before us, not the reformed Tony Allen. He looks......bad. So here's to small sample sizes - the ultimate ignorance conraceptive.


- Considering this game was a sell out months in advance, there's a ridiculously large number of empty seats in this o2 arena, which wasn't particularly big to begin with. This annoys me. It's a similar problem to what the English Football Association is having with national games in the new Wembley Stadium - corporations and men in suits buy the tickets as a novelty rather than due to their passion for the sport, and then they don't turn up. The same happens in the front row of every year's World Snooker Championship Final. It's stupid. It also appears to have happened here, and so despite the organiser's best efforts to replicate the usual NBA product with unnecessary mid game music, cheerleaders and other such stupid shit, the place lacks atmosphere. Inbounds plays are accompanied with a deathly silence, and you can hear Kendrick Perkins run around shouting on defense. It's eerie, and very unpleasant.

If the NBA had put a better product on the floor tonight (and if Randy Wittman put his best product on the floor), people would focus more on the game. Then they might have a good time. Then they might want to watch it again some day. And then they might become fans of the game. Just a wild strategy I'm throwing out there.


- Towards the end of the first quarter, after a highlight play, the camera pans briefly to a shot of the Minnesota bench. A player who I can't identify (may have been Chris Richard) is seen standing in front of the bench, with no warm-up top on, but with his warm up pants jacked up extremely high. The resulting Simon Cowell-esque trousers look, combined with the garish colour clash of the jersey versus the warm-ups, made him look incredibly stupid. This needed pointing out.


- Another weird facet of this game is that both teams are being treated by the crowd as the home team, getting whooped and cheered in equal measure. The ringside announcer does likewise, shouting names such as Ricky Davis and Brian Scalabrine with similar enthusiasm. This is an odd experience that I've never had before. But it's not necessarily a bad one.


- Kendrick Perkins opened the game with an isolation play that resulted in him making a nice fallaway jumpshot. Since then, he's missed The World's Easiest Layup, flumped around awkwardly, tried to make a putback off the shot clock, and hasn't exactly oozed offensive efficiency. Still, he's alongside Kevin Garnett. It's not that important that he scores, really.


- By this time, Minnesota's lack of offense from anyone not called Ricky is proving to be a going concern. They finish the first quarter ahead, but only because Davis has 16 of their points. No one else has done anything of note, with the exception of surprise starter Theo Ratliff, who has 4 points (one off of an isolation play), and who looks like the Theo Ratliff of old. More on this later, because it's too baffling of a thought at this moment.


- When Minnesota comes off the court to end the quarter, the cameraman (who suffers from a bad case of the shakes all night) once again pans to the Minnesota bench. Juwan Howard comes off the bench to greet the players coming off the court, and puts his arm around Gerald Green, doing the Mr-Miyagi-Daniel-san thing for which he is there. He slaps Gerald on the arse. Then he rubs his arse in a circular motion. Then he slaps it twice more. This didn't need to happen. The athletic bumslap NEVER needs to happen. But if you are ever compelled to do it, just do it once. Anything more and it turns awkward. Juwan has proven this.


- Esteban Batista has grown his hair into a rather fluffy fashion. It doesn't make him look very menacing. Someone needs to have a word.


- Oh by the way, I forgot to mention something. At the top, when I was rambling about commentator Roy McWonderface and the all-black lineup surrounding him, I neglected to mention Roy's (ironically named) colour commentator. The choice for tonight's broadcast is former NBA scrub Steve Bucknell, a man whom you've either never heard of, or whom you confused for the international cricket umpire of a very similar name. The reason I forgot to mention this is that Bucknell has barely said a damn word throughout the entire broadcast to date. This, however, is a good thing, because it doesn't take long to transpire that he is really bad. He may know the game of basketball fairly well, but he, like Roy, does not know anything about any of the NBA players on show. Nevertheless, Buck is a trooper, and after Eddie House comes in and knocks down a three, Bucknell offers up this golden nugget:

"Eddie House is good."

Yep. Thank you Steve, you champ. Why don't you stop talking for a while?

Bucknell also delivers his lines in a monotone and yawn-enducing fashion. But more on that later, too.


- Gerald Green walks around between plays with a snarl on his face and an unnecessarily gangster lean in his walk, rivalled only by that of Tampa Bay Rays starting pitcher J.P. Howell. I'm not sure I like it. At least look a bit happier with your life. You're a millionaire for bouncing a ball around, your life could be worse.


- By the way, Violet Palmer is still Violet Palmer.


- A broken play winds up with the ball underneath Minnesota's basket, in the hands of Esteban Basteeta. The fluffy headed one sells an ever-increasingly elaborate series of up fakes to try and get his defender, Craig Smith, to bite. Smith does not do so, and the reason he does not do so is probably because the fakes were the most unimpressive ones since the days of Anthony Mason. Perhaps Batista should put those toys away now. Or just tone them down slightly. No pump fake should start from the knees and end up with full skyward extension. That's just overkill.


- OK, seriously? To quote Iain Dowie and Twiztid at the same time, Theo Ratliff's bouncebackability is off the chain. He looks younger, he is moving with a freedom not seen since his brief cameo with Portland immediately after his trade from Atlanta, and he's once again trying to block everything with varying degrees of success. He has also demonstrated at least three offensive moves. It's wild stuff. At this point I wish I was able to say something like "if Ratliff has a bounce back year, and Juwan Howard's second wind continues, then don't sleep on these young, talented Timberwolves this season". But I can't. Neither could you if you'd just watched them in that first quarter.


- This is the first game that I have ever seen Corey Brewer play. He has been absolutely unredoubtably awful. His awfulness was highlighted by a wide (wiiiiide) open corner three that hit the side of the backboard. Probably best to just scratch this game of his from my mind and pretend it didn't happen.


- Shave off the beard, Al Jefferson. I know a thing or two about shit beards, for I own one. And you, sir, have a shit beard.


- Roy The Commentator surpasses himself, calling Marko Jaric "Maric" twice on two straight possessions, and then calling Rashad McCants something too unspeakably funny to type here. I wish I could believe that this was on purpose, for it would make me like Roy more. But I can't. He's just that much of an idiot.


- Speaking of McC*nts: serious knee injury aside, has this guy improved any since his first year? All I see is the same one dimensional wild-jumpshot-jacking player as before. I'd quite like that to change. I think Minnesota would quite like that to change, too. He also chews his gum with way too much gusto. It's nice to have a bit of passion and energy in your life, but this shouldn't be the way that he chooses to express it. The gum chewing is so loud, and the arena is so quiet, that we can hear it on the broadcast.


- In my free hand notes, I have written this:

"gerald green has no idea what he is doing"

I can't remember what it references exactly, but I stand by it.


- 7 minutes left into the second quarter, and Minnesota's jumpshot airball count stands at 4. None were worse than Brewer's miss from the corner, athough Ryan Gomes had a very short range shot that he put way too much mustard on that was also pretty ugly. Amazingly they're still winning, despite Boston playing better on both ends of the floor. And it was all because of Ricky Davis's lucid moment.


- Coming up to half time now, and sideline reporter Ade Adepitan has landed us four sideline interviews with celebrities thus far. Those four have been West Ham United footballers Anton Ferdinand and Carlton Cole, Chelsea star Didier Drogba, and Simon Webb from the boy band Blue.

What do those 4 have in common?

(Hint: do a Google image search. And remember what I said earlier about subplots.)


- During a timeout, action cuts quickly back to Webster, Alleyne and Jazzy Jeff in the studio. Alleyne conducts a brief interview with Jazz, whom he calls "Jeff". I thought that was noteworthy. Anyway, Webbo asks Jeff who the best celebrity basketball player is. Jeff responds with "R Kelly's pretty good". Hmm, OK. Not the story I heard, but OK.

Webster then says that he wishes he was R Kelly, then quickly retracts it. Probably best.


- You know, I might like Boston this year. I have no reason to dislike them (apart from James Posey), yet historically I always have. I think it's because I'm naturally adverse to the colour green. This year, though, they have acquired Garnett and Ray Allen, as well we know. This now gives them three eloquent superstars with some semblance of personality and intelligence. I look for these characteristics in basketball players, and Boston now has it. I like that. They also have Scot Pollard.....

....and I'll leave that sentence hanging so that you can finish it to suit yourselves.


- Tony Allen needs wart surgery on his left shoulder. That thing is disconcerting.


- I'd just like to say that I love the fact that Brian Scalabrine is in this league. The only thing that makes me happier than being able to root for him day in and day out, is the fact that he's not on my team. Much like kids falling over in car parks, it's great fun when it happens to somebody else.


- Roy called him Marko Maric again. For God's sake. How hard is your job, Roy? Couldn't you have spent at least 15 seconds learning these things before the show started? Jesus H.


- By the way, speaking of Marko Maric, he's not playing very well today, but I'd dearly love to have him on any team of mine. That is, if he wasn't on a 6 year $40 million contract. And since he is......screw it, Minnesota can keep him.


- Steve Bucknell comes out with his second sentence of the game immediately after Roy says Maric, leading with the opening gambit "this Marko guy". There you go, Steve. At least you dare not try to overcome your ignorance. Sensible to stick with what you know.


- Eddie House ("good") makes a nice no-look pass to a cutting Basteeta for a dunk. The move is instantly replayed, as Roy announces it as being the "E.A. Spoots Go-To Move". So apparently his inability to talk properly stretches beyond just the players names. Hmmm. Maybe he's just caned or something.


- Oh God. Now Lewis freakin' Hamilton is being interviewed. We're now 5 to 0 on the Celebrity Sideline Interview Black Vs White ratio counter. And something tells me we're not quite done yet. It isn't even half time.


- Minnesota is playing absolutely terribly to end the first half, and finally relinquishes their lead, as Boston goes on a quick 13 point turnaround. Worringly, Minnesota is playing their normal bench lineup at this moment, which spells danger for the upcoming season. You should never read too much into preseason, but, if this is the best offensive continuity that they can manage with opening night only three weeks away.......there's going to be tears.


- Marko "Silvio" Maric is at the free throw line. Before he shoots his first shot, Roy lauds Marko's free throw shooting abilities, using the descriptive phrase "absolutely outstanding" to describe them. Marko then promptly misses the first. Has anyone done any scientific research on this commentator's curse thing? I swear it exists. Truly. Someone make this happen.


- In one run-on sentence spanning 8 seconds, using incredibly long vowel sounds, Roy The Commentator said, and I quote:

"Oh look at that dunk, by Paul Pierce! Excuse me, it's Kevin Garnett inside!!! I'll
say that again, it's Kendrick Perkins!!!!!!"

Sweet God. End it now.


- Half time is upon us, and Channel 5 lays on a whole host of nothingness to celebrate this fact. There is an obligatory Luol Deng montage which always accompanies any NBA footage in this country (and I'm totally fine with that), and some more talking with Jeffy Jazz. All Jeff seems to know about is the Philadelphia 76ers, and all his answers lead back to that subject soon enough. Before long, that's where the questions start off at, too. Additionally, British national basketball team head coach Chris Finch joins the studio crew at the half, improving the white American count by a tune of one, bringing the total up to....um, one.

As if on cue, Ade Adepitan has landed a brief interview with Brian Scalabreeeen on the sidelines. Ade opens the interview by saying "They call him Veal", and you've never seen a man's face turn from happy to livid faster than Scalabrine's did at that moment. He maintained this scowl all the time that Ade was prattling off his questions. But when it was Brian's turn to talk, he resumed his consistently chirpy nature. Scowl, smile, scowl, smile, scowl, smile. What an interview. I reiterate my previous sentiments about Brian Scalabrine. Ledge.


- The second half starts, and Juwan Howard is wearing a protective face mask. I can't remember seeing if he wore this in the first half. That's how inconsequential he was. I don't think he did. Either way, it doesn't suit.


- Not long into the second half, and Kendrick Perkins, starting from outside the three point line from straight away, dribble drives to the rim and makes a no-look hand off pass for a basket. I only have one question - where in the hell did that come from? And will it ever happen again? Oh wait, that's two questions.


- Minnesota's first field goal in the second half involves getting the ball to Ricky Davis 20 feet from the hoop, facing away from the hoop, and with everyone else clearing out. Ricky holds the ball for 5 seconds before taking a contested fallaway. It goes in. The crowd goes "yay!". That's the Ricky Davis Experience, folks, coming to a three point line near you.


- Roy calls Theo Ratliff, "Ratcliffe". I am currently priming a rifle.


- Minnesota is continuing their absolutely terrible run of play, one that began back in the second quarter. Boston seems to get a hand on every one of their passes, the Celtics have numerous breakaways including two-on-none's, and the Timberwolves have no offensive flow whatsoever. That said, they've amazingly looked better today when Sebastian Telfair has run the point. And believe me when I say that is not an endorsement of Sebastian Telfair.


- And just like that, speaking of Telfair, he leaves his feet to pass the ball and throws up a wild shot on a subsequent drive. So he's still Sebastian Telfair after all. It's a shame how little this boy has done so far with all the opportunity in the world.


- After a foul stops play and no continuation is called, Jaric shoots a shot towards the rim anyway. Garnett leaps up and blocks it just before it hits the rim, in that way that so many people like to do when the game has stopped. That seems like an activity fraught with danger to me. Maybe not as much danger as, say, nude luge on a sled made of porcupines, but still pretty dangerous. A goaltend is just around the corner. Has anyone been caught out doing this before? I need feedback on that.


- Sebastian Telfair makes a drive to the rim and hangs in the air, finishing beautifully with the left hand. Did I just do the commentator's curse in reverse? Hey, I rhymed. Cool.


- Ray Allen hits a 20 foot jumpshot, which prompts Roy The Commentator to exclaim, "Ray Allen has answered his critics here tonight". Ray Allen had critics?


- Juwan Howard's mobility, always poor, is even worse tonight. He moves gingerly and slowly, not able to get up and down the court faster than Dick Bavetta on the sidelines. And with that mask on, he also looks really silly doing it. Not a good sign here for Minnesota, as Howard remains a complete non factor in the game. The only thing he's down was give Green that cheeky rub up. Still, even a non-existant Juwan Howard is better to have than the net negative that was Mike James.


- Kendrick Perkins misses the first of two free throws, and I think I know why. He doesn't glance towards the rim until the very split second before he releases the ball. I can't see how you can get a decent scope of the distance when doing that. You might want to try looking for a bit longer, Kenny.


- Perkins makes the second. I'd like to think that I've made a difference here today.


- Kevin Garnett has looked quite bad on offense in this game. He's out of sync, a situation not helped by him not getting any touches. Despite being guarded by Juwan Howard and Ryan Gomes for long periods, the Celtics don't seem to have done much with that advantage, and Garnett has barely seen the ball. The rest of his game is all there tonight, but the team's sharing of the ball on offense isn't down pat yet.


- Right on cue, Roy says after a KG rebound, "Kevin Garnett is having an outstanding game". He has 5 points and 6 rebounds at that moment, midway through the third quarter. But I don't blame Roy for saying that. I think he was contractually mandated to say it, given that the only reason that 12,000 of the 18,000 people that are here for this game are only here because they know about Garnett, and the same is probably true of the majority of the viewers at home. (By the way, the empty seats have slowly filled, which is a relief.)


- More from Roy after a Garnett travel: "They haven't a problem with travelling any more in the NBA". Um, really? I think you'll find it may be the complete opposite there, Royster. The only reason you don't see as many travel calls any more is because they don't call them, not because they don't happen. Yeah, we really need to get a real NBA commentator in here. I'm free and willing.


- After that Garnett travel, he gets the ball on the two possessions immediately afterwards. On the first one he shoots an off-balance airball, and on the second he travels again. Definitely a bit of a mare for him tonight, on a night when an entire nation tuned in to watch him. And by "entire nation", I mean like 400,000 people.


- Roy, please stop pointing out the difference between NBA and FIBA rules. It's not like any of the viewing audience out there now the FIBA rules in the first place. And besides, your own grasp of the NBA rules is not that hot.


- Heh. Another interview. This one with another footballer, Aston Villa midfielder (and scourge of my fantasy league team) Nigel Reo-Coker. This whole "only interview black people" thing stopped being a joke a while ago.

In his interview, Nigel says without prompting, "I'm into basketball, obviously", then follows it up with "this is the first game I've ever been to".

Therefore, explain why it's "obvious"? Is it because you are black? Yes, yes I think it is. That's what Channel 5 wants us to learn from this. You're black! You like basketball! Watch our basketball shows! Genius marketing. Genius.


- Roy starts getting a bit too comfortable, and cites that Ray Allen was called for "illegal use of the feet, in the form of a foul". Not sure that terminology is going to catch on there, Roymond.


- HOLY BALLS! A Mexican wave at an NBA game! This baby has some life left in her yet! Maybe this is the moment that basketball was truly discovered in Britain. I love this country. We'll show those darn Yanks how to spectate at sporting events, by God. Someone get drunk and inflate a crowd sized beach ball, like at the cricket. We run this shit now.


- Another travel called on Garnett. But never mind, he'll be subbed out in a minute. Doc Rivers hasn't gone 17 deep yet.


- Minnesota is down 12 at the end of the third quarter. On their first possession of the fourth quarter, Roy says that they are in a "must score situation". Funny, I thought that they were only down 12 with 12 minutes left. But then, what would I know. I ain't a patch on ol' Roy here. Please don't invent drama. Thanks.


- On Roy's advice, Minnesota begins the fourth with some of the best play that they've put up so far tonight. Once again, they look better when Telfair is running things. Although maybe that's more due to the House/T. Allen/Posey/Scalabreen/Basteeta lineup that Doc Rivers is giving a rare but beautiful airing to. Yeah, actually, it's that.


- Follow up point on Batista - ever since he was signed by the Hawks back in the offseason of 2005, I have tracked his progress intensely, and watched almost every minute he played over the next two seasons. Don't ask me why this was, because I don't really know. In that time, I saw nothing of note, other than a good rebounder without an NBA calibre game. The Hawks seemed to agree, leaving him unrestricted this summer. However, after the FIBA tournament (of which I did not see a single minute), everyone waxed lyrical about his awesomeness and all-around skills. I didn't see any of his play in this tournament, nor did I see much skill in his time at Atlanta. But I shut my mouth and chose a path of skepticism.

Tonight's performance has reaffirmed my stance here. He's not good.


- Sideline interview number 7 is with Ashley Walters, who apparently is a big name in the British music scene (what would I know, I listen to bluegrass). He, too, is black. But Adepitan teases us beforehand saying (I shit you not):

"Just to show that we're not totally biased, we're showing someone that isn't....."


........black? Nope........


"......a footballer."

Way, way, way beyond a joke now. Basically, Ade is just interviewing his friends. No, really, he is. You should see how well they're all getting along. Well, except Drogba. And he's just a miserable bastard anyway.


- To follow up on that, you have to understand that I'm not offended by the stream of black people being interviewed just because they're black. Not at all. It's just that it is just really irresponsible for Channel 5 this to not just allow this blatant niche marketing to happen, but also to actively push for it. I'm well aware of the fact that basketball is a big name sport in black communities, and that the majority of players at the top level are black. But there's a reason black people are considered an ethnic minority in this country - it's because there are fewer of them. So by focusing solely on them (oh you are, don't front like you aren't), you're freezing out the majority. And it's not a good idea for a TV channel to freeze out the majority viewership of something they're trying quite hard to make a success. I'm just saying. Make the show appeal to everybody, and see who sticks around. It's not that hard.


- Corey Brewer finally did something right, getting a steal by trapping on the baseline. Then he ran into Violet Palmer and lost the ball. Yep, I'll definitely just disregard this outing.


- Right on cue, Brewer hits a mid range jumpshot. Yay! Start of big things for the boy.


- Midway through the fourth quarter now, and someone seems to have handed Roy a memo on how to pronounce Scalabrine, for he finally gets it right. He then calls Gabe Pruitt "Gabby", and does so for the rest of the game. Shoot me now. No, wait, shoot Roy now.


- The resident court mopper for this game is a man with a big pile of towels. Oh dear. I guess us plucky Brits haven't quite got this NBA thing down yet. Give us time.


- By the way, throughout all this, Craig Smith is still the don. Minnesota has not put up a good showing, largely due to them airing out a few lineups that we'll never see again. But Smith has shined, despite not being particularly effective on offense. Chris Richard, too, has done OK in his limited minutes, and despite currently being the 16th man on a roster of 15 guaranteed contracts, I think Minnesota knows full well that they have to somehow fit this guy in. If they waive him and keep Mark Madsen, it's not exactly going to be easy for McHale and Taylor to prove that they know what they're doing. That's a battle that they've been losing for a few years already. Now would be a good time to turn it around. Don't make a good pick and then lose him.


- I've said it before, but it bears repeating - this colour commentator Steve Bucknell is absolutely awful. Right now it's even weirder than before. As this game draws to a climax, and the atmosphere really picks up, Bucknell's dulcit tones and slow delivery have gotten even worse,and his volume level has gone down. He's now basically whispering. The only advantage is that he's hardly said a word. Someone please get the Jon Champion/Richard The Director's Assistant pairing from the 2000 Olympics coverage back. They had it going on. Alternatively, borrow some knowledgable Yanks for one night only. I bet Kevin Calabro would have done it, and he's sublime.


- The 8th and penultimate sideline interview is with another black footballer. This one is with Darren Bent, the Tottenham Hotspur (booooo!) and England (yaaaay!) footballer. Things get off to a great start when Ade Adepitan introduces him as Darren Brent, a slip that seems to go unnoticed. Also, Ade brings home what I was saying earlier about both interviewing his friends, and also going for the black appeal thing, as he utters the timeless phrase "that top is blinging, blood".

Again, it doesn't need doing. I appreciate that that's how you talk, Ade, and I'm totally cool with that. I have friends from London too. But it's just another example of the problem here - it's making it harder for white folks to get into the program when it's so constant like this. Let's find a middle ground, eh?

The interview also starts with another teasing line, when Ade opens with, "just to show we aren't biased, here's a non-West Ham player". Ho ho ho, once again I thought he was going to say "a white person"!

And it also features stunning insight such as this:

Adepitan: "Who's your favourite player out there today?"
Brent: "Lebron."

Awesome. Five consistently rolling out a quality product.


- Corey Brewer misses two foul shots and then commits a silly foul to complete his bad day, and Doc Rivers goes for it with the full bench lineup over the final 5 minutes. This bench lineup includes Glen "Big Baby" Davis, who absolutely schools Chris Richard on a baseline spin immediately after entering. Davis then proceeds to shine for the final few minutes, which is great fun for one simple reason.

Normally, whenever an NBA game enters garbage time, at least one player of the ten on the floor at the end is a cut above the rest. He's only in there because the team can only have 12 active players a night, and therefore has no more scrubs to offer up. So this one player gets a chance to shine in the final few moments, and the fact that they are so much better than everybody else becomes quickly apparent. Such a situation has arisen here with Davis, who is by far and away the best player on the court for either side. But Marko Jaric thinks HE is this player, and is playing accordingly, shooting sweeping hook shots and fallaway jumpers. He misses them all in due course. You're not doing yourselves any favours here, Marko.

This also marked the first time I ever caught on to the irony of Glen Davis playing in the McDonalds High School game. Hooray for me!


- We just have time for two more snippets of Roy before the final whistle sounds on a comfortable Boston win.

1) After Glen Davis hits a jumpshot: "if Davis doesnt have a contract, he's trying to get one". Come on now Roy. It's a simple matter of record. Just fucking ask me if you want to know. I'm available to help.

2) Starting his summary, Roy again says "Garnett has had a fabulous game here". He really hasn't. Really! It's easy to follow the commentary textbook, isn't it? Now do some proper work.



- At the end of the game, the 9th and final interview takes places. It is with grime and hip hop artist, Dizzie Rascal.

Kill me now. It's not worth the fight any more.




I think I have more passion for the NBA game than the rest of this country combined. A little passion goes a long way. But when combined with the "ins" that I've cultivated in recent years, plus my talkiness and habit for stupid metaphors, I firmly believe that I could single handedly begin to raise the profile of the sport in this country.

And perhaps I ought.

I just don't know how to go about it.