Debuting later - some stuff. Keep your eyes firmly peeled on the mid 90's menu to the left and mash refresh religiously - eventually you will be rewarded.
- Lukasz Obrzut was a very insignificant player in the D-League last year, averaging 3.1 ppg and 2.4 rpg over 38 games with both the Bakersfield Jam and the Fort Wayne Mad Ants. Before that, he spent four very insignificant years with Kentucky, never averaging more than 2.0 ppg and 1.8 rpg. Now, he's in Poland, averaging 5.2 points, 3.7 rebounds and 2.9 fouls per game for the powerhouse that is ISS Sportino Inowroclaw (and by "powerhouse", I mean "team in third last place"). How very insignificant.
- It was only a few short years ago that Michael Olowokandi was a starting centre in the Western Conference Finals. Things have changed wildly since then - the money dried up, as did the few skills, and a season of playing for the Celtics on the minimum salary (Kandi didn't need the money, and did it just to prove to himself that he could...apparently) was the last she wrote. Kandi is about to turn 34 with a lenghty history, and I assume him to be unofficially retired.
- In lieu of any Greg Ostertag news, here is a video of him losing at table tennis to a sharply dressed pre-teen.
- Andre Owens is with Red Star Belgrade (Crvena Zvezda), averaging 11.8 points, 3.3 rebounds and 2.8 assists a game in the Adriatic League, and 10.6/2.7/2.3 in the Eurocup. Owen was also recently the victim of an attack by a fan - or at least, a really bad attempt at one - and you can read about that here
- Olumide Oyedeji is in China, which is good news for us all. Playing for Shanxi Zhongyu, Oyedeji averages 20.4 points and a slightly staggering 19.4 rebounds per game. The assists, steals and blocks numbers aren't bad either; 2.8, 2.2, 1.6. Oyedeji has had 37 double doubles in his 39 games, and has not had less than 10 rebounds in any game; in the two games where he missed a double-double, his stat lines read:
That's prime Ben Wallace territory, that. They should have known that it was going to go well when Oyedeji put up 23 points, 24 rebounds and 9 assists on his debut. Do you love reading these numbers? Me too. They constantly s*** on all these "faceless player averages 7 points and 3 rebounds in some obscure European league" entries that I have to write. They pale in comparison to this. 19.4 rebounds a game! 7 offensive! Averaging 45 minutes a game! Good times. Very good times.
- Robert Pack hasn't been heard from since his entirely unexpected stint with the Toronto Raptors in 2005 preseason. That was three and a half years ago now. He is now a travel agent (true story), and was an assistant coach for the San Antonio Spurs's entry at the 2008 Rocky Mountain Revue.
- David Padgett went to training camp with the Miami Heat, signed a contract immediately after it (essentially this meant just signing for training camp really early), didn't make the team, and was waived. He has not signed elsewhere since, presumably living it up on his $35,000 guarantee.
- After Scott Padgett's NBA career ended abruptly after a trade to the Memphis Grizzlies and a subsequent waiving, he signed in Spain for about two weeks with CB Granada. This was back in April 2007. He has not been heard from since. He's not a missing person or dead or anything. I just can't find any news on him. He probably does real estate now, though. They all do.
- Milt Palacio is the starting point guard for Khimky in Russia, averaging 6.4 points, 2.2 rebounds and 2.0 assists in the Russian league, alongside 5.2 points, 1.7rebounds and 3.5 assists in the Eurocup. I watched Milton play the other day, and if any Jazz fans out there are wondering in Fellatio still hits the underside of the backboard with his layups.......yep! More good times.
- Adam Parada's last 5 basketball destinations are as follows - Mexico, Philippines, Sacramento Kings, Jordan, the ABA. One of those is not like the others. Parada currently finds himself in Japan, playing for the Mitsubishi Melco Dolphins. The Japanese league is not like the Chinese league, for not only are the team names intelligible, but there's also not nearly the wealth of fringe NBA talent in it. However, this doesn't mean that Adam Parada can't still be brilliant, and he doesn't let us down, delivering a scintilating 13.97 points and 7.8 rebounds a game.
- Finally, Jannero Pargo left the NBA for Dynamo Moscow to great fanfare, and then left Dynamo Moscow to slightly less fanfare after the team fell behind on their payments to him. (This hasn't stopped them from signing Brian Chase as a replacement, though.) Pargo since signed with Olympiakos, where his sole aim is to have a slightly more successful stint than Olympiakos's other former Hornet guard, Arvydas Macijauskas. Pargo has delivered on that (albeit only slightly), averaging 4.7 points and 2.7 assists in his three Euroleague games so far, after averaging rougly 13/4/5 for Dynamo.
In the unlikely event that you haven't seen Charles Barkley's golf swing before, here it is. (Warning: if you like golf, don't even bother getting yourself worked up about this. We know. He knows.)
That wasn't just a one off, either. He's going to do it again here too.
And this time he's going to do it really slowly.
And now Tiger Woods, who's pretty decent, is going to have a go.
Fuck it, let's all have a go. In our kitchens. With a bowling pin. And our socks pulled up. And our very giggly English girlfriends who think we're great. And who can't hold a camera straight.
I can sympathise. It's weird how the mind games get in the way of a relatively simple action. Ask one of the many suffers of dartitis: sometimes, you just can't complete your action. (Kind of like me with my amateurish tenpin bowling abilities. Nowhere in the Book Of Bowling Technique does it advocate falling over to the right after letting go of the ball, or the slightly autistic arm lock that I do before each bowl. And in no way do I try to work those things into my game. But by God, they're there. It's a stupid bloody game anyway.)
Still, it's weird that a man willing to gamble so much money on his golfing ability doesn't get this slightly detrimental hitch in his swing looked at professionally. It seems worth the expense to avoid otherwise heavy losses.
(Well, that's one conclusion at least. Another more cynical theory would be to say that Barkley, a showman, has somehow honed that sack of shite over the years, purely to entertain the masses. Doubtful, but possible.)
Here's someone who DOESN'T do it for show, though - Chuck Hayes. You'll all seen the clips of his free throw shooting struggles, and by God, you're going to see them again.
Just because we can.
I wanted to follow that up with a montage of weird, awkward, incorrect and mental-block free throw techniques from players around the globe. (And by "around the globe", I mean "in the NBA".) I want to show a clip of Desmond Mason's "Shitting Dog", a montage of Tyson Chandler's various attempts over the years to overcome his own personal battle again free throw autism, the vast gaping chasm of difference between Tim Duncan's current technique and what he used to do back when he didn't suck at it, the Olden Polynice Experience (where every free throw is shot in a different style to the one before it. At least, that's what he used to do as his career ground to a halt in the ABA), and Bo Outlaw's persistently perfect attempts to draw a lane violation on at least two members of each team.
But, sadly, the NBA is really anal about things like that being on Youtube. There are no such videos out there. And it's a damn shame. Since there's no "Amusing Free Throw Technique Channel" on NBA.com, why can't we be allowed to improvise? Why be so miserable about this? Moanarses.
In place of this, here's a video of Bo Outlaw having his photo taken with some girl during warm-ups. It's not what I wanted to bring you when I set about this post with such gusto, but it's better than nothing. Maybe. She enjoyed it, at least.
Greg Ostertag is still retired, and recently got spotted at a Kansas Jayhawks game. This isn't relevant to anything.
Bo Outlaw was waived by the Magic right at the start of the regular season, as a necessary concurrent part of the surprisingly successful Maurice Evans trade. (Maurice Evans! Starter on a playoff team! Glue guy! Good shooter! Who knew! Exclamation!). Since then, Bo has been hired to work in the Magic's community relations department, which is probably a precursor to a more official retirement.
Sticking with the theme of "Crappy Unskilled Magic Big Men", Olumide Oyedeji averaged 18.0 points and 15.2 rebounds for the Liaoning Panpan Hunters in China, the country's second best team. However, for the sake of reference, let it be known that Soumalia Samake averaged 18.2 and 15.2 rebounds. So the competition looks pretty bad.
Also, here's some bonus Olumide Oyedeji information - one of the obscure satellite TV channels over here is called "BEN". I think it is supposed to be a rip-off of the more famous "BET". Either way, all this channel seems to air is home video footage of black people arguing loudly while a TV blares in the background. (BEN seems like the kind of broadcasting ably suited for the role of "TV background noise", so maybe that's why.) At least once a month, they have a show called "Basketball", which does what it promises. A few years ago, this segment used to feature ABA games, which helped hone my knowledge of such basketball pioneers as Ace Custis, Willie (not Wilson) Chandler, and Darryl Dawkins's wardrobe. In recent times, though, they have taken to showing the same game over and over again - Nigeria versus Egypt, from 2004. This game is amusing to watch, which is probably why they air it so much. All of the action is brought to us from the same one camera angle, in a completely empty gym, filled with a strage haze. It's kind of like watching summer league. The Nigerians play the game like it's netball for the entire game, while the Egptians repeatedly use about 5 seconds of each shot clock before getting a brick in the air. The calibre of the basketball on offer is enough to make Hemingway weep. And in this game are Olumide Oyedeji, and Gabe Muoneke.
I know you're jealous.
Robert Pack's last professional basketball gig was for Zalgiris in Lithuania three years ago, when he was kicked off of the team for this punch.
Scott Padgett ended last season with Granada in Spain, but did not play this year. I don't know why.
Milt Fellatio Palacio has spent the season with Partizan Belgrade, where he just won the Euroleague MVP for March. If you can believe that. (Euroleague is the highest calibre of European play, for those unaware.)
Adam Parada is playing for Red Bull Barako in the Phillipines. This is him in action only two days ago. (Parada is number 55, in red. The big fella.) WARNING - Video contains excitable Phillipino girls screaming really loudly for no reason. ANOTHER WARNING - Parada doesn't really do anything in the video except sit down.
Marlon Parmer signed just today for Al Rayyan in Qatar. A few days ago, I spent the best part of an hour researching whether Marlon Parmer is left handed or right handed, in order to update his profile that no one will ever look at. I finally found the answer after finding a Youtube video of his first practice with the Estonian team that he played for last season. I can't believe how fucking long I wasted on that. But, for those interested, the answer is, he's left handed.
Ruben Patterson surprisingly did not get signed for the playoffs, and remains unemployed.
Andre Patterson also did not get signed for the playoffs, but that was less of a surprise. Patterson is a member of the Dakota Wizards of the D-League, where he totalled 12 points and 10 rebounds in 2 games.
Rickey Paulding is playing for Oldenburg in Germany, where he averages a team high 13.1 points per game.
In a seven day period in February 2006, first year GM Otis Smith made two trades. One saw the expiring contract of Kelvin Cato and a 2007 first rounder (later parlayed into Rodney Stuckey) dealt to Detroit for Darko Milicic and Carlos Arroyo, and one saw falling star Steve Francis dealt to New York - in a trade only Isiah Thomas could make - for Trevor Ariza and the huge expiring contract of Penny Hardaway.
Within a week, the floundering Magic had been re-invigorated. Since the McGrady/Hill era had failed several years prior, the John Weisbrod era had made the Magic's fortunes worsen further. Managing to do almost everything wrong, Weisbrod saw fit to end the McGrady in Orlando era by dealing him and Juwan Howard to Houston for Francis, Cato and Cuttino Mobley, a trade which vastly improved Houston but which didn't do much for Orlando. Daring and skilled enough to somehow make the situation worse, though, Weisbrod subsequently traded Mobley to Sacramento for Doug Christie, a man who played only 21 games with Orlando, scoring 119 points. And that's not to even mention the Varejao and Gooden for Battie deal with Cleveland that he also rustled up.
Weisbrod then resigned. Which seems fair.
Yet, with these two trades in early 2006, Otis Smith had managed to get some serious value for the two remaining pieces from the McGrady to Houston trade. Able to free himself of Francis's enormous contract and burdensome play (if ever there was such a thing as addition by subtraction, this was it), Smith was setting his team up for big cap space in the summer of '07 after Hill's contract also expired, while also picking up two decent youngsters in Milicic and Ariza. And he obtained all that for peripheral pieces that he didn't want or need.
The situation then got even better almost immediately after these deals. With a 19-34 record after losing on the night of the Francis deal, Orlando won only 1 of their next 7 games, before winning 16 of the following 20. The streak saw the Magic's younger players come into their own - Dwight Howard continued to be really good at stuff, and Jameer Nelson showed some terrific scoring efficiency. Darko Milicic's first halfway decent run of playing time in his NBA career gave him the opportunity to show off what skills he had, and he showed himself to be a gifted shotblocker and talented scorer, even if he couldn't rebound for shit. Carlos Arroyo's first half-season as a Magic player made him look like a useful piece for a young up-and-coming team to have, while Hedo Turkoglu and Tony Battie looked like being good veterans to have around for a more concerted playoff push in 2007. Were it not for a similarly strong finish by the Chicago Bulls, the Magic's terrific end of season run would have gotten them to the playoffs (maybe), quite a turnaround from a team that was as many as 20 games under .500. In 2007, Grant Hill was set to return, and Magic fans were happy.
It should have been so great. It wasn't.
The 2006/07 began brightly enough, with Orlando pushing out to a 13-4 lead. But the injury bug soon bit, as it so often does to the Magic. Battie, Hill, Ariza and Keyon Dooling all got injured, and the Magic were left thin. Carlos Arroyo's brief 2006 flirtation with decency ended quickly, as he regressed back to his ineffectual, what-the-hell-is-a-playbook-and-where-did-I-put-my-jumpshot self. Nelson and Milicic also regressed: Nelson chucked with considerably less efficiency than the previous season, and made no strides with his sub-par running of the offense, and Milicic scuttled about everywhere with a certain air of despondence. Grant Hill got injured, which you'd expect, and his namesake and sister - head coach Brian Hill - proved to be absolutely awful.
The Magic did make the playoffs, doing so with a sub .500 record, but it wasn't worth much - they were quickly swept by the Detroit Pistons.
Still, all was not lost. The Magic still had some young pieces that were still waiting to leave the nest, along with one of the best young superstars in the game in Howard. And with Grant Hill's contract finally expiring, the Magic also had near-max cap room if they chose to use it.
They did. Jesus, did they ever.
It would be very difficult if not impossible to provide a commentary on the Rashard Lewis sign-and-trade while also managing to take an interesting or unique viewpoint, or to say anything that hasn't already been said. So I won't. But I will recommend that you look at the figure that he signed for (listed above), and think long and hard about whether he is worth it. And if you come up with any answer other than "no", keep looking at it until you do. In 2013, a 33 year old Rashard Lewis is going to be being paid nearly $22.7 million. It's freakin' bizarre. Or freakin' stupid, pick your own adjective. Both work.
The move was made just that much more baffling when looked at in addition to quotes by Otis Smith before the start of the summer, on how he intended to obtain a much needed scorer for the Magic while also having the resources and cap management to be able to keep the younger talent (namely, Darko Milicic). Smith's response was that it would involve some "creative financing". And in a sense, he was true to his word - Roget's thesaurus shows that "creative" has a synonym of "original". And the Rashard Lewis deal was most certainly original, if nothing else.
In obtaining Lewis, the Magic have wildly overpaid, but also lost some talent. Restricted free agents Darko Milicic and Travis Diener were renounced in order to bring in Lewis, and despite the apparent efforts of Smith, Seattle could not be persuaded to take back any salary from Orlando, meaning that all their cap space went on one player.
So now, ask yourselves whether the trio of Hill, Milicic and Diener (who should, without a doubt, have played over Carlos Arroyo all of last season, and who is now nicely lined up for a breakout season) is going to help any more than Rashard Lewis on his own. It's a tough answer, but either way, the Magic's player personel did not improve much. If at all.
It was a situation that could well have been avoided had Tony Battie not been given an extremely presumptuous extension back in March 2006, and had the unnecessary signing of Keith Bogans not taken place. Those two players combined for a $7.64 million cap hit this summer, whereas Milicic and Diener signed for a combined $8 million. Which duo would you rather have?
(Oh, and there was also the Billy Donovan fiasco, but we'll say no more about that. Embarassing, but not debilitating.)
In the interests of fairness, I should mention the acquisitions of Adonal Foyle and Marcin Gortat.
There, I've mentioned them.
Next season:
Given that things didn't exactly pan out ideally in the free agent market, and without any players from the draft to speak of, a large part of the Magic's future success rests on the shoulders of new head coach, Stan Van Gundy. And I promise you that this next stanza will include no references to Ron Jeremy.
By not being Brian Hill, Van Gundy has already improved the Magic's coaching situation. But if he can find a way to improve on Hill's rotations (and it shouldn't be that hard. Here's a starting point - play Redick. He has his flaws, but he's not Keith Bogans. That's a big plus), and offensive sets (don't just force feed Dwight Howard. Get him touches, but don't go to him every time down. Mix up your plays, and let things flow somewhat. Especially when Jameer Nelson is your point guard), then things will be looking up. It would also be a big help if Van Gundy is somehow able to not completely alienate himself from the players and to preside over something other than an irrepairably sour locker room, things that Brian Hill reportedly could not achieve.
Additionally, a lot depends on the play of Jameer Nelson. After a down year last season, tragedy struck this offseason when his father died in an accidental drowning incident. How this affects Nelson remains to be seen, but will soon be known. There are traditionally two ways to go here: one would be to become demotivated, á lá Michael Sweetney. The other way to be to take that adversity and build upon it to make himself a better player.
The Magic need the second one.
Last season's mediocre performance suggests that the good run to end the 2005/06 season was nothing more than an aberration. With better coaching and better performance this season, the Magic have the opportunity to show that it was last season that was the anomaly instead. If Orlando gets breakout performances from one or perhaps a couple of young players (specifically looking in the directions of Jameer Nelson and J.J. Redick), they could contend for the open Southeast Division title.
Perhaps a more realistic expectation, though, would be for a low playoff seed once again. The Magic's talent level is not yet comparable to that of the East's elite teams. Peripheral players Arroyo, Dooling and Garrity combine for roughly $11.4 million of expiring contracts this offseason. The Magic would do well to capitalise on that. For they could use a further big infusion of quality. They didn't get one this season, yet so badly need one to rejoin the top of the East.
Sham is a miserable and self-effacing little bastard, whose basketball opinions are often riddled with bias, insecurity, and rank immaturity. He has also never played the sport, and the only game he has ever been to see was a Ware Rebels game back in 2001. The night bus didn't show up and he had to walk the 9 miles home. It was after this that his passion for basketball really took off.
He considers himself to be Britain's foremost NBA expert, an arbitrary title that carries with it no basis in fact, or any worldly significance. He also wrote this section of the website in third person narrative, purely for reasons of arrogance.
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is copyrighted to the website's owner, including (but not limited to)
the really stupid ones that I wish I'd never written.
