Joey Dorsey loses a game that he wasn't in

Down one in the closing stages of a summer league game, new Wizards guard Dee Brown fouls Uruguay's finest, the insatiable Gustavo Barrera, sending him to the line. Barrera hits both foul shots, putting Houston up by 3.

Rockets forward Joey Dorsey - watching the game from the sidelines due to an ankle injury - briefly breaks away from his spontaneous "Who Can Wear The Worst Stripey Polo Shirt" competition with Rafer Alston, and decides to say something. The ref decides to T him up, demonstrating the elaborate technical foul calling technique that NBA scouts want to see from potenital refs. Dorsey sulks. Nick Young hits the technical free throw, and the Wizards have the ball, down two.

Andray Blatche, who has battled bravely against the desire to pass for a number of years now, throws up a tub of wank three pointer. It misses, but Brown tips it back in, and the game goes to overtime. The Wizards go on to win, and the Rockets don't. Joey Dorsey loses not only a game he wasn't in, but also the polo shirt competition, as he has no answer for Rafer's daring usage of deep red and sky blue on an otherwise predominantly white top.

(Also notice - Vladimir Veremeenko. Hooray! If these games are downloadable anywhere, then I need to know. Can't do streams, though.)


Here's what I know about Joey Dorsey - he's an idiot. Someone once told me that he's the next Ben Wallace, which re-affirms my belief on this. (And no, I'm not at all bitter about the spectacularly unsuccessful Ben Wallace signing and the collateral damage that it caused. Nope. Not at all. Totally over it.) Admittedly I don't know much about Joey Dorsey - when he made headlines for "announcing" that his college team mate Derrick Rose was not going to be drafted number 1 by Chicago in a hilarious wind-up that everyone found hilarious, it took me two weeks to find out that Joey Dorsey was a player, and not an opportunist reporter. But still. I know he's a bit of an idiot. Wikipedia agrees.

During the 2007 NCAA Men's Division I Basketball Tournament, Dorsey famously called Ohio State center Greg Oden "overrated as a big man," said that Oden "might be as good as Joey Dorsey," and called himself Goliath and Oden the "the little man." Dorsey also predicted a 20 rebound game for himself. The Buckeyes defeated the Tigers by a score of 92-76 and Dorsey finished with zero points and just four rebounds. In fact, Dorsey was so overmatched during the game that he was not able to even attempt a field goal in the 19 minutes he was on the court. As terrible as he was on the offensive end, he was as bad or worse on the defensive end. Dorsey's defensive duty was to guard Oden. Oden shot 7 for 8 from the field for 17 points and also grabbed 9 rebounds.

And now this.

The evidenced is really piling up. Joey Dorsey = a mouthy git. A bit like Stephen Jackson.

Top 24 NBA Sex Scandals Of The Last 15 Years

In case you missed it, a story "broke" (if that's the right way to phrase something that's been around, but underacknowledged, since about 1998) NBA legend Karl Malone knocked up a 13 year old girl when he was a college player. Why this has gone past us so quietly is a mystery, but it does seem to be just one more in a long list of recent NBA sex scandals. And so here is that list.

Stories listed in no particular order.



LIST OF NBA PLAYERS (and owners) IN RAPE/WEIRD NAUGHTY SEX STUFF SCANDALS:


1 - Karl Malone: See above.

2 - Bryant Matthews: Former Raptor (for about a week) only got out of jail earlier this year for a rape charge in which he walked in on his friend and his friend's girlfriend having sex in a hotel room, and stuck his fingers in her lovely lady lump. His in-court defense was "[I] thought she was cool with it". Apparently she wasn't. Served nine months.

3 - DeShawn Stevenson: Had consensual sex with a 14 year old when he was 20, which isn't rape in the she-didn't-want-it sense, but which is clearly statutory. Pleaded no contest to sex with a minor. Was sentenced to 2 years probation and 100 hours of community service, which somewhat sadistically was served at a "Boys And Girls" club.

4 - Ruben Patterson: Sentenced to a year in jail (all but 15 days of which were suspended) after pleading no contest to an attempted rape charge on his nanny. Allegedly, she came in to find Patterson standing naked, masturbating. He then forced her to gigoogidy his gerschmoigin, and ejaculated within seconds. Only then did he let her leave. Allegedly. Also fined $100,000 by the Blazers, which seemed a little ironic since they'd just given him $35 million, even with this charge hanging over him. Additionally received 2 years probation, a $5,000 fine and had to pay the nanny.

5 - Chris Webber and Juwan Howard: Accused of sexual assault. Jury decided not to indict. Howard later sued the accuser, won, and donated his $100,000 settlement to a rape crisis centre.

6 - Ron Mercer, Antoine Walker and Chauncey Billups: Details on this are sparse, but apparently they were sued for rape. Why would you sue for rape? Why wouldn't you press charges? I don't get it. Either way, no charges were brought, and an out-of-court settlement was reached. (The incident took place at Walker's home, where - allegedly - he walked in on the act, and declined his housemate Michael Irvin's invitation to dive right in there. Strange times.)

7 - Andray Blatche: Arrested and charged with solicitation. Was sentenced to attend a day's seminar on the dangers of prostitution, which seems like no punishment whatsoever.

8 - Kwame Brown: Accused of sexual assault after a playoff game. No charges brought due to a lack of evidence. The woman in question admitted to a consensual encounter, and then apparently it got less consensual. But that doesn't explain why she then hung around for hours afterwards.

9 - Kobe Bryant: Yeah, you know this story. Case dropped in criminal court, settlement reached in civil court.

10 - Jahidi White: Investigated for sexual assault. Details extremely absent. No charges. (Rumour has it that it involved a nude Oriental lady and a fat white chick. And lots of crying. Allegedly.)

11 - Julius Hodge: Accused of sexual assault on a Denver woman. The woman claimed that, after driving her back to her house after being at a club, Hodge forced her onto the bed and tried to rape her. No charges were brought due to lack of evidence. The woman was then jailed for violating her concurrent probation by being out that late.

12 - Michael Olowokandi: Sued for rape by a woman who claims that the encounter led to the less-than-immaculate conception. Can't seem to find out what became of this.

13 - Mo Peterson, Cliff Robinson, Juwan Howard again: All sued at some point for allegedly deliberating infecting someone with herpes. In Juwan's case, it happened twice. The suit against Robinson was for an enormous $20 million, and tests showed that he did (does?) indeed have it. (The herpes, not the $20 million.)

14 - Sam Cassell: Accused of rape way back in 1996. No charges brought.

15 - Elden Campbell: Sued for an apparent date rape, in which he allegedly drugged someone before raping them. I don't know what became of this, because it was back in 1997, and my only source of research is the internet. And the internet wasn't much back in 1997. But obviously not much came of it, or else we would have known about it. Date rape is a pretty bloody serious allegation, after all.

16 - Latrell Sprewell: Investigated for sexual assault after apparently choking a woman he was having consensual sex with on his boat. Don't know what became of this, which implies that it was probably nothing. (But he did later have the boat repossessed.)

17 - Donald Sterling: Admitted to paying a woman for sex for a numbers of years. The story offered up some awesome quotes.

18 - George Shinn: Accused of a kidnapping-for-sex charge, after allegedly luring a woman whom he knew was addicted to prescription drugs to his home, and shagging her. Admitted to having sex with her, but said it was consensual. No criminal charges were brought, and acquitted in civil court.

19 - Bobby Simmons: Arrested for misdemeanour fourth degree assault after allegedly fondling the breasts of a woman who got into his car in the early hours of the morning, and then punching her in the face. Charges not brought due to lack of evidence.

20 - Bernard Robinson Jr: Arrested and charged with assault and battery on a female student after touching her up in a stairwell. Sentenced to a year's probation which included such terms as a written letter of apology, never talking to the girl again, being fined $850, complete abstention from drugs and alcohol, and being forced to partcipiate in sex offender "screening" to see if he had serial sex offender tendencies. That must have been soul destroying.

21 - Justin Williams: Accused of rape. Later dropped. It never became official, but his lawyer alluded to the fact that he did nail the chick while on camera, which would have been rather conclusive in a court of law as to the level of consensual loving.

22 - Calvin Murphy: Former player and Rockets announcer accused of sexual abuse by 5 of his illegitimate children (he has 14 kids, 11 illegitimate). Jury acquitted him in less than two hours. But he lost his job and his reputation, so the damage was done.

23 - Eddie Johnson: "Fast" Eddie Johnson (not the other Eddie Johnson, the sixth man award winner, but the one who is a former Hawks player) was accused of sexual assault on an 8 year old girl. As far as I can tell, he is awaiting sentencing, but that may be wrong.

24 - Nick Anderson: Accused of rape. Held a press conference on the subject in which he cried a lot,



Add any of your own. (Not "add any of your own rape charges", but "add any of your own submissions for NBA players sex scandals that I may have missed.)