An appeal

I like receiving your email. I do. Even when it's stupid and completely useless to me. (NB: If you're emailing me to tell me a link is broken, do me a favour and tell me what page you're talking about. Thanks.)

Receiving them makes me feel wanted. It makes me feel important. It makes me feel like Bertie Bigbollocks. I welcome it, and messages of all varieties. I welcome your questions, your non-ridiculous suggestions, your savage arse-kissing, your bilious hate, and your "Buy discounted art products here" spam. I endeavour to respond to them all, and, if I don't, then that's either because I'm ignoring you, or because I forgot you because your message was boring. (Ha! Joke! Funny!)

I even welcome the groupie messages, and I am somewhat upset that they've largely gone away.

However, please for the love of Christ stop asking me if certain NBA players have kids. I don't freakin' care. Please dear God make this stop. I can't and won't answer you, because I don't know. And I don't know because I DON'T FUCKING CARE. Neither should you.

I am here appealing publicly to make this stop, because appealing privately doesn't seem to work. If you want to know how many children Penny Hardaway has, Google it. If you can't find the answer, assume that he has none, and move on with your life. Take that time to reanalyse your life's priorities, and think about quite why you wanted to find out this information in the first place. It is, after all, none of your business.

Do NOT invest this time in e-mailing me about it, because I do not know, and I do not care. I will never know, and I will never care. Also, if you do then email me about it, and I respond with "I DON'T CARE, GO AWAY" (or words to that effect, then don't respond with a response that ridicules me for not knowing, as if this was in some way a failing on my part. Instead, leave me alone altogether. That'd be good.

See? See what you made me do? You made me write this. This has to end. This has got to stop. This, and child cruelty. So please send just £2 a month, or whatever you can afford, and together we can help fight the good fight against annoying women. Just two pounds a month.

Please.


This has been a public services announcement. A-thank yaw.