Where Are They Now, 2009; Part 28

- You did it! You did it! You waited for your Alexander Johnson news! Be proud of yourself, and then proceed to hate me, as I tell you that there isn't any. Johnson started the year in Germany with Brose Baskets Bonn, totalled 11.5 points, 6.5 rebounds and 3.4 fouls in 11 German league games, before leaving last month and being replaced (sort of) by Dan Dickau. Johnson is now unsigned, but, in better news, Dickau has scored 37 points combined in the two games that he's been there.

- Jumaine Jones was suspended from European basketball for a year in September by FIBA, for the weird yet wonderful crime of signing contracts with two different teams at the same time; one with Alyssa Milano, and one with Ural Great Perm in Russia. However, he's been playing for the greatly named Great Perm anyway, averaging 6.5 points and 4.6 rebounds in Russian league play. How that is possible, I don't know - Russia is in kind of both Europe and Asia, depending on which you want to count it as at any given moment. However, Great Perm have played in both the Eurocup and EuroChallenge this season, and, as the names would suggest, those are European competitions. Yet Jumaine has been playing in them, averaging 9.1 points and 5.8 rebounds in the EuroChallenge. Any answers as to how this is possible?

- Eddie Jones was bought out by the Pacers in preseason after being traded from the Mavericks, and hasn't been heard from since.

- Dwayne Jones went to training camp with the Magic, didn't make it, went to Turkey with Efes, played two games, scored 1 point, grabbed 1 rebound, came back to America, signed with the Bobcats, averaged 2 and 2 in 6 games, got waived, went to the D-League, was acquired by the Iowa Energy, played one game, scored one point, grabbed one rebound, got traded to the Idaho Stampede, and has since averaged 12.9 points, 10.6 rebounds and 1.9 blocks through 8 games. That sentence is more fun if you take all 16 commas out.

- Amazingly, there isn't an update on former Orlando Magic guard Mark Jones, a player so obscure that not even Orlando Magic fans have heard of him. Jones still hasn't played since a stint in the Ukraine in 2006, and now that he's about to turn 34, there probably won't be another one.

- In a fourteenmonth period from September 2007 to November 2008, Bobby Jones played on 12 different teams. Having spent the whole previous season with the Philadelphia 76ers, Jones was traded to the Denver Nuggets in the offseason Reggie Evans/Steven Hunter swap. He made it through until the January contract guarantee date before being waived by Denver, at which point he started travelling again. Jones soon signed a ten day contract with the Grizzlies, but didn't get a second one, and went to the D-League with the Sioux Falls Skyforce. After nearly a month and 5 games there, Jones earned another ten day contract with the Houston Rockets, but again a second wasn't forthcoming. Jones then instantly signed a ten day contract with the Heat, and this time re-signed to a second one, but unfortunately didn't get signed for the remainder of the season. By this time, however, he was probably used to that. Another ten day contract followed, with yet another team (the Spurs), and after that one expired, Jones wound up back where it all started, signing a contract through the end of the season and with an unguaranteed 2008/09 season with the Nuggets again. Unfortunately, that still wasn't it for Bobby; he was traded to the Knicks along with Taurean Green in exchange for Renaldo Balkman, and then waived almost instantly by the Knicks. BJ subsequently re-signed with the Heat after summer league, but didn't even make it as far as training camp, being waived in August. Never fear, though, for Jones did make it to an NBA training camp, this time with another new team, Sacramento. But Jones didn't make the cut there either, and has since buggered off back to the Skyforce, where he has managed to enjoy the relative job security of 25 games in a row with the same team. (Phewph. That was harder to write than to read, I promise.) For the Skyforce, Jones averages 15.1 points and 7.8 rebounds; decent numbers, but not good enough for another 10 day contract. Yet.

- Alvin Jones's tale is far easier to tell - he's unsigned.

- Jared Jordan went to training camp with the Hornets, failed to make the cut on a team with an open roster spot and a desperate need for a point guard, and then disappeared off the map for a bit. In December, Jordan reappeared, and was acquired by the Rio Grande Valley Vipers, yet earlier this month he was waived due to a high ankle sprain that was due to keep him out for two weeks. But he'll be back. Jordan averaged 8.6 points and 6.2 assists in what little time he managed.

- Antoine Jordan started the season nailed to the bench for the Tulsa 66ers, then left the team in December and went to the seminal Dutch league. In 2 games for the mighty Matrixx Magix of Nijmegen, Jordan averages 12.0 points and 5.5 rebounds, due solely to the highly competitive and truly classy nature of the Dutch league.

- Zhang Kai, as expected, went back to China after not making the Kings roster out of training camp (surprisingly!). For the DongGuan New Century - the team that he's been with since roughly conception age - Zhang averages 19.9 points and 9.6 rebounds, making him arguably the best Chinese player under the age of 30 other than Yao Ming.

- Finally, two players you don't know or care about. The Spurs and Blazers are often lauded for their draft choices, which often yield talent unbefitting of the draft spot from which they were picking. They get a few "steals" in this way. Unfortuantely, these two weren't two of them. Portland's Federico Kammerichs is a soon-to-be-29 year old extremely bearded forward, who is playing in the powerhouse known as the Argentinian league. For the irrepressible Regatas Corrientes, Otacon averages 13.4 points and 10.7 rebounds, numbers that sting your eyes with their unrelenting sex appeal and briliance. Meanwhile, the Spurs's Sergei Karaulov is comparably brilliant, as the soon-to-be-27 year old extremely unbearded centre is playing for Nizhny Novgorod, a team in the Russian second division. If you're really that bothered, you can work out his averages for yourself from this confusing dribble. Here's a starting point; he's number 15. Hope this helps.

Summer signings, round 26

This post was written a million years before it was posted.

- Alexander Johnson has signed in the German league for Brose Baskets, so his life is basically over. (Hah! Not really, German people. Or Alexander Johnson. Or Alexander Johnson's agent. Just a little running jokes we have here. It's hilarious every time, I promise you.)

- San Antonio signed Desmon Farmer and Devin Green, to go along with their previous signings of Anthony Tolliver and Darryl Watkins . Not a bad foursome, that. Giggidy.

- Donell Taylor is to join the Bobcats for the training camp, because you can always find a use for a guard that can't make a layup or a jumpshot or pass or run an offense or do anything to an average standard on the offensive end. Or at least, I think that's right. It must be, because Lindsey Hunter keeps getting work.

- How much Eurelijus Zukauskas news is too much Eurelijus Zukauskas news? Well, since we've had none ever, I think we're still some ways short of our limit. So here I am, announcing to you that E-Zook has re-signed with Zalgiris, in his native Lithuania. (If you don't know who Eurelijus Zukauskas is, I'm generously going to tell you - he's a really big and really slow Lithuania centre who the Bucks drafted back in the mid 90's, and whose rights they still own purely as a technicality. He's like Arvydas Sabonis was in his dying days, only inferior. See! Now you've learnt, and now you can discuss him with your friends. However, I sincerely hope, but can't guarantee, that they'll still by your friends afterwards.)

- Also, how much Bulgarian league news is too much Bulgarian news? Quite frankly, it's limitless. So here's some Bulgarian league news - the mighty and insatiable Tim Pickett has signed with Lukoil Akademik, a team in the Bulgarian League. Don't tell your friends this one, though. Make it our little secret.

- Lawrence Roberts signed with Red Star Belgrade, a basketball team in Belgrade, whose team logo has a red star in it. It all makes sense when you break it down and analyse it in its most basic form.

- Matt Freije is to join the Bucks for training camp, because you can never have too many jumpshooting power forwards with weak rebounding rates. Oh, wait, yes you can. By the way, there are a lot of jumpshooting power forwards who do the rounds in the NBA these days - Freije, Malik Allen, Pat Garrity and Steve Novak to name but a few. However, almost all of them are one dimensional players who offer nothing else. Nick Fazekas, however, can also rebound to go with his jumpshot. So why's he the one on the outside looking in? He's going to get a spot with the Nuggets training camp this year, but we all know he's going to be waived, because Denver like to keep costs down. This is injustice. Add Nick Fazekas to my new campaign list (to be announced shortly).

- Mustafa Shakur signed in Spain with Tau Vitoria Ceramica Saski Baskonia (delete as applicable), where he'll replace Goran Dragic, if Goran ever completes his buyout and signs with Phoenix.

- The whistlestop Ronald Dupree World Tour Of The NBA now includes Cleveland, where he'll sign for training camp, and then be cut from.

- This article, dated September 9th, implied that Sam Cassell was to sign a new contract with the Celtics soon. But he hasn't. Make of this what you will.

- Denver rounded out their roster by signing second rounder, Sonny Weems. The subject of Weems has come up a few times now, and I've still got nothing interesting to say about him. Instead of trying, I'll cop out and not bother.

And now, ladies and gentleman, Mr Conway Twitty.



(Possibly the most amusing backing band that I've ever seen in my life.)

30 teams in 56 or so days: Miami

Players acquired via free agency or trade:

Mark Blount (acquired from Minnesota)
Ricky Davis (acquired from Minnesota)
Smush Parker (signed, 2 years, $4,680,000)
Joel Anthony, Brian Chase, Devin Green, Penny Hardaway, Alexander Johnson, Jeremy Richardson and Marcus Slaughter (all signed to the minimum salary with assorted levels of partial guarantees. If you include holdovers Earl Barron and Chris Quinn, you have 8 players on the bubble, 4 of whom are going to have to be cut.)



Players acquired via draft:

First round: Daequan Cook (21st overall, acquired in draft night deal)
Second round: None



Players retained:

Earl Barron (re-signed, unguaranteed qualifying offer)



Players departed:

Michael Doleac (traded to Minnesota)
Wayne Simien (traded to Minnesota)
Antoine Walker (traded to Minnesota)
Eddie Jones (signed with Miami)
Jason Kapono (signed with Toronto)
Gary Payton (put to sleep)
James Posey (signed with Boston)



Bobbins:

It seems fitting to "do" Miami next, given that they are a team recently in the news. If you are like me, and you're the kind of person that tends to get so excited when a transaction is made that a little bit of wee seeps out, then you probably secreted when you learnt of the recent Miami/Minnesota trade. That move saw Miami trades Antoine Walker, Wayne
Simien, Michael Doleac, a first-round pick and cash to Minnesota for Ricky Davis and Mark Blount, which potentially salvaged a crappy offseason for Miami.

Despite previous protestations about how the team would never be a taxpayer, last year's capitulation at the hands of the incomparably superior Chicago Bulls awakened Riley, Pfund and that lot to the fact that their team just isn't that good any more. The Heat had committed themselves financially to a core that had a championship window of exactly one year. They capitalised on that, winning the title in that one year of 2006, but they did so at a cost. The fallout from that left them with one young superstar and a heap of overpaid elderly codswallop. Codswallop, by the way, is a much underused word, especially in the NBA world. It means "nonsense", "rubbish", "crap", and stuff to that effect. I have two big aims for the world of basketball this year - firstly to get a complete scrub to the All Star game by mass manipulation of the online ballot (who this will be has not been decided upon yet, it depends on who is on the ballot), and also to get the word codswallop started on its long journey towards every day usage in the NBA world. Today, this day, this place, this paragraph, marks the start of that journey. Pay heed.

This elderley supporting case was enough to get it done in 2006, but last year the Heat showed their age. Starting point guard Jason Williams may only be 31, but he was exposed as a weakness last year - while the heart and head were willing, the knees were not. His backup, Gary Payton, was perhaps the worst rotation player in basketball last year. His main rival for that title was team mate Antoine Walker, while veteran centres Alonzo Mourning and Michael Doleac did not do much to offset the loss of Shaquille O'Neal, who had the worst season of his professional career as 35 year olds tend to do.

Needing to spend, and with permission granted from whoever it is that pays the bills, Miami then tried to get a bit of everybody. With starter Jason Kapono snapped up by Toronto within about 18 seconds of the free agency period starting, Miami let him leave unchallenged, rightly unwilling to pay that price tag. However, despite continuing to negotiate with James Posey, the Heat weren't able to convince him to stay either, as he signed with Boston. And with Eddie Jones having already signed with Dallas, Miami was left in the rather awkward position of not having any wing players that could make an outside shot, and also with the frankly scary possibility of having Antoine Walker start at small forward next year.

In addition to looking for a wing player or two that didn't suck, Miami was also seeking to upgrade their piss weak point guard position, and add a veteran big for insurance. These three seperate chases led them to pursue all manner of free agents and trade possibilities, from such diverse names as Maurice Williams, Charlie Bell, Mickael Pietrus, Allan Houston, P.J. Brown, Sasha Pavlovic, Ime Udoka, Mike Bibby, Juan Carlos Navarro, Ron Artest, Jannero Pargo, Rafer Alston, Corey Maggette, Steve Francis, Matt Barnes, Morris Peterson, Steve Blake, Gerald Wallace, Sarunas Jasikevicius, James Singleton and Vitaly freakin' Potapenko - basically, everybody. Only one of those moves went anywhere, when Miami signed Bell to an offer sheet, that Milwaukee swiftly matched.

The anti-climactic feeling of it all hit home when Miami announced their first two prominent free agency signings as being Smush Parker and Penny Hardaway, two players that are, frankly, a bit crap. The signings also summed up the bipolar nature of Pat Riley's offseason pursuits: after harping on for ages and ages about wanting a young and athletic lineup (the signings of players such as Parker, Marcus Slaughter, Alexander Johnson and Jeremy Richardsonhelp here), Riley also can't seem to resist trying to sign every old bastard that used to be any good (Jones, Hardaway, Houston), which seemed directly contradictory to the young athletes thing. But, oh well, whatever.

After the Bell thing went wrong, nothing much happened. The Heat continued to pursue all kinds of trades and free agency possibilties, to no avail. They rounded out their roster with more young athletes, and went to camp still working the phones but accepting the fact that nothing may come of it. And when Shaq's inevitable injury turned up and Dwyane Wade added in one of his own, the Heat were staring down a lottery spot.

Then just this past week, it got interesting, as Miami was finally able to do something. And the trade they made was a good one. They landed two of their probable top 9 players in Davis and Blount while only giving up spare parts to do so. Losing Antoine Walker is a case of addition by subtraction, Davis gives them a useful scorer and athlete at the wing position which Miami had sought all offseason, and Blount gives them a center whose limited face-up game is still useful when playing alongside Dwyane Wade, even if he does have a massive inability to catch.

All it really cost Miami was an extra year of Blount's big salary over Antoine's, and a first round pick that won't be high in an ideal world anyway. It's a trade that has put Miami back into the playoff picture, although they still aren't even nearly as good as their fans would like you to believe.

But who's to say that they've finished yet?



Next season:

In my Bobcats post, I talked about how I had decided upon my 8 Eastern seeds for the playoffs. Miami wasn't one of them at the time. Now, they are.

It's still a flawed team, with the worst point guard rotation around, and with the very overrated Udonis Haslem still starting at point guard. The team is still dependent on how much Shaq is willing to give a shit, and Miami is also still largely a two man team dependent on Shaq's health (and his continued descent towards mediocrity).

But that can be enough. The Cleveland Cavaliers, after all, are the epitomy of a one man team, and they amde the NBA Finals. They used a helluva lot of luck to get there, as their playoff matchups opened up wonderfully for them. But you can only beat who is in front of you, and that's what Cleveland did.

Miami is far from the best team in the East these days, let alone in the NBA overall. Their supporting cast to the two stars is rather poor, and the Shaq/Wade duo are not exactly the best examples of durability. But if various circumstances all come good at the same time, Miami has themselves a team that can make inroads in the East. If they can scrape into the playoffs and maintain good health all around at the most crucial time, then they won't be an easy matchup for whoever they play. Everyone said much the same last year, but they forgot two key things:

a) The Heat were never healthy.
b) Nor were they even nearly good enough.

This offseason, they've improved. They've cut out most of the crap, and added some talent. It's a better team than it was.

But it's not a title team. Not even close.