Derrick Rose turns to self-harming

http://www.suntimes.com/sports/basketball/bulls/1319873,cst-spt-rose-cut-120808.article

If the Bulls thought Derrick Rose’s penchant for gummy bears was hazardous to his health, the story Monday at the Berto Center was about an apple a day bringing the doctor into play.

A sheepish Rose explained why he needed 10 stitches to close a gash under the elbow on his left forearm, a self-inflicted injury sustained in bed from a knife he used to slice an apple.

"Silly accident this morning," Rose said, standing before a a large throng of media. "I went to get a bottle of water, forgot the knife was there, and sat down and sliced my arm."

Question: Which is the best of these truly staggeringly piss poor second-hand jokes to accompany this story? Is it:

A: "It wouldn't have happened if he was eating Gummi Bears."
B: "I bet he was actually out doughnutting with Monta Ellis."
C: "Let's ask Toni Braxton for her side of the story."
D: "He must have seen the state of his own frontcourt."
E: "Plaxico Burress has spawned a new line of copycat murderers."
F: "What, you DON'T use a knife in the bedroom?"
G: "He won't even miss a game? Larry Hughes could have made this last a season."
H: "Quick, somebody check that knife for Kirk Hinrich's prints."
I: "This is the classic sign of a cry for help."
J: "It was Captain Rose, in the bedroom, with a knife." [Cluedo shoutout, btw.]
K: "Let's hope he never starts eating toast in the bathtub."
L: "Who eats apples with a knife, anyway?"
M: "Who is Apple and why was she in Derrick Rose's bed at knifepoint?"
N: "Yeah, I hate my iPod too."
O: "Rose has always been known as a slasher."
P: None of these, and please dear God make this stop.

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