Where Are They Now, 2010; Part 32

- Lindsey Hunter

Lindsey Hunter was finally crowbarred off the Bulls roster a couple of weeks ago. This was a good thing; Hunter hasn't been an NBA calibre player for 5 years, yet in all that time teams have believed so much in his off-court attributes that they have caved to his demands and signed him as a player, rather than as a coach. Never mind, it's over now; Hunter was waived a fortnight ago to make room for Chris Richard, and immediately was hired (reclassified) as a player development assistant.



- Othello Hunter

Hunter was one of eight signings made by the Atlanta Hawks for training camp, but he was the only one to win a spot. The Hawks decided to keep two open spots and Hunter in favour of any of Mike Wilks, Juan Dixon, Garret Siler, Mario West (who they later brought back anyway), Aaron Miles, Frank Robinson and Courtney Sims. Such is the current economic climate.

(By the way, for the last week or so, Courtney Sims's name has been awesomely misspelt on Latinbasket.com. They've corrected the mistake now, but for a while there, this is what it said. [Note; very NSFW.] At least they still list Antoine Walker as "Anthony Walker.")

Hunter stuck with the team until the contract guarantee date, playing all of 29 minutes in that time, recording 11 points and 12 rebounds. When waived, he went unsigned for a few weeks before joining the struggling Ilysiakos in Greece, currently last in the A1 with a 4-16 record. In two games for the team, Hunter has record 47 minutes, 17 points and 12 rebounds. One of those two losses was a 41 point defeat at the hands of Olympiakos.



- Ekene Ibekwe

Maryland graduate Ibekwe was having a good summer league for the Toronto Raptors this year, until he hurt his neck on a fall after performing a game saving block on a Goran Dragic layup. Mercifully, it looked worse than it was, and Ibekwe suffered no permanent damage.

Ibekwe initially returned to Turkey to play for Kepez Bld Antalya, but he was waived before the season began. Later on came a tryout with Iranian team Petrochimi, but that also didn't turn into a permanent gig, and Ibekwe remained unsigned. Finally, in mid-January, Ibekwe was able to hook onto another Turkish team called Genc Banvitliler. It's quite the coup for Genc; Ibekwe was one of the best players in Turkey last year, averaging 19/8/2/2 for Mutlu Aku Selcuk Universitesi Konya and being named a Turkish league all star. But strangely, Genc Banvitliler are a Turkish second division team. I am not sure of the reason why Ibekwe has had to (or chosen to) drop down a division. Nevertheless, he is inevitably beasting there, averaging 20.4 points, 11.0 rebounds, 1.2 assists, 2.1 steals and 2.1 blocks in only 29 minutes per game.




- Mile Ilic

Former Nets draft pick Ilic spent last year in Spain with Cajasol Sevilla, but averaged only 2.2 points and 2.2 rebounds per game in the ACB. He spent the majority of this year unsigned, failing a physical with Crvena Zvezda back in November. However, earlier this month Ilic returned to action with Serbian team Metalac. In his first game with the team, he record 4 minutes and 2 rebounds.



- Joe Ingles

Australian international Ingles went undrafted this past summer, and then attended summer league with the Golden State Warriors. After that he moved to Spain and joined CB Granada, where he is averaging 11.5 points, 4.2 rebounds and 2.6 rebounds in 29 minutes per game. He is shooting only 34% from three point range and has taken as many threes as twos, which is less than ideal.

Ingles's team mates at Granada include Jimmie Snap Hunter and Richard Hendrix, both recently covered on here. Another one is Icelandic guard Jon Stefansson, the emo one who once signed with the Mavericks. Stefansson had been nothing more than an average player in the German league when Dallas signed him, and since leaving he's bee little more than a bench player in Italy. So why did they sign him and stash him on the injured list for a whole year? Not sure. Either way, Stefansson is averaging 9.1 points for Granada this season, shooting 33% from two point range.

If Stefansson can play in the NBA, then so can Andy Rautins. Then again, Stefansson never actually did.



- Ibby Jaaber

Bulgarian international and Brooklyn native Ibrahim Jaaber was announced as a surprise inclusion on the Pistons summer league roster this year. Given his successful European career recently, he didn’t seem to need to be here. Apparently he realised this as well, because he didn’t turn up, and stayed with Lottomatica Roma for one more season. Jaaber is averaging 14.4 points, 3.6 rebounds, 3.1 steals and 2.5 assists per game in SerieA, and averaged 10.4/4.4/2.2/2.5 in Roma's slightly underwhelming Euroleague campaign this year.

I have heard four versions of how to pronounce his surname; Jab-BAR (as in Kareem Abdul), JAY-ber (as in Katelyn Faber), JAR-burr (as in Tiki Barber) or Jabber (as in the Hut). After some research, apparently the last one is right.



- Bobby Jackson

Former NBA journeyman Bobby Jackson retired this past summer after seeing out his final season with the Sacramento Kings. He now works as an ambassador for the team, helping with their fund raising activities and such.

The Kings are holding "Bobby Jackson Night" on April 6th. For only $24, you too can attend an exclusive pregame question and answer session with the man himself, as well as a ticket to the game. The first 10,000 fanswill receive a commemorative Cache Creek Bobby Jackson poster. Be there or.....well, or don't be there.



- Jermaine Jackson

Former NBA journeyman Jermaine Jackson is doing the Langhi this year. Jackson signed last month with a Mexican team called Durango. I don't really understand Mexican basketball, but as far as I can tell, there appears to be two leagues; the LNBP and the CIBACOPA. The LNBP's season finished just last week, as Halcones Xalapa beat Halcones Rojos 4-1 in the Finals, so now the CIBACOPA has just started. Durango are an LNBP team, so Jackson left the team upon their elimination and moved to Argentina to play for Central Entrerriano, the team currently in last place in Argentina's LigaA with a 6-20 record.

For Durango, Jackson averaged 11.8 points, 6.8 assists and 3.8 rebounds. In his 4 games so far for Entrerriano, he is averaging 9.5 points, 5.0 assists and 3.5 rebounds.



- Jim Jackson

Former NBA journeyman Jim Jackson last played in the 2005-06 season with the L.A. Lakers. He is now an analyst for the Big Ten Network.

Jackson still jointly holds the record for most NBA teams played for, tied with Chucky Brown and Tony Massenburg at 12. Drew Gooden is putting on a decent run at it, with 8 in the book before the age of 29; if only he'd played a game with the Wizards in his week there. Bobby Jones and Josh Davis, previously putting on decent runs at the title, appeared to have moved on. (Kevin Ollie is at 11; he's played for 12 different teams, but technically, the Seattle Supersonics and Oklahoma City Thunder appear to count as the same franchise. This seems unfair.)



- Luke Jackson

Former NBA journeyman Luke Jackson has been in the D-League with the Idaho Stampede for at least some of the past three seasons, trying to find his way back to the NBA. However, now 28, Jackson seems to have changed plan slightly, and has moved to Italy. Playing for Carife Ferrara, Jackson is averaging 16.0 points, 5.0 rebounds, 2.3 assists and 2.0 steals per game, shooting 46% from the field, 38% from three and 75% from the line.



- Marc Jackson

Former NBA journeyman Marc Jackson was playing in Spain this year with Xacobeo BluSens Obradoiro in the ACB. He was playing well, too, averaging 14.3 points and 6.5 rebounds per game. In early February however, a couple of weeks after his 35th birthday, Jackson left the team, and retired from the sport to become a cowboy. True story. Or at least, that's what he said he was going to do. I see no reason to doubt him.



Finally.....

- Casey Jacobsen

Former NBA journeyman Casey Jacobsen has spent quite a lot of time lately in Germany, where he finds himself once again this year. Playing for Brose Baskets Bamberg, Jacobsen is averaging 11.0 points, 3.6 rebounds and 2.8 assists per game in the German league, alongside 10.5/2.9/2.0 in the German league. His jumpshot - which decided to stay in Germany when Jacobsen returned to the NBA for the 2007-08 season with the Memphis Grizzlies - is right by his side once again. Jacobsen is shooting a combined 38% from three point range in the two competitions, and has a combined true shooting percentage of .596%.

"Journeyman" is not meant as a pejorative, by the way. It means you've put work in.

Where Are They Now, 2009; Part 26

I'm kind of overexcitable today, with a level of maturity that belies my 24 years of age. I feel pretty much like a small child today. And I feel like a small child today because I've just acted like one. Today, 2nd February 2009, marks the day that I built the first snowman of my life. And here it is:


Experienced snowmen builders out there will have noticed a few faults in my technique. For example, it's plain to see that I've fallen into the usual rookie trap of making a base that is way too big, overestimating what I will have the patience to achieve, and then having to hurridly heap snow on top, crudely falling into kind of a cone shape, making my snowman's body resemble a sumo wrestler melting. Additionally, I don't have any coal, so the classic coal eyes have had to be replaced by a pair of police aviators. I also didn't have a carrot, so a parsnip suffices as the nose, and insulating tape forms a rudimentary mouth shape for no particular reason. I also have no explanation as to why he is holding a retro early 90's tennis racket, or a duck on a stick, but these additions seemed vital at the time. As did the really gay stetson. But I'm proud of it anyway, because it's my first one. And everyone remembers their first time.

Why haven't I built one before? Well, because it's never snowed like this before. And why am I telling you all this? Because I felt like it. Anyhoo. To some basketball stuff.

- Serge Ibaka played in the LEB Gold last year, and has upgraded to the ACB this year. He's not tearing things up at the moment, with sedate averages of 6.1 ppg, 4.0 rpg and 1.0 bpg, but those numbers are pretty good from a 19 year old in the ACB. So much so, in fact, that according to ESPN's Chris Sheridan, his rights are hot property.

- Mile Ilic is also in Spain and the ACB, playing for Cajasol Sevilla, the team currently in last place. Ilic isn't really helping, as he averages 2.2 points, 2.2 rebounds, 0.6 blocks and 1.6 fouls per game through 12 games. Those numbers improved to 6.7 points and 3.3 rebounds in EuroChallenge play, but, now aged 24, excuses of rawness are running thin.

- Ersan Ilyasova is one of the highest paid players in Europe, and is still a restricted free agent of the Milwaukee Bucks. However, instead of being the 21 year old Turk that we believe him to be, he might actually be a 24 year old Uzbekistani, if unconfirmed reports are telling the truth. Ilyasova averages 10.4 points and 8.1 rebounds in the Spanish League for Barcelona, along with 9.6 points and 6.9 rebounds in the Euroleague.

- Jermaine Jackson is with Snaidero Udine, who currently place last in Italy's SerieA. Jackson averages 8.1 points, 5.8 assists and 3.3 steals, as the passer to Rashad Anderson's scorer, but hasn't played since December due to a groin injury, and has returned to the US to get it looked at.

- I've no idea what Jim Jackson does now, but the answer is not 'playing professional basketball'.

- Luke Jackson is back in the D-League, averaging 16.7 points, 5.0 rebounds, 4.1 assists and 3.4 turnovers for the Idaho Stampede. Will he ever make it back for more than 3 weeks at a time?

- Marc Jackson is back to doing what he does best - bumming around Europe, finding work in whichever country he can get. As far as I can tell, though, he doesn't have any right now. Jackson signed with Unics Kazan for preseason, but he doesn't appear to be on their roster, or their season statistics, and I watched a Unics Kazan game last week in which Jackson wasn't even mentioned. So I'm guessing he's not there any more. (By the way, here's something that I learnt from that game: Vladimir Veremeenko = skilled, versatile.....clumsy.)

- Casey Jacobsen is back in Germany, the country that was so good to him back in 2007. For ALBA Berlin, Jacobsen averages 10.0 points, 2.9 rebounds and 1.2 assists in the German league, along with 6.3 points, 2.8 rebounds and 1.2 assists in the Euroleague. Unfortunately, on the latter stage, Jacobsen's shot has left him (just like it did last season) - he's shooting only 33% in Euroleague play, while shooting almost exclusively three pointers. But in the German league, Jacobsen averages 1.62 points per shot, and anyone who knows me knows how much I love that metric. It's like true shooting percentage for lazy people. Good times.

- Jan Jagla is with DKV Joventut Badalona in Spain, a team that features heavily throughout this list. (Or at least, it will do.) Jagla evrages 7.0 points, 3.0 rebounds, 0.7 steals and 0.9 blocks in 17 minutes per game in the Spanish league, rising to 9.0 points, 3.3 rebounds and the same defensive stats in an extra minute per game in the Euroleague.

- Sarunas Yassercabbages is with Panathinaikos, as he has been since falling out of the NBA. For Panathinaikos, Jasikevicius is doing the thing he couldn't do in the NBA - producing. His averages (10.9ppg, 2.9apg in the Greek league, 8.0ppg and 2.3apg in the Euroleague) might not seem like much, but that team is stacked. You've got Jasikevicius, Dimitris Diamantidis, Vassils Spanoulis, Antonis Fotsis.....and they're just the players whose names end in S.

- Finally, for my views on Robertas Javtokas's NBA prospects, click this. For his numbers, keep it right here: Javtokas averages 13.0 points, 5.7 rebounds and 1.0 blocks in the Eurocup, along with 8.6 points, 5.2 rebounds and 1.1 blocks in the Russian league.

Summer signings, round 21

This edition of our fun and voluptuous Summer Signings is highlighted by the fact that there's almost no one in it that you've ever heard of. If all the players in this list get into 80 NBA games combined next season, I will be shocked. In fact, I'll be justifiably flummoxed if even three of them make a roster. It's a sparse'un this time. Onward.

- Casey Jacobsen has signed with ALBA Berlin in Germany. In a previous blog post, I asked semi-mockingly for someone to do some research into which players have been to the German league and still been able to come back to the NBA. Two people mentioned Jacobsen, who was the German league finals NBA in 2007 before spending last season on the bench for the Memphis Grizzlies. This move completes the Grizzly German sandwich (giggidy), but it doesn't really undermine my insinuation that the German league is a bit shit, does it? Casey Jacobsen is all right, but a fringe NBA player. In between these two German stints, he scored 107 points on 115 shots in the NBA, as his jumpshot decided to take the year off. And now he's gone back to Germany where he'll probably star once again and become a champion of the serfs. What does this say about the German league? Basically nothing more than what I've already implied - it's a bit weak.

By the way, one of the two people who told me about C-Jake was an agent, who shall remain nameless. In Googling to see whether this nameless man is, or has even been, Casey Jacsobsen's agent, I found this search result:

"casey jacobsen girlfriend ipmessage lolita masturbation free pregnant women having sex"

So, something for everyone there.


- In a bizarre move, the likes of which have never previously been seen as interesting, the Suns and the Rockets swapped young guards D.J. Strawberry and Sean Singletary. This move is interesting (if you're a nerd) because it's a move that could save both teams money. The Rockets are trying to save money to be able to re-sign Carl Landry and Dikembe Mutombo without paying the lxury tax too much, if at all, and the Suns are trying to save money because they're the Suns. So in this deal, they may have both found what they were looking for. With the minimum of 13 players under contract once Goran Dragic officially signs his deal, the Suns depth chart is pretty much done, and Strawberry figured to be the last man on it again. However, as a second year player, he was to earn the minimum of $711,517, whereas a rookie on the minumum would earn only $442,114. Therefore, swapping Strawberry and Singletary saves the Suns the difference between those two sums ($269,403), doubled for tax ($538,806), and yet they lose nothing on the court, because neither player is going to take it. (Note: Singletary's salary is only partially guaranteed, contrary to what it says elsewhere on this webshite, but he'll make the team anyway, because if he doesn't, they'll have to pay someone else as well.) The Rockets meanwhile take on the more expensive player, but Strawberry's contract is not guaranteed, and so they save the whole of Singletary's salary, while also losing nothing on the court. It's all very interesting stuff if you're the kind of person that will forego a social life and regular sex in order to reinvest that time into calculating Greg Buckner's trade kicker.

(Note: If the Rockets keep Strawberry, then forget I said anything.)


- Joe Crawford has signed with the Lakers for training camp where he can once again do what he did in summer league and outplay Coby Karl. While challenging Tim Duncan to a fight.

- Kaniel Dickens has signed with Napoli, in Italy. See how obsure the list is this time around? Kaniel Dickens represents one of the bigger name players on it. At least he actually played in the NBA last year. That's more than what this next fella did.

- Mario Kasun and Barcelona have mutually agreed to terminate his contract. I don't know why, but we can speculate wildly. Maybe he doesn't think he was being paid enough. Maybe he wasn't getting enough minutes, in his own opinion. Or maybe he had a fight with Andre Barrett. Actually, yeah, it's that.

- Orien Greene has signed for MyGuide Amsterdam. And, if anyone out there should need a guide to Amsterdam....start with the cafes, follow the stench of sex, and work backwards. Soon enough you'll find a 70 year old woman seated in a shop's front window dressed in nothing but stockings and a suspender belt, knitting. As national identities go, it certainly pisses our one of fish and chips, Amy Winehouse, an arbitrary powerless monarchy and drizzle.

- Rod Benson has signed with SLUC Nancy in France. I don't know what the SLUC stands for, but if you change the last letter slightly and put it all in lower case while still suffixed with "Nancy", then it makes for quite a realistic soubriquet for the aforementioned 70 year old woman seated in a shop's front window dressed in nothing but stockings and a suspender belt, knitting.

- Sean Marks has signed for the New Orleans Hornets. How the hell does he do it? He's not a bad player by any means, but...well, he's never really done anything, has he? And yet he's now about to start the ninth year of his NBA career. 8 years, 127 games, 391 points, and still more offers of work. Just doesn't make sense. But fair play to him nonetheless.

- Memphis signed Hamed Haddadi, the only player in the Olympics to average a double double. Another fine move by a fine organisation.

- The trail blazing Portland Trail Blazers signed their 15th, 16th and 17th men in Luke Jackson, Steven Hill and Jamaal Tatum, albeit not necessarily in that order. I have already rambled about Jackson, and have nothing to say about the other two, so that's the end of that torrent of NBA insight. Quick! We're near the end!

- And finally, former Clippers guard and ABA journeyman Fred Vinson has returned to the Clippers as an assistant coach. After reading about this news, I faffed about for a while, and then went to bed. Yet clearly the news had a lasting effect on me, because I then proceeded to dream about Fred Vinson. I dreamt that me, Fred Vinson and Fred Vinson's wife, Mrs Fred Vinson (I don't even know if she exists) were out to dinner in a restaurant. The three of us were huddled around a table designed only for two. I had a steak diane, Mrs Fred Vinson had soup, and Fred Vinson had a largely undistinguished plate of brown. There was laughter, merriment, and much guffawery. I can't remember a single topic of conversation, but dammit, it doesn't matter. The important thing is that I dreamt that I was out to dinner with Fred Vinson.

You don't want to be like me when you grow up.

The Juan Carlos Navarro Experience

After the completion of the Grizzlies's second consecutive piss poor season, Spanish guard Juan Carlos Navarro immediately returned to his native Spain.

Immediately.

And why wouldn't he? A free agent this offseason, Navarro has been roundly stiffed by Memphis, who have managed to mismanage his situation rather spectacularly, in the way that only they know how. Let's recap:


1: Memphis traded a protected first rounder to Washington for the draft rights to Navarro.

2: They then sign Darko Milicic to a big deal, taking up most of their cap space..

3: Then, the Grizzlies completely inexplicably sign Casey Jacobsen and Andre Brown to minimum salary deals before completing negotiations with Navarro, as well as sign Mike Conley to his rookie deal (thus making his cap number 120% of the scale, not the 100% that was billed before he signed.)

As a result, they were left with only just above the minimum left from their cap room to give Navarro ($538,050), after he had already sealed his buyout with Barcelona. Navarro, as a result, had to take the only offer that Memphis could give him - one made unnecessarily piss poor by those stupid and inconsequential Jacobsen and Brown signings - and wound up playing for an overall financial loss last season.

Memphis then sucked gargantuan ass all year, and also traded away Juan's mate, Pau Gasol.

In the end, Navarro left Europe to come to the NBA, where he was treated with less money, less minutes, less acclaim, less wins, and less friends than he had just left his native country for.

So no, I shouldn't imagine that he's entirely sold on the idea of coming back.

Good ol' Memphis. They handled this well. They're a fine organisation at heart.



(But seriously: Casey Jacobsen???)

Game of the week number 2: Grizzlies vs Blazers

Bit late, but, whatever. I was busy. The game took place many days ago now, but dammit, I had taken all the notes and so I had to write them up, even if no one now cares. So here they are.


- It is partly a coincidence that I have the Blazers picked for the second straight week, but partly planned. This seemed like the most appetising game on the menu featuring two of my favourite teams, with youg talent oozing out of every orifice and the chance to get a fresh Casey Jacobsen fix. Win, lose or draw, I'm determined to enjoy myself. And given that I have mancrushes on about 20 of the players on show tonight, that should happen without me forcing it too much.

- Extremely early on, Mike Miller makes a sexy looking finger roll, and I'm happy. I think you should know that the excellence of Mike Miller is going to be a theme in this post, in spite of the fact that he played quite badly. Brian Cardinal will also feature heavily. Leave now if this offends you. By the way, my man crushes aren't exclusive to white people, as you will soon see.

- Damon Stoudamire is starting for the Grizzlies to begin this season, despite the two players behind him - Kyle Lowry and Mike Conley - being way better than him. It's an obvious showcase situation that just might work, for Damon looks to have a pep in his step that hasn't been seen since the day he put up 54 points and 0 rebounds as a Blazers. Hurtling towards 35, with 12 years of experience and some knee surgeries behind him, Damon looks to be catching a second wind of sorts. And that's a good thing. There will probably now be a trade made with him at the deadline. Quietly, I'm hoping that Boston is interested. It's not especially likely, but there's a chance that it could happen. And this might mean that Brian Cardinal and Brian Scalabrine wind up on the same team at the same time. Get excited, Memphis.

- Channing Frye, starting tonight for Portland, hits a 22 foot jumpshot. Two possessions later, he airballs a hookshot. I don't want to say Malik Allen, but he's headed that way, and it's depressing. He has so much more than that.

- In a high energy start to the game (which I was hoping for), there's a lot of coast to coastage going on. Martell Webster misses an easy fastbreak layup, the ball is down the other end of the court within about half a second, and Rudy Gay crushes home a dunk just like Webster should have done. This causes Blazers colour commentator Mike Rice to utter his first stupid comment of the day, remarking that Gay looked Pippen-like on that finish. Easy there, Mike. It was only an uncontested dunk.

- People have to stop calling Pau Gasol soft, you know. Half of his offensive possesions involve catching the ball at the elbow and clattering his way wildly towards the hoop, drawing fouls. That's not soft. It's ugly and a bit clumsy, but it's not soft. And it works. Let's disband the myth.

- Mike Rice calls Darko Milicic "Millisits", twice. More to follow.

- In what is currently a swishfest, Webster and Frye hit jumpshots as Portland takes a 9-6 lead, On another breakaway, Rudy Gay airballs a layup. Mike Rice doesn't mention Scottie Pippen this time.

- A few possessions later, Gay spins from the top, hangs in the air, hits the foul line jumpshot and draws a foul. Rice describes it as a "H.O.R.S.E. shot from the YMCA!". I only have one question - what actually IS a YMCA? I'm not very worldly, you see. I'm also highly influenced and seem to believe it's something to do with gay cowboys. Please help set me straight.

- Mike Rice just called Millisits "Darko". Good move. Probably best to put that whole surname thing to bed.

- I think I've found a reason why Memphis loses. They run very hard one way, and waddle the other. Yeah, that needs fixing.

- Portland head coach Nate McMillan is sporting a rakish if somewhat brave tie. Hats off to him. There's no need for the stoicism provided by most ties. Be daring. It's not a huge statement, but it's something.

- LaMarcus Aldridge blocks a Stoudamire layup attempt, caushing play by play commentator Mike Barrett to shout "don't bring that into LaMarcus Aldridge country". Unfortunately, he didn't say that, as he got distracted and tailed off towards the end, missing a syllable. You can guess which,

- Fresh from his Darko Millisits magic, Rice follows up by calling Gasol "Paul", which is something that I thought the whole NBA world had gotten over about 4 years ago. I sigh at this point.

- Marc Iavaroni has a hell of a forehead on him, it has to be said. He also has something of a profound neck going on there, and it's a good combination, even if it does make him look a bit like a librarian. Incidentally, speaking of awesome coaches foreheads, come join in the fun that is the "Draw things on Scott Skiles's forehead game. It's childish, but so am I.

- I love Mike Miller. But I don't think matching him up against Brandon Roy is going to be especially fair here. I hope I'm wrong.

- It's just occured to me that the arena in which Portland play is the Rose Garden, and that Lynn Anderson sung about such a thing all those years ago. So I've finally made the connection that the rest of the free world made about 25 years ago. Hooray!!

- Memphis is running a lot of post-up plays for Millisits, and three times already, Darko has gone left and made short hook shots. Why do so many post defenders let left handed players go left with ease? It made Othella Harrington's entire career, dammit. At some point you need to train yourself to know what's coming.

- Pau Gasol eats Aldridge alive on the defensive end, as LaMarcus doesn't challenge the shot in any way, but does manage to foul. For all of Aldridge's improved offense, this isn't the first time recently that his head isn't into it on defense. It's a shame because he's good at it. I hope he doesn't become like Rasheed Wallace. And the whole of Portland is probably hoping that too.

- In my notes, I have written down how Jarrett Jack has come into the game and gone straight to the shooting guard position with Brandon Roy running the point guard duties. However, in my rushed short hand, I've written only "Jack off", which needed to be shared. Thank God Rudy Gay's name wasn't in that note.

- This game is still fun. With three minutes lin the first, Memphis is leading 24-21. It's pretty fast stuff.

- Ghostface Przybilla checks into the game as McMillan tries to find a way of stopping Milicic and Gasol, who have scored freely inside. So that's now three of my favourite players of all time on the floor at once, with Miller, Gasol and Przybilla out there.

- Speaking of, in comes Casey Jacobsen. Awesome.

- Barrett reads out the stat that 22 of Memphis's first 26 points have come from in the paint, and you haven't needed to be watching very hard to believe him. Things have been rather pourous in there. Straight away after Przybilla enters the game, Mike Miller shoots a three and misses. Yeah, you're right to to be scared, Mike.

- Darko goes for another left handed hook, and misses qutie short on it. He was defended on the play by Joel Przybilla (obviously), whose strength and general brilliance made Darko take the shot from about 3 or 4 feet away from where he shot his earlier ones that he made. It's fair to say that Joel Przybilla is a game changer.

- Roy shoots a fadeaway, and misses, but the Blazers get the offensive rebound. I'll let you guess who did it. CLUE = It rhymes with Noel Przykilla.

- Does referee Jimmy Clark dye his hair or his eyebrows?


- Going up for a dunk, Przybilla gets partially blocked, and gets the ball wedged between the rim and the backboard. Strength, tenacity, persistence, ineptitude. The total Przybilla package, all yours for only $6 million a year. I want one.

- A three possession run sees Przybilla grab an offensive rebound, block a shot by Mike Conley, then grab another offensive rebound. I appreciate that the Przybilla talk may be getting annoying, but right now he's dominating this entire game and it's hard to not talk about him. I need a suitable distraction.

- Ah, there's one. Kyle Lowry enters the game. I'm a massive fan of Kyle Lowry, as everybody should be. He's the next Jason Kidd. Bollocks to Mike Conley. This now means that Memphis is sporting the perimeter trio of Lowry, Jacobsen and Miller, which makes me a truly happy bunny.

- Mike Barrett reminds us all that tonight is Greg Oden bobblehead night. Hmmm. Maybe they should have rescheduled that.

- During an advert break, an advert for Adidas or whoever it was comes on, and Dwyane Wade comes on, looking moody, then shouts "Der-WAAAAAAAYNE, WADE". I'm not sure how this helped advertise the product, nor how anyone could find it enthralling or otherwise. But hey ho, I'm just a cynical bastard.

- The same advert break cuts back just in time for us viewers to catch the last few seconds of the Dunking Elvises (Elvii?) trampoline spectacular slamball thing. It was awesome. I'd watch about an hour of that and the grin on my face would never waver. Make it an all-star event. Make the competitors wear fancy dress. Do this now.

- Memphis scores 6 quick points to stretch the lead out to 32-23. And at this point I've just noticed that Mike Conley, Tarence Kinsey, Hakim Warrick (injured) and Brian Cardinal aren't in the game, and haven't been at any point. Memphis, if you need help in rehoming any of those 4, get me a job as an NBA GM and I'll gladly assist.

- Mike Rice called Hakim Warrick "War Wig". There's plenty more from The Mike Rice Show to come, but as you may have gathered, I'm not a fan. This is because he is crap.

- Pau Gasol has 17 of Memphis's 32 points, coming on 8-9 shooting. I say this only to re-emphasis how sloppy Portland's interior defense has been so far. Paul is repeatedly going at Aldridge, and winning. Concern.

- Hey, Tarence Kinsey is in! Cool. I like Kinsey. But if any two players were going to get in ahead of him, then I'm glad it was Jacobsen and Miller.

- A Memphis offensive possession sees Casey Jacobsen stand in the corner with his arms up for 12 seconds, then running back on defense. This is why I love Casey Jacobsen and his one dimensional genius. He looked genuinely upset that he didn't get to shoot.

- Kyle Lowry is the next Jason Kidd. I've mentioned this before and I'll mention it again.

- As much as I like Mike Miller, he really could use a more heterosexual choice of headband.

- Right on cue, Mike Miller goes to posterise Joel Przybilla, going up strong for the dunk. There can only be one winner. And naturally, it's Joel Przybilla, as he meets Mikey at the top and blocks the ball away. A part of me dies watching this, but again, as above - if Miller's going to lose out to someone, then it would have to be Przybilla. It makes it all right.

- Memphis assistant coach Johnny Davis looks like the result of one of those image morphing websites, With this in mind, I used one such program and tried to restore Davis's head to that of a normal person. The results were, um, staggering.

Before:



After:


It didn't need to be done, but it has been, and it was educational.

- Memphis leads 40-28 at this moment, with only one turnover. They're playing crisply on offense and Portland is doing little about this, particularly on the inside as we have already covered. Annoyingly, Mike Rice is using every opportunity possible to spew forth bilious hate towards the rookie referee in charge of this game, whose name he chooses not to use, instead running with the term "the rookie ref". Rice seems to believe that all his calls are to be questioned because of who he is, and that he isn't worthy to call a foul on a Portland player. It's very annoying to say the least, and it's going to feature in upcoming stanzas. So read on, loyal viewer.

- Joel Przybilla blocks a Darko Milicic dunk. Like any other eventually was even possible.

- Mike Miller commits a foul, and protests it. Mike Barrett mentions how Mike Miller has "never committed a foul [in his own mind]", and Mike Rice likened Mike Miller's complaining to that of Tim "Mike" Duncan. This post isn't necessary, I just wanted to say Mike a lot. Mike Mikey Mike Mike.

- Conley enters the game, upping the Mike tally one further. Bizarrely but not exepectedly, he goes straight into the backcourt alongside Mike Lowry, who stays in the game. This has to make you think - despite Lowry being far from a sure thing, especially after such a short run last season, it's obvious to anyone that he's really good. He's a point guard of the future calibre prospect for this team. So why then did they draft another one at 4 this year, even if Mike Conley is really good? Do they foresee a situation in which the two can play a lot alongside each other, or do they want a T.J. Ford/Jose Calderon thing going on? Neither of those scenarios would be bad, but they aren't necessarily optimum use of assets. So we'll see how this plays out.

- Immediately, Conley breaks a full court press, glides past the defense (if that's what it's called) of Steve Blake, and draws an and-1 on Przybilla. Maybe that's why they drafted him, then.

- The rookie referee calls LaMarcus Aldridge for hooking as he made his move down low. Instantly, Mike Rice once again calls into question this referee's tenacity and reasons for being alive, condemning him spitefully and mercilessly. He ignores, of course, that it was actually a foul.

- Sideline reporter Rebecca Haarlow - who may or may not be fit, she's too silhouetted to really see - interviews the wife of Darius Miles about her upcoming child birth. In response to Haarlow's question of "what are you doing to get ready?", Brandi Miles replies "Praying", which seems odd. But it's not as odd as the Blazers actually acknowledging that Miles is still a part of the organisation. I can't say I saw that coming.

- LaMarcus Aldridge commits a charge on Kyle Lowry, but the charging foul is not called. Replays clearly show that it was a missed call by the referee, who just so happens to be the immortal "rookie ref". However, since this no-call went Portland's way, Mike Rice chooses to overlook his nemesis's decision this time. Quel suprise.

- Mike Conley penetrates the lane and kicks out to Kyle Lowry, who hits a three.

- Kyle Lowry penetrates the lane and kicks out to Mike Conley, who hits a three. Yeah, I always knew this pairing would work out. Memphis leads 57-43. At this moment, Casey Jacobsen subs in, clearly in it for some three point shooting while the getting's good.

- Mike Rice calls Darko Millisits "Millishits". I'd like that to have been Freudian, but it wasn't. He's just bad at commentating.

- Mike Conley continues to destroy Steve Blake, which is more of a damning statement about Blake than it is an endorsement for Conley. Sitll, he looks good.

- It's now halftime, Memphis are leading 61-49, and I opt to enjoy one of the major advantages of taped delayed games - I skip straight to the second half, ignoring the tedious half time show. Yup.

- Damon Stoudamire is back out on the floor to start the second half, and Mike Rice is quick to congratulate him on being Damon Stoudamire. He calls him "Super Mouse", "one of my favourites", and a man who "knows everything about the game, like Danny Ainge". Make your own jokes here. I'll just roll my eyes at the Super Mouse thing.

- Steve Blake, would you PLEASE let Brandon Roy touch the ball? I know you're officially the point guard, but Roy is a better one of those than you are.

- Channing Frye is also back into the game, and he airballs a layup after expecting to draw contact that never came. Thw window is closing on this guy, I tell you.

- On another post move, Darko Milicic finally goes right. It's an alien concept to him, and he travels.

- Mike Barrett makes a good point - is Mike Miller shutting down Brandon Roy? Roy certainly hasn't done much yet, and Miller has chased him relentlessly off the ball, showing unusually good lateral quickness. So maybe he is shutting him down. Or maybe Steve Blake is shutting Roy down. Or maybe Roy's just doing his first half passiveness routine. Or all three.

- Super Mouse successfully runs a pick and roll with Millishits, who dunks the ball. While running back on defense, he inexplicably slaps himself in the face. I can only think that this was a Darius Miles shoutout that went a bit wrong.

- The Blazers are running some kind of promotion called the Steal Of The Game or something, in which you buy tickets for 10 games, get an 11th one free, and also get two free basketballs. Something like that, anyway. As Barrett reads out the scripted promotion speech for about the third time tonight, Rice randomly intercepts with the sentence "did you see what 'Sheed in Detroit the other night?". Barrett politely answers "yes", then continues with the rest of the speech. Barrett is a competent if not great announcer, but Mike Rice is making him look wonderful, beause of how bad Rice himself is. It's the ol' Joe Morgan and Jon Miller scenario in an NBA setting.

- It feels like only 5 years ago that Raef LaFrentz was a valued commodity and one of the league's best young centers. This is because it was. Capable of 5 blocks and 5 three pointers in any given night, LaFrentz was hot shit, , even if he couldn't stay healthy. And yet now, not far down the line, the injuries have caught up with him and he's left as an incredibly expensive DNP-CD machine. Upsetting, really. I like the fella. And he also looks like the drummer out of Scouting For Girls, a band that you've never heard of, but who I'm publicising because I'm their friend and because I can. Buy their stuff. Do it now. And tell your friends.

- Brandon Roy steals the ball on back to back possessions, both of which lead to baskets. On the first trip he leads the break, and on the second he finishes it. This leads to Mike Barrett reading out the rather amazing statistic (if I heard him correctly) that Portland had only 3 steals all season up until tonight. That's such an anomaly that I might have simply misheard him. Naturally, I couldn't be arsed to look it up and be sure.

- Both of those steals came on errant passes from the high post by Pau Gasol, who then throws it away on a third straight possession before being bailed out by a foul call on Webster, the pass intercepter. Why Memphis is suddenly giving it to Pau in the high post, where he can't do much, instead of feeding him in the low post where he did so much damage earlier, is a bloody good question that no one seems to have asked. Memphis still leads, but the lead is cut to 63-59, and Portland has momentum.

- After a Steve Blake turnover, Mike Miller is blocked again on the ensuing break, this time by Webster. It leads to a fastbreak going the other way, which LaMarcus Aldridge finishes with an and-1. The momentum is still very much with Portland, and Brandon Roy is starting to take over the game, collapsing the defense at will and running the entire offense to great effect. Just one question - where was this in the first half?

- Mike Rice calls Kyle Lowry "Kyle Lorry". It's not an accent thing. He just can't say any names, it appears.

- Pau Gasol goes to the bench with 4 fouls. This is a good thing, because in comes Brian Cardinal. Woohooooo!! The run-stopper himself.

- Incdientally, while looking up the other day any nicknames Mike Miller may have, the only one that I could find for him was "Skinny". It's pretty apparent why he doesn't go by this any more, so we need to find Miller a new nickname. Apply within.

- Stromile Swift is also in, and almost immediately commits a turnover. People need to end the comparisons with him and Tyrus Thomas - apart from being athletic and from LSU, there's basically nothing to it. When Stromile can pass and dribble like Tyrus, let me know. Portland scores on the subsequent possession, and it's a one point game.

- At this point, Brian Cardinal takes and makes a no-doubt three from the corner. I told you he was a run stopper.

- On a post up, Cardinal goes to take the charge on Aldridge, falls, but doesn't get a call. Aldridge jumps over him, dunks, and then taunts the stricken Cardinal. Be careful there, champ. Brian Cardinals lash out when they get angry, and they can be a very volatile beast.

- Speaking of LaMarcus Aldridge, he's scoring a lot tonight, but a lot of it comes from opportunity baskets. This isn't a bad thing, for it shows good all around offense on Portland's part, particularly by Brandon Roy and good instincts of Aldridge's part. It's just worth nothing. He's continuing to prove, though, that he isn't nearly the one dimensional jumpshooting offensive player that his haters seem to pigeon hole him has. Basically I'm saying that he's not Channing Frye.

- On a call regarding the possession arrow after a strip, the rookie referee overrules the white-headed-dark-eyebrowed Jimmy Clark, giving possession to Portland instead of Memphis. Replays show that the rook was righ tto do this, as Clark got the call wrong. So, does Mike Rice credit the rookie ref, given that he achiueve the unlikely triple headeer of getting the call right, having the balls to overrule the old timer, and also give a decision in Portland's favour? Does he bollocks. Instead, he credits Clark for letting the rook overrule him. Sometimes you have to wonder if Rice believes in this misguided inflexible referee hierarchy thing that he seems to have invented. It sure looks that way.

- Mike Rice then promptly calls Steve Blake "Steve Beck". I'm picking a lot on Mike Rice here, but it's impossible not to. To coin a phrase, he's fucking shite.

- Stromile Swift does one of those statement blocks where instead of simply catching the ball or caroming it to a team mate, he swats it into the first row, allowing Portland to regain possession. Old dog, new tricks, and all that jazz.

- Travis Outlaw, quiet thus far, makes a nice finish on the break, also getting a foul shot courtesy of a Brian Cardinal foul. Mike Rice compares the finish by Outlaw to Jerry West. The comparison is valid, given that they have had similar careers. Well, sorta. One is on the NBA Logo recognised by millions and weas thie shit both as a player and a GM, and one backs up Channing Frye. But essentially they are equals.

-

Not sure what I was trying to say here.

By the way, you know how women seem to love it when men have good handwriting? Well, I'm single. I think my handwriting reflects this.

- I truly appreciate Jarrett Jack's eyebrows. That is all.

- Stromile Swift commits an offensive foul as Przybilla takes charge. Mike Rice chooses that moment to heavily compliment the rookie ref for making the call. Wow. That was unexpected.

- On the ensuing possession, the rookie ref calls Travis Outlaw for a travel. Rice's comment: "I thought he [the ref] was improving". Again, the fact that the correct call was made gets overlooked. And I really don't think Rice said that with any hint of irony in his voice.

- We're treated to more Dunking Elvis action, and I'm still loving it. This should take place in the backround at all games at all times. I'm sold.

- Mike Rice asks the players of both teams to "bump and grind more". 'K.

- Cardinal turns down a wide (as in wiiiiiiiiide) open three, favouring the one-pass-too-many option instead. Apparently Brian Cardinals as a species don't get angry after all, but rather, they curl up into a ball like hedgehogs and wither. That's a shame.

- Darko Milicic is fouled on a missed layup, his fifth missed layup/dunk of the night. Mike Barrett - not deadpanning, just incorrect - mentions that Milicic has "been playing well tonight". A rare slip from Barrett, who is still being elevated to legendary status purely because of the inane sod next to him.

- This is the first game I've ever watched Mike Conley play. And I think I've gotten a pretty accurate scouting report on him - he's going left. Always.

- The game is tied at 79 after a Martell Webster three, one opened up from Brandon Roy once again collapsing the defense. Part way through last season, there were rumours about Brandon Roy playing point guard full time. These rumours were quickly shot down, and the signing of Steve Blake to go with Jarrett Jack and Sergio Rodriguez, as well as the drafting of Petteri Koponen and Taurean Green, seem to support the idea that it's not going to happen. However, given how good he is at it, it bloody well should. Or at least, they should bring in a high quality shooter and good defnsive player to play alongside him. Beck isn't it, and while Jack might be one day, he probably won't be. Ideas on a postcard please.

- Mike Rice double whammy - after Martell Grand National makes a defensive stop, Rice says "one time, you could make that play against Martell Webster, but not now in 207", and then calls Kyle Lowry "Lorry" for the second time. Both are seemingly meaningless slip-ups, but they are part of a long pattern of cock-ups that Rice has produced tonight. It's made weirder by the way that 8 words after calling him Lorry, and still in the same sentence, Rice manages to then get his name right. Strange times.

- I swear to God "Dude Looks Like A Lady" just played when Mike Miller was shooting a free throw.

- Mike Barrett comment during a Milicic miss - "inside to Darko, who hasn't scored in.....a couple of years". See, Mike Rice, that's how it's done. With good flow, correct names and some articulation, Barrett has managed to both make a funny and undo his previous mistake. Learn from this, and spend more than 8 seconds on your pre-game notes. If you took any.

- Darko is subbed out for Gasol, and pounds his chest on the way to the bench. This, plus the face slappage thing, make me believe that he's a bit of a masochist. Kinky.

- Straight away after the 4 foul Gasol re-enters, Portland goes straight at him, and LaMarcus Aldridge goes up with the left hand and finishes over him. Portland now leads 86-84 after trailing for most of the game, and they have nullified any consistent Memphis threat in the second half. Memphis haven't really had a plan, which hasn't helped. They've also slowed the pace right down after the earlier high tempo game was working for them, and this has played into Portland's hands. A Jarrett Jack three pointer makes it 89-84 to Portland.

- At this moment, the rookie referee calls an offensive three second violation on a Memphis player whose name I forgot to write down. Mike Rice treats this call with utter disdain, exclaiming "how can he call that?!?!?", citing the close end-game circumstance as his defense. He may have the vague outlines of a point had the offensive player not been there for nearer 14 seconds than three. Rice's hate for the rookie is renewed, as is mine for Rice. By the way, when I was aged 5, I ate a plate of rice and cabbage one day at school, and was then sick over my plate. I haven't deliberately eaten rice or cabbage since. True story. Dull story.

- "It must the the fourth quarter, for Brandon Roy has the ball in the middle". This observation by one of the Mike's At The Mikes is accurate, yet irritating - it doesn't need to be this way. Roy drives the lane, scores the bucket and a foul on Pau, misses the free throw, grabs his own offensive rebound, and makes a jumpshot from the wing. In case I haven't mentioned this before, Brandon Roy is the shit. Not shit, but THE shit.

- Jarrett Jack is having a good fourth quarter, and is now up to 14 points for the game after making a tough banker. I don't get why people underrate him so much, or why Portland seems so set to replace him. He's a nice player to have. Portland leads 95-90.

- Both teams have gone away from any kind of offensive strategy, and Brandon Roy and Roy gay take it in turns to isolate on every possession. Gay is quietly having a teriffic night with 30 points, but Portland has Roy, the edge, the home crowd and the momentum. Despite it being a close game with time left, you can't foresee Memphis winning it any more. Portland has just stepped up and taken it.

- On cue, Kyle Lowry grabs an offensive rebound and makes a putback with an and-1 possibility. Rice calls him "Mr Two Possession", the first Rice comment that I've agreed with. Watch Kyle Lowry destroy Dave Berri's Wages Of Wins ranking next season. It's going to happen.

- Jarrett Jack makes another three. Memphis has resumed a running game, pushing the ball on Portland makes like they did early to great effect, but it's a bit futile now, as Portland takes an insurmountable lead. Jack follows up his three with his third circus layup of the game, although it is wrongly waved off in favour of two free throws, both of which he makes.

- The final minute of the game is a free throw shooting contest, as Memphis tries in vain to close a near double digit Portland lead. Kyle Lowry misses two free throws as Portland makes theirs, helped out by a lane violation by a Memphis player with 22 seconds left (Mike Rice doesn't question the call, obviously). Portland closes out the game in a professional taking-care-of-business kind of way, and the better team won. The talent on show in this game was awesome, but Portland are that much further along in their development.

It's a game which, if you didn't watch it, you should have done. These two teams won't compete for anything this year, but they are two of the best young lineups in the league, both of whom know how to get out and run, making for exciting basketball. The fact that so many of my favourite white stiffs were on show as well was always a bonus. The game had something for everybody, and everything for somebody.

That somebody was me. I had a great time. I'd better go and write week three's game now.