It is my intent that you will come to view this site as a valuable resource. Between the character issues thing, the NBA salaries section, the tracking of endless former and/or fringe NBA players, the general abundance of boring trivia, the occasional bad jokes and the hugely lengthy player database that no one really looks at, I serve to bring you information that you either can't get elsewhere on the internet, or to bring it better than other people do. I do this for reasons of self-gratification and (hopefully) career advancement, and even if you think I'm annoying and a bit of a twat, I hope you can at least respect the information that I collate on this website. That is my aim.
For now, though, we'll take a slight detour.
Yesterday afternoon, I was a bit bored, and decided to find out what Mike Bibby looked like if you turned his eyes back to front and his mouth upside down. We've all wondered that, of course, and yet yesterday was the day that I could wait no longer. I had to know. The results were as follows.
I quickly realised that this was my new favourite hobby. So here are some more NBA players with their smiles turned upside down.
The 2003 All Star Game was a freaking embarassment.
If you watched it, you fellated Michael Jordan. You are guilty by association. By watching it, I too fellated Michael Jordan. And I didn't enjoy it one bit.
The whole event was a prolonged Michael Jordan ass kiss. As it was to be Jordan's last ever All Star game, in His final season before His third and only retirement, we were treated to the sight of His balls being polished mercilessly by everyone in the game, around the game, and Mariah Carey. Everything Michael did throughout history - excluding the previous 18 months, of course - was to be glorified and indulged one more time to such a lavish and excessive degree that, if any of us had forgotten how scarily good and frighteningly popular He was, we would never do so again. They had documentaries, they had interviews, they had montages, they had songs, they had a dress represented two of his uniforms on....they had everything.
Unfortunately, there was a slight problem. Jordan wasn't voted in as a starter by the fans. And it's hard to be the most important player on the floor when five other people get there first.
Never mind, though. Into the confusion stepped Allen Iverson. Voted in as one of the starting guards ahead of Jordan, Iverson magnanimously volunteered to give up his starting spot for Jordan, so that He may start the game and take the first 40 shots or so. Tracy McGrady, one of the starting forwards, made an identical gesture a few days later, once again showing sympathy-enducing deferrence to an older man's inferior play. However, the other starting guard, Vince Carter, did not make the same offer, even when pressed to do so.
People turned on Vince Carter. Because he didn't feel the need to give up what was rightfully is, like the others had done before him, he was vitriolically defamed, cursed and besmirched, suddenly deemed "disrespectful" for not giving Jordan something that he didn't earn. (And no, he didn't earn it. Michael Jordan's career up until that point saw him justifiably earn immeasurable fame, fortune and respect aplenty - giving him this starting spot, that he hadn't justifiably earned, would not have changed this.) Not working in Vince's favour was the fact that he had missed most of the year up until that point with injury - in this respect, he too hadn't earn the starting spot. However, Carter had gotten it anyway, because the fans wanted him to have it. But now, they wanted him to give it back. It made no sense, and Vince became a victim, stuck in a position where he could do no right without doing wrong.
Cut to the present day. This year's votes on the All Star Starters are in, and Allen Iverson is one of the starting Eastern Conference guards alongside Dwyane Wade. Vince Carter was third in the fan vote, narrowly missing out on the second guard spot. (Luke Ridnour was fifth, proving once again that this system is still effing stupid.) However, despite his popularity barely waning, Iverson's skill level has started to drop, and he is no longer truly deserving of any award that claims him to be (implied or otherwise) the second best guard in his conference. On the season, Iverson averages only 17.9 points, 3.3 rebounds, 5.4 assist and 2.8 turnovers, finally declining like the 33 year old that he is. Several players behind him in the voting, Carter included, are better players than he is now. (Note: Luke Ridnour isn't one of them.) And while the concept of the fan vote is to see the most popular players, not necessarily the best (which incidentally is another damning slant on the whole idea of giving up the spot for Jordan in the first place; the fans clearly didn't want him to start), it shouldn't be.
I want Allen Iverson to give up his starting spot for the better player this year, and the more deserving player over Jordan six years ago, Vince Carter. I realise that it is hypocritical to condemn the idea that Carter was forced to give up his spot in the first place, and then later in the same blog post to infer that Iverson should give up his spot this year to make up for it. And for this, I am sorry. But sometimes, two wrongs do make a right.
(The fan vote system doesn't work, by the way. Yao Ming was an All Star starter way before he deserved to be, and Yi Jianlian and Bruce Bowen came dangerously close to being voted onto the team this year despite never coming close to All Star calibre talent. The NBA All Star game should be to showcase the NBA's best, something which this system does not necessarily do, and therefore it is crap and needs abolishing. But that rant is for another day.)
This isn't a knock on Allen Iverson, whose initial 2003 gesture seemed sincere and genuine, and who isn't to blame for the fans voting him in over other, better players. But the NBA owes Vince Carter something, and this would be a fine time to give him it. Iverson doesn't personally owe Carter anything, and as such he will have done nothing wrong if he starts the game as chosen. Like Vince before him, Iverson has no obligation to give up what is rightfully his, and it is rightfuly his, even if it shouldn't be. But the entire NBA World owes Vince Carter an apology, as well as an All Star start, and Allen Iverson can make this happen. As hypocritical as it may be for me to want to see someone else give up their spot, Vince Carter deserves some justice, no matter how much you dislike him.
Please do this, AI. We'll be brothers for life if you do. I'll never let anyone defoul you again. No one. No one will disrespect this thing of ours. La Cosa Nostra. Me and you. Ride or die.
1) As you may know, Houston traded Steve Francis, a 2009 second round draft pick and cash to Memphis for a conditional 2011 second round pick. Memphis's end of this is simple. They got their pick back for free. Houston gave them Francis, enough money to pay him for the rest of the year (or most of it, at least), and Memphis's own 2nd rounder next year, which they'd previously given to Houston while moving up in the draft this summer. In return, Memphis only gave them a conditional second in 2011, which will be like top 55 protected or something, so they won't even lose it anyway. They can now either waive Francis without fear of reprisal, get a free look at him as a player (bloody unlikely), or keep him as an expiring. But more importantly, they're getting their high second rounder back. for no cost. It's a good move. As for Houston, they give up a second that they don't need in order to get under the luxury tax. It's a good move for them, too.
But here's the real important thing: I TOTALLY called it. In this post, just underneath the picture of the fat lady with no bum crack, I wrote this:
(After Antonio McDyess's buyout, Denver is now no more than a small dollop over their eternal enemy, the luxury tax threshold. If they waft a pick Memphis's way, they should be able to dump Chucky Atkins, whose salary for next year is only $760,000 guaranteed, thus not affecting Memphis's 2009 cap space plan much. This move gets Denver under the tax, finally, and it need only cost them the pick that they got from Charlotte for Alexis Ajinca to do it. Also note that I'm just an ideas man, not a soothsayer. Houston would be sensible to do much the same with Steve Francis, who is entirely surplus to requirements in both Memphis and Houston, and whose salary is keeping the Rockets in the tax territory. But his expiring is tolerable for the Grizzlies with apt sweeteners. With those two deals, Memphis could gain two picks without changing their long or short term plans, while Houston and Denver save lots of money on players and picks that they don't need. To me, this makes sense. Does that mean it will happen? No. But, between now and February, I'd place a call. Boy, this bracket got a bit long.)
Get some. I wonder if the Grizzlies general manager reads what I write.
2) Oklahoma City signed Nenad Krstic - technically still a Nets free agent - to an offer sheet, one which the Nets will apparently not match. This offers up a variety of questions (such as, quite how scary is this supposed European exodus going to be. when even the European deserters come back within 6 months?), but most of all, look at their prospective depth chart with Krstic on it.
Now obviously, things will work out to be slightly different to this. For example, it makes sense for Green to now take on a sixth man role, and for some combination of Krstic, Collison and Wilcox to fill the starting power forward and centre spots. Steven Hill is also the logical man to be cut once Krstic arrives. But even so, the signing of Krstic makes the Thunder's depth chart even wonkier. Why the hell do you want six centres? Why would you draft D.J. White with so many players in front of him? Why would you then sign Hill and Krstic as well? Why would you also draft Serge Ibaka and DeVon Hardin with your other picks? Why can you only play for the Thunder if you can scratch your ankles while standing up? Why would a team with literally every hole to fill concentrate solely on the same? I realise the value of good big men, but Sam Presti, hit us up with some deadline deals, because your roster is pretty friggin' ramshackle at the moment. And also, don't sign Ben Gordon this summer, whatever you do. As far as you need to know, he's a no-defense chucker with a humility problem. Let's ignore the truth for a minute and run with that. You don't want him. Sign more centres. Spend your money elsewhere. There's a good lad.
3) The following video of Devin Harris is about as comfortable as the early morning shit after a night on the Guinness.
They're right, though. Devin Harris should be in the All Star game. And Allen Iverson should not. You know when Allen Iverson made that quotation fingers "magnanamous" gesture, when he first suggested standing aside to let Michael Jordan start in the All Star game, even when Iverson was the better player? (Which, by the way, was possibly the worst thing I've ever seen in my time following the NBA. Someone owes Vince Carter a big friggin' apology.) Well, now is the time for another such gesture. It's not meant as disrespect, Allen, but these other players are better than you now. You won't lose fans if you did so, and even if you did, you clearly have way too many anyway. Let's make this happen.
Similarly, if Yi Jianlian gets in, let's boycott the damn thing.
4) Really don't see the point in New York overpaying for Carlos Delfino, but, whatever. It can't hurt.
5) Short baseball tangent: people out there are trying way too hard to put a negative slant on the fact that the Yankees just signed both the best hitter and the best pitcher on the market. You don't have to like the any, but at least acknowledge that this is what they did. Like every team in the world, they needed an ace and a excellent slugger. Unlike every team in the world, though, they were able to get them.
6) No, I don't trust the source either, but if Sacramento trades John Salmons to Toronto for Andrea Bargnani and a first round pick, that is all kinds of good news for the Kings. John Salmons's value physically cannot get any higher right now, unless he were to start averaging 30 points. He's playing extremely well, tied in on a remarkably cheap contract, and in the prime of his career. This also isn't a fluke - he put on much the same performance to start last year, when injuries again cleared the way for him. If John Salmons is not traded by Sacramento before the deadline, that's a big old misstep they've made there. Particularly after committing so much money to the wing pairing of Kevin Martin and Francisco Garcia.
7) I realise that things haven't gone quite right since he did it, but why is Stephen Jackson thinking about a trade only five weeks after signing an extension? And, from the same article, quite why the hell hasn't Chris Mullin quit? He has nothing to gain from pissing in the wind, and he'll get another gig with another team soon enough.
8) In keeping with this website's policy of never bringing you any news that is worth knowing, here's a scandalous and pathetic story about Raptors anticlimax Jermaine O'Neal touching the arse of a woman whose life and career revolves around her ability to fellate famous people. Superhead, meet Superforehead.
9) The previous joke was stolen from a superior person.
10) Merry Christmas to you and yours. My life is in a good place right now, and I hope that yours is too. If it isn't, it will be.
Repeatedly, I have commented about the television coverage that the NBA receives in this, the most fabulous of countries, my homeland, and the place I reside in while I write this: England. For those who thankfully missed previous rants, one game a week is screened on a Tuesday night on a free-to-air channel called Five, and that's all we get. It's not presented very well, either.
I have yet to offer glimpses into what I'm talking about for those who have never seen the coverage in question, partly due to my laziness in recording a video, and partly because a typical Mark Webster question transcribes roughly as "well see, this is the thing, isn't it, because you know, he's, err, he's, he's, err, err, y'know, he is THE MAN, and y'know, he's going to make them do things his way, y'know, just going about their business, aren't they? That's right", which isn't good blog material. But I've ranted anyway because it annoys me. And now I'm going to do it again.
What bothers me the most about the coverage - moreso than Webster's stammer, moreso than Andre Alleyne's less than insightful insights into the NBA, and moreso than the forced chemistry and bad laughter that permeates everything they say - is the channel's dedication to only promoting the sport towards a black market. Be it through crappy pre-game advertisements, or by only interviewing black people, Five somehow ensure that Mark Webster is your only dose of vanilla for the night.
That is, except for last night. Last night, they finally had a white guy. Sort of.
If this face looks familiar, it may be because you saw it before, in this blog post. This is the impossibly named Darnell Swallow, an Albino black guy and former drug dealer, who found his fame and fortune as a Big Brother contestant. Not, as you might have thought, as an expert NBA analyst. But apparently that's not important to whether you get a job promoting the NBA or not. Nope. Not in Britain. Not when Five are involved.
At some point, I will turn this constant complaining into a hopefully-read letter of complaint to the TV channel in question, in doing so hopefully sparking a chain of rebellious events that sees the current regime overthrown and a new militant republic taking charge, leading the people to a promised land of analysis, insight and telestrators. But for now I'll just piss and whinge in this blog.
(Congratulations to Darnell, by the way, who has somehow turned a shady past and congenital skin defect into a television career that sees him feature in sporting broadcasts that he's dangerously underqualified for. That takes some doing. Actually, wait, what am I saying? He's not underqualified at all. He's black and has an American accent. He must LOVE basketball.)
Also, on a completely unrelated note, last night I dreamt that Allen Iverson sent me a text message containing a joke about Hitler, and that former Sacramento Kings summer league participant Patrick Sanders berated me at knifepoint about some gossip I had written in this blog that told about how he once shared a bed with Milwaukee Bucks guard, Luke Ridnour (which, I should stress for legal reasons, is something that never happened. Or if it did, it's a coincidence.) I just wanted to tell someone this. It worried me.
As you might presently yourself fully be aware of, my grammar sucks. Also, you might have noticed that nothing has happened around here lately. Well, it's OK, I'm here.
Thanks to those of you who showed genuine concern as to whether I was maimed, imprisoned, dead, or worse. You're very compassionate, kind-hearted and sincere, traits that will inevitably lead to a joyful existence on the heavenly half of the afterlife. Conversely, fuck off to those of you who showed anger and resentment at my lack of posting and/or site updates, as if I was in some way contractually obliged to do what you want, when you wanted it. May I remind you that this is a free website, with no adverts, greatly superior to every comparable website on the internet (particularly with regards to the colour scheme) run by a man who frankly you should spend a good 90 minutes of every day praising, rejoicing, and fellating. You'll get what you're given, as and when I choose to give it. You hell-destined bar stewards.
The actual answer to the age-old question of "where the hell were you?" is that I was on holiday. I went to the Costa Del Sol, in November, escaping the classic British grey of November time. So you can see why that was more fun than calculating Rob Kurz's salary for the remainder of the season.
Do you want to see my holiday photos? Ch'yeah you do! Here are some of my holiday photos!
The Sun. It was hot. I burnt.
My burn.
A fat woman whose arse seemed to have no seam. (Identity concealed, expertly.)
The mighty Grunkel television that kept us entertained with German versions of Remington Steele and soft core pornography all week long. No, I don't know why all Spanish television is German either.
A dog curling one out.
A dead fish.
Now that I've been sufficiently self-effacing and boring in equal measure, here are my thoughts on stuff, for all those who struggled to go a full week without my aggressive and misguided thoughts on stuff.
1: I didn't initially know who I liked the Denver/Detroit deal for most when it happened, if either. But in the week or so that I've spent lying on beaches not thinking about it, I've decided I like it for both teams. Detroit gets the better player and the best salary in Allen Iverson, which can never be a bad combination, while Denver switches up a core that was never going to work anyway, almost getting under the luxury tax in the process. (After Antonio McDyess's buyout, Denver is now no more than a small dollop over their eternal enemy, the luxury tax threshold. If they waft a pick Memphis's way, they should be able to dump Chucky Atkins, whose salary for next year is only $760,000 guaranteed, thus not affecting Memphis's 2009 cap space plan much. This move gets Denver under the tax, finally, and it need only cost them the pick that they got from Charlotte for Alexis Ajinca to do it. Also note that I'm just an ideas man, not a soothsayer. Houston would be sensible to do much the same with Steve Francis, who is entirely surplus to requirements in both Memphis and Houston, and whose salary is keeping the Rockets in the tax territory. But his expiring is tolerable for the Grizzlies with apt sweeteners. With those two deals, Memphis could gain two picks without changing their long or short term plans, while Houston and Denver save lots of money on players and picks that they don't need. To me, this makes sense. Does that mean it will happen? No. But, between now and February, I'd place a call. Boy, this bracket got a bit long.)
(Oh, by the way - the combined $34 million in expirings that Detroit can now offer up with Iverson and Rasheed Wallace makes that Kwame Brown deal look even worse. Whoops.)
2: I forgot to post my Houston and Phoenix previews before going away. If you want them, send an email. Enclose money.
3: I really can't stand Bob Ortegal. In the years that I've listened to him, I can't remember one single insightful or interesting comment. Now, history tells me that when you question a team's announcing duo, fans of that team will then try to kill you with words and insults, so I expect Dallas fans to now do much the same. But, seriously. Take a step back and reanalyse. He's awful. There's no chemistry, no humour, no insight and you know for a bloody fact that he's never watched a game that he hasn't commentated on. (For example, take Dallas's preseason game versus Chicago. Ortegal admits he's never seen Derrick Rose play before, concludes after two drives that Rose only goes to his left, and then spends the rest of the night finding excuses for every time Rose went right. That's so dumb, I should have said it.) There exists only a dull, repetitive retelling of what the replay he's "analysing" depicts. And any old bastard can do that. I just wanted to vent this.
4: The Bulls suck in a variety of ways, which is a shame. Good luck John. (By the way, last night I dreamt that Paxson unretired and filled the Bulls current backup point guard void, proof if it were needed that I didn't have any fleeting holiday romances. After having seen they signed Lindsey Hunter, I kind of wish it had come true.)
5: In keeping with this website's continued attempts to be better than everybody else, here's next year's free agents.
6: When it happened, I nearly wrote something in this blog about the Pau Gasol trade. In contrast to the opinions of everyone else in the world, I was keeping to leap in and defend the Grizzlies' end of the trade. But I didn't, because I couldn't be bothered. I've rued that laziness for a while, so let me go on the record now, despite it being a bit late since the secret of the awesomeness of Marc Gasol got out: Memphis did all right. When your mandate is to make a salary dump, and you wind up getting the second biggest expiring contract in the league, you're off to a good start. But in addition to that, the Grizzlies got good young talent that people don't acknowledge. As well as Kwame Brown's salary, the Grizzlies got back Javaris Crittenton (good young guard, with emphasis on the "young" - he's still only 20), and the rights to Marc Gasol (a starting calibre NBA centre, whether you knew of this in advance or not). The Grizzlies also two first round picks from the Lakers, one of which has become Darrell Arthur, their 20 year old starting power forward formerly thought to be a high lottery pick. They still have their other pick to come, along with almost double maximum cap room, while taking back not one bad contract or inconsequential player in the deal. That's a good return on a one-time-All-Star power forward, particularly when you only wanted to dump salary.
What we may have witnessed here is a win-win trade, where both teams get what they wanted and improved as a result. This should be the result of every trade, and we shouldn't try to find only one winner to the deal. The Lakers clearly benefitted greatly from the deal, but Memphis won too. Yes, such a conclusion is entirely possible.
There. The balance is redressed. Now take out the bits about Darrell Arthur, and pretend I wrote that in February.
Recently, the Philadelpha 76ers fired their President Billy King on multiple counts of general incompetence. It needed to happen years ago, but didn't. Still, better late than never.
However, I have a question (or three) on the subject, that needs answering.
QUESTION: Why did they let King handle the incredibly unsuccessful Allen Iverson trade and this whole past offseason of mismanagement before they decided to follow him? Why did they let him put the team in a position to rebuild, by dealing Iverson for assets and buying out Chris Webber, just to them allow him to screw that position by not tanking in the last draft, trading away one of the first rounders they received for no return in order to save money, and then spending that money on Calvin Booth and Reggie Evans? Did they really think going through a rebuilding phase with King leading the way - if only for a little bit - would ever be sensible?
Sham is a miserable and self-effacing little bastard, whose basketball opinions are often riddled with bias, insecurity, and rank immaturity. He has also never played the sport, and the only game he has ever been to see was a Ware Rebels game back in 2001. The night bus didn't show up and he had to walk the 9 miles home. It was after this that his passion for basketball really took off.
He considers himself to be Britain's foremost NBA expert, an arbitrary title that carries with it no basis in fact, or any worldly significance. He also wrote this section of the website in third person narrative, purely for reasons of arrogance.
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is copyrighted to the website's owner, including (but not limited to)
the really stupid ones that I wish I'd never written.
