Some potentially insightful and vaguely articulate basketball commentary will be coming your way shortly. But first, here's something far more important: the Chicago Bulls players singing.
God invented the internet so that we could feel more closely acquainted to professional athletes. It's the reason they have online chats, it's the reason they have their own websites, it's the reason we try and become their Facebook friends, and it's the reason that their team contractually obligates them to humiliate themselves for the sake of a few Youtube videos. For this, we must give our eternal thanks, because God never fails to satisfy us. And nor does Joakim Noah.
During a Bulls game last week, a halftime segment aired that showed Noah, Derrick Rose, Tyrus Thomas and Luol Deng participating in a 'Name That Tune' style challenge. The four players paired up, and one player had to sing whatever tune was playing in his headphones, with the other player charged with guessing which song it was that they were butchering. The hot blonde's job was to guess which team won.
The whole debacle was caught on camera.
A closer inspection reveals that this isn't the first Bulls players karaoke segment of the season. Three other officially licensed videos exist, showing the same players (as well as Kirk Hinrich, Aaron Gray, and the now-departed Drew Gooden and Thabo Sefolosha) taking part in a singalong to various TV theme tunes. The tunes range from seminal to forgettable, yet they are, to a man, bludgeoned.
If anyone emerges from this with any pride, it might be Drew Gooden. Gooden - whom we already know to be always up for a tinkle - demonstrates, if nothing else, a semblance of a sense of rhythm, humility and personality, although he does appear to struggle with the difference between a saxophone and a piccolo. Hinrich continues his galvanising makeover from the shy and retiring elfin-like creature of his rookie year to the matured and forthcoming comedy god that he is today. Tyrus Thomas sings like he plays (with plenty of effort yet little to show for it), as does Luol Deng (who is bloody awful). Most worryingly of all, Derrick Rose seems to sing in the same way that he talks - in a monotoned unrelenting B flat that never shows any signs of breaking out into a fit of inflection or interest. Give me another half hour of Gooden, instead. Thanks.
However, if you thought that other Bulls starlet Ben Gordon had gotten lucky and avoided it all, then despair not. Despite the fact that those videos were probably made during Gordon's entirely awkward contract negotiations, Ben has been seen to have brought the noise before. In this first video, Ben is caught chiming in with a vital contribution to the seminal Chicago Bears theme song, "Bear Down Chicago Bears". (Note: a version with Hinrich in it is out there somewhere, but apparently I've lost it.)
And in this second video, Ben does what 85% of ballers feel obligated to do eventually; he stars in a rap video.
(Note: That last video appears to have been an advert for a product called Mioplex. A quick Google search reveals that Mioplex is a "male orgasm intensifier." This would explain why he felt fifty feet tall. My work here is done.)
The Bulls are, quite possibly, the hardest team in the league to gauge right now. Every one of their significant players is a massive question mark. Other than predicting Larry Hughes will shoot a pull-up 18 footer on 85% of the fast breaks that he's involved in, there's nothing that you can say with any conviction about this current Bulls roster. It's a poser.
Theoretically, they could be great. This is still, essentially, the same 49 win second round team of the 2006/07 season, with only a few changes. The corpse of P.J. Brown has been replaced by Joakim Noah. The corpse of Ben Wallace has been replaced by Drew Gooden. And Chris Duhon has been replaced by Derrick Rose, which may or may not be an upgrade. (Sarcasm!) So, with those three upgrades, plus the return of Ben Gordon, Luol Deng, Andres Nocioni and Kirk Hinrich, plus the overdue-but-genuinely-forthcoming breakout of Tyrus Thomas, the Bulls should easily be able to usurp that 2007 team. Shouldn't they?
Well, no. The other change between then and now is the entire coaching staff. As outlined in the Milwaukee Bucks preview, Scott Skiles's coaching jobs have a shelf-life, but until it goes horribly wrong, he can make teams overachieve. The Bulls achieved what they did in 2007 despite having only the NBA's 20 best offense, purely because they had the best defense in the league. Skiles was directly responsible for that. However, after he lost the team last year - and after his replacement Jim Boylan proved to be about as much use as a surfboard with handlebars - the Bulls defense regressed to being middle of the road, and the offense was no better.
It's not known what Del Negro will try to do, and it's futile to guess. But it's a safe assumption to say that he won't bring the level of defense that Scott Skiles did, because almost no one does. The hiring of Vinny The Black, and the new assistant coach lineup of Bernie Bickerstaff, Bob Ociepka and Del Harris, shows a clear intent to focus on the long term, and to concentrate on player development, something badly mismanaged during the Skiles era. It's the right approach, and winning the lottery gives General Manager John Paxson a second chance to clear up the collateral from the Ben Wallace disaster. Yet, for all horny long term projections, the Bulls are currently awash in highly paid underachievers.
Additionally, those players have regressed. Players were paid in accordance of what they were expected to go on and achieve, but after last year's diarrhoea of a season, no one did what they were supposed to. Nocioni used to play with a clean form of aggression, one where willpower and effort overcame his inability to dribble and penchant for leaving jumpshooters often. But these days, he chucks, and he pouts. Ben Gordon briefly became a near-All Star 20 ppg scorer, with good scoring efficiency, and an improved ability to dribble without falling over. But this desire to fit in with the offense seems to have left him. Luol Deng's jumpshot was infallible, but only for one year. And Kirk Hinrich has managed to get worse at every single facet of the game. This isn't the team it once was, despite it still being the same core.
The talent is still there. The Bulls still have a 20 point scorer at shooting guard, a potential 21/8 small forward with fine defense, and a combo guard with elite defense and a good jumpshot. Added to that, they now have a young Stephon Marbury at point guard, plus whatever you think of Tyrus Thomas and Joakim Noah. Furthermore, only one of those players is over 25. As young cores go, this one is still good.
As of right now, though, the roster is a clusterfuck. All the pieces that used to fit seamlessly, no longer do. And they're not as cheap as they used to be, either.
It's turnaroundable, if that's a word. The players that broke themselves can mend themselves. But it will take dramatic improvement from a unit that spent all of last year going backwards. Hinrich needs to find his footspeed again. Gordon needs to develop some humility. Deng needs to get his jumpshot back, and add four feet of range to it. Nocioni needs to pretend he's playing for Argentina every night. Thomas needs to learn how to make layups. Noah needs to learn how to make layups. Thabo Sefolosha needs to learn how to shoot. Hughes needs to learn how to play. And Drew Gooden needs to stop pratting about with his facial hair. (This won't help his performance any. It's just a general point.)
If this was another team, we'd probably be watching them intently, fawning openly, dicks in hand, doused in our own pre-ejaculate at the exciting and potential-laden duo of Rose and Thomas, despite them sounding more like the compelling protagonists in a Baroque-era love story. But that's not going to happen here. This is the Bulls. It's been nothing but false dawns for ten years. No one's leading them anything. This time, they're going to have to win our trust, by winning something.
All those who read my diary type thingy from last year's preseason game in London will notice how I have a little bit of problem with Five's marketing policy of the sport, which seems to want to solely appeal to the "hip hop" (which you can probably go ahead and change to "young black") market. Of the ten courtside interviews conducted that day (Brian Scalabrine excluded), all ten were of black celebrities, this coming immediately after an advertising campaign exclusively focused on the street demographic. (If that last sentence wasn't enough of a clue, I'm white. Bravo, top hole, jolly good chap, rather bracing, tea and scones, "I say Biggles, how awfully uncouth", et cetera. Basically I'm from a Battle Of Britain war film.)
Apparently my opinion fell on deaf ears, though. This may have been my faultWhy Five Suck for never actually voicing it to anyone other than your powerless selves, but still. I was right, and changes needed to be made.
They weren't.
Right now, our national team is making the headlines, and actually becoming significant on the world stage. With Luol Deng, Pops Mensah-Bonsu, Joel Freeland, Dan Clark, Nate Reinking and (hopefully) Ben Gordon in our team now, amongst others, we finally have a side worth knowing about in Europe, and we've recently qualified for the European Championships, after only recently being so bad of a basketball nation that we were ranked behind Chinese Taipei in the world rankings. In addition to this, the NBA apparently loves us and our swanky new arena, resulting in the rare but special sight of an annual proper NBA game played in this country. (Note to other countries out there: if you build a spectacularly pointless dome shaped building to "celebrate" the new Millennium, then after you flush millions of pounds down the shitter as it struggles to be financially viable for the one year of its existence, it eventually becomes worthwhile when you completely rebuild and re-design it into something entirely different to what it was before! FISCAL FINANCIAL PLANNING FTW!). For the first time since I've been alive, and for the first time perhaps ever, basketball has a modiocum of significance in this country.
And who do we get to bring the sport to the general public? Why, it's only the blackest fifty one year old white man in rural Lowestoft, Tim bloody Westwood.
Just not good enough, is it?.
Try a bit harder next time. Find someone who knows something about the game, rather than vapid "celebrity" interviews of people who pretend to love the game but only when doing so gets them free airtime. Try and blag some interviews with the NBA people on show, or even with some of the American press sent to cover the game. Fuck it, interview me. I scrub up all right in a tie, and I actually know proper English words and stuff about basketball and stuff. I also don't gesticulate with my hands like a crack addled twat, and pensioners love me. I look perhaps a bit too much like Andrew Bogut to be good TV material, but......Tim Westwood? Are you kidding me?
Can you see why we might not have the biggest fan base for the sport in this country?
I don't care what colour they are, but let's try and get some people who know of the sport that they supposedly "love". Maybe the broadcast could then be used to relay some interesting facts, snippets or insights into the game. And then maybe it could be used to inform and entertain the public. You know, like they did back in the olden days.
The first in a new series of posts detailing teams financial outlooks for the upcoming free agency period, what cap room they have, what exceptions, what draft slots, etc. Should be fascinatingly fascinating, if you're easily pleased.
No information is 100% guaranteed accurate, but unless you're privy to hitherto unknown information, or just better at this than I am (highly possible), then it's probably more accurate than you.
To be completed in an order best described as "Random".
(* = has incentives. Hughes's salary listed WITHOUT incentives, that are dependent on win totals, and thus won't be considered likely. Hinrich's salary listed WITH incentives, which probably won't be considered likely either.)
Ben Gordon (qualifying offer - $6,404,749, cap hold - $14,645,007) Luol Deng (qualifying offer - $4,452,574, cap hold - $9,961,017) Demtris Nichols (qualifying offer - $886,517, cap hold - $512,596)
Draft picks:
First round: 9th pick, subject to lottery results. (Cap hold - $1,840,800) Second round: 39th pick (no cap hold)
Cap room/exceptions:
Nada room, MLE, BAE, and a $5,205,000 trade exception.
Let Chris Duhon go. Gas Larry Hughes. Don't lose Gordon and Deng for nothing - either re-sign them, or get value in a sign and trade. Try and wriggle out from under Simmons's final guaranteed year. Add a veteran centre and a veteran point guard. DON'T BLOCK THE YOUNGSTERS. Get a coach that's better than the cataclismically bad Jim Boylan. Learn how to spell cataclysmically. Explore the possibility of debilitating widespread roster overhaul, but don't for the love of God make a losing trade involving a young player whose value is way below its best. Not again.
If your team didn't agree to an extension with its starlet young player this past offseason - such as is the case with the Atlanta duo of Josh Childress and Josh Smith, the Chicago duo of Luol Deng and Ben Gordon, amongst others - then you've probably experienced a modicum of conversation as to whether that player will take the one year qualifying offer this offseason rather than the security of a long term deal, leaving the distinct possibility that your team will lose a key player and important asset, for jack shit in return. Talk of this possiblity happening is particularly widespread in the case of Gordon, who hasn't done much to deny it.
Let me half-arsedly set your mind at rest - it's really not that likely.
Or rather, it should be really unlikely. It might happen, but history suggests that it shouldn't. This is a list of all the rookie scale players to have accepted the fifth year qualifying offer in recent times, accompanied by a headshot for no reason other than cosmetics.
Season before free agency: 9.8 points, 4.9 rebounds, 51% shooting Season spent on Qualifying Offer: 3.0 points, 1.8 rebounds, 36% shooting Season after that: 3.9 points, 2.8 rebounds, 47% shooting
Melvin Ely is crap. He has had one year of non-crapness in 7 attempts. That one season was, conveniently, the final one of his rookie contract. Never justifying his draft position, this one year gave Ely the chance to make a bit of money, especially given that this was probably his only other chance at a multi-year contract. (Ely was 28 at the time, after joining the league at age 24. No one seems to remember this.) Ely took Charlotte's one year QO of $3,308,615 (which may or may not have been the only contract that they offered) in preference to taking Phoenix's multi year offer, or one from the Warriors.
Ely then played like his usual wank, and is now on a minimum salary contract with the Hornets.
Season before free agency: 11.8 points, 4.6 rebounds, 41% shooting Season spent on Qualifying Offer: 9.8 points, 4.6 rebounds, 41% shooting Season after that: 6.6 points, 3.3 rebounds, 42% shooting
Seattle dodged one hell of a bullet here, when Radmanovic turned down their exceedingly generous offer of a 6 year, $42 million. Why he did this, I don't know. Maybe he thought he was worth more. Or maybe he just hated Seattle. Either way, Seattle reacted, dealing him to the L.A. Clippers for Chris Wilcox, a far better player whom they managed to re-sign for half of what Radmanovic turned down.
Radmanovic did manage to somehow coerce a full MLE contract from the L.A. Lakers, a contract which totalled 5 years and $30.427 million. But, when combined with his qualifying offer of roughly $3.1 millionish, Radmanovic managed to lose almost $10 million on the deal, as well as save Rick Sund from himself.
Season before free agency: 11.1 points, 4.5 rebounds, 49% shooting Season spent on Qualifying Offer: 7.1 points, 3.7 rebounds, 44% shooting Season after that: N/A
Pietrus has always been a very flawed player, but with the onset of the new Warriors system under Don Nelson, many of these were able to be reasonably well covered up. In the fourth season of his rookie deal, Pietrus turned in comfortably the best season of his four year career, and was courted heavily by Miami. His agent claims to have had four teams offer their full MLE to Pietrus, which makes it odd that he didn't take any of them.
In the end, Pietrus was stuck with the one year, $3,470,771 qualifying offer from Golden State. From there, the inevitable has happened - he has regressed. His stats are backwards, his weaknesses are no better than they were, and his team just missed the playoffs. Suddenly, Pietrus's package seems less attractive. (Giggidy.)
Season before free agency: 9.4 points, 4.9 rebounds, 47% shooting, 1.5 blocks Season spent on Qualifying Offer: 10.1 points, 4.6 rebounds, 45% shooting, 1.5 blocks Season after that: 8.9 points, 4.4 rebounds, 49% shooting, 0.8 blocks
Two key things to remember with Stromile's choice to sign the QO:
1) It was for $6.2 million, more than he would have gotten on the open market for the first season of any contract. 2) Memphis made it clear that they would match anything, and wouldn't entertain many sign and trade offers. 3) He really, really didn't want to be there.
(That's three things, but you get the idea.)
Financially, Stromile either breaks about even by turning down the QO and signing a four year MLE deal (which was the deal he signed with Houston after the QO year expired), or he's maybe even slightly ahead on the deal. Unlike most players, his play didn't decline under the QO, and while his numbers have suffered slightly in the last three years, his play remains pretty good.
He did not get his wish for getting out of Memphis, though, as he was traded back there after only one season in Houston. Tough break.
Aaaaaand........that's everyone this decade. I would go back further and include players such as Michael Olowokandi (a pretty resounding example of why not to turn down extensions), but it becomes too difficult to find the right numbers, so I won't. Those 4 are the only rookie scale players to have taken the qualifying offer since the year 2000.
They're 1-4, with only Swift making the right move. (This is unless Pietrus is ridiculously, insanely fortunate.)
First off, it's pretty obvious that 4 people in 4 drafts is not a huge amount of people to accept the qualifying offer. That goes without saying, given that 124 people were drafted in the first round of those 4 drafts. But I said it anyway.
Secondly, note that the one to have made a decent decision to take the qualifying offer was a second overall pick, which had a huge impact on the size of the offer in question. For reference's sake, here is a list of all the qualifying offers for those fourth year rookie scale players from the 2004 draft who did not get extensions:
(Everyone else either got an extension, or have already been waived.)
Not all of these players will get a qualifying offer, because the team does not want them for that price, or indeed any price. In two cases (Swift and Livingston), the qualifying offer might actually be an advisable route, given the serious injuries from which both are struggling to recover. But only in a few cases is the qualifying offer of a significant threat to be a viable option: Emeka Okafor (who turned down a 5 year, $60 million eztension), Ben Gordon (who turned down a 5 year, $50 million extension), and maybe some of the lower players (Allen, Telfair).
Bizarrely, Okafor and Gordon have both had worse years since turning those extensions, which could mean anything. It could make them more likely to take the security while they can still get it, or it could make them more liable to have a third attempt at a successful contract year push.
The other factor here is the deep free agent class, that affects everybody in this list. Pessimists theorise that this may mean more players take the one year QO and make themselves available for the 2009 free agent market instead. Optimists might say that instead, because of the lack of money out there, those offers from their current teams suddenly look alot more lucrative and sensible. You can probably guess which of those two schools of thought I subscribe to.
Either way, it's extremely difficult to imagine those two (plus others, such as Deng and Iguodala) turning down $50+ million, twice. Especially since they haven't done anything to justify turning it down once.
HALF BAKED CONCLUSION FROM HALF-ARSED ANALYSIS:
There is not a lot of recent history on which to deduce whether taking the qualifying offer is a wise/probable decision or not. This, in itself, is indicative of the fact that it's a highly unlikely scenario. And when what little precedent there is shows the move to be a generally unwise one, that only reaffirms the idea that the likelhood of a player choosing to accept the qualifying really is nothing to fear.
Eight weeks have passed since the last game-of-the-week which makes the title of the series something of an outright lie. Yeah. Sorry about that. I was busy and ill and stuff.
Still, to get us back into the series, I'm choosing to depict a game featuring the greatest basketball team in the world (as long as you don't include wins and losses in your criteria for what makes a team good), the insatiable Chicago Bulls, as they take on the Orlando Magic.
For those who haven't been following at home, the Chicago Bulls are less than mediocre this year. And for those of us who support them, it's a rather painful kick in the arse to witness. This team last year won 49 games and made the second round of the playoffs. They weren't half bed. They improved upon this on paper as they upgraded their personel, kept together their core, and assumed incremental improvement from all the young holders. Things were supposed to be beautiful.
They aren't.
For whatever reason, the Bulls suck. A premier defensive unit with mediocre but sufficient offense has suddenly turned into a mediocre defensive unit with the worst offense in the NBA. The "slow start" excuse played for a while, as the Bulls do have a recent history of slow starts. But for whatever reason, this season, they're still bad at the near half way point of the season.
The Magic, meanwhile, tore out to an epic start, and have now levelled off a bit. Just like last year. Except hopefully for them, unlike last year, they won't be distinctly middle of the road come the end of the season. But with future MVP Dwight Howard around, it seems unlikely.
After spending roughly an hour finding a way to watch the game online (obviously via totally legal methods), I gave up, and listened to the audio feed instead. I lay in bed to do this, because I'm lazy like that. It was there that I discovered that the game was being broadcast on a tape delay via English TV channel Five, whose NBA coverage has been nitpicked to death by me in the past (namely, here. So we'll see how they handle this.
- If you didn't know this already, Luol Deng has an English passport. Ben Gordon also will do in the foreseeable future. This makes Five rather intrested in the Bulls progress, and broadcast all Bulls games with simmering dollops of bias. And that's to be commended. Tonight, however, they've gone one step further, and added an in-studio guest - Luol Deng's brother Ajou Deng. Ajou Deng is 29, taller, considerably inferior, with exactly the same voice as Luol. He also looks sorta the same, except with the eyes of poker player Phil Ivey, and with a gap tooth that would have been considered sexy several centuries ago. Ajou speaks slowly, deeply and consistently, with no hint of punctuation or syllable inflection, and with absolutely nothing to say except to respond to the inane questions fired by the in-studio pairing of Mark Webster (not the world darts champion) and Andre Alleyne about how brilliant Luol is. This is going to work perfectly, I can see it.
- Ajou regales us with a story about how he won an MVP trophy during a basketball tournament he played in, the prize for which was a 27 inch television, which he then had to take home on the bus that he arrived on. Welcome to the world of British basketball. Additionally, Britain's first ever entry to the ULEB Cup (the second tier European club competition), the Guildford Heat, are 0-9 in the competition so far, with numerous enormous losses, including a recent 40 point loss to Joventut. Ajou Deng plays for the Heat. So you can see where this is going.
- None of the three studio presenters can tie a tie. Alleyne hasn't bothered, Deng shouldn't have done, and Webster offers up a remarkable ensemble for the evening. Unshaven, somewhat gaunt looking, with an abortive attempt on his very stripey tie and a seriously ill-fitting V-neck sweater, Webster looks as though he has just been pulled out of a crackhouse and thrust into whatever clothes they could find only minutes before the show began. Strangely, though, he's also wearing a purple wristband. Answers on a postcard.
- In back to back sentences, Webster describes the Bulls season so far as "patchy", and then says "let's hope that [another good run to close out the season] happens again!". Like I said, it's all swarmed in bias. And I'm totally cool with that.
- In pre-game build up, Alleyne mentions how Ben Wallace has "picked himself up", in reference to his recent play. Then a graphic shows up showing how the Bulls are the sixth highest scoring team in the NBA this season at 103 points per game, which Alleyne elaborates upon weirdly. Alleyne then closes his stanza with the immortal sentence "Chris Duhon will start in the, um, erm, excuse me, point guard spot vacated by Kendrick Hinrich." So not only are we biased as all hell, but we can't analyse for shit. Fantastic.
- Mark Webster then calls Joakim Noah "Wakeem", and suddenly I feel vindicated about being unable to kick the habit myself. Then again, as we discussed earlier, Webster is a crack addict, so......
(Legal disclaimer - Mark Webster is not a crack addict. Neither of the famous Mark Webster's are.)
The team then proceed to have a conversation about Wakeem, his skills, value to the team, and about his recent suspension for backchat. It's actually an intelligent discussion full of accurate observations, perspective and common sense. While it was taking place, the cameraman went for a wander, and panned to two Luol Deng jerseys sitting on a desk somewhere. Don't know why this happened.
- Finally, before the tip-off, Alleyne and Ajou agree that the Bulls are going to need a big defensive game from Ben Wallace. For those who haven't noticed, here is Ben Wallace's defensive PER this season. Feisty.
- Kendrick Hinrich is sitting out tonight due to a combination of back spasms and epic shitness, so Thabo "The Show" Sefolosha starts in his place. This means that the Bulls have now replaced the third worst jumpshooting guard in basketball (Hinrich) with the worst (Thabo), both of whom are starting alongside the second worst (Duhon). This on a team that also starts the 33% shooting centre Ben Wallace. This is really going to space the floor, I reckon.
- After Ben Wallace wins the opening tip, which he seems to do every night as fatigue ha snot yet set in, Jumpin' Joe Smith attempts the Bulls first 3 shots, and misses them. And you said we didn't have a post scorer!
- Ben Wallace exhibits Shaq-like pick and roll defense early, successfully managing to guard neither Orlando player. But in his defense, if you think paying Ben Wallace $15 million a year for only one dimesion (and you're wrong, for it's actually zero dimensions), then give Rashard Lewis three years and you'll have a black Pat Garrity for $20 million a year. Yes, I'm still harping on about this.
- Chris Duhon misses a wide open three point shot, and Thabo Sefolosha turns down an open 21 footer in favour of dribbling into screeners for 5 seconds. Still, only four minutes until Gordon comes in.
- After Ben Wallace picks up his second foul, Aaron Gray comes in for him. Colour commentator Matt Guokas mentions how this makes Dwight Howard's eyes "light up". Yeah, well, wait until Dwight sees what a powerhouse he has to defend. Aaron Gray is the shit.
- Sefolosha hits a jumper. Wow. Matt Guokas mentions about how that type of player - the thought of as insignificant type - are the type of player that typically burns the Magic. Well, we'll see about that.
- I feel I should mention at this moment that I'm rasping for a piss, and yet the show has had no advert breaks yet. Things are starting to get uncomfortable.
- Coming back from a timeout, the game feed cuts back in with the camera focused on Wakeem Noah on the bench. This causes Webster to lose his professionalism, as the soundman hangs him out to dry by leaving hsi microphone on for five seconds longer than Webster thought he had. After handing back to the American audio feed, Webster then booed Noah loudly, thinking that he was off air. That was fun.
- Joe Smith opens the game 1 for 5 from the free throw line, which is extremely unlike him. He scowls angrily at the basket after all the misses, which is extremely unusual for Smith. This Bulls team is personified by awful body language, and only the constant chirpiness offered by Aaron Gray, Smith and Noah shows any kind of interest in the players being there. And if we lose Joe to a bad temper, then the franchise has real problems.
- Ajou Deng's awkwardness to the camera is topped only by Luol's. If you've ever seen Luol Deng talk toa camera, you'll notice that he slows up his speech for some reason. And quite frankly, it makes him sound like a spanner. I thought I'd mention this.
- The first quarter ends at 27-24 to Orlando. The TV show is now 50 minutes in, and not even the end of the quarter brings me the relief of an advert break. I'm really scratching for a slash here, but I can't seem to stop watching, in case I miss something I can roll my eyes about. Right on cue, Alleyne calls Thabo by the unusual name of "Seffer-LAR-shar". Obviously I can;t miss things like this.
- During the first quarter break, we are treated to a montage of every shot Luol Deng took and/or made. This could get tiresome, even for those of us out there who love Luol Deng dearly and would even be willing to overlook it if he bricked our parents to death. Meanwhile, Ajou Deng's head slowly disappears into his shoulders.
- Alleyne again references the stat they invented which claims that the Bulls are 6th in the NBA in points per game. So the analyst can't analyse, the in-studio guest can't entertain, and Mark Webster is high as a kite (allegedly). Brilliant.
(But, you know? It's still very entertaining for some reason. At least they're enthused. And that counts for a lot. Well, OK, Ajou Deng isn't enthused.)
- For three straight possessions to open the second quarter, Orlando takes and makes straight away 28 footers. Chicago responds by bringing the ball up unneessarily slowly, taking 10 seconds to even get to the play calling stage. The Bulls offense survived all its pitfalls last year by pushing the ball enough to be the 6th fastest offense in the entire NBA, which in a league featuring teams such as Phoenix and Golden State is no mean feat. Yet this year, aided by the slowness of Duhon and Hinrich, they've decided not to bother with that, unless their idea of pushing the ball involves in-rhythm 20 footers with no one in rebounding position. That, they do plenty of.
- Still no ad break. I can feel my bladder rupture.
- After Ben Wallace does his customary 10 dollar move with a 10 cent finish in the low post, Matt Guokas claims that "you might normally go three or four games without seeing Ben Wallace attempt a post move". Oh God, how I wish that was the case.
- As Joe Smith shoots a free throw, a girl with a mop runs behind the rebounders to back underneath the basket Joe is shooting at. Any closer, and she would have run down the paint itself. Strange times. Joe makes it anyway but still doesn't look happy.
- Ben Gordon is in at the point guard spot for Chicago. Fantastic! That'll facilitate the ball movement and stop the turnovers.
- After the outside shooting barrage, Chicago is now down 14. They look deflated already, although I'm not sure they ever looked inflated. They also strangely can't seem to rebound with Ben Wallace in the game. Surely not? It's not like Ben's man routinely goes off for big rebounding nights or anything. An Orlando timeout comes, but no advert break comes with it. Webster says "Wakeem" again.
- Thabo Sefolosha is given a whole calendar week to shoot a three point shot from the wing. He obliges, and makes it. He has now hit three jumpers in one game. One of them nearly hit a flying pig.
- If you are wondering at home, why do the Bulls continue to play Wallace when he is substandard at every facet of the game, and players such as Noah and Tyrus Thomas aren't getting nearly enough playing time, then look no further. They know of the illogical nature of what they are doing, and yet they deliberately do it. The reasoning is thus: if they flog this dead horse enough so that they can get his rebounding average above or near 10 a game, along with his 2 assists, steals and blocks a game, then someone might - just might - trade for the bastard if the Bulls set the bar low enough. And if you think that's silly, then bear in mind that John Paxson's record when it comes to trading players when their value is at their lowest ebb is rather unspectacular.
- Luol Deng shoots a technical foul shot, which must be a first. Meet the Chicago Bulls guards, everybody. For a "jumpshooting team", we sure as shit can't shoot. Deng misses it.
- Thabo penetrates the lane and drops the ball off to Wallace, who finishes with a dunk over that same flying pig. This is noteworthy for two reasons:
1) Thabo isn't awful tonight. 2) Ben Wallace dunked the ball.
Both rare but special things.
- Amazingly, the Bulls have cut it back to a two point game, as Orlando misses a few shots. With their final possession of the half, Chicago runs their insatiable Duhon/Wallace pick and roll. Amazingly, it doesn't work. A turnover and a three pointer later, the Bulls are down 5 at the half.
- The half time show brings us focus on, surprise surprise, Luol Deng. They have a feature in which he talks about a series of slide related to things in his life. These include Big Ben (the clock, not Wallace), his passport photo, Charlie Villanueva, Dikembe Mutombo, a Phoenix Suns cap and Manute Bol, whose legs dumbfound me with their length. This feature was not interesting, but I watched it all in case it was. In doing this, I had to once again sacrifice going for a piss. That's dedication, folks.
- Ajou Deng gets to talk a lot at half time, and cements his status as the least enticing TV personality ever. He does mention at one point, though, that he and Luol have another basketball playing brohter called Deng Deng. Maybe I misheard his dulcit tones, but I swear he said that. Meanwhile, Luol waxes lyrical about Wakeem, the team cancer. (Sarcasm).
- Orlando blows the game open again to start the second half, despite Jameer Nelson running two fast breaks so badly that he ought to be made an honorary Chicago Bull. Both times, he dribbled into the path of his wing man, and had to pull the ball back out. Still, Orlando hits their shots, and Chicago can't get theirs off.
- It's depressing to watch how little Ben Wallace gives a shit.
- Chicago has two point sint he first 4 minutes of the third quarter, including one beautfiful possession that featured a two man game between Wallace and Duhon, in which Wallace caught the ball in the low post with 15 seconds on the clock, and spun around looking for help for every last one of them. Good times.
Orlando trots down, and hits their open outside shots from a penetrate-and-kick game.
The game is blown open to a 73-54 affair from a 57-52 game at half time.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, that'll do it. I can't be bothered with the rest.
Ladies and gentleman, meet your Chicago Bulls. They're exactly the same outfit as last year, except they're more talented, and massively inferior.
Successful Chicago Bulls teams of the Scott Skiles era were personified by energy and defense. Both have vanished from the current Bulls. No one takes charges. Players don't fight for the rebound like they once did. Their simple playbook used to be reasonably effective when it was executed with a certain sharpness and crispness. But this crispness has disappeared. Players flit about, and the Bulls haven't the athletic talent to get away with that.
The problem does not necessarily lie with the Bulls player personel. They have a flawed roster, with not enough pure shotmaking talent and poor size. But they've always had this, and yet have proven that they can be successful anyway. The probkem stems from what these previously successful players have started not doing that has gotten them away from what they do best.
Instead of incremental improvements from the core, everyone except Tyrus Thomas has gone backwards. And even he hasn't done that much to get better except for adding a reasonable jumpshot. Ben Gordon's doing much better as of late after being benched, but his mind wasn't in it to begin the season, and he reverted to his stand-on-the-wing self of his first two seasons. Luol Deng, affected by nagging injuries, still fatigues too easily and goes for long stretches without touching the ball on offense. Chris Duhon is back to the standard of his sophomore season after a bad campaign last season, but he suffers from just not being that good. Ben Wallace's demise has gone from slow to debilitating. Andres Nocioni is chucking more than ever before, including even his rookie season, and his defense continues to get worse as he leaves several dozen open shooters a game. And Kirk Hinrich's offseason decision to bulk up seems to have resulted in a jarring loss of foot speed and the absence of any consistency in his jumpshot.
The Bulls guards never could finish around the rim. Their big men never could consistently do so either. The team was never tall, and never very athletic. But they used to win anyway. The defense would carry them. Even when they went through massive offensive droughts, they'd put you into one too, by taking many charges, deflecting the ball at all times, and just generally pissing you off. But the charge taking has gone. The deflections are way down. And the offense is worse, despite the too-massive-to-explain difference in offensive talent between the respective trios of Joe Smith, Aaron Gray and Joakim Noah over P.J. Brown, Michael Sweetney and Malik Allen.
So, what's wrong with the Bulls? Something. I don't know what to suggest.
(The following entry may well be written with a small hint of bias. Or, alternately, it may be written with huge seething dollops of it. I'm a Bulls fan, just so's you know.)
Has anybody ever told you that you need a dominant post scorer to win a title? If not, then you're not a Bulls fan. Since the dawn of time (or since the Eddy Curry trade, whichever), this edict has been hurled at Bulls fans and management alike by people of all races, creeds and IQ levels, and never more so than in the immediate aftermath of the Pau Gasol trade-that-never-was at the last trade deadline. Forget the fact that Detroit managed this supposedly impossible feat just three years ago: these people remain steadfast in their opinion. And why shouldn't they? People say it on the TV, after all, so it must be true.
After General Manager John Paxson did not pull the trigger on a deal for Gasol due to the excessive demands of Grizzlies GM Jerry West and the continued breakout of Luol Deng, talk of the Bulls need for a 'dominant' post scorer continued. "Experts" then shifted their attention to Kevin Garnett, ignoring for a moment the fact that such a move was never realistically possible due to the Bulls salary cap position. After that avenue also passed the Bulls by, people rolled their eyes, and widely discredited the Bulls offseason as something of a wash, given the lack of a big trade.
What seems to be overlooked, though, is that having a post up, back-to-the-basket scorer isn't nearly as important as having big men that can make shots. By that, I mean having big men that can hit shots from close in and mid range (or from further outside of possible). For example, in their championship seasons and ones subsequent, Detroit didn't have a dominant post scorer. They had an inside scoring weapon with Rasheed Wallace's fallaway from the post, but that accounted for about 6 points a game. What they did have was three offensively capable big men in Rasheed, Corliss Williamson and Mehmet Okur, who, despite being primarily face-up scorers, were scorers nonetheless, and whom could finish easy shots inside, even if they didn't create much down low. Additionally, the team with the most wins in the NBA last year (Dallas) does not have a post up scorer. They have a big man who is an elite scorer in Dirk Nowitzki, but that's a different thing altogether. (Note - I know they lost in the first round. But that's not why. They lost because they choked.)
In contrast, the Bulls last year had a slew of offensively inept big men. Their man options on that end where either the 41% shooting of reserve Malik Allen, who could only score via the pick and pop jumpshot, or P.J. Brown who had exactly the same issues going on. Failing that, they had either the amazing inconsistency of Michael Sweetney to turn to, or they could give shots to Tyrus Thomas, who could not consistently hit anything outside of dunks all year. And let's not mention Ben Wallace here, because we know what he's like. The Bulls hotchpotch of big men featured no one who could consistently make a layup and, apart from two decent mid-range shooters with nothing further to add, their big man offense constituted a whole lot of nothing. That is, unless you wish to include 6'7 outside shooter Andres Nocioni into the discussion. And that's hardly nullifying the issue right hurr.
But Chicago still did not need a post-up, slow-the-game-down interior scorer. If they could realistically obtain one for a decent price, then it would have been a move worth doing, as long as that player was not Zach Randolph (but hey, there'll be more on him in the Knicks post at a later date). However, they could not. And obtaining a second or third tier one such as Al Harrington or Shareef Abdur-Rahim just really was not bloody worth it.
What they needed was big men who could score the easy shots offered up within the flow, not get blocked by the rim, men who could break a zone defense, and who the guards could trust to pass to without their ears pricking up in anticipation of imminent danger.
Did they achieve this?
Well, not really. Not yet, anyway.
The Bulls did noticably upgrade their big men, though. Replacing the big bag of shite that was the holy foursome of Brown, Sweetney, Allen and Martynas Andriuskevicius was hard to do without upgrading, and therefore upgrade they did. Joakim Noah was drafted in the first round, a player who isn't particularly consistent offensively and who was drafted in front of Spencer Hawes (a superior interior scorer), but who was drafted there due to his superior all around game, which is something of a mantra for the Bulls. Joe Smith replaces the role P.J. Brown held last year, jigging around the mid range area looking for some jumpshots to clank, but who will do so with two added bonuses not previous brought by Brown: Smith is not completely immobile, and can get his layups above the rim. Aaron Gray offers very little offense, but you've never seen a man set backscreens better, And nobody replaces the spot once held by Andriuskevicius, so that's a net positive.
Additionally, another need was addressed with the drafting and signing of Jim Bob Curry. Behind the starters, the Bulls guards lacked offense and outside scoring. Every team needs a token chucker (see The Bench Player Handbook for more on that), and Curry provides Chicago with such a player. He won't play much, but if he does, he could help.
That, aside from re-signing Nocioni to a marginally oversized deal (but one necessarily so due to an alarming amount of open market interest: namely, one team, Memphis), was all that Chicago did. It's all that needed doing, really. Apart from signing Devin Brown, of course.
Next season:
While the Bulls changed basically all of their big man rotation, none of those players brought in are exceptional scorers. Joe Smith is a decent scorer, and Noah will be reasonably efficient in what few shots he takes. But while they have improved on the weakness of the previous season, it's not by a large amount. They still don't have a particularly adept group of offensive big men, and they didn't improve their wing players any. Then again, they didn't need to.
Improvement in this area has to come from within, namely from Tyrus Thomas, He, along with Ben Wallace, carries a load of the pressure in terms of how far the Bulls go this season. Both were inconsistent last season, Wallace due to a combination of nagging back/groin injuries and old age, and Thomas due to rookie rawness. Yet on the occasions that they played decent minutes together, the makings of a decent pairing were formed. Both are good passers and dribblers of the ball, fine rebounders and exceptional shotblockers, and the duo's versatility allows them to match up with any other frontcourt pairing out there - Wallace's strength and Thomas's speed being able to overcome any exaggeratedly-important height disparity. I may have made some words up there, but you get the idea.
The problem, though, was that neither could score well. And Thomas will have to be the one to correct that. It'd be more fun if it was Wallace that did, but......nah. I'm a gambling man, but I'm not taking those odds.
If Wallace is more consistent - or at least comparable to last year without any kind of gaping drop off - and if Thomas continues to develop his offensive game whist reining in the fouls, the duo has the ability to tip the Bulls fortunes over the top, in spite of neither being the mythical post up scorer that's apparently such a necessity. Chicago still retains their backcourt core to die for, with starters Hinrich, Gordon and Deng all still young and improving, and so it's the frontcourt that holds the key to the Bulls season.
Regardless, they're going to win the division. Blatantly. And then the East. And then the world. Maybe.
Sham is a miserable and self-effacing little bastard, whose basketball opinions are often riddled with bias, insecurity, and rank immaturity. He has also never played the sport, and the only game he has ever been to see was a Ware Rebels game back in 2001. The night bus didn't show up and he had to walk the 9 miles home. It was after this that his passion for basketball really took off.
He considers himself to be Britain's foremost NBA expert, an arbitrary title that carries with it no basis in fact, or any worldly significance. He also wrote this section of the website in third person narrative, purely for reasons of arrogance.
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is copyrighted to the website's owner, including (but not limited to)
the really stupid ones that I wish I'd never written.
