Where Are They Now, 2010; Part 14

This one might be shorter than the last one.

One final note on Keon Clark: despite what I said earlier about Clark's mandatory weekly court appearances being "almost universally described as good", Clark failed a drug test as recently as late November. So maybe it's not all coming up Milhouse after all.



- Victor Claver

Windpipe is still with Valencia, his hometown team and the team he's been with since he was 15. He's averaging 11.5 points, 6.0 rebounds and 2.0 assists per game in the Eurocup, alongside 9.4 points, 5.2 rebounds and 1.5 assists in the ACB. Good numbers all, with only one drawback; Claver is shooting a combined 26 of 87 from three point range between the two competitions, which is .298%.



- Mateen Cleaves

After spending last year in the D-League, Mateen Cleaves is currently unsigned. This would appear to be by choice, as his Twitter reveals a new career direction. Cleaves has teamed up with some guy named Jon Connor (not the one of Terminator fame) to launch Varsity Records, a record label that appears to have one client (Connor) and one manager (Cleaves). This would appear to be a full time venture for Cleaves now, so he is perhaps done with basketball at the age of 32. I'm speculating about that, of course, but only because of Cleaves's apparent dedication to this new endeavour.

Is Jon Connor any good? You be the judge.

Hard to tell, really. That's just noise on that video. The behind-the-club's-stage angle is never the best one acoustically. But the crowd seem to be enjoying it.

Here's an article about them both.





- Keith Closs

For the 2007-08 season, a 31 year old Closs joined the Tulsa 66ers of the D-League, and spent the entire year there. It represented the best job security that Closs had had since his NBA career floundered almost a decade ago, and an article (which I now can't find) spoke of his comeback from the apathy and alcoholism that had plagued him until that point. It was a nice story.

Since that season ended, though, Closs' career has been back to its previous stop-start ways. Closs started last year in China, averaging 14.2 points, 9.9 rebounds and a league best 4.5 blocks in 18 games for the now-defunct Yunnan Running Bulls. After putting up a triple double (13/13/11) in his final game with the team in late December, he moved to rival team Liaoning for a tryout, but did not make the team, and then this summer he was a part of the stacked IBL team, the Los Angeles Lightning.

What's he doing now? Well, this very week, Closs was the first pick in the second round of the Universal Basketball Association draft by the seminally named GIE Morrow Disciples, a team that clearly read the Anthony Morrow Facts before choosing that name. The Universal Basketball Association is a minor league that you've probably never heard of; nor had I until I looked up Keith Closs' recent career. The UBA is based in Texas and used to be known as the United Regions Basketball League. The MVP of the league last year was Atlanta Christian's very own Jermaine Barnes, who averaged 41 points, 11 rebounds, 7 assists and 5 steals per game.

For Keith Closs to have been only the 9th pick, there must be 8 players in the UBA deemed to be better than him.

(By the way, Jermaine Barnes has never played to a standard above the ABA, which isn't much of a standard at all. But the advantage to that is huge statistics, and Barnes fully took advantage of that by averaging 48.2 points per game for an entire season in 2007-08. It was in the Japanese third division, but still.)



- Dominique Coleman

Coleman made his name in the D-League last year, playing for the now-defunct Colorado 14ers. He averaged 15.1ppg, 7.6rpg, 4.8apg and a league best 2.8spg, numbers he hadn't previously approached, not even in the Big 12. Coleman took this new CV to Belgium, where he joined Dexia Mons-Hainaut and awaited some hot Eurocup action. However, despite his 22 points and 9 steals in two games, Dexia were knocked out of the Eurocup (see also: Justin Cage's entry), and Coleman moved to another Eurocup team in Angellico Biella. There, he averaged 4.8 points, 2.3 rebounds and 2.3 assists in the Eurocup, alongside 5.2 points, 2.0 rebounds and 1.2 assists in the Italian league, before being released. Coleman was only ever signed as injury cover for Fred Jones, and once Jones returned to health, Biella didn't have room to keep Coleman. He is now unsigned.



- Coleman Collins

Collins is in Germany, playing for ratiopharm Ulm. The lack of capitalisation there is theirs, not mine. Collins is averaging 11.8 points, 4.9 rebounds and 1.2 assists in 24 minutes per game, shooting 57% from the floor and 54% from the foul line.

It's been a while, so let's play Count The Germans: on a 15 man roster, Ulm have 10 Americans (including two called Kevin Martin and John Bryant), 1 Dane (going by the very un-Danish name of Darko Jukic), 1 Bosnian and 5 Germans. Three of those Germans are in the regular playing rotation, including national team forward Robin Benzing.

I think that's the most successful game of Count The Germans we've had so far.



- Will Conroy

Apart from very short stints in the NBA and Italy, Conroy has been in the D-League since leaving the University of Washington in 2005. This means he probably still has a mortgage, because the D-League does not pay well. Conroy has done this for the simple reason that he knows he's on the cusp of the NBA, and the best way to get in it when you're that close is to be in the D-League and wait for opportune 10 day deals. However, despite averaging 27/8/5/2 down there last year, Conroy still couldn't get any guaranteed money in training camp this year, and went to the Rockets camp in October on a completely unguaranteed deal. Then, in spite of the Rockets having only two point guards, Conroy lost out on a roster spot to Brian Cook, because Cook's expiring salary can't be traded if he's not on the roster. And trading that remains a possibility, however small. So it was no joy for Will.

The guards to have been called up from the D-League to the NBA so far this season are Sundiata Gaines, Mario West, Cedric Jackson and JamesOn Curry. While Gaines' story has been quite cool, what else does Conroy have to do? No one in the NBA really needs Conroy right now, not even the Rockets, but he's being passed over for lesser players and has been for a while. If teams need a point guard to call up as injury cover, Conroy is ready and waiting, but they're not doing so. Worse still for Conroy; he just turned 27, and the window is closing.

Conroy went to China to start this season, but lost out in the crush that saw basically every former NBA player vying for spots there. He has since rejoined the D-League and is averaging 14.3 points, 8.4 assists and 4.1 rebounds per game for the Rio Grande Valley Vipers.



- Omar Cook

Montenegrin national team starter Omar Cook is one of the best point guards in Europe. His team Unicaja Malaga have turned over their backcourt recently, replacing Taquan Dean and Shammond Williams with Juan Dixon and Zabian Dowdell, but Cook remains a mainstay and one of the best passers on the continent. He averages 9.3 points and 5.7 assists per game in 25 minutes per game in the ACB, alongside 8.9 points and 6.0 assists per game in the Euroleague. If those assists numbers don't look like much, consider:

a) the minutes played.

b) the fact that assists are far harder to get in Europe; double the number and subtract a bit for their NBA equivalents.

c) the fact that the Euroleague and the ACB represent the second and third best standards of basketball in the world, and Cook is second in them both in assists per game.

Maybe now you'll understand why he is totally badass.

Also note; in 19 ACB games this year, Cook has only scored in double figures 6 times. One of the, however, was a 35 point explosion. That was fun.



- Brandon Costner

NC State product Costner was Coleman's teammate at Dexia before getting hurt in late October. He was replaced by Curtis Sumpter, but rejoined the team in early December, and is averaging 10.6 points and 4.0 rebounds on the Belgian league season. He was doing a lot better before the injury.

From what I've seen of him there this year, Costner has foresaken any remaining impulses to pretend he's a power forward any more.



- Ryvon Covile

Detroit Mercy product Covile is playing his second season with Orleans in France, with this year having an added bonus; Orleans are (or rather, were) a Euroleague team. In that competition, The Detergent averaged 9.2 points, 3.7 rebounds and 3.3 fouls, alongside 10.1 points, 5.0 rebounds and 2.1 fouls per game in the French league. Covile's rebounding was his staple in college, yet he's not proving to be much of a rebounder now that he's undersized in the pros. However, his offensive output has increased over the years, which makes up for it.



- Chris Crawford

As regular readers will know, Crawford has been a particular point of interest over the years due to his complete disappearance a few years ago. That issue was addressed at length here, and an impassioned two person internet campaign to find Chris Crawford produced the following results:

1) He lives in Galesburg, Michigan.
2) He owns a company called "Slam Dunk Stables," a thoroughbred racing stable that either is or was part-owned by Clippers owner Donald Sterling.

I don't think we need any more than that.



- Joe Crawford

Crawford was in camp with the Knicks, yet despite having the guaranteed money advantage over Marcus Landry, Landry beat him to the 14th roster spot. And the Knicks didn't keep fifteen out of training camp, for as we later learned, they were keeping number 15 for Jonathan Bender. Crawford rejoined the D-League - where he will earn about half of the $50,000 the Knicks are paying him not to play - where he was assigned to the L.A. D-Fenders. He is averaging 17.7 points and 3.8 assists per game.



Finally....

- Austin Croshere

Despite playing for three NBA teams last year - the Pacers, the Bucks and the Spurs - Croshere has not played for any this year. It doesn't look like he's going to, either, as he now does television and occasional radio work for the Pacers.



Remember to use the site's Twitter account, which is rife with news of players not worthy enough for their own posts. For example, would you like to know which former Oklahoma State player was just suspended for signing in both Portugal and Montenegro at the same? If so, go there.

Where Are They Now, 2009; Part 13

- Carlos Delfino is still with Khimky in Russia, despite the rumours of a return to the Raptors ramping up a bit after Toronto dumped Hassan Adams off to the Clippers a fortnight ago. However, while these rumours may not be unfounded, they sure are illogical. Let me tell you why the Raptors dumped Hassan Adams - they dumped Hassan Adams because Brian Colangelo gave Adams a guaranteed contract in July, something which Hassan then used as an excuse to not work very hard, showing up fat and unable to do the one thing that he's quite good at - running around off the ball. Additionally, Hassan Adams is not very good, which in hindsight was another reason not to give him that guaranteed contract. However, because Colangelo did, he brought the team so close to the tax threshold ($1,107 beneath it, to be exact) that the team could only carry 13 players in order to stay under it. When their big man injury situation got so bad that they had to sign somebody (Jake Voskuhl), the Raptors had to shift a contract in order to get underneath the threshold again. Adams was the logical choice - he was the final man on the bench, filled no team needs, had an appropriately sized yet easily moveable, and should never have been on the team in the first place. So the Raptors gave the Clippers some money as an incentive for taking on Hassan's dead weight cap number. THAT'S why the Raptors moved Hassan Adams. It wasn't a precursor to some move for Carlos bloody Delfino.

Let me ask you something - when you're so staunchly obliged to stay under the luxury tax that you can't even sign the irrelevant Jake Voskuhl without having to make corresponding roster moves to free up the money, while carrying the league minimum players all season in a bid to save further money, are you really going to throw a few million at a backup wing player, who just played his supposed career season with you and who still wasn't very good, chucking like Berry and somehow managing to shoot slightly less than his piss poor career average of 40% shooting? No, no you aren't. No matter how desperate you are for a short term fix,, Carlos Delfino isn't it. He's especially not it when obtaining him means roundly buggering your extremely delicate salary situation. And so that's why the Raptors won't be signing Carlos Delfino this season. Or if they do, they're dumb.

(By the way, Delfino averages 11.4 points and 4.1 rebounds in Russian league play. It's all good information.)

- Tony Delk retired from professional basketball in November 2007. This retirement lasted a mere manner of months, as he quickly unretired to join a team in Puerto Rico. Three games later, Delk retired again, and is now a "technical advisor" to that same Puerto Rican team, the Gigantes of Carolina. I assume that this means he mends the Jumbotron every now and then, and plays lots of Minesweeper.

- Derrick Dial is currently in the D-League with the Tulsa 66ers, which isn't really the place for 33 year old journeyman. Nevertheless, Dial is there, and he averages 11.3 points, 4.1 rebounds, 3.9 assists and 38% shooting, as the sixth man on a Tulsa team that averages 21.3 turnovers a game. And that's a lot of turnovers.

- Dimitris Diamantidis is in his fifth season with Panathinaikos, averaging 10.4 points, 4.9 rebounds and 3.6 assists in Euroleague play.

[Did I really just say "chucking like Berry"? Jesus. You'd better go. I wouldn't read me either.]

- Guillermo Diaz averages 17.6 points and 2.0 assists for Eldo Caserta, the Italian team that Jamar Butler also just joined. The 2.0 assists is a team high (tied with Butler, although Butler has played only three games), so there's clearly not a lot of passing from the Eldo backcourt there. Although that's probably not that surprising, coming from a backcourt featuring Guillermo Diaz, Horace Jenkins and Shan Foster.

- Dan Dickau is unsigned, and still trying to add to his healthy old list of NBA Teams That Dan Dickau Has Belonged To For At Least 8 Minutes - the Lakers are supposedly interested in him.

- Kaniel Dickens is in the Italian second division. He was in the first division, but his team - Napoli - went bankrupt, and so Kaniel had to look elsewhere. For Cimberio Varese, playing alongside Randolph Childress, Dickens averages 14.3 points and 7.1 rebounds, both team highs. While writing Kaniel's name just now, I noticed that an anagram of it happened to be "Dick Linesnake", which might just be the best name for a male porn star that I've ever heard. That, or he's an Anchorman character. Good times.

- Michael Dickerson's random comeback didn't last very long. Signing with the Cavaliers for training camp, after five and a half years out of the game, Dickerson faced impossible odds to make the team, and didn't overcome them. After being waived, Dickerson went back where he came from - to India, on a voyage of "spiritual discovery". Alrighty.

- Alain Digbeu - some old French git whsoe rights the Hawks still own - started the season with Kavala/Panorama in Greece (a team that seemingly couldn't decide which name to use), but left earlier this month. Whether he jumped or whether he was pushed, I couldn't say, but the 7.1 points per game on 36% shooting probably made him livewithoutable.

- And finally, an update on two players that have already been mentioned, but whose circumstances have since changed. Justin Frazier has signed with the San Antonio Spurs on a ten day contract, although what the Spurs think they'll see in those ten days that Austin hasn't shown over the last 12 years is a bit baffling. And, after describing at reasonable length how former Lakers guard Maurice Carter was seemingly out of basketball, he has just this week gotten back into it, as he was acquired by the Rio Grande Valley Vipers of the D-League.

Spooky coincidence? Maybe. But I'd like to think that I'm responsible for him getting employment. I'm not, but I like to think it anyway.

Where Are They Now, 2009; Part 11

- I have no idea where Keon Clark is, specifically, but the answer is probably jail.

- Milone Clark averages 4.8 points and 3.4 rebounds for the Sioux Falls Skyforce. I openly admit to knowing basically nothing about Milone Clark, but, as a player who has never put up good numbers at any stage of his career (he even only scored 15ppg in the Ecuadorian league) yet who somehow landed a training camp spot with the Knicks in 2006......well, Milone Clark is either a very good defensive guard, or Isiah Thomas was knocking him off too. In which case, Milone, you'd better sue. You'll make a mint.

- Mateen Cleaves is also in the D-League, where he averages 13.2 points and 8.2 assists for the Bakersfield Jam. (Also note - the jumpshot is still broken.) The 8.2 assists is good for second in the league, behind only Walker Russell, who is way out in front with 11.1 apg. But only six players in the entire D-League average over 7 apg, which is somewhat unremarkable in a league with an unsubtle emphasis on pushing the ball and stat padding. Then again, maybe they're all too busy shooting.

- Keith Closs is still an amusing sideshow. Closs spent last year in the D-League with the Tulsa 66ers, where he admitted to his alcoholism and posted a season featuring nearly as many blocks per game (2.8) as rebounds (4.7), yet this seaspn he left the D-League to go to China. Signing with the Yunnan Honghe Running Bulls, Closs averaged 14.2 points, 9.9 rebounds and 4.5 blocks in the Chinese league, which frequently boasts amusingly lopsided statistics (speaking of, if and when we get to the letter W, have a look at Bonzi Wells's scoring average), but left the team for reasons unbeknownst to me. Closs then had a trial with another Chinese team, the Liaoning Panpan Hunters, but left earlier this month and is currently unsigned. Somewhere in amongst all that, Closs managed to apply for Phillipino citizenship, for reasons that are also unbeknownst to me. And Slam Magazine also carried this story about him, which, like most Keith Closs stories, is kind of fun. While we're on the subject of fun Keith Closs moments, here is Keith Closs blocking two shots in what looks dangerously like a high school game, and flexing afterwards:



And here's the old classic of him being beaten up:



Ladies and gentleman, Mr Keith Closs.


- Coleman Collins is also in the D-League, averaging 12.4 points and 6.4 rebounds on a disappointing 43% shooting for the Fort Wayne Mad Ants.

- Will Conroy leads the D-League in scoring, with a 25.0 points per game average for the Albuquerque Thunderbirds, and he is also tied for third in assists at 7.6 apg. The little git also averages a handy 4.4 rebounds, and fills up the stat sheet further with 2.6 steals per game. However, rather than being instantly deemed the next Chris Paul, Conroy's averages need some kind of context - he puts up these numbers in a numbers heavy league, while averaging a whopping 44.9 minutes a game. Conroy also leads the league in turnovers with 4.5 a game, leading to an assist/turnover ratio of a mediocre 1.7:1, and while he shoots a huge number of free throws (169 FTA to 283 FGA), he hits them at only 70%. Nevertheless, Conroy is behind only Eddie Gill in the Order In Which D-League Point Guards Are To Be Called Up To The NBA (note: such a list does not really exist), and if the Lakers sign Gill - as they are threatening to do - then things are looking good for Conroy when Phoenix need another mandatory 13th man.

- Montenegran legend Omar Cook averages 5.2 points, 1.8 steals and 4.9 assists for Unicaja Malaga in Spain. That might not seem like much - and the points certainly aren't - but it comes in only 22 minutes per game, in a country where assists are far harder to come by. That 4.9 assists is good for third in the Spanish league, and Cook's averages in the Euroleague - 5.0ppg, 5.1 apg - had him tied for the tournament lead in assists there, too. So there's some more context for you.

- Ryvon Covile is in France, playing for Orleans (not New Orleans, but the old one). Covile averages 10.8 points and 6.8 rebounds while still boasting the greatest name in the Western world.

- Chris Crawford has now been out of basketball for about 5 years, and yet I still feel morally obligated to tell you that he's not playing every year. Since the last time I told you this, only one new shred of information has come to light, that being this quote from his Wikipedia page:

During the summers they [Crawford and his brother] often golf at Milham Park Golf Course in their hometown of Kalamazoo, MI.

That's fun, clearly. But it's time for a new rule - no more Chris Crawford updates on this website. Not unless there's ever anything to actually report, like if he commits a murder or becomes King of Poland or something.


- Joe Crawford didn't make the Lakers's regular season roster out of training camp, but the Lakers own their own D-League affiliate, the Los Angeles D-Fenders. As a result, Crawford was immediately allocated there upon signing with the D-League, where he currently averages 20.9 points, 4.8 rebounds and 3.2 assists. Note to all NBA teams out there - if you want to keep lots of your training camp signings and former players, buy your own D-League affilate and wait for the allocations to come pouring in. It seems to work wonders. Crawford can technically sign a contract with any NBA team (and even turn down the Lakers if he so chose), but if the San Antonio Spurs and the Austin Toros slightly illicit partnership is anything to go on.....he won't.

- Austin Croshere signed with the Indiana Pacers, lost out to the guaranteed contract of Stephen Graham (who looks to have finally found a steady spot in the NBA), was claimed off of waivers by the Milwaukee Bucks, hit a few three pointers, and was waived last week to avoid the contract guarantee date. However, if my understanding of prorating the salaries of league-reimbursed veterans is correct - and it probably isn't - then waiving Croshere saves the Bucks only about $300,000, and his part season of insignifcance cost them almost double that. So was it really worth waiving him? Don't know. It depends on if I'm right, I guess. The lesson, as always: I'm probably not right.

- T.J. Cummings came to The Arse early in the year, but then pulled out. I really enjoyed writing that sentence.

Kobe Bryant

Today is the day on which it hath been decreed by someone called Matt that NBA fans the world over are to loudly vociferate their rampant and slightly homosexual man-love for Kobe Bryant. Whether or not you like Kobe has been deemed irrelevant - today, we talk about him nicely, for today is the day that the Lakers face Toronto, the team which Bryant obfuscated and subjugated on the way to his Jalen Rose-induced 81 point outing.

(Sorry, I'm just playing with an online thesaurus. I'm also on a bet to try and get "imbibe" (to drink) in this post. And I can't shave Drew Gooden's beard off until it's done.)

You may expect at this point to be swamped with the kind of Kobe-related trivial bollocks (the unsuccessful follow-up to Trival Pursuit) that defines this website. Perhaps you would expect a list of anagrams of Kobe Bryant's name. Or perhaps you would want to see a list of Kobe Bryant lookalikes. Perhaps you would prefer to see an archive of photographs of all the women that Kobe has obfuscated over the years. (By the way, I'm trusting that that word really does mean "dominated".) Perhaps you want to see video clips of him playing, offered up in lieu of any actual written analysis. Or perhaps you just want to see pictures of him looking a bit gay.

Well, as L.A. Clippers fans used to say, you'll ne'er be disappointed if you have only pitiful expectations to begin with. So here are those things.



1) Toby Banker; Bye, rat knob; Nobby taker; Botany Berk; Try-on kebab. (Yeah, they're all crap, what do I care.)

2)

3)

4)


5) ....Oh Christ, there's millions.



Yet, in addition to all of that anti-climactic petulance, today is a day for celebrating the more basketball related facets of basketball, something rarely done around here. (And something never done without wildly overzealous amounts of parentheses.)

This does, however, present a problem. With so many people blogging about the same subject on the same day, it's going to be difficult to find anything unique enough to say. This is a problem that I struggle with a lot, as evidence by the title of this post.

What approach can I take? What can I say that hasn't been said? What angle article will not have been taken? Maybe I could do some comparisons. Is Kobe the best player in the game today? Is he the best thing since Michael Jordan's sliced bread? Will he win another ring without Shaq? Did he rape her? Will he ever win an MVP award?

No. I shan't. These questions have all been done to death. And they're also not very exciting. I need something insightful.

(Answers to those questions, in order: not quite, so far, probably, innocent until proven guilty, don't know or care.)

So, in place of actual thought, effort, graft or insight, I'll turn to the thing that I know best, and what appeals most to the captivated audience of 5 people: My earliest NBA memories.



For those unaware and yet interested enough to have read this far, I am an Englishman. And, like so many of my Englishman peers, I live in England. If you've never been to England, it may or may not come as a shock to you that the sport of basketball here is about as widespread and savoured as the ebola virus, and despite the NBA's unsubtle efforts to liberally daub our nation's fine capital in basketball's highest calibre custard, the sport remains a distinct afterthought, having to compete with Argentinian soccer and The World's Strongest Man for early hours TV coverage. Britain and basketball go together about as well as America with dieting, Damon Jones with humility, Gary Payton with an understanding of the ravages of time, and the French with steely resolve. And your country's basketball outlook would be the same if your national team shamefully boasted the powerhouse high/low post threat of Robert Archibald and Andy Betts.

(Mind you, if Steve Nash and Michael Olowokandi switched their allegiances, we could have one hell of a running game. Just as long as Olowokandi, Betts and Archibald weren't involved.)

In recent times, though, multi-toothed overrated starlet Luol Deng has decided that he wants to be English more than he wants to be Sudanese or American. This decision, which I would imagine to have been about as simple as deciding whether to deliberately contract rabies or not, has led to a renewed interest from all 15 basketball fans left in this country. With Deng obtaining a British passport, with the potential addition of Ben Gordon, and with the British nations combining to form the first ever British basketball team, the sport has a new zest for life over here, as evidenced by the fact that we we now get one game a week (often live, sometimes taped delayed) played at 1am on Tuesday nights/Wednesday mornings. Woohoo!

This wasn't always the case, however. As the incoherent ramblings on the profiles of Austin Croshere and Pat Garrity allude to, our NBA coverage used to be even more limited than this. A Saturday morning magazine show existed in the early to mid 90's, but then disappeared, and for a while there was nothing but tumbleweed. Then, in 1999, a different channel started runnning a half-hour Saturday afternoon magazine show, cleverly called NBA '99, and presented by the lovely Beverley Turner.


In 1999, I was 15 years old. What does a 15 year old boy does at 2pm on a Saturday afternoon, particularly when he lives in the middle of nowhere?

He sits indoors, and channel hops looking for the attractive ladies. Obviously.

This is what I did. I doubt I was alone. (Well, I was alone while I was watching it, but what I mean is I'm sure other people did this too. Maybe.)

What I didn't realise, having never played basketball in school or otherwise, was that I actually quite liked the sport. It only took about 20 minutes for me to realise that I wasn't watching the show for Beverley Turner any more, but for the sport itself. (And that's no slight on Beverley Turner, who we can clearly see is basically perfect.) From there, I became an avid watcher of the sport, recording every magazine show and imbibing (hooray!) every last morsel of NBA coverage that was thrown our way. These morsels were few and far between, but each was savoured more than the last, and I'm not ashamed of the fact that I can remember entire pieces of Kevin Harlan's commentary from the Knicks versus Pacers Eastern Conference Finals series of that season. Which explains my Marcus Camby love.

A new NBA fan was born, and a pathetically keen one at that. It took only the purchase of a copy of Total NBA '96 for the Playstaton to cement a powerful life-long lust towards the art of watching men in shorts run around sweating. (And by "purchase", I mean "borrow from an acquiaintance to whom you have no intention of ever given it back". I still have it.)

Yet only the half-hour weekend magazine show offered any actual coverage. Total NBA '96 could only teach a man so much - its rather antiquated game engine based a player's scoring ability off of their previous season's shooting percentages, which made from great fun halfcourt shootouts between Olden Polynice and Eric Mobley, both of whom went 1-1 on threes the previous season. These were also pre-internet days, if only in this household, and so my entire NBA knowledge stemmed from what I could collate from 3 minute highlight montages of games.

For some bizarre reason, such highlight montages seemed to focus on the usually white bench players. Or at least, that's how I remember them. Despite hiring former Olympic sprinter Derek Redmond as Beverley's co-presenter, purely to meet an ethnic minorities quota, the coverage then focused on the flair plays of not particularly good white guys, such as Croshere and Garrity, or Jason Williams and Vlade Divac. (Except those two were brilliant, obviously.) This trend continued to see out the whole of the 1999 NBA season, and was odd and yet brilliant. (Oh and for all doubters out there, you know Pat Garrity's got flair.)


In 2000, however, the show underwent a couple of changes. Gone was the original title, as the show was now called NBA 2000, the producers mercifully refusing to go for the 2K abbreviation. Also gone was Derek Redmond, as he was no longer needed to fill a black person quota due to the show's inclusion of Michael Olowokandi as a presenter. (I'm not making this up.) While Beverley Turner would hold down all the in-studio work, the three players in the league at that time with English connections - however tenuous - would host their own little pieces to camera, with varying degrees of success. Steve Nash (before he was good) would have a brief segment on record holders throughout the history of the game, Olowokandi (before he was crap) would have a little slot describing some of the rules of the game for those who did not understand, and John Amaechi (before he was gay) had short interviews with Beverley about multiple uninteresting subjects.

If you're wondering why all this is relevant to Kobe Bryant, you'll now find out.

Kobe started getting his own little airtime toward the end of the series, too, in which he chose his own personal favourite starting 5, one per week, and then talked about them to camera for a bit. It was, to those of us whose NBA knowledge was limited to Polynice's three point range and White Chocolate's inevitable superstardom, our first introduction to Kobe Bryant. Kobe chose himself as a sixth man for his list, seemingly leaned on by producers to do so, and immediately following this were some highlights of Kobe's play and highlights of a recent Lakers game.

I liked him.

And there, over 1700 convoluted words in, we finally arrive at my point - I like Kobe Bryant.



I don't need to fake liking him for today, for I already do like him. I know that, as a non-Laker NBA fan, I should dislike him for so many reasons. I know that he's an arrogant little git. I know that I should dislike him for being outrageously good. I know that I should dislike him because of all his endless dick-riders who talk about how fantastic he is at all times, despite this not being his fault. As a Bulls fan, I know that I should dislike him for that whole anti-climactic trade talk surrounding him to open this season, despite that also not being his fault. I should hate him for the fact that he's a massive bastard, and for his constant overexposure to which we are subjected every minute of every day. (Assuming you have dull days, that is.) And, if I were to be as stubbornly intolerant as some of my peers, I'd hate him for the consensual sex outside of marriage that led to an unsubstantiated rape accusation. (Seriously. Some people are still powerfully into that thing. Gotta let that go, you know?)

But I don't hate him. I kind of like him. And I can't explain that.



As an Englishman, you are trained from a young age that supporting the underdog is an enjoyable and infinitely more worthwhile experience. It is a mindset first installed into young minds during Second World War lessons at secondary school, and one that is carried over to the world of tennis, where we turn up at Wimbledon in all our pomp and regalia and then we lose.

This is the reason why I support the Chicago Bulls - having gotten into the NBA in 1999, when Chicago was staple gunned to the foot of the Eastern Conference standings, they seemed like the logical team to support. For those not aware of how this logic works; if you support a team that isn't any good, it's hard to be upset when they lose, because they're supposed to lose anyway. But, if they win, bonus! False hope rules! (Note: The L.A. Clippers were actually worse that year. But, unlike the Bulls, I'd never heard of them. Nor was I entirely sure what haircare products had to do with basketball team names.)

So where does my liking of Bryant stem from, given that it flies in the face of my national identity as a futility chaser? I couldn't say.

Maybe it stems from a lifelong desire to be deliberately obtuse and contrarian.

Maybe I'm totally lusting and gay after him. (NOTE - unlikely, because I'm straight. Thought I should clarify this.)

Maybe his eloquence and surprisingly good humour during his guest spots on NBA 2000 sold him to me.

Maybe I'm just won over by how extremely good the man is.


To be honest, I don't know.

Whatever reason it is, Kobe Bryant has achieved something in this country that has only previously been achieved by Shaquille O'Neal and Michael Jordan. Non-NBA fans - of which there are about 55 million - have heard of Kobe Bryant. (The rape trial helps with this, but play along anyway.) They might not know anything about him, and most of them may spell his name like Kobe Karl's by mistake. Yet they have heard of him. When discussing today's Kobe Celebration Day with a female friend not even remotely interested in basketball, she re-affirmed this point by telling me that she knew who Kobe Bryant was before I'd even asked if she knew of him.

(She then followed up this statement with the seminal sentence, "oh there's that other one, isn't there? Shawn O'Shearer?". Good times. Sorry, Shaq.)

So when you watch Kobe be his brilliant self, and whether this makes your heart a-flutter or your anger arise, remember that you are arguably watching the best basketball player that you will ever watch. Even when he annoys you, be grateful that he makes you care enough to be annoyed by him. Where you want to place him in the all-time hierarchy is an unwinnable debate, so choose your own stance on the issue. But, wherever you place him, you know he's up there. So savour it.

Not just today, but every time he plays, and every play he makes. Because he really is special.




And for the love of God, can someone PLEASE show me where to watch the 81 point game? I still haven't seen it.

30 teams in as many days as it takes: Dallas

Players acquired via free agency or trade:

Brandon Bass (two year minimum)
Trenton Hassell (acquired from Minnesota)
Eddie Jones (two year, full BAE)



Players acquired via draft:

First round: None
Second round: Nick Fazekas (34th overall), Reyshawn Terry (44th overall, unsigned), Reinaldas Seibutis (50th overall, unsigned)



Players retained:

Jerry Stackhouse (re-signed, 3 years, $22,376,250, I think)
Devean George (opted out, re-signed, 1 year, $2,369,111)
Devin Harris (signed a wildly oversized 5 year extension)
DeSagana Diop (exercised team option)



Players departed:

Greg Buckner (traded to Minnesota)
Austin Croshere (signed with Golden State)
Kevin Willis (unsigned)
Pops Mensah-Bonsu (waived, signed in Italy)



Bobbins:

The Mavericks have one of the worst young cores in the NBA. With only Devin Harris, Juan Jose Barea and Maurice Ager as the only returning players under the age of 26, and with only one of those playes able to crack any NBA team's rotation, Dallas enjoys (if that's the word) almost nothing in the way of prospects. There's Josh Howard of course, but he's 27 now, and while DeSagana Diop is still only 25, you're an optimist and an idiot if you think there's some skills in there that he's merely kept hidden for 6 years.

(Incidentally, did you know that Mavericks training camp signee Jamal Sampson is only 24 years old, despite being around for what feels like a million years, and that commonly accepted youngster Diduer Ilunga Mbenga is about to turn 27? Me neither. These things are worth noting. That is, they are worth nothing if you're really bitterly pathetic like me. If you are, hooray! We should hang out.)

Dallas tried to add to this somewhat this summer. Without a first round draft pick, they picked Nick Fazekas high in the second, thus once again insuring that they have a tall white forward who takes 85% outside jumpshots and who doesn't move well on defense. It's a recent trend that began with Keith Van Horn, was last year handled marvellously by Austin Croshere, who now passes the mantle onto Fazekas.

Fazekas figures not to play much, though, after the unheralded signing of Brandon Bass seems to have given the Mavericks a backup power forward worth a damn. After two years of bland nothingness with the Hornets, Bass was allowed to leave unchallenged when Dallas picked him up. Since then, despite it only being preseason, Bass has shown signs of being a capable player, and being only 22 he can join (or rather, "be") Dallas young core.

But then, who gives a shit about a young core when you've just won 67 games the season before? To add young talent is nice, but all Dallas really needed to do was to keep the core that they had, maybe add one or two pieces, and try all over again. They did this, adding some perimeter defense in Eddie Jones and Trenton Hassell, while bringing back Devean George and Jerry Stackhouse for some more depth. The Mavericks can boast now one of the NBA's deeper teams, and they still rock the core that resulted in the 5th best record in NBA history last year (it was something like that, at least. I forgot what it was exactly).

They didn't blow it up, and under no circumstances should they have done. Watch as they now decimate the roster in a trade for Kobe.



Next year:

Much has been made of the Mavericks historic capitulation to the Warriors in round one of the playoffs last year, which set all kinds of trends that I can't rememeber. But what a lot of people tend to overlook was the sheer bad luck of it all. If any other team claims that eighth seed, Dallas polishes them off with no problem at all. Yet Golden State offered up by far and away the biggest matchup problem of them all, and it's them who Dallas drew.

The Mavericks did not help themselves by somewhat wilting under pressure, and Avery Johnson by his own admission did not make the correct adjustments.

None of this, however, means that the right way for the Mavericks to go is to start thinking "yes, what we need right now is the sub-30% clutch shooting of Kobe Bryant", or "we can never with win Dirk, let's trade him".

They have a formula, and it's one that works. It worked last year to the tune of 67 wins, and while regular seasons don't account for anything in the playoffs (as Golden State showed), it does serve to prove that this Mavericks team can beat all comers. All, that is, but one.

To solve Golden State (and believe me when I tell you that I realise how stupid it is to imply that a team's season rests on one matchup versus one solitary mediocre opponent), Dallas doesn't need to revamp their roster, but make some adjustments and not get rattled. They didn't, and so they lost. But were that situation to happen again, that's all it takes to avoid that drama again.

Dallas is arguably the best team in the league. The Spurs have the title and claim that crown, but Dallas is up there. They should once again finish with the best regular season record and win the Western Conference.

This year, they just need a better stroke of luck, and a dose of fortitude. If that happens, they may win the title. They're one of very few teams that are good enough.