Spectacularly Bad Heckling

From Deadspin:



I don't really like heckling. I'm English, and we play sports the same way that we used to fight wars - like gentleman. And it's not very gentlemanly to shout at people at work under the misguided idea that it's totally fine because you paid to be there. Regardless of what level of entitlement you feel that you have from handing over your entrance fee, you're still being a twat if you heckle. And we should all strive at all times to not be a twat. So this is why I'm against the practice.

("Sledgling", though, is another matter. Player on player heckles are fantastic. But the fans should probably just shut up.)

If you're going to heckle, though, at least be good at it. If you're going to heckle, plan it in advance. Think about your statements, and compile a rotation of barbs, a menu, a plan of attack, a pincer movement. Research your facts, from such basic ones as learning the names of the people and teams you are heckling, to somethiung more obscure that might actually get a player's attention, and make your endeavour worthwhile. It's absolutely imperative that you are better at the art of verbal warfare than the player you are yelling at. If you're not, you're going to look like a shitarse. Particularly if your girlfriend films it and puts it on the internet.



The Toronto Blue Jays fan in this video demonstrates exactly how not to do it. Seemingly acting on a whim, the fan goes at Tampa Bay Rays reliever Troy Percival with the only Percival-related facts that he has:

a) Percival is old.
b) Percival has only won one World Series.

That's not a lot, really. Indeed, so short of ammo is this fan, that he tries to somehow fashion that second factoid into a negative. (Since whenw as winning a World Series a reason to heckle a baseball player? Strange times.)

Worse than his firepower is his delivery. Awkward, incomplete, and suffering from a distinct lack of knowledge towards the names of the guys in the bullpen (readers note: like I said, research is fundamental), the fan compounds his problems by leaving long pauses, getting the team name wrong, letting his girlfriend join in (always a mistake) using the shittest jokes you've ever heard, and filming himself dying this painful death. He sets himself up for an easy downfall.

Percival puts him away comfortably.

Annoying Fan To A Warming Up Troy Percival: "That pitch was high and outside!"
A Warming Up Troy Percival To Annoying Fan: "Your mum is high and outside."

A textbook dispatch.


That is how to kick your own ass. If you're going to heckle, you need to win. The people you're shouting at, as the invisble female voice helpfully points out, are professional athletes. You aren't the first people ever to heckle them, and you're probably not even the first ones to do so on that particualr night. So they've had plenty of time to think up their retorts, particularly the old farts like Percival. If you don't have any good weapons in your arsenal, rest assured that they will.

And it's at that point that you'll wish that you hadn't filmed the debacle, because now immature British juveniles like me are laughing at you too.