Where Have You Been, 2009; Part 33

- Darrick Martin was waived by the Raptors midway through last season, and chose that moment to retire. Martin then stuck with the team anyway, in a sort of informal consultancy capacity. Maybe he consults with Will Solomon on how to take more shats. Martin recently has a court dedicated to him, news which would have been funnier if they'd named it the Derrick Murray Court instead. (Inside jokes all!)

- Torrell Martin started the season with Kepez BLD Antalya in Turkey, averaging 13.0 points and 6.7 rebounds per game, before upping sticks and moving about 20 feet to Greece. In 3 games for Kavala/Panorama, replacing Billy Thomas, Martin averages 11.0 points and 4.7 rebounds.

- Jamal Mashburn now does studio work for NBA Fastbreak, and is quite good at it too.

- Chet Mason started the season in the powerhouse known as the ABA, playing for the Cleveland Rockers. Thankfully, he then stepped it up a notch, and was acquired by The Arsenal. Mason averages 11.3 points, 6.1 rebounds, 2.5 assists and 1.3 steals per game.

- Tony Massenburg is the stuff of dreams. After shocking the world by signing with the Wizards for 2007 training camp, despite having been out of the game for two years and 40 years old by that time, Massenburg didn't stopped there. Perhaps unsurprisingly waived by the Wizards, Massenburg kept up the Tony Massenburg basketball legacy, by signing in Puerto Rico. In three games with Capitanes de Arecibo, Massenburg averaged 14.7ppg, 9.7rpg and 1.7apg. Unfortunately, Massenburg is currently unsigned, and the dream of a 13th NBA team might be over again. But give it 18 months and he should get another shot.

- Bryant Matthews is out of prison and in Romania, which is probably much the same. (Joke!) For CSU Atlassib Sibiu, Matthews averages 21.5 points, 7.8 rebounds, 2.7 assists and 2.7 steals.

- For all your Loukas Mavrokefalidis news and views, click this. And then get HYPE.

- James Mays started the season with the Colorado 14ers, averaging 18.7 points and 8.7 rebounds in 12 games after being drafted second overall in the D-League draft. Unfortunately, he popped his knee out on the 30th December, and is out for the season.

- Walt-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh McCarty is an assistant to Rick Pitino at Louisville.

- Amal McCaskill is a busy boy, always doing the rounds in the leagues that you barely consider. McCaskill-free split last season between the CBA and the United Arab Emirates (which, I assume, pays rather nicely for former NBA talent), before resuming his world tour this season. Amal opened the season with Magnolia Beverage Masters in the Philippines (as always, remember that if the team has an awesome name, it's probably in the Philippines), before moving on to Qingdao Double Star in China. In keeping with the tradition of former NBA players in China, McCaskill beasted, to the tune of 20.2ppg, 12.1rpg, 2.9apg and 1.9bpg averages. McCaskill now resides in Bosnia, playing for Bosnian league leaders BC Igokea, but I have no idea what he averages. Here's a great picture of him, though.



- Finally, Jelani McCoy is another ex-NBA near-7 footer doing the Chinese thing. For the Zhejiang Guangsha Lions, serving as the replacement for Nigel Dixon, McCoy averages 27.9 points, 11.6 rebounds, 1.9 assists, 3.4 fouls, 1.7 steals and 1.3 blocks per game, shooting 74% from the floor. If you think that's good, then check out Zhejiang's other American import (you're only allowed 2), Rodney White, who averages 35.6 points, 8.2 rebounds and 5.5 assists. The Chinese league is fantastic. I wish I could watch this stuff.

Top 24 NBA Sex Scandals Of The Last 15 Years

In case you missed it, a story "broke" (if that's the right way to phrase something that's been around, but underacknowledged, since about 1998) NBA legend Karl Malone knocked up a 13 year old girl when he was a college player. Why this has gone past us so quietly is a mystery, but it does seem to be just one more in a long list of recent NBA sex scandals. And so here is that list.

Stories listed in no particular order.



LIST OF NBA PLAYERS (and owners) IN RAPE/WEIRD NAUGHTY SEX STUFF SCANDALS:


1 - Karl Malone: See above.

2 - Bryant Matthews: Former Raptor (for about a week) only got out of jail earlier this year for a rape charge in which he walked in on his friend and his friend's girlfriend having sex in a hotel room, and stuck his fingers in her lovely lady lump. His in-court defense was "[I] thought she was cool with it". Apparently she wasn't. Served nine months.

3 - DeShawn Stevenson: Had consensual sex with a 14 year old when he was 20, which isn't rape in the she-didn't-want-it sense, but which is clearly statutory. Pleaded no contest to sex with a minor. Was sentenced to 2 years probation and 100 hours of community service, which somewhat sadistically was served at a "Boys And Girls" club.

4 - Ruben Patterson: Sentenced to a year in jail (all but 15 days of which were suspended) after pleading no contest to an attempted rape charge on his nanny. Allegedly, she came in to find Patterson standing naked, masturbating. He then forced her to gigoogidy his gerschmoigin, and ejaculated within seconds. Only then did he let her leave. Allegedly. Also fined $100,000 by the Blazers, which seemed a little ironic since they'd just given him $35 million, even with this charge hanging over him. Additionally received 2 years probation, a $5,000 fine and had to pay the nanny.

5 - Chris Webber and Juwan Howard: Accused of sexual assault. Jury decided not to indict. Howard later sued the accuser, won, and donated his $100,000 settlement to a rape crisis centre.

6 - Ron Mercer, Antoine Walker and Chauncey Billups: Details on this are sparse, but apparently they were sued for rape. Why would you sue for rape? Why wouldn't you press charges? I don't get it. Either way, no charges were brought, and an out-of-court settlement was reached. (The incident took place at Walker's home, where - allegedly - he walked in on the act, and declined his housemate Michael Irvin's invitation to dive right in there. Strange times.)

7 - Andray Blatche: Arrested and charged with solicitation. Was sentenced to attend a day's seminar on the dangers of prostitution, which seems like no punishment whatsoever.

8 - Kwame Brown: Accused of sexual assault after a playoff game. No charges brought due to a lack of evidence. The woman in question admitted to a consensual encounter, and then apparently it got less consensual. But that doesn't explain why she then hung around for hours afterwards.

9 - Kobe Bryant: Yeah, you know this story. Case dropped in criminal court, settlement reached in civil court.

10 - Jahidi White: Investigated for sexual assault. Details extremely absent. No charges. (Rumour has it that it involved a nude Oriental lady and a fat white chick. And lots of crying. Allegedly.)

11 - Julius Hodge: Accused of sexual assault on a Denver woman. The woman claimed that, after driving her back to her house after being at a club, Hodge forced her onto the bed and tried to rape her. No charges were brought due to lack of evidence. The woman was then jailed for violating her concurrent probation by being out that late.

12 - Michael Olowokandi: Sued for rape by a woman who claims that the encounter led to the less-than-immaculate conception. Can't seem to find out what became of this.

13 - Mo Peterson, Cliff Robinson, Juwan Howard again: All sued at some point for allegedly deliberating infecting someone with herpes. In Juwan's case, it happened twice. The suit against Robinson was for an enormous $20 million, and tests showed that he did (does?) indeed have it. (The herpes, not the $20 million.)

14 - Sam Cassell: Accused of rape way back in 1996. No charges brought.

15 - Elden Campbell: Sued for an apparent date rape, in which he allegedly drugged someone before raping them. I don't know what became of this, because it was back in 1997, and my only source of research is the internet. And the internet wasn't much back in 1997. But obviously not much came of it, or else we would have known about it. Date rape is a pretty bloody serious allegation, after all.

16 - Latrell Sprewell: Investigated for sexual assault after apparently choking a woman he was having consensual sex with on his boat. Don't know what became of this, which implies that it was probably nothing. (But he did later have the boat repossessed.)

17 - Donald Sterling: Admitted to paying a woman for sex for a numbers of years. The story offered up some awesome quotes.

18 - George Shinn: Accused of a kidnapping-for-sex charge, after allegedly luring a woman whom he knew was addicted to prescription drugs to his home, and shagging her. Admitted to having sex with her, but said it was consensual. No criminal charges were brought, and acquitted in civil court.

19 - Bobby Simmons: Arrested for misdemeanour fourth degree assault after allegedly fondling the breasts of a woman who got into his car in the early hours of the morning, and then punching her in the face. Charges not brought due to lack of evidence.

20 - Bernard Robinson Jr: Arrested and charged with assault and battery on a female student after touching her up in a stairwell. Sentenced to a year's probation which included such terms as a written letter of apology, never talking to the girl again, being fined $850, complete abstention from drugs and alcohol, and being forced to partcipiate in sex offender "screening" to see if he had serial sex offender tendencies. That must have been soul destroying.

21 - Justin Williams: Accused of rape. Later dropped. It never became official, but his lawyer alluded to the fact that he did nail the chick while on camera, which would have been rather conclusive in a court of law as to the level of consensual loving.

22 - Calvin Murphy: Former player and Rockets announcer accused of sexual abuse by 5 of his illegitimate children (he has 14 kids, 11 illegitimate). Jury acquitted him in less than two hours. But he lost his job and his reputation, so the damage was done.

23 - Eddie Johnson: "Fast" Eddie Johnson (not the other Eddie Johnson, the sixth man award winner, but the one who is a former Hawks player) was accused of sexual assault on an 8 year old girl. As far as I can tell, he is awaiting sentencing, but that may be wrong.

24 - Nick Anderson: Accused of rape. Held a press conference on the subject in which he cried a lot,



Add any of your own. (Not "add any of your own rape charges", but "add any of your own submissions for NBA players sex scandals that I may have missed.)

Where Are They Now? Part 24

Darrick Martin was waived by Toronto last month, and subsequently got a new gig with them as a "basketball development consultant". Whatever that is.

Torrell Martin is playing for Slask in Poland, a team that you've heard of by now if you've read all of these entries. Also playing for Slask are Five Trillion Deng Gai's, Dawan Robinson and The Ho-Man. Martin averages exactly 11 points and almost exactly 6 rebounds a game.

Jamal Mashburn, as well you know, is firmly done. He now works for ESPN, doing some studio work and articles and stuff. Basically he's got my job. Bastard.

Chester CHET! Mason is playing for Zlatorog Lasko in Slovenia, and if you hadn't heard of them before then you're a disgrace. Mason averages 9.7 points, 4.9 rebounds and 4.1 assists, with an efficiency rating of 11. I would give efficiency ratings for all players listed here, but I have windows that need looking out of.

Tony Massenburg stunned the world this October when he signed with the Washignton Wizards for training camp. You'd have thought that Massenburg had had the perfect retirement, since leaving the Spurs with a championship ring two seasons earlier. But, no, apparently Tony couldn't keep away. The Wizards didn't keep him, but Massenburg still carried on, signing in Puerto Rico for a team named Captains of Arecibo as a replacement for Marcus Fizer. Massenburg is no longer there, but that's not the point. The point is, why is Tony Massenburg still trying to get back into the NBA? Is he flat broke? Is he too proud to quit? Is he inspired by Kevin Willis? Is he trying to get single ownership of the "most teams played for" crown, a record he currently co-owns with Chucky Brown (12)? If it's the latter, then he may as well not bother, because Bobby Jones will own that record by this time next year. But still, good luck to him.

Bryant Matthews, a sex pest, is out of prison. He went to play for a team called "Ponce" in Puerto Rico, where he didn't make a field goal in two games. If you want to know why Bryant Matthews is a dirty sex pest worthy of bilious hate, here's a brief synopsis of the story: in a hotel in Australia, Matthews's friend was having sex with his girlfriend, when Matthews walked in, sat on the bed, and stuck his hand in her snatch. His defense was that he "thought it was cool with her". I have so many questions as to why he would think or do this. Nevertheless, it evidently wasn't 'cool' with her. She complained, Bryant got terminated from his contract, and eventually criminal charges led to a maximum 18 month jail term, where he served 9.

Loukas Mavrokefalidis is playing for Olympiakos in Greece, alongside everyone mentioned in the Aryvdas Macijauskas entry. Mavro averages an astonishing 3 points and 1.5 rebounds, ish.

Walter McCarty has retired and is an assistant coach for the University of Louisville.

Amal McCaskill-less was an All-Star in the CBA this year, before he left the Albany Patroons and signed in the powerhouse United Arab Emirates league, for a team called An Nasr. The teams in the UAE league are named Al Shabab, Al Wasl, An Nasr, Al Ahli, Sharjah, Al Wahda and Ash Shaab, all of which sound like believable NYC taxi drivers names. Except for Sharjah. That's a race horse.

The Real Jelani McCoy has been signed and waived a lot by Denver this year, but is now out of the NBA and back in the D-League playing for the L.A. D-Fenders. McCoy averages 11.2 points, 7.8 rebounds and 2.1 blocks per game for them, along with 69% shooting from the field and 51% shooting from the free throw line. No, those are not the wrong way around.

Chris McCray is playing for Oostende in Belgium, alongside the timelessly named Titus Ivory. McCray averages a rather ropey 7.2 points per game.

Finished!!!

The world's best NBA salary information website can once again consider itself to be the world's best NBA salary information website, for that is all now up to date. This is earth-shattering news to at least 1 other person. Perhaps.

(Sorry if that came across as a bit arrogant, by the way. I'm going for a new-wave, confident approach. All this pessimism and self-deprication leads to nothing but internal strife, I've found. So, yay, everything is superb! And that.)

(Also, if you see me end sentences in the phrase "and that", or add the word "like" for no reason, they're just Englishisms. Don't look for hidden meaning.)

In addition to this anticlimactic joy (oh wait, the pessimism has crept back in), I have also added another brilliant feature that no one will look at. The character issues page has existed for quite a long time, in various stages of disrepair. However, I have expanded upon it. Every player profile now has a "criminal issues" link on it (I couldn't think of a snappier way to phrase it), which provides a nice l'il pop up for you lazy people with that players criminal history (or lack thereof) on it.

This might not sound particularly interesting, but it has led to me creating a page for every single player in the website's database. All 958 of them. And for each page, I've done the necessary research. This is important, for it means that we now have nearly-up-to-date information on all of these players, including those that you have never heard of. And it has led to interesting finds. For example, you may not have previously known that Corie Blount was once arrested and had $19,435 of cash confisctaed from him on general principle. But by God, now that you do, you're going to tell all your friends. And previously, you harbored no ill will towards Bryant Matthews, until you realised that he was a dirty sexpest.

It's all truly interesting stuff. Hopefully.

This information brought to you by ShamSports.com, where the power of obsessive compulsive disorder is harnessed. Infrequently.